The Spa (2013) s01e04 Episode Script

Love is a Losing Game

1 And let the ebb and flow come to a natural end.
That's great, Margaret, really great, June.
Hello? That's the end of the class now.
Thank you.
Don't forget to turn your hearing aids back on.
Why do I bother? Oh, excuse me, ladies.
Excuse me, ladies, hello? Can you ask somebody to come out and help me please? Hello?! I'm sorry, I'm pretty sure this voucher is non-transferable.
You show me where on that voucher it says "non-transferable.
" It's just here, at the bottom.
You've just written that yourself! I know, it's so you know the voucher is non-transferable.
This is ridiculous! I want to speak to the manager.
Ms Wylde, to what do we owe the pleasure? Eh? Just my small joke.
How can I help you? I don't want a colonic.
Well, I'm glad that's sorted out.
Sally, any messages? Someone called Peter rang.
He said he'd call back.
Peter who? Peter Andre, Peter Sellers? I'm pretty sure Peter Sellers is dead.
He was Inspector Gadget, wasn't he? But, I can Google it if you've got a minute.
Excuse me! I'm sorry, Ms Wylde, was there something else you didn't want? I have a voucher for colonic hydrotherapy, but I don't want to use it.
Well, not to worry.
We don't force you at gun point.
I want to swap it for something else.
I'm sorry, all vouchers are non-transferable.
Perhaps you could give it to a friend or is that being slightly presumptuous? Peter Sellers died July 1980.
Peter Andre is still alive.
You haven't heard the last of this! The thought never crossed my mind.
You don't have a phone number? For Peter Andre? I wish! No.
Oh, forget it.
Alison, what do you want me to do about the voucher? Oh, it's too early for all this, if she comes back, just kill her.
Sally, you do know that's a joke? Oh, right, a joke.
No problem.
What the hell is going on out there? Oh, you look like you've got enough on today.
It's an absolute nightmare.
I have double-booked two hypnotherapy appointments today.
Excuse me.
I'll do them.
Sorry? I'll cover them for you.
Hypnotherapy sessions? Yeah, I'm a qualified hypnotherapist.
I didn't know this, Vron.
Well, you never asked.
Same rates as our personal training? No, more.
Ј60 a session.
I'll email you the case notes.
This is so good of you, Vron.
I hate cancelling clients.
I can't thank you enough.
Eric, Eric, are you deaf?! I said I'm fine.
Have you a couple of towels there, Sally? It's raining cats and dogs.
Can you imagine if it really was raining cats and dogs? You'd be covered in blood from scratches and poo and wee and everything.
Aye, well, I'd better get back to work.
Yeah, cheers, Eric.
Oh, what happened to you, Marcus? Are you OK? Oh, I got stranded in the middle of the field and my wheels were just spinning round.
Are you not a member of a breakdown service? I was in my wheelchair, I wasn't in my car.
Do you know, it's everywhere you go, isn't it? Discrimination.
Hello there.
You must be Sally, we spoke earlier on the phone.
My name's "Peedah", Peter Kelly.
Kelly PR and management.
I'm here to see Alison Crabbe.
Oh, you're the Peter.
We were just trying to fathom out who you were.
Alison, it wasn't Peter Andre after all.
No, he's much, much shorter than Peter Andre.
I mean I've never met Peter Andre, but there's no way he's as short as this.
It's Peter Kelly.
She'll be with you in a few minutes if you'd like to take a seat, Mr Peters.
We do a lot of work with Peter Andre, a lot of work, I've got to tell you, I'm exactly the same height as him.
The name's Kelly.
Peter Kelly.
Yes, Sally, you can send him in now.
You look amazing.
What do you want, Peter? This is purely a social visit, it has been too long.
I'll tell you exactly how long it's been - six months.
Six months since you borrowed my car for two hours and then texted me a week later with the address of where it had been left - in a multi-storey car park Ali.
In Paris.
You left my car in Paris, Peter.
Have you lost weight again? You do look amazing.
Now, I assume you haven't come to give me the Ј600 it cost me to retrieve my car, so why don't you just tell me what you want, I'll tell you you can't have it and you can be on your way? Ali Let's try again, eh? Oh for God's sake! What? Come on, Ali, me and you against the world.
No, Peter, it would be you and me against your debt and county court judgements.
Where did we go wrong, babe? Well, when you say "we", I assume you mean "you," so let me think, the pyramid savings scheme, the imaginary champagne club, the car rental business you tried to start with my car.
I never said I was perfect, Ali.
I never said that about myself, but I often said it about you.
It wouldn't work.
