The Soul Man (2012) s01e09 Episode Script

How To Be a Church Lady

1 The soul man is recorded before a live studio audience.
Hey, reverend, you wanted to see me? Yes, brother lester, I believe we have some unfinished business.
Yeah, we should probably take care of that.
Yeah, we should get that out the way.
All right, now, I'm up 28-26.
The game is to 30.
Gotta win by 2.
Yeah, and it's my ball.
You going down, your reverence.
Don't bring that weak stuff up in my kitchen, son.
You better "D" -up, 'cause I'm comin' at you with my slamma-jamma.
Huh! Come on! Come on! Hey, reverend? What's going on in here? How you doing, devon? Come on in.
I'm doing fine.
I just came by to introduce you guys.
To my new fiancee.
How you get somebody to marry you? She need her citizenship? Is she canadian or something? [laughter] Come on in here, carolyn.
Oh.
Hello, hello, hello.
[sotto] oh, yeah, she canadian.
[sotto] canadian, yeah.
Welcome to our church.
Come on in.
Have a seat.
You've gotta forgive me for being so sweaty.
I've just been writing sermons all day.
Ooh! [chuckles] All right, well, I might as well go ahead.
And bring up the elephant in the room.
And just say it.
[chuckles nervously] This is gonna be a mixed marriage.
He's baptist and I'm lutheran.
Oh, well, you know what they say.
Well, devon really wants me to join this congregation, But I feel the same way about shepherd of the hills.
I just can't see myself worshiping anywhere else.
Now, I've been to her church, and let me just say, It's a little subdued for my taste.
Yeah, I've been there too.
Bor-ing.
[clears throat] Why don't you guys come by our church.
On Sunday, give us a try, huh? I think you'll like the way we do things around here.
Make sure you stay for the fish fry.
I hand rolled the hush puppies.
Mmm.
[imitates licking fingers] Yeah.
[laughs] Okay, I have to just I have to just go ahead and say, When devon told me that boyce the voice.
Was the pastor here, I really got excited.
I mean, I am a big fan of your music.
Oh, in fact, the first time we, uh well, never mind.
[laughs] don't worry about it, I get that a lot.
So I can count on you for Sunday? - Oh, yeah.
- All right.
- Okay.
- Good.
I look forward to hearing boyce rejoice.
[laughter] Both: Definitely canadian.
[funk music] - The Soul Man - - S01E09 Hi! Who are you and what are you doing in my house? Mmhmm, yeah, he said you might call thisyourhouse.
- "He" who? - Stamps.
Your son? You know, I think it is so nice.
That he is letting you stay here.
And take care of you.
It's one of the many things I love about him.
Oh, boy.
And I'm guessing, by your attire, You stayed the night.
In my house.
Yeah, but it's not what you think.
This was our third date.
Was your second date with the justice of the peace? You know what? You need a toad in the hole.
Excuse me? It's a fried egg in the middle of a piece of bread.
I know what a toad in the hole is.
My wife used to make them for me After we were married.
But hers wasn't nearly this good.
Man, this is good.
- [laughs] So how did you meet my son? Oh, I met him at the grocery store.
I was shopping for my job.
What do you do? Well, I'm a chef, But I cook for the homeless on the weekends.
- Hmm, that's very nice.
- Yeah.
I was picking out some melons, And stamps made some joke[laughs] And we just really hit it off.
Oh, pop.
[chuckles] Renee, baby, I told you to wake me up.
Before you came downstairs.
Mwah.
Well, I guess you met my dad.
You mean your invalid dad that you "take care of".
In your house? Yeah, I don't know what I'd do without you, pops.
Well, for one thing, you'd be living on the street.
You know what? I think that is my cue.
I gotta go get ready for work.
Yeah, the homeless ain't gonna feed themselves.
- Quite a catch, isn't he? - [laughs] Say, pop I'm sorry.
I know how you feel about girls sleeping over.
And I promise you, I never really meant to get caught.
So what do you think about renee? I think she could do a whole lot better.
- She might be the one, pop.
- The one what? Well, the one I can finally keep dating for a while.
If you're gonna continue to see her, We've gotta lay down some rules.
Number one she cannot sleep over at my house.
All right, I agree.
Number two She needs to be here at 8:00 in the morning.
That girl cooks a mean breakfast.
[laughs] [cheers and applause] All right.
I'm just saying, Shoes the only thing that go on sale.
[cheering] The salvation is nonrefundable.
[cheering] you know what? Stand up and hug your neighbor.
Say, "I'm so glad you're here.
" I'm so glad you're my brother! I'm so glad.
I'm so glad you're here! I'm so glad.
[excited chatter] Oh, I'm so glad.
Oh.
All right, I'll let you know how it goes.
I feel bad.
Devon was counting on us, you know? And I think once everybody caught the spirit, We kind of scared carolyn off.
Yeah.
It was pretty much a wrap.
When sister pearly did that cartwheel.
She did stick that landing though, right? [laughter] I don't even know what she's doing.
With them handicapped stickers.
Well, anyway, babe, carolyn is gonna stop by, And I don't know what to tell her.
