The Split (2018) s01e05 Episode Script

1 Marge Simpson meets Sunset Boulevard.
Now, smile, frog face.
I love you all! More than you will ever know! Ow! You're on my side! Bonsoir, madame! CHRISTIE: Hannah never approved of the illicit rave.
That is totally ridiculous, because I raved.
You never raved.
Is everything all right? Yes, fine.
Simply going through accounts, shifting things about.
HANNAH: It's a long marriage.
It has its stresses and strains.
Maybe sometimes they're happy.
Maybe they're just too terrified to leave.
You put your hand on my arse and you said, "Why doesn't she wanna have sex with me any more?" Why would I have the answer? I don't know who I'm going to screw from one week to the next.
James, it's not enough to just get on top and hope she feels the same.
Is it any wonder you put your hand on the vicar's cock? Everyone is lying.
Tell her.
Before she hears about it from someone else.
I'm on the list.
- No! No! - Hannah Hannah SHE SIGHS SHOWER RUNS DOOR OPENS DOOR CLOSES DOOR OPENS - Vinnie! - Don't you ever knock? Vinnie! Vinnie! Give your sister her shoe back! Eat your breakfast like a normal person.
FOOTSTEPS - Liv - I'm going to be late.
SINGSONG: She's in a bad mood, cos she still loves him! - Shut up.
- Please don't tell me Sasha's back on the scene? Leave it.
CHILDREN ARGUE - VINNIE: Tilly, just give it here! - Hurry up.
What are you doing? Just get them to the gate.
You don't have to hang around.
- Tilly, get off my shoe! - Go, go.
Go.
DOOR OPENS TILLY: Move, Vinnie! SHE SIGHS Should we warn the kids? Say what? "Hey, kids, you know there's that sleazy story rolling? Talent show mogul caught using an extramarital dating website? Well, guess what? Your sad sack of a dad tapped in his credit card details too, cos he got bored one weekend on a business trip to Brussels and couldn't just watch a bit of soft erotica on the hotel TV like the rest of us do.
" Passwords.
To everything.
E-mail.
Phone.
Online banking.
Both accounts.
If you're going to look, let's at least make it easy for you.
Take it.
Go on.
Go through everything.
You won't find anything.
I didn't meet anyone.
"I smoked but I never inhaled.
" I love you.
Have a wonderful day! DOOR OPENS Oh, God SHE GROANS Oh It could be worse.
You could have done it at the actual wedding.
- Talk to me.
- If I wanted to talk, I'd have got myself a real boyfriend.
Nice! Lovin' your work! SHOWER RUNS Er In my defence, erm, there is something about vicars, clergy.
Teachers.
Basically, it's like having a crush on your teacher.
Me.
You.
Like that.
What it was Not that I do, um, have anything for you.
It was a momentary, completely out-of-body, weird thing to do.
Do you want to come in or shall we do this outside? Yeah.
I'm not getting married.
I know it feels bad right now.
He's ignoring all my texts.
I don't All relationships test us.
It's important to remember Please don't quote God at me right now.
It will be all right in the end.
And if it's not? Then it's not the end.
Ha Hungover? Good.
I hate myself.
Not as much as Rose hates you.
I presume she's Not taking my calls.
Wedding's off, then? Jesus, Nina, really? Your timing! Are you so jealous of other people's happiness that you have to crap on it from a great height? You're angry.
You have every reason to be angry.
I would be angry.
I would hate me right now.
Glad that message is coming through.
It's really not Nathan.
I might even have totally misread it.
Nathan's on the list.
He's on Indiana Ray.
No! - He said he didn't meet anyone - Do you believe him? - I don't know.
- You have to know! Look through everything.
Go through everything! - I've gone through his pockets.
- iPhone.
Laptop.
- Have you checked his messages? - I can't.
I Have you spoken to Mum? I'm worried about her.
She's being really weird.
Just handle it.
OK? Whatever it is.
Please.
Thank you.
Your breath stinks, by the way.
Oh - Hey.
- Hey.
