The Spa (2013) s01e03 Episode Script

A Rose Is A Rose Is A Rose

Come on, ladies, really stretch.
That's it, good work.
This'll make you think twice before sitting down in my class when you think I'm not watching, won't it, Mr Cronshaw? Yes, yes! Yes.
Argh! I thought you had fun at the cinema last week, hmm? Oh, I did.
Popcorn's my all-time favourite meal.
And the sweet one, it's my all-time favourite dessert.
But you say you don't want to go out with me again? Well, it never really was a date in the first place.
I told you I was going to the cinema and it was a coincidence that you were going that night too.
Yes, yes, a coincidence.
Now, this food order was delivered to the front desk, for some reason.
I sent it to the kitchen, did you get it? What order? Avocado and sea salt, cucumber and ginger and carrot and pumpkin seed.
Yes, I got this this morning.
Where did this come from? I don't know.
I had to use nearly one gallon of Polish mayonnaise with this crap to make the taste OK.
Hi, Sally.
"Good morning, Bolek.
" You don't need to use this weird accent when you say my name you know.
I'm just giving your ethnicity the respect it deserves.
Sounds like "you are speaking backwards.
" This how I sound? Um, Sally, can you let me know as soon as my body wrap preparations arrive? Yeah, of course.
What will they look like? I'm not sure, they're from a new company.
I'm diversifying.
We'll still offer the usual seaweed and chocolate body wraps, but I've also got someone booked in for a carrot and pumpkin seed body wrap this lunch time.
Sounds wonderful, doesn't it? What? Excuse me, I wonder if you can help me, I'm looking for the part of the health club where people stand around looking at each other as if they've forgotten whose turn it is to speak.
Oh, no worries, I think I've found it.
Davina, my office please.
OK, I'll bring this stuff back.
What stuff? The cucumber pumpkin whatever for Davina.
But I thought you've already mixed it with mayonnaise? It's OK.
I don't need the mayonnaise, it was out of date anyway.
Oh, OK.
The point is, if they don't think they're responsible for my accident, why won't they let me see the accident report book? I've no idea.
It's got to be in the filing cabinet in Alison's office.
You haven't got a key have you? Alison's the only one who's got a key.
I know she keeps it on the same fob as her car key, but apart from that, I can't help you.
I'm sorry, pal.
Yeah, OK.
Right, that's me.
Oh, you're very welcome to my sandwich if you want it.
Why, what's wrong with it? Why does there have to be something wrong with it? Oh my God! Sorry about that, just had to get a quick espresso.
You didn't want one, did you? No, no, thank you.
I find caffeine promotes fatigue, anxiety and irrational mood swings.
Really? It's the only stuff that keeps me going.
Have you ever thought about an elderflower and redbush infusion? Not recently.
Rose Cearney comes back to work today.
We're all very excited.
Yes, well, let's not let the wind blow too much up our skirts.
The fact is she's a lovely old lady but we need to get rid of her.
Oh, no, Alison.
I think you're wrong, really.
I look at The Spa not as a health club, but as a living organism.
Why does that not surprise me? And I see Rose as its life blood.
OK, if you're determined to have some kind of input in this conversation, Davina, you're going to have to start making sense.
We all have our separate areas of work here, but Rose moves throughout those channels, a common theme, bringing us all together in a united bond.
OK, you've had your chance.
Basically, we're booking Rose in for a couple of treatments today, as a "welcome back, "sorry you tried to throw yourself off the roof" kind of thing.
And during those treatments, I need you to convince Rose that it's time for her to hang up her rubber gloves.
But Rose really enjoys the company here.
Davina, I'm running a health club, not a retirement home.
Rose should be sitting drinking endless cups of tea singing songs about the war - that's what old people do when they've got no family.
I'm sorry, Alison, I can't do it.
Rose does have family, I'm her family, you're her family.
Sally on reception, Marcus, Vron, all family.
I'm sorry, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
You're a breath away from lighting a candle and singing "We Are The World".
Convince her she should take retirement.
Believe me, it's the best thing for her.
Oh, um, I know Eric's in charge of Rose's welcome back present, but I've bought her something.
And it was quite expensive actually.
We're obviously paying you too much.
So, I was wondering if you'd care to make a little contribution towards it? It depends.
Is it something sensible like a pair of slippers? Or are you asking me to chip in for a 70-year-old woman to have her aura cleansed? No, it's nothing like that.
I've bought her an antique Native American Indian dream catcher.
There you are.
I-I'm just glad to be back.
I didn't mean to cause all this fuss.
No, you deserve it.
Oh, absolutely.
