The Split (2018) s01e01 Episode Script

Episode 1

1 ALARM BEEPS SHE SIGHS Honestly, Hannah, it's completely inappropriate.
- Dad! - Not to mention deeply damaging.
You're paying the therapy bills.
I thought it was Disney.
- It was about a man who loved a dolphin.
- A lot.
- I'm sending you to boarding school.
- Well, Tilly watched it, too! Right, both of you.
Eat your bagel.
Thank you.
- New? - Er, no.
Yes.
Hot.
- Dad! - What? I've got lunch.
With the new management team.
How is Christie? - Still Danish? - Fine.
And he's still Dutch.
Tremendous.
TV: The truth is, you don't get on with your ex-wife.
No, I mean, that's why the show is called My Ex-Wife No, we won't at this time of day mention the actual name of the show.
But what would she say about you, Rex? She'd probably call me something worse.
Yes, she would.
KIDS SHOUT AND ARGUE If you want to kill each other, can you wait till after tonight? - I hate you! I hate you! - I hate you more! - That's mine.
- Give it back.
Liv, can you pull your skirt up a little higher? Grandma's birthday card, it's on the TV.
Do not let me get drunk tonight.
Do not drink.
Don't be an arsehole.
Do not be late.
We agreed if I was late, you would cover.
Your family, your mother's birthday.
- I'm in court until - Four plus I have a mountain of briefs.
- Call Nina.
- She won't come.
Then I'll have to leave a message and then she'll have the upper hand.
I have to see her twice today.
Twice once at the office, once at the party.
- It's just six weeks, Hannah.
- And happily counting.
That's what happens when you walk from the family firm.
But she's your sister, you'll talk.
Plus, tonight, you'll drink.
You'll make your speech and then You know, I stopped listening five minutes ago.
- Oh, it is this the menopause? - Oh, there it is! Your arsehole status at once confirmed.
Bins.
Go brighten someone else's day.
Oi.
Hey, hey.
INDISTINCT CHATTER Hey, Donna.
Be careful.
Your mother's on fine form.
Running late again? We keeping count? Your sister is threatening to use my old wedding dress.
I couldn't tell her I burned it.
I suspect she's rooting through my wardrobe as we speak.
Hope and Pope.
That's today? You're facing Hannah? Who's still pissed off because, as we know, you didn't step down and let her take over like you promised.
Update.
We're sticking on a couple of financial points.
- Child access? - Also holding us up.
His ex-wife's upset so his son's upset and now refusing to see him.
Delay the decree absolute if you need to.
Yes.
That's what I thought.
Sorry, happy No, no.
No happy birthdays.
My Ex-Wife's A Bitch.
- Catchy.
- I thought so.
A little premature, not officially an ex-wife until after the decree absolute is in.
And he asked himself why she won't let him see their child.
I'll have security close by.
- War room? - Booked.
The Pearson meeting is set for tomorrow, I briefed counsel.
Watson, Demova, all to be signed.
And your father was here.
I think he might still be downstairs.
Right.
I thought I saw him in the square.
- I put it - No.
Cancel.
He was pretty insistent he wanted to see you.
- He can't.
- Oh, and Christie wants to brief you on your nine o'clock.
- What nine o'clock? - Moving in is making progress, then? A corner window would be making progress.
Tell me who I have to sleep with.
Susie Mackin, HR, second floor.
It's a Mother's Day present.
You dodged that bullet.
Whatever you are asking, no.
David McKenzie.
His business makes up 3% of JJ Johnson's entire turnover.
I won't poach from any of the big five.
You found him, late last night, we got the call.
He needs someone senior in family law.
There isn't a kid who doesn't own a pair of his trainers.
- Can't Xander? - Your name stands for something.
- They hear Defoe and - Stern.
I'm Stern now.
Curious, you never thought of using your married name before.
What can I say? Nathan finally wore me down.
- You OK? - Er Did you tell her? David McKenzie.
Mr and Mrs McKenzie.
Hannah Stern, senior partner.
And this is my junior solicitor, Maggie.
- Hiya.
- So, perhaps you'd like to bring me up to speed.
