The Simpsons s35e06 Episode Script

Iron Marge

May I sample the mango mayhem?
Now you're gonna scream for ice cream,
John Wick four!
Actually, it's
The violence mom won't
let me watch is the best.
Damn it!
Live violence!
[MARGE] Homie, wake up.
There's been a car crash!
[YAWNS] What's happening?
There's been an accident!
Ooh, let's go gawk!
- Yeah! [GIGGLES]
Marge, are you using a
charger cord as a robe belt?
Uh, well, I lost my belt
and Bart lost this phone, so
What's that mark on your sleeve?
I used it as an oven mitt.
My Milhouse buys me a
new robe every Christmas.
Ralphie bought me this Chenille beauty
with his tooth fairy money.
Don't you like any of the
robes your kids bought you?
They've never bought me a robe.
- The quintessential mom gift!
- [GASPS] - Un-frigging-believable.
My kids give me homemade gifts,
like hand turkeys
and macaroni-covered
[STAMMERS] stuff.
Sounds like they're just giving
you their art class crap.
Feel this.
I like the thoughtful,
artistic gifts my kids
[GASPS] Oh, my God, that's plush!
[GASPS] My robe is fine.
It's just a little worn in spots.
Uh, one big spot in the back.
Aah! The top of my crack!
[GASPS] Oh! Here! Come here!
Ooh! Mm.

It's magical.
But it smells like burning flip-flops.
[GASPS] Ow! My flip-flops!
Careful! Live wire on the ground!
Whoa. Thank you, Homer.
Aw, you da man.
Did you hear that?
Kirk said I was da man.
I mean, it sounded stupid,
the way he said it, but still
Well, uh, if you want to be
"da man" for everybody,
you should post a warning about
that live wire on alarmist.
It's this app that alerts
neighbors to local dangers.
Downloading now.
[LENNY] You film dangerous
stuff and post it.
You know, traffic accidents,
nighttime animals out during the day.
Uh, hello. This is Homer Simpson.
Username, uh
the simp.
There's a live wire sparking
on Evergreen Terrace.
Risk of electrocution,

A thousand percent?
My baby could've played with that wire!
He ain't born, but he's 'bout to be.
you're now part of the Alarmy Army.
Hey, I can barely read my
name without my cheaters.
How do I get a bigger
font like these guys?
Um, those are
the top alarmers on the app.
You want your name in
a readable font size?
You better learn how to spread fear.
I'll do it.
I'll get to the top of this leaderboard
if it's the most
useless thing I ever do!
Bart, we need to talk about
mom's birthday present.
Finishing it as we speak.
Uh, it might be time to
retire the pasta art genre.
What? In my vital bucatini phase?
You heard what those judgy
women said about our presents.
We need to buy mom a present this year.
Where are we gonna get money?
Otto stopped paying for clean urine.
Hmm. Mr. Flanders is generous.
I've sold him so many
magazine subscriptions.
Why Cat Fancy?
His cat isn't even that fancy.
Yo, Flan-man.
We're trying to make some scratch
for our mom's birthday gift.
You need any help cleaning this mess up?
Sorry. I always keep my grass trimmed.
You know the old saying
"the lawn is the mustache of the house."
Aw, we get it.
We just thought Mom
deserved something nice.
But if you don't think so,
mm, that's cool.
Now, well, hold on!
If, uh, you clean those two
leaves on my sidewalk up,
I'll give you
- Both leaves?
- Ow!
- Deal.
This store has everything.
This will make Mom feel cozy and loved.
And it'll put a sock in the
yaps of those gossipy hens.
I'm gonna ignore the problematic "hens"
because I support the sentiment.
- Whoa.
- Whoa.
Is it a toy?
Yes. But it's also
It's got a pen that's
actually a tape recorder,
an eavesdropping device that
lets you hear conversations
from miles away.
And when you get in a tight spot,
sour gummy cyanide capsules!
This could change everything.
Deep down, I know I'm the dingus!
Give me your lunch money
or the whole playground
hears you blubber.
You, too, bow tie.
The eavesdropper could be so useful.
Okay, the meeting of the Cool
Girls has been called to order.
