The Tick (1994) s01e08 Episode Script

The Tick vs. the Uncommon Cold

[Buzzer] [Man scats] Ahhh [sneezes] [Sniffles loudly] Ew! Mucus.
[Sighs] The scourge of Mankind.
This cold really has you on the ropes, doesn't it, Tick? No mere common cold, Arthur.
No [hawks, coughs] This must be some super interstellar mutant virus from space.
Empires have fallen at the foot of this pox! [Starts to sneeze] Yeah, well, don't give it to me.
[Tick sneezes] Arthur resistance wearing down.
Must have more soup.
Sure.
What the? Hey, the mail came.
- [Squelching] - Yuck! [Chuckles] Oops, it's for somebody in Apartment 14 B.
That's next door.
It says "Attention, Thrakkorzog.
" "You may have just won ten million dollars.
" - Soup - I better get it to its rightful owner.
Arthur, is that you? Eyes failing Chicken soup only chance for survival.
Oh, Tick, relax.
Everybody gets a cold once in a while.
Please, the soup.
I'm going to take this letter to the right apartment.
- I'll be back soon.
- [Slurping] [Yelps] What?! Who are you? Thrakkorzog, from Dimension uh, Apartment 14 B.
Hi.
I'm your new neighbor.
Welcome to my humble abode.
Pretty cozy, don't you think? - How? - How did I get here? Oh, easily.
I tore a hole into the fabric of your dimension with my Interplanar Portal Pal, patent pending.
- Pretty sweet, eh? - What are you doing? We're gonna eat your brain! Now, now, now, there will be plenty of time for brain-eating after we conquer Earth.
[Wails] And to conquer said Earth, I will need an invincible army.
A million superhuman soldiers marching to the tune of my big drum.
Which is why I shall clone the mighty, blue Tick! - Clone the Tick? - Oh, yes.
Your superhero friend has all the attributes I require.
Incredible strength, nigh invulnerability, and a teeny-tiny little brain.
Eat brain! Lmagine a legion of Ticks at my command.
Oh, no! Oh, yes! And when my army is complete, I will rule the world! And eat lots of brains! Fresh, tasty brains! [Both laugh] [Door handle clicks] Oh.
Ahem.
Uh, are we bothering you? No.
I just wanted some munchies.
- My roommate.
- [Munching] He's kind of weird, but he's quiet and always comes through with his half of the rent.
But now, where were we? Ah, yes, cloning.
Wait a second.
What do you want with me if it's the Tick you're after? Don't you know anything? You're the sidekick.
I clone you, then send the evil clone to procure a tissue sample of the Tick, so I can clone a million of him.
And speaking of tissue samples, I need to get one from you.
[Whimpers] You don't want to do that.
Oh, yes.
Yes, I do.
Now hold still.
Now, that wasn't so bad, was it? Cloning is a precise science.
That's why I use the Clonerizer.
It costs more, but you get what you pay for.
My own recipe includes a generous portion of Dr.
Flack's secret cloning sauce.
A pinch of oregano, 'cause, you know, a little goes a long way.
And last, but not least, your toenail.
Mix well, and voilĂ .
Arthur the Sidekick, prepare to meet Arthur the Evil Clone.
I Arthur.
I Arthur.
I Arthur, I Arthur, I Arthur.
I Arthur, I Arth-ur.
I-I-I Arthur-Arthur.
I Arthur, I Arthur.
[Chuckles] He's an eager little bunny, isn't he? They're a bit excitable at first.
[Gasps] No! No! - I Arthur? - Evil Clone, we do not touch the "Don't" button.
That would send Uncle Thrakkorzog back to his own dimension.
And let me say that hike back is no picnic.
I'd rather be strained through a chain-link fence.
[Shudders] Clone, go next door and fetch me a tissue sample from the Tick.
Got it? A tissue sample.
I Arthur.
You'll never get away with this, you over-confident blob.
The Tick will be on to that flimsy fabrication in a second.
He hasn't got a chance against the always-wary eye of the ever-alert Tick.
[Snores] [Door opens] [Snores] [Tick mutters] Oh, hello [Tick] Oh, no [Tick jabbers] Arthur, I just had the strangest dream.
