The Simpsons s33e15 Episode Script

Bart the Cool Kid

1 Huh? So dope.
Slammin' kicks.
Is that kid wearing Slipremes? He totally is.
These are my first tie-shoes.
You're wearing the new Slipreme Caliphates? How did a chum-wad like you get a pair? My daddy took my cat to the cat doctor, and when Daddy came home, my cat had turned into these shoes.
So Ralph got weird sneakers Who cares? Uh, no one except everyone.
Those aren't just sneakers.
They're Slipremes.
That's Orion Hughes' skatewear company.
He's huge on TikTok.
Got to say, today was crazy.
You all know my dad, international superstar Darius Hughes.
Well, I just laid down the hook for his new movie, Duplicate Cop 2: Copy Cop.
One cop that you just can't stop And my skatewear brand, Slipreme, is about to drop a new shoe, the sequel to the Caliphate One.
The Caliphate Two.
Limited release available only this Friday.
And Saturday, we explode the pop-up factory that makes them.
Go! Go! Go, Orion! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go, popcorn! Go! Go! Go, popcorn! No! No! No kernels! No! No! No kernels! Hey, that's my favorite show.
You guys have to buy me these sneakers.
They're all anyone cares about at school.
And if I don't have them, I'm nobody.
Well, you're somebody in this house.
Come on, don't lie to the boy.
I've never wanted a piece of clothing before in my entire life.
Dad, with this one act, you can erase ten years of second-rate parenting.
I'd think about that, Homie.
It's a pretty good offer.
Mm? You must really want those pants or videogame.
Son, your father will deliver.
Of course Orion Hughes' new store would be in Springfield's former packing peanuts district.
This street is so cool.
Art galleries, beard-only barbershops, and a weird store that only sells a single action figure.
How do they survive? Hmm? Oh, look at this line.
Can't even see those guys.
I'm gonna be stuck here all day with the nose ring brigade.
In that case, I'm gonna check out this Hasidic surfwear shop.
Okay, Homer, you can do this You waited in line overnight for Krusty's new fried chicken sandwich.
And it was the best decision of your life.
I will get Bart those shoes.
Whoa! Whoa! Dad, you got 'em.
I waited through rain, through sun, through the death of my phone battery from watching super-cuts of boating accident videos, all to see the joy on your face.
I love you, Dad.
I finally love you.
And bought love is the best kind of love.
- Wow! - I'm so pumped! I'm also pumped! Here come the sneakers! Shh, shh.
Whoa! Whoa, I got to see those babies in action.
Hmm? These shoes are made from used Band-Aids and North Korean newspapers? My dad waited in line all day for these shoes, and they're crap.
I'm gonna go to that store and get his money back.
"Dear Leader Announces Wheat Quotas Exceeded Yet Again.
" Ooh, a text.
Returning the shoes? But then he'll find out what really happened.
So hot, no shade.
Maybe this guy will let me sit under his flat-brimmed baseball hat? Mm Mm.
Homer J.
The line-standing legend himself.
Hey! Mike Wegman! How's it clangin'? Where's your food truck? Somebody pushed it off a bridge, but don't worry, I had a good reason, and now I got an even better business.
Selling those limited-edition sneakers.
You want a pair? Oh, my God, my kid's begging for these.
How much do I owe you? You owe me? How much do the pilgrims owe the Statue of Liberty? How much does hot dog owe a mustard? For you, these are on the house.
Oh, thank you so much.
Don't worry about it, these aren't real Slipremes anyway.
What? They're fake? Oh, but I promised my son the real ones.
Who, Bart, huh? That bed-wetting nobody? He won't be able to tell the difference.
Kids today aren't like you and me.
They're dumb because of phones or whatever.
Hmm, and I do like getting away with things.
That's winner talk there.
Hey, which of you freak shows wants to do business? I like your dumb hat.
Mm? Mmm! I got to stop Bart from returning those fake sneakers.
"No no no no no!" Thanks, Dad, it is on.
Bart Simpson here, about to clown some fools who sold me some crappy sneakers.
These shoes are trash.
I want my money back.
Uh, real Caliphate Twos aren't made from garbage.
They're vegan leather made from upcycled recycling bins.
Wait, what? These are fakes.
You're trying to return bootleg sneakers.
You can't record me I'm recording you.
What up, Shauna Nation? As always, I'm Shauna.
Look at this idiot, trying to return a knock-off.
Link in my bio to win free edible eyeshadow.
They're not fake.
My Dad waited in line for these shoes and spent a lot of money.
And Homer Simpson would never lie to his son just to get out of standing in li Oh, my God, he bought me fake shoes.
Bart, don't return the shoes! This is just a dream.
Wake up, Bart.
Wake up.
How could you? I will never be more embarrassed than I am right now.
We have underpants.
