The Simpsons s33e14 Episode Script

You Won't Believe What This Episode is About - Act Three Will Shock You!

1 Come on, come on, come on.
Pick up the pace.
Here you go.
Mm Mmm.
Hurry up! It's almost here.
Mm? Yippee! My industrial-grade steam vacuum.
The same model they use to clean grisly crime scenes and sticky champagne rooms.
Okay, ma'am, I have you down for a three-hour rental starting now.
Everybody, out, out, out, out, out! Me and the floors deserve to savor every minute of our special spa day.
And take the dog.
Now it's my time to make these stains "herstory.
" Ugh, are you quoting their actual slogan? I'm quoting my wildest dreams.
- Dog park, dog park, dog park! - Whee! Whee! Whee! Trampoline park, trampoline park, trampoline park! Aw, don't leave me alone in that giant dirt toilet with all those lonely dog-obsessed weirdos.
Well, what could go wrong with all those doctors around? - Hey, Homer.
- What are you doing here? Once it became clear that human companionship was a non-starter, I adopted this handsome little mister, Devin.
He loves it here.
The training books say it's important to keep your dog socialized.
It's not a book park.
And now that you're here, I have somebody I can talk dogs with.
So, where'd you get your dog? Uh, I think he came with the house? Look at us, dog-talking.
We'll meet here every morning at 7:00 and have our own club.
The Dog Dad Boyz.
I'll reach out to logo designers.
Oh, God, somebody get me out of this.
Aah! Dev-Dev! Control your psycho, maniac.
Bad dog dad.
Membership in the Dog Dad Boyz revoked.
Oh, you saved me from the worst kind of human a dog lover.
I love you, dog.
Let's go get you a reward.
Okay, wait here for two minutes while I get your treat.
I'm gonna open the windows halfway and leave the AC running.
What ice cream flavor will make my dog feel like the most cherished creature in the entire universe? Hey, check it out.
Some jerk left their dog in the car.
With the windows rolled up, no less.
- Who does that? - Monster.
Obviously, no chocolate, but he does love peanut butter.
Rum raisin is a no, for any species.
What kind of lunatic thinks this is okay? Some people are just born broken.
Puppy spoiler, coming through.
Hey, what am I missing? A churlish individual saw fit to desert their dog in a hideous sedan.
Wait, it's not what it looks like.
I just left my dog in my car on purpose.
Whoa, how could you, man? And on a scorcher like today? What? It's not a Aah! Come on boy, help me out.
Get the keys.
Get the keys.
You expect him to work under these conditions? No, wait.
I think Marge hid a key under the car somewhere.
The dog-cooking wuss is trying to hide.
Grab his legs! Leave me alone.
I'm good with dogs.
He locked the Dalmatian in the firetruck.
Oh! Gotta be kidding me! Okay, everyone.
The dog's fine.
Why don't you all just get a life.
No wonder his dog is such a psycho.
He's probably a bad parent, too.
How dare you? Dad, you forgot to pick us up.
Glad that's over, aren't we, boy? Uh, I'm not so sure.
Oh yes.
This must be how Catholics feel after confession.
Now, to post some before-and-after shots so the neighbors can eat their dirty carpet hearts out.
- - Hmm? No.
No No! Okay, so far, the neighborhood rage is contained to just dog lovers.
Oh, no.
It's spread to the cat people.
Oh, now it's the horse crazies.
Those horse crazies don't mess around.
Homer, you have to apologize for yesterday.
What? Why? The dog and I are cool.
Look, we know you didn't mean to do anything wrong.
But sometimes you just need to accept responsibility so people will move on.
So, I drafted you a heartfelt apology.
That's so sweet, honey.
But trust me, it'll blow over.
When God gave man dominion over all the beasts of the Earth, that was not permission for one man to abandon a dog in a hot Plymouth.
Okay, I get it.
Everybody's mad at me.
Dad, nip this in the bud and use my apology.
I'm Homer Simpson, and I'm truly sorry.
Tsk, tsk, tsk! Sorry if you pee-pee babies were offended by something that was no big deal and everything's fine.
So what's the issue? Amazing job, you really got his voice down.
Okay, Homer, I think you've made your point.
I'm sorry that you don't have enough things to get mad at.
I'm sorry that you all have skin thinner than gas station toilet paper.
And I'm sorry that your lives are so boring that you take a man who left his rescue dog for two minutes to buy him organic ice cream from a woman-owned local business, and you crucify him! Ahh! Ow, my dog's eye! Mm-mm.
My fellow Springfielders, here at Burns Industries, we release the hounds on all forms of disrespect, and to tolerance we say, "excellent.
" As such, we have terminated association with Homer J.
Simpson, as his actions do not represent the values of Evil Corps.
Moving forward, we plan to sit back, tent our fingers, and listen.
