The Simpsons s33e20 Episode Script

Marge the Meanie

1 Hmm? Mm.
- Don't pick it.
- D'oh! ♪ 498 499 It's time.
♪ It's time.
I'm sorry.
We're going to have to pull the plug.
It's time.
See ya later, vegitaters.
Ha-ha! (GROANING) (RHYTHMIC BEATS) All ears on me! (FEEDBACK SCREECHES) For 37 years, we've played shuffleboard against our crosstown rivals.
The Golden Exits Retirement Farm.
(OTHERS BOOING) Those rich snobs think they're better than us, with their yoga classes, and their aquacise, and their name-brand applesauce.
(GRUNTS) (CHEERING, CLAMORING) But today we show them what we can do! Cloudy eyes! Functioning hearts! OTHERS: Can't lose! (ALERT BUZZING) Aw, they want something.
- - (MUZAK PLAYING) - ♪ - ♪ (EXCLAIMS) No fair.
The other team's got a ringer.
Owner of an '80s car ♪ 200,000 miles ♪ Owner of an '80s car ♪ Got it for graduation.
♪ (CHEERING, CLAMORING) We win! Yet somehow I feel guilty.
That woman won't stop staring at me.
I'm not surprised, Marge.
You are a senior home ten.
(MARGE GRUMBLES) Do I know you? Margie the Meanie? You've caused me enough trouble! (SOBBING): No! Oh Mom, what don't we know about you? Marge Bouvier, you ruined my life! I never want to see you again! - (HORN BLARING) - (BELLS CLANGING) That is my old principal.
Mom, she's treating you like you were a bad kid in school.
But that's impossible.
Unless Well, I not really.
You were a bad kid in school! High five.
And now you're trying to lie about it! - (GASPS) We're the same! - (CAR ALARMS SOUNDING) We're the same! We're the same! We're the same! Oh, I finally have a parent I am proud of.
You must've run into Principal York.
You made her life a living hell.
(SIGHS) It started in middle school.
Middle school.
That's when we were sopranos in the choir.
MARGE: In seventh grade, I had to switch schools.
♪ (ELECTRIC GUITAR SOLO PLAYS) We wear top and bottom eyeliner.
Check out this tattoo.
Is that press-on? Henna.
(GASPS) They were so nasty to me.
Ah! (MARGE SOBBING) SELMA: And then one day, against a checked-out principal, you won them over.
The mean girls are picking on me again.
Well, what do you expect me to do, start some kind of anti-bullying policy? Also no standing during lunch.
(SHOUTS) (ALL GASP) (LAUGHTER) I'll do a lot better with the next person I hire.
He'll be a win-ner! The new girl did that.
It was cool.
ALL: Cool girl! Cool girl! I am a cool girl.
Don't check with my old school.
You pranked the principal? I embarrassed her, but I shouldn't have.
But that didn't stop you from doing it again.
(EXCLAIMS) Oh, my God! We saw the principal's bra.
We've entered (DEEP VOICE): puberty! PATTY: And again.
(GASPS) It's not even grammatical.
Oh, my God, Mom, you're not perfect.
- You're so not perfect.
- Bart, I'm not This is the first hug where you've ever hugged me back.
Hug you back? I started the damn hug.
Language, but aw - (RALPH HUMMING) - (GASPS) Two customers in the shop at once.
Call the fire marshal.
I want to buy a Batman.
Um, not so fast.
Which era? Which artist? Dark Knight or Adam West? (SIGHS) Sometimes I regret not finishing medical school.
I was one credit away.
I want the one where Batman eats lasagna.
That is Garfield, who is not a bat, but a cat.
How can someone with such a big head be so stupid? That is so cruel, picking on that poor Wiggum boy.
Someone should teach him a lesson.
Someone who's not afraid to be a hero to her son.
Do it, Marge.
Prank that guy.
Superman? Uh, for legal reasons, you can call me Uber Hombre.
Once again the lack of clear copyright in my country has screwed me.
My copyright expired.
Would you like to be the Scarlet Pimpernel? No, thank you.
Maybe something should be done.
Why, look, if it isn't Lex Loser.
Stop working the package to see what the middle comic is in the three-pack.
Take your chances like a man.
But I want to see if the middle one is valuable.
The middle comic is never valuable.
It's there to take up space like lettuce on a hamburger, a seat filler at the Emmys, or you.
(SOBBING) ♪ Uh, excuse me, Mr.
Guy? I have more money than you've ever seen in this store.
Yes, sir, and may I offer you a snack? You serve snacks? For valued customers, yes.
Have a mint, or if you prefer, a near mint.
Could I interest you in this very emotional Spider-Man, in which Peter Parker confronts and forgives the spider who bit him? (GASPS) A comic book's arch enemy! Cola! No! Oh, God! Oh! Oh, God! Ah! (GRUNTS) To quote the immortal Shaggy: "Zoinks!" (BOTH LAUGHING) (LAUGHING) (ALL LAUGHING) (BOTH LAUGHING) What's so funny? (GIGGLES) Mom and I (SHUSHES, GIGGLES) did a prank together.
