The Soul Man (2012) s01e08 Episode Script

J.C. Carpenter's Gospel Show

1 The soul man is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Ooh, and baby, we should've got that new car.
I looked good in it, but you looked real good in it.
I did, didn't I? You know, I'm just worried about throwing a flashy car like that.
In front of the congregation's face.
It won't be in their face.
It'll be in the parking lot.
Well, we really could use that back-up camera.
I mean, You've killed like, six trash cans since we moved here.
I could use that feature in real life, too.
[imitates back-up alert] boop Boop Boop Come on, a little closer.
Turn a little left, toward me.
Easy, easy.
Aha! Already home.
[clearing throat] What y'all been doing? I might ask you the same thing.
Practicing parking.
We went to reverend J.
Amazing traveling gospel show.
Well, you might as well just stab me in the chest.
With a butter knife.
You know how I feel about J.
He's nothing but a hustler posing as a preacher man.
Hell, I knew him when he was willie jay bell, Singing backup in my band.
Well, now he makes billions as a big-time mega-preacher.
Lyric, he doesn't make billions.
He makes millions, with an "m.
" There's a big difference.
How much did you pay to see this scam artist, anyway? Together? $350.
But we got this free shirt.
[recorded voice] come on and follow me and the lord.
Around the world! Come on! Your shirt talk too? See, this is exactly what I'm talking about.
Has nothing to do with god, it's all about him.
And if he was here, I'd tell him that to his face.
He speaks very highly of you, daddy.
I I don't want that man I don't want that man coming to our house! He's going to do nothing but.
Rub my nose in the fact that he's making billions.
You mean millions.
Come on, baby, let's face it.
The man makin' billions.
Come on and follow me and the lord around the world! Come on! [upbeat r&b music] [upbeat gospel music] - The Soul Man - - S01E08 Hi, lolli.
Where's boyce? He's in the den.
You want me to get him? No, no, I need to speak to you in private.
I I got a little woman problem.
[curiously] what's goin' on? Well, you remember veronica, The lady I met on cougarswithtigers.
Com? I sure do.
Well, as you know, I've been seeing her regularly.
For the past few weeks, And it's gotten pretty serious.
I'm thinking about taking it to the next level.
Aww, you really are a tiger! Rawr! Is J.
Here yet? Oh, hey, lyric! Hey.
We'll, uh, finish our conversation later.
Yes we will, tiger.
[laughs mischievously] Don't ask.
Is that one of your videos again? Don't you ever get tired of watching yourself, son? I'm not watching myself, I'm watching the background singer.
Isn't that J.
Carpenter? Hm! You mean willie jay bell? Look, I don't approve of J.
Any more than you do.
He's like the fast food of preaching.
You drive through, pay your money, But get no nutritional value.
Yeah, with like, 3 billion suckers served.
Still, seem to me like you got.
A bad case of the envies.
Don't forget, "a sound heart is the life of the flesh: But envy the rottenness of the bones.
" Proverbs 14:30.
Well, don't you forget that "the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil.
" Do you really want to get into.
A scripture competition with me, son? No.
I was just kind of excited I knew that one.
[doorbell rings] [squealing] ooh! He's here! I'll get it! Calm down, honey.
You don't want to seem overanxious.
I'll get it.
Boyce, how do I look? Whoa, hello.
Carpenter is about to arrive.
We need to secure the building.
Oh, well, uh okay.
Are all y'all staying for dinner? I don't know if I got enough corn.
You got to be kiddin' me.
This is a little over the top, isn't it? Sir, I need to know if we're going to have an issue here.
We have an agitated male, late 40s I'm not late 40s.
And short.
I am average height for a male.
It's okay, jim.
I know this guy.
What's up, B.
! Eric.
What are you doing here? Don't tell me you're representing him.
Hey, I tried to get you to sign with me for years, But you wouldn't bite.
This turned out a whole lot better, anyway.
We're all good here, sir.
Let's bring him in.
Have mercy! If it isn't boyce "the voice" ballentine.
Come on over here and gimme some love, man.
Willie jay.
Man, how you doing? Man, ain't nobody call me willie jay in a long time.
Yeah, probably since you was standing behind me on stage.
That's true, I did have some humble beginnings, but uh, How you like me now? Lolli, hey baby.
How you doing, you getting younger or what? Oh, stop.
Unless you just want to say it again.
Now, tell me this: How does boyce get a beautiful woman like you? Come here, baby.
Security? Lyric, now I see you guys standing there together, I realize you got your mother's good looks.
Thank god.
[giggles] mom, take a picture.
[camera clicking] - got it.
Oh, my god.
I amso putting this on instagram.
I'm reverend barton ballentine, boyce's dad.
- How are you? - And I just wanted to.
Ask you something.
- Mm-hmm? What are you? Whoa, whoa, daddy.
What denomination? Methodist? Baptist? Pentecostal? Love.
Have mercy.