LIFT BELL PINGS Don't you come any nearer SHE SIGHS You knew? He says he never met anyone.
Right.
He was bored.
It takes any number of reasons, I guess.
Were you bored? With Lauren? Sometimes.
Yeah.
They don't put that in the vows.
For richer or poorer.
For fatter, for thinner.
Even when boring the tits off each other.
But you never cheated on her? Oh, God Wow Oh, wow Oh! Hannah? I just wanted to know you're OK.
I'm fine.
Um, I'm I'm great.
He he didn't do anything.
Right.
- Get out! - DOOR OPENS We've just had an offer in from Davey McKenzie.
He's put forward 20 million to settle.
- I'm sorry.
I can come back.
- No.
Please, please, please.
It's fine.
- You OK? - 20 million.
Plus the house in Connaught Crescent.
And she gets to keeps all her shares.
Ask Goldie to come in as soon as possible.
Already on her way.
DOOR OPENS DOOR CLOSES - The Davey McKenzie offer - It's just gone in.
- He wants to wrap this up.
- Right.
- OK.
- I'm just concerned that if Mr McKenzie is making this kind of offer If our client is happy and we get him a settlement that he is satisfied with, then that means his recommendation will generate more clients.
For every satisfied client, we generate another Five high-asset, high-profile clients.
I know, I know.
You have been listening all these years.
- We can win this.
- Yes.
Absolutely.
How's Hannah? - I got the list last night.
She must be - Devastated.
Is she even talking to you after last night? I'm sorry.
For speaking the truth? You got that from me, I'm afraid.
- I may very well kill him.
- I may very well help you.
Did Rose really touch the vicar's ? - Yes.
- LAUGHS: Oh, God.
Yesterday I woke up and I thought, "Good.
Just Nina to go now.
I've got Hannah sorted, Rose is on her way.
Just Nina to make happy and then home and dry.
" I am happy.
You are many things, my sweet girl, but happy? I'll I'll let you know when we get a comeback on the McKenzie offer.
I will chase up those late paying this quarter and there's always outstanding billing we've not pulled in yet.
Good.
LAUGHTER Ah I think you should take it.
It's a chance to settle.
It's a good offer.
You get to keep the house, the apartment and the shares.
The only concession: you will have to step down as company secretary.
He's offering a percentage of the current value of the business.
It's generous because he wants to cut all ties.
You'll have no future claim on the company.
It's still a good deal, Goldie.
If you want a quiet life.
No.
SHE SIGHS Goldie I've had 40 years of a quiet life.
I didn't sleep last night.
I was turning it over in my head.
He has a son who is ten years old.
If he can a hide that, what else is he hiding? We decline and you need to be prepared, because if we take this to court, the judge might not rule in your favour.
Are you ready for that? I know him.
He wants me off the board cos he's up to something.
Then we keep going through what we're getting from the forensic accountants.
Perhaps pull in a private investigator, someone who can do a more complete search.
And how are you doing? Gone through his pockets yet? Oh Some of your colleagues were talking in the toilets.
I really can't talk about He didn't do anything.
Hm.
That's what I told myself for years.
I want to win this, Hannah.
Look, I could even retire off the fees.
LAUGHTER Excuse me for interrupting.
But from one colleague to another, any discussions around my personal life and the Indiana Ray list, as futile as it probably is, I would appreciate radio silence around common areas where clients might be present.
It would make my job considerably easier.
Maggie? The Murray divorce? Which PI did we use? I was thinking of going with Martin.
- But Zander mentioned - Max Lacey.
Every time.
Book him for the McKenzie case.
And can you get Defoe's on the phone.
Let's turn down this offer.
Hey Hey! I called and texted you.
Several times.
- No reception.
- At work? I wasn't at work.
I was on the Circle line.
- What, all morning? - Went round twice.
Every time I hit Notting Hill Gate, all your messages would fire into my phone.
But I didn't know how to reply.
Look So? I hate you right now.
OK.
Like, really hate you.
Also, I don't just get on top.
You also get on top.
