The Simpsons s34e01 Episode Script

Habeas Tortoise

So, all in favor
of the city of Springfield
no longer celebrating Columbus Day
due to the problematic behavior
of Christopher Columbus?
All opposed?
Now I'll hand it over to the
terrifyingly engaged citizen
who has had her hand up since
before the meeting began,
Helen Lovejoy.
I've noticed lately that
people have been putting up
quite a few little DIY free libraries
all over town.
What's DIY stand for?
Do it yourself.
I'm trying to but I can't.
Just this past week,
six new ones popped up.
Think about the consequences, people.
Free books?
What if one of them is the Kama Sutra?
That's just bait for learned perverts.
There is no classical
art without the erotic.
- Ew.
- You and me got to hang sometime.
I like those little libraries.
Unlike the public school library,
these have books written after 1945.
The children think Iceland
is still a kingdom.
Oh, these abominations
don't follow the rules
of my neighborhood association.
What if someone paints it an
unauthorized shade of white?
Like Swiss coffee.
Homer Simpson here.
Today I'm standing,
even in the presence of a chair,
to say what if we took
all the little free book huts
and moved them into one big building
open to everybody?
Do you mean like a library?
- He's so slow.
- Nothing upstairs.
- Aw, what a dummy.
- Idiota.
Am I really a stupid man?
I Well, uh
Sorry, reflections can't talk.
Got to go.
You guys say ideas all the time.
The one time I say one
they shoot me down,
just like they shot down the Titanic.
Actually, the Titanic
Face it, Marge,
you're married to a dummy.
No, a dum-dum.
Oh, this big, beautiful head
is full of great ideas
just waiting to be set free.
I might be okay if you do that
for the rest of my life.
I know just the place that
will make you feel better.
Did you see how the credit card thing
at the ticket booth told
me to remove my card,
like I didn't know how to do it?
Then it got stuck
'cause I didn't know how to do it.
Let's just go home.
We haven't even seen any animals yet.
So? Even the animals
will think I'm dumb.
Oh, don't be silly.
That's just the sound hyenas make.
Slow Leonard?
I've always loved that tortoise.
I can't believe Leonard is still alive.
The mighty tortoise.
Dumber than me. Loser to the hare.
The tortoise famously wins that race.
Really? I only read the beginning
of that story really fast.
Then I got tired and took a nap.
I don't see any tortoise.
Excuse me, do you know
what happened to Leonard?
Leonard? Huh. I don't see him.
That's weird.
Well, the thing about a tortoise is
they're always somewhere.
He must have gotten out.
Who's in charge here?
I am the director of the zoo.
Would you like a koala sticker?
Yes, I would. Slow Leonard is missing.
Now, let's not panic, sir.
I don't see him either, but I'm sure
there's some explanation.
- We'll look into it.
- Look into it?
I know when I'm being talked down to.
- You think I'm dumb, don't you?
- No,
I don't,
but do you have a degree in zoology?
No, but I've seen the
comedy classic Zookeeper
- 19 times.
- I love that movie.
I don't need your approval,
and neither does Sylvester Stallone,
as the voice of Joe, the African lion.
A tortoise is missing,
and this dumb guy
is gonna find him.
There we go. A recent picture.
Mom, it's late, I'm worried.
Why isn't Dad at Moe's?
Is Moe all right?
He's fine.
Your dad's been looking for clues
in those zoo pictures all night.
Come on, buddy,
you're smart enough to crack this.
Dolly tire tracks.
I bet someone used a dolly
to cart Leonard off.
And those treads are clearly
from a Haul-Pro convertible
with a weight cap of 500 pounds.
Wow, Dad, how did you figure that out?
Eh, yep, well, your dad knows
a thing or two about dollies.
Drive safe, ya bum.
I think you'll find these photos
more than enough proof to open
a missing turtle investigation.
Wow, Homer, you're right.
These photos are incredible evidence.
- Really?
- Evidence of how dumb you are.
I just love it when regular people think
they can solve crimes.
It's like a dog thinking
he can mow the lawn.
- Aw.
