The Simpsons s31e14 Episode Script

Bart the Bad Guy

Now that I, Chinnos, finally wield the Doomsday App, I can restart this planet in flames, as a utopia.
I don't know, Chinnos.
You say "utopia," but what I'm hearing is "kill everyone.
" And I really don't want to find a new dry cleaner.
Your funny-but-not-too-funny banter will not save you, Magnesium Man.
Yeah, but it did distract you, didn't it, Dad Bod? Take him, Airshot! Yes, Airshot, pump that air gun! Five pumps? Think of the pressure.
Aw, what's the matter? Bad head day? It's time I took the Vindicators out of the equation.
I'll take that dance now.
Their first kiss was their last.
Huh? Wow.
It was called Crystal War because they were all turned to crystals.
Hey, now is not the time for your cold-hearted analysis.
The sequel isn't coming out for a year.
What loving God would make us wait that long? A year? That's, like, a million years.
I cannot wait.
Don't you leave me, you be-cape-ed gob-smashers! Children, I pulled you out of your classes today to warn you of a dangerous new Internet trend.
The paprika challenge? The eight ball challenge? No, the highly-imitatable stunt I'm referring to is the "flag yourself" challenge.
Instead of a merely verbal warning, it's clear to me a more effective deterrent would be to show you a video of the stunt performed by YouTube star Reaction Guy.
Whoa, Reaction Guy? Everybody who's anybody gets reacted to by him.
Watch and learn to not do this.
What up, Reaction Faction? It's your boy, Reaction Guy.
Today I'm gonna be reacting to the Flag Yourself Challenge.
Shout-out to my crew, Hedgehog, Thin Mint, and White Malik.
They're gonna raise me like a flag.
Whoa-ho! Whoa, this is so clench! Wow, cool! Ooh, ooh! Hey, guys, this is Bart Simpson from my new channel, Reaction Bart.
Big shout-out to my boy White Seymour for putting me onto the Flag Yourself Challenge.
So clench! Okay, hit it.
Check it out.
I'm waving at my haters and they don't even know it.
Clench! Clench! Whoa-ho-ho! Buy my merch.
Merch to come.
Merch! Whoa.
His obliques must be shredded.
I got to check them out next time we go swimming.
Whoa! Oh, ooh, ow, ooh.
Milhouse, no! I need your passcode to upload the video.
Yo, Milhouse, I got you a balloon form the gift shop.
- - Oh.
- - So what'd the doctors say? I have a full-body sprain.
Most of my muscles are wrapped around the wrong bones.
Okay, champ, physical therapy time.
Who's ready for four hours of stretch bands? No, not the purple.
Glucose? Don't mind if I do-cose.
Okay, mate, you can do this.
It's hard, but those little buggers are counting on you.
Do it for the buggers.
Top of the bing-bong, ladies.
- You're Glen Tangier.
- You're Airshot.
Good on you, Nightingales.
Now, who can point me towards, uh, "Milhouse Van Houten"? Ooh, right down the hall and to the left, Glen.
Flirt much, Debby? Sorry, we can't all be married to Ogdenville's car detailing king Duke Druthers.
What's up, little bro? How's my favorite real-life superhero? Holy crap, you're Glen Tangier.
Uh-uh-uh, never heard of him.
The name's Airshot.
You're my favorite Vindicator.
You don't even have any powers, you're just super good at air.
Uh, easy now.
Don't get too excited, Milhouse.
Oh, I'm not I am Milhouse.
That's right.
Calm down, hero.
Don't make whatever you have worse.
Is it something that gets worse? Please don't say it gets worse.
Oh, don't worry, Airshot, I'm okay.
Well, aren't you just Pimm to the brim with Adelaide spunk? Oh, thank boomerang Jesus you're not one of those brave little buggers that I have to show this to.
Wait, what do you got in there? Oh, it's a laptop with the sequel to the Vindicators: Crystal garbage.
All that matters is you're gonna be okay, mate.
Never wanted to be an actor anyway, just a simple koala butcher like me old man.
Yo, Airshot.
- - Hello.
Sweet boomerang Jeebus.
What an ending.
People are gonna freak out when they see it in a month from now.
Till then, I'm the only one that knows what happens.
Only I know.
I'm the most powerful kid in the world.
Toss that Kanga shank into the billy-boil.
It'll be tender by moon jump.