I'm just trying to move forward with my life, Peter.
You're the one, Ali.
You're the only one.
You always were.
Hold that thought.
Hey, Sophie, how's the shoot going, mate? No, no, no, I told you, hang onto those bikini bottoms.
Hey, listen, I know it's a topless calendar, but we've got to try and keep it tasteful, eh? All right, you get back to work and give my love to your mum.
OK, babe.
Get out! What? What? Look, I was just, I'm getting a bit of modelling for my neighbour's daughter.
It's totally kosher, she's 21.
Yes, Sally, could you ask Eric to come down here please? Mr Kelly needs some help leaving.
Ali, darling, listen, I'll tell you why I'm here, huh? I've started this new company, it's my first big gig coming up, it's going to be huge.
Listen to this, the Hertfordshire Businesswoman of the Year Awards.
Ali, I know how much I owe you and it's time I gave you something back.
Think about it.
"Alison Crabbe, Hertfordshire Businesswoman of the Year.
" Eh? Think of the publicity, eh? Local television, maybe even national.
Who exactly decides on who wins Hertfordshire Businesswoman of the Year? Well, it is voted for by 200 local companies.
But I count the votes.
Do you now? Yes, I do.
However, there is a slight snag.
Oh, here we go.
Well, the award ceremony was supposed to be on Friday and the venue's let me down.
I don't know.
Hang on a minute, I know what.
We could do it right here.
And that idea just popped into your head! I knew you wanted something.
Ali, business is business, babe.
You scratch my back, I'll massage yours.
You wanted me, Mrs Crabbe? Oh, er, no, thanks, Eric, everything's fine.
No problem.
Oh, Mr Kelly.
Nice to see you.
Eric, you look terrific.
I wonder if I could have a word with you about that case of champagne.
We ordered it for our Angela's wedding, and well, she's been divorced now for over a year.
No problem, Eric, as soon as I've finished here.
I'll be in reception.
I don't suppose there's another way out of here is there? 47, 48, 49 You are now fast asleep.
But can still hear my voice.
OK, your arms are now very light.
They each have balloons tied to them and are floating towards the ceiling.
Oh my God! So what do you say? I'm sorry, Marcus, you're asking me to lie.
But it's not a lie, I've told you what happened and it's the truth.
I just need you to say that you were there.
Oh my God! You are not going to believe this.
Vron, do you mind? I'm sorry, pal, I'm two year off retiring.
I've just got to get my head down and get on with my work.
That hypnosis client I covered for Davina, it actually worked.
I can actually do it.
Vron, can I ask you something? If I can keep this up and get more clients, I can practically double my income.
I need a witness to my accident here at The Spa.
I didn't see it happen.
But what if you did? Are you deaf? I just said I didn't.
Yeah, I know, but what if you did? Oh, I see what you mean.
No, I'm sorry, mate, I can't jeopardise my job here.
I mean both my jobs.
I understand.
I know, why don't I hypnotise you into making you think your legs work again, eh? Eh? Think about it.
Bo, you'll never guess what Yes, the details are all the same, except at the bottom I'd like you to remove Leighton Buzzard's Slimmer of the Decade and replace it with Hertfordshire Businesswoman of the Year.
That's right.
No rush, no, Monday morning will be fine.
Thank you.
Finally! I asked for that coffee about half an Oh, hello, Costas.
So, I hear congratulations are in order.
Really? A little bird tells me that somehow you're the front runner for this little awards show we're hosting this evening.
And you raised an eyebrow at that? I laughed so hard, I had to change my pants.
How much did you pay them? I think you'll find the winner is voted by 200 local businesses.
Let's just say I'm quietly confident.
Sorry about the wait, it's bedlam out there.
I also want to take this opportunity to give Rose an award.
Rose? I hardly think mopping up sick after fatties trying to touch their toes deserves Businesswoman of the Year! I want to give Rose something to keep her on our side.
Maybe an award for long service.
We already have another member of staff threatening to make a claim against us, and you've put Rose in hospital two times in almost as many weeks.
Not me personally.
Sorry to interrupt, I was talking to Rose earlier, she's got two great-grandchildren in New Zealand she's never seen.
Sally, we're not about to give Rose a flight to New Zealand for mopping floors.
Do I look like Cilla Black? It was a rhetorical question.
It's a nice idea, Sally, but we don't have that sort of budget.
Look, I'll make some enquiries though and maybe we can help out, somehow.
Sally, for all our sakes, just stick to answering the phone and making tea.
Well, no, apparently the only thing stopping Rose going to New Zealand is her fear of flying.
