The Simpsons s34e04 Episode Script

The King of Nice

Krusty, bubbeleh, take it easy,
this is a great booking.
Don't bubbeleh me, boychik.
Entertaining the kids at
Kelly Clarkson's housewarming.
It's not my fault you lost
all your money on NFTs
non-funny TV shows.
Now get to work,
you're behind on your Cameos.
Hey, hey, Jacob!
Your dad's super-sad he couldn't
make it to your bar mitzvah.
It's a real shonda.
Also, all the best from Dad's new wife,
Thank you so much for doing this,
Kelly really appreciates it.
And the children are all huge fans.
Right, kids?
- Mm-hmm.
- Totally. - Yeah, we love you, Crisco.
Oh, what's that Kelly
Clarkson got that I don't?
We all won singing
contests 20 years ago.
Oh, where's my infinity toilet?
Oh, that toilet isn't
from American Idol money.
You're looking at daytime-syndicated
talk show wealth.
See those mega mansions?
Well, they belong to the
superstars of daytime TV:
- Rachael Ray, Wendy Williams,
- Hey, hey. Hey, hey.
and that jerk Doctor Phil.
All bought and paid for
with syndicated megabucks.
I see something in you, Krusty.
Oh, I was gonna put it back.
You have daytime chops.
There's always a place
on TV for a Regis
a cranky but lovable, sexless grandpa.
Yeah, and what makes you the expert?
Here's the real test. Get
that mom squad dancing.
Daytime audiences love to dance.
Forget it, lady. I still got my dignity.
Hey, wait.
Hey, hey, Bryson!
Your mom wanted me to
congratulate you on
getting your braces tightened.
Make up a rap about it?
Look, fine, I'll dance.
Apple bottom jeans,
boots with the fur ♪
With the fur ♪
The whole club was lookin' at her ♪
- She hit the floor ♪
- She hit the floor ♪
Next thing you know ♪
Shawty got low, low,
low, low, low, low, low ♪
Them baggy sweat pants and
the Reeboks with the straps. ♪
What's taking so long?
All this food I can't
eat is taunting me.
I read that grain-free
is supposed to be good.
Or was it grain-full?
Mom, can we get a gecko?
I want a guinea pig.
How about both in one cage,
and see what happens?
- No, no, no.
- Yeah, please, mom?
- Please, come on, a gecko and a guinea pig.
- No! Why would we
Marge, honestly,
is this how you pictured your life?
I think not.
Yes, I lick my behind. Big surprise.
Excuse me,
would you like to come participate
in a focus group?
Yes, anything but this.
Just pick a food.
We want to know what you want
in your daytime programming.
There are no wrong
answers and no bad ideas.
In that case, recipes.
Air-fryer recipes.
Celebrities come on the show?
Well, yes, obviously, but
Put it on the board, then.
Uh, I was thinking
Something with vacuums.
Shiny coat or liver support?
Why are they doing this to us?
- Hats?
- What about hats, Helen?
babies wearing hats?
And it's a whole baby hat fashion show?
- Exactly. Exactly.
- Oh, yeah, there you go. - Ooh.
That's not bad.
And you know how there are just too many
dog food options these days?
What if you brought out Instagram dogs
and had them do a taste test?
Wow! Well, that's really good.
What other ideas do you have?
Candle unboxing and sniffing.
Celebrities read nice tweets
about other celebrities.
Unexpected jack-o'-lanterns.
Funny bed-making fails.
tweens explain TikToks to carpool moms.
You're a natural. You've got nice ideas
coming out the wazoo.
You know, I'm in the market
for a new segment producer.
You are?
Will you excuse me for a second?
Jerry, you're fired.
I'm I'm free.
Segment producer?
I don't know. I-I should probably
talk it over with my family.
I'll take the job.
Be warned, segment producer.
No one makes it out of
these shows unchanged.
Oh, well, then it's a good
thing I'm not much of a changer.
You can keep your job
or you can keep your soul,
but you can't keep both.
Also, when you turn in your receipts,
break them down between
dining and mileage
or you'll await the reimbursements
So this is behind the
scenes of a TV show.
So much hustle.
And bustle.
Mm mm.
This is your desk.
And this is where you can pin
all your genius segment ideas.
With five shows a week,
it's very important
that you always be thinking up segments.
A daytime talk show without
fun and interesting
segments is like a
You, finish my metaphor.
Uh, um
Get me a baked potato
so I can throw it at your head.
Okay, I'll leave you to it.
Oh, I-I don't need to order lunch.
My kids packed mine as a
special treat for my first day.
- Aw.
Hmm. Maybe I will take
a look at that menu.
Can I order you something, um
What-what's your name?
Uh, to make it simpler
for the producers,
we're-we're all named Jordan.
I should've ordered some salad
to go with my salad toppings.
- Mm.
What the hell is this?
You people didn't write me any jokes.
You don't need jokes.
The women in our audience
are just happy to be out of the house.
They want to dance to clean
versions of Pitbull songs
and go home with a free copy
of a Real Housewives memoir.
Your only job is just be nice.
It's all about nice.
Did you just make eye
contact with the host?