Yo, Fat Thor, I've seen Vindicators: Crystal War 2.
- You blaspheme! - My buddy Airshot showed it to me.
I repeat, ha.
As if Glen Tangier, the Tasmanian Adonis, would deign to interact with someone of your insignificance.
Whoa! You are defeated, Vindicator.
Not as long as I'm still breathing.
Sweet batarang Jesus.
Tell me more.
The first taste was free, the next is gonna cost you.
I've had my eye on that Dr.
3 A.
graphic novel.
Okay, strap yourself in.
The way it goes down is But pause.
The knowledge you offer would spoil the movie event of the year.
Nay, century.
Nay, epoch.
Nay, summer.
Tell me nothing.
Ah, but my curiosity consumes me.
All right, here's the deal, the movie starts on the logo Silence! Speak! Speak not.
Expound! I pass the test.
I will diminish and remain Comic Book Guy.
Ooh, shrimp.
What would you give me not to find out what happens? Be gone, Spoiler Boy.
Hm, Spoiler Boy.
I like that.
That's the kid who saw Vindicators: Crystal War 2: Resurgence.
Do what he says or he'll spoil the ending.
I must protect my virgin ears.
I think you can do better than that.
Four chicken lumpettes per person.
Even if that person knows which Vindicator loses a third of their powers fighting Karate Scorpion? Zip it.
My boyfriend's taking me to see that movie when it gets to the two-dollar theater.
Simpson, you're getting one day of detention for every extra lumpette you eat.
Detention, is it? I guess we'll have plenty of time to discuss the fate of your favorite Vindicator, Black Voodoo.
The champion of the French Quarter.
You wouldn't dare spoil the only thing that brings me joy in this world.
Give me your toupee.
Toupee? I don't wear a toupee.
We fade in on Bourbon Street Ooh! Principal Skinner.
T-To what do we owe the honor, sir, at Oh, it's just you.
Hey, how'd you get all this stuff? 'Cause people do whatever I say or I spoil the Vindicators movie for them.
Like so: tell Mom it's okay for me to have soda on my cereal.
I don't know.
Mom's not gonna go for that.
Get ready to hear the surprise ending.
Let me guess.
The good guys win.
- Who told you? - You can't spoil that movie for me, because I don't care what happens.
You see, as a grown-up, I know that muscle jerks in tights with magic powers punching and hugging each other is boring BS for babies.
So go ahead, tell me what Captain Doodad does to Zippity Whoever.
Because it means nothing.
My powers don't work on you.
But what if I could make them work for you? Hmm.
Your sinister tone intrigues me.
All-you-can-drink beers on me! Yeah! But paid for by Moe.
All right, I'm not even gonna dignify that with a "Whaaa?" Do the thing, boy.
No, no, don't ruin it, kid! I'm taking my girlfriend to that movie when it gets to the two-dollar theater.
What time did you get home last night? Ugh, it's not my fault.
Bart used his superpower to get me drunker than I've ever beer.
I'm worried that all this blackmail is turning Bart into a bad person.
What's the story, morning glories? Young man, I don't like the way you're using those spoilies to boss people around.
What? I was given an amazing power, so I'm using it.
If you were in my suitcase, you would do the same thing.
Fans have a deep connection to the Marble Cinematic Universe.
I would never exploit that, not for anything.
Oh wouldn't you? Lisa Simpson, I think your superpower must be stealing hearts.
Aw How do you feel about exploitation now? It's okay.
How much longer do I have to keep up this kookaburra charade? How badly do you not want your bosses at Marble Studios to know that I used your drunken thumb to see that movie? You think I'm your jolly swagman, do you? Well, my jumbuck's gonna be free from your tucker bag next Thursday, when that movie goes wide on every screen in creation.
And after that, you're nothing.
Let's get this party finished! He's right.
I'm running out of time.
This is endgame! And so, today, we celebrate the 200th birthday of our beloved oak tree, Old Susie.
Her stately branches have shaded our town's weddings, family reunions, and quincen quincien uh, Mexican bar mitzvahs.
We're, uh, ow! Cover you ears! It's Spoiler Boy! That's right.
It's me.
And if you don't want the movie spoiled, you'll all pull together and build me the ultimate tree house of my own design.
Right here in Old Susie.
Not in Old Susie! Everyone in this town loves that tree! We have no choice.
He's got us all by the short and curlies.
