The Simpsons s34e19 Episode Script

Write Off This Episode

Hey, bettors,
gambling's now legal in every state,
except the lame ones.
But in the sport of sports-betting,
you got to sport-bet responsibly.
So, remember to follow
these three rules.
Stick with the game plan,
unless you're down a lot at halftime.
If you suffer from gambling addiction,
wait until the season is over,
and then call:
Thank you, football.
I almost forgot to bet on the game.
With the Atoms down 42 to zero,
we are officially in garbage time,
Our only viewers left
are degenerate gamblers
who've placed longshot gimmick bets.
You got to lose money to make money.
If either team scores any points,
we'll be eating
name-brand ramen tonight.
Let's go, either team!
Any points! Any points!
As the seconds tick off the clock,
the Molecules are going
for a meaningless field goal
to humiliate the home team.
Yes, yes, humiliate us.
Come on, lucky ring.
You tricked Marge into staying with me,
you can do this.
TV SPORTSCASTER: And the kick is good.
The Atoms lose 45 to zero.
Woo-hoo! You did it, points.
Okay, my ring's got to be
down here somewhere.
Man, I got to get a handyman.
We used to have the greatest guy,
what was his name?
Dave? Darryl?
(GASPS) Is that a ghost?
If so, that means the afterlife is real,
which would free me
from my fear of death.
(GASPS) Please be a ghost.
(GASPS) The ring.
Huh? Another the ring?
(SCREAMS) Polecat!
Okay, little skunk, everything's cool.
I'll just back away calmly,
leave you alone,
and hire someone to kill you.
- (GASPS) More.
- It's a stink of skunks.
Marge, kids,
remember me how I used to smell,
not as the horrible stench
I'm about to become.
I love you all, to varying degrees.
Ooh, my ring. (SCREAMS)
This is my new desert island show.
All right, turn around and spread 'em.
Ow! Oh. (LAUGHS)
Ooh. Ow!
More, please.
Ew, caramba!
Shouldn't you throw those clothes out?
Rather than clean them?
Don't rob me of the one part
of your dad getting
skunk-sprayed I enjoy.
All I need is this pillowcase
and my secret ingredients.
Wow, that took care of the skunk smell
and the Homer smell.
That's amazing, Mom.
How did you learn to do that?
Years of practice.
Your father has brought home
so many different smells.
This bag cleans them all.
Wow, an innovation like this
could really better the lives of people
who don't have access
to washing machines.
Ooh, like the homeless?
You mean unhoused.
I do?
How come all of these
pillowcases are blue?
I think it's from my hair.
Not that I dye my hair.
It's natural. It's just such
a vibrant natural blue that
It's okay, Mom. The blue's a nice touch.
It's a cleaning bag.
You shake your dirty clothes in it,
and they come out fresh.
Oh. Oh, you're already doing it.
Ah, hot diggity.
I can finally get my old job back
as a stock image model
for "man in suit."
Wow, them-there
blue bags are impressive.
Can I give it a try?
That bag of yours finally
cleaned my black hat.
Let me contribute $100 to your cause,
a Texas penny.
So, what's the name of your charity?
Oh, we don't have a charity.
I guess you can make it out to me.
Uh, you see,
this is money I want to deduct
while avoiding capital gains.
So, I can only contribute
to a charitable foundation.
A 501-C-HAW.
(GASPS) We should become
an actual charity.
Think of how many more
people we would help.
Doesn't that involve a lot of paperwork?
You're in luck, little lady.
I got me my accountant right here.
Golly. Here's your articles
of incorporation, ma'am.
What do you want to
call that-there charity?
Hmm Why not call it
the Lisa M. Simpson Foundation.
It was your passion for
change that got us here.
I just threw some powder in a bag.
Here's my charitable deduction.
I mean donation. I mean both.
I love anything that
gets me out of taxes.
No, taxes. I hate taxes,
but I love Texas
'cause folks in Texas love
Texas and hate taxes.
No taxing's what Texans stand for.
We're a charity!
BOTH: Yee-haw!
- Yee-haw.
- Yee-haw, indeed.
I used to ride the rails,
but 'cause of you,
I traded in my bindle for a briefcase.
We're really making a
difference in people's lives.
Even Crazy Cat Lady.
She's giving walking
tours of Springfield now.
Lisa, can you run over to the market
and get some more baking soda?
Wait, we're using
Hand & Armor Baking Soda?
That company is the worst.
They support child labor.
Even some of their top
executives are children.
MARGE: But the smiley hand
on the box is so cute.
Our foundation only
succeeds if we're doing good
every step of the way.
We have to make sure that
every ingredient we use
is ethically sourced,
even if it costs a little more.
Well, I can help with that.
I put the "fun mom"
in the "fundraising thermometer."
(GROANS) Mom puns?
I got to wash that out of my ears.
