The Sopranos s04e11 Episode Script

Calling All Cars

And now, the news.
You wanna take it for a test drive? Last week we talked about you feeling like the sad clown.
What's going on now? Well, I had a dream the other night I was riding in a Cadillac, like my father used to have.
Carmela was driving, and I was in the back passenger seat.
Sitting next to me was Gloria.
In front of me, sitting next to Carmela, was a business associate of mine.
He's the one whose son had the accident.
I don't know where we were going.
No place.
'Cause we never seemed to get anywhere.
Kinda like this therapy.
And it was hot in the car, it was stuffy.
There was no air-conditioning.
That's all of it.
Oh, and my friend had a caterpillar on his head.
It turned into a butterfly.
Has your friend recently changed? Not a friend.
Associate.
- And no.
- What do you think the dream means? Can't you tell me what the fucking thing means? I mean, you obviously know.
Why do we have to go through this exercise every time? I don't obviously know.
I didn't have the dream.
The meaning is elicited through verbalization.
And the gehoxtahagen is framed up by the ramistan.
Okay.
Your wife your mistress, a business associate, you all in the same car.
- Your father's car.
- With my wife driving which, if my father were alive he wouldn't have stood for two fucking seconds.
I hear anger.
No, I'm just saying, the old guys were different.
- Men in the front, wives in the back.
- You like that arrangement? Actually, I think the wife should ride in a little cart behind the car.
Like in the cartoons.
Like behind Noah's Ark, there's a little boat with the skunks.
So wives are skunks? Oh, Jesus fucking Christ, it's a fucking joke.
Does it have to be like a cancer hospital in here? - But Carmela is in control in the dream.
- Why? 'Cause she's driving? Whatever's gone on with the other two, you want to square it with Carmela.
- Why? - That's what we need to find out.
Freud says dreams are wishes.
Dreams are wishes? I thought you said that dreams represent repressed urges and - It depends.
- I oughta quit this fucking therapy.
"Maybe it's this, maybe it's that.
" Maybe it's a fungule! What about impulse control? I been sitting in this chair for four years and nothing's been done about that! And it leads me to make mistakes at my work! What good did you do me with that? - Let's get back to the dream.
- Oh, fuck the dream, it's just a dream.
Jesus Christ, the money I spend here, I could've bought a Ferrari.
At least I would've got a blowjob out of that! - What do you mean? - Please.
Don't get me started.
I think you're glossing over the significant accomplishments we've made in here.
"My mother would come when she looked at a pot roast.
" "Oh, you're second in the birthing order.
" "Oh, Carmela's driving the car, how fucking interesting.
" When you first came here, you were clinically depressed.
You suffered from panic attacks that put your life in danger.
There's been significant relief in both those areas.
You're right, but I mean, come on.
I've been coming here four years now.
I've been a good sport.
Sophia! Your jacket.
You're just getting over a cold, come on.
I miss you so much.
I'd be with you right now if it wasn't for the kids.
We want a 40-percent position in your HUD business.
'Cause I bent on the other thing, you're entitled to reach into my pocket on this? That was a gesture of goodwill.
We've been down this road before.
We share Zellman.
Therefore, any of the fruits of Zellman, we're entitled to.
- We done here? - Fucking Ralph.
Where's your point man on this thing? - He missed his drops this week.
- I don't know.
Maybe you can tell me.
About what we expected.
Blooming Onion.
Cool.
The steak with the toothpick is Daddy's, he likes it still mooing.
I saw on CNBC that Outback's profitability is Excuse me.
- Dad? - Wait, sit.
Sit and eat.
It's a sin to waste good food.
Try the mushrooms.
I don't know what they do to them, but they're delicious.
I'm all right.
The kids are fed.
Thank you.
- What did you do with the cake today? - Cake? Your daughter saw it in the back of your car.
She told me about it when I picked her up from practice.
I took it to Karen's grave.
I buried it.
Today was our anniversary.
Fourteen years.
I wish you would've told me about it before I picked up the steaks from Outback.
The sides alone were over $30.
How often do you go to the grave? Every day.
That's what I miss the most, talking to her.
Believe me, Bobby, I know.
I lost both my parents.
It's very easy for people to give facile advice: "Suck it up, move on," etc.
I'm not gonna tell you that.
Grieving is a process.
Sometimes courage isn't a value.
Tony.
- Hello? - Look let's not let this get out of hand.
We've been doing good business for a while now.
Carmine agrees.
