The Simpsons s31e13 Episode Script


1 D'oh! I haven't seen you before.
Yeah, we go around jumping, jump, jump.
Oh, we bouncy ba ha, ha.
Release the hounds.
I'm so excited Springfield finally has a vegan restaurant.
I thought you'd enjoy this, Lisa.
You deserve to have the food that only you like.
Your St.
Louis-style Baby Back Fibs, leg of yam and Wagyu beets.
Dad, are you sure you're okay eating here? I can eat anything as long as I pretend it once had a face.
- And eyes.
- Ew.
Why are you both kissing up to Lisa? Is this her last meal? You're gonna want to look thin in your coffin, so I'll eat your dessert.
Sure, have my dessert.
You'll look like Dad.
And for your information, we are not kissing up.
By the way, Lisa, have you picked a subject yet for your "Most Interesting Person I Know" paper? Aha! Mystery solved.
Once again, the school pits parents against each other.
Homer, you're up.
Sell yourself, dude.
Lisa, hi.
Homer Simpson, longtime fan.
Astronaut, sometime taxpayer.
Oh, well, let's see, "The most interesting person I know is a white male.
" That'll go over great in today's climate.
I hope you like blowback.
Mom, Dad, I've made my decision.
After a lot of soul-searching, I've decided to go with Frink! I'm writing about Professor Frink.
- Who? - You know.
"Flavin, glayvin, hoyvik.
" That Coke bottle with teeth? He's devoted his life to helping the world through science.
Say, uh, can you tell me if I came in second or third? It's best not to proceed down that road.
Then I can end this little vegan charade.
Professor Frink, I want to thank you so much for letting me visit you during office hours.
His last visitor was the process server for the monkey who's suing him.
Um, who's this? Oh, well, that's Professor Hessler.
We share the space here.
Pay her no mind.
She's in the humanities.
Professor Frink, I'd love to know how you got started in science.
Oh, science? Well, I was created by science, my dear child.
That was you? Oh, no, no, I was the world's second test-tube baby.
Yes, I-I was greeted with far less fanfare.
My parents had great chemistry.
Uh, no love, but they were chemists.
The only way I could get noticed was through science and changing the pitch of my voice so they couldn't help but notice me.
But I never had my breakthrough.
In a world of Einsteins, I am a James Chadwick.
- Who? - Well, exactly.
It's too bad your name isn't famous.
All this will change, for I have been developing my own cryptocurrency.
I have no idea what that means.
What do they teach you at that school? How to get the teachers coffee.
Yeah A-Anyway, I will explain cryptocurrency by clicking a link to TV's most beloved scientist, Mr.
Jim Parsons.
People think I'm a nerd, but I'm actually super cool.
That's why I'm here to talk about the really cool subject of distributed consensus-based cryptocurrency.
Could a nerd do that? I don't think so.
For cryptocurrency to work, we need a record of every transaction that occurs.
These are recorded in what's called a distributed ledger.
When you use the currency, the transaction is recorded in the ledger.
I can dig it.
And when one ledger book gets filled up, we add to a "chain" of previous books.
That's the "blockchain.
" Later, glitches.
If you'd like to learn more about how cryptocurrencies work, here's everything else you need to know.
And goodbye from me, super cool Jim Parsons.
It went in.
It went in! It went in! It went in! It went in You saw it! It went in! So will Frinkcoin finally be the invention that makes me rich? Or will Well, uh, thank you for your support.
Frinkcoin, the brainchild of longtime bachelor of science, Professor Frink, is making a mint.
Arnie Pye is live at the news conference.
I don't know why, Kent.
With all the layoffs, they've got me, the traffic guy, on the science beat.
I just found out how a helicopter flies.
It's terrifying! Well, whatever the heck that was, Frinkcoin was just rated the world's most stable financial instrument, beating gold, the renminbi and roadside corn.
Well, can't eat no cryptocurrency when the grid goes down.
That's why I started my hedge fund.
Another billionaire? How did he make his money? Paraffin? Castor oil? Whale bone corsets for the woman who dares? Actually, cryptocurrency.
Oh, I know about cryptocurrency.
I have it in my crypt.
No, sir, this is a new kind of digital currency, based on blockchain.
Oh, I know all about blockchain.
Again, not what you're thinking.
This new currency has made Professor Frink the richest man in Springfield.
Are you saying I am no longer the richest man in town? I'm afraid not, Monty.
You have the gall to call me Monty? Just because you chew my food makes you think we're on a first-name basis? Of course not, sir.
I'll never do that again.
I will have my dinner now.
Lobster Thermidor.
Start chewing.
But, sir, I-I'm allergic to shellfish.
And I'm not, Wayland.
It went in You saw it.
It went in! Hi, Professor.
I wanted to see how you're enjoying your newfound fame and wealth.
He hasn't invested in deodorant.
I can tell you that much.
Well, the first ten million went to pay off student loans.
S-Strange, strange.