Hey, boss? We should get going.
You got a book signing at the convention center, A mass baptism at busch stadium.
And then dinner with oprah.
Give me a minute, eric, I want to enjoy this family.
Now, if I recall correctly, you like cigars, don't you? Yeah, I partake of a stogie every now and then.
Mmhmm, well, check this out.
I just happen to have.
A couple of cohibas from havana.
Aren't those illegal? And like, 20 grand a box? Well, you know, I counseled fidel.
You got somewhere around this lovely house.
To smoke these things? Yeah, we can go out on my patio.
That's cute.
So, what time we need to be ready.
To head on over to Oprah's? Mmm! Oh, man.
That is good, brother.
Yes, that's a breath of heaven right there.
You remember, we used to.
Smoke cigars like this all the time.
The first time we sang.
Spankin' ain't just for kids, in memphis.
Oh, most definitely, I remember my part.
Spank it spank it a spankin' ain't just for kids, girl Sometimes a man got to do what a man got to do.
Man got to do it, man.
Man, ain't it weird the way things worked out for us? I mean, uh, you being a small-town preacher, And me being the preacher.
Well, I mean, You did blow up pretty fast.
Yes I did, have mercy.
Can I ask you a question? Well, man, you just gave me a $400 cigar.
Ask away.
What do you think about the work I do? You put on a good show.
But that's all it is, is a show, right? That's what you're saying? Well, I mean No, no, no, you're absolutely right, boyce.
That's what I love about you, man, You say what you mean.
I started out with good intentions, But somewhere along the line, it just kind of.
Spiraled out of control for me.
I mean, I'm counseling obama at the moment.
You counseling obama? Yeah.
Yeah, I am.
And he loves these, too.
Boyce, Can I be willie jay bell for a moment? Of course, man.
Brother, I am lost.
Willie, You know, maybe you just need to take a step back from all this.
And just see what you're doing out there.
Are you suggesting that I quit? I I didn't say that.
You know what? You're absolutely right.
That's exactly what I'ma do.
I'ma do exactly what you said.
Wwhat what'd I say? You just told me to quit, and I'm gonna do just that.
Mm! Mm, mm.
Boyce, you are a persuasive man, Have mercy.
I'm not that persuasive.
You can ask my wife.
Hey, You ever kill a man with your bare hands? Ma'am, I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to discuss that.
But yes.
I need you to open this jar.
Good people! Gather 'round, I got an announcement I want to make.
After a long conversation with.
My good friend boyce ballentine here, He's convinced me of something.
I'm going to hang up my robe, I'm giving up the ministry.
Come on now, I didn't say anything like No, no, J.
Carpenter is.
Going back to willie jay bell.
Have mercy.
What did you say to him? Daddy, how could you? Uhh! I didn't do nothin' but have a cigar with the man.
Eric, I know that I'm letting you down, But I can't face these people anymore.
I I can't take no more of their money.
But I can.
You gotta leave this house.
You can't ask me to leave someone else's house.
But I can.
Let's go.
So, if you're going to need someone to represent you.
During this transitional period, I'd like to recommend someone.
His name is stamps ballentine.
But that's you.
Pleased to meet you.
Stamps, that's enough, all right? He's got a lot on his mind right now.
Go on.
So what you gonna do now, willie? Lolli, baby, What's for dinner? Okay, all right, see now, that That's gonna be enough of you calling my wife "baby," okay? I said, get the truck off my grass, that's what I said! What is going on out there? Some idiot leaked to the news that J.
Is staying here.
And thinking about quitting.
It's like, six news vans out there, All trying to take a picture.
Are the news trucks here yet? I got three shots of J.
Taking a nap.
Look at him, sleeping like a little angel.
Gimme that.
You are not selling these.
Why you want to take away my livelihood, brah? Did you see this? Aw, he gonna stretch my shirt out.
Pop, what you doing sitting in here by yourself? None o' your business, boy.
You still nervous about kissing that woman, huh? If you must know, I've only kissed one woman in the last 35 years.
Oh, wow.
Mom, right? No, a whore in korea.
Who'd you think I was talking about? Now would you go, so I can talk to lolli? Hey, lolli.
Can I, uh, speak to you in private for a minute? I'll be right there.
What's that all about? What would you say if someone told you they were.
Thinking about taking their relationship to another level? I would say they're thinking about having sex.
Then your daddy is thinking about having sex.
- What? - Yeah.
And he asked me to be his sexual advisor.
So, what are you gonna tell him? I don't know.
In my old life, I would've said incense, wine, and candles.
But I'm the first lady of a church now, So, I've got to be careful with this.
The man is 70 years old.
Why does he need to have sex anyway? When you're 70, you better want to have sex.
Hey, so I just left veronica's place.
And I think she's getting kind of impatient with me.
She's definitely ready for this.
Well, you are a very attractive man.
All right, here's the thing.
You really gotta make sure you think this through, 'cause this is a very serious step.