- Look at
No one takes me seriously.
You know, there's a lot
of specific interest groups on Facelook.
I'm in one about knitting mug cozies
with a little window so you
can read the funny message
- on the mug.
Why don't you check to
see if there's a group
about Leonard's case?
Social media? Is that website still on?
Hey, there is a missing
tortoise group here.
It's called Lost Leonard!
But what if they say I'm stupid
or drag me in the comments?
Do you know how scary
it is in this climate
to be a dumb white man?
You care about that turtle.
I think you'll feel better if you try.
The police don't believe me,
but I'm posting some
photos that I think prove
that Slow Leonard has been kidnapped.
Dad, they're agreeing with you.
They think Leonard was stolen, too.
Really? Oh, my God.
A group of anonymous cyber sleuths
don't think I'm an idiot.
They like what I said.
That tickles.
The Internet thinks I'm smart.
Okay, this is Homer S. live streaming
to the Lost Leonard Facelook group
from the scene of the crime.
Are we all on?
How convenient.
They're replacing
Leonard with a much more
Instagrammable animal.
One that can fit into baby clothes.
Maybe we have our motive.
- Of course.
- Brilliant.
Thanks, guys. I do what I can,
which is a lot.
Look at this, dream team.
A video doorbell across
the street from the zoo.
How convenient.
Oh. It's actually very convenient.
Simpson, what can I do for you?
For us. I don't know if
you've heard the terrible news
that Slow Leonard has been kidnapped.
What?! Not Leonard.
Why couldn't they have
taken one of those damn
barking seals instead?
When do you monsters sleep?!
I'm a member of a team of cyber sleuths
searching for Leonard.
Can we look at your door camera footage?
Oh, of course. And, um,
I'd love to join the group.
But, uh, you guys probably already have,
uh, a superintendent.
We do now.
- Marge. Marge.
Marge, fan out those cocktail napkins.
Or did you not watch
the TikTok I sent you?
Calm down.
I've never seen you this excited
for a meet and greet.
Yeah, so who's coming
to this thing again?
Internet randos?
Let me tell you something, son.
Every human being is
born an Internet rando.
And then they stay Internet randos
until they connect over a cause.
And then and only then do they achieve
their full potential
and become not random.
Dad, is that really
Duh, yes. Paella.
What do you think all this
toasted saffron is for?
You've never toasted us anything.
Not even toast.
I don't need to show off for you, Marge.
You already bought the cow.
I finally have a group of
friends who think I'm smart.
Who haven't used a skeptical emoji
with a monocle even once with me.
They're here.
Keep stirring gently, slow.
Like stirring a baby.
Thanks for hosting, Homer.
I would have,
but my infinity pool broke.
Its edge is now finite.
I'm up to my eyeballs in
contractors and physicists.
Come in. Oh, you all look
so much like your avatars.
I got paella, of course, a big-screen TV
for viewing surveillance footage,
an evidence board
and, of course, yarn for connecting
our seemingly unrelated photos.
Um, is this genuine Mrs.
McClellan's Evidence Yarn?
Why, yes, it is. Illuminati strength.
Nine out of ten scientists
are afraid of it.
I'd like to thank Homer for
this extraordinary paella.
My mouth would swear it is in Barcelona.
Hey, uh, uh,
not to go down a rabbit hole,
but this plot could go deep,
and the one person we
haven't looked at yet
is the zoo director.
The zoo director. Um, Gil,
- isn't that a little desperate?
- Hold it.
There's one thing you need to
know about this paella party.
There are no bad ideas.
Nothing said here is stupid.
- Mm
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Oh, then I want to say I agree with Gil
about the zoo director.
We should board it.
Has anybody dug through
the tortoise scat yet?
Maybe he was being used as a drug mule.
Board it.
Perhaps Leonard's seed
was required by scientists
who want to breed slower horses.
- Uh, board it!
- Board it!
Uh, h-hey
how about that?
The yarn knows something
we're still figuring out.
We're gonna find this turtle,
but damn it,
we found love along the way.
Oh, oh! What if the turtle
was taken by a billionaire
to transfuse his blood for longevity?
