The Simpsons s33e16 Episode Script

Pretty Whittle Liar

1 Ah-ha! Tonight on Million Dollar Listing: Springfield.
Fabulous Fa-fabulous Fabulous Fa-fabulous Fabulous Fa-fa-fabulous.
We once again have only one house in this whole town worth a million dollars.
I keep telling you, I don't want to sell.
This area has a great school system and I'm thinking of starting a family.
My children, fight each other to the death for my love.
I'm here in the sculpture garden, and we can't keep the buyers away.
Maybe it's the fresh-baked morphine cookies.
Open concept dungeon, four panic rooms, hot and cold running oxygen.
Good old reality TV.
Snappy editing, no content.
- Homer.
- - Marge.
- What the? I'm hosting book club tonight, and I was thinking, maybe you'd like to go to Moe's until we're done.
You want me to go to Moe's? I do.
How drunk can I get? Stinking or falling down? Uh, how about "sociable"? What I'm hearing is wedding drunk.
Wedding drunk, cash bar.
So, who liked the book? Not me.
It was a farewell to my Saturday.
Hemingway is so clichéd.
This book about Italian ambulance drivers was boring, boring, boring.
There wasn't enough smoking in it for me.
May I speak mah piece? What's your problem, Daisy May? Couldn't make it through the audiobook? Well, ah thinks it's a classic of style that's more than a war story and more than a love story.
With deceptively simple prose as lean and sturdy as a half-ton marlin.
I-I mean my eyes was bewitchefied with all them squiggels and squirms.
Well I-I best git.
I left all my kids with a nanny.
You free Saturday? Then, the hillbilly woman made a comment that was profound and insightful.
She's secretly smart.
Uh, Helen, please do not gossip in church.
Did you hear about Brandine? Well, it would be nice to hear something other than "Let me go, I have a family.
" Well, I tried "you're under arrest," but you just laughed.
We got some nice wigglers.
They pair well with a hook.
Mm, I'll take a box of Napa Valley reds.
Hey, Spuckler.
I just want to warn you.
Your wife isn't the woman you think she is.
Just what does you mean? She's smart.
Jeopardy smart.
Celebrity Jeopardy!? Regular Jeopardy.
Ahh! You do not tell a man he don't know his wife.
That's like telling a man his gun's not loaded.
You let him find that out at the worst possible time.
Well, you should know.
When your wife left the book club, she dropped this.
Liberry has two R's? - Your bait, sir.
- You just keep your worms.
I gots me bigger fish to fry.
Go on, git.
What a senseless waste of worms.
Men receiving credit for women's work in science has been dubbed "The Matilda Effect," with such victims as Lise Meitner, Rosalind Franklin, and Jocelyn Bell Burnell.
How many pumpkin stickers will it take for you to stop? Here, have the whole sheet.
This is really important.
Each of these heroines was nonplussed at their lack of recognition and Sorry, Lisa.
I don't think you're using that word correctly.
Nonplussed? Ha.
I'm pretty sure I am.
It means perplexed.
It does.
As in, "The teacher was nonplussed by the impudence of a student.
" When I grow up, I want to be a big word.
Lisa, you get in the back of the class and keep quiet.
Do I get an "A"? An "A" for "aggravation.
" An A's an A! Cletus, darling, I-I made your favorite.
Sorry, but I'm in no mood for porcu-pie right now.
Brandine, tell me true.
Are you actually smart? Have all your yups just being yeses in disguise? Aw, don't be silly.
Why? The only three R's I know are racoons, Red Bull and the rhythm method.
Please, I needs to know.
Brandine, who is you? Darling, I'm afraid I'm guilty of concealing a significant self-improvement.
Guh-wha? It started a few years back with some books I read that fell off a passing tornado.
It was like entering a universe I never knew existed.
I went to the ballet.
And I completed my self-education at the Springfield Athenaeum.
- The what? - Athenaeum.
- The what? - Museum.
- The what? - Pica-ture palace.
Got it.
Oh, good lordy.
I'm starting to worry there's more layers to you than a skunk and tomater sandwich.
Brandine, I'm sorry.
But I-I can't have a stranger as my woman.
Remember your vow.
You promised to love, honor, and never grow in any way.
Well, you're right about that.
I'll leave now, but I'll be back for most of the children.