You gotta make sure you're 100% ready for this.
There is one problem.
Lately, I've been a little chapped.
What exactly are we talking about here? I'm talking about a little kiss.
What'd you think I was talking about? I thought you was talking about having sex.
Sex? You got a dirty mind for a first lady.
I just got the gig, gimme a chance.
All right, kissing I can handle.
You're gonna need incense, wine, and candles.
Ooh, and this.
Some chapstick.
This'll make your lips nice and soft.
Veronica will be lucky to get a kiss out of you.
You think I should wait for an opening? Hell no! Go in full tilt, she'll love it.
I'm gonna do it.
Go get 'em, tiger! [several voices, overlapping] Over here, mr.
Ballentine! Oh, get out of my way! I gotta go kiss somebody.
Hey willie, I see you up.
Are those my pajamas? Yeah.
You need some new fabric softener, too.
Look at all them out there, man.
Just waiting on me to make a statement.
Everybody want a piece of J.
, boyce.
What I'ma do with the rest of my life? Have you ever thought about asking the lord? Well, no.
I hadn't really talked to him much lately, Because, you know, ever since I started making so much money.
And remixed the bible on tape.
Yeah, I can see how that would've ticked him off.
You know what? I may not ever hear from him again.
Now, you gotta remember, he is a forgiving god.
"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us.
" That's 1 john 1:9.
That's impressive.
You know what? You really are a good preacher.
Yeah, that's two in one day.
I'm actually on a roll.
Well, look at you go.
You the real deal, rev.
I bet your sermons touch people's lives, don't they? Oh, I don't know.
Yes, they are pretty inspirational.
You know, we actually got 24 new members since I started preaching.
- Is that right? - Yeah.
Well, I got about 400,000 followers on twitter.
- Really? - But what does that mean? I'm not a real preacher.
You're a real preacher.
Matter of fact, I'm gonna come and hear you Sunday.
I want you to make an announcement for me, saying, "J.
Carpenter's amazing gospel traveling show "is being shut down.
" Matter of fact, I'm gonna tweet it right now.
Uhnow, I don't think that's a good idea.
It's too late, I just tweeted it.
Look, my church only holds 150 people.
You just told 400,000 you would be there.
Well, you gonna have to get some more chairs.
Ohho, it is packed out there! I can't wait to do my thing.
Oh yeah.
The church is at capacity.
Actually, a little bit over.
I gave the fire marshal a little taste.
Good thinking, stamps.
Stamps, why are you in charge of this? Are you gonna job-block me for the rest of my life? How many of my flock has gathered on the lawn? Aw, there's at least 1,000 people out there.
Now, we got a big screen set up for everyone to watch.
Your reaction to boyce's sermon.
Willie, can I talk to you for a sec? Now, for someone who's thinking about quitting, You seem to really be enjoying this.
No, I'm just savoring the last few moments of my limelight.
That's all.
That's all.
You sure you want to quit? Now, I've read some of your tweets, And there's a lot of people that count on you.
Yeah, they count on me, but I don't know nothin'.
I mean, I just be making it up as I go along.
I don't know.
I think maybe you just got caught up in the show.
And forgot to give god the shine.
But now that you know this, maybe you can do a better job.
I'm going to have to ask you to stop harassing my client.
I'm gonna ask you to sit down before I harass you.
Willie, if you can quit being a preacher, then quit.
But if you can't, you've been called.
I could quit.
All right, I'ma go tell everybody.
We're on the move.
Stamps, why are you talking into your sleeve? 'Cause that's how we do.
Hi, veronica.
So, how'd it go last night, tiger? Just fine.
Amen, amen.
Amen, amen.
Now, I know that a lot of you came here to see J.
- Yes! - Yeah! I'm sorry to disappoint you, but he won't be here.
- Aw! - Oh! J.
Is at a crossroads.
See, one road that he could follow.
Leads him to fame, money, and the limelight, While the other leads him to I'm gonna take that first road! - Oh! - Whoo! Hello, everybody! I am back! [cheers and applause] Now, looky here.
It's taken a real preacher to help the preacher.
Find his way again.
- All right, all right! - Yeah! Well, welcome back to the mountaintop, brother.
Thank you.
I'll take it over from here, okay? Not in my church, you can't.
[laughter] I could never quit preaching.
I tried and I tried, but it's like, It's like a fire shut up in my bones.
And if you feel that fire let me hear you say "yeah!" -yeah! Well, I don't you feel the fire.
I don't think you see the light! Because you don't feel the spirit in me that make me want to dance! Yeah! I feel the love.
I feel the love! I feel this power.
I feel this power.
Running through every part of me.
I feel the love.
I feel the love! I feel this power.
I feel this power.
Running through every part of me.
Yeah! You save your soul.
You save your soul.
And my spirit - And my spirit.
Set my spirit free! I feel the love.
I feel the love! I feel this power.
I feel this power