- Board it.
- Mom, are we worried
this group is crossing into
the conspiracy theory zone?
Mmm, as long as he's got a
heavy hand with the saffron,
who cares?
Well, these people are finally
taking your father seriously.
He's not used to that.
Bart, you're always telling him
his ideas are dumb.
And, Lisa, you're always proving it.
He deserves a chance to be a big fish
in a small, weird pond.
So let him have this.
It's all harmless enough.
So it's decided.
We're protesting in front
of the zoo director's house.
I shall bring the milk
in case they tear gas us.
We can't be more emphatic,
we think Leonard's in your attic.
Please stop these protests.
Why would I kidnap an animal?
That's what a zoo is:
a bunch of kidnapped animals.
It's the cops!
If you're gonna pepper spray me,
do it fast.
I don't have much phone battery left.
Calm down,
I'm not here as Police Chief Wiggum.
I'm here as Clancy Wiggum,
a simple civilian
hungry for turtle justice.
Justice you'll never get from
a cold, faceless police department.
Uh-oh, body camera's on.
Don't worry,
I can erase it with a paper clip.
They, uh, they taught us how.
I need to say something to a woman
I'm very much in love with.
Lizzie, before this group started,
I was in a shell of my own making.
Oh, my God.
So I'm poking my head out and asking
in front of our new best friends,
will you make me the happiest man
on this flat earth?
Yes, yes.
I can't wait to spend
the rest of my life
taping together shredded
documents with you.
- Hooray.
- Aw.
Sure, the wedding planning
is a lot of work,
but the group is also learning
how to sweep for spyware
and pick locks.
That's why all our doorknobs
are in that basket.
Homie, I wonder if your cabal's ideas
are getting maybe a little
too far out of the box?
Thank you, Marge.
You know what's inside boxes?
Styrofoam peanuts and lies.
And I'm tired of being fed both.
- The beauty of this group is that
- Hmm?
- we always support each other. There isn't one theory
- Hmm
- about Leonard that's right.
- Mm.
They're all right. He could be anywhere.
- Like the kitchen?
- Exactly.
No, he's literally in the kitchen.
Homer, did you kidnap Leonard?
No, I didn't commit the crime.
I did something much worse.
I solved it.
Why the hell is Slow
Leonard in our house?
Do I have to tell you?
Can't we just accept
this as the new normal?
There's a 500-pound tortoise
chewing on my kitchen table.
It's not normal.
Okay, here goes.
After our protest,
I went back to the tortoise enclosure
for one last look.
My doughnut hole!
Ooh, ooh! Aah! Ow, ow!
That's when I discovered a doughnut hole
will always return to its mother
a larger hole.
Leonard. You weren't kidnapped.
You were right here all along.
Wait, so after following
all those crazy leads,
you found Leonard by going
down an actual rabbit hole?
- Yeah, so?
- Don't you see the irony?
Oh, now I don't get it.
Guys, you'll never believe it,
but I found
Just hold that thought.
I made us all evidence
collection fanny packs.
Which we'll all wear on
the pedal bus pub crawl.
Are you coming, Homer?
There's a guac trough in the middle.
If I told 'em I found him,
the group would end.
How could I let that happen?
Those friendless weirdos have
become my best weird friends.
They're the only people
who don't say "Einstein"
after "great idea,"
or "Sherlock" after
Oh, you have to tell them the truth.
Well, the truth is different these days.
It's more of a hunch
you're willing to die for.
No, it's not!
But tomorrow Gil and Miss
Hoover are getting married
on Chem Trail Island,
and we're all going to wear
matching head shields
so that Bluetooth can't steal
winning lottery numbers
from our brains.
Homer, you solved the mystery.
This confederacy of nutsos
has gone too far.
You're all acting dumb.
You think I'm dumb, Marge?
Just like everyone at the library
and all the other smartypantseseseses
in this town?
Well, you can't shame me into
turning my back on my people.
I'm going to that
conspiracy-themed wedding.
And you're no longer my plus-one,
which is your loss because
I'm at a great table.