Thank you.
Davey? This is my new lawyer, Goldie, love.
She's going to help me.
- With what? - With our divorce.
We'll find you one of your own, of course.
You've been an exemplary wife and I can't fault you as a mother.
You'll be recompensed.
You'll get a healthy allowance, pay for your travel.
There'll be, you know, a small income from your shares.
We should tell the children soon.
I think they already suspect.
I'm sorry.
I just don't love you any more.
Mrs McKenzie why not take a breath? She had no representation.
She didn't even know why she was there.
So you ended the meeting? - Yeah, of course.
- Set up another with Mr McKenzie alone.
And he can instruct us formally on his divorce.
I don't do circus.
This will be circus.
- Who doesn't love a circus? - Never have.
Hate clowns.
Your mother warned me.
You prefer to encourage settlement.
You don't burn up enough hours in court.
There's a certain paradox in a divorce lawyer - who's actually averse to divorce.
- I'm not averse He is a multimillionaire who wants us to litigate so you will litigate.
And it will be a war.
I Please tell my wife I I'll meet her downstairs.
Just as a matter of interest was she given any legal advice, your wife, before she came in at all? No, of course not.
She didn't know you were going to divorce her today.
- To be clear - No, to be clear, legally, she's entitled to 50% and if I'm going to represent you, you need to know I play by the book.
So if there is anything you are keeping secret, now would be the time to say.
Careful, Mrs Stern.
Remember what you said.
Take a breath.
Bill me for the skirt.
You need to get a wet wipe on that.
Thank you.
Do you enjoy this, watching people tear themselves apart? No.
But I trained from an early age.
Mrs McKenzie I know you want to run right now but if I may give you some advice? Get the best solicitor you can afford.
Keep swimming past the sharks, you find someone who can put herself in your shoes, to give you the divorce she would want if she were to ever find herself there.
She? I'll ask Maggie to pull up a list.
Thank you.
No, I don't want a bloody lift.
Ah, hello.
Hannah Stern? - Just over there.
- Thank you.
Oh.
Technically, I own half of that.
Technically, you own 10%.
It was for the Thompson case.
I won the Thompson case that got Mrs Thompson both houses - and retained her sanity.
- The shares? Nice sweetener.
Hello, Hannah.
Hello, Nina.
- New hair.
- New job.
Does Rex know Eddie's here? And Sarah wants to keep it that way.
He broke the terms of their agreement.
My Ex-Wife's A Bitch, he didn't think of mentioning it? She's a comedy agent, she was his agent, she knows the way this works.
Yeah, well, hell hath no fury like an agent scorned.
What's David McKenzie doing downstairs? Nice shirt.
Mr Pope, your ex-wife is experiencing considerable distress - seeing her life - Former life.
with you continually sourced as material.
Well, it's pretty distressing For my client not to be able to see his son.
It's been three weeks since he's had Eddie.
You can't use the gags about my mother's cancer.
Not even the chemo party bit? You see what I've got to work with here? Have you got nothing happy to write about? You used to find this funny.
You used to say there was nothing so bad you couldn't take the piss out of it.
How else do I shine this shit?! - When you loved me - Yeah, WHEN I loved you.
But then you used to be funnier than this.
All we would ask is that you find an alternative source for your comedy.
Otherwise the current situation with regard to spending time with your son may be made permanent.
No.
No, no, no, no.
Our concern is that the continued separation between my client and his son compounds a growing parental alienation.
- I love my son.
- You think this is loving him? Sorry, I need a break.
- You off, then? - You need to stay calm.
Do not do this.
Do not make threats with visitation, Hannah, do not screw with us.
It's not a threat.
We've negotiated a settlement.
- We're nearly agreed - How do you think Rex is going to pay for it? This tour, he needs this tour.
I'm concerned for him.
He's on the edge, he really is.
No-one is disputing your client's right to tour we're just disputing his rights to what's in it.
This is not fair on the kid.
When has divorce ever been fair on the kids? - You're coming tonight? - Yeah, of course.
- Rosie called.
- And texted.
Several times.
I could have brought stuff.
- I always bring stuff.