It's been decided that
the new cool thing
is to wear earmuffs in warm weather,
so don't tell any randos
- Hey, guys!
[GASPS] Now Lisa's cool, too!
And there's nothing we can do about it!
Cry, Sherri, cry.
Okay, just thinking out loud
this kit is the same
price as the robe
[GASPS] Are you suggesting
- that we
- You know I am!
[SIGHS] Say yes. Come on, Lis.
I need two keys to launch this missile.
Mom has never really been a gift person.
True. She's more into stuff like hugs
and seeing us happy!
But we can't just buy a spy
kit for us and nothing for mom.
Bart, we can't do this.
Would you like to apply
for a Bullseye credit card?
I'm eight.
Yeah, you won't get it.
But if you apply,
you get a free Bullseye
ironing board cover.
[GASPS] We could buy the spy kit
and give Mom the ironing board cover!
That's like giving her a
whole new ironing board!
Give me an application!
We'll give her two ironing board covers!
[GROUP] Happy birthday ♪
To you! ♪
Uh, open my present first.
I got to hit the streets.
I have citizens to alarm.
Another charm for my charm bracelet!
That bracelet was the
smartest investment ever.
No matter what the occasion,
I always know what you need
another charm.
You know me so well.
I better after however many years.
Open mine next!
Oh. An ironing board cover.
Yeah, 'cause, you know, you iron.
I sure do.
Open mine. It's in the Bullseye bag!
Hmm. Such clever wrapping. [CHUCKLES]
Ah, it's another ironing board cover.
What do you get for the woman
who has only one ironing board cover?
Thank you. Both of you.
I love them.
I got to hit the road.
If I find just three more
things to warn people about,
I'll move ahead of Cautionary
Gale and Cry Wolfcastle
on the leaderboard.
We'll help clean up!
- No! I'll do it.
You guys have done so much for me.
Enjoying your present, huh?
- Don't play with it all day!
We'll know soon enough
who broke this va
[BART] Yellow Sparrow,
this is Slingshot.
Prepare for face-to-face discussion.
Roger that. Face is prepared.
This spy kit is great!
All the secrets of this
house are being laid bare.
And Mom loves her present.
She can't stop muttering about it.
We rule. Over.
Roger that. Over.
Inappropriate billboard
near Noiseland Arcade.
Guaranteed danger of corruption.
Keep children away!
- Hmm. Whoa, whoa.
Thanks for warning us about
the vulgar wordplay, Simp!
"Itch, please."
Wait, I get it!
"Itch" rhymes with "bi"
Uh, Mom hates that word. Trust me.
One more post and I'll be top five.
Religious fanatic running through town.
Possibly from murder scene.
Avoid outdoors.
- I did it.
- Fanatic!
I'm number five!
I'm better than everyone!

- [FRINK] Uh-uh-uh. Your name is not "Frink."
You are "Frink's monster," you see?
[FRINK] No, Frink's monster is sad!
What is wrong with you?!
[MOE] All right, one of youse
rats has been eating pool chalk
and leaving chalky pellets
all over the place.
No, no, don't look at each other!
Look at me! Hey! Steve!
- [FLANDERS] Oh, hey, Marge.
- [MARGE] Hi, Ned.
- Ooh, that's Mom!
What a party yesterday.
I don't usually take
my water on the rocks.
I was buzzing all night.
Yeah. It was fun.
- [LISA] Oh.
Whoa. I didn't mean to
bring on a peeper-puddle.
What's wrong?
[MARGE] It's silly. I-I'm embarrassed
that my feelings were hurt
by a stupid birthday gift.
[FLANDERS] Oh, now,
feelings aren't stupid.
Some of them are evil,
but they're not stupid.
It's just on my one day,
I'm barely an afterthought.
It's like they don't
think of me as a person.
I don't get it. Why is she so sad?
Bart, she's feeling unseen.
What? I always see her.
She's in my phone
contacts three times
under "Mom," "Mommy" and "Sandwich."
She does so many things
that we take for granted.
Imagine how we would feel if she
half-tushied our birthdays.
What? I'd be fine if she only
We suck. Over.