I was taking some math test I hadn't studied for, and then you tried to saw off my head.
Weird, huh? I Arthur.
[Chuckles] Of course you are.
And I Tick.
[Chuckles] Whoa, oh [crashing] Oh, sorry, Arthur.
Blast this uncommon cold, anyway.
Well, only one thing to do now.
Wear this supercold down with many hours of daytime television.
Ooh, hey, look, it's Honesty Cola's Worl Of Wrestling.
Cool.
[Man on TV] Hear me, wrestling fans.
I, the Human Baboon, crave vengeance! Beautiful Steven will know the agony of my feet! Uh, I mean "efeat".
Well, it's been a while.
All must be going well.
Apparently, the Tick wasn't so quick to discover my clone.
Devour brain! Oooh.
Big brain! Don't be so sure.
Tick will catch on.
Just you wait.
Actually, I can't wait.
I have to go, if you catch my drift.
Nature is one call you can't put on hold.
- Be right back.
- Be right back! Will eat brain.
Yum! No offence, but you scare me.
What's goin' on, little bunny guy? [Strains] I am a moth! Are you aware that your roommate is a hideous monster from another dimension with evil plans for world domination? Listen, a good roommate-relationship is based on a respect for privacy.
Look, can you at least loosen these straps? Because they're chafing me.
[TV] The Human Baboon has pulle something out of his baboon pants.
It looks like an unsanctione foreign object.
Yes, it's a scale moel of the Eiffel Tower in Paris.
An he's coming out swinging! Ooh! Au revoir, Beautiful Steven.
Parlez-vous "Ouch"? Now, a commercial.
- [Clink] - Oh, Arthur, there you are.
So nice to have company to watch TV with.
[Sniffs] Brace yourself while corporate America tries to sell us its wretched things.
[Man on TV] I like jackhammering.
I' better, I o it all ay long.
It's a man's job an I work up a man-size sweat on my brow.
[Woman] You sure o.
[Man] But I'm not afrai to pamper myself with a plush tissue when my brow nees a goo wiping.
[Woman] Plush? Here, big fella, sample my tissue.
I'll show you a tissue sample.
[Thrakkorzog] Fetch me a tissue sample from the Tick.
- [Suit squeaks] - [Toilet flushes] Hm.
[chuckles] Knew I'd regret that burrito.
Hey, what's happening here? Uh, the little bunny guy was chafing himself on the ropes, - so I loosened him up a bit.
- You what? He's a moth guy and how many times do I have to say it? Don't touch my stuff! This is my side of the living room and that is your side of the living room.
And must you drink straight out of the milk carton? It's disgusting! Rally, Beautiful Steven, rally! [Man on TV] Oh, that can't be goo for his lower back! Human Baboon, you stinker! Stop your evil ways.
[Thwacking] Oh, no, you don't.
[Arthur] Tick, help! Egad! My cold has escalated into double vision.
I'm the real Arthur.
He's a clone.
I Arthur.
What matter of rare quandary is this? How can I be sure which Arthur is the real Arthur.
[Starts to sneeze] Look! Tick, look! He's turning into a monster! Monster? Where? Can't see anything wrong with him.
Um, Arthur? [Sighs] If you two don't stop this roughhousing, somebody's gonna get hurt and end up crying.
I know how I can prove I'm the real Arthur.
I'll tell you something only you and I would know.
Go ahead, Arthur-like person.
Oh, uh OK.
Remember that time my sister gave me that V-neck sweater vest for my birthday and we tried to return it to the store and they'd only give me credit, and I was so upset, and then at lunch they put onions on my cheeseburger, after I expressly asked the waitress not to? Do you remember that day, Tick? Oh.
Indeed I do.
- Now your turn.
- I Arthur.
I can't argue with that.
[Screams] Is that you, Arthur? - Yes! - No need for raised voices.
Look, Tick, there's this obscene monster who lives next door and wants to clone you and take over the world.
Are you sure you're the real Arthur? Oh, come on! Tick, please let me go.
- It's locked, Tick.
- Stand back, Arthur.
I'll take care of the door.
Merciful heavens! Too late! Too late! Too late! Too late! Euch! [Whimpers] What horror is this? [Thrakkorzog] So, mighty Tick, at last we meet.