- Not so much.
- Because you're lazy.
If you want to get on top, get on top.
Where's the other one? Um, at school.
- He's at school now? - Yeah.
Been doing it that long.
My point being, I never stopped you from getting what you want.
I have no answer for why I did what I did.
Lazy.
See? This is what I mean.
You do have the answer.
You're just too lazy to work it out.
The only good thing about this is that I don't have to wake up feeling your dread.
I used to think maybe it was about your dad, the whole "who gets to walk you down the aisle" thing.
But it's not.
You say I'm normal.
Like it's boring.
Well, you don't know me.
Because if you did, you'd see that you come with this truck load of weird, screwed-up, childhood shit.
That makes you interesting.
And infuriating to be with.
And I come with this truck load of happiness and and good memories of being a kid.
And both of those things don't make you any less worth being with or me any more boring to be with.
It makes us different.
I saw that.
I loved that.
And you blew it.
Consider yourself officially released.
You can put your hand on whoever's cock you like now.
SHE SOBS You're loving this, aren't you? You really want to do this now? My abiding memory when Hannah and I first dated, wherever we'd go, you'd pop up too.
Always with some lame reason.
You'd locked yourself out.
You'd left your wallet in her locker.
And Hannah would rush to be there.
That's quite a memory.
Yeah.
Now here you are again, popping up without reason.
Is that why you offered Hannah the job? I didn't offer her the job.
Zander did.
And it was because she's a good lawyer.
- Right.
- Prick.
- When you saw my name on that list - I feel sorry for you.
Sorry you can't see what you have.
That's right.
I have! Nathan.
Christie.
I apologise for my son-in-law.
He's clearly not himself today.
How are you? Very well.
- Thank you.
- Then do me a favour and move along.
I need to talk to Nathan.
Sure.
Good to see you, Ruth.
There are many things I could say of you, Nathan, but an idiot? Never did I think you were guilty of the archetypal midlife crisis.
Well, there you go.
I understand if you hate me.
I don't hate you.
You are my much-loved son-in-law.
Disappointed.
Definitely disappointed.
We don't let many people into our club.
And we let you in.
So, be clever now, huh? Just fix this, please.
Mr McKenzie is proving elusive.
He blinds us with substantial, if incomplete, accounts.
It's pretty obvious stuff.
From what you've given me, he's running a lot through a dummy corporate card.
You want me to dig deeper? I can start by looking at something simple, like his phone usage.
If you've got a password, you can tap into voicemail or look through something as obvious as deleted phone messages.
Huh.
LINE RINGS - Hi, this is the voicemail of Nathan - Show me.
Please leave a message.
My husband's messages.
For example.
Have you got a Pin? PHONE: You have no new messages and three deleted messages.
And three deleted messages.
People always forget to empty their trash.
- PING - Mr Stern.
Andrew Oliver here.
I've set up the meeting on the Dina annulment.
If you could call me.
PING VINNIE: Hey, Dad, just me.
Mum says, can you pick up ketchup? How long do you need? If you want the details on Mr McKenzie's affair? Er, couple of hours.
The perversity of the digital age makes it easier to have an affair but much harder to hide it.
The corporate corruption? That's harder.
A couple of days.
Maybe more.
But if it's there, I will find it.
There's always signs.
The devil is in the detail.
PHONE: Third deleted message.
Received at 6.
32pm.
PING WOMAN: Hi, Nathan.
Just couriered over ZANDER: Earlier What goes on in your private life stays there, as far as I'm concerned.
As long as you can keep doing your job.
- But if you need time - No.
- A few days? - I'm better working.
I was trying to get hold of your mother.
We talked about pinning down lunch, but Is everything OK at Defoe's? There must have been a rumour.
The McKenzie offer? We went back hard.
I'm impressed.
Bold move.
I know we can get more.
I'll hold you to that.
Dinner? The Chicago team's in town.
In your diary.
Er Ha, right, right.
Just come for a drink, at least.
Sure.
I hate my life.
BABY GURGLES Also, I'm still not talking to you.