We're just so glad you didn't die when you jumped off the roof.
My cousin jumped off a roof and killed himself, but he had mental health problems.
Anyway, welcome back, Rose.
- Three cheers for Rose.
- Hip hip.
Hip hip.
Hip hip.
What the hell is all this racket? - She's back! She's only back! - Hey-hey! They said give her another week off and I said "No, I want that "woman back here where she belongs, in the bosom of her family.
" How are you, Rose? I'm fine, Mrs Crabbe, absolutely fine.
I just want to get on with me work Now, I've got some good news and some bad news.
The good news is, Rose is back.
Yeah! The bad news is, you're all going to have to clean up after yourselves today, as she won't be doing a stroke of work, because I've booked her in for a day of treatments, courtesy of The Spa.
Oh, no, I wouldn't like that.
Right, now, haven't you all got work to do? Alison, can I have a word? If it's quick.
We all chipped in and got you a welcome back present, Rose, but you're not getting it till this afternoon so no snooping around trying to find it, eh.
Just give me ten minutes, Rose, and I'm coming to get you.
I've got a body pump class at 12, Rose, only if you feel up to it, of course.
You have a look of my cousin actually.
Very sad eyes.
Oh! Hello, The Spa, Sally speaking, how can I help? I just wanted to get on with me work.
Marcus, can we make it quick? I've got an important meeting in town in half an hour.
Yeah, I just wanted to say, um, oh, what was it? Um, resistance bands.
Resistance bands? I was thinking we should introduce them here at The Spa.
Marcus, when will you ever learn? I didn't get to be Slimmer of the Decade by having some backstreet surgeon slash me open and artificially reduce my stomach to the size of a gob-stopper.
That's a gastric band.
I said "resistance bands.
" Oh, right.
I thought you said "gastric.
" Um, yes, resistance bands, yes.
I'm all for them.
How many shall I order? Um, just one for now, see how it goes.
One resistance band, in a gym with a 1,200 membership? One box, I meant, obviously.
I'll order "one box.
" Great.
Er, which sizes? Well, I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that.
OK, what if I ask the members to measure their heads and then I find the average? Yeah.
But why would I do that? Resistance bands don't go round your head.
Look Marcus, don't point score with me.
We all know you're in a wheelchair.
I beg your pardon? What I mean is You can't say that.
I'm in this chair as a result of an accident at work, arising from your negligence! Ever since you got in that chair, you seem to think you're beyond approach.
It's reproach.
See what I mean? Alison, I've just had a message from Ginny.
She was calling from Xander's Wine Bar, she's lost her phone.
That'll be your high-powered meeting, in a wine bar.
Yes, Marcus, responsible adults can have a meeting in a wine bar without having a party.
The message is, "Don't forget, babes, my birthday drinks are at one, "I've been here since 11.
00 and I'm absolutely shit-faced.
" My friend Ginny has an unfortunate alcohol intolerance.
She's obviously lost her medication with her phone.
Oh, I'm sorry, there's another bit.
"Be a doll, Ali, and bring me a clean pair of knickers, "I've not been home since last night.
" Oh, for God's sake.
Car keys.
You're still here? I'm on my way out.
Yeah, I can see that.
Oh, Vron, have you got a minute? Yeah, sure.
What's going on? Well, just wanted to warn you, there's been a bit of a complaint.
What sort of complaint? It's from a Mr Cronshaw, he's a new member.
Something about public humiliation, physical violence and mental torture.
Oh, right.
Um, has Alison seen this yet? Not yet, no.
OK, because you do know about the new complaints procedure, don't you? Oh, no, what is it? Oh, it's really complicated.
Do you know what, do you want me to look after it? Oh, that's really kind of you, would you mind? Course not, give us it here.
Oh, and can you email me Mr Cronshaw's contact details as well? Yeah, sure.
What do you want? Oh, you know, mobile phone number, home address, land line, car reg, like that kind of thing.
Oh, my goodness, this new complaints procedure sounds a right pain.
Oh, yeah, there'll be quite a lot of pain involved.
There you go, all done.
Thanks so much for doing this, Vron.
Oh, no worries.
The pleasure will be all mine.
Tony how old do you think I am? It's funny innit, you don't want to guess a woman's age because if you guess too high you piss them off, but if you guess too low, then it sounds like you What did you say? I said 48.
Yeah, yeah, I'm 48.
How did you know that? Because you told me five times in the last half hour.
You see, if you asked me to guess your age, I'd say Tony it doesn't matter.
And do you know what you'd say to me? I'd say my name isn't Tony, it's Chris.
You'd say, "Do you know what, Ginny? You're absolutely right.