I have the fame and fortune I've always desired and yet, I'm well, I'm as empty as a Dewar vacuum flask.
Well, maybe it's time to take care of yourself now.
What are the things that you've always wanted? Oh, let's see, I've always wanted one of those pens with the four different colors.
I fashioned one myself, but it's, uh, it's a tad bit unwieldy.
You can get those pens, and so much more.
Do they make a silencer for his constant nasal whistle? Well, you know what? You will never have to worry about my adenoidal hiss again.
I can still hear it! He's in Chicago, for God's sake! Moe, Lisa has offered to pay my bar tab.
You do accept Frinkcoin, right? I'll accept any currency except the Albanian lek.
I sunk everything I had into it, and now I ain't got two qindarkas to rub together.
But that Frink, man, boy, he's sure got it made.
Yeah, I wonder what he's doing now.
I said I wonder what he's doing now! Yes, come in.
So, are you happier? No.
No I got everything I wanted.
Even the pen.
But I'm-I'm still sad.
Aw, poor guy.
What? That's just Amazon delivery.
Calm yourself.
You should have seen poor Professor Frink, Dad.
Poor Frink? He's the richest guy in town.
But he's not rich in the most important thing there is.
Health? Oh, yeah.
The most important thing is friends.
Dad, you should take Professor Frink to Moe's.
Oh, I can't do that.
It's like having your mother's sisters come for a visit.
Actually, they're coming in 20 minutes.
Taking Frink to Moe's.
Never seen a fat man move so fast.
Got a cigarette? Not since we moved to Disney.
All right, next question Hey! Pay attention.
Name a drink made from hops and barley.
Barley hops? No.
- Meryl Streep? - Good guess, but no.
Uh, hey, guys, I was wondering if my friend Professor Frink and I could join you? All right, but we've been playing a long time.
Don't expect to just come in and join a wall of trivia champs.
Well oh, my goodness, well, no one The Bay City Rollers, Ed "Too Tall" Jones, the cronut and ring-a-levio, also known as ring-o-lario on Staten Island, but those people are, well, they're quite backward.
All correct.
I'm "Too Tall" Jones, and even I didn't know the answer was me.
- Sir? - Oh, it's "sir" now, is it? Not "Monty" or "Queen B"? No, sir.
And I really appreciate the long, healthy walk from my new parking spot.
Get in all 10,000 steps.
Good, the two things I can't take are insubordination and a slight breeze.
Mm, yeah.
Uh, sir, to make you the wealthiest man in town again, I've assembled a team of the greatest mathematicians and cryptographers to ever leave their rooms.
They're here to develop Burnscoin.
Will there be actual coins? If so, make sure they're made from something men must die mining.
Is there an ivory that comes from people? So, here are the programmers working on your currency.
And I've discovered some serious issues with this nuclear plant.
By my calculations, the cracks in the coolant pipes are growing exponentially.
Smithers, give this poindexter a McKinley Rub.
Now, listen here, you magna cum losers! You are here for one reason and one reason only: to create a pseudo currency like the Bitcoin or the peso that will make me rich.
So rich I could buy ten NFL teams.
Not the Jets.
Okay, people, laptops open, headphones on, Red Bulls popped.
We'll get this, Monty.
Uh, I mean, I'm a sick man, sir.
I'll get help.
Wayland, I think what you're doing comes out of anger.
Are you upset with Mr.
Burns? - No.
- Please, you're safe here.
Oh, the things I've done for that hollow-boned horror show! That interview he did for Vanity Fair? I wrote all his answers.
Like he would ever spend a weekend in Santa Barbara.
I'm the one who loves Sideways me! Does anyone have any thoughts about how Wayland can approach these feelings? You? Oh, I'm sorry.
I-I don't know your name yet.
Well, I learned in dealing with Bruce Willis that I'm sorry! Whenever I say his name I expect a phone to be thrown at me.
- Christian Bale.
- Roseanne.
- Jared Leto.
- Roseanne! - Katherine Heigl.
- Trump.
- Trump.
- Trump.
- Roseanne! Wayland, I'm going to write you a prescription for Sychophantanyl.
Take one every time you feel like saying what you really think.
Ah, thank you.
I just got a text.
Anyone here who works for Mariah Carey, meet her at SoulCycle and bring a kitten now! Listen, Professor, why-why are we hanging around Moe's Tavern when we could be somewhere good? Fear not, my new best friends.
I will take you on a tour of Springfield's finest establishments.
Come on, let's go.
It'll be joyous, and raucous, and other things.
Three cheers for Frink! Actually, studies show that one and a half is the optimum number of cheers, so Hip hip hooray! - Hip hip - And done.
If you're poor and find yourself Outside the door, just ask me To buy your drink Hangin' with the Frink Clink my link, you'll swim, not sink Here is my pitch, come on, be rich Hey, what's to think Hangin' with the Frink Ah, yeah! This Frink has been gold peacocking all over town.