Roger that. Over.
As of this morning,
I am number one on the
leaderboard of the Alarmist app.
[GASPS] Look at that!
What? The broken sprinkler?
We need to warn people!
It could cause a sinkhole
or activate a Gremlin!
This is your number one Alarmy
with a warning that a geyser
of water is pouring onto
- Wha?
Hey! Someone named Silver
Bullet already reported a
"vertical tsunami at the park."
Whoa! That's good mongering.
I got scooped?
Silver Bullet is now Alarmy number one.
What?! Who is this guy?
Those fat fingers are too
slow for the Silver Bullet!
Silver Bullet, your days are numbered!
Tell me something my doctor hasn't.
You smell like old lady.
So do you.
I smell like a lot of things.
We have to get Mom a new present.
Something meaningful.
So, let's make a list of
everything we know about Mom.
Yes. Great idea.
Hmm. Her first name
is actually Margaret.
Good. Write that down.
Ooh, I know.
She loves coming to my jazz recitals.
Uh, no, she doesn't.
She hides a copy of People
magazine in the program.
Oh. Ugh!
Why is this so hard?
We should know the woman
who gave birth to us.
Maybe she's unknowable.
What if we just give her the spy kit
and breakfast in bed
for the rest of her life?
Or, you know that trunk
where Mom keeps all
her memories and stuff?
What if we use the spy
kit to break into it?
Ooh, welcome to the dark side.

[LISA] Huh.
[GASPS] Here we are.
I don't know if these lock-picking tools
are even going to work.
I mean, this is just a toy [GASPS]
Oh. Now I'm concerned about
those gummy cyanide capsules.
Mom's birth announcement.
Oh, her name is Marjorie, not Margaret.
We officially know nothing about her.
Mom had a parrot named Petey?
Oh, they were best friends,
like me and Santa's little helper.
- Not now, boy. Busy.
[GASPS] Look at this one.
[BART] Oh, Mom's parents
must've given Petey away.
Hey, we just learned
something about her.
Grandma was a jerk-ass.
Wait. Parrots live for, like, 80 years.
Maybe we could find Petey,
and then reunite Mom
with her long-lost friend.
That would be like getting her a robe
that tells you it wants crackers.
How do we find this lady?
[LISA] Well, we need to go
to North Townsburg.
Oh, that place is sketchy.
Milhouse's dad was a sign
spinner for a meth clinic there.
But let's do it, for Mar-ge-dy!
- Marjorie.
- Whatever.
Oh, Townsburg is three hours away?!
I'll just kick the seat in front of me
until that little screw falls out.
That is so rude.
Well, you have to get closer
to the screw, like this.
Oh, this place is depressing.
Isn't that the corner
where Nic Cage went crazy?
Yep. There's the statue.
[GASPS] There's the mechanic's shop.
Let's do this.
Hey, grease stains, seen this bird?
Yeah, I remember him.
That's Krista's bird.
He in some kind of trouble?
We'll ask the questions.
What's the skinny on
this Krista character?
Well, she owns the craft store
down the block.
She also sells liquor and weed.
- Let's go.
- Don't leave town.
But my niece's wedding is tomorrow.
I said don't leave town.
Fine. Hey, Shirl, it's Vince.
I can't make it.
I don't know, some kid
told me I can't leave town.
I've got to get back to
being Alarmy number one.
Gotta warn people about something.
[GASPS] Death from above.
Falling branches in Springfield park!
- Stay away.
- We have to get out of here!
- I did it.
I'm Alarmy number one!
Not for long, you toad-faced beanbag.
I will cut you into tiny pieces
like my son's pancakes.
I'm going to eat you up and crap you out
like my son's pancakes.
The air at Springfield
park is full of pollen.
Individuals with lungs
should avoid the area.
Lifeless bodies at the park.
Possible gas leak.
Demented man throwing
objects at the duck pond.
Chemical air attack at the play yard.
UFOs hovering over picnic area.
String-guided dragons,
most likely time travelers attack
I saw the kites first, ya big galoot!
What happened?
The earth couldn't
support your giant ass.
Maybe Satan heard your voice
and decided to fast-track you to hell.