Unless the boy should meet with an unfortunate accident.
And if anything suspicious should happen to me, I've hired the loudest man in town to yell the ending on every street corner.
I'm on it! You have 24 hours to build my tree house.
The clock is ticking.
Hey, buddy.
You're out of the hospital.
Don't you "Hey, buddy" me.
You stole my visit from Airshot.
You you villain! Me, a villain? No way.
You just blackmailed the whole town to build you a lair.
I will grant you the optics on the lair are less than ideal.
You have actual powers which you use for evil.
You're a supervillain! You dare call me a supervillain? Then get a load of this: the biggest spoiler in the whole movie! Magnesium Man! Don't say another word! The fate of our universe depends on it.
Where the hell am I? Relax there, Spoiler Boy.
All we did was take you from your dimension into ours.
You know, the Marble universe? What you consider to be movies make up our reality.
No way.
Superheroes aren't real.
How dumb do you think I am? Actual superpowers! Everything you see in your Vindicator movies actually happens to us.
Even the post-credit sequences? - Mm.
- We brought you here to see the result of your selfish actions.
Whoa! Airshot! Dead? But in the movie he lives.
Wh-what happened? You happened! You son of a swamp witch! You showed your Comic Book Guy a spoiler of Airshot using his breath to save himself.
The powers of evil in our dimension saw this and, so warned, taped Airshot's mouth shut.
And killed him.
I didn't know! I never dreamed that spoilers really hurt people.
But they do.
Spoilers kill! I love you, Airshot! The virtual reality's working.
The kid has no idea that this has all been fake.
I can't believe he didn't notice that the dimensional portal in his backyard was just a garbage bag full of glow sticks.
Tell me we're doing the right thing.
Tell me this is Bart's best chance to choose to be a good person.
Don't worry, Marge.
No one's ever been hurt by a little gaslighting.
Remember how you always say that? Remember? Mm-hmm.
Oh, don't think of it as gaslighting.
Think of it as an ultra-enhanced, immersive fan experience.
All this, just to keep spoilers from leaking.
Vindicators, colon, Crystal War, colon, Resurgence bombing at the box office would have devastating consequences.
Failing theme parks, unsold Halloween costumes rotting on the docks, mass suicides by popcorn farmers; anything worse than a 55% hold on its second weekend, the global economy collapses like a house of cards.
Is that what you want, little girl? Is it? No.
Bart clearly feels bad.
Can't we let him out now? No.
We have to be absolutely sure.
Increasing simulation intensity.
Bring me the boy.
Ahh! Remember, kid, no spoilers! Our universe depends on it! And don't pirate movies.
That hurts everyone.
So, the boy who's seen how all this ends.
Tell me what you know, so I can use it to destroy the Vindicators.
In return, I will grant your deepest desire: actual superpowers.
Muscles claws bike! Real powers.
That's even better than spoiler powers.
Oh, no.
Our son is going to choose evil.
Oh, no! Our son is so stupid he's going to fall for this! It doesn't matter that's it not real.
Bart's soul is at stake.
Great emotion.
Talk about upping the ante.
Tell me the spoilers, child.
And embrace your destiny as a villain.
All right.
I'll tell you what you have to do to win.
- No! - Uh-uh, kid.
Eat my shorts.
No! Our son's a good guy! A good guy.
But he's still stupid.
So stupid The kid turned down actual superpowers.
I think he'll keep his mouth shut.
We'll let him live.
For now.
Uh I'm back.
I just hope it's not too late.
What day is it? Why, it's the Wednesday before Memorial Day, it is.
Then there's still time.
The movie hasn't been spoiled.
Don't worry, son.
Your secret I forgot is safe with me.
I saved their universe.
I'm not a villain.
I'm a superhero.
- When can we tell him? - Never.
All right.
No one's gonna talk.
The movie's safe.
We'll let them live.
For now.
I'm not a bad guy.
I'm a good guy.
I'll never spoil anything again.
I'm a changed boy.
A changed boy.
I always knew you had the stuff of heroes.
Just tell me, does Moby Man take his place as the rightful sovereign of Fishtonia? Does he? Bart! Tell me! Stop your labors, good folk.
Magnesium Man bless us, every one.
And Bart was as good as his word.
He kept his mouth shut.
So when everyone finally saw the movie on opening day, they were filled with joy.
Then immediately got on their phones and spoiled it for everyone else.
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