The Simpsons s30e23 Episode Script

Crystal Blue-Haired Persuasion

1 Whee! Uh-oh.
Aah! D'oh! [GRUNTS] D'oh! Sir, I've prepared your year-end finance report.
Initiate ocular scan mode.
Illuminate and recalibrate.
Gah! Unthinkable! The horror! This is the first year my earnings are lower than the year before.
I'm sorry, sir.
These days, enlightened people like solar, and the consciously evil prefer fracking.
[SPUTTERS] Wh-Why, if this continues, in 150 years I'll be out on the street.
Sir, sir, sir, I'm sure there's some sort of inessential line item - that no one will miss.
- Mm-hmm.
Effective immediately: children's health care will be cut from workers' benefits.
[BOOING] This meeting is over.
God bless the United States of America and release the hounds.
[BARKING] Oh, I got three kids, and they've all got health.
I am so cursed.
That's what you get for having a family.
[CHUCKLES] I'm gonna die like I lived: nice and lonely.
[CHUCKLES] Sweet.
Maybe we can get the kids government health care.
Oh, sorry, Marge, that's gone, remember? Because of those corporate tax cuts we all wanted? I didn't want them.
[LAUGHS]: You say so now, but I remember you back then.
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]: "Ooh, corporate tax cuts.
Makers not takers.
" Oh, every time Ann Coulter has a cold, you think she's me.
I'm sorry, honey.
We'll just have to cut back on the kids' meds.
Back in my day, children didn't need no meds! You just gave 'em a slug of whiskey and sent 'em off to school.
And if they lost their snowshoe, you'd beat 'em with the other one! That's how we raised the generation that lost Vietnam.
Bart, your old attention deficit disorder medicine isn't covered by insurance anymore, so we'll have to use a cheaper drug that's just as good.
So goodbye, Focusyn.
Hello, Chillaxodol.
Mm.
Mom, I was just on hypochondria.
edu, and I think you should see something.
Are you giving your precious child the generic ADD medication Chillaxodol? Yes.
Why? Your child may experience unwanted side effects, including headaches painful spasms [BABBLING] dry mouth [GASPS] Ah.
- and whiskers - Mm! musical flatulence [FARTING RHYTHMICALLY] involuntary Memphis juking sudden relocation MARGE: Hmm? Mm.
and a symptom that can only be described as "dolphining.
" [SQUEAKING] [GASPS] If you or a loved one is experiencing any of these side effects, you would do well to remember that life is heartless and brutal, and the cosmos is indifferent to us all.
I'd say goodbye, but what's the point? [HORN HONKS] - [TIRES SCREECH] - [THUD] Without insurance, we'll just have to go to [SIGHS] Dr.
Nick.
Sorry, everybody.
Remember, if at any time you become a dog, then I can medicine you.
No hope.
There's no hope here.
Hmm.
"The healing magic of crystals.
" [SIGHS] Well, I've tried everything else.
Shalom, kind queen.
I mean the "hello" shalom, but also the "peace" one.
How can I soothe you? Wow.
That was a lot just now.
But yet it's only a snippet of the cosmic conversation.
Look, my son is having bad side effects from his ADD meds.
His father wants him to join football for a nice, calming concussion.
I have just the thing for you.
Crystals? Healing crystals.
I am pretty desperate.
Crystals are a timeless database of energy, knowledge and sparkling.
Scientists are finally waking up to what pyramids have known all along.
[LIKE DRACULA]: I vant to suck your money.
Uh, maybe I could just buy a couple rocks and go.
Oh, they're more than rocks.
They make great stocking stuffers.
And for Hanukkah? Uh, useless.
[SCRAPING NEARBY] MARGE: Hey.
Bart, it's time for your ADD treatment.
Aah aah, aah, aah.
Hmm, maybe he's a little overtrained.
It's not a pill.
Ooh, a suppository.
Fill 'er up.
It's not a drug.
I want you to try these.
Hmm [EXPLOSION] I believe.
[HUMMING A TUNE] "A" paper by Lisa.
"A" paper by Lisa.
"A" paper by Bart.
An "A"? Oh, my gosh, Bart! Could it really be the crystals? Yes, definitely the crystals.
You really got an "A"? No white-out.
The answers are actually correct.
Maybe he really did the work.
Or maybe he cheated, and I have to find out how.
Whoa! Someone could use a chill-out crystal.
It's made by your boyfriend, Lis, the Earth! Lisa has a boyfriend? And this is how I find out? I don't know which of you two is dumber.
So I'm a bit of a mystery, huh? Huh? [SCHOOL BELL RINGING] Marge, I heard Bart got an "A.
" - How'd you do it? - Can you keep a secret? Unless it's about a person, yes.