I agree.
Forty percent is not gonna happen.
We all know it.
I'm willing to go five and a half.
- Helo? - Not acceptable.
This guy who does the housing appraisals for Tony "Vic the Appraiser," they call him.
I want you to pay a visit to this Polack Tony Soprano's got doing phony house appraisals.
Vic the Appraiser.
Make this guy understand that he's gonna be working for us on these shithole houses we bought in Jersey.
You got it.
Why did he get her a cake? She died.
Go back to bed.
Nicky Ghilardi said mommy's ghost is gonna come back and haunt us.
There's no such things as ghosts.
The cake? Maybe it was for the nuns.
Sometimes, when I'm walking down the hallway, I can smell her hair.
Well, maybe if we did something bad, she'd haunt us for our own good.
There's nothing to be scared of.
Go back to bed.
Tony's pretty hot that you didn't counteroffer.
God forbid, if this gets really bad there could be a change.
Tony? Suffice to say, no matter what happens now, or in the future Carmine won't forget you.
And as far as us talking like this It's just because we're old friends.
And I know I can blow off a little steam with you.
Cheaper than a bartender.
I'm only trying to bring good relations between the families as I always do and always will.
No matter what happens or who's in charge.
If it's me, God forbid or whoever.
- Hey, Branca.
How you doing? - Hello.
- Is he around? - Shaving.
- How's your boss? - Shaving his face.
No, your employer there, Miss Kirilenko? Fine.
Reason I'm asking is 'cause we didn't get the bill.
- Here he is.
- I've fucking had it.
- With what? - Everything.
- Did you offer my nephew something? - I'm a registered nurse.
- Not maid.
- Did you offer him an aspirin? Cunt.
What's with you? This fucking competency hearing.
Delayed twice, and now it's coming up on Friday.
I don't know whether to chill the champagne or shit in my pants.
It's gonna be You got shaving cream all over you.
Don't you wash yourself off? - It's over here, too.
- Yeah, it's that fucking lighting upstairs.
If Bobby put in the right wattage All right, listen.
We found out where the jurors meet every day before they're bused to the courthouse.
Now if this mental competency thing don't work I don't wanna talk about it.
So, what is the story there with you two? He's a great guy.
He's just still very much in mourning.
We're stuck at platonic.
Well, Karen was a wonderful person.
I'm sure God must have his reasons but sometimes you have to wonder.
Well, I'm sure she was as good as gold, but he's developing a psychosis.
Her clothes are still in the closet.
And yesterday he bought her a cake for their anniversary and he buried it at her grave.
What? At her grave? God forbid that I should say something, because I would be perceived as a harpy coming between him and his dead, idealized wife.
Listen, you, don't make any plans for Sunday.
The Baccilieris are coming over.
Make those kids feel welcome.
- Bobby Junior? The kid's like 11.
- I don't ask you to do chore one! You can go without seeing Devin and your friends for one night.
Yeah, we were supposed to study.
But I guess you don't care about that.
Vic! You don't return Johnny's phone calls? What did you say? I'm only the appraiser! Now, let me appraise you of this.
Be at the Red Chimney on Route 3, ready to go to work for Johnny and Carmine.
Victor's scared now.
- Nobody knows where he is.
- Look, it's a bluff.
They don't wanna start a separate operation.
You know the costs that are involved in a HUD scam? You got the appraiser, the poverty pimp.
They want in on a going thing.
You want me to pay a visit to Johnny Sack's guys? Just say the word.
You know what? - I'm not gonna go fucking ballistic.
- All due respect, T.
Throwing your appraiser a beating was a provocation to you directly.
There he is.
You tell him to stop beeping that horn, or I'm gonna shove it up his fucking ass! - All right, Sil.
- Enjoy the game.
- I'll see you, Tony.
- All right, Vit'.
You ever talk to Beansie down there in Florida? Now and then.
Does he ever run into Carmine's son down in Miami? I'll be on my cell if you need me.
Beansie tells me - he sees Little Carmine all the time.
- Well, maybe Beansie can feel him out.
See if he's receptive to a meet with me.
Maybe we can work this shit out, if he talks to his old man.
Beansie's gotta happen to run into him.
Not like we're asking.
Yeah, it was pretty cool.
Look at that.
Just stuffed artichokes.
No cactus for me.
You're not Italian if you don't like artichoke.
So what, Mike Piazza eats nothing but artichokes? I mean, that's dicked up.
All right.
I like rice.
