The Simpsons s31e07 Episode Script

Livin La Pura Vida

1 Thanks for hosting.
How was the sleepover? They each had a 5-Hour Energy drink and a jar of Nutella and then watched Russian dashcam videos all night.
Vodit' znachit ubivat'! Listen, Marge.
Every year, Kirk and I rent a luxury villa in Costa Rica and invite a few select families to join us.
(chuckles) Maybe you've heard about it? MARGE: I've always dreamed of being invited on this trip, and now it's about to happen.
Play it cool, Marge, like only you can.
Let me see.
Um (smacking lips) Costa Rica Nope, nope.
(popping lips) Sorry, it's news to me.
We were wondering, would your family be interested in joining us? When would you need an answer by? Oh, the sooner the better.
(tires screeching) MARGE: Costa Rica! Costa Rica! Time to rock and MARGE: Costa Rica! Whee! MARGE (chanting): Costa Rica! Costa Rica! Costa Rica! - (tires screech) - Costa Rica.
Family meeting! Right now! (woozy groaning) Mwah! The Van Houtens invited us on their super-exclusive multi-family vacation to Costa Rica! We'll stay in a luxury villa right on the beach Whoo-hoo! near pristine rain forests, home to five percent of the species on Earth Biodiversity! in a land where it's normal for kids to carry machetes.
Legalize it! And you can chew on the guidebook.
I've always dreamed of being the kind of family that other families would be willing to do things with.
BART AND LISA (chanting): Costa Rica! - Costa Rica! - Airport food court! - Airport food court! - Costa Rica! Whoa.
Now, that's a tympanic membrane that just won't quit.
HOMER: Whoa.
This trip's gonna cost how much? MARGE: I know it's expensive, but we spend our whole lives worrying about money.
That's because we don't have that much.
We have a mortgage, a reverse mortgage.
I think the house is owned by the car.
Life is about experiences.
Look at this photo the Hibberts posted from last year's trip.
Now look at my feed.
Yeah.
Oh, boy.
I want a photo of you and me by that waterfall.
The hope of going on this trip is the only reason I've allowed Bart to stay friends with Milhouse.
Now I understand everything.
MARGE: Homie, I know it's a stretch, but if Kirk and Luann can afford it Yeah.
He can't earn that much.
His job is moving the Topless Maids van so they don't get parking tickets.
Let's have one damn fling and hope everything will be okay.
You know what? You are right.
I am sick of being the responsible one in this marriage.
Let's live life.
Remember, we can never be poor as long as we have each other.
(both sigh) (groaning): Oh yes, we can.
You know, what if we stayed home and just did puzzles of Costa Rica? I mean, this trip sounds really expensive.
- No, not really.
- What? No! You just let the grown-ups worry about grown-up things, okay? (chuckles) Your mom and dad have our financial future all under control.
(tires squeal) Ooh! Free ticket! The rich get richer! (groans) Ah, the multi-family vacation.
Let's see who we've got.
The Van Houtens, of course.
The Hibberts.
Superintendent Chalmers and his daughter.
I can't believe my father is tearing us apart for a whole week.
Sweetie, it's a very long flight.
Why don't you save your phone battery.
All you care about is batteries! You've never been in love.
Your mother and I had a very (sighs) Never mind.
Yep, not one person here I'd mind spending an extended period of time with.
I didn't have time to wax, so I'll do it on the plane.
(Homer gasps) What the hell is that doing here? Well, Lou the cop and his sister were gonna go, but a billboard fell on him and her wind chime store burned down.
So I suggested Patty and her new girlfriend.
You deliberately hid this from me until it was too late to back out.
- Yes.
- Don't try to deny it.
(Patty and Evelyn moan) Patty's new relationship really has to work out, because the dating apps won't take her anymore.
All I ask is that you're nice to them.
Evelyn, this is my husband Homer.
A very polite hello to you, madam.
Well, well, Homer Simpson.