Okay, we both got one in.
How are we getting out of this sinkhole?
I dropped my phone. Do you have yours?
No. Just start shouting.
Someone will hear us.
- Help!
- Down here!
Save me, not her!
[GIRL] Hurry, the dragons are coming!
Oh, yeah, Petey. He was smart as a whip.
Could imitate anything:
political figures of the day,
the "you lose" horn from Price is Right.
So many times I thought contestants lost
when they hadn't.
Why are you talking about
him in the past tense?
Oh, I left his cage open by
mistake and he flew away.
Last I heard,
he joined a flock of wild parrots.
Oh. I guess we came all
this way for nothing.
Stay in town.
But my daughter's wedding is
[SIGHS] Shirl? Bad news.
We failed Mom again.
We are losers.
Bart, it's Petey!
How can we lure him down here?
Uh, uh, I've got it.
are you secretly recording me?
I'm on hold to talk
about our water bill.
I'm sorry, no, I'm not talking to you.
I'm talking to my annoying son.
- Yes!
- Got him!
[PETEY] Annoying son. [SQUAWKS]
[AGNES] Hello?!
Can't any of you idiots hear us?!
There's no one to save us.
We scared everyone away.
- Isn't that ironic?
- I guess.
No, I'm asking.
I don't know what ironic means.
Why did we get so crazy?
I was doing a public service.
I warned everyone that broken sprinkler
would cause a sinkhole.
Bull-scat. You were trying
to move up the leaderboard.
- We both were.
- Now we're stuck down here.
[SIGHS] I miss the surface world.
Hey, you gotta share that!
We both need strength
to fight off chuds.
Hell no. My Werther's, my choice.
Yeah, yeah, you got candy in there.
Stop showing off.
Are you choking? Hang on, I'll save you.
Wait, is this irony?
Ow. Ow! Okay, I'm doing it.
[GASPS] I can breathe!
instead of mongering fear,
you mongered
Life itself.
- Thank you.
This is the feeling I was after.
Not some stupid leaderboard.
I'm gonna help you get out of here.
Step in my hands, I'll boost you up.
Oh, there's so much to grab on to.
I'll tell everyone you're down there.
Which will make me Alarmy number one.
Suck it!
Hairless ground hippo stuck in sinkhole.
She's horrible.
Mom, we have one more
birthday surprise for you.
Oh. Really?
We tracked down your best friend.
- Petey?
- Petey?
How-how is this happening?
How is this happening?!
How is this happening?!
How is this happening?!
Aah! Get it off!
Get it off before he oh!
- Ew.
- Ugh.
- Ow! Ow!
- [LISA] Bart, do something!
Sorry. We thought he loved you.
This is how he shows love.
By grooming me and regurgitating on me.
I could never have friends over,
he was so possessive.
So why did you even get him?
I didn't. I wanted a kitten.
Our neighbor was giving
away their parrot.
Since Petey can meow,
my dad decided he was close enough.
[PETEY] Meow.
- You're nothing like a kitten!
Don't worry,
we'll take him back to Townsburg.
He's part of a wild flock there.
You went all the way to Townsburg?
We wanted to get you
something, you know,
personal for your birthday.
Yeah. We did not make
friends on the bus ride home.
Petey is kind of racist.
Well, that's just [CRYING]
We're sorry.
We didn't mean to re-traumatize you
with your childhood nightmare bird.
My wonderful babies!
You went to all that trouble for me.
I wasn't an afterthought,
I was a thought.
Well, yeah, 'cause you know,
we see you as a person.
We really do. Our favorite person.
Oh, that is so
- Ow!
You little
Who wants to help mommy
abandon Petey in Townsburg?
[BOTH] We do!
Marge, what a beautiful robe.
Is that Terry cloth?
French Terry,
from the Terry province of France.
My kids got it for me.
I just threw it on to
see what that noise was.
I think it came from over there.
Look at the fullness in that sleeve.
What was that sound?
I don't see anything.
Well, it's a mystery. We may never know.
- Look at how it moves.
- Poetry in fabric.
You better work.
Mission accomplished. Over.
[BOTH] Roger that. Over.
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