Equidistant from the bar
and the bathroom.
I don't know any history ♪
It's all one big conspiracy ♪
I can't prove there
are science books ♪
Bunch of experts
spouting gobbledygook ♪
All I know is that I love you ♪
And there's microchips
in Charleston Chews ♪
The virus was caused by 5G. ♪
To the bride and groom,
who, in uncovering
a turtle-stealing plot,
also uncovered an undying love.
Yeah, I, too, have a toast.
To us bringing to
justice the zoo director,
who knows where that turtle is.
Who's got ideas?
Remember, this is a safe space
for all dangerous and violent plans.
Easy. We dump a swarm of murder hornets
- down her chimney.
- Uh - Board it!
I can stuff a couple
of bricks of cocaine
- in her wheel well.
- Board it.
Let's cut the brake lines
on her brand-new Prius.
- Board
- No, don't board it.
Don't board any of it.
- What?
- Why?
Because the zoo director
didn't do anything wrong,
and punishing an innocent
zoo director is
a bad idea.
But you said there were no bad ideas.
I was wrong. Most ideas are bad.
It's okay to think them,
just don't act on them.
He's not an "us" anymore, he's a "them."
Them! Them! Them!
Enough is enough!
Look, we have Slow Leonard.
He wasn't kidnapped.
Real, living turtle!
Let's talk sense here.
The most obvious explanation
is the one that's before our very eyes.
- Hey, it's true.
- Yeah. - Uh-huh.
Oh, thank God.
This is not Slow Leonard,
this is a robot.
A robot built by Homeland Security
to scan our tongues to
see whom we've kissed.
We'll prove it.
Scan him with your robot detectors.
Guys, it is the turtle.
And those robot detectors are made of
hair dryers and old video games.
Look, we had a great ride together.
The paintball and pinot noir weekend,
the duck boat tour of Shelbyville,
storming City Hall.
It felt so good to be
part of a community
Where we're all respected and supported.
But we can't pull our
heads inside our shells
and hide from the very real truth:
our lost turtle has been found.
I cannot believe I'm saying this.
It's not a robot.
Dr. J, super dunk!
But what happens to all of us
when we don't have anything to solve?
Nothing has to change.
We have more in common than
just the tortoise, don't we?
Well, we must. Right?
Aw, nuts.
Oh, great.
Now I have to get this lasered off.
I love being in this group,
but it's over.
And now I and the rest of us
have to go back to a world where
everyone thinks we're dumb.
Unless we find a new mystery
only we can solve.
Where does calamari really come from?
Well, the common wisdom
is that it's squid,
but I say there's no
such thing as a squid.
Board it.
Mmm, that's good squid.
I heard it's pig butt,
but the shadow pig butt
counsel spends billions
quashing those rumors.
Board it.
As long as we're blowing
each other's minds,
I've heard there's a cartoon show
that can predict the future.
Maybe we can watch it
and find out what's going to happen.
Board it.
- Making up stuff is fun.
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Well, I guess no matter how
crazy and lame people are,
they always want to hang
with other crazy lame-os.
I'm no conspiracy theorist,
but I do wonder
who stands to benefit
from all of this?
- Space here.
- Multiverse! - Board it.
- Okay, that's good.
- And here's another idea.
- Oh, that's
- Hold on, I need
- more cards.
- Yes!
Our profits are through the roof.
We can't make enough yarn,
index cards and ivermectin.
We're in a golden age.
Keep defunding schools, America.
Okay, everybody,
today we're making one of my
favorite dishes:
conspiracy-meeting paella.
It's a great dish for
blowing the lid off
any diabolical plot the
mainstream media won't cover.
CIA murders in your town, UFO stuff.
And it even pairs well
with a New World Order scenario.
Now, this is a dish where the freshness
of the ingredients really matters,
like this chorizo made
from home-schooled pigs.
If you're a lizard person watching this,
instead of using chicken,
feel free to go with
whatever insect or
small mammal goes well
with Calasparra rice.
Well, that's all you need to know.
Let me know in the
comments how it turned out,
and what shape you think the sun is.
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