I've heard so much about you.
Surely you have, but in my defense, urinating on a privately owned merry-go-round is not public urination.
Hmm.
(all gasp) MARGE (gasps): Ooh.
Okay, who wants Miguelitos? Now, I should warn the newbies These will seem very authentic to you.
Mmm.
This stuff is pura vida in a glass.
What's pura vida? (chuckling) Oh (continues chuckling) Uh, it means "pure life.
" Kind of a state of mind down here.
Very chill.
Like what you think of as chill but, like, a million times chiller.
Homie, I think I'm having an experience.
Every time a fruit meets a booze, a magic vacation is born.
- (cash register dings) - (Lisa groans) Mmm.
(groaning): Oh Well, you can try.
(laughter) Oh, boy, I didn't know that.
- Hmm? - Hmm? (laughter) So true.
- EVELYN: Hmm - HOMER: Hmm.
Rodrigo, Rodrigo, mi hermano, put the bill on this.
(chuckles) Nothing is less pura vida than check-splitting.
On this trip I pay for everything up front Food, the villa rental, cloud forest murder mystery And I keep track of 'em right here.
Then we settle up at the end.
ANNOUNCER: Smokey Blandings is putting on a cornhole clinic tonight.
ANNOUNCER 2: And this is where fatigue really sets in, Jim.
When you're tossing that fourth beanbag, your muscles are screaming, son.
- Booyah! - Good heavenly days! Hmm? You also follow the pro cornhole tour? Sure do.
I used to play on my daddy's farm.
We'd toss bags all day, even when it was hotter than a two-dollar pistol.
Ooh, ooh.
That is hot.
Do you always speak in such colorful Southern-isms? (laughs) Does a mama possum skip church on Sundays? Hmm.
I bet she does.
(laughs) Homer, put your phone away.
Evelyn, please.
(both chuckle) Evelyn, you don't want to go shopping with us? It's a vacation, sugar bear.
We should be lying on the beach like a lost flip-flop.
(chuckles) But, darling, there's nothing to do at the beach except drink.
You know what? Why don't you two take in the sights while I chaperone your Southern señorita to the beach? Well, my, my, what an elegant solution.
Well, I guess this way everyone's happy.
(Marge and Patty grumble) (Evelyn chuckles) Tonight's dinner is amazing, folks: line-caught mahi mahi.
The local fishermen pass the lines down from father to son, so, boy, you can taste the heritage.
(monkeys screeching) KIRK: Dios mío! Eh, what? Oh.
Hey, guys.
We met these awesome monkeys on the beach, and we said they could crash here in exchange for them being hilarious.
(laughs) Sweetie, you did not tell me your brother-in-law was such a fun guy.
You two should be so happy.
Your husband and your girlfriend are amigos! (Marge and Patty grumble) (gasps) Who's that with you, Jimbo? Is that Stacy? Oh, my God.
Jimbo is cheating on me! Wha? Okay, makeup kit, selfie stick.
(gasps) Oh, God, where's the selfie stick charger? Honey, relax.
The waterfall picture's going to be fine.
Fine? If this photo is just "fine," we're getting a divorce.
- (whimpers) - Okay, okay, that crossed the line, but this is a once-in-a-lifetime trip and our only shot at a perfect moment.
I get it you're mad about my awesome monkey party.
But you wanted me to be nice to Patty's girlfriend, and guess what.
She's cool.
Just what you need, another drinking buddy.
Just promise me you'll behave for the rest of the trip.
Okay, okay.
I will stay far away from Patty's fun Southern girlfriend.
Or as she would say, "further away than a fat-cheeked boy from a porch full of grannies.
" (giggles) Run, fat boy, run! (grunting) (anxious panting) Why are you freaking out? Shouldn't you be in the jungle kissing a boa constrictor or something? This trip is so expensive, and Mom and Dad don't care, so I'm practicing sleeping in a car for when we lose the house and have to sleep in our car! Well, Milhouse's dad writes down how much money everyone owes in that book, so all we have to do is snag it, then show Mom and Dad the numbers.
