The Simpsons s31e06 Episode Script

Marge the Lumberjill

1 What, too soon? (EXCLAIMS) (SCHOOL BELL RINGS) (BELCHES) (WORK WHISTLE BLOWS) Aah! (SCANNER BEEPS) (TIRES SCREECH) D'oh! (GRUNTS) Avast there.
It be too late to alter course, matey.
And there be pirates lurking in every cove.
Get to the ride.
(ALL SCREAMING) Did they get a picture? Welcome to our first-ever night of dramatic scenes written by our students.
Should we silence our cell phones and pagers? No, no, no, please, I beg you, leave them on.
An-And here-here's some candy to unwrap.
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING) And now, an new scene from the CW's Riverdale.
(STUDENTS CHEER) Jughead, there's been a murder at Pop's Chock'lit Shoppe and it's up to us kids to solve it.
I can't deal with that right now.
My dad's in jail and the only way to get him out is to try drugs.
We're both pregnant with Big Moose's babies.
Wait.
So this is a play based on a YouTube of kids playing a video game? - That's right.
- (SCOFFS) It's about time.
Okay, to get their chug jugs, I could snipe these guys out one by one, but the smarter move is to plant a charge at the base of their attack platform and skull-splat 'em when they land.
Hey, guys, if you want more game hacks like this, be sure to smash our like button and subscribe to our channel.
Up next, night vision fails.
How is this a play? Well, sir, video game walk-throughs are the only narrative most of these kids have been exposed to.
- This is their Becket.
- BOTH: Who? Are you Terry Bradshaw? No.
It's, uh, Donny Osmond.
Boner.
Boner from Growing Pains.
(DISTORTED): You're all wrong.
My real identity is Flavor Flav! Flavor Flav? I've heard of you.
I've heard of you so much.
I am such a huge fan of your movies, books, or music.
I can also pretend to be impressed.
ALL: The end.
(SCATTERED APPLAUSE) Wake up.
Lisa's next.
Oh, no, please.
I'm having the best dream.
I was in my warm, cozy grave.
Well, I'm gonna dream about me in a soft, cuddly crypt.
- Yeah - Ah Amazingly, this next piece is not based on something you watch on your phone or a gas pump, but is actually an honest-to-goodness play, by Lisa "Thank God You're a Throwback" Simpson.
And so I give you Long Day's Journey Into Light Beer.
Where's my beer, Marjorie? I spent all day making sure this beer was cold.
Aah! I make bad choices.
Lisa's really nailed the Hibberts.
(CHUCKLES) Uh, yo, dude, my catchphrases are as outdated as my slingshot.
Ay, caramba! Oh, Mom, it's so hard being a straight-A student with a social conscience who writes amazing plays.
The only stable thing in this house is you, making every day the same as the last.
Exactly the same.
Like the coffee maker says, things will perk up.
I thought you were the coffee maker.
You can learn a lot from percolators.
Make the most of the daily grind.
The mother character is such a snooze.
Ralph has nothing to play against.
(GASPS) They think I'm boring.
(GASPS) This play is about us! Today I decided to be a race car driver, so I was, then I quit.
I also have exciting news.
I converted four soap slivers into practically a new bar.
Is this how the world sees me as a How do the kids say lame-o these days? We say lame-o, you lame-o.
Suck, suck.
And I felt like the ghost belonging to the fog.
And the fog was the ghost of the sea.
Suck, suck.
(CHEERING) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) You really think I'm that boring? Lisa, you made someone feel sad, which is not what a drama about a family is supposed to do.
Marge, could we get a picture? Okay.
- (YAWNS) - (SHUTTER CLICKS) So all the generations Boring.
They think I'm boring.
I'll show them who's boring.
Now, this morning, Marge Simpson has insistently volunteered to read a passage.
She says she's gonna bring her own spin to it.
(HUMMING A TUNE) Now, a reading from John, 18:38, between Pontius Pilate and Jesus.
(QUIETLY): Marge! Marge! Marge! (EXAGGERATED ITALIAN ACCENT): Hey-a Jesus, what's a matter for you? You saying youse a king? (NORMAL VOICE) He was Roman, that's why I'm doing the accent.
(MAN COUGHS) Anyhoo, Jesus answered, and I think it might have gone something like this.
(IMITATING JACKIE MASON): I'm not a king, I'm a carpenter.
A Jewish carpenter.
The only thing I nail are my SATs.
So then, Pontius says to the elders, "This-a Jesus, he-a look like a nice-a guy.
" Nobody talk-a like-a that.
I make a nice-a sentence.
Just like-a Mama used to construct.
- Oh - Can we just hear Lovejoy's sermon, please? Yeah, Marge, read the room.
Mm You need this more than we do, lady.
Boring.
That's what this straight-A Girl Scout has become boring.
(THUNDER CRASHES) (SCREAMING) (GASPS) You just had a near-death experience.
That's exciting.
Whoo! What a rich life you lead, Mom.
I'm going to bed.
That will really turn around your boring reputation.
Shh.
(GRUNTING) (SNORING) (SIGHS) Don't worry, Homer, I'll chop the wood.
Like always.
I have to do everything.