Okay, while you're raising money,
I'll scour the world for fair-trade,
conflict-free ingredients.
Dad can take me.
Oh, that sounds terrible.
Oh, it's even worse.
I've got a good feeling about
the baking soda manufacturer
at the top of this mountain.
Oh, why can't anything good ever
be at the bottom of a mountain?
Our baking soda is actually
generated through meditation.
Every ten boxes we make,
a new monk reaches enlightenment.
Oh, my God, I finally understand
the plot of Inception.
Now to ponder Tenet.
(SNIFFS) This is the first empty fridge
I've ever liked.
Oh, I'll take it. How much is it?
We don't believe in worldly possessions,
so you won't have any after you buy it.
Show your support
for the Lisa M. Simpson Foundation.
Hey, this corner belongs
to the Salvation Army.
Give me that tin and get out of here.
Unless you'd like to donate blood.
Oh, Marge, that was terrible.
Who knew a religious nonprofit
could be so "holier than thou"?
As a pillar of the community,
a doctor's wife,
I know the secret
to running a successful charity.
Ooh, can you tell it to me?
Even better, I can sing it to you.
Um I'm good, actually
It's time to stop
thinking small ♪
You got to dress up
like an heiress ♪
But what's the point
of this fancy ball? ♪
Why, dear, to raise awareness ♪
Your charity has to stand out ♪
From all the other ones
with their hand out ♪
Sadly, I'm a little squarish ♪
you need to get more garish ♪
There's no better way
to show compassion ♪
Than trotting out
a few Kardashians ♪
Don't mean to sound
like I'm giving orders ♪
But destroy those
Doctors Without Borders ♪
And to really get
your donors givin' ♪
Your charity needs a ribbon ♪
It should be something blue ♪
This one here will do ♪
Get the ribbons everywhere ♪
So there's not a
patch of bareness ♪
Once everyone is sick of it ♪
We've reached peak awareness. ♪
I love our new offices.
Well, it used to be a WeWork space,
then a Theranos lab,
then production offices
for the WeWork and Theranos TV shows.
Those businesses must
have been such successes
to have TV shows made about them.
Is it a little strange that
everyone has to walk through my
office to get to the bathroom?
That's your private bathroom.
(GASPS) A husbandless bathroom?
I won't need a candle.
Our "Feeling Blue" awareness campaign
is really hitting its stride.
Look at all these products
supporting our cause
with our copyrighted shade of blue:
blue shampoo, blue conditioner,
blue shampoo plus conditioner,
and Boo Berry cereal will
be called Blueberry cereal.
LISA: Mom.
Look at all these people.
Our little charity has become big.
Check out our official symbol.
It's the same ribbon we
use to tie the blue bags.
They've become so popular
we've completely run out of ribbons.
So what do you tie the bags with?
Well, we're a little behind
in our bag making,
but we've been doing
something even more important:
raising awareness about our bag making.
This is all very impressive,
but do we really need
a headquarters this big?
Oh, this isn't gonna be
our headquarters.
This is.
How on earth are we paying for that?
With a generous deduction I mean,
I mean, donation
from our Royal Blue level donor:
Mr. Burns.
He is the biggest polluter in town.
Honey, if we don't accept the money,
he'll just give it to someone else,
like the Salvation Army. (GROANS)
We have to return Burns's money.
Return the money?
While you and Dad were tromping
around in the mountains,
I was building an organization
that can make real change happen.
With what? This?
Mom, you're just allowing evil
companies to appear ethical
by slapping our color on their product.
It's bluewashing.
That doesn't help the homeless.
We call them the unhoused.
I call them the unhoused!
Ugh! You've lost sight
of my vision for this charity.
I thought it was our charity.
Well, it's my name on the wall.
Well, it's my hair color.
- It's Clairol's color!
Okay, this clearly got out of hand.
Why don't we take a little breather.
Okay, have we both calmed down?
I don't need to calm down.
I'm your mother.
I think I know you better
than you know yourself.
Oh, you're making my future therapist
so rich right now.
Maybe we should take
a little bit longer of a break.
Same time tomorrow.
Okay, are you better?
Okay, this feels good.
I think that last
break was the clincher.
One more and we get a free sundae.
I have some good news.
The board has decided to promote you
to "The Lisa M. Simpson Foundation
Founder Emeritus."
Wait emeritus?
I know what that means.
You're firing me?
No, we're just
de-responsibilitizing you.
Here's your check.
Would you like to round
up with a donation
to the Lisa M. Simpson Foundation?
No! I never want
to hear that name again.
It's my favorite student,
Lisa M. Simpson.
There, now you got ice cream. Let's go.
Yeah, I heard about what happened.
That I was forced out by my own mother
from the charity we created together?
I've never been fired before.
What am I supposed to do?
You don't know how long
I've been waiting for this.
Finally, I can pass down to my kids
my vast knowledge about
what I'm truly amazing at:
- being canned.
