The Spa (2013) s01e02 Episode Script

No Place Like Home

1 Oh, Jesus! Ginny, it's five in the morning.
Half five, I know, I'm mucking out.
I just got your message from last night, are you OK, babe? No, not really.
I mean, yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
You got your hot water sorted? No.
No, I've got no water whatsoever.
I had to stay at the club last night.
Well listen, babe, if you want me to send Bolek round, just say the word.
Who? Bolek.
He's my cleaner's boy.
Is he a plumber? He's Polish.
They can do anything, can't they? I gave him a few days work here, but now he just seems to be spending his time trying to systematically impregnate all of my stable girls.
Just show him a bit of ankle after he's done the boiler and he'll probably flush your entire system for you, if you know what I mean, babes? Yeah, yeah, send him here and I'll give him some keys for the flat.
OK, babe.
Don't do anything I would.
Hello? Is there someone in there? Is there anything I can do? Oh, hello, Eric.
Can I help you? Were you asleep? No, why would I be asleep? Well, you look like you've just woken up.
Do you know how incredibly rude that is, to say that to somebody? It's not rude if that person has just woken up.
Look, Eric, can we talk about this later? If you're staying here overnight, you've just got to let me know so I can kill the alarm in this zone.
You must keep very still when you're asleep.
I did not stay here overnight.
You're lucky you're not like Mrs Eric, when she sleeps she flaps around like a grounded cod.
Eric, for the last time, I did not stay here overnight.
Now, was there anything else? Yeah, you've a big red mark on your face where you haven't been sleeping on the massage bed.
Morning, Sally.
You on earlys all this week? Oh, hi, Marcus, yeah.
I don't know whether I'm coming or going, it's a logistical nightmare.
Aw, because of your son? Is everything all right? Sally? Do you want me to cover the desk for you? Excuse me, can you tell me where I can find power cardio? Yes, one moment.
What are you doing here? What do you mean, "What am I doing here?" - I work here.
Not at six in the morning you don't.
We're lucky if we see you by ten.
Well, I say "lucky.
" That is the beauty of being in charge, Marcus.
I may come in at six o'clock, I may come in at ten o'clock.
That's the one thing that should keep you on your toes.
If you'll pardon the expression.
Now, where's Sally? She had to nip out.
"Nip out?" Er, power cardio? Yes, hang on a minute.
Nip out where? She had to go out to move her car.
Right, this is obviously a new car? Obviously.
Well I am trying to find cardio.
Will you please have some manners? I'm talking.
Well, you can tell Sally, when she comes back from moving her "new" car, one - congratulations on passing her driving test since yesterday.
And two - please report to my office so I know exactly how much time she needs to make up at the end of her day.
Don't try to pull the wool over my eyes, Mr Wells, it may be six in the morning, but I'm still sharp as a tack.
Now, kindly help this woman, she's lost her cardigan.
OK? Now before we start, I'm just going to cleanse your aura.
I had a bath this morning.
Don't worry, it's a different kind of cleansing.
It's complimentary with every 30 minute Reiki healing session.
I don't know nothing about it.
My wife booked it for me.
We've tried everything else, chiropractor, acupuncture.
We even went to Bournemouth to see Psychic Sally.
Don't worry.
I'm feeling resistance from your crown chakra, but I'm actually getting a very positive energy from your back.
I think we may get results here.
Can I get you anything? Glass of water? Tissue? No, I'm all right, thanks.
It's just that once I've started, although there's no physical contact, I can't break the connection until the end of the session.
Honestly, I'm all right.
OK, here we go.
Don't worry, you won't feel anything except the soothing emotion of well-being.
Oh my God, I'm so relaxed.
I did warn you.
Oh, sorry about that.
No, no, it's fine, don't worry.
We had a bit of a blow-out last night from Dominos.
My wife had a quattro formaggi and I had a 12-inch meat feast.
Have you ever had one? No.
Oh, they take some getting through.
Hell of a lot of red meat.
Anyway, sorry.
Your body is in an extreme state of relaxation, it can't be helped.
That's all right then.
Oh my God! Is it possible to shut the window? It's a bit nippy in here.
Well, I'll admit it's certainly unorthodox.
Unorthodox? It's positively barbaric.
Are you sure she definitely asked you to wear it? She may have just been using it as a visual aid.
She wasn't using it as a visual aid.
Everyone got weighed, I was told I was the heaviest and then made to wear a pig mask.