Well, Homer, on the plus side, this has made people forget - you almost killed the dog.
- Oh Yes, this is the residence of the guy who pushed a pastor out of a church window.
And would you classify that as a death threat or merely an act of extreme violence? Thank you for your rage.
- Hm.
- Oh, Lovejoy's fine.
But I lost my job and now that trolls put my photos and phone number on the Internet, I also lost my anonon-nim-ninim-ninity.
There's also a bunch of TikToks of people lip-syncing to what you said, because that's what comedy is now.
I'm sorry that you all have skin thinner than gas station toilet paper.
Oh, I've never been so viciously lampooned.
I hate this horrible new world.
What I need now is the comfort of fast food and slow friends.
Three weeks later.
Shrimp? Who you calling shrimp? It's prawn time, baby, at Dead Lobster's Annual Prawn-a-thon! Grab your bib for crispy popcorn prawn, wood-grilled prawn skewers sizzling prawn scampi, and parmesan-breaded prawns casino served over ice cold lump prawn.
All washed down with a tropical Tiki Passion Prawn-tini.
Guys! It's Prawn-a-thon time.
Guys! They wouldn't go without me, would they? Oh my God, everybody, shut up.
It's the pastor-pusher.
Well, I never.
Why am I always meeting people who never? Mm.
Hey, "strangers," enjoying your entrées of embarrassment about being related to me? Don't take it personally.
We need to be able to do some normal family things without being publicly shamed.
We just want a little anon-mini-nanom-nini-ninity.
But Prawn-a-thon? That's our special thon.
I'm so upset I might not ever be able to get my prawn on again.
That has got to be the saddest thing ever said in a chain seafood restaurant.
It's not too late, Homer.
I'm here to help you.
Help me? Is this some kind of prank, like when those YouTubers chased me with real machetes? Wow.
And no.
I have created a refuge where people like you can find redemption.
I run an institute.
We call it The Institute.
And it might just be your last chance at rehabilitating your reputation.
Wait, wait, are you saying you can steam clean, if you will, my husband's reputational carpet, if you will? I am, and I will.
And I will.
The Institute is his only hope.
Well, my reputation is everything to me.
That doesn't jibe with your past behavior.
I'm tired of reputations being about past behavior.
I'll do it.
Keep it safe.
Here at the Institute, we break our rehabilitants up according to the severity of their mistakes.
- - Uh-huh.
- - That makes sense.
- - Interesting.
We don't take any Halloween mishaps more recent than that because, at a certain point, you should know better.
Homer, meet your team.
Just like you, they all went stupid viral in a bad way.
First up, Helen Lovejoy, aka "Lemonade Karen.
" Let me see your permit.
Where did you steal these lemons from? I don't think you're even from this neighborhood.
Siri, call 911.
Councilman Jed Hawk, aka "The Toilet Rocker," who always forgets to turn off his camera and hit mute.
She was a fast machine She kept her motor clean American thighs Oh, no.
Larry Doogan, aka "Pissed-O-Shorty.
" He throws tantrums in public.
A lot.
Oh sure, the club's at capacity as soon as the short guy shows up.
I get it, and I'm pissed-o! Oh, so you don't have any blueberry muffins left for the short man? I'm pissed-o! I do realize you only agreed to spend the rest of your life with me because I'm short, and it's pissing-me-o! Kirk Van Houten, aka "Juice Box Dad.
" Come on, Coach Loser, don't you want to win? Take my son out of the game! Oh, yeah, I shared that.
Juice Box Dad.
Wait, how am I supposed to revive my reputation associating with these scum? Watch who you're calling short.
Whoa, somebody's pissed-o.
Siri, call 911.
Look, everyone, let's just calm down.
Or what? You'll push us out a stained glass window? Hey! That was just a careless accident born out of rage.
Are we sure we have the right people for this team? They're awful.
Which is why they're perfect for this mission.
Here at the Institute, we believe good works overcome bad days.
So, to fix your reputations, your team will be doing public acts of charity.
When we post them online, they will make your transgressions a distant memory.
Work together? Sorry, I don't exactly play well with others.
Okay, then we'll spend the day doing a bunch of team-building improv exercises.
Good deeds! Good deeds! I'm a fool to do your dirty work Oh, yeah - - I don't wanna do Your dirty work - No more - I'm a fool to do your dirty work - Oh, yeah.
- I can feel my reputation being restored with each carefully-staged good deed.
Look, it's the people the Internet told us to hate.
They still hate us.
The plan isn't working.
What do we do now? Call 911? Unfortunately, that was the only way to get you your lives back.
Well, there is one other way.
No, we can't.
- What? - No, it's too radical.
Ah, but it's the only thing that's 100% guaranteed to work.
Hmm, yeah, it does sound pretty radical.
Thanks for being honest about that.
Well, sometimes the only way to get results is through radical action.