Maybe I'm Chinese.
- A.
J.
- You, too, Bobby.
How'd you like it if Oriental kids were making fun of you? I'll get it.
- You want an artichoke, Bobby Junior? - No.
- It's dinnertime.
- You sure, B.
J.
? - You're really missing out.
- I said already.
Hi, Mrs.
Soprano.
Everybody, this is Devin.
- Would you like something to eat? - No, thank you, I'll just wait inside.
She tell you who I saw at Schantz's Hardware last week? Oh, God, do you have to tell every person you run into? I'll put an end to the mystery right now.
Connie Francis.
Excuse me.
She was looking at recessed lighting.
I put in recessed lighting.
But I'm sorry now.
- Hello? - Tony, it's me.
Hey, how you doing? Fine fettle.
Listen, I spoke to our friend.
The son.
He seemed very receptive.
Tuesday night.
We'll meet down here in Florida.
We'll pick a place later.
l got my stepdaughter and her friends this weekend.
l'm gonna have to bring them along.
Okay, good.
Thanks.
Somebody will call you.
Where is Anthony? He went upstairs with that girl.
You two come with me.
That door is not supposed to be closed.
We were studying.
- Is this how you treat your guests? - My guests? You invited them.
These kids just lost their mom.
Could you give them a little time? - You know how much Little Bobby likes you.
- Now what am I, daycare? You must have a million games in here.
Clue, Monopoly.
Help them pick something out.
Come on in, kids.
A.
J.
's gonna help you find a game.
Spirit speak to me.
Is Bobby Junior gay? Now, do it again for real, like last time with the dead little baby.
Quit messing around.
Okay, serious.
Spirits, identify yourself.
- You're forcing it again.
- Shut up! Do you think it's my mom? Probably not.
It's not people you know.
- Will you do it with me, Devin? - Okay.
Spirit.
Do you know Karen Baccilieri? Is she making new friends in heaven? - Maybe we should play something else.
- This is stupid.
Let's play Clue.
You're just a scared little baby.
I'm not scared.
I have this game at home.
I used to play it all the time until it got boring.
How about we try and contact the dead for real? Just heard from our friend.
The other guy'll sit down.
I'm going on Tuesday.
- Want me there? - I was thinking of bringing Paulie down.
Face time with you could be what he needs.
- He's on the rag lately.
- Then I decided against it.
The other day, we were talking about Florida.
- l noticed you clammed up around Paulie.
- You did, too.
lt occurred to me that maybe Paulie's the one telling our friend in New York all our business.
- Somebody had to pass along that fat joke.
- He was in Youngstown at the time.
- In the can.
- What, people can't visit him? Jesus, you believe this shit? We're talking about fucking Paulie here.
For now, he's got no reason to know about the trip.
- Nobody's got a reason to know.
- Absolutely.
It's on a need-to-know basis.
And get this fucking appraiser working again.
l got houses just sitting there.
You got to hold hands.
And nobody let go.
The most important thing is that you keep your eyes closed during the ceremony because if you open them, whatever spirits we're speaking to will permanently remain trapped between worlds forever.
Everybody's eyes shut? Oh, great spirit from beyond.
Reveal yourself.
Give us a sign of your presence.
- Keep laughing if you think it's funny.
- It was you.
- You hear that? - What? - I heard it.
- Me, too.
Wait.
I see a gray mist - with little specks of light.
- That's what I'm seeing, too.
Wait.
I see somebody.
An old man.
Spirit from another dimension, can you reveal yourself? What? - What's that? - How come he's only talking to you? Because I'm the oldest, and closest to the afterlife.
You're a sea captain? Captain Jacobus? What? He says it's a terrible storm.
It's raining where you are? Waves are smashing against the boat? He's here! Oh, Jesus Christ, they'll kill me.
What's going on? Oh, my God, what happened? Nothing, we were just playing.
We were playing Ouija board.
And then A.
J.
Did this séance.
Dad, I want to go home.
Soph', it's just a Ouija board.
She's just scared.
It's okay, honey, Daddy's here.
This is your idea of fun? You scared these kids half to death! I didn't do anything.
He freaked out.
- Why's your shirt all wet? - Bobby, look, he had a sponge.
After what we just talked about, this is what you do? You asshole.
You, say good night.
You, get out of my sight.
I can't remember when I was more disappointed in you.
- Good night.
- You know what? He locked me in the garage at the guy with the ponytail's house.
Bobby, I don't even know what to say.