- Yeah, well, this time, we did it.
- You get to give the speech.
- Great, yeah, lucked out there.
I'm tasked with balloons.
Shiny.
It's a surprise party.
- She knows.
You know she knows.
- No.
She just hates birthdays.
Exactly, so a surprise party, it's insane.
Hey.
Christie Carmichael! Last time I saw you was the night before Hannah's wedding in our back garden.
Dancing so badly to Wonderwall.
- Oh, please.
- Hannah never approved of the innocent rave.
That is ridiculous, that is totally ridiculous, because I raved.
- We raved.
- You never raved.
- You took her in.
- Your loss is our gain.
Oh, you got grey.
I like it.
The Dolan papers, did you sign? Because I left them on your desk.
I need them signed and picked up in the next hour.
Right.
Hannah.
Nina.
- He got better with age.
- Oh, please.
Seriously.
- Is he ? - Divorced.
Sorry, I know you prefer them attached.
Hey little man.
We need to find a compromise here.
Cutting "My ex-wife swore a lot.
Sometimes I get offended just by what came out of her mouth.
For example, my best friend's cock.
" That might be a start.
- It's always better for the child to see their dad.
- Not always.
Dad left us when you were seven.
Eight, I was eight.
If he is fundamentally a good father - We did - It is always better for the child.
We did fine.
Start with the tweets.
Cut the tweets and we MIGH get him his Wednesdays back.
My client will desist with tweets but he asks in return you consider giving back weekends.
0n the proviso that any material that also relates directly to my client on the marital breakdown is removed from any live tours or broadcasts.
A transcript of the modified material would be provided.
Fine.
It will be subject to approval, of course.
So, let's regroup after lunch and review.
That stuff about when he was a baby, when Eddie was a baby and that time when we were at your mother's and I started to leak you can keep that stuff.
- You think? - I snorted out my tea when I read that bit.
PHONE RINGS Hey.
How are you? Yeah, all good, good.
The new man.
Support on my last tour.
That makes me the warm up act.
- Do you need me to get lunch for you all? - I think we're fine.
Not even for Eddie? He's here? - Eddie? - Sarah was forced to bring him with her today.
- Take Sarah to my office.
- Eddie! Rex, please, this isn't helping anyone.
Eddie! - Stop him.
- You stop it.
Eddie! Call security.
- Mr Pope.
- I'm sorry if I upset you.
Look, I just want to see him.
- That's enough.
- OK, OK, OK, all right.
Hey! - Hey, all right? - Eddie, it's fine, it's OK, it's OK, buddy.
- It's all right, Daddy's just - I'm sorry, mate.
- Where is he? - In the boardroom.
I calmed him down.
He's not moving until he gets to talk to Eddie.
- He doesn't want lunch.
- Fine, nil by mouth.
Smoke him out.
I don't want to fight.
No, you just don't want to fight unless it's with a smile.
I'm late.
See you.
Back at three.
What is bugging you today? He's back.
Dad.
I saw him.
This morning, down in the square.
You recognised him? - I wouldn't.
- Of course you wouldn't.
- You haven't seen him since you were seven.
- Eight, for the last time.
Did you speak to him? - And say what? - "Where have you been for the last 30 years?" - Does he want to see us? - I don't know.
I have to go.
Hannah.
How did he look? Old.
OK, as you all know, we've been getting a lot of interest from Chicago.
- Obviously we're excited about expanding.
- Excuse me interrupting.
- Nathan Stern! - Christie Carmichael.
Hong Kong clearly agreed with you.
Ah, you've been keeping track of me? - You look well.
- You owe me a fiver.
I kept my hair.
Ah.
Xander, Nathan Stern.
- Xander Hill.
- You represented Nichols.
- Yeah, a challenging case.
- And won.
Yeah.
Nathan has been instrumental in changes to the law involving foreign surrogates.
I keep track of you, too.
Right, well, I couldn't pass by without kissing my wife.
Your mother, one o'clock.
Still spinning your exit like a rabid hamster.
Enjoy your lunch.
PHONE RINGS Hello? Um Would you excuse me a moment? David McKenzie? Apparently he's unhappy with his solicitor.
fortuitous that we put in a call.
