The Simpsons s31e01 Episode Script

The Winter of Our Monetized Content

D'oh! Fold down that and then up that and this and over there and you have a beautiful swan! What the?! This is Anger Watkins, and you're watching basic cable's angriest sports show.
Folks, this is difficult to say, but, today, I'm angry! I like how angry he is.
I want to broach a topic that no one else has the airtime to fill to discuss.
Greatest of All Time.
LeBron, Kobe or MJ? I'll tell you why you're all wrong! Let's open the lines.
The producer says I'm gonna go on.
Please, Sports Jesus, guide my blather.
Welcome to Rage Nation.
What the hell is your problem? Uh, first-time listener, long-time caller.
So, I, uh Give me a take! Anger needs a take.
Who is number one? Uh, John Stockton! John Stockton?! We're trying to have our daily conversation in which we rank and re-rank three demigods, and you bring John "Never Won a Title" Stockton into the mix?! Shame! For shame! Homer, you got flushed.
A man who don't know sports, um, he ain't much of a man.
You're nothing to me now.
Just a husband and father.
Stupid Anger Watkins flushing me with an audio effect.
Why not eat your feelings with a cheer-up kebab? Let's see.
Pizza slice, summer sausage Here you go.
It was only a dumb call-in show.
Easy for you to say.
If that jerk didn't like your sports notions, listen to someone else.
The Internet's full of homemade sports shows.
Anyone could put one on, - I mean, even - Don't say "you.
" Don't say "you.
" Even you.
Damn it.
Oh, yes.
Of course! An Internet sports talk show! But where could I find a host who thinks all my opinions are great? Me.
Marge, prepare a congratulations kebab.
These are hard as rocks.
Food fight! Uh, this calls for massive retaliation.
Use your quadratic equations, men.
Oh, my God.
I'm having a flashback.
Good Lord, I'm reliving the Tot Offensive.
Skinner I'll Heimlich you, sir.
Just be still so I can embrace you from behind.
Get off me.
Shh, you're safe now.
Now, which of you little hoodlums tossed the first tot? - The nerd did it.
- Principal Skinner, it wasn't me.
It was physics.
Is this true, Fizix? I would've thought better of a Turkemenistani exchange student.
Ah! I had nothing to do with it.
I came to this country to escape food-based violence.
Lisa, one week's detention.
Welcome to Walkoff Homer! This is Homer Simpson, the rudest dude on the InnerTube.
They say Muhammad Ali was the greatest of all time, but he never fought Cassius Clay.
What was he afraid of? Boom! Hot take.
And how come, in basketball, they use the basket all the time but you could literally play football without any feet? This show sucks.
I can't believe he's wasting Flanders' Wi-Fi on this.
Here's a few things that bug me.
How can they call traveling on a home team? Why is soccer so stupid? How can they play hockey in a garden? Why can't golfers carry their own clubs? Lazy jerks.
"Moose Poo"?! Why, you hilarious Eat Sunset Rose! Semi-gloss.
Seed bell? Like that's gonna stop me.
Huh? Oh, so cute! Look at Oh, my face! My face! What the hell's so funny? We must come together to lower our carbon - Stupid boy.
- Dumb dad.
First, he ruins my life.
- Then he ruins my livestream.
- Me ruining his show was - the only good part of his show.
- I'm gonna change the NHL with my idea Fat goalie was his only good take.
- for morbidly obese goalies.
- Should've led with it.
Hello.
#FirstImpression.
Oh, my God, a hipster! Marge, bring him a microbrew! - Quick! - I'm on it! Ah The alluvial hops really bring out the riparian bitterness.
He likes it.
- I think.
- I did like it.
My name's Warburton Parker.
I'm a stranger to you.
Why should you listen to me? - You don't know my backstory.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, here it is colon as a child, my only friend was my computer.
I was teased every day.
Then I became a pro snowboarder, married a supermodel, went into tech, made a fortune, bought the factories where the kids who teased me's parents worked and shut the factories down.
Do you have a backstory? Once, when I was six, I ate a radio.
I like you, but that won't get in the way.
Let me cut to the chase.
I make money from viral videos.
And you two have gone viral.
"Raccoon in a revolving door" viral.
You're right to dance in such a fashion.
Because I'll show you how to make videos that will make you rich.
And me richer.
And me richest.
What are you doing here? I get an alert whenever anyone's getting rich.
Wow.
5.
million views! Wow! Good, not great.
That's the population of Colorado.
Is that the Broncos one? - It is.
- Aw.