- Really?
Oh, being fired is
basically my job these days.
In fact, I was fired yesterday
because of all the time I took
looking for ingredients with you.
(SCOFFS) At least you don't
have to live in the same house
as the jerk who fired you.
Ah, anger.
The first stage in the five
stages of getting fired.
Oh, so there's a process to this?
What's stage two?
Pretending you still have a job.
MARGE: Homer,
can you take out the garbage?
Oh, sorry, honey.
I'm late for work. Let's go.
So, how long do we have to
sit in this coffee shop?
Until my boss realizes he
made a huge mistake firing me
and begs me to come back,
but instead I pour macaroni salad
into his sunroof.
Wasn't anger stage one?
That was righteous anger.
This is misdirected anger! (GRUNTS)
Ah, stage three.
Hi, Lisa.
I see you're still on the couch.
How you doing?
I'd be doing a lot better
if you moved that body
I "ruined in childbirth."
- I ruined it first. (SLURPS)
Lisa and I aren't supposed to
have doomsday fights like this
until she's 14.
She always was precocious. (SIGHS) Oh
Now all she does is
lie around watching TV.
That's stage four:
"glowering without showering."
But don't worry,
we're almost at stage five:
"reluctant acceptance."
You'll have your daughter back,
and I won't have to
keep making up stages.
Hey, Mom, I wanted to say
you worked so hard to make our charity
a successful organization.
And then I came in criticizing it
and making you feel bad. I'm sorry.
Oh, sweetie.
Mm, mm.
So, I'll see you at the grand opening
of the Lisa M. Simpson
Foundation Headquarters tonight?
Of course.
I'm proud of you, honey.
You're now ready for stage six:
buy podcasting equipment
but never unbox it.
And we successfully
sued Pabst Blue Ribbon
for using our trademark symbol.
From now on, they'll be known
as Pabst Teal Fabric Bow.
Our awareness is at an all-time high.
That's great.
I guess now we can put our efforts
into helping people on the streets.
As the wife of a surgeon,
I'm all about helping people,
but we're a mega-successful nonprofit,
not some charity.
As the wife of a radiologist, I agree.
But what about all the big donations
I mean deductions we got from companies
for letting them put our
logo on their products?
Marge, we didn't get money for that.
The companies paid us in awareness.
But when do we start helping people?
My wife's a dermatologist.
Oh, God, Lisa was right.
We have been bluewashing.
I don't deserve to walk
on the blue carpet.
Take me around back.
Mm, all this opulence
is making me queasy.
Oh, Lisa, queasiness
is just hunger in disguise,
like how a hangover means
you should drink more.
Okay, boy, what's your intel
on the passed app situation?
We got mini quiches on our six
and ahi tuna cones at ten and two.
Fan out,
and don't fall for the bruschetta.
It's a trap to fill you up.
It's an honor to be
your chicken wing man.

Gil? What are you doing here?
I thought our blue bag
turned your life around.
Ah, well, it did, for a bit,
but then they demolished
the low-income housing I
was living in to build that.
Now ol' Gil is homeless.
You mean unhoused?
I'm living in a tent on a sidewalk
and people yell at me for it every day.
I can call it whatever I want.
And here's the CEO of the
Lisa M. Simpson Foundation,
Marge Simpson.
I would like to thank
all of you for coming.
Actually, I would like to
judge all of you for coming.
- Huh?
This charity was supposed
to help the homeless.
Instead, we evicted people to build
this extravagant headquarters,
creating more homelessness.
More homeless on the street
will help raise awareness.
I'm done with raising awareness
and with raising money
and with razing low-income housing.
It's time to turn the
Lisa M. Simpson Foundation
over to the one person
who knew how to run it right all along,
Lisa Simpson.
Lisa Simpson's a real person?
Thanks, Mom.
As co-head of this organization,
I'm turning this building into a shelter
- for the unhoused.
Marge, you have to shut this down.
No, I have to open this up.
(GASPS) They don't
know which fork to use.
She's wearing a dress I gave away.
(BLUBBERS) That's the man I had
in my windshield for a night.
Enough of this do-goodery.
Open your eyes, rich people.
We're not here to help
the less fortunate,
we're here to bask in our fortunateness.
If we really wanted
to make a difference,
we'd do the one thing we've
spent our lives avoiding,
paying our taxes.
Then one organization, "the government,"
could tackle all of society's ills,
instead of leaving it
to 1.5 million separate
ego-driven micro-bureaucracies
called "charities,"
get a load of this scam religions.
But no one here wants the rational way.
We all want the United Way
because that's the American way.
Now, I paid $10,000 for this table.
I'm taking it with me.
Thank you, Mom.
You did something really great tonight.
Now, let's turn this building
over to the homeless.
Yes. We just need to get this notarized.
- Ow!
Mmm. (MOANS)
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