You destroyed my wedding.
Sorry.
Yeah.
I hate my shitty job.
I hate that I'm not doing anything, I'm not going anywhere.
We've been rattling up expenditure.
Well, the good news We won't have to pay out on a wedding any more.
I have a lot of presents to send back.
A lot of sugared almonds to off-load on to some other person who is getting married.
TOY SQUEAKS I'm lost.
Stop looking to a man to find you.
Oh, I've blown it.
And what the Lord takes the devil rewards.
No.
We're going.
This is sweet payback.
HAMMERING ON DOOR You changed the locks.
You stripped the house.
- Can I come in? - Er, no.
Please.
Yvonne throw you out? Thank you.
Will you have a drink with me? Not much left in the wine cellar, I'm afraid.
Yeah.
You could have left the '87 Margaux.
Where's the fun in that? You missed one.
- It's the lot that we got in - South Africa.
I didn't miss it.
Why did you turn it down? It's a good offer, Goldie.
- 20 million.
- And the house.
And the apartment.
Can we at least talk about it? I've just had a two-hour consultation with a woman who wants a prenup with her cat.
I kid you not, I need this.
In my next life, I'm doing corporate law.
Only assholes do corporate law.
Do you think Nathan would have told you? It's What? If it hadn't got leaked, do you think he would have ever told you? I I gave him the heads-up.
It's It's so noble of you.
- I'm just asking.
- Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
He would have.
OK.
It's not me who signed up to some site.
You did cheat on Lauren.
OK.
I see how this is going.
Was it someone in the office or someone you just met? - This - Once? - Twice? - I didn't keep count, OK? I need to go home to my family.
Hannah! Wh what is wrong with you all? You-You all dismiss affairs with this sleight of hand.
Like, "It's nothing.
What's the big deal?" You're a hypocrite.
What? The night before your wedding, we slept together.
And I asked you to come away with me.
And you said - That is unfair.
- You said yes.
I went home, packed and waited.
And when you didn't come, - I waited some more.
- Christie OK, OK.
OK, Hannah.
Let's let's keep not talking about it.
But when you've finished judging Nathan look at yourself.
LAUGHTER Ladies and gentlemen, your next act.
He's got an arena tour coming up called My Sex Life Is A Bitch.
He's come to try out some new jokes here, so please show your appreciation, clap and cheer, and please welcome Mr Rex Pope! CHEERING Yes! All right.
Thank you! Thank you very much! Are yous having a good night? - CHEERING - Yeah? - I'm not.
- LAUGHTER Yeah, it's true.
My wife and I are getting a divorce.
See? It was a mutual decision she made for us.
LAUGHTER I decided to get divorced the same way Louis Tomlinson decided to go solo.
- LAUGHTER - "Where've they gone?" Because you can't say anything when the other person wants to leave.
It's not a matter of opinion, you know? "I don't love you any more.
" "Well I think you do.
" LAUGHTER "I've met someone else.
" "That's your take on it.
" "I'm leaving.
" "I've locked the doors.
You can't.
" So, I'm moving on, I'm moving on.
Because I have to.
But I'm trying to move on with dignity and maturity.
And I'm sleeping with my divorce lawyer.
CHEERING Have you seen how much they charge?! - She was already screwing me.
- LAUGHTER Now at least it's mutual.
LAUGHTER She charges for everything at ã10 a minute, even sex! Best fiver I ever spent.
- LAUGHTER - It's OK.
30 seconds for the maths students amongst you.
And she steals stuff too.
This woman earns more in a day than your average nurse earns in a month, ladies and gentlemen, and she nicks stuff.
I've seen it, all these clothes.
And I looked it up, and apparently compulsive stealing is often a sign that there's some other area of your life that needs addressing.
So I said, "Look, next time you have that urge to shoplift, just start by nicking some self-help books.
" LAUGHTER "Let's make this a process of healing.
" So APPLAUSE I do want to help her, cos she's smart, she's funny Er, she's gorgeous and I think I might be properly falling for her.