The question is, how much money have you made? Let's see.
Uh, third quarter take - Factor in overhead.
- Of course.
- Overhead.
- Projections.
Apples to apples.
Figure net profit.
Got it.
Nothing.
The question was rhetorical, you idiots.
Sorry about the "idiots" thing.
But what you need to do is monetize.
- Monetize! Monetize! - Monetize! Monetize! Monorail.
Monorail.
Wait, what are we talking about? Perhaps you are familiar with the greatest viral video of all time, "Monkey smells finger and falls out of tree.
" Hmm.
No, I've never seen Oh, my Oh Oh, that monkey! And the-the monkey! He smelled his finger.
Then boom! Smell.
That monkey and that monkey's estate made zero dollars.
Even less in monkey dollars.
If he had signed with me, I mean, just hypothetically, there would be oh, I don't know Monkey Finger Sniff T-shirts, Monkey Finger Sniff Finger Wipes, Monkey Finger Sniff sponsorships and a spot on Weekend Update on SNL.
Host, Rami Malek or better.
Musical guest, Pitbull.
What this monkey didn't sniff was opportunity.
In the next five minutes, you'll get more views than the entire rebooted Murphy Brown.
Ugh, such high hopes.
Not the same without Eldin.
Now, this fight, you're gonna get kickback from - Duff Beer? - Look at your shirt.
Oh! Label to camera.
Hey, label to camera.
They're gonna love this publicity.
You guys just earned your first quarter.
First quarter revenue? No.
First quarter, like the coin.
Halt and Catch Fire, boy! Silicon Valley! How the Web Was Won.
I'll give you another quarter to shut up.
Monetize.
Look at us, the bully, the princess, more bullies, the Ralph and me, the smart kid no one gets.
Yet, maybe, by the end of the day, I'll realize this is just what I needed.
This is what I needed to break through the Lisa, you don't belong here.
Oh, thank God.
So long, delinquents! Your detention is being held in our new facility, the R.
O.
C.
C.
Welcome to the Remote On-site Correctional Center.
How can something be both remote and on-site? All right, wisenheimer.
You just earned yourself a day in the hole.
The Holistic Obstinance Lessening Environment.
Uh-oh.
There's nothing in here but old Goosebumps books.
Fine.
Read those.
They aren't scary.
They aren't scary! What happened to regular detention? Well, because we could no longer afford any after-school activity, the school district has outsourced detention.
Welcome to Misbehavior Solutions, a Torture 500 company.
You privatized detention? Lisa, you have to understand.
Anyone who's done anything remotely poor is in private prison.
Oh, did I say "poor"? I meant wrong.
No more questions.
So, how's the monetizing going? Pick a hand.
Pick again.
Not the same hand.
I'm not a magician.
It's in the other hand.
Please pick the other hand.
All right, I'm just gonna show you the check.
Oh, my God! $5,000! This will come in handy when I buy a boat! Now, for the really big money, I sold the location rights - to your next fight.
- Huh? No, no, no.
This needs to be a discussion.
It's here in this fried chicken restaurant.
End of discussion.
You see, this place has an image problem.
They've had nine salmonella deaths and one fried pinky in the past week.
Mmm Salmon-ella.
So they want you two you and you to change the conversation.
If there's a regional, casual dining chain that needs my help, I'm there! My heroes.
Okay, kind of, you know, fake nibble.
- Pretend you're enjoying the thighs.
- I am.
Uh, they're made of wax.
Whatever.
I'm on my fourth bucket.
Sad.
Okay, just action.
Why, you little And escalate and escalate.
Views, views, views.
Yes! Feel the burn.
Literally sit in it.
Would you like some onion rings? I don't see why not.
Ah.
Beautiful.
Look at those view numbers fly.
I-I shouldn't say this.
No, I-I'm gonna say it.
Okay, I say it a lot.
You two are more beloved than Marathon-Diarrhea Guy.
- I love that guy.
- Best guy.
We have so many sick sponsored fights lined up.
We're gonna make Marathon-Diarrhea Guy look like Dog on Washing Machine.
- I love that dog! - Best dog.
Violence is the best.
Dad, you're holding my hand.
Is that weird? I've seen it in books.
Say, boy, can I buy you a? Nah, I'm good, but thanks.
Give me a Duff, Moe.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Your money's no good here.
You're a celebrity now, Mr.
YouTube.
The biggest one this bar has seen since the snake that ate three pool balls.
Got a picture of that.
See it? Anything I can do for you.
Anything.
You just name it.