Yes! That'll snap 'em out of their financial insanity.
You up for a little breaking and entering? Break into a grown-up's bedroom? Whoa, big move.
Okay, we'll do it when everyone's on the hike.
But how do we get rid of Milhouse? Not a problem.
Milhouse already ditched me for Dr.
Hibbert's kid.
His "vacation friend.
" Hey, JJ, do you still like Legos? - Uh not really.
- Me neither.
Lego sucks! (grunts) Hey, JJ, why don't we put on a play for the grown-ups tonight? Ooh, sweetie, look, a "Flowers of Costa Rica" scavenger hunt.
I wonder how many we can find together? Just braid, Daddy! I need to look super hot to win back Jimbo's heart.
(sighs) Darling, you're experiencing so many emotions for the first time.
And that's very healthy, but He strayed because of you! Hey, JJ, one time my friend got a temporary tattoo but told his dad it was real.
Okay, let's steal that ledger.
What's that thing? Grappling hook made of Patty's underwire bra and Dad's bathing suit drawstring.
Will it reach? (grunts) (clicks) This is so weird, being in another grown-up's bedroom.
Boy, you're telling me.
He doesn't even work out.
Uh, I don't want to learn anything else about this family.
It's too late.
(both shuddering) All right, bottled water break.
I can drink from the stream.
After all these years, my gut biome is simpatico with the local bacteria.
Ugh! Oh, God, there's something moving inside me! Oh, look out! Oh, look out! Look out, I said look out! Look out! Oh, God, no simpatico! No simpatico! Hey, Homer.
You want a hit off this? Oh, Evelyn.
You and I both love secret day drinking, but I promised Marge I'd have a bad time the rest of this vacation.
I hear exactly what you're saying.
Mm-hmm? Mmm.
- (gasps) - Did you find the ledger? No, but take a look at this.
These are stone spheres made by the extinct Diquis people of Costa Rica.
No one knows what they were for, but they're priceless artifacts.
So what is Milhouse's loser dad doing with them? - (lock clicks) - (both gasp) (Kirk groans) Oh, I'm sorry, Kirk's tum-tum.
(groans) Daddy drank some ick-ick.
(Kirk groans) Oh, the rumblies are coming.
The rumblies are coming! - They're here! - (Bart grunts) (Kirk groans) If we get this photo right, this multi-family vacation will be worth every penny.
(Homer giggles) You're so cute when you're super controlling.
- (Marge sniffs) - (phone camera clicks) You've been drinking.
(slurring): Well, maybe Evelyn added a little Southern charm to my water.
That woman! She brings out the worst in you! Look! MARGE: Oh, my God.
It's perfect.
You look good, and I look better.
Post it.
Post it.
EVELYN: Homer! Buddy, hi.
Watch me do a Savannah Polecat Flip.
(whoops, grunts) No! Come back, camera fish! (grunting) Oh! (grunts) (Homer groaning frantically) (Patty growls) All I wanted was for my friends to be jealous of me.
I hope you're happy now that that bald gorilla has dragged my girlfriend down to his pathetic level.
(snoring) Patricia Maleficent Bouvier, I've put up with you criticizing my husband for years, and I've had it.
Evelyn got Homer drunk.
Evelyn ruined my dream photo.
She's the bad influence.
That's ridiculous.
She may be Southern, she may be a woman, but you're dating a Homer.
(Evelyn and Homer snoring) Oh, no.
Mom, look what I found in the Van Houtens' room! They are smuggling these artifacts home to sell! (all gasping) That's how they can afford this vacation.
But we can't.
And we're gonna have to live in our car, and the seats in our car are sticky, even though they're cloth! (sobbing): You're you're so gross.
It's so gross.
Salt and pepper.
