The Tick (1994) s01e07 Episode Script

The Tick vs. the Tick

[Presenter] Once again we're here with superheroes the Tick and Arthur.
Good morning, America! Hi! Now, Tick.
Many questions about you remain unanswered.
I am a man of mystery.
Yes, yes.
But can you tell me: What do you do? Eh? I mean, what are your superhuman powers? Can you see through steel? Uh You know, with X-rays.
Can you bend iron bars with your mind? Well, I No.
Can you create energy-based multiples of yourself? Whoa! Nope.
- Can you make diamonds out of coal? - No.
- Shoot heat beams out of your eyes? - No.
- Breathe atomic fire.
- No! Hm.
Ahem! Well, then Can you destroy the Earth? Egad, I hope not! That's where I keep all my stuff.
[Sighs] Yes, of course it is.
Uh, tell me.
Do you have a girlfriend? I am mighty! I have a glow you cannot see.
I have a heart as big as the moon, as warm as bath water.
We are superheroes, man.
We don't have time to be charming! The boots of evil were made for walkin'! We're watching the big picture, friend.
We know the score.
We are a public service, not glamour boys.
Yeah! Not captains of industry, not makers of things.
Keep your vulgar monies! We are a justice sandwich.
No toppings necessary.
Living rooms of America, do you catch my drift? Do you dig? Ahem! I can fly.
[Buzzer] [Man scats] [Die Fledermaus] OK.
OK on my side.
Go! - [Car horn] - No! No, wait.
Right after this truck.
[Tick] No, he's good! Floor it.
No! Wait, wait OK, all right.
After these four cars.
Now is the time.
Seize the day! Wait.
Get ready.
Not now, not now.
Not - Now! - Go, go, go! - Wait! - Go! - Wait! - Go! [All scream] What are you trying to do? Get us creamed? Listen, Die Fledermaus.
It wasn't my idea to go to a superhero nightclub in the middle of nowhere.
And it certainly wasn't my idea to borrow my sister's car to get there! Oh, but it'll be worth it, Arthur.
Think of it! A whole club just for superheroes.
Packed wall to wall with crime fighters on their night off.
Oh, the camaraderie! Oh, pee-ew! Can someone open a window around here? Sewer Urchin really stinks.
You're stinking on purpose, aren't you? - Ow! Hey, quit it.
- No, you quit it.
[Bickering] [Arthur] Hey, cut that out! If you guys can't settle down I'm gonna pull this car over and we can just wait.
And so he says to me, "You wanna be a bad guy?" And I say, "Yeah, baby, I wanna be bad!" I says, "Surf's up, space ponies.
I'm making gravy without the lumps!" [Cackles] [Die Fledermaus] Hey! "Superheroes welcome.
" There's something you don't see every day.
- You must be the doorman.
- Yes, but men call me Jim.
S, please.
Oh! OK.
Wait a sec.
I may have left it in my other tights.
I get it.
Spelling America with a K, are we? Uh-oh.
We're definitely being carded.
That's not the best picture of me.
It was a bad ear day.
I'll say! - The Tick? - And tingling for fun! This should be interesting.
[Beeping] Ah! My super-doorman sense is ringing.
[Whistle blows] Not so fast, sidekick! - What? - No sidekicks in the club.
You go round back to the sidekick's lounge.
What?! [Chatter, music] See you later, boys.
I think I'm in love! Aww! - Where's Arthur? - Don't know.
He must be mingling.
[Chirruping, dog barks] [Faint music] Oh, come on! [Rock track plays] Hey, it's my favorite blue man! Hey, Bigshot! My favorite emotionally unbalanced gun-toting vigilante.
Come on over! Meet my new friends from Deertown.
This is Mighty Agrippa, Roman god of the aqueduct.
Oh, well! Uh, sometimes.
And this is Jet Valkyrie.
- A woman! - [Tick] Cool! And this is Fish Boy, lost prince of Atlantis.
Gang, I want you to meet the Tick! [Music stops] - Oh, man! - Oh! Barry's not gonna like this.
No, Barry's not gonna like this one bit.
Well, maybe he won't show up tonight.
He says to me, he says, "You got style, baby!" "But if you're gonna be a real villain, get a gimmick.
" And so I go, I says, "Yeah, baby! A gimmick, that's it.