Well, little more than I thought you'd ask for, but, uh, no, I respect the greed.
Now I'm going back to my people.
Hey, how you doing? It's that kid from YouTube! You, my friend, are getting an escort.
Nah-nah, nah-nah, nah-nah.
Aw, isn't that cute? Let's give the biggest one a gun and take the week off.
Milhouse, why are you in detention? For using the metric side of my ruler.
That seems pretty arbitrary.
Uh, why am I here? All I did was wear swim trunks in the shower.
They're packing detention with minor infractors.
But why? Why do corporations do anything? To help society.
We need you to make kiddie license plates.
I need 100 Caitlyns, 100 Kaitlyns and a thousand Kate Lynns.
Oh, my mom's picking me up.
She'll be frantic! Oh, they said I could pick him up at midnight.
Mm! You want something stamped? How about this? Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! How do you know about unions? 'Cause our history books end in the 1930s.
Thanks, guys.
Hey, Dad! Hey, son! I kind of missed you.
I kind of missed you, too.
Aw.
Okay, they're hugging.
Excuse me, but I thought the hate was real.
I have not been so angry since I saw every Star Wars since the second.
They are no longer my heroes! Kumiko, we are changing the Comic-Con costumes.
We're going back to our old costumes Sailor Moon and the Moon.
Hey there, Chalmers.
Hey there, Skinner.
We will be here until dinner! These Norma Rae-sinets refuse to back down.
You can cut detention with a knife.
In other news, the Pope has died.
My corporation has a deal with this school to provide free kishly happy workers.
You better fix this and fast.
I think I have an answer.
I know people who will do anything for money as long as it doesn't involve kids the teachers.
Take it from the Moon.
Bart and Homer have cratered.
I hate them and I uh-oh.
So, because people think you like each other, you're has-beens.
Yesterday's views.
Deader than MySpace.
15 minutes of lame.
Why are you still here around me? Please help us.
It hurts so much to know that no one is clicking me or liking me.
They might have no opinion.
I can't live with that! May I make an original and groundbreaking observation that no one has ever said before? There is one thing that show business loves.
- Betty White? - A comeback.
We are going to put you out in front of some of the greatest influencers and tastemakers alive.
We will remake Bart and Homer Brand.
What do you say to BHB2? Is it a drug? Lay it on me.
It stands for "Bart Homer Brand 2," you moron.
Of course it is.
Is it a pill? Or the other end? This is the largest gathering of social media influencers in the western hemisphere.
There's Detonator, the Internet's leading walkthrough gamer.
What's your side quest, Demon? - Uh, well, I - Terminate dialogue tree.
Return to main quest.
Hmm.
Hey, there's Leslie Sky.
She does makeup tutorials with veiled white nationalism.
For the foundation, we can either go with brown, or skin color.
Oh, my God, it's Jurgen, Southern Norway's leading unboxer.
First we take the burger box from the bag, yeah.
Carefully open the box so it can be reclasped.
Mm-hmm.
Robust hinging.
I am tired now.
And winter comes.
And now, to tell you what you're gonna do.
Live Online.
Doesn't "mortal" mean "dead"? Um, it can, but it's just a figure of speech.
So we don't kill each other? Oh, if you did, that would be great.
But let's play it by ear.
Okay, guys, when you're in combat, definitely killing each other, it's important to feature your sponsored weapons.
Bart, you're promoting Netflix.
Got it? And Trident gum.
Homer, you're repping Axe Body Spray and Trident Spearmint gum.
Do you get it, Homer? The product things match the words.
I don't know, this seems kind of lame.
You know what's not lame? An audience of 200 livestreams while you kill your own father.
Or whatever.
Feel it out.
I don't know, I'm gonna need some more inspiration.
Oh, my God, is it really you? It is.
Ladies and gentlemen, YouTubers, Instagrammers, and homeless former Viners, you loved them in their smackdown at Panda Express.
Then they hugged and you were like, "What?" Homer and Bart Simpson! Do I smell fear? I'm not afraid of you.
You're smelling the refreshing scent of Axe Body Spray.
Dark Temptation.
I don't know, Dad.
This just doesn't feel right.
I don't want to fight you.
Me, neither, son.
Who'd have thought that two guys from such different worlds could connect like us? Quit using your words! Hello.
I'm Homer Simpson.
And this is episode two of Walkoff Homer.
Today's question: are sports talk shows a complete and utter waste of time? We will get to the bottom of this within the next five hours.
Five hours?! I can't get my point across in five hours.
My whole career depends on me never quite getting to the finish.
Because I know