That's fair enough.
All right, which ones of y'all want to stay with me? And remember, you go with her you gots to wash your hands.
Whoa, you mean like every week? - Sorry, Ma.
- Can't do it.
Say bye-bye to your mama.
Or would you prefer a "bon voyage"? Cletus Delroy Spuckler, you are lower than a gopher's basement.
Young'uns, turn away if you don't want to see your daddy cry.
We've seen you cry.
But we've never seen you yodel.
All right, then.
Brandine! Are you here for further book club discussions? I'm here because I got nowhere else to go.
I've been rejected by a man who thinks it's funny to light his farts.
- You can light them? - No, Homer, no! Hey, whoa! Wasn't me.
Spuckler? I brought some books you might like.
You're a smart girl, Lisa.
Which means life will be harder than a month-old biscuit.
Oh So, about Cletus, um I just have to ask, sorry.
- What do you see in him? - What do you mean? Don't you think maybe you could've done, um, better? You mean, like you could've done better than Homer? What? What? What? People think I could've done better than Homer? Yes.
I never knew anyone felt that way.
Reality check in aisle five.
Disco Stu needs to buy some glue.
Also, Marge, please get a clue.
I'll tell you how I fell for Cletus.
It was one of those magical nights when the world was young and everything was golden, including his tooth.
We were seated at the same hay bale at my sister's shotgun wedding.
- Um, is this bale six? - It is.
Do you ever look at someone across a crowded pasture and your knees went all weak? Not from rickets or scurvy, but from sheer infatuation? Oh, I ransacked my brain for le mot juste, but all I could find was Derr.
Derr yourself.
In that moment, twenty years of being the middle child in a family of 37 fell away like high-heeled shoes on a wedding night.
Uh, you know, I'm pretty sure we's cousins.
Second? First? Kissing.
You ever driven a tractor before? No, sir.
These blades massage the soil to make it ready for what is sure to follow.
Churn that soil.
Always a-churning.
Until you just plant that seed in there real deep.
You do this with all your dates? Now, if I did, don't you think this field would be plowed? This is just for you, darling.
You're ruining my marijuana! That night, I knew the next shotgun wedding I went to was gonna be mine.
Oh, look who it is, Little Miss Google Noodle.
This isn't fair.
There's four times as many of you.
She's trying to teach us to multiply.
Get her! Yoink.
Hello? What is this? Fight over who beats me up first? Someone's nonplussed.
Correct usage.
Are you a real kid or did the voice in my head come to life? Lisa Simpson, I'd like to modestly ask you to join our League of Extraordinary Geniuses.
A club for smart kids? But I've never noticed any other names on the online honor roll.
And I refresh it hourly.
We hide in the shadows.
Which is scary, so we bring little flashlights.
Eh, just you, Myles.
Ah! To avoid suspicion, we figured out how to be good at sports.
We don't wear our glasses, even though we really need them.
Hold on.
That food is not fit for students.
Starve a landfill, feed a teacher.
So you pretend to be dumb? Absolutely.
To survive.
Like a brightly-colored bug who is actually poison inside.
The Dasymutilla Occidentalis? Don't tell anyone you know that.
If you do, the bullies will pounce on you like an Arilus Cristatus? Arilus Cristatus? Who said that? - Ar - Shh.
Name one more genus and species and you will be silenced.
Engage the Idiot Shield.
Wheel of Fortune's on.
Let's get home.
And that's how I realized wheelchair ramps are bitching skateboard jumps.
Thanks, Americans with Disabilities Act.
I miss my rotten little apples.
Especially the babies: Moderna, AstraZeneca, and the twins, Johnson & Johnson.
Well, I just wanted to say, this is the best possum potpie I ever had.
I know what you're thinking, Lisa.
But if God didn't want us to eat possums, he wouldn't have made them look so delicious.
I'm just thinking about a club I may join at school.
This one recruited me.
Aw, that's wonderful.
And Maggie, how was your day? I feel so bad for Brandine.
Homie, will you go talk to Cletus? For you, baby, anything.
I didn't fix the light switch like you asked me to.
Well, maybe tomorrow? For sure maybe.
Homer, do you think people look at us and say, "Why does she stay with him?" Why does she stay with him? Lord, why does she stay with him? - Oh, yeah! - Why does Mommy stay with Don't tell her you can talk.