I thought we could maybe offer her a free hypnotherapy session with Vron.
Vron's doing hypnotherapy now? Oh, yeah, she's completely booked out.
She's amazing, apparently.
That's brilliant.
Sally, absolutely brilliant.
Can you organise that? I'll action that straight away.
Looks like your staff are running circles around you, Alison.
Let's hope you do win this award today, it would be a great disappointment for you to be the only one at The Spa not making any progress.
I'll see you tonight.
How old are you now, Rose? I'm five and a half.
And where are you? I'm sitting on Daddy's knee.
We're playing Ride A Cock Horse.
Ride a what? Cock Horse.
I'm not sure I like the sound of that.
All right, get off Daddy's knee No.
I like it.
Ride a cock horse to Banbury Cross, to see a fine lady All right Rose, stop it, you're creeping me out.
We've been through your entire childhood and there is nothing that would give you a fear of flying.
I think we need to delve a little deeper.
Oh, Bolek, this wine's a bit murky, is it all like this? Yes.
There was no time to make an order.
This out of date wine is from my friend's Polish supermarket.
We can't give people out of date wine.
30p a bottle.
This award is for the Best Retailer It's actually not that bad.
Of Moulded Plastics.
Janette Diddle of Diddle's Plastics.
Well done, Janette.
Give her a round of applause please.
All right girl? How's it going? Have I missed much? You look very smart.
Aw, thanks, babes.
Well, you know, I didn't want to let the side down if I win.
If you win what? If I win.
Cheers Bo, how's it going here? All right? It is a job.
Have you been entered for Businesswoman of the Year? Yeah.
I left you a message the other day saying me and Peter got together and I hope you didn't mind.
And then he entered me, for the competition I mean, and in the other way, obviously.
I was never good at playing hard to get.
There you go, Janette Diddle everyone.
Give her a round of applause, what about that? And now we have come to the pinnacle of the event.
When we think of icons of business, legends such as Alan Sugar, Richard Branson and Oprah Winfrey spring to mind.
Well, Peter Kelly, PR and Management are proud to present someone who has met all of those people, with the exception of Oprah Winfrey, of course.
Will you please welcome Bonnie Langford? Thank you Peter.
Thank you.
Thank you Peter.
You're welcome.
It's such a pleasure to be here today.
Now, seeing all your friendly faces reminds me of the wonderful time I had working on Doctor Who.
I remember one day in particular, it was pouring with rain, of course, and I turned to Sylvester McCoy and said Just open the envelope love.
Oh, OK, thank you.
So, the winner of the Hertfordshire Businesswoman of the Year 2012 is Virginia Trench Aarrrrgh! From Trench's Riding School and Stables.
I don't believe it! Still quietly confident, Alison? I thought not.
Just quiet.
Oh, oh! Oh I don't know what to say, you know.
I'd just like to thank everyone who voted for me, um, all my staff at the stables, and um, my friends and family.
And finally, the one person who I always look to for inspiration, whether it be business or personal.
The one person who I have always admired and I think one day please, God, I'll be as good as you.
The legendary Miss Beyonce Knowles! Oooh, thank you.
Thank you.
There you are, Bonnie Langford everyone, of course, and Ginny Trench.
Yeah, well done, Ginny with a most moving and gracious speech.
And thanks also to Alison Crabbe.
Well, we are most indebted to The Spa and I would like to call upon its managing director, Costas Kleovulou, to come and make a special announcement.
Costas Kleovulou everyone.
Thank you, Peter, thank you, Bonnie, and thank you, ladies and gentlemen, for coming this evening.
Bad luck Alison.
You know I always say it's not the winning that's important, it's the Davina! Sorry.
To use this opportunity to give an award Haven't you got work to do? I just wanted to make sure Rose is OK.
OK? Why wouldn't she be OK? Well, Vron tried some age regression on her, found out the cause of her fear of flying.
That's good, isn't it? Not really.
Apparently in a previous life, Rose was a Japanese kamikaze fighter pilot.
Put your hands together for Rose Cearney.
Rose, we'd like to present you an award for your long service and excellence and your dedication here at The Spa.
And I know that you have two great grandchildren in New Zealand that you'd like to visit, so, in conjunction with Foldgate Travel, we'd like to present you with this 50% voucher off any flight to New Zealand.
Any what? Any flight at all.
Rose, you're going to fly Fly Fly Fly To New Zealand.
Do you want to come and sit over here, there's? Are you all right love? Argh! That's it.
Way back to your previous life.
Now, who am I speaking to? "From now on, you will only address me as Mein Fuhrer.
" OK, what I want you to do I beg your pardon?