The Simpsons s34e18 Episode Script

Fan-ily Feud


Here's your ticket to witness history.
Chuck Wildler breaking
the pitching record
- for most batters knocked unconscious.
- Mm-hmm!
Upper deck. We're so far away.
I wanted to see teeth fly.
Relax, nobody comes to Isotopes games.
We'll move into the empty
seats behind home plate.
You'll be so close to the carnage,
you'll have flashbacks
for the rest of your life.
What the heck?
Why is it so crowded?
And why are they all girls?
And why are they all checking
each other's teeth for lipstick?
- Do I have lipstick?
- Is it gone?
ANNOUNCER (OVER P.A.): First up,
a young slugger batting .320
with a hat size of 11
Tork "Lollipop" Williams.
(LAUGHS) Wildler hates this guy's head.
Your jumbotron is now under the control
of the Ashlee Starling Murmur Nation.
Why are you all standing
at the same time?
That's not how the wave works.
You've got to undulate.
Ashlee's album Squeeze Play drops now.
Featuring her hit single "Glitter!"
- ♪
What the hell is an Ashlee Starling?
Ashlee Starling is a whiny pop singer
for whiny girls who love to whine.
Yeah, yeah, you broke my heart ♪
Into a million pieces ♪
And like glitter
those pieces shine ♪
They reflect all the bad
things you said and did ♪
And I can't get
them out of my mind ♪
Yeah, yeah ♪
I'm not bitter, now I'm glitter ♪
- You threw me away like litter ♪
Stop this stupid well-planned thing!
- I'm not bitter, now I'm glitter ♪
- HOMER: Oh, my God, it's happening.
- Bet your new girl will find ♪
- For the record! And Oh.
- Pieces of me everywhere ♪
- Like glitter. ♪
- HOMER: D'oh!
- (GRUNTS) - We missed it.
Childhood officially ruined.
Let's get a dozen hot
dogs and head home.
- Oh
- What?
- Do I have hot dog?
- Am I good?
Oh, I should have hot dog in my teeth.
Sir, how long
have you been a proud member
of the Murmur Nation?
Since never.
Ashlee Starling is a whiny pop singer
for whiny girls that love to whine.
Right, boy?
I disagree.
Ashlee Starling's well-crafted songs
speak to the inner lives
of teens and tweens alike.
- But you said
- I've never met this man.
If I knew him,
I would teach him to love Ashlee
by sharing that one song
about how you're beautiful
no matter what your face looks like.
Why are you talking like that? (GASPS)
Did one of them bite you?
Do you have any idea
what you just mobilized?
You insulted Ashlee Starling
on camera.
I am looking into the
eyes of a dead man.
MARTY (OVER RADIO): Looking for the
fifth caller to win all you can eat bread
- at Yeasties Doughhouse and
- Huh?
- I'm not bitter ♪
What? Oh You again.
Not on my radio. (GRUNTS)
- I'm not bitter ♪
- Not bitter ♪
- What's happening?
- You threw me ♪
- Threw me ♪
- Like glitter. ♪
Eh, who's there?
I-I see you.
What the
(GASPS) A seed cake?
Well, you know my motto:
even the worst cake is still cake.
- Aah!
- "Love" is in quotes.
What were you thinking?
You've made the nuclear power plant
a very dangerous place to work.
You have become the target
of a highly organized,
newly-hormonal fan army.
Because of you,
I have to wear this T-shirt.
In case anyone's wondering,
I don't agree with Homer.
Whew. You don't know these fan armies.
They're all ruthless psychos.
Except for the BTS ARMY,
- who are just and pure of heart.
- Mm-hmm.
Dad, if you ever want to
breathe un-glittered air again,
you have to repent and
devote your life to Ashlee.
Oh, you're blowing this
out of proportion.
Everything's gonna be f-f
I got glitter in every fold,
crack and wedge.
I really need the comforting burn
of Flaming Hot Oreos.
Oh, God.
We did it. We have broken him.
