The Simpsons s34e05 Episode Script

Not It

MRS. GUMBLE: Barney,
did you finish your milk?
Yes, Ma. (BURPS)
Have fun playing in the gutter!
BARNEY: Anchors aweigh!
It's floating.
It's still floating!
This is fun to me.
I love you, paper boat!
Oh, no!
- Hiya, Barn.
I'm Krusto, the funniest clown
in the whole wide world.
Uh, people who have to tell you
they're funny usually aren't.
Can I get my boat back, sewer clown?
Why, sure.
Just reach in and take it.
That's right, build the tension.
Keep the boat! Keep the boat!
- ♪
Don't worry, Barn.
When a kid goes missing in this town,
we find them.
Hmm Mm
Sorry, Waylon.
Hey there, Ruthie.
How are the little ones?
Oh, you know kids. Still missin.'
Ah, they disappear so fast, don't they?

Hey there, Simpson.
Super-Intense-Kid Chalmers!
Look what I traded my dog for.
Creepy clown, go get help!
- Hmm?
- Hmm? - Hmm?
After him!
Step away from the whimpering coward.
Time to bring out the big guns.
It's a fair fight.
Let's run away!
Oh, oh, you're hurt, you poor thing.
No girl has ever called me
a "thing" before.
I've seen you guys around.
You're the school outsiders, aren't you?
We sure are.
The comic book nerd, the tomboy.
The scuzz.
And the one Black kid in all of Maine.
We call ourselves The Losers Club.
It's a name we are no longer fighting.
We have a first aid kit
in our clubhouse. Come on.
Um, FYI, new guy.
I called dibs on Marge
in the second grade.
Find your own secret knockout
who doesn't recognize
her own self-worth. (GRUNTS)
Sweet clubhouse, right?
They used it to store
tartar sauce during the war.
You're all gonna think I'm crazy,
but when those bullies
were gonna kill me,
I saw an evil clown.
I-I've seen the clown, too.
I was in the bathroom,
uh, painting my nails
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
Come on, I need water.
CLOWN: How's about
a little seltzer?
- Holy moly,
bleach your mustache.
You look like El DeBarge.
The clown knew my greatest fear:
drowning in seltzer.
- HOMER: Mm.
I saw the clown, too.
But he came to me as
a ventriloquist dummy.
- Hey, kid.
- Hmm?
I went on a date with
your mother last night.
You might want to check
her for splinters!
He was implying they made love.
I was in my bedroom, reading.
Wanna swap spit?
- Aah!
I saw him too.
He came to me as the rotting
corpse of my grandmother
in a hot tub full of maggots.
We get it, we get it,
no need for a flashback.
I bet that evil clown is the one
who took all the missing kids in town.
We need to find out
what we're up against.
Which means doing the
thing we all fear most:
- homework.
- Aah!
- Oh God, no.
- But it's summer.
HOMER: Your arm is summer lightning.
Your bravery, the storm.
Hmm. (GASPS)
Like a chimp at the zoo,
I'm bananas for you.
MARGE: Homer!
Homer, I found him. In this.
The clown has been in Kingfield before.
He's always been here.
BROCKMAN: Channel 14 and Fume Champ
Super-Leaded Gasoline present
The Yuk-Yuk Hour with Krusto the Clown.
Hey, hey!
Thanks for the big hand.
In 1936 he had a radio hour.
In 1909, a vaudeville review.
And in 1882,
he was an emcee for a freak show.
And the strangest thing is
He was never, ever funny.
He comes back every 27 years.
And when he does
I gorge myself on pre-teens.
ALL: Aah!
What's the difference between
a Twinkie and a fat kid?
I don't feel guilty
when I eat a fat kid.
Homer, catch!
Gah! My wattle!
My beautiful wattle!
Now I'm really big and scary!
Temporary setba
I don't want to die and
be buried in a kid coffin.
It costs the same as a regular-sized.
I overheard my parents pricing 'em.
- Calm down.
(GRUNTS) Well, that's my fetish now.
Look, don't you see?
We hurt him.
And if we can hurt him, we can kill him.

