The Simpsons s35e15 Episode Script

Cremains of the Day

I really hope you chumps are happy,
'cause I had to open up
at 6:00 a.m. here.
Thank you, Moe.
And thank you, pro football,
for playing your worst games
every year in London.
Yeah, the games start so early,
now we can spend Sunday
morning as God intended
not in church!
And still drunk from last night.
back to Wembley Stadium
where the score at the interval
is Jacksonville Jaguars 25,
Buffalo Williams nil.
Oh, boy,
I got 100 quid on the Jag-u-ars,
and I don't even know how much that is.
I'm Buffalo all the way.
Ten bob, six shillings, baby.
You know,
I've dabbled in a lot of anonymouses
but never gambling.
I always thought betting
was for class acts,
like, uh, James Bond or Pete Rose
or Secretariat.
Why don't you give it a try, Moseph?
Yeah, make one little bet
on the next game.
It's harmless fun.
Uh, uh, all right,
I guess I could bet a buck.
That's nothing to get
too worked up about.
[HOMER] The walrus has his own money.
[ANNOUNCER] And we are
underway here in Baltimore,
as the Ravens take on the Detroit Lions.
Beautiful day for football.
and Detroit scores!
- Baltimore ties it up!
Detroit kick is good.
Touchdown Baltimore!
and Detroit is coming back.
Baltimore retakes the lead.
Man, this game could go either way.
Detroit player injured.
Baltimore just might pull it out.
Oh, my God, I'm gonna win!
Turns out I was a winner all my life.
[ANNOUNCER] Oh, but what's this?
Detroit scores a last-second safety
and the Lions are victorious.
De-who scores an un-what and
the wheres are wha-torious?
Geez. Tough luck, Moe.
- You lost.
- Damn you, Balty-more!
You crab-infested Edgar
Allan Poe-munchers!
Uh, calm down, Moe.
It was just a dollar.
To you it was just a dollar!
To me it was a whole simoleon!
All right?!
Get the hell out of here! All of youse!
- Bar's closed!
- [HOMER] We're leaving!
- You, too, Slumpo!
I don't like the sound of that squish.
Guys, I think Larry's
I don't know why we had to come here.
Funerals are stupid.
You're all excused from coming to mine.
Good. I had something that day anyway.
[QUIETLY] I didn't
have anything that day.
Homie, you have to pay your respects.
You spent more time with Larry
than your own kids.
That's not true at all.
Who's my best friend?
What's my favorite subject?
Who do I admire most in the world?
How old am I? And what color's my bike?
Pass. Pass. Crackle from Snap,
Crackle, and Pop.
Pass. And trick question
you have a skateboard.
Huh. I'm strangely
comforted by the passes.
[MARGE] Wow, light turnout.
I'm so glad you guys could make it.
How could we not?
Larry was around.
So we just throw some money
into this tip jar here?
What's the right amount? One? Five?
- One?
- This is gonna take a while.
Want to crash a few funerals?
Eh, I'm already wearing a dress.
[SEA CAPTAIN] So as you sail alone
'cross the wine-dark seas of eternity,
you shall remain evermore in our hearts.
Yarr-I-P, my feathered friend.
You always said that you
wanted one of these, Polly.
And now you have one.
Arr! Arr!
[CHUCKLES] Check me out, Lis!
I'm bearing pall!
Aunt Eunice, you saw us through so much,
triumph and sorrow,
and it's a comfort to know
that you died at 92
of natural causes.
Natural causes?
She clearly died from the vaccine!
You shut up, Robert F. Quimby Jr.!
You're an embarrassment to this family.
And that's saying a lot!
Sorry I'm late. Uh
[QUIETLY] Who are we doing today?
A sad, balding drunk
- who hung out at Moe's.
- Got it.
Homer Simpson was a beloved
pillar of this community.
He thinks you died.
Do something.
Why? He's saying nice things.
You never call me a pillar.
- He's not?
Are you sure?
Uh anyhoo,
and now a few words from Larry's mother,
Iris Dalrymple.
Well, my Lawrence always
talked about his best friends,
the fellows at Moe's Tavern.
It would warm my heart if they came up
and shared fond memories of my son.
[QUIETLY] I'm not talking. You talk.
- I didn't know him.
- No one did.
Your stool was closest.
Perhaps one of you could talk
about Larry's love of fishing.
Uh, uh, one time,
we went to this great fishing lake.
Lake Fish.
Oh, yeah. Fish Lake was full of
You know who always
caught the biggest fish?
Who? Who?
I-I, uh I want to say Larry?
[CHUCKLES] Big Fish Larry.
Oh, yeah. Larry, indeed.
[LENNY] Watch out, fish!
What a true story.
- Oof.
- Why did you never take the time
to get to know this man?
Hey, at least we came, huh?
Hey, Barney totally blew this off.
Said he had something
more important to do.
Eh, selfish jerk.
Marge, Larry just didn't
fit into our band of bros.
The four of us are closer than close.
Yeah, we're like
the Sex and the City broads,
except, uh, super gross.
Yeah, Larry just
wasn't part of our deal.
Because you never asked him to be.