You've ruined me! Please like and subscribe.
Stupid Homer.
Turned me into a GIF.
Oh, man.
You're even a dance.
It's called the "Pants Kid Shimmy.
" It's everywhere! Pants Kid Shimmy Pants Kid Shimmy Pants Kid Shimmy Shimmy, shimmy.
So fun! Son, I got you this apology card.
The duck, you know, on the front, he thinks what I did was "quackers," and maybe he's right.
Don't ever talk to me again! What was I thinking, trusting you to help me look cool? You're the least cool person who ever lived.
But that includes Urkel.
You're bald.
You own a bowling ball.
You own truck nuts but no truck.
You've seen Tim Allen's standup multiple times.
You still have a CD tower.
And each one your three kids is embarrassed by you in a different way.
You were born uncool and every day for four decades, you've gotten less cool.
I know I'm not exactly Stefan Urquelle, but didn't you ever think your old man was a little cool? Never.
Not one bit.
I'm sorry to bother you.
I'm looking for Bart Simpson.
Orion Hughes! I found your critically-maligned book of poetry to be weirdly moving.
Yeah, I thought poetry would be hard, but it wasn't.
I know you.
You're the voice of the urban squid from the live-action Finding Nemo.
Bart, I wanted to apologize for the way my employees shamed you.
You heard about that? Ooh, I saw that dance on Ellen today.
You didn't know the shoes were fake.
To make up for your global humiliation, I brought your family some free Slipreme skatewear.
Whoa, new skateboards! Grab a board, show me what you got.
Uh, I'd love to, of course.
But the thing is, I have a deal with Slim Jim.
I can't skate unless I'm holding a Dr.
Pepper Salami Twister.
Come on, just ollie off the curb.
Ollie? Oh, yeah, that's the move where you throw it, right? Ollie! You own a skatewear company and you don't know how to skate? Please don't tell anyone.
Hey, dude, no worries.
You know what? I can teach you to skate.
But what if I'm not instantly amazing at it? I've heard that can happen.
Okay, feet on the board, bend your knees, find your center See? You're doing it! I'm doing it.
I-I'm authentic.
No one's ever been this real.
Don't fall down! What's "falling down"? That's-that's my blood.
I've never seen it before.
So cool.
Let's go again.
Can you pass the guacamole, #GuacAttack? #NewChipsOnTheGuac? You're hashtagging a lot lately.
So Bart called you uncool, big deal.
Chasing after coolness is futile, because the definition is both arbitrary and constantly changing.
Mm, still want to be it.
With hard shell tacos, you've got to bite them from the bottom, like this.
Why?! Why do I keep buying hard shells? I hate them! Uh, I'm going to Moe's.
At least put on a clean shirt.
Check it out I'm selling premium Wagyu-style steaks.
The 72-month subscription plan it comes with a genuine landline phone.
I'm too depressed to figure out what you're saying.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
That's a Slipreme hoodie.
And that ain't even a knock-off like these donkey steaks.
I got to post this.
Whoa, someone posted a picture of me, and it it's not for falling down an escalator or yelling at a parking meter.
Which means I must be Cool.
Yes, you are now cool.
I've been liked.
Someone enjoyed looking at me.
Finally, I know how it feels to be stylish.
To be loved for my appearance instead of judged for my actions.
This is why people own more than one outfit.
Thank you, Mike Wegman! 540 flip straight onto your ear.
Legendary! Am I still slurring my's words? Uh, it's-it's barely noticeable.
Having a movie star dad, I don't really get to hang out with regular kids.
With you I can relax, you know, without having to redefine our generation's notion of relaxation.
I guess I envy you.
Isn't that something rich people say to poor people so that they feel less guilty about being rich? Yes, but for the first time, I mean it.
You helped me bleed.
Maybe I can help you.
What if we design a new sneaker together? A sneaker that all my friends will buy? No, a sneaker that all your friends will want to buy, but can't, because we won't make enough of them.
That's even better.
Huh? What the hell are you wearing? I know what it is a hobo was murdered at a rave, and Homer's going undercover to find the killer.
Nah, nah, nah, he drove a motorcycle through the clothesline of a bi-curious farmer.
I was once like you.
Wearing clothes I bought at the gas station or found at the beach.
But I've learned something When you wear crazy clothes you don't understand, you're not you anymore.
You're someone better.
Oh, my God.
I'm beautiful.
Well, look at me I'm a real Hep Cat.
And not just because I got Hep C, A and T.
Which, I-I do got those.
We must tell all middle-aged men that they need not grow old.
Where do the graying masses gather to worship? I'm so sophisticated To get a verse from me, you gotta be initiated To get a purse from me, she gotta be sophisticated Purchase a whip from me and never miss a single payment You wanna be the hottest but that can get complicated.