(SCOFFS) "Bananas for you"?
- HOMER: Mm?
- Oh!
That romantic son of a bitch.
When she reads this,
she'll be his forever.
HOMER: Free candy?
(GASPS) Let's eat it
before the clown shows up!
- (LAUGHS) Aah!
- Aah!
Hey, hey, kids!
What time is it?
CHILDREN: Time to laugh for Krusto.
Our whimsical weapons
they're useless.
Don't you kids get it?
I'm completely invinci
Wait, I never heard that before.
Real laughter. That I actually earned.
Hey, hey, kids, if you like that,
watch this.
Eh? Eh?
He's killing himself for laughs.
Hey, clown.
Why don't you eat these?
Oh! Cherry bombs in the mouth.
That's a great gag.
So this is what it
feels like not to bomb.
No, you tricked me!
You're nothing but a bunch of losers.
And that's all you'll ever be!
We're not dead.
Somebody pinch me.
Somebody slap me.
A-Any one of youse.
Doesn't-doesn't matter.
Guys, let's make a pact:
if the clown comes back in 27 years,
no matter where we all end up,
we'll come back home and finish the job.
Now let's find out if
this water is deep enough
- for jumpin'!
- Mwah.
- Huh?
I got your poem.
I want my first love to be
the boy who wrote those words.
B-By that, you mean me, of course.
Kiss me for the rest of the summer.
Wait, this isn't right.
I'm the one I wanted Marge
to fall in love with.
Eh, cheer up, Homer.
We got our whole lives ahead of us.
Maybe you guys do.
I think mine just ended.
Oh, Marge. Mwah, kissing.
- This.
- I'm so happy.
Oh yes. (GIGGLING)
- Hey,
that bakery wasn't here this morning.
Well, there's no kids around.
Might as well bully adults.
Hey Pie Man! Gimme a
Dude, are you okay?
- ♪
Oh, Moleman,
I can't imagine my life
without you seated next to me
every night here at D'ohs Tavern.
You're my best friend.
I'm cold.
One teen was killed
by a pie to the face.
Another's intestines were
twisted into balloon animals.
And the last,
choked by a chain of hankies so long,
police are still pulling it out.
No, the clown can't be back.
Unless it's (GASPS)
27 years later.
I got to tell the other Losers
that it's time to come home,
so we can end this.
I wonder if their lives
turned out as lousy as mine.