It's nice to finally get to know the neighbors.
I am Thrakkorzog, evil ruler of Dimension 14 B.
Allow me to introduce your successor.
I was a bit worried at first.
I mean, he is a little mucus-intensive, but you work with what you've got.
Enough prattle, villain.
I don't mind a little science, but no one mucks around with the Tick's membranes.
Prepare for swift justice! Oh-ho! So, foul gelatin, you would do battle with the nose of your birth? Hey, you guys aren't gonna fight in here, are you? And why not? I pay half the rent.
We lose our cleaning deposit if any half gets messed up.
Oh, the cleaning deposit.
What was I thinking? Of course, you're right.
- Now what? - How about the roof? Good call, Arthur.
There's a place good always fights evil.
Well, works for me.
Frankly, that's why I was so glad to find this great apartment.
You'd be surprised how hard it is to get a place in the city.
Never mind that most folks are hesitant to rent to a slime-based organism, much less one with intentions of taking over the world.
And human brains too! Don't forget the brains! It is good, this roof.
I am pleased.
- [Squelching] - Come on.
Let's get this over with, nose jelly.
Tick, wait.
- Hey, no whispering.
- Tick, keep them busy.
I think I know how to get Thrakkorzog back to his own dimension.
When I give you the "high" sign, try to throw the Mucus Tick into Thrakkorzog.
A "high" sign? Are you a great sidekick or what? Let's get to it.
Break! Coward.
- [Squelching] - Euch! This is disgusting.
You're no threat to humanity.
Well, except for maybe the gross-out factor.
Go ahead, slimy.
Take your best shot.
Hot dog! A worthy adversary.
Don't press the "Don't" button.
I'll press your "Don't" button, buddy.
[Strains] Heavier than it looks.
Eat bricks! Ooh, he's good.
Can I clone or can I clone? Surrender, Tick, you're hopelessly outclassed.
I don't know the meaning of the word surrender.
I mean, I know it, I'm not dumb.
Just not in this context.
And if it's class you want Now talk to me about class.
Lucky break.
[Pants and strains] Here goes nothing.
Oh.
Need an extension cord.
Huh? What? Oh, that old joke.
So, what tired routine do you do for an encore? Oh, dear.
- [Crashing] - Oh, my.
Now that's going to leave a mark.
[Pants] All aboard for the transdimensional express.
Huh? [sighs] Why me? This can't be good for my cold.
But this is no time for selfish thoughts.
It's time for a little turnabout.
Ew! Can you get any more disgusting? Don't make me come in there.
Wait a second.
[sniffs] Smells like ambush! Mucal invader, is there no end to your oozing? [Pants] Adaptor! [Pants] Adaptor! Adaptor! Thanks.
I've had enough chasing.
It's your turn now, Thorozpog.
Thrakkorzog! Thrakkorzog! With a K.
Boy, are you ever rude.
Eat your brain! No brains today.
We're only serving humble pie, Whatchimozog.
- Listen, for the last time it's - Thoraxinabog? - Thrakkorzog! - Ah, Laxativelog.
- No, no.
- Laplandozog? - Fouryaksandadog? - Thrak - Sapsackafrog? - No, no, no! Susan? [Tuts] Now you're doing it on purpose.
How juvenile.
Oh! Yuck! Let's see how you like it, name-call boy.
Or should I say Turk? Tack? Tock? [Pants heavily] Come on, Tick.
Now's no time for friendly greetings, lad.
Tick, "high" sign.
Tick! "High" sign.
Oh, "high" sign.
Right, right.
OK, nostril spawn, I didn't wanna have to do this I mean I really didn't wanna have to do this, but you asked for it.
[Loud sucking noises] It's not possible.
Can't hold it.
[Starts to sneeze] Now, Tick.
Aaaaa tchoo.
[Sighs contentedly] Nothing like a bit of drama to clear the sinuses.
Once again, we blasted the nasal passages of the city clean of the cloning mucus of evil.
Now we can all breathe free and easy and smell the lilacs in bloom.
Hello, aroma! Ahh - Atchoo! - Uh, I'll get the soup.