(GRUNTS) Even chop the trees.
(GRUNTING) - Hyah! - Whoa! - Hyah! - (CHUCKLES) Hyah! Mmm.
I know where she can put that chopping to good use.
- Homer's neck? - No.
He doesn't have one.
Something better.
Lower your right hand.
Gives you more power.
Hmm.
Thanks, um Paula.
Friend of Patty's.
We met at Burning Woman.
Nice job on that wood.
HOMER (WEAKLY): I helped.
Yeah, you helped, all right.
You helped that hammock kiss the ground.
(WEAKLY): D'oh.
Marge, I don't know if you know this, but I'm a top-level contender at Timbersports.
That's so interesting.
How does it feel to be magnificent? I'll show you.
The only card I need is the ace of spades The ace of spades.
(CHAIN SAW BUZZING) That is a fascinating hobby.
(SIGHS) Timbersports is more than a hobby.
It's an unpaid passion that you do in your spare time.
Now, we're going to the woods.
(BREATHES DEEPLY) Ah.
- What are you doing? - Breathing.
Breathing for the first time in my life.
Ah.
Can I do one thing for the knots in your shoulders? Sure.
Aah Ooh, ooh! Ooh! Not so Oh.
Now, to motivate your chopping, think of things that make you mad.
Oh, nothing really makes me mad.
Mom, Lisa won't stay on her side of the thought bubble.
(BOTH GRUNTING) You have five seconds to live.
(GRUNTS) So do you, idiot.
We're in the same bubble.
My final words are Lisa sucks! (GRUNTING) She's a natural.
I walked into the forest So beautiful and green And there I saw a woman Who was chopping down a tree The sawdust was flyin' She was spinnin' on a log On her waist was strapped a tool belt With a Black & Decker saw Vroom, vroom, pull the cord Buzz, buzz, just one more Roar, roar, what a thrill With Lumberjill Vroom, vroom, pull the cord Buzz, buzz, just one more Roar, roar, what a thrill With Lumberjill.
Ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh I'm Chip Bunyan, eh, and welcome to the Springfield Timbersports Pro-Am.
I'm here with former NBA analyst Anger Watkins.
Timbersports.
Timber sports? I snap one P.
A.
's bra strap, and this is where I land? Who is the Lebron of this thing? No one will tell me.
His name is Matt Cogar.
Is his nickname The Cougar? No, his nickname is Matt.
Matt isn't a nickname.
It's a name name.
(STAMMERS) I'd storm out of here right now if I weren't so terrified of squirrels.
Take my money! Take it! I'm glad Mom's found a passion, but I wish she didn't have to kill all those trees.
I read that trees are the cause of global warming.
Where'd you read that? My new fourth grade science book.
(GRUMBLES) (WHISTLES) (ALL GRUNTING) And they're off, displaying lots of forest gumption, eh? First we have Nelson Muntz.
He's ten years old, but, man, is it a hard ten.
(GRUNTING) (SLURRING): Hey.
That's my boy.
He gets his pole skills from his mama.
Oh! Marge Simpson takes the lead! No one saw this coming, because no one was watching.
(STAMMERS) What could possibly be her motivation? I'm not boring! (GROWLS) - Woo-hoo! - Yay! You magnificent she-beast.
All our sweaty passion and grunting paid off.
Now's the time I should tell you.
Paula is gay.
Aw.
She made a friend.
You've made me a new woman.
Oh.
Should I be concerned? It's no weirder than that time our knees touched under the bar.
You still think about that? Every day.
(HUMMING A TUNE) Aw.
I haven't been this happy in a long time.
You were great, but I have a question.
Do you want to take it to the next level? What do you mean? Will you ride the blade with me? You know, help me bow the jagged-toothed fiddle? I don't understand.
Draw and drag the sequoia widow-maker.
You're gonna have to tell me what you're talking about.
Will you be my partner on the double-ended bucksaw? You really think that I have what it takes? I know you do.
But if we do this, you'll have to train with me for a month, in Portland.
A month? Oh, no, I can't leave Homer that long.
(THUNDER CRASHES) (SCREAMING) Oh.
Fantasies can be good? (HUMMING A TUNE) Good to have you back.
(HUMMING) (YAWNS) Boy, am I beat.
Homie, I feel like I'm my very best self in these competitions.
You are, honey.
In a way I could never make you feel or comprehend.
Paula wants me to train with her.
If I do, I'll be gone for a month.
A month? We've never been apart that long.
I miss you when we're separated in a revolving door.
I miss you when I'm putting a sweater over my head.
I miss you when I close my eyes during a sneeze.
I miss you when the clock springs ahead an hour.
We'll never get that time back.
Homer, do you really want me to stay, knowing how much I need this to feel good about myself? Yes, I do.
- (GRUMBLES) - What? What? Where you going? She might leave and never come back.
Just like the McRib.
(CRYING) - - You feel it all Around yourself.
- - (THUNDER CRASHES) Oh.
I forgot to unlock the door.
God, how insulting to people.
So nervous about seeing your mother.
Let's just enjoy Portland.
I mean, I can't believe we've never been here before.