I don't think I could've done better, but it seems every other person in town thinks so.
You're not going to listen to everybody, are you? No, I'm not.
Just hang the blanket over the window so I can get to sleep.
We don't have to do that anymore because I fixed the blinds.
Ooh, a shooting star.
That's the water heater.
Cletus, you and Brandine have to get back together.
Broken marriages are contagious.
This is not about if'n or not I love Brandine.
I do! But she refused to tell me who she was.
Does she now think hill folk are a-a joke? Well, some of it's funny.
I mean, that long underwear with the back door for the butt? When it flaps open I mean, come on.
You just follow me.
Aw, sheet.
Brandine didn't just lie to me.
What she done is made a mockery of my forebearers who possibly did include four bears.
I want you to look at me not as a hick, or a bumpkin, but as a human being.
With feelings.
Just like you.
Oh, my God.
You're right.
I don't know how to feel right now.
I'm worried about your marriage.
I'm worried about my marriage.
Homer, no matter how you feel, there's a country song that expresses it perfectly.
No, that's not quite it.
Here we go.
It's like they're singing just to me.
Marge could've done better Yes, she could, yes, she could She regrets the day you met her Yes, she does, yes, she does She just realized you're no good Yes, she did, what took so long? Oh, why is it so catchy? She just realized you're no good Yes, she did, what took so long? - Are you leaving? - I'm going home.
Marriages aren't perfect.
I've even forgiven him for blowing a jug in his sleep.
Well, that's great, because my new friends have given me the same tip.
"Hide your intelligence.
" No, not you.
You're too young.
You have everything ahead of you.
Show 'em how smart you are.
- Really? - A-yup.
You hear that, brain? You're free.
Veni, vidi, vici! Whoa, slow down there, poindexter.
You say you need a change - Don't all the dreams - We've seen come true - Mean anything? - Attention.
I have some announcements regarding the cafeteria menu.
Several items are misspelled.
"Gren beans" should be green beans.
"Tater tats" are tater tots.
"Healthy" should be not healthy.
Also You have to listen.
I'm wearing a necktie.
I am not bemused.
Uh, excuse me, Principal Skinner? Uh, I just wanted to say that I think you meant you are not "amused"? "Bemused" means bewildered.
What is she doing? Revealing her intellect.
Oh, the fool.
This isn't a magnet school.
We don't even own a magnet.
That's because I swallowed it.
Never again will I hide my intelligence.
I am smartacus.
I am smartacus.
Unsurprisingly, I also am smartacus.
I am smartacus.
Well, sort of smartacus.
Well, perfect attendacus.
Sitting downacus.
It's time to squelch this wave of love of learning and show them who's boss.
They are, loser.
I declare half a day.
Still too much.
Okay, no day.
Who wants their lunch money back? Not me.
It's fish stick day.
This is it, Brandine.
Kill your brain.
Take your medicine.
Mama! Oh, hi, kids.
Look at how some of you have grown.
Where's your pap? He's been doing a lot of thinking.
About you and him.
Can't go on like it has.
He said he's going to a govement building to get something so he can start a new life.
I got to stop him.
- It's too late.
- Wha? Signed and sealed.
I got me a liberry card.
Oh, Cletus.
And my first book.
Yeah, man, this looks like a toughie.
We'll get through it together.
- Homie? - Marge, never again will I be the guy about who people say, "Why is she still with him?" I fixed the drapes.
And the light switch.
Oh, nice.
But you'll have to do more than that.
I also cleaned the lint trap in the dryer.
And? Four things? Okay, Marge.
I admit it.
You could do better, but I couldn't.
Every day you give me something awesome to shoot for.
Though I may occasionally fall short, because you are so great, I will never stop trying.
I love you, Marge.
I love you, too.
Finally, just in case I needed it.
I got Elton John back.
And he's here, ready to play for you again.
Oh, Homie.
I never needed that.
You mean I learned 226 songs for nothing? I don't think they'll be needing you guys either.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I want to tell y'all about an American classic that details a wealthy lifestyle far beyond my reckoning.
It's called The Grapes of Wrath.
It's about a middle-American family what drives to California for a better life.
For a much better treatment of this subject, I recommend National Lampoon's Vacation, now available on Hillbilly Plus.
Y'all come back now, you hear? Shh!
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