I wish I just knew somebody who's gone through.
Some of the same things she's going through, you know? That would be helpful.
Yeah, you know, somebody who's[sniffs] Different than everybody else in the congregation.
Hmm.
Good luck with that.
I'm talking 'bout you, babe.
Oh, really? [doorbell rings] All right, okay, that's her.
All right, so work your first lady magic on her.
I'll work my first lady magic on her, And then later, I'm gonna work it on you.
Uhhuh, okay.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Pastor ballentine said he wanted to speak to me? Oh, he thinks it's a good idea if you and I talk.
Come on in, girl.
So Tell me.
What'd you think about our service? Oh, I-I thought your church.
Was really fun.
Yeah, I-I mean, it was just like no other church I'd ever been to.
[laughs] Okay, it scared the crap out of me.
Aww.
At my church, we just sit and listen.
Or sometimes fall asleep.
Okay, well, here's the thing.
When I first came to the church, I was uncomfortable too, right? Then I realized, You gotta forget about everybody else, right? Open up and let the spirit move you.
Trust your instincts and let it out.
- I think I can do that.
- Okay.
Let's practice.
I'll be the preacher, And you be somebody sitting in the front row.
Oh.
Ooh, ooh.
Could I not sit next to cartwheel lady? Okay, fine.
Here we go.
Let the congregation all come together and say, "amen.
" [meekly] amen.
No, all right? From the gut, a-and use your diaphragm.
[hoarse] amen.
Amen! [deep voice]a-men! Oh! Whoa, where did that come from? [laughs] I don't know.
I guess my diaphragm.
That was really fun.
So you're saying I can just do that in church? Absolutely.
Girl, let everybody know you're there.
Okay.
Okay, I'm gonna I'm gonna give it another try.
Who knows, maybe I'll put a little extra.
In the collection plate.
[laughs] You do have a collection plate, don't you? - Oh, yeah, four of 'em.
- Oh.
A-men! Oh! I just did it again.
- My girl.
- All right.
Thank you.
Okay, bye.
- Ahh! - Uh! - Lollipop! - [snaps fingers] I told you we were a good team.
By "team," you mean you have a problem.
And I come up with the solution? Nah, babe, babe.
It's like an assist, you know? I dish you the pass, you dunk it bam! We both go home with a ring.
Okay, well, bam! You make dinner.
Well, bam! I'm ordering takeout.
Basically he said, "don't start none, won't be none.
" [murmuring agreement] You see, brothers and sisters, David refused to wear saul's armor.
Oh, yes! Preach, pastor ballentine! Preach it, my brother! And then david, He he picked up his slingshot [murmuring agreement] And and five smooth stones.
Oh, hallelujah! Hallelujah! Thank god for the stones! You are going down, goliath! Uh, sister carolyn, You're giving away my ending.
Amen.
So, you know, so dav goliath died, And then, uh You know what you should call this? "Eggs renee.
" [laughs] it's just scrambled eggs.
This is not just scrambled eggs.
My wife made scrambled eggs.
Well, where is your wife? She's in a better place.
Oh, no.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, don't be.
She's still alive, She's just in a better place.
But I-I don't want to bother you with that.
- I understand.
- You see We were married for 41 years, and she woke up one morning.
And told me I was married to the church.
More than I was to her.
Oh, that is so sad.
Well, why didn't you go after her? Too much pride.
Well, do you ever miss her? Yes, I do.
We had breakfast together for 41 years, And then I would go off to work at the church.
And I wouldn't see her for the rest of the day.
I would've left me too.
I think you need a second helping.
Uh, actually, this was my third, So I'm gonna have to call it quits.
[laughter] Hey, babe.
Good morning, sunshine.
- Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.
- [laughs] Oh, god.
All right, I've gotta go to work now, okay? So we'll see you tomorrow morning? That's right.
I'm making butterscotch waffles.
I might just sleep right here.
[laughs] All right, stamps, we need to talk.
Oh, she did not sleep here last night.
I slept over at her place.
It's not about that.
It's about your future.
If you're really serious about this girl, You've got to be worthy of her, And that's gonna take some work A whole lot of work.
You got to get a job, get your own place, And upgrade your wardrobe.
Wha? These jeans cost $300.
I thought you couldn't pay the rent? I can't with all the money I spend on clothes.
This is the kind of thing I'm talking about.
If you want to spend the rest of your life.
With somebody like renee, You've got to stop living in the moment.
And plan for the future.
Hmm, you gave me a lot to think about, dad.
I'm gonna take a nap.
It's 8:00 in the morning! [laughs] well, yeah, you know, A brother hasn't been to sleep yet.
[laughs] Lolli, how long does it take to shave a bald man's head? I'm just trying to get it perfect, And you got a big, lumpy head! The ladies love it.
Praise the lord, it's a beautiful day.
What's up, sister girls? Hi, carolyn.
You know, I noticed a lot of the ladies.
At the church on Sunday were wearing hats, So I picked up a couple.
Oh.
Thought I'd come to my girlfriends.
For their opinion.
- Let us see.
- Okay.
This one Oh.
Or thank you Or this one.