I am so embarrassed.
Part of growing up, don't worry about it.
I'm only the appraiser! What do you think? You could hide from us? Tony bought three more houses that need appraisals.
I can't.
I told you, please.
Johnny and Carmine's guys, they hurt me.
That's nothing compared to what we're gonna do, Victor.
So go back inside, get your appraising shit, and start appraising.
Did you like the movie? What's the matter? You went to the cemetery today, didn't you? How do you know? 'Cause you got cemetery mud on your shoes.
Mud? What are you, Marge Hingenbrender now? What do you know about the mud? You been spying on me? What, I can't go to the cemetery? I got to get permission from you? We're talking about you.
Not me.
You know, the grave and the funeral It's never ending.
You don't want to let it go.
- Did you even pay the funeral bill yet? - I'm never gonna pay him.
Son of a bitch put an extra 15 pounds on Karen when they did her up.
This dispute with the bill is morbid clinging.
This is exactly what I mean, we have a nice evening and we end up talking about your dead wife.
- You invited me.
- The other night at Tony's your kids were trying to contact Karen on a Ouija board.
What do you expect? You're talking to a headstone.
- She's my wife.
- She's dead, and I'm here.
- Shut the fuck up.
- You shut the fuck up.
Tony, it's Svetlana.
I've just received the brooch.
I want to thank you.
- I don't know why I deserve it, but - No, I don't want to hear that.
I want you to keep it.
I'm gonna keep it, don't worry.
Diamonds like this lt's a very nice gift.
Very sweet.
And what happened between us it was nice, too.
Okay, well That's it, then? These things happen, and then life goes on.
Are you sure? Because if you ever want to talk, or you ever need anything No, it's al right.
Thank you for the brooch.
Broke a woman's heart.
Told her I couldn't see her no more.
Sad, but there was no getting around it.
- Who is she? - Takes care of my uncle.
Runs an elder care agency.
She took care of my mother, too.
- Your former girlfriend's cousin? - That one, yeah.
- Is she your current cumare? - No, some brief fling kind of thing.
You know, after a while, I felt like I had to cut off her leg.
Not leg, affair.
- Did I say leg? - Why did you cut it off? Jesus, I am married.
- What happened? - I bought her the It's this diamond pin that I send to every woman when I'm easing out the door, I'm such a fucking prick.
You know what? This is all bullshit.
It was she who gave me my walking papers.
- You believe that? - What I meant was that You know why she didn't want to see me anymore? She said that I was high maintenance.
And this is after all the time and all the money and all the fucking Prozac and all the fucking cocksucking, motherfucking dream interpretations.
And she says she didn't want to prop me up.
And this from a broad that walks around on crutches half the time.
Nice? Do you agree with her characterization of you? I'm a miserable prick.
I've said this since day one.
And you're no longer interested in changing? In finding a way out? No, I guess not.
I said this last time.
You just didn't want to hear it.
You're paying me for my honest opinion.
You should be in therapy.
All this fucking self-knowledge, what the fuck has it gotten me? Okay, maybe it got me some shit in the beginning.
Some leadership strategies.
All we do now is sit around half the time shooting the breeze about philosophy, the Italians, my uncle Eckley.
I try to keep the focus on the work.
So when it goes off, it's my fault? Okay, fine, I accept that.
You know what she says? This broad she's from Russia, dirt poor.
She had some kind of osocarma disease in her leg when she was nine.
She says that nowhere else in the world do people expect to be happy except for here in this country, and still we're not.
And we got everything.
And when we're not, what do we do? We go to shrinks.
For what, $6 or $7 a minute? There's some truth to what she says.
But should that be a source of shame? That when the desperate struggle for food and shelter is finally behind us we can turn our attention to other sources of pain and truth? "Pain and truth.
" Come on, I'm a fat fucking crook from New Jersey.
Now that the panic attacks and the baseline depression have been dealt with, the real work can begin.
- I knew you'd say something like that.
- Because it's true.
When we're not constantly having to put out fires we can really delve into who you are and what you're really after in your very brief time on this earth.
I'm sorry.
I don't want to do this anymore.
And you can say that I'm running away.
But I've been here longer than I thought I'd stay.
Longer than anybody ever thought I'd stay.
And you know what? I get no appreciation for it.
You've shown a lot of courage.
I commend you on that.
Thank you for the commendation and adiós.
Look, no fault, no foul.
I appreciate everything you've done for me.
Come to your next appointment.
One more time.