All he ever wanted was a
simple human connection.
But, instead, he died unloved in a bar.
Ah ♪
Look at all the lonely barflies ♪
Ah ♪
Look at all the lonely barflies ♪
Larry the barfly sat
at a stool every night ♪
And he ordered a beer ♪
Shedding a tear ♪
Look at him eating ♪
Checking his phone all alone ♪
As he sits with his pain ♪
Chicken chow mein ♪
All the lonely Larrys ♪
They all come to an end ♪
All the lonely Larrys ♪
Forgotten by their friends. ♪
Is it possible we're terrible people?
Yes, but the one I'm really
disappointed in is
- Lenny.
- What?
You just always struck me as a
sensitive guy with a good heart.
I did?
I'm so sorry to interrupt, gentlemen,
but I found this in my son's room.
It's all five of us.
Hey, it kind of looks like we're
in front of Serenity Falls.
I know. We should all take
Larry's ashes there, together.
- It's the sensitive thing to do.
[GASPS] That's a wonderful idea.
I can't go to Serenity Falls.
It sounds stressful!
And I
love stress?
[LENNY] The four amigos are on the road!
Or should I say "five"?
All the lonely barflies ♪
Confronting mortal dread ♪
Their souls in need of searching ♪
They booze it up instead. ♪
See, Larry? We're not so bad.
We're taking you to your special place,
Serenity Falls.
Let's get this over with.
I got a big date with my girl.
Naima's taking me to see the
reunited Kool & the Gang.
Didn't she date one of the Gang?
One of?
She dated Kool.
- Whoa! Kool!
- Wow! - Ooh.
We spent a million hours with this guy,
but he never felt like one of us.
He was a drunk,
and we're just social drinkers
who also drink alone.
Two different worlds.
I just hope that if Larry
knew we were doing this,
it would make him happy.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah, as happy as Naima
when she was dishing it out
to Kool, huh?
- Would you shut up?!
- Sorry, sorry.
Hey, let's listen to some music, huh?
Get your mind off of, uh
you know, things.
- Get down on it ♪
Get down on it ♪
Could you turn off the light?
And leave Larry all alone in the dark?
[CHUCKLES] Can you believe this guy?
Larry's not here!
He's dead!
His ghost is here.
Aw, come on, Lenny.
Ghosts ain't real, huh?
Yes, they are.
I believe that Larry's ghost
is hovering above us,
blowing out birthday candles,
helping figure skaters land their jumps
and cooling down hot soup with
his icy cold ghost finger.
Lenny, Lenny, Lenny.
Everybody knows that when you die,
your soul becomes cosmic energy,
until your consciousness is reborn
as a creature that befits
your metaphysical station,
be it mighty moose
or a proud paramecium.
Shut your traps, you deluded freaks.
Here's the deal when you croak,
it's just a sad, silent void.
And it's not even a regular nothin'.
It's an absence of everything, huh?
Where no matter how hard you think,
you can't imagine how nothin' it is.
Like that abandoned mall
where the JC Pennys
is full of bears?
[SCOFFS] You're all wrong.
Why have questions
when we have the Bible?
I didn't serve
20 years to life in church
not to cash in on those
frequent prayer miles.
I can't wait till I die
so I can slide in next to Larry
and eat buffalo angel
wings for all eternity
without a celery stick in sight.
- Ghosts.
- Void.
- Space moose.
- Wings.
Don't listen to them, ghost Larry.
First pee of the day.
Let's make it count.
[YELPS] Larry, get back in your jar.
What the hell is this?
And this, and this.
What parts of Larry were these?
Hey, Homer, what you doing down there?
Sweet Tabasco Sally,
is thems what I think thems is?
Larry's ashes were full of them.
What gives?
Larry must have had these Smurf-stones
crammed up his wazoo
when they crematized him.
He must have been moving stolen gems
across the northern border
by stuffing them up
his southern pass. [LAUGHS]
All I knows is Larry is dead,
and we are rich.
Oh, my God, you're right.
We gotta tell Lenny and Carl.
Uh, uh, real quick sidebar.
Um, do we really want to bother
our gentlemen friends
with this here, uh,
gemalogical situation?
- Why wouldn't we?
- Aw, bless your heart.
But whatever money these
corpse jewels yield,
we'd be crazy to split it four ways.
Look, you and me need this money
way more than Lenny and Carl, all right?
You got an expensive trophy wife
and, like, a thousand crazy kids.
And all I got is a crummy bar
full of toxic black mold.
What? [COUGHS]
I guess I do have a lot
of financial burdens.
- [CARL] Hey, open up.
I gotta record my gum depth.
Two, two, two, three, two
Okay, getting ready
to lie to our friends.
And showtime!
Good morning, dearest Carlton.
I know what's going on in here.
- I, um
- Uh, uh
You guys were getting up early
to use the two free
continental breakfast vouchers
without us.
Well, we're using 'em. Me and Larry.
Don't worry, we'll get our chance.
Wait a sec,
this ain't the road to the Falls.
Yeah, I took the scenic route.
I thought Larry would appreciate
seeing those wildflowers.
Guess who planted those.
Lady Bird Johnson.