" "High explosives!" [cackles] Yeah? Keep playin' with fire, super-pants.
You don't know how much fire you're playin' with! [cackles] [Country music] Are you sure you've thought this sidekick thing through? It's no picnic.
Man, I heard that! Hey, sweetheart.
What you got in that poodle gun? Anything for me? [Yelping] Hey, stop that! Ow! So call me.
OK? Hey, sweetheart.
What you got in that Oh, man! American Maid.
You've got "arrested development" written all over you, Die Fledermaus.
Ha-ha! Yeah, sour grapes, sweetheart.
You had your chance.
She'll be back.
So who is this Barry guy? Another superhero? No, I wouldn't say that.
He'd like people to think he is, but for all the wrong reasons.
You see, he's rich.
And his brother-in-law owns the Comet Club.
So he comes in whenever he wants and makes trouble.
Yeah, but it's after ten so he probably won't show up tonight.
[Crashing] Ahem! That's Barry.
Where's the jerk who calls himself the Tick? I am that jerk.
Who wants to know? You stole my superhero name, parasite.
I am the Tick! - What? - You ridiculous clown.
Did you think you could get away with stealing my superhero name? I am the Tick! What?! - Uh-oh.
- Oh, my.
[Barry] I am the one and only Tick.
Prepare to succumb to an irresistible force! Yeah, well don't count your weasels before they pop, dink! Sorry about that, Barry.
Listen, I think we should talk this over.
This is exactly what my therapist has been talking about.
Doesn't Barry get it? Violence never solves anything.
Besides, the Tick's gonna clean his clock! But look! Barry's got some kind of kinetic generator in his shield.
When he turns it on it gives him superhuman crushing power.
He can squoosh rocks! Oh, you're strong.
But you're no match for the Tick! Barry, you're going to have to start making some sense.
Whoa! Yep.
I been a sidekick for, oh goin' on 46 years.
- That's dog years.
- Been all across this crazy country.
Kickin' for a hero with a brain the size of a walnut.
And what do I got to show for it? High blood pressure, artificial hip and a case of the worms.
- But man, I love it! - Not me, pal.
I just wanna get back to the jungle.
Oh, Borneo, sweet Borneo! If you wanted a snack, you just reached up into a tree and plucked it.
Not like here.
Oh, no sir, no! Some hairless jerk had to go and invent money.
Some hairless jerk like you! What are you, nuts? You frighten me terribly.
I'd like to go now.
So he says, "You gotta do something smart.
Something big.
" "You wanna be a super-villain, right?" And I go, "Yeah.
What do I gotta do?" And he says, "You got bombs.
Blow up the Comet Club.
" "It's packed with superheroes.
You'll go down in history.
" I go, "Yeah, baby.
'Cause I'm the evil Midnight Bomber what bombs at midnight!" [Cackles] Guys, guys.
Don't do this to yourselves.
Let's put violence in the happy box! OK, good.
I have your attention.
Now, as everyone knows, I used to be a very violent person.
I tried to resolve all of my problems with g-g-guns.
B-b-but I've been going to therapy and it's turned my life around.
I'm more centered now.
I'm a whole person.
Barry, you seem to be working through some serious identity issues here.
Now, Barry, I can see that you feel threatened by the Tick.
You're also angry and you want to find an outlet for that anger.
Plus you got some drool on your chin.
Grrrr! No.
No, Barry, no! I said put it in the happy box! Now.
Let's try this again.
I hate this! I didn't want to come here in the first place.
"Borrow your sister's car.
We'll have a great time.
" Maybe the Tick's having a great time! Hmm! [Door opens] And so he says to me, "You got legs, baby.
You're everywhere.
" "You're all over the place!" Yeah! Hello? Uh Hi.
What are you doing? I just, uh I just wanted to use the, uh And so he says, "Evil's OK in my book.
What about yours?" And I go, "Yeah, baby, yeah.
Yeah!" I just wanted to, uh wash my hands.
Um OK.
But why does your bag say "bombs" on it? Oh.
Heh-heh! That's just Boom, baby, boom! I'm the evil Midnight Bomber what bombs at midnight! Oh, great! Eat my smoke, copper! [Cackles] [Chatter] An object at rest cannot be stopped! [Chattering continues] So, good! I think we've got the makings of a compromise here, guys.