First rule: all bets are off until the letter of engagement is signed.
That's invaluable advice.
- Are you coming tonight? - So you do know? I said you'd know.
You always know everything.
At least look surprised, if only for Rosie's sake.
No speeches, by the way.
That's that's not good.
We had a window of opportunity and it has been firmly closed.
- Yeah, I'll sort it.
- We've lost him.
There's nothing to sort.
Learn from this.
It won't happen again.
No-one died.
Not yet.
You are so late.
And you are a part-time nanny.
My work here is done.
I've left Hannah, like, five messages.
- She's had a new haircut.
- You've seen her? Working on a case, we're communicating by semaphore.
The shining Christmas, you didn't speak till - May.
- Is that when you were with PsychoJohh? - Do you ever think of Dad? - No.
He walked out when I was two.
After I was left by the Monkees.
That's a myth of your own making.
What you and Hannah said.
God, I hate you two.
You say things, then you say you never said them.
You keep stuff from me.
That's because you are young and impressionable.
I'm getting married in two months.
Exactly, how is the mouth breather, by the way? - He has a sinus problem.
- Uh-huh.
And the other little problem? He's not gay.
James is not gay.
We live in fluid times.
If he was gay, he'd say.
I'm never getting drunk with you again.
He's gentle and you're irritating.
Essential part of my remit.
I've got to go.
Don't make a scene tonight, all right? No inappropriate behaviour, no getting drunk, no turning up with randoms.
- Nina! - Don't get blown away! When Nina was in my office, was the McKenzie letter of engagement out? Thank you.
Shall we? You can see that my client has made considerable strides to modify.
"My ex-wife is very sexually adventurous.
Her favourite thing was having sex in a public place: her vagina.
" My delivery's a bit better.
I'm talking about ex-wives in general.
"We used to enjoy doing the mannequin challenge, or as she called it, having sex.
" I'm laughing at myself as much as I'm laughing at you, Sarah.
- No, Mr Pope, the joke is entirely on your wife.
- I've cut half my act.
Misogynistic, deeply offensive, with little attempt to meet our demands.
- You have to leave me with something.
- No, no more chances, Mr Pope.
I'd like to consult with my colleague.
A word.
- OK, cut to it, Hannah.
- David McKenzie was my client.
Then you should have done a better job of keeping him.
Instead you're taking it out on them and screwing this up.
- This isn't you.
- But it is you.
Don't ever go in my office again.
You walked out of Defoes, you don't get to tell me what to do now.
I do, however, give my client the best advice I can.
And I need to think about this child.
Therefore, we retract the offer of every Wednesday night, and we have no intention of extending visitation rights to weekends.
I have got a father who is not going to leave that boardroom - until he sees his son.
- Well, remind him you bill by the minute.
Third button, you might want to do that up.
- Have you consulted with your client on this first? - I don't need to.
She'll be in agreement.
How about yours? Is that better for you? And look, I'm not even smiling.
- Hannah.
- You need to trust me on this, Sarah.
Something's different today.
That's where you've been hiding.
Oh No! You didn't? Don always said he wanted them a little bigger, so - Carningham clinic? - Yeah.
Didn't I say? Just got to enjoy them now, love.
Oh, golly.
To Don.
Rest in peace.
Oh, sweetheart.
You nursed him until the end.
No-one could have got better care.
Drink up.
Bubbles'll die.
INDISTINCT CHATTER - See you, girls.
Charlie.
- Bye-bye, girls.
Are you all right? Oh, something and nothing with Davey.
It'll be fine.
Really? I love you, Goldie.
Don't ever forget that, OK? - Hi.
- Hiya.
Can you follow that cab? Right, OK, love.
Oh, God.
You gave man the constant help of woman.
So that man and woman should no longer be two flesh but one.
May the love that brought us here together today continue to grow and mature with each passing year.
Amen.
- Amen.
- Amen.
I know, it can be strange when you're not used to it.
But I'm here not only to offer you spiritual guidance but also emotional and practical.
That's great.
Sorry.
- You were rude.