" Because you're a man and you don't give a flying feck about what I think, do you? Absolutely not.
Oh my God, how long have you been here? Three hours.
About an hour.
Come on, let's get you home.
No, no, no, no, no.
I want you to have one drink with me, just one drink.
No, come on, Ginny, look I've got some pants in my bag, let's just go.
Do you know how old I am? She's 48.
I'm 48 years old and I just want to have a drink with my best friend Diet Coke, please.
but she's dead! She died in 1978 crushed to death at a Brotherhood of Man concert.
What about me? I never knew you in 1978.
Did you bring me some knickers? What is it? It's a Native American Indian dreamcatcher.
I don't want that, it looks like a hangman's noose! Dr Goodard said I mustn't have anything in my flat that reminds me of death.
Not after my suicide attempt.
It's a dream catcher.
I don't like it! And I don't like this either! This is an avocado and sea salt wrap, it's very good for you.
Dr Goodard said I mustn't have too much salt.
This salt is outside, not inside your body.
I dunno, it's pretty borderline in a couple of places.
Why is it so sticky? That'll be the avocado, wonderful source of beta-carotene and lutein.
My friend Moira moved to Luton.
No, lutein, it's an antioxidant.
It wasn't an accident, she moved cos she wanted to be nearer to her daughter.
Rose This smells of mayonnaise.
Dr Goodard said I mustn't have mayonnaise, I'm allergic to dairy.
There's no mayonnaise in this, Rose, it's all completely natural products.
Relax to this whale music, and I'll be back in half an hour.
It's not Harry Secombe is it? He come from Wales.
Cor, I'd rather have a bit of Mario Lanza, ohh what a smashing-looking fella he was.
Tony, if you've got a minute, I'm dying of thirst up here.
Problem is, I got off with Barry.
Who's Barry? Barry's my cousin.
Ginny! Well, sort of half cousin - he was my dad's brother's son.
That's your full cousin.
Yeah, but he's only short - I don't think it really counts.
Well, at least you're getting something, even if it is probably illegal.
On that score, things are a complete wash-out for me.
Babes, babes, why don't you give Bolek a go? What?! My cleaner's boy.
Don't say you haven't had a look, he is ripe.
He's about 12.
24, babes, and at that age, Christ on a bike, they can't get enough.
I know, it was my cousin's 21st last You get me? Oh my God.
I've got to go.
Laters, babes.
Do you know, Tony, I'm 48 Oi, where are you going? He'd get it.
Shit! You all right? Did you want me? No, sorry.
I just wanted a bit of privacy.
Oh, you got the book then.
What's it say? I don't know yet.
The accident was on March 25th but the dates are all over the place.
I can't find the right page.
While you're here, what do you think? Da da! What is it? It's Rose's present.
Bird bath.
She lives in a flat.
Maybe she could lean the top bit out of the window.
See that's the 24th, but then it goes to the They've ripped it out.
Which means one thing, they're worried.
I've got it, if Rose hasn't got any birds outside, why don't I bring the birds inside! What? It'll only take a couple of hours to get this changed.
I've got to try and get this back.
I don't suppose you can help me get this outside, can you? I'm in a wheelchair, Eric! Deep breaths, Rose, the ambulance will be here any minute now.
Yes, she's breathing, but she looks like Mr Blobby.
You know, Mr Blobby from the Noel Edmonds thing.
Oh, I can't remember the name of the programme, it was years ago.
What's going on? Oh my God, what have you done to her?! I think she's had a slight reaction to the treatment.
A slight reaction? Jesus Christ, Davina, what did you wrap her in, battery acid? No, not Deal Or No Deal, way before that.
Where's that ambulance? I'm gonna die! Oh my God! I'm gonna die.
Marcus, go into the cabinet in my office, get Rose's file and find out if there's a mention of allergies of any kind.
Come on.
Oh, God.
She did mention something about an allergy.
I'm gonna die! Here, hot sweet tea.
Very sweet.
Don't give her that! Has it got milk in it? She's allergic to dairy.
That's it! Well, that wrap was avocado and sea salt.
Nothing dairy there.
I've brought my car round.
Let's get her to the hospital.
Up you get, Rose, that's it.
We've got you, we've got you.
You're going to be all right, Rose, you're going to be all right.
What's going on? Nothing, Eric, everything's fine.
Hey, Rose, I made you a bird bath, but I were told that you live in a flat, so Da da! Aaaarrrrrgh!! Get her out of here, get her to the hospital! It's to hang a cage from.
I thought, you know, another two quid each and we could get her a budgie.
What did I do?