Indigenous artworks, craft breweries, independent movie theaters and that's just in one coffee shop.
(GASPS) Comic Book Guy? Yes, I often come here to recharge.
In Portland I'm quirky, rather than objectionable.
Do you sell comic books here? No.
Marijuana.
And artisanal salami.
Laced with marijuana.
(ACOUSTIC SIMPSONS THEME PLAYING) Stupid Flanders Street.
Okay, this is where your mom is.
Help me get her back.
Please help me get her back.
Ooh.
Hello, Nicolas Cage.
(GROWLS) Dad, she's gonna know that's not your real hair.
You've got to have a modicum of faith in who you are.
It's a snap.
Cool.
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR) - Welcome, new friend, whoever you are.
Homie! You're here a day early.
BOTH: Mom! Mm.
Oh, I've missed you all so much.
How are you guys? Oh! We were, of course, unraveling.
Bart, Lisa, your grampa is taking good care of you.
- (MEOWS) - Now where's the baby? Aw.
Good girl.
Um, I like what you're wearing.
Thank you.
These are locally-sourced dungarees and Pendleton flannel.
It's what Jill Sobule wore when she played the Crystal Ballroom.
(GASPS) Jill Sobule? Like every other place we go, I love Portland.
So much, I want to leave Springfield until I find out something bad that makes me realize that there's no place like home.
Now, now, your mother has not settled in here.
PAULA: Welcome.
These are our pugs: Nike and Swoosh.
BOTH: Mwah.
Marjorie, could you and I have a word in the backyard? Don't you see what's happening here? - You're married.
- Yes, I know.
- To you.
- No, to her.
Look around.
You're married in the two most important ways there are: emotionally and cooking.
(CHUCKLES): Oh.
That's ridiculous.
(QUIETLY): You're fostering pugs.
- They remind me of you.
- Aw.
But I am upset.
I'm finally good at something and you have to be jealous.
Marge, sweetie, I'm really proud of you.
I'm not jealous or mad.
It's just when are you coming home? Tomorrow, after the competition.
Woo-hoo! I win.
- Not that I was nervous.
- (PHONE VIBRATING) Unless we win, in which case, I might stay and prep for the finals.
Marge, I've backed you in this from day one.
No, you haven't.
Not a bit.
Then it's too late to start now.
Oh, I'm sitting in a bar and my wife's in love with a female lumberjack.
Classic Portland.
Where are you from? Springfield.
- Which one? Oregon? - I don't know.
ANNOUNCER: Welcome back to the Grizzly Timbersports Northwest Championship Finals, brought to you by no one.
Still looking.
Marge and Paula are in control.
I am falling in love with this sport.
And when I fall, I fall hard.
I'm taking you home with me.
(CHITTERS) Hold the Stella, fella.
Carol "Oak" Connor and Rachel "The Pine" Cohen have taken command.
I can't be silent anymore.
Let me through.
- Eh.
- There's plenty of room.
- Marge, I was a lumber-jerk.
- (GRUNTING) I'm only happy if you're happy.
Our love is like an old tree.
If you cut it down, it grows back stronger.
(QUIETLY): Um, that's not how trees work.
Well, according to my book, it is.
(GRUNTING) - Yay! All right.
- (CHEERING) I love this sport! And maybe now I can love my lumberjack son.
(CRYING) Ladies and gentlemen, our grand champion and winner of a Bass Pro Shops $50 gift card, Marge Simpson.
- (EXCLAIMS) - All right, champ! See you in the showers.
Congratulations, Paula.
You won.
Enjoy the hell out of her.
Homer, what is it you think that I've won? With me, Marge is a good woman.
With you, Marge is a great woman with two awesome dogs.
I'm not interested in Marge.
- I have a wife and a kid.
- You have a wife? She's in Tokyo, training for the Olympics.
She dances with the ribbons? I don't know what it's called.
So you're not breaking us up? No.
I mean, I'll miss her on the other end of the bucksaw, and I'll really miss that $80 grand prize money, but she's welcome to come up here and train any time.
I am so grateful.
I want to do something for you.
If you'd like another kid, I am more than happy to offer up my sperm.
That's very kind, but No really, I've always wanted to have a kid with no responsibilities.
All right.
You're in the top three.
It's you, the track star or the Harvard professor.
Oh, I get it.
Instead of sperm, would you like semen? - They're the same thing.
- They are? Uh-oh.
Oh, it still feels weird.
I don't know what to say to her.
(WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY) I never would've thought of that.
Honey, would you like to come home? Aw.
Okay.
Your daddy loves you, sweetie.
He wants to make sure you're always a strong, confident little lady.
So I went out and got you this.
Mwah.
(BUZZES) Aw, her baby head fell out.
You'll be getting a visit from the Head Fairy.
I walked out of the forest Before we said goodbye The birds were all a-singing As she pointed to the sky She said, "Can't you see the rainbow? They made it just for you" She handed me her toolbox Said, "Now you know what to do" Vroom, vroom, pull the cord Buzz, buzz, just one more Roar, roar, what a thrill With Lumberjill Vroom, vroom, pull the cord Buzz, buzz, just one more Roar, roar, what a thrill With Lumberjill.