- Priests are funny.
- He's a vicar.
- It's ridiculous.
We don't even - I believe - Don't say it.
- Do not say it.
- that there's something.
Oh, my God, are you going to say it? I believe in Jesus.
THEY LAUGH You were the one who wanted to get married in a bloody church.
Hannah.
You look just like your mother.
Er, did you Would you, er, give her this? It is today, hmm? Her birthday? It didn't make the post, so if you could.
Would you mind? My father went out to buy a newspaper and never came back.
I can only assume that while he was out, some catastrophic accident must have happened cos there's no other acceptable reason for how he could leave us like that.
- Hannah.
- My father is dead.
Sarah's already gone with Eddie but he's refusing to go home.
He's still cutting material.
Nina said she'd wait, but apparently she's got a party to go to, so So I said I'd wait.
- I'll deal with it.
- Hannah Go home.
It's late.
OK.
There are two ways this can go.
You can continue to talk about your ex-wife on this tour, you can say exactly what you want, and one day, if not now, your son is going to pull you up on YouTube doing your set and he's going to hate you for hating his mum.
Or talk about other stuff.
There must be other stuff.
Because you can't stop someone if they want to leave a marriage however hard you try and make them stay.
And in my experience, it's always better if he's fundamentally a good father.
It's always better for the child to see their dad.
Did you ever hear the one about the stand-up and his agent? One minute he's lying in bed, listening to her snoring and the next, he's part of a story she will share with someone else.
And he still has to give her 10%.
ELEVATOR DINGS You get Wednesday nights.
We can talk about weekends after that.
I got you banana.
Lovely boy.
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
HE MOUTHS Do you think they ever forgive you, children? Let's see what we've got.
This is mine and this is mine - Give it to me, give one to me! - No, they're mine! - Hey, Dad.
- Hey, you all right? - Take that for me? - Mm-hm.
Thanks.
Nathan! Thank God you're here.
That very boring man I invited for Christmas.
- Hi.
- Hello.
How are you? - Oh, sorry, happy birthday.
- What's happy about it? It's a funeral where you smell your own flowers.
I should have died at 69, saved us all.
- Be right back.
Hey.
- Nathan! - Give me a hug.
- How are you? - Have some alcohol.
- Nice dress.
- Thank you very much, you can borrow it later.
- I will, I will.
Oh, hello, James.
Hi! Are these two bothering you? - Vinnie is.
- All right? - No, Tilly, I'm not.
- OK? - Donna! - Nathan.
- Finally, alone at last.
- Oh, yeah, promises, promises.
So she brought the man-child? Hannah here yet? Nope.
As ever.
- You are going to be MC, OK? - Oh, great, a promotion.
Last year I was on coat check.
I'll take that, thank you.
The liver can regenerate to its full size with only 25% of itself.
That's why you're going to be a doctor and I'm going to keep drinking.
Why is your mother always late? - How's your boyfriend? - He's good.
Sex yet? You look Your zip.
Can I ? Oh.
- You and Nathan today.
- What? You know what.
The edge.
It's just like in moot court when we were kids.
- What happened to us? - We shared a shitty flat a long time ago.
No.
No, what happened to us? We got married.
We got babies.
- I grew up.
- Yeah.
You did.
- The night before your wedding - No.
No We don't talk about that night.
If this is to work, we don't talk about that.
Right.
Nina seemed in good form.
She suggested we grab a drink sometime.
- Well, she's a cheap date.
- You don't mind? I love my husband.
That's not what I said.
- Davey McKenzie.
- I won't go after him.
His wife's here, boardroom eight.
You better I was trying to add up how many hours I've spent married.
How many hours I've spent listening to him, cooking for him, washing for him, screwing him.
I see my girlfriends checking their husbands pockets for hotel receipts, or the phone for a deleted message.
And I was always so grateful that my Davey wasn't like that.
Should have remembered he is a businessman.
He always said "See, Goldie, little thieves get hanged, great ones escape.
" Well, not any more.
Mrs McKenzie, I believe your husband has appointed another solicitor.
Yeah, I heard.
So represent me.
Give me the divorce you would want if you were to ever find yourself here.
UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS Biologically, man is not designed to watch the mating rituals of his children.
MESSAGE ALER SHE RINGS DOORBELL Oh, she's right, new hair.
- Looks good.
- That's why I like you.
- Apology? - I'm going in here.
- Hey.
- Brace yourself.
What did I do? RAP MUSIC PLAYS Oh, sorry, no, no, no, no, not on my watch.
This music must die, you'll kill the old people.
Give it to me.
No, no more.
I'm not having it.
Mummy! UPBEAT MUSIC RESUMES We said we'd spend more time.
What have we got to do Ito get you back, eh? Mum! What are you doing? Wear that.
Why? Because there must some reason Mum's kept all this shit.
- Sexy.
- You look really good.
Hannah, get in here now.
Get in here now.
OK, OK.
OK, serious, serious.
- Bomber jacket.
- Oh, really? - Yes, yes.
- Maybe, maybe? - Once we cut the cake I'm out of here.
- OK.
THEY LAUGH Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Great.
Marge Simpson meets Sunset Boulevard.
Our mother is a hoarder.
Ooh, these are prehistoric.
What are they doing out? Oh, I thought there might be something I could use for the wedding.
Erm, please may I use your tapes? No.
Rosabelle, back slowly away.
Don't do that, don't make me always have to be grown-up.
These are my tapes.
Mine.
You don't just take something that is not yours and leave the rest of us to pick up the shit.
- Hannah! - OK.
Um We're going to go downstairs to that thing known to some as a party, Hannah.
- Did you tell her? - Tell me what? - Not yet.
- Tell me what? What? OK, Rose.
You're going to cry in a moment.
But it is OK.
What, you've got a terminal illness? - I saw Dad today.
- What? - He just turned up.
- Hannah, Hannah? - What? - Your moment has arrived.
Speech.
Oh, shit.
Cake.
Where do I start with Ruth Alice Defoe? The doyenne of family law, as quoted by the Times.
When I was younger, a lot younger than I am now, I remember you standing in this living room, glass of wine in hand and you were dancing.
Not many of you have seen my mother dance.
But when I was a child, she liked to dance.
Anyway, she was dancing and I must have asked her something like, "What are you doing?" And I'll never forget your reply.
"Hannah, the thing you need to know in life is men will come and go.
So the only relationship really worth having is the one you have with yourself.
" I've always admired that.
You've raised three children, you built up Defoes and you did it all on your own.
But more than that, you always made it feel like it was just the four of us against the world.
That we didn't need anyone else.
And we didn't.
Until life and love and boys came along.
So, to my beautiful, strong, indestructible mother.
Happy birthday! Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
I love you all.
More than you will ever know.
Now, go, dance! We will never talk of this again! I said no speeches.
It was quite touching, as far as speeches go.
You signed Davey McKenzie.
We need him.
Defoes needs him.
He's a shit.
Davey McKenzie is a shit and you're going to make that divorce even shittier.
Divorce shouldn't be easy.
It's there to remind you that however bad it is in that God-awful state called marriage, getting out would be an even greater hell.
Who says it has to be terrible? There is another way.
Tilly, Tilly! You want some pizza? - Tilly.
- I'll take that as a yes.
Tilly, move.
I relied on you, Hannah.
I counted on you.
And you walked out.
Maybe it's because I'm tired of being the one relied upon.
Counted on.
Be careful, Hannah.
Family is fragile.
No-one is immune to it breaking, not even you.
And I'm afraid you'll abandon it before it abandons you.
I blame your father for that.
Well, you can tell him.
I saw him today.
Why now? Why does he come back now? On the upside, he wrote you a card.
It's on the mantelpiece.
Tell your dad I'm ordering a cab.
MESSAGE ALER Bye.
Children.
And I'm healing And I'm happy just for a moment I'm free Then it dawns on me That no time has passed Hey.
And I'm getting nowhere That's a fact To the night Saw what I was really like Start with a kiss, end with a fight Come and go Acting like you didn't know That I have lost my head Woohoo - Woohoo - MESSAGE ALER MESSAGE ALER Woohoo Woohoo