No, I would never!
- Aah!
- Oh!
Ladies and gay friends, I'm MC Hairbone,
the funkiest daytime DJ in the world.
Get on your feet for your newest,
king of late morning or early afternoon
depending on your local
market and time zone:
Apple bottom jeans,
boots with the fur ♪
With the fur ♪
The whole club was lookin' at her ♪
- She hit the floor ♪
- She hit the floor ♪
Next thing you know,
shawty got low, low ♪
Low, low, low, low, low, low ♪
Them baggy sweat pants and
the Reeboks with the straps ♪
- With the straps ♪
- She turned around and gave ♪
That big booty a slap. ♪
Look at this. I already got
a wardrobe malfunction.
That's the kind of joke we get.
- Oh, my God, this is my first segment.
I hope people like it, Jordan.
Look at this guy. He's saying,
"I'm gonna wrangle me up a nap."
These are my people.
And they're raising
the roof for my idea.
Can you believe we get paid for this?
We don't.
Bart, you're taking this really well.
I'd have thought you'd be
hatching some scheme
to get the old Krusty show back.
Why would I do that?
I've got my favorite
Krusty episodes right here.
More than 700 of 'em.
Hm, kind of makes you think.
Once you have enough
episodes of any classic show,
why do you need to keep making more?
Well, the reason is
Shh. Watching classic Krusty.
Oh, it's just so easy.
I don't have to be funny anymore.
I just have to be nice.
It's the greatest grift I've ever done.
I'm gonna go buy some cars.
- Mm
- You did a great job today, Marge.
You know, we women have to
stick together in this business.
But I also want you
to never quite be sure
where you stand with me, and just have
a general sense of unease
about my intentions.
Does that make sense?
I think so.
Okay, everybody, conference room.
Pitch meeting for tomorrow.
You, plaid shirt.
Not you. Plaid shirt, tall. Yeah.
Bring the binder of dinner menus.
- Let me talk to 'em ♪
- Come on ♪
- Shawty had them Apple Bottom jeans ♪
- Jeans ♪
- Boots with the fur ♪
- With the fur ♪
The whole club was lookin' at her ♪
- She hit the floor ♪
- She hit the floor ♪
Next thing you know, low ♪
Hey, I ain't never seen
nothing that'll make me go ♪
This crazy all night,
spending my dough ♪
Had a million-dollar
vibe and a body to go ♪
Them birthday cakes,
they stole the show, so sexual ♪
She was flexible, professional ♪
Drinking X and O ♪
Hold up wait a minute, do I see ♪
- What I think I, whoa ♪
- Come on. ♪
Homie, I'm so sorry I'm late.
You would not believe the day I had.
Oh, please, let's eat. I'm starving.
Oh, but if the bill looks high,
it's because
I already ate a full meal here.
And then Krusty didn't even tell us
he had swapped the A and B blocks.
I'd already preset the demo table
for my segment, "popcorn maker wars."
So, then it's my fault
the "reuniting soldiers
and their dogs" segment
was such a disaster?
Carla's the one who turned
on the popcorn machines.
And that's Hair Department Carla?
No, Hair Department Carla is blonde.
You know, my day was pretty crazy, too.
Lenny came in this morning
with a ladybug on his shirt,
and we were seeing how
long before he noticed it.
Segment idea: "Krusty goes blond."
Lenny made it all the way to lunch
and then the little guy
just fell off on its own.
We called him Ladybug Lenny
for the rest of the day!
Ah, ladybugs.
Oh, I have to go back to the office.
The viral skateboard grandma
we booked for tomorrow
has a history of racist tweets.
Uh, Marge, I forgot my wallet.
No. Too edgy. Too soft.
What is this, Corden?
Seen it. Not timely. Too timely.
Way too soft.
What is this, Fallon?
"Good luck Mom, we love you."
I don't even get this.
Is that all you got?
Guys, I know I've been
a little stressed lately,
but it's so nice for us
to all sit down together.
It's okay, Mom.
You're doing your dream job.
Yeah, we're proud of you, Mom.
Now pass the index cards.
The what?
I'm hungry for segments.
What's the matter, Marge?
You haven't even touched
your steamed pushpins.
Aah! Oh!
Mm. Mm
Look alive, people. The big boss
wants to see everyone for a meeting.
Krusty's here? But we don't
tape for another eight minutes.
I just wanted to tell
you how grateful I am
for all your hard work.
I never knew doing a television show
could require so little
effort on my part.
If anyone needs anything,
I'll be in my spray tan tent.
Thanks, Krusty. You earned it.
Back to work.
We need 50 branded segment ideas
for Menopause Chapstick and
something called Cereal Wine.
At this solemn and holy moment,
I baptize thee
How are we supposed to
do surprise makeovers
on the mailmen you brought in?
Every one of them is already gorgeous.
Special thanks to the
Pre-K Pop and Lock Crew.
- That was great.
- It was fine.
I mean, look me in the eye
and tell me where the GIF was. Tell me.
Uh, uh, uh,
when the little kid breakdanced.
Um, excuse me, Marge,
there seems to be an
emergency at your house.
What is so important that
you pulled me out of work?