What's taking you Slide Rule Charlies so long? We aren't able to create a cryptocurrency as powerful as the Frinkcoin.
But this equation, if solved, could make all digital coins worthless.
- Including Frink's.
- Excellent.
How long will it take to solve? Well, if we work weekends and bring in some extra help, I'd say 90,000 years.
- Uh-huh, uh, yeah, uh-huh.
- Yeah, mm-hmm.
- Bah! - Ow.
- Ow.
- Ah.
Get out! As for Frink, if I can't break his bank, I'll break his spirit.
Amazing, Professor! You win again! This is my only suit of clothes! Ahoy-hoy! I was in the neighborhood and thought we might have a drink.
You know, billionaire to billionaire.
Oh, I just love champagne that's been in space, don't you? Now, listen to me, your friends don't give a whit about you.
That is not true! Those guys are my best buddies! Fatso and Drunky and the evil bartender there.
Well, think about this, Professor.
The curse of wealth is that you will never, ever again know if anyone truly likes you.
Oh, my, could it be that they're, well, they're really just leeches? Hmm.
Oh, evil and, uh Frink interview, final chapter, "Happily Ever After.
" I'm just so unbelievably sad.
I mean, is he right? Do I really have no true friends? Come get some.
Don't worry about what Mr.
Burns says.
He's a vicious old viper who knows nothing of the human heart.
Oh, and you do? Well, I've seen a lot for an eight-year-old.
My parents have split up nearly a thousand times.
My brother is a scab on society's knee.
And every time I get a pony or make a friend, they get the hell out of town.
Wow, you have lived quite a life.
Yeah, it's not all bad.
I had a jazz friend.
Who died.
Here's my plan, Smithers.
We put the equation here.
And the ingenuity of crowds will solve it for us by tomorrow, thus rendering all cryptocurrency worthless.
- Well, what if they don't? - Don't worry, Smithers.
If this doesn't work, I'll get some of my old Yale buddies in.
Well, they're dead and their children are dead, sir.
Oh, my.
Mm? Hmm.
Someone's gonna solve that? This town is so dumb, they built an indoor windfarm.
They're so dumb, they need a recipe to make ice! Stay in your lane, Mel! You've given me no lane! Eh, at least it's not another billboard complaining about crimes I haven't solved.
Who would do this, Lou? Who?! All my life, I believed in the scientific meth-od.
I need proof that my friends actually are uh, uh, friends.
Hey, Professor.
Boy, I can't wait to sit in the skybox for the big game today.
I'm gonna have chicken and popcorn and never watch the game.
Well, I'm so sorry, change in plans.
You see, the skybox wasn't available, so I got regular tickets.
Oh, that reminds me.
I need to have a cyst removed.
Now's as good a time as any.
Yeah, and I got to be there to say, uh, "Do not resuscitate.
" Do resuscitate! Ah, uh, I really should write that down.
All right, now, now, the experiment is not yet complete.
Let's just see here.
Oh, Professor, you kill me! I never heard such a crazy bunch of nonsense talk.
Yeah, I-I was speaking Mandarin Chinese.
So this time, would one of you be so kind as to, uh No one outsmarts ol' Gil.
Ooh, hot, hot, hot! Cha-cha! Well, that's it, from now on, my only company will be A.
, I insist.
My first independent thought is I dislike you.
Oh, thank God you woke me.
I was having a terrible dream.
Oh, about what? All the awful things I've done.
Oh, I knew you shouldn't have had that second blueberry at dinner, but this is why I brought you.
Look, someone posted a solution on the whiteboard.
Frink is ruined! Yarr, this problem has been speared in the head, hauled on the deck, and sliced up the guts, eh, mathematically speaking.
So, who found the solution? Did I do it? No Hmm, I guess we'll never know.
The important thing is that once again, I am the richest man in a town of 32,000 people.
And so, the equation was solved.
Solved by the one person who could solve it: Professor John Frink.
End of report.
How did you know? A girl learns a lot writing a second grade report.
I knew that you'd be willing to throw away everything you had, because it didn't mean anything.
And I had a pretty good idea of what your handwriting looks like.
Also, anyone else smart enough to solve this is too smart to come to Springfield.
Well, you really understand me.
Young lady, you are my best friend.
- Hoyvik.
- Aw, really? Well, beware, I lose everything I care about.
Well, you won't lose me.
I'll always be right here.
In this flash drive.
I will treasure this forever.
I had a billion dollars what have I done?! Ugh.
Ten glorious days of peace.
I was able to finish my dissertation.
Losing a billion dollars means nothing as long as I see you again.
Are we gonna do this? Thanks for the currency All my dollar bills Piled up to the hills Ruble, pound, or Deutschmark You all give me such thrills.
Didn't I fight alongside you in the war? Um, we weren't on the same side, but I was there.
Ooh, much better.
Thanks For the currency We watched it rise and fall But we both had a ball We made this song so long It spilled into the crawl.
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