It was crystals.
Crystals, huh? I could use some of those for Kirk.
I want to seed the bed with them, so he doesn't crawl over to me.
No worries.
I'll pick up more on my way home.
Oh, no, what happened? I'm closing the store.
A cot finally opened up in this cult I've been trying to get into.
Congratulations, I guess.
Can I still buy crystals? Just take 'em.
In fact, you can have my entire inventory.
Thank you.
Now, enter my chariot to Heaven.
Are you sure about this? Of course! I'm ascending to a higher level of being.
Now, sisters, let us Sharpie in the whites of our eyes.
[SHARPIES SQUEAKING] MARGE: Oh, wow.
"Before passing on to a new owner, "crystals should be cleared of their old energy with a combination of water and sulfur.
" Which is just what comes out of our tap! The crystals got Kirk a new job.
With a uniform! That's right, I'm a batboy.
[CHUCKLES] Nelson got an "A" on his test! This is going right up on the refrigerator in the front yard.
Marge, we need more crystals.
MARGE: I'm not even 100% sure these things work.
Should I really be selling them? You know, these just might make me stop drinking.
I guess I should.
I'm gonna grind 'em up and snort 'em.
Marge, another "A" in my class for Bart.
I'm so impressed that a boy with Bart's jiggly-wigglies could be cured by this pagan hogwash.
You can't argue with facts.
Oh, dear, we're running low on obsidian.
Almost out of moon potion.
And there's no more brain powder.
I can sell you brain powder in bulk.
Here's whose brain the powder is from.
It's a cow, but a very smart one.
Hmm.
What else do you sell? Oh, massage stones, copper bracelets, dream catchers, dream catcher filter replacements.
This old one is full of dreams.
I don't see anything in it.
Don't you see it? Your dream of being a massive success? You see it? Right there.
See it? - Mm-mmm.
- Right there.
See it? I think I am starting to see it.
Are you sure? Do you really? I see it! Yeah, okay, bring it down.
Less Oprah, more Chopra.
I see it.
I guess I could expand my product line.
Then I can really start making my own money, not be dependent on Homer.
Did I hear "not dependent on Homer"? Boom.
Retired.
You should still go in to work.
I don't think I even remember how to get there.
You were just there today.
[ELDERLY VOICE]: Feels like that, doesn't it? [MARGE GRUMBLES] Here at MURMUR, we have everything a holistic mother might need.
Cactus milk.
Wicker birthing chairs.
Fairy traps.
Tibetan singing bowls.
[PLAYING DISSONANT MELODY] [SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER HOWLS] Are these macaroons free-range? Yes.
Only made from coconuts that fall from the tree or are gently coaxed by woke monkeys.
I'm sorry, Marge, I'm gonna have to shut you down.
You don't have a retail business license.
Well, Chief, do I really need a license to sell that hemp body lotion Sarah likes so much? And which is free to you? Ooh, I like it, too! But I'm gonna need more than that.
Hmm.
Mm hmm.
Mm.
[CHUCKLES] HOMER: Oh, Marge! [WHOOPS] I've only done this before with Monopoly money and salami! Where'd it go? It's all right here, baby.
We made $1,000 today.
What's that without the cost of goods? $998.
[GASPS] I love you.
[MOANS] Ain't it beautiful Ooh, ooh Crystal blue persuasion Better get ready Gonna see the light Love, love is the answer Ooh, ooh And that's all right So don't you give up now Ooh, ooh So easy to find Just look to your soul Look to your soul And open your mind - Meep - [GROWLS] Crystal blue persuasion [SLURPS] So, those crystals must really be uncloggin' your noggin, huh? Yep.
They're making math problems like 60 + 63 as easy as 1-2-3.
Mm.
And what is 60 + 63? - Oh.
Um - It's 1-2-3! BART: Ay, caramba! I'll figure out your scam.
Sorry, Lis, I can't hear you over the bowl.
[SUSTAINED NOTE] You won't get away with it! I will stop you! Because this is not [GRUNTS] Oh, oh.
Singing bowl, you are so peaceful.
[CASH REGISTER DINGS] Luann bought $60 worth of organic blackberries today.
I hope she enjoys both of them.
I need this for shopping.
And this for a rainy day.
Do I hear thunder? Namaste.
We're closed.
What part of "namaste" don't you understand? I'm gonna need you to can it, Marge.
My name is Piper Paisley.
Do I know you? I have a healing beauty relaxorium in Shelbyville.
Perhaps you've heard of PLOP.
Well, it's wonderful to meet a fellow entrepreneuse.
Is it? If I wasn't Botoxed as hell, I'd be frowning at you right now.
[SNAPS] [GASPS] East? That's a solstice stone, not an equinox stone.