What the hell, Lenny?
You know I gotta get back
to save my lady
from the clutches of Kool and the Gang.
I thought you weren't worried.
Of course I'm worried.
They won the 2014 Soul Train
Music Legend award.
- Now let's get back on the highway.
- [GRUNTS] Give it!
- Phew.
I'm sorry, Carl.
I'll get back on the highway.
No. You go however you want.
Let's do right by Larry.
- [BOTH] Larry!
- [HOMER AND MOE] Our secret gems!
Nothing to see here, huh?
Just, uh, crystalized Larry chunks.
[WHISPERING] Gems. Gems, gems, gems.
Gems. Gems, gems. Precious gems.
There were sapphires in Larry's urn?
And you knew?
Look, guys, we can explain. You see
Homer talked me into screwing youse over
so we could keep them gems
all for ourselves, all right?
- [BOTH] What?
- You liar!
[SHERIFF] Hands up.
Back away from the urn.
Y'all are under arrest for violating
section 545 of the U.S. commerce code:
jewel smuggling.
Y'all get in the frunk.
[HOMER] Oh, "front trunk." Frunk.
Now I get it.
- [LENNY] Oh.
[LENNY] I'm not going to jail
'cause you two were gem smuggling.
It's worse than that, dummy.
Homer and Moe weren't
gonna tell us about
the sapphires they found
in the Larry crumbs.
I wanted to tell you,
but Homer threatened
to set my bar on fire.
What? You told me
to keep the gems a secret,
and I only listened to you
because I'm highly suggestable.
- No, you're not.
- You're right, I'm not.
Who cares?
All I know is we were the victims
of an A-1 screw job.
This is the worst thing
you guys have ever done.
Oh. yeah, Carl?
Well, what about when you
won a year's supply
of Old El Paso taco kits,
and never invited me over?
You won that contest?
I wrote the taco poem.
You must have submitted it as yours.
Maybe I just got tired
of hearing your voice
that sounds like a duck
with a sinus infection.
"The box contains seasoning
and five broken shells.
You and your family buy everything else.
Old El Paso."
He does sound like a duck.
Now I'll never not hear it.
You knew broken shells are my thing.
Is this what we're like
when we're sober?
We're nothing like the
Sex and the City broads.
You take us out of that bar,
and what's holding us together?
And to think all Larry
wanted out of life
was to be part of this friend group.
What a dumb dead chump.
[SHERIFF] Hey, boss, I found the idiots
who took Larry's last haul.
They're just a bunch of losers
that hate each other. Heh.
It's all taken care of.
Excellent work, Mickey No-Loose-Ends.
So what you want me to do with them?
Mm, let them go.
They know nothing.
Got it. No loose ends.
Ugh, I gotta pay more
attention to the nicknames
when I hire these guys.
Now, can you go
pick up Connie at the airport,
Bruno Wife-Banger?
Hey, with pleasure.
[SHERIFF] No loose ends.
This psycho ain't a sheriff.
He's a psycho!
Oh, and we're his loose ends.
We're all gonna die.
Oh, what if Lenny's right,
and we're all gonna be ghosts?
What if Moe is right,
and it's just a void?
Incomprehensible nothing.
I don't think I could handle that.
No, no, no, Homer's heaven
makes sense to me now.
Hey, Lord,
I repent everything I ever done.
That he knows about. Heh, heh, heh.
Guys, I think Carl's
stupid energy crap is real,
and I'm totally coming back
as one of those koalas
with an STD.
Hey, hey, look at this.
I could blast him when
he opens the frunk.
- That flare gun. Flare gun will save us.
Time to get out. Whoa!
Eat flare, jerk.
Nobody move.
As long as our weight is balanced,
we're not going over.
Although, if one of us jumped out,
that person would save themselves,
and everyone else would die.
So any one of us could save themselves
and doom the rest?
[ALL] No!
Our only hope is to jump out
at the exact same time.
Either we all survive,
or we all find out
what the afterlife is
Unless it's the void, in which case
we won't find out nothin'.
Okay, on three.
One, two
[ALL] Three!
- Yay, we did it.
- Whoo!
You don't jump on three.
You jump on "go."
One, two, three, go.
The three is the go.
[SHOUTING] Agree to disagree
I probably should leave, but I can't.
Got to make sure there's no [GRUNTS]
loose ends.

- Larry?
- It can't be.
It's another urn.
What happened?
Ow. Oh
Larry saved your life.
Wow, these electric cars
even explode quiet.
And look,
we're right here at Serenity Falls.
Larry's special place.
Wait, this don't look the same at all.
This whole stupid trip
where we were driven apart,
and then came back together
with a much deeper bond,
was for nothing.
Oh, my God, guys, I think I know
where Larry really wanted us
to take his death dust
and bone chunks.
Cherish the love we have ♪
We should cherish
the life we live ♪
Oh ♪
Welcome home, Larry.
Enjoy your special place.
It's too bad we lost those sapphires.
I guess they fell out of the urn.
Yeah, it's a real mystery.
Heh, heh, heh. Ow.
Cherish the love we have ♪
For as long as we
both shall live ♪
Ooh ♪
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