AUDIENCE: Aww! So, I said to her, "You're messed up.
" LAUGHTER "And you need to take stock.
" LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE She said, "That's exactly what I've been doing!" - LAUGHTER - "Where have you been?" - He's a dick.
- Thank you.
Yep.
But he's a funny dick.
- rubbish year.
Am I right? - AUDIENCE: Yeah! Give me a cheer if you're depressed.
- CHEERING - Stop it! TV ON IN BACKGROUND LIQUID POURS How was work today? You mean, was it the walk of shame? Yeah.
It was.
- You? - Oh, yeah.
Good.
What did they look like? The women on the website? Oh, like women.
Like women you see.
Normal.
Weird.
A couple of weird women.
I didn't really look.
Liar.
There was one woman.
Married.
No kids.
Liked hang-gliding.
Which, as you know, is a hobby I've always wanted to try.
I looked at her.
I looked at her.
And I thought "She's not Hannah.
" I want to believe you.
I want you to, too.
VINNIE: Dad Yeah.
Yes.
Yes, yes, yes.
What is it? What are you watching? Is there room on this sofa for a very slender man? - What are you watching? - Don't ask me, I don't know.
Tilly picked it.
It's rubbish.
- Is it a funny programme? - It's not even that funny.
- TILLY: It is funny.
- I don't understand it at all.
It's good.
CONVERSATION CONTINUES FAINTLY FOOTSTEPS APPROACH You you were eating mussels.
You hate mussels.
- When in Rome - Uh-huh.
Who took the picture? Vinnie get off! Vinnie, stop it! - Vinnie! - Bed! Vinnie! - Now.
- Vinnie, stop it! - Vinnie! - Bed! Right now.
Do as your mum said! TV OFF Come on! Quick, quick, quick! Brush your teeth.
We had dinner.
Oh Oh ! One dinner.
Nothing else.
I left before dessert.
- I was lonely.
- SHOUTS: Lonely? Oh Keep your voice down.
Lonely is pushing yourself as far as you can to the other side of the bed, night after night, week after week, month after month, because neither of you can face the rigmarole of pretending you want to do it.
But the one thing I told myself: whatever happens, whatever life throws at me, you will never do what my father did! You - How can I trust you? - I just met her.
We had dinner - Can we sleep in your room tonight? - Yeah.
You said you didn't meet anyone! - How do you know what I - You told me SOBBING Mum? Dad says do you want a lift? - No, love, I'll make my own way.
- OK.
Dad! Mum doesn't want one! FOOTSTEPS RECEDE DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES RINGING TONE Max Lacey speaking.
Hello, Max, it's Hannah Stern from Noble & Hale.
Oh, hello, Mrs Stern.
Sorry to call so early That's no problem.
I have a lead on the McKenzie case but noting concrete yet.
I need you to look into something else.
Bill it to me personally.
No problem.
SINGSONG: Get up.
You wouldn't want Yvonne to be worrying where you are.
You re-mortgaged this building two years ago.
The Waldons Garden flat the year after that.
You haven't made any repayments on either in Four months.
- You've been giving Dad money for years.
- Nina Way over just dividends and shares.
Birthdays, graduations, Hannah's wedding - I need a little more time.
- We need to sell.
Defoe's has been in this family since 1855.
We are broke.
That means something.
That means something.
You have given him so much over the years.
This is for me to deal with.
- I don't get why you would keep - Bailing him out? SCOFFS: Oh, God! SHE SIGHS When you have children with a person three beautiful children You still love him.
Now, there's an irony.
A divorce lawyer incapable of a real divorce.
- We just need some more clients.
- Hannah's turned the offer down.
Going to court again.
We are in trouble, Ma.
- I can take it.
- No, no We can take it.
We're all grown up.
Yes, we're in trouble.
It's your fault.
You're encouraging her.
- Mr McKenzie - She keeps blaming me but it takes two.
I can't talk to you about this without your lawyer present.
It takes two people to destroy a marriage.
You need to calm down.
She's making a mistake.