Shh! Sweetie.
Whoa, wait a minute.
So Bart gets his wild side from his mother? That makes no sense.
Boys get stuff from their dads, like their favorite baseball team, mental disorders, and the lame joke they tell every waiter.
Say, Maggie? Why don't you get this one? Ha-ha-ha.
Imagine, a baby paying a check.
Well, maybe Bart's pranking allele is on the maternal chromosome.
(SIGHS) The only part of that I understood was "allele.
" I'm talking Mendelian genetics.
Young lady, we do not discuss that at the dinner table.
Now pass the peas.
How come one quarter are yellow? - (SIGHS) - (BOTH LAUGH) So Bart's not like me, Lisa's not like me.
There will be no evidence I was ever on this earth.
Wait, wait.
Maybe Maggie.
(MARGE HUMMING) (SIGHS) How many times I got to tell you, Homer? No outside peas.
It's just that I realized the kids totally take after Marge.
- Nothing from me.
- Come on, Homer.
There's got to be something you passed on to your kids.
That adorable way you pout? (GRUMBLES) Uh, the way you can burp-sing the national anthem? Great chiming in today, guys.
- Oh, thanks for noticing.
- Appreciate it.
There is something we have in common, Dad.
That we're both made out of beer? No, something deeper.
Dark beer? You'll have to figure it out yourself.
Oh, I hate when foam makes me think.
Hey, you guys have forgotten one thing.
Lisa Simpson.
She is 100% scientific proof that I exist.
To Lisa "What's Her Middle Name" Simpson.
Daddy's little girl.
No clinking? What's wrong? Yeah, well, truth be told, uh, none of us was positive Lisa was really your kid.
She's smart as a whip.
- Wha? - She can control her temper.
- Why, you! - You look exactly like her if she was a big, fat, bald guy, which she's not.
- In the least.
- For your information, I'm gonna find a wonderful bond between myself and my little girl.
And you childless loners are gonna be so jealous.
You losers will never have this! - - Losers! Oh, right, Maggie's in the car.
Shut the damn door! Marge, I see you're buying Slaughterhouse Sweepins brand hot dogs.
It must be so easy to shop when anything's good enough for your family.
(CHUCKLES) Eh? Eh? No.
No more pranking.
Now we've got to buy food before the prices go up.
(MARGE GROANING NERVOUSLY) Timothy and I prefer Opera House Franks.
Maybe you've seen their commercials? Oh, wait, they're only advertised on premium cable channels.
(CHUCKLES) (GRUNTS) ♪ (SCANNER BEEPS, STOPS) I need a price check on a pack - of Gassy Granny Underwear.
- (GASPS) That's not mine.
How did it get in my cart? I also need a price check on a gallon of Sober by Six Day Drinker's Gin, Lady Stinkfoot Insoles, The Marvelous Mrs.
Miser's Week-Old Bread, Barely Helpful Herpes Ointment, FEMA Brand Emergency Toilet Paper and Garbage Mouth Bad Breath Neutralizing Suppositories.
(GASPS) (BOTH LAUGHING) ♪ (GRUNTING) HOMER: (GASPS) Vegetarians like food? Is that pulled pork dripping with cheese? Uh, yes, except instead of cheese, I'm using cashew paste with nutritional yeast and for pork, I'm substituting jackfruit.
No pork? Jackfruit is vegan, abundant, and no plucking, so it's cruelty-free.
Try some.
Hmm, not bad, not bad.
This is it food is our thing.
Well, if you like jackfruit, I know a place you will love.
It's probably not what you're thinking.
D'oh! Please give me the best kombucha you have on tap, and a bottle of your finest liquid aminos.
You got it.
Jicama sticks.
(CRUNCHING) Dad, do you like this food? Oh, sweetie, I love this meal.
I hated that meal.
Oh, thank God I keep an emergency sausage beside the bed.
Ew, what is this? It's a ground-up kickball.
I pranked you.
(LAUGHING) (BART LAUGHING IN DISTANCE) Why, you little! (GRUNTS) Ow! (HOMER LAUGHING) Ow! Ow! Ooh! See, Marge? That's why we shouldn't have books in the house.
Do you think I like doing this pranking? When I'm done laughing, I hate myself.
I'm behaving like a little brat and it's made me a better mother.
But pranking isn't like you, it's like me.
We can't have two of me in this marriage.
One of me is enough for three of us.
But I can't stop, 'cause I've never been closer to Bart.
I've waited for a connection like this for so long.
Longer than the new Avatar movie.
It's coming, Marge.
You've got to have faith.
You sound like James Cameron, Homer.
What if we never see Pandora again? The real unobtanium is the sequel.
Have faith, have faith.
Oh, sorry.
No one's allowed in the store while Mr.
Burns shops for the right chewing gum.
Are you for real? I am.
He doesn't want to, quote, "Catch your poverty.