Just nama-stay out of my business.
Marge, honey, you've got to be careful.
She means business.
Oh, look what it says.
This means war.
Marge, don't say that! I got into this business because of the kids, but now I like it.
You know what? I'm going to open up a kiosk in the Shelbyville Mall.
On her turf! Ugh! You don't belong there! What happened to that hoverboard guy? Marge made me a better offer! You know you can't do this, right build a competing kiosk in the same escalator dump-out zone? [CHUCKLES]: I mean, you can't.
There's no more law and order in malls.
[WHIMPERS] Aah! You've been living in my kiosk? If you call that living.
Well, well, Bart, another "A.
" [CHUCKLES] Looks like I brought my average up to a "D.
" [SCHOOL BELL RINGS] [CHUCKLES] [MYSTERIOUS JAZZ PLAYING] [GRUNTS] Now to test my theory.
Aha! What the hell are you doing? I know what you did, Bart Simpson.
It's crystal clear.
You hid the Gettysburg Address in a poster right by your desk, which you could read when Milhouse distracted Flanders.
[SNIFFING] [GROANING] [FLANDERS GASPS] [MYSTERIOUS JAZZ BEGINS PLAYING] Pure coincidence.
I put all the times tables in Newton's wig.
And look what I hid in the apple.
Ew! You know, it would have been far easier just to study and get an "A.
" Yeah, but what's the point of that? I'm telling Dad.
Not today.
I got my book club.
A Confederacy of Dunces.
Ooh, is that the book? No, that's who's coming: Lenny, Carl, Barney, Moe.
The book we read was, uh, The Girl with the Dragon Something.
- I didn't get through the title.
- Yeah, me neither.
It was just as boring as Tinker Tailor Something Something.
Well, cancel the book club, 'cause Bart has something he has to tell Mom.
Why? You don't realize how bad this is, do you? You betrayed the one person who still believes in you.
The dog believes in me.
Ruh-ruh.
Don't you get it? Who's the person that's always there when you need it? ["I'LL ALWAYS LOVE MY MAMA" BY THE INTRUDERS PLAYING] I'll always love my mama She's my favorite girl - I'll always love my mama - [SCHOOL BELL RINGS] Oh, my God.
She's shown me nothing but love.
How do I make this guilt go away? Tell her the truth.
No, that's not it.
Keep pitching.
No, that is it! Oh, fine! Now, looky here.
I learned Swedish to read this here book, and we are gonna discuss it.
Nordic noir is known for its plain language and absence of metaphors.
Dig deeper.
[STAMMERS] The novel reflects, implicitly and explicitly, gaps between rhetoric and practice in Swedish policy.
[PANTING] That'll do nicely.
Who wants cake? I said, who wants cake? Our day of kiosk combat begins.
My sisters abuse Piper's free sample policy.
Mmm.
I smell like the smoking area of a nice resort.
Schmear me like a bagel.
[BOTH CHUCKLE] Now, phase two.
The one force no kiosk can withstand: a confused old person.
Somewhere in me is a yoni egg.
I think it might be hatching.
Uh, they don't hatch.
Can you take that chance? Mom, I'm sorry.
I wasn't getting As because of the crystals.
I lied.
This crystal don't work! Nelson got detention, and I got demoted from stripper to topless valet.
Kirk crawled over these and made his way to me.
Three times.
[SIGHS] One last thing to do.
That's not the egg I was thinking of.
Keep looking.
Stop, stop.
Piper, stop.
You win.
I don't belong in this mall with all these legitimate businesses.
[CACKLES] I win! [CHUCKLES] I win.
Me.
I'm sorry, I'm just I'm very competitive.
Have you tried rose quartz? Let me ask you something.
Do I look like an idiot? [CHUCKLES] Ooh, I love your handbag.
Well, thank you.
No prob, babe.
I win.
[ENERGETIC MUSIC PLAYING] Marge, honey, I'm glad you're home.
I've been thinking.
I want to be more than just Mr.
Mrs.
Homer Simpson.
I want to get a job.
You have a job.
I know.
Raising the kids and looking fabulous.
But I thought it would be nice to have somewhere to go every day.
You work at the power plant.
They call every morning and say, "Where are you?" So you're not mad? Oh, I love you! Mwah! Thank you for understanding.
[CHUCKLING]: Oh [OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS] Excuse me.
I have a friend I think is here.
Um, I just wanted to make sure she's okay.
Marge.
Good to see you.
But, really, not necessary.
Because everything here is Run! Run! - [RAPID GUNFIRE] - What's happening here?! I thought you were just getting massages! Those were good.
But the other stuff is [SHUDDERS] Blow up the bridge.
[EXPLOSION]