Barry, you give up calling yourself the Tick and come with me to my group therapy sessions.
[Growls] And Tick, I guess you can be called the Tick! 'Scuse me.
'Scuse me.
Then I says, "Tell me I'm wrong.
" And he says, "I can't, 'cause you're not!" [Coughs and groans] [Beeping] My doorman sense is picking something up.
Sewer Urchin! Somebody's trying to blow up the club.
Oh, very bad! Definitely unacceptable.
Better tell the Tick.
Wait, he's busy fighting the Tick.
- The Tick? - [Whistle] Aha! Thought you could get by Doorman, didn't you, sidekick? Listen, I Hey! Barry, come on.
I can't fight you.
Superheroes only fight super-villains.
Of course, if you wanted to become a super-villain, I think we could have that arranged.
This could happen to you, baby.
This could happen to anybody! I'll take the porcelain dog.
And all the rest's on the gift certificate, Chuck.
You still want more, uh? Oh.
Hi, Barry.
I'm gonna teach you a lesson! Ooh! [Evil laugh] You're pinned under my shield.
Submit! Renounce your name.
Or I will crush you flat! Never! [Titters] I wanted you to say that.
Good, good! Or should I say goodbye! [Laughs] [Beeping] [Chatter] He says, "I don't like the cut of your jib.
" And I go, I says, "It's the only jib I got, baby!" You know, I love a woman who dresses in stainless steel.
Get lost, creep.
Looks bad for the Tick.
Nothing can withstand Barry's shield on overdrive.
Heh-heh! I hope this makes things perfectly clear.
I am the only Tick around here! Oh, head spinning, ears ringing.
No, more of a throbbing really.
But regardless Ouch! Say uncle! OK.
No, no! You know, I mean Renounce your name and call me the Tick.
You are Barry, Barry, Barry, Barry, Barry, Barry, Barry, Barry, Barry, Barry.
Listen, somebody's planting bombs all over the place.
Oh, yeah? And who would that be, sidekick? He says he's the evil Midnight Bomber what bombs at midnight! - Yeah, baby! - Oh, sure.
That sounds real! Oh, come on.
It's not that bad.
Urchin, help! Oh, OK.
Barry, Barry, Barry, Barry, Barry.
[Groans] Got to get it together.
Can't lose my name.
It's on all my stationery! [Strains] [Cackles] You have all become victims of the evil Midnight Bomber what bombs Hey, pay attention! Yeah, don't hurt him! He's definitely my ride home.
Club policy! Sidekicks stay in the sidekick lounge.
Ugh! What a terrible stink.
Central nervous system shutting down.
Drive safely.
- Ha-ha! - My shield! I think you'd better find a new name, mister.
Tick! Evil is afoot.
The Comet Club is riddled with bombs.
And they're set to blow at midnight! What do they look like, chum? Well, they look like that.
Good heavens! They're all over the place.
Yeah, baby.
And you've only got Well, there's gonna be a heck of a line at the cape check.
Let's go get those bombs, Arthur.
Air freshener! Ha-hah! Oop! Heh-heh! [Beeping] That's it.
I quit.
[Cheering, applause] You know, he is a close personal friend of mine.
You make me sick to my stomach.
Oh, it's always about you, isn't it? No applause necessary.
Just doing my job.
Hey, you! You're in a lot of trouble! Yeah, baby.
Oh, yeah.
Baby This is wearing a little thin, Barry.
I'm not Barry.
I'm the Tick! OK.
I'll be Barry and you be the Tick.
Well! All this and a villain, too! You'll never prove a thing, copper.
I'm just a part-time electrician.
I Bad is good, baby! Down with government! [Bickering] What a great place! Oh, yeah.
That was great.
Guys, I'm not gonna warn you again! Ahh, what's in a name anyway? If I were called Bob or Jack or Vinnie or a piece of fruit would I be any less a hero? And if Barry were called Rupert, Max or Rainbow, would he be any less a jerk? I don't think so.
Because a name is a rose and it only smells as sweet as you are.
- Are we home yet? Ow! - Ow yourself.
- Hey, quit copying me.
- Hey, quit copying me.
- Stop it.
I was sitting here first! - I was here sitting first.
- You're hogging it.
- I'm hogging it.
He's hogging everything, Tick.
Make him stop!