All: Wow.
Oh I'm gonna have to go with this one.
Yeah, well, they're both ugly.
What did he say? He said they're both lovely, dear.
Well, they didn't have anything smaller? Yeah, yeah, you know, Because both of these are kinda loud.
- Screaming.
- Lolli You told me to let the spirit move me, And the spirit moved me to buy these hats.
When I walk in that door, I want my hat to say "hallelujah!" Oh, it will.
You know what? I think I'll keep 'em both.
There's always next Sunday.
Yeah, and there's always the kentucky derby.
Oh, I gotta run.
I gotta get to my gospel spin class.
Gotta get in shape for the lord.
Praise out, y'all! What in the holy name was that? Did I really just hear that? She's just trying to fit in.
Oh, lolli, tell me you didn't almost lose it last Sunday.
When she started doing the holy dance.
I did think the girl was having a seizure.
[laughter] All: Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Praise! - Oh.
- Oh, oh.
Hey, carolyn, uh [chuckles nervously] We was just I forgot my other hat.
I guess I won't be needing it anymore.
Oh, shoot.
Lolli, you know none of this.
Would've happened if you had a bell on that front door.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, I talked to devon.
She's not coming back.
I feel really bad about what those ladies were saying.
When she walked in.
You were in on it too, lester.
That doesn't sound like me.
Lolli, are you absolutely sure she heard what you said? Oh, I'm sure.
And you're absolutely sure it was bad? Oh, it was bad.
You don't think she's coming back? Oh, she ain't coming back.
So anything I say from here on out, You just gonna repeat it? Oh, I'm gonna repeat it.
Reverend, what are we gonna do about this? Look, we are gonna let her know.
We want her at our church, bad.
Now, brother lester, I need you to get a hold of devon.
Tell him to get her back to the church on Sunday, Even if you have to drag her in there.
Kicking, screaming, biting, and fighting.
We gonna let her know that we are.
A loving, welcoming church.
I hope this works, because I really liked her.
I mean, I felt like I could relate.
To what she was going through.
Mmhmm.
Y'all know when I first came to the church, I was the only sexy woman in the congregation.
All them people judging me.
It ain't easy being this sexy.
What's going on? I don't smell any food cooking.
Reverend ballentine, I've got some bad news.
Stamps and I just broke up.
What? Look, I know that boy of mine lacks ambition, drive, And has no future, But underneath that trifling exterior, He has a good heart.
Now, I can't believe I'm saying this, But give stamps one more chance.
No! He broke up with me! He what? You're the best thing that ever happened to us! I mean, him.
No, reverend ballentine, it's over.
I should go.
You know, we'll always have breakfast.
[sighs] Psst, pop.
Renee leave yet? What the hell's the matter with you, boy? How could you break up with renee? Well, no, it's like you said.
I'd have to get a job, my own place.
That's a lot of pressure.
I ain't ready for that yet.
You're 35.
35's the new 18, pop.
I got my whole life ahead of me.
By the time I was 35, I had two jobs, Two kids, and a mortgage.
Yeah, well, I'm 35 with no kids, no mortgage, And $300 pants.
Who's living the dream now, pop? I am hearing something missing from church today, And that's a "amen" and a "hallelujah".
Said at the wrong time and way too loud.
[murmuring agreement] Wow, that makes me feel so much better.
But it's said with a whole lot of heart.
And that's not the only thing missing from church today.
And that something is acceptance.
[murmuring agreement] You see, dr.
King said.
That the most segregated hour in america.
Is 11:00 on Sunday morning.
[all murmuring agreement] We tell people to come as they are, But what we really mean is come as we are.
[congregation murmurs] so you know what? I I'm gonna ask my wife to come up here.
And say a few words, Because she knows a little something.
About not being accepted in this room.
Sister ballentine, come on up here.
[cheers and applause] praise god.
Look at her.
Uh, so I can just talk? Yeah, just do like you pretty much always do.
Okay, uh, well [clears throat] Uh, carolyn was very upset when myself.
And several members of our congregation Who I won't mention, but you know who you are Shame on y'all.
Were giving her a hard time.
When she was just trying to belong.
And what we should've been doing Mmhmm.
I say, what weshould've been doing, huh [murmuring agreement] Is accepting her into our congregation! [murmuring agreement] Oh, y'all don't hear me.
Okay.
Wha.
What I really want to say is.
We are so sorry, carolyn.
We're awful sorry.
Amen? All: Amen.
- Ooh, I see why you like this.
- [laughs] I I don't really know.
I I don't think I fit un here.
Well, do you think you can fit in this? We want you to be a member of our choir.
You mean it? I can be in the choir? Shepherd of the hills never let me be in their choir.
Come on up here, sister girl.
Oh, thank you, pastor ballentine.
Hallelujah! Was that ok? - Perfect.
Come on.
- Thank you.
And - No, babe.
babe.
No, you can have your seat now.
I've got it from here.
Ok.
but no, I feel the spirit, babe.
Let me excuse me.
Do you all feel the spirit? 'Cause I sure did! If you feel the spirit stand on your feet and say Amen! -Yeah!