Marge, there's no emergency.
Have a seat. This is an intervention.
I missed the big reveal?
You said I had time.
Midge, go out and come back in.
Aw, nah, forget that.
Who's that even for?
All right, all right, intervention.
And, uh, go.
If this is about the melatonin gummies,
I can stop whenever I want.
No, Marge. We're interventioning
you and your whole deal.
I never thought I'd speak ill of TV,
but I think it's destroying you.
Cut to commercial.
Okay, let's make this quick.
Everybody say your little thing.
We're just worried about you, Marge.
even your best friend Luann is here.
Best friend?
We haven't had the conversation yet,
but it's unspoken.
Mom, we want to be
supportive of your dreams,
but you just don't seem
to be enjoying it anymore.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Sorry that you're all so threatened
by a powerful, successful woman.
Lisa, as a feminist,
you should be ashamed of yourself.
Really? Just this week the show's done
"sext your way out of traffic school"
and debuted a new daily segment
called "trends in cleavage."
When's this show on again?
- Mm?
The Internet's on fire about our story
exposing the toxic work
environment at Krusty.
- Inexcusable.
- I heard they made all the interns
convert to Judaism
and work on Christmas,
then convert back and work on Passover.
This is a disaster.
We can finish this dumb thing later.
Hmm. So, um, what's the move here?
Well, is there anything else
we can work on?
Hey Homer, how's the drinking?
What the hell is this?
For the first time in my life,
I'm not responsible
for a toxic work environment.
I'm barely ever here.
Physically, and certainly not mentally.
Don't worry, Krusty.
I'm going to find whoever said
it's terrible to work here
and personally bully them until
their hair falls out in clumps.
But what you need now
is a redemption episode.
And I know I speak for the
entire staff when I say
we're willing to pull an
all-nighter to make it happen.
Yeah, and you'll write me
one of those apologies
where it sounds like I'm sorry
but I'm not actually
taking the blame for anything?
I've done hundreds of these.
It's actually a template
in the software we use.
Uh, what else?
Bart, you got to be addicted
to something by now.
None of your business.
Fair enough.
Shawty had them ♪
- Apple Bottom jeans ♪
- Jeans ♪
Boots with the fur ♪
With the fur. ♪
I was devastated to learn that our show
has become a toxic work environment.
Well, even though
I knew absolutely nothing
about what was going on,
the buck stops with me.
And I promise you,
I'm going to take some time to listen,
learn, not touch, and listen.
What the hell is this?!
How am I supposed to do the salad shake
if it's not in its original container?
Oh, my God.
What have I become?
I was completely unaware
of the following policies:
if employees see me in my car,
they must lower imaginary sunglasses
as if impressed and aroused.
Krusty, you don't need to do this.
The world needs to know the truth.
It's the system of
daytime TV that's toxic.
It's turned us all into monsters
fueled by stress, gaslighting,
and $15 kale Caesar salads.
The pressure to crank out so much nice
brings out the worst in us.
We just wanted to bring
more nice in the world.
More nice.
Okay, new speech.
This non-apology apology
just became a real apology.
This place isn't toxic
because of whoever this lady is
or "the system."
It's toxic because of me.
I'm a showbiz monster.
I'm not nice.
So I'm stepping away from the show
Krusty, you don't have to do this.
It's not your fault.
Look, lady,
I couldn't agree with you more.
Everyone who works
here except me is nuts.
I just quit because I closed
the deal for a new gig
which makes daytime talk show money
look like late night talk show money.
TV judge syndication money.
A judge?
Judge Judy is the richest
TV star in the world.
So I'm gonna be Judge Krusty.
I can let my body go,
just sit on my keister
and speak truth to stupid all day.
All right, I got to go work
on my humiliation quips.
You ever do any bailiffing?
No more show?
I'm I'm free.
Oh come on, why would you do that?
Sorry, Pat, sorry, sorry.
Oh, come on.
Don't sneeze on my robe
and tell me I'm in a car wash.
Did you fall out of the stupid tree
and land in the idiot mulch?
His quips could use some work.
- Mulch.
- Do you ever miss working in TV, Mom?
There was at least a week there
where you seemed to enjoy it.
Sure, it was rewarding at first.
But this experience has made me realize
my real dream job is
producing this family.
And now, as a consultant,
I get the best of both worlds.
Marge, it's Drew. I need your help.
I got no A block for tomorrow.
Let me see
Have you seen the viral grandpa?
The one who raises baby ducks?
Yes, I'm thinking
surprise spa day for him.
And an extreme pond
makeover for the ducks.
Oh, Marge, are you sure
you won't come work for me?
That's very sweet, Drew,
but my daytime days are over.
I'll be in touch.
Here at Segments, we believe
there is life after daytime.
Our patients have suffered
indescribable trauma
from TV hosts perpetuating
the cycle of abuse
handed down since the days
of The Mike Douglas Show.
We treat all aspects of PTSD
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compulsive fake laughter,
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Lindsey, who are you talking to?
The audience.
I'm warming up the audience.
It's all on the teleprompter!
Why don't you just put this on
for a "who wore it best" segment?
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