It's not an unattractive pig.
Beg your pardon? The actual pig face itself, it's more comic than say repulsive.
Your 28-day Rapido Weight Loss Plan has cost me almost £2,000 and on my first day I've been told to wear a pig mask! I can't help feeling you're seeing this in a slightly negative light.
How would you feel if you were in that class and you were told that you were the fattest person in the room and then made to wear a pig mask? I'm not sure I'd be the fattest person in the room.
Beg your pardon?! I'm sorry you've been less than elated with our programme, Mrs Wylde, and I'd like Muzz.
I'm sorry? I prefer to be known as Muzz.
Like Madonna or Lulu.
What? Just a one word name, "Muzz.
" Like Bez from the Happy Mondays.
What on Earth are you talking about? I prefer to be known as Muzz Wylde, not Miss or Mrs.
I prefer to keep my marital status to myself.
Yes, good idea, keep 'em guessing.
Oh, come on, not again.
Ms Wylde, we would like to offer you a free California hydrotherapy session, by way of apology for any distress caused.
Completely free, worth £150.
Hmm, well, I'm still not happy.
Well, I would never suggest that.
This is "colonic irrigation".
Guaranteed to lose up to four pounds in one session.
Well, it'll have to do for now.
But you haven't heard the last of this.
Of course not, that would be madness.
Thank you so much, enjoy the rest of your day.
Alison, I Oh? I'm down here, hang on.
I'm sorry I had to rush out earlier, but I did call and get someone to cover the desk.
Yeah, well, you can't just waltz off whenever you feel like it, Sally.
I will make up the time at the end of the day.
And tell Davina she's got Fatty Mon-Batty coming in for a free colonic.
Although Christ knows if she's got a hose big enough for an arse that sss Size.
So, that's two colonics for Davina.
I'm sorry? Well, one colonic hydrotherapy for Fatima Mon-Bate and I see Ms Wylde has a voucher for one too.
Fatima what? Fatima Mon-Bate.
Yes, how is Fatima? Miss Mon-Bate? Oh, she's doing really well.
She's just upgraded to our platinum package.
Ms Wylde, I hardly noticed you there, was there something else? My bag.
Of course.
No worries.
So, if you can fill in this form, take a seat, someone will see you as soon as possible, if not before.
How they see me before as soon as possible? I've no idea.
Next one please.
Hi, Sally, I'm here to see Alison.
Good morning.
Can I ask you to fill out this form and take a seat next to the slightly dwarfy-looking boy at the end? Sally, I'm Costas.
Hello, Costas.
Oh, are you Turkish? Oh, I bet you can cook all that lovely Turkish food, can't you? I love that green stuff.
Oh, what's it called? Tombola.
Sally, I'm Costas, the chief exec of the Spa Leisure Group.
We've met countless times.
I'm your boss.
Oh, my gosh! Did you used to have a moustache? No.
Glasses? No.
A wig? I'm here to see Alison.
Oh, she's interviewing at the moment, we're getting a new chef.
But I'm sure she'll be fine with you going straight through.
That's probably not a bad idea.
What's going on? I don't know.
She was going through my NVQs and she just fell asleep.
Alison? Alison! Yes! Yes.
Thank you, Jeffrey.
That all seems to be in order.
Um, some very small print on here, it's quite difficult to read.
But er, apart from that, very good.
Very good indeed.
We will let you know.
Costas, almost didn't see you creep in there.
Very bright lad, that.
I didn't "creep" anywhere.
You were asleep.
Um, I'm sorry? Look, forget it, we need to talk.
Quite a busy day here.
We need to talk about Rose.
Your cleaner? I've just come from the hospital.
Yes, how is Rose? I meant to pop in to see her over the weekend, but completely slipped my mind.
She jumped off the roof of this building because she felt she was being ignored by her employers.
How do you think she's feeling? Believe me, I have been absolutely distraught about it.
I've just immersed myself in my work.
People deal with grief in different ways, Costas.
Sorry, Alison, do you want to take your 11 o'clock massage now? Or are you OK to see another chef? Sally, what have I told you about crashing in? I am in conference with Mr Kleovoulu.
Right, no massage then.
Why do you need a new chef? Did the last one jump off the roof as well? Mrs Crabbe, this bag of clothes has been found in one of the treatment rooms.
What do you want me to do with it? Davina suggested the charity shop, but I thought I'd better check with you first.
Um It looks like a bag of washing.