You'll cover my $300-a-week in no time with some other mortadella.
All right, I shouldn't have said that.
Look, you saved my life in the beginning and for all the times I came on like an asshole, I'm very sorry.
You've got my number if you change your mind.
And if you begin to feel any of the old feelings, you need to call me.
So, what's customary? I mean, do we shake hands? How about a diamond pin? Okay, well Goodbye.
You've reached Doctor Eliot Kupferberg.
Please leave a message at the sound of the beep.
lf this is an emergency you can reach me at 973-555-7089.
Guess who's no longer a patient of mine.
Calling all cars.
His user name had 666.
That means Satan.
I was gonna park in that spot.
Ball breaker, welcome to Miami.
Mr.
Melvoin, I've read your application for dismissal on the grounds of mental incompetence.
And I've reviewed the findings of the doctors in this matter.
Frankly, they were unmoved by Mr.
Soprano's performance.
Your Honor, to couch it as a performance It's their opinion that he understands the charges and that he's more than competent to participate in his own defense.
I'd like another round of testing.
Your Honor I didn't come all this way to stop this trial now.
Court will convene on Monday at 9:30 to continue proceedings.
Your Honor, please.
Since his injury, I have not had a single conversation with Mr.
Soprano in which we've related on any meaningful level.
Feel free to take that up on appeal.
Fuck! We'll get to a juror.
We're working very hard.
Hello? Bobby, hi.
What's up? I was just doing housework.
Why? Is everything all right? Oh, my God.
Tell me about it.
Got home tonight.
Kids were kind of quiet.
Then bedtime, all hell broke loose.
Crying, wouldn't be left alone.
Sophia, especially.
They've been playing with that goddamn Ouija board again.
- Oh, no.
- They were trying to contact Karen.
What? I don't know what to say, Bobby.
I came over this afternoon with some pound cake.
I saw it.
I heard them in his room with that Ouija board.
I thought, "This is not good.
" But then after the other night, I didn't want to overstep my bounds.
It's my fault.
You're under a lot of stress.
You're a single dad.
No, you were right.
It's bad for them.
- It's unwholesome.
- You want me to go up? I think they're asleep.
Finally.
I had to read to Sophia for like an hour.
She couldn't even handle a Nancy Drew, it was too mysterious.
- Go ahead.
- It's just The dead have nothing to say to us, Bobby.
It's our own narcissism that makes us think they even care.
It does get better with time.
Did you get anything to eat at least? Can I fix you something? No, it's too much trouble.
No, it's not.
I'm starving, too.
There's probably something in here.
Karen's ziti? It's the last one she made.
And it was like 300 degrees in that Minnie Mouse head? So I took it off, you know? I was gonna have a cigarette.
- And some kid took a picture of me.
- Come on, girls.
These gentlemen have things to discuss.
Let's go.
Okay.
Thanks.
- Nice meeting you guys.
- We'll see you at the bar later.
Look, Carmine.
You basically know what's going on with your dad and Johnny and us over in Jersey.
First let me say, I understand.
I appreciate the respect you're showing me by coming here and reaching out to me at this time.
Always.
I will also go on record as saying I know my old man can be a tough nut to crack.
I don't want to crack nuts, but I will.
I feel the anger.
When I try, for the second time on a separate issue entirely, to reach an accommodation and he don't even make a counteroffer, where's his respect? I don't know what kind of advice he's getting from Johnny.
Johnny's always usually a voice of moderation.
Me and him, we get along good.
So, all due respect, let's not jump in and blame Johnny.
True.
John's a pragmatist.
But he's also a greedy motherfucker.
He lives above his head a little.
I am reminded of Louis the Whatever's finance minister: De-something.
He built this chateau.
Nicole and I saw it when we went to Paris.
It even outshone Versailles, where the king lived.
In the end, Louis clapped him in irons.
Look, Tony.
All I can promise you is, I will look into it.
I understand you got to try to feel out your old man so he don't give you 'a mazz' you know, for sticking your nose in.
I haven't been afraid of my father for quite some time.
Fair enough.
But, Carmine, bear in mind, he came onto my turf.
He tried to recruit my mulignon.
And worse, he roughed up my appraiser.
If the proper response is not forthcoming in a business-like time frame my next move will not be further conversation.
I get it.
You should know that my next call will be to Johnny Sack to let him know that we talked.
He shouldn't feel blind-sided.
Hello? I'm here for the masoner job.
Me no speak the English.
Mi dispiace.