" Double mint? (SCOFFS) A little too strong for my liking.
My baby has a rash! And it makes her a wiggle monster.
When will you learn that old people are our future? Please! Sorry, I have a medical condition where I don't give a damn.
(DIAL TONE) ♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa! (LAUGHS) He'll just fall into that soft grass over there.
We went too far.
You mean you went too far.
We've never been closer! Marge, you're incredibly lucky Mr.
Burns is okay.
It taught me a lesson, Smithers.
- Life could end at any moment.
- Mm-hmm.
So we have to jam as much evil as possible into each remaining day.
(SQUAWKING) (GULPS) - (GIGGLING) - (SQUAWKING) What are you looking at? Marge, I don't understand.
What made you attack that hateful, nasty, hateful old man? Um, I was taught that a lady should never express or experience emotions.
And I don't, except every couple of decades I snap.
Otherwise I'm just simmering, simmering, simmering, simmering, - simmering, simmering - You must have been such a good little girl.
I don't want to talk anymore today.
Well, it's up to you.
We can do this over 20 costly years, or you can have your breakthrough now.
Oh, people can have instant breakthroughs? Not people with good insurance, but yours is lousy.
(SOBBING) Oh, my God! It's okay.
It's okay.
Therapists almost never give useful advice, but here's what you do: just find your old principal, make your peace, and you'll feel better.
Are you sure? As sure as I am I really don't want to see you again.
Bart, I-I'm sorry.
Pranking is selfish and unkind.
Even if it's hilarious.
I'm done.
Mom, no! I don't know who I am without pranking.
It's in our blood.
Like when you had me, that was a total prank on Dad.
If you give it up, you're giving me up! (SOBBING) ♪ Okay, fine.
I think I have one more prank left in me.
And it's gonna be a real doozy.
I love the way you say cool things in lame ways.
- Mm.
- (BART GRUNTS) This is great.
So great.
I would kill the Easter Bunny for one meatball.
- Now, we shred in some kale.
- Oh, no.
-And Brussels sprouts, tofu, -You're killing me.
-bell peppers, mushrooms, -I'm gagging! Oh! - broccolini, artichokes.
- Don't say oh! - Want some blueberries? - Ew! Yuck! Ooh, sunflower seeds.
You know, if a bag of pig knuckles fell in there, it wouldn't be the end of the world.
Dad, I love you, but I don't want to do this if you're gonna Homer it up.
My name is a verb, meaning "to ruin"? - That is pretty Homer-ed up.
- I'm sorry.
- Just try a sip.
- (SLURPS) What do you think? (LISPING): Soggy and underseasoned.
I'm sorry.
I hate this.
I have no similarities with any of my offspring.
(LISPING): My tongue is swelling, too! Hey! Look at us! Our throats are closing as one.
Want to share an ambulance? Yes.
It turns out you two have many common allergies, including allspice, dust, feathers, fur, the stuff in peanut butter that isn't peanuts, also peanuts, animal dander, Irish Spring the season and the soap and the smell of honeysuckle on a dark Georgia night.
- (MOANS) - What's wrong, Dad? You're such a great kid.
Sorry I passed down all those bad parts.
Dad, you passed down the most important part of yourself.
Your kind heart.
(COUGHS) I'm afraid I'm allergic to treacle.
(HACKING) I'm here to apologize.
Let me guess, there's bees inside.
Please, I just want you to know I'm a good person.
I really am.
Just sniff the flowers, you'll see.
(SNIFFS, SCREAMS) Oh! Meanie! (BOTH LAUGHING) We got you! I've always hated children.
(GASPS) ¡Ay, caramba! You're going to juvie and you're going to women's prison.
And the victim is gonna be buried with deceased members of the Blue Man Group, which there are way more than you'd think.
(LAUGHING): All died in hilarious ways.
Oh, my God, oh, my God! Please be alive.
I'll never prank again.
Never! - (SCREAMS) - We got ya! (BOTH LAUGHING) Uh-oh, Lou.
We have got a zombie situation here.
Aim for the brain.
It's the only way.
Just teaching a lesson to my son.
She was never dead.
She's a zombie lover, Lou! Aim for both their heads.
It's the only way.
They're not zombies, Chief.
And neither were the Wilsons.
Uh, don't mention the Wilsons.
So, Mom, you taught me the dangers of pranking while pulling an awesome prank.
Lesson learned.
Have some peanut brittle.
Mm-hmm, no snakes? I took out the snakes and actually put in peanut brittle.
That's how much I respect you.
Well, you know I love you and I always will.
But enough with the pranking.
Enough with the pranking.
(BOTH GRUNT) (CHUCKLES) (LAUGHS) "Dear Agnes, I'm so sorry "I put laxatives in your dog's food.
"Then secretly filmed it.
"Then sent it to America's Worst Carpet Disasters.
"Then I won.
And used the prize money to buy more laxatives.
Sincerely, Marge.
" (GROANS) Another one done.
(EXHALES) Well, that's the A's.
"Dear Bernice" Shh!
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