Sorry, we took a vote.
It's too radical.
Wh I didn't even tell you what it is yet.
When you said "radical," you said enough.
Bye forever.
Look, I thought that by calling it radical, you'd be more likely to want to do it.
Like you'd be intrigued or something.
Intrigued, eh? You are all here at The Institute because of the humiliation you faced after the world saw you on your worst day.
But, what if you could delete all that from every computer, every phone, every meme, and even every personal hard drive on Earth? But that's impossible.
You'd have to invent something to do that.
Funny you say that.
I did invent something to do that.
A universal eradication code that can completely scrub any image or video from the entire Internet.
Scrub us.
You scrub us right now! Oh, I would, but first I need to upload the code into the one server powerful enough to reach every corner of the World Wide Web.
You mean the company that puts those annoying clickbait-y headlines on the bottom of every website? Yes, they're everywhere.
No platform has greater reach.
But to upload the scrub code into their servers, I need you to break in to the ChumNet headquarters.
Break in? That sounds dangerous.
It is, Helen.
That was the radical part I mentioned earlier, that didn't seem to land with any of you.
Radical, eh? Yeah, we don't have anything to lose.
So, we're kind of like a suicide squad.
You're exactly kind of like a suicide squad.
What do you say? I think we can pull this-o.
I say we do it.
We need to fight for each other, because we're a family.
A family I don't want or need.
I miss my actual family, so let's do this.
But if we're going on a commando mission, don't we need some sort of training? Don't you see? You've already had some sort of training.
I'm a fool to do your dirty work - - Oh, yeah - I don't wanna do your dirty work - No more - - I'm a fool to do your dirty work.
We're in.
Okay, just stay focused until you find the ChumNet server room.
What about all the people in there? There are no people.
Just clickbait.
So whatever you do, don't stop to click on anything.
Who falls for this garbage anyway? Wait, what does she look like now? "80 NFL players who live in bad houses.
Number six will shock you.
" Well, we'll see about that.
"One simple trick to add years to your height.
" Whoa, these headlines are so tempting.
No! We have to remember our goal.
Erasing our shame and returning to our pre-pariah lives.
Oh, no.
They're all trapped in endless slow-loading slideshows.
These houses suck.
Sucks, sucks, sucks.
Number six.
Homer, get them out now! I just wanted to know which vegetable gut doctors are begging me to throw out.
It's radishes.
I could have told you it was radishes! Find the server room, Homer, you'll be safe there.
This is prawn-demonium! Ooh.
Okay, straight ahead is the access port.
Mm Insert the flash drive.
Once the scrub code is fully uploaded, everything will be erased, and you will return to a life of anon-min-mity.
Anon-min, Amoni-mity.
It's "anonymity.
" Preparing global Internet scrub for the following individuals.
There we are.
Wait, who are they? I recognize these people.
They're really terrible.
That guy raised the price of insulin for fun.
I think that guy was just president, and those are his kids.
And, oh, my God, that's the football coach that does all the cheating! Yes, Homer.
All evidence of their misdeeds will be erased too.
But that's different.
Those people did actual bad stuff.
Wow, lot of Russian generals.
Upload at 60%.
Jeebus crackers.
So the only way to save myself is to erase the crimes of history's current monsters? Oh, wise up, Homer.
Who do you think funded this entire operation? Scrubbing these villains is what The Institute was always really about.
What do I do? Wait, I never had a handkerchief.
Oh, this is the apology Lisa wrote for me.
The upload's nearly complete.
I can think of almost nothing at the last minute that will stop us now.
"It is with my family's support that I will strive to do the right thing.
" I will strive to do the right thing! Homer, listen, you don't know what my investors are capable of doing to people who don't help them cover up what they're capable of doing.
You don't know what I'm capable of doing.
Yoinking this doodad out of the computer hole.
Internet scrub cancelled.
Idiot! You ruined it! No, my daughter ruined it by writing the most genuine and inspirational apology ever.
You should hear it.
I'm Homer Simpson, and I'm truly sorry.
Sorry, yet also grateful for this opportunity In the annals of time, there have only been five truly great public apologies.
But on that day, the words Lisa wrote, and Homer somehow read to everyone in the world, put those others to shame.
It was deeply soul-searching and 100% effective.
Homer was forgiven by all and beloved forever.
You failed us.
We're gonna do to you what we did to democracy: irreparable damage.
The plan was too radical.
Too radical! No, no, no! Radical Radical! And because of all of you, from here forward, I will be the best Homer Simpson I can be.
There you have it a reminder that we could all be a little more understanding of one another's humanity.
Up next, dumb idiot has heart attack on treadmill.
Another plate of shrimp.
It's prawns.
I should have listened to you all along.
Well, mostly, you just shouldn't have left the dog in the car.
Yeah, agree to disagree.
But he and I have an arrangement.
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