She should settle.
It's the best she's going to do.
You slept with her best friend for ten years more.
You had a child with her best friend.
You syphoned money into that child's account.
You tried to take away her role as company secretary.
You owe her.
She trusted you, and you let her down.
Yeah, and that hurts.
That hurts, Mr McKenzie.
You want to make any more offers? You come with your lawyer.
Until then, get out.
And get your paperwork in check! Lawyers! You poke around in our lives.
You take a look at your own.
Morning.
COUGHING RUSTLING KNOCK AT DOOR You're pathetic! Won't you come in? You have milked Defoe's for years! Not always.
No, I had a number of business ventures.
I got some work.
Offered legal advice.
You failed the bar twice.
Mum bailed you out both times.
People leave people, Nina.
Marriages don't work out.
There is a better way to do it than we did.
SCOFFS: Oh! Am I to be punished for ever because I couldn't stay in a marriage where your mother was as unhappy as I was?! You left her to do it all, and she did.
She stepped up big time, Dad.
Kept it all going.
And for that I will be forever grateful.
But I won't feel guilty any more.
I screwed up.
- Am I really never to be forgiven? - No.
HE SIGHS You will understand when What? When I grow up? When you become a parent.
Oh, really inspiring! That will never happen.
And that would be a shame.
No, it will never happen because I never want to be as much of a disappointment to my children as you've been to us.
I hate you.
Go home.
You sold your family years ago! Just leave us alone! DOOR OPENS AND SLAMS Hey.
Um, you've got the receipt for my suit.
Yoghurt maker.
Right.
Was that on our list? No.
Someone went rogue.
I'll just go and get it.
Is Is that it? This how this works? We just exchange and then I don't know.
I've not done it before.
I, um, went out with Nina last night.
This comedy gig.
Don't know what I was doing there.
Don't know why I do a lot of things.
I know what I don't want.
I don't want to look after anyone else's kids.
I don't want to live at my mother's house any more.
Don't want to not be with you.
Till our dying day, I don't want to not be with you I, er, I screwed things up.
Well observed.
But if we just If we get all this stuff out of the way before we get married, think what kind of life we could have.
Weird girl.
BOTH LAUGH PHONE RINGS ROSE: Hannah, tonight we are celebrating.
SHOUTS: I'm getting married! Call me back! OK, so your four o'clock tomorrow.
Paperwork.
Mr Acken wants an hour.
I put him in after your breakfast.
And Max Lacey left you something.
It's a bit too early for the McKenzie case, but - You OK? - Mm-hm.
Do you need me to stay? And keep your date waiting? - It's not a date.
- Hm.
NATHAN: Dinner! I've got her name.
Ah, I've got her address.
- But I want to hear it from you.
- Hannah Did you sleep with her? Yes.
How many times? Four times.
Oh.
You lied.
You're a liar.
And what are you? What have you been doing all these years? - Dad? - I may be a liar, Hannah, but I'm not as big a liar as you.
Eat your dinner.
Eat! It's OK.
It's all OK.
VOICE BREAKS: It's all OK.
SHE GASPS Hannah.
Hannah! Hannah! MUFFLED: Not tonight.
No talking tonight.
MUFFLED LAUGHTER Here's to the things you love Here's to those you find in love Hell to the rest of us Here's to the things you love Here's to the things you love The night before my wedding, you danced with Rose to Wonderwall and after we put her to bed, we talked until we couldn't talk any more, and after after you'd gone I lay there, just willing myself to do it.
Just willing myself to walk out of there.
I was going to come.
I was.
I was going to tell Nathan.
Your hair why is your hair all ? But my mother's alarm clock went off.
I was getting married in three hours.
I could hear them all getting ready.
They were all so excited.
And I couldn't do it.
I couldn't leave.
I didn't leave.
Are you coming in or not? If you want this, Hannah if you want us then you have to say.
Say it.
Say it.
- I'm not a hypocrite.
- SHE SIGHS No.
You're just a coward.
I'm done.
Whatever this is? I'm done.