Bart, together we'll design a sneaker that'll change sneaker culture forever.
Which, in this business, is one week.
The Bartman One.
My life has mattered.
Yeah, and it comes with a sticker in the box.
The release party is Saturday night.
It's gonna be perfect.
The right music, the right influencers, and every single person there will be young, cool and beautiful.
Excuse me, do you have this in a large? You're buying that for yourself? But old people don't know about my clothes.
Unless Oh, no.
They're here.
The middle-aged.
The uncool! This is a nightmare.
My brand's been discovered by dads.
I'm wearing this to da club.
Da bridge club.
It's like Ed Hardy all over again.
Who the heck is Ed Hardy? Ed Hardy was a California tattoo artist whose unique designs were the epitome of cool.
But then, one terrible day, a newly-divorced dad wanted to seem younger on his dating profile.
He bought a sleeveless tee in XXL and then posted the picture.
Young people saw old people wearing the brand, and weeks later, a $700 million empire was sold for scrap.
Stupid old losers.
Slipreme's gonna die.
What do I do?! I don't know, but we can think of something.
We're two of the coolest kids in the world, right? So cool.
You've even got your own sneaker.
That's cool, isn't it? I don't even know anymore.
Hey, Bart, thank your old man for introducing me to the look of the street.
Wait, Homer's the reason you're all wearing these clothes? You know it.
If my dad started this, maybe he can stop it.
Yes, can I pay for this paisley tracksuit with airline miles? Ooh.
Drop the selfie stick now.
What about my Lookbook? Stop dressing your zombie friends up in the clothes of the living.
Never! Before I discovered streetwear, people like my son treated me like a dried-up old husk.
Well, you know what I am now? A wet husk.
Full of juicy corn.
Mmm, corn, Bart.
You hear me? Mmm, corn.
Orion and I made something amazing together, and you're ruining it.
Too bad.
'Cause we're all going to your sneaker release party.
Just because they RSVP'd, doesn't mean they're actually coming.
My generation shows up to things.
This is horrible.
My Dad told all his loser friends about this party.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Aah! It's my dad.
Act like everything's fine.
Son, I've never seen your aura looking less indigo.
Are you okay? Nothing-nothing's wrong.
I'm crushing it.
I got this on lock.
On lock.
Your words have convinced me.
The washed-up dads are gonna be here soon.
I read about it in The Old-Timers Gazette: Facebook.
I can't handle this.
And my therapist is pitching his sitcom today.
Which I'm producing.
You said if I ever needed you, you'd come.
No matter what.
This is that call.
Want me to grab you some mini carrots and hummus? Yes.
Listen up, people.
For the first time in your horrible lives, you are not the lamest losers in the world.
So if any young person asks you what you do, say, "Virtual marketing for a CBD massage oil startup.
" Now everyone take two precautionary Advil and let's live forever! Homer, stop it! Dads, halt.
Let my shorty speak.
Homer, this isn't who you are.
You're right it's better than who I am.
This is the man I married.
You call all deli meats baloney.
You carry clippers on your key chain so you can cut your nails in line at the post office.
You spent your stimulus check on funny bumper stickers about what you spent your stimulus check on.
And since the day I first saw you moonwalk out of an Arby's, you've been comfortable in your own skin.
Until now.
I look ridiculous! I shouldn't be at a sneaker release party.
I should be at home.
Making microwave popcorn.
My favorite show.
We don't belong here.
Men our age belong in here.
The Museum of Aviation History.
The cross section of a real B-52.
An IMAX movie about the golden age of ballooning.
Audio tour by Gary Sinise.
It worked.
They took the dad-bait.
You did something no old person is remotely capable of.
You changed your mind.
I'm sorry I almost ruined everything for you and your friend.
I have no business wearing skatewear.
I don't even like to ice skate.
I never got a pair of my own shoes, and now they're sold out.
Yo, style freaks.
I got counterfeit Bart Ones.
Genuine knockoffs.
Your dumb friends can't tell the difference unless you wear 'em or you look at 'em close.
Thanks, Dad.
Sometimes you are a little bit cool.
Buy you a chicken sandwich? Dad, tonight was a close call.
This party was almost not a cultural gamechanger.
I hope you're not disappointed in me.
Oh, you can never let me down, because I know exactly how you feel.
Because you're me.
No, Dad.
I'm not you.
And I'll never be you.
You're not hearing what I'm saying.
You're me.
A clone of me.
Like this.
You were created on the set of Duplicate Cop One, which we filmed in a real cloning lab.
I knew I could never love a child as much as I love myself, so I made another me: you.
But how But I But What? Didn't you ever wonder why you don't have a mother? - Kind of.
- Orion, our cosmic connection is infinitely deeper than what a "father" feels for a "son.
" I love you, me.
I love you, too me.

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