You sure you're cool with this?
Totally. My dad has to pay
for what he said about Ashlee.
Great job, Murmur Nation.
We've got D'oh-boy on the ropes.
I feel bad for the ropes.
We couldn't have made it
this far without you, Lisa.
I'm doing it for Ashlee.
I'm a hardcore Starling fan.
She encourages girls everywhere
to speak truth to power
and never date John Mayer.
But selling out your own dad?
That is Stone Cold Creamery,
and I'll take two scoops.
I love my dad,
but you guys are my besties.
(GASPS) I've never used the plural
of bestie before.
Marge, did you get the paper? (GROANS)
Once again, Marge is out living
it up at the grocery store.
Ooh, lawn burger.
(GASPS) The mothership.
I'm still waiting on cheese fries.
(SCOFFS) Just as I thought,
Ashlee what's-her-face.
I'm not Ashlee.
Aah! What's your face?
I'm pop sensation, U.N. AmbassaDiva
and lip gloss spokesmouth,
- (ECHOING): Echo.
- Mm?
I had my name legally
changed to do that.
I hear the birdbrain
fans of Murmur Nation
have been giving you trouble.
I haven't had a single
day's sleep at work.
Miss Ashlee and I have the
standard megastar feud.
We released dueling diss tracks
then diss sketches on SNL.
We both diss-dated Pete Davidson.
That guy's got big diss energy.
I've always believed the
frenemy of my frenemy
- is my ene-friend.
- Obviously.
Why don't we team up and
clip some Starling wings?
I have my own fan army.
(ECHOING): The Echolaliacs.
Hmm An eye for an eye.
(GASPS) Everyone wins!
- Let's do it.
- Oh, careful
- 'Sup, Books.
Ooh, looks like
you're making a glitter bomb.
Don't be ridicu
(COUGHS) lous.
Look, I know you're part of the army
that's driving dad bananas.
- I want in.
- No way.
You don't believe in the power of music
and weaponizing breakups.
Lisa, I have spent years
thinking of ways to screw with dad,
and they're all right here.
Hmm. Skunk vendors,
atomic whoopee cushions.
This is exactly what we need.
But why would you help us?
Because, for the first time,
you have something I want: an army.
I can finally bring my wildest
prank dreams to life on a grand scale.
Like this. I call it
the Alley Oops.
Okay, as soon as the Fat Lebowski
sticks his fingers in the ball,
they'll be Krazy-Glued in
and he'll bowl himself
down the greased alley
right into the waiting
pool of garbage juice.
The pool's in place.
We drained every dumpster in town.
- Yes!
- Got him.
Whoa. What's happening?
Oh, God! My fingers seem to be
great at bowling.
- (GASPS) He must be on to us.
- Abort!
- Everyone back to HQ.
- Go. - But quietly.
My mom's got an Herbalife thing.

Homer Simpson is now
under the protection of my Echolaliacs.
(ECHOING): Echolaliacs.
(COUGHS) They're smoke bombing us
with her signature scent,
Reverb by Echo.
- KID: My lungs!
Your dad has made an alliance
with the Echo fan army.
Maybe we should leave him alone.
No. We can't back down.
Ashlee isn't just a singer we like.
She's the photo in our locker.
She's our one and only Google Alert.
She's the tattoo I've been designing
for when I turn 18.
We aren't just fans of Ashlee,
we are Ashlee!
ALL: We are Ashlee!
Lis, are you really gonna
whip up these psychos
into a full-fledged fan war?
- Yeah.
- Cool.
You psychos heard my sister. It's war.

The winner is Ashlee Starling.
- (GRUNTS) Yoink!
- BOTH: Oh!
Ew, carrot.
Glitter war is sparkly hell.
Mrs. Simpson,
are you proud of what your husband
- has done to this town?
- No.
The thing I hate most about armies,
fan or otherwise, is the mess.
I love my husband, but I disagree
with him about Ashlee.
I listened to one of her
albums. It was great.
She sure knows which of her
boyfriends were bad for her.