These souvenirs were supposed to be our end-of-multi-family-vacation gift to you all.
Way to spoil the surprise.
Not very pura vida.
Not very pura vida at all.
(Lisa and Marge grunt) Stacy and I are finished.
Shauna Chalmers, will you marry me? Oh, my God! Jimbo proposed! We are getting freaking married! (chattering) Oh, you guys are slinking off early.
Don't you want to come ziplining and ruin the trip some more? Well, I would like to agree with my wife that it's better we leave.
I'll give you the final bill now so we can settle up.
No discount for leaving early either.
(laughs) I may be mucho pura vida, but, uh, I'm not a sucker.
Lisa was right.
We really couldn't afford this trip.
(breathing loudly) (whoops) Ooh, that's a big number.
(guttural panting) (groans) How's Patty? I haven't seen her.
I don't know what happened.
She broke up with me.
Yeesh.
I know you feel bad, Mom, but the lady is a Homer.
BOTH: Mmm.
Oh, all that money, and we didn't even get the picture.
(gasps) Look at this.
Mr.
Van Houten even charged us for those salt and pepper shakers.
He said those were a gift.
And he didn't even give them to us.
Then we're not leaving without them.
- (Homer grunts) - (Bart yells) (thud) (all gasping) Oh, so that explains it.
HOMER: Gotcha.
Can't you let us even zipline in peace? Look what we found hidden in your bedroom.
This is a portrait of explorer Kirkedemious Van Houten, who settled this area for a Dutch cracker-trading company, and he built this house, which your family still owns.
You're charging us thousands of dollars in rent for a house you get for free.
The Van Houtens are cheating all of us, so we pay for their vacation.
- I'm stunned.
- I'm shocked.
I'm Shauna.
I'm just as surprised as any of you.
Oh, what?! Come on! This scam was her idea.
And this year she even charged you more so we could pay for our "intimacy coach.
" I mean, how many things can you do with a feather? Ooh.
Oh, easy, guys, easy.
Everyone try to remain pura vida.
Huh? I'm gonna pura vida my foot in your ass if you don't give me back my money.
He's zipping away! Stop him before he endorses those checks! So, you and Evelyn broke up? I thought you really liked her.
I did, but now all I see is Homer, thanks to you.
Patty! Come back! I can't! Because I'm on a zipline Ooh.
(grunts) Patty, I'm sorry I upset you, but Evelyn is your Homer, and no one else will ever understand why you love her, except for you.
But there's one huge difference between them.
(grunts) (Marge grunting) I'm listening.
Evelyn loves you, and Homer hates you more than anything in the world.
Even more than he hates Selma? He feels sorry for Selma, because she has to live with you.
Hold on, Evelyn! I'm coming! Go ahead, take your money.
Take away a man's only source of income.
No, it's real classy.
We just got a free vacation.
LISA, MARGE AND BART: Hooray! Now let's charter a helicopter back to the waterfall to get your mom's precious picture.
(groans) No, no, no.
It's okay.
Vacations aren't about the perfect photo.
It's about being in the moment and living your vida.
Mwah! (both exclaiming happily) They're as cute as two bugs in a rug.
Aw.
(laughs) Honey, I just want you to know that Jimbo Jones is a fine young man, and I'm very happy for you two to be married.
- Truly.
- Yeah Jimbo's parents freaked out and canceled the wedding.
Whatever.
I'm glad somebody's setting limits.
You know, pumpkin, I'm doing my best.
Do you understand that? That as a single father, it's not always so easy to balance guidance with respect for your Yeah CHALMERS: Yeah, now we're connecting, huh? Why can't we just leave? 'Cause we have to clean up before Uncle Pete gets here, or we'll lose our week next year.
- (monkeys hooting) - (screams) Hey, hey, this stuff is expensive! ¿Comprende? (grunts) - Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
- (hooting) No, amigos, no, no.
No, pura vida! Pura vida! Oh, no! No bueno!