I don't think a charity shop will take that.
It were stuffed into the back of the cupboard.
Just throw them Eric, we're abolishing all lost property.
Mrs Crabbe? Well, we could hang onto it for a few days I suppose.
Eric, incinerate the laundry and close the door behind you.
Oh, what a morning! How's you? You know they're interviewing for another chef today? Yeah, I did see that.
Why did they sack the last one? He was only here a couple of weeks.
They sacked him because he started seeing one of the girls in the kitchen.
How can they do that? They've done it.
He was lovely.
Yeah, a really nice guy, wasn't he? Got on really well with him.
Me too.
What was his name? Dunno.
Do you know what this is? A banana? No, this situation? No.
Unfair dismissal.
Well, yes, of course it is.
They tried to shaft Marcus when he had his accident here, they shafted Rose, look what happened to her.
Now they've shafted what's his name? You know what this place needs? Less shafting? Investigating.
This place needs investigating.
Well, I don't know about investigating.
My treatment room needs fumigating.
B-O-L-E-K "Bolek.
" And your name is? Oh, I'm Sally, nice to meet you.
The pleasure is all mine.
Are you sure she's expecting you? You're not on the list.
Oh, yes, she is expecting me.
I-I am the plumber.
Oh, you're not here for a job interview? Sorry, I thought you were one of the chefs.
There is a job for a chef? A full time job? Yeah, the other guy's gone, so we need a new chef.
Those two are early, so I'll squeeze you in quick, come on.
Hey, Sally, don't mention to Alison that I am a plumber.
OK, no problem.
Your accent, it's not Geordie, is it? No, it is Polish.
Oh, I bet you're from Poland.
Amazing! Yes? This is Bolek.
Hello, Bolek.
Take a seat.
Sorry, I'm not being racist, but is Bolek your Christian name, or your surname? I can't find your application.
I am not blaspheming when I say I'm not a Christian? Sorry? I make joke with you! My-my first name is Bolek.
Ginny tells me you are an amazing person.
Oh, she sent you about the boiler.
I thought you were Did she? Oh, yes.
She said you are more than a friend, she said she would trust you with her life.
She say she thinks of you as her sister.
Well, we have a laugh.
I am blessed that Ginny also thinks of me as a member of the family.
So, Ginny says you have work for me? Yes.
My boiler's been broken for a week and now I've got no water at all.
Alison, I am sorry, I'm not a plumber.
I am a chef.
Oh, it's just Ginny thought you could probably You're a chef? Yes.
Where have you worked before? Well, in Poland I work in many places, hotels, nice restaurants.
Once in a health spa.
Really? Yes.
Well, if you can get your CV, qualifications and references to me by the end of the day, I'll certainly add you to our list.
My papers are all in Poland.
It is the same for my brother Right, well, I'm sorry but .
who is a plumber.
Without references Your brother is a plumber? Yes.
Do you want me to ask him to fix your radiator? Boiler.
Boiler? You have no idea how difficult it is getting a plumber to turn up.
I mean, do they not want the work? I don't understand it.
You have no idea how difficult it is to find a job as a chef.
Even with family trying to help.
To be honest, none of these applicants have got two brain cells to rub together.
Can you start tomorrow? Tomorrow, I start.
Today, I learn the ropes in my own time.
And your brother? Brother? Your brother, the plumber? Ah, yes, yes, my brother.
My brother the plumber.
Yes, I will, I will call him.
I need hot water today.
Oh, of course, of course, I will not let you down.
The well, the plumber will not let you down.
My brother, the plumber Yes.
So, all being well, Rose will start back in a couple of weeks.
I went to the hospital earlier in the week.
I took her some crystals.
Well, that's a bit hardcore, isn't it? Crystal meth? She's in her 70s.
Healing crystals.
Oh, yeah.
She'll have been over the moon with those.
Keep up the good work.
Hi, everyone.
I just wanted to introduce Bolek, the latest addition to our big happy family.
How do you do? Eric.
I thought you were going to ask Costas about the other chef's unfair sacking? I was until I saw how fit the new one was.
Hey Bolek, welcome to The Spa.
Thank you, sir.
Thank you.
I would like to thank Alison for giving me this opportunity.
I mean, never before in my life have I been shown such kindness by such strange people.
I will not let you down.
I'll not let you down.
I think he means "strangers".
I knew it! Goodnight, Mrs Crabbe.
Night, Eric.
Oh, shit!