- All of them.
You heard it here first.
Ashlee Starling is great,
but not as great as BTS or their fans,
- who are sane and perfect.
- Mm-hmm.
I got the family size.
This'll make enough
slime to fill his toilet
and his secret toilet.
Maybe we could work in
Tabasco toilet paper.
- Whoa, that's messed-up.
- Thanks. (CHUCKLES)
I'm learning from you. (CHUCKLES)
This has been really great.
Who would have thought that
you and I could connect
- on such a deep level?
- You're out of the group.
- What?!
Yeah. Mackenzie said you weren't
excited enough to meet her dog.
But-but who names their dog Greg?
That's a man name.
And why didn't you stand up for me?
Meh, sheroes before bros.
- I'll tell dad everything.
- If you do,
then I'll show him your
little notebook of pranks.
Dad would be so surprised to
learn that the handsome pills
he's been taking are actually
the dog's heartworm medication.
- Oh
It's the Wingmen!
Ashlee Starling's live-in aerialists.
What? What happened?
Ashlee Starling wants
to have dinner with me.
She sent a dress for me to wear.
Whee! (GRUNTS)
"Hope this fits you, Marge"?
(GASPS) It's for me?
She must have heard
me tell Kent Brockman
that I listened to her song once.
What? I mean
I have been a very dedicated fan
since I was four,
but you you just made one comment.
(LAUGHS) Good for you.
I'm having dinner with a famous person.
(GIGGLES) I'm team Sparrow.
It's Starling!
As a great man once said, "Haw-haw."
I can't believe you're having
dinner with my nemesis,
after all the handsome
pills I take for you.
- That's my ride.
Hello, Marge.
- I'm Ashlee Starling.
- I know.
We hired a look-alike of you
for Lisa's birthday.
You're taller. She had bigger boobs.
Ooh, thank you.
- Ooh, wow!
It's my own line of sparkling whiskey.
Mmm, yum.
Mmm, mmm. (SMACKS LIPS)
Look at your sweet family.
I'm sure your husband
- is perfect.
- (KIDS GROWLING) - Stop it!
Homer is far from perfect.
Really? Tell me everything.
Mmm, ooh.
Ashlee said the funniest
thing at dinner.
No one wants to hear
about your thrilling night
with a vengeful pop diva.
Lisa, sweetie, delight us
with one of your little
stories about how the planet
is choking on plastic.
Don't "sweetie" her.
She's the one behind those Murmur Nation
- attacks on you.
(GASPS) Lisa. Wh
But you're the one kid I had on purpose.
Well, Bart was part of it, too,
and he doesn't even like Ashlee.
He did it just for the
fun of torturing you.
(GASPS) You?
The person I would most suspect?
I never could have seen it coming.
Kids, how could you
do that to your father?
What? You're the worst betrayer of all.
Dad, you should see the
video Ashlee just dropped
after her night of girl talk
with Mom.
- ♪
When we first got together ♪
I didn't see your flaws ♪
But then I saw you
eating ChapStick ♪
And it kind of gave me pause ♪
Your man-boobs you call cha-chis ♪
Your fontanelle that never fused ♪
When I thought that
you were perfect ♪
I must've been confused ♪
And it's hard to ignore it ♪
When you burp-talk in your sleep ♪
you've got athlete's foot ♪
On both of your knees ♪
Whoa, oh ♪
Oh ♪
We had dinner with my sisters ♪
And it turned into a fight ♪
You kept insisting that the Moon ♪
Was just the Sun at night ♪
Seeing you the way they do ♪
Makes me realize ♪
You're far from perfect ♪
When we moved in together ♪
I learned things I never knew ♪
That you sit for number one ♪
But you stand for number two ♪
Not even close, it's kind of gross. ♪
That last one is not true.
I hover
'cause I'm afraid of being flushed.
Oh, my God.
Ashlee took the things I told her
in new-friend confidence
and made it into a bad boyfriend song.
This has been quite the morning.