Here I am ♪
Rock you like a hurricane ♪
Here I am. ♪
Thank you, Las Vegas.
Yeah, rock and roll.
Message for you from your old hometown.
Something about a childhood pact.
A pact is a pact. I'm on my way.
Uh, I got to go, guys.
Oh, here's the instructions
for destroying the asteroid.
You got this!
ANNOUNCER: Ten, nine
Homer, it's so nice to hear your voice
after all these years.
Wow, CEO of your own company.
You know, I pictured you growing
up to be a softball superstar.
Aw, you were always so sweet.
How have you been?
So good. I practically live on Reddit.
But did you ever get the feeling
that we missed our chance?
I do. I sure wish
we'd done it 27 years ago.
(GASPS) Me too!
Oh, it's all I think about.
Oh, you mean kill Krusto.
Yeah, that would've been good, too.
Oh, I want to help,
but I'm not sure I can.
I have responsibilities now.
- Hi, Mom.
- What up, Big Blue?
Bert, my little jazz tubist.
And Lizzie, my special little gal.
Mom, I got an A-plus on my
Elizabeth Cady Stanton diorama.
I threw a stink bomb
in the teacher's lounge
and bike-locked the door.
Well, I'm so proud
of one of those things.
Who's Homer Simpson?
That's a dumb-ass name.
Really? Our father's name is
Comic Book Guy.
Homer Simpson is someone
we knew back in Kingfield.
A town we will never set foot in again.
Homer needs us. We're the only ones
who can kill the clown.
We're adults now.
A kid murderer is a kid problem.
What happened to the boy who
admired my bravery so much
he put it in a poem?
B-By that, you mean me, of course.
Well, I am a husband now, and a father.
And I'm-I'm
- I'm
- The same little coward
You always were! (ROARS)
Marge, I had a dream about him.
He was just as scary as I remember,
but updated for a Gen Z audience.
Honey? Honey?
To the Losers.
The Losers.
So, how the hell are we gonna
stop that unkillable clown?
We ain't exactly children no more.
Yeah, but we're still friends.
We're still full of childlike wonder.
We're still virgins.
- Eesh.
- Mm
Yeah, we're still, uh (CLEARS THROAT)
Well, whenever I need
to find my courage,
I think of a poem Comic Book Guy
wrote for me when we were kids.
It's why I fell in love with him.
Marge, there's something
I have to tell you right now,
because if I wait even
one more second
I'm talking one single second,
just one
something might happen
that will make me not
Oh be able to tell you.
Kids, no, what are you doing here?
They're here to collect their mother.
Kids, be good and wait in the car.
Mommy and Daddy have some
grown-up yelling to discuss.
Mom and Dad's hometown sure sucks.
Misspelled pet cemetery,
Salem's parking lot,
mysterious antique store
that charges by the soul.
What the hell are you watching?
Wake up! We barely escaped last time.
Why risk our lives now when
we have so much to lose?
Present Homers excluded.
Hope you Losers weren't
thinking of leaving just yet.
Not without seeing my
new star attraction.
Help, Mom!
Dad, get your fat ass down here!
Our kids!
Our phones.
Now it's personal.
Just like it always was.
(SNIFFS) I smell
thousand-year-old flop sweat.
We must be close.
- LIZZIE: Finally!
- BERT: Mom, Dad!
- Up here!
Kids! Oh
Well, well. If it isn't the Losers.
Say hello to my studio audience.
There's no laughter
like forced laughter.
We're not afraid of you anymore, clown.
You have no power over us.
He's an astronaut,
she's a seltzer big wig,
and I'm a world-famous,
um, virgin.
Oh, damn it.
The point is we've conquered
our childhood fears.
Ah, but adults have something
much tastier than fears.
Millions of tiny,
delicious anxieties.
You know what I'm thankful for?
The filibuster. Let's talk about it.
ALL: Aah!
But you you've got something
worth worrying about.
Why don't I tell Marge
you put your name on the poem
that won her heart, eh?
No, no, please.
It-it wasn't you?
I tried to tell you, just not very hard.
My life is a lie.
He must get his sinister powers
from his captive audience.
Just like Jimmy Fallon.
You have to destroy the sign!
Only you can do it, Marge.
Your arm is summer lightning.
Your bravery, the storm.
You're the chimp in the zoo.
And I'm still bananas for you.
Now, throw, throw!
Why were we laughing?
This show sucks.
Let's go up to heaven
and bask in the glory
of God's stupid love.

My audience! No!
It took me years to grow them.
Aah! Oh Oh!
I can't start over! Oh!
What would that even look like?
Dancing for followers on TikTok?
I haven't written a joke since 1647.
Aah! And that material has not
well. Oh
I blame cancel culture.
You were finally brave.
Does this make up for lying
to you all these years?
Oh, honey.
Of course not.
No, I get it. (GROANS)
Growing up isn't easy.
The traumas we lived as
kids can haunt us forever,
lurking in the corners of our mind.
We can't undo the harm,
but with a little help,
we can survive it.
And live the life we
were always meant to.
The humans have vanquished
our thousand-year-old clown,
but surely they will be no
match for our next nightmare
a Saint Bernard with rabies.
An angry car?
Put that in the "maybe" pile.
How about a prom that
goes seriously wrong?
Haunted hotel?
What about some Tommyknockers?
Those sound scary.
Yes, yes!
- Tommyknockers.
- Tommyknockers.
- Tommyknockers.
- Tommyknockers.
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