But I'm most disappointed
in you, Maggie.
Mm? Eh?
Evil triumphs when
good babies do nothing.
I'm leaving.
Homer? What happened? Aw.
I can't believe they
would do this to me.
Hey, could I use
your billion-dollar
entertainment complex
to produce a diss track
to take them all down?
You should be careful with that.
When my dermatologist
wouldn't fly to Japan
to remove a culturally insensitive mole,
I hit him with my single
"Mole Check, Soul Check."
It destroyed him.
Do you want to do that to your family?
No. I love them.
Homer, music isn't just
for dissing people.
Why don't we make a video
that tells your family
how much they hurt you?
An "I've been dissed" track,
- if you will.
- I will.
It's been three days.
Dad's never stayed mad this long.
Maybe we should run the can opener.
He always comes when he hears that.
I tried that already.
we'll start calling theme park jails.
- Homie!
- Dad! - Where you been?
- LISA: Hmm?
- MARGE: Hmm.
One opinionated man ♪
Doesn't stand a chance ♪
- Against an army of tweens ♪
- ECHO: Damn tweens ♪
It's like trying to fight
an angry hill of ants ♪
Flying on the backs ♪
- Of killer bees ♪
- ECHO: Killer bees ♪
HOMER: I don't change ♪
My shorts no more ♪
Glitter bombs inside my ♪
- Undie drawer ♪
- ECHO: Undie drawer ♪
The word
"family" has a bitter ring ♪
ECHO: Bitter ring ♪
HOMER: It's my family who's been ♪
- Glittering ♪
- ECHO: Glittering ♪
It's my family ♪
Breakfast and betrayal.
Pancakes bitter in my mouth,
yet I ate seven.
You sent an army
against those who are me.
You three took.
the opposite of for-give.
Yet, I forgive.
- Marge ♪
- ECHO: You brought joy and dinner to my life ♪
You're still a Fudgie
Whale of a wife ♪
- Even when I do things wrong ♪
- HOMER: I wrong do things!
ECHO: Like pass out on
the lawn at crack of dawn ♪
- HOMER: Bart ♪
- ECHO: This verse goes out to Bartholomew ♪
- HOMER: Why, you little!
- ECHO: When I smell mothballs ♪
Now I think beef stew ♪
Why, you little You ♪
You're kind of cool,
stay in school ♪
- HOMER: Lisa ♪
- ECHO: You don't suffer fools or eat baloney ♪
- HOMER: Mmm, baloney ♪
- ECHO: Just jamming on your brass saxo-ma-phony ♪
You're my little lampshade girl ♪
In white pearls, you're my world ♪
'Cause we ♪
Me, you three and Maggie ♪
Can bring this war down ♪
HOMER: Can bring this war down ♪
ECHO: Can bring this war down,
we, me ♪
You three and Maggie ♪
- Will be okay now ♪
- HOMER: Will be okay now ♪
ECHO: We going to be okay now,
if we ♪
Me, you three and Maggie ♪
- Just stick together ♪
- HOMER: If we just ♪
If we stick together ♪
ECHO: We, me ♪
You three and Maggie could stop ♪
A meltdown ♪
To stop this war,
we don't need a grand gesture.
We don't need to make a stand.
We just need to sit down together.
I'm sorry I betrayed you.
We're all sorry Lisa betrayed you.
ALL: Mm.
LISA: Sorry! Accident.
Forgot where I put them all.
There's probably more.
LISA: That's gonna happen for a while.
- Mr. Simpson,
the Murmur Nation has decided
to stop attacking you.
My video made you think, huh?
No. It was super cringe,
like watching two teachers make out.
I understand.
Been a pleasure doing war with you.
May psychotic super-fandom
always lend meaning
to your otherwise anonymous existence.
- BOY: Hmm.
It's crazy that I believed in someone
so much that I got
swallowed up in groupthink.
I know. So scary.
(GASPS) Oh, my God,
we're late for church!
I'll get nice,
crisp dollars for the donation basket.
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