The Tick (1994) s02e07 Episode Script

[alarm buzzing.]
[sign buzzing.]
[ticking.]
[water running.]
Hello, gorgeous.
Give us a smile.
[clicking tongue.]
Aces! [phone ringing.]
Hola.
[Arthur.]
Die Fledermaus? Hi, it's Arthur.
Can you get down to the furniture store right away? Roger, Arthur.
Hey, wait a second.
Is this some kind of superhero emergency? No.
We need you to help us pick out some furniture.
Oh, furniture.
I'll be right there.
[Die Fledermaus.]
It's about time you got rid of that pile of junk in your place.
A good decorating strategy is the hallmark of a distinguished gentleman.
Yes, well, Arthur and I need big furniture.
Superhero furniture! You know, hewn from the great trees of our ancient forests.
Forged from iron ore freshly mined from the earth's fertile depths.
- Yes, but on a budget.
- Well, yeah, OK.
Huge but cheap.
Quite the decorating challenge.
Step aside, boys.
I'm on the case.
Aah French colonial.
They had craftsmen then.
Oh, and speaking of well put together [speaking Spanish.]
I see you're admiring the Louis XVI.
Actually, this is a Queen Anne.
It's a common mistake.
Aah, now this is truly a beautiful piece.
Perfect for infighting.
Infighting? OK.
Let the rabble have their cheap dinette sets and vinyl couches.
Give me furniture that lives and breathes, that pulsates with the toil.
Oh, keep making that mouth music, beautiful.
I'm reading you like a cheap paperback.
Yes.
Yes, I believe you do understand.
Here's a beautiful thought, gorgeous.
Prepare for the return of the Ottoman Empire.
Hey.
Hey, I didn't catch your name! [sighing.]
Intoxicating.
Now this is a place to park your pudding.
Huh? Hey, cool! If I hurry, I might just be able to catch up with the most alluring creature I've ever laid eyes on.
- Wow! - Tick, there you are.
- Where have you been? - I didn't realize furniture technology had made such great strides.
Huh? What are you talking about? What furniture? - It left.
- What do you mean, it left? - It didn't just walk away.
- Yes, Arthur, it did.
[Arthur.]
The furniture is moving by itself.
- That's not supposed to happen.
- It's not? - Furniture riot! [grunts.]
- [growling.]
Rogue love seat, you face The Tick! - Not so fast, my little wooden friend.
- [yells.]
Cheap, mass-produced, do-it-yourself, pre-fab Hey, nice piece.
Oh, mahogany inlay.
Greek veneer.
[Ottoman.]
OK, let's go, let's go! Lift those legs! From now on, you're all mine! You! Stay with me.
- [barking.]
- Cut it out.
Cut it out! [screaming.]
[grunting.]
Come on, lady.
Call off your muscle.
Let him go.
- [sighs.]
So you're evil, huh? - Yeah.
Well, it's always something.
[Tick laughing.]
Take that! [smashing.]
Until we meet again.
[blows kiss.]
You better run! No one messes with Die Fledermaus, baby! Good work.
[man.]
And now, the highlight of our tour and the moment you've been waiting for, the museum's prize exhibit, the world's most comfortable chair.
[all gasp.]
[chattering indistinctly.]
[machine beeping.]
- [man.]
How do you like the chair? - I like the chair very much.
- Do you find the chair comfortable? - Yes.
Sitting in this chair is the best thing I've ever done.
Good.
OK.
Thank you, you can go.
No, no.
I am never, ever getting out of this chair.
No! No! No! Perhaps, by now, some of you have guessed it.
- Yes, I am that man.
- [all exclaim.]
And even though I finally escaped the terrible comfort of this chair, I've never left its side.
[Ottoman.]
You're about to now, old man! What? I claim this furniture in the name of the Ottoman Empire! Come to your empress.
My wish is your command.
[all scream.]
Boys! The chair! [man.]
I don't know what your game is, but you'll never get away with it.
There'll be blizzards in July before I left you steal the Oh! Hello, old friend.
You have all just witnessed a small demonstration of my powers.
Soon my furniture army will be complete.
We will bring the city to its knees! [grunts.]
Prepare for the return of the Ottoman Empire! [cackling.]
Tick, come on, man.
- Stay cool.
- I'm cool.
Tick! Shh! We're trying to sneak in.
- She may already be inside.
- What makes you think she'll come here? Oh.
Ivan's has the biggest collection of furniture in the city.
Anyone putting together a furniture army would have to come here.
How do we get in? [screams.]
[crash.]
Arthur! Die Fledermaus! It's OK! I landed on beanbags.
Come on down! - [whispering.]
Tick, be quiet! - Yeah.
Clam up.
[Tick.]
OK! - Oh! Oh, pardon me.
- Very sorry.
- You! - You! I thought I might find you here.
What's going on in that pretty little head? [giggling.]
Well, I'm amassing a lethal army of furniture to take over the city and rule in tyranny.
Say, just who are you anyway, stranger? You and your ears and that big, goofy smile.
I'm the guy who's going to sweep you off your feet.
How's dinner and a movie? Say, Thursday? But we come from two different worlds, Die Fledermaus.
You're good, and I'm, well I'm evil.
Tomato, tomato.
We'll work around it.
American Maid! What are you doing here? It's called crime fighting, remember? Sleuthing, staking a place out? For your information, I have everything under control.
"Dinner and a movie Thursday" doesn't sound like control to me.
It's perfect for villains with eye makeup planning on taking over.
[grunting.]
- Who's your girlfriend? - Oh, she's not my girlfriend.
She's just someone I work with.
- [Arthur.]
There she is! - Pack it in, Ottoman.
You've heisted your last high boy.
Gentlemen, have a seat.
Your little game of musical chairs is over.
Attack! Ready, fire! [whistles.]
- Nice work, Tick.
- Thank you, Arthur.
The key is going against the grain.
Oh! Whoa! [moaning.]
[chuckling.]
I have my army! The city will be mine! See you Thursday! - [grunting.]
Arthur, are you OK? - Yeah, I'm fine.
Don't let her get away! - Tick, come on.
- You guys go ahead.
I'll just stay here.
Hey, The Tick's trapped in the world's most comfortable chair.
Tick, you've gotta fight it.
Evil is on the loose! Oh, evil's bad.
The Ottoman is about to take over the city.
The city's nice.
Evil is bad.
Must save city! Get off of me! You little creeps! [struggling.]
Whoa! Ooh Doesn't get much comfier than that.
What do you have to say for yourself? Hmm? Anything? Well, I think I pulled a tendon or something.
[American Maid.]
Your crush on Ottoman nearly got us creamed.
Yeah! I agree.
Falling in love with a super villain is trouble with a capital "Troub.
" Everybody just butt out! I'm not in love with her.
I'm Die Fledermaus.
The only person I'm in love with is me! And I'm outta here! "Trouble with a capital 'Troub.
'" Big blue freak.
What does he know? [sighing.]
Oh, but what do I know? How can I love a super villain? I'm a superhero.
What sweet torture.
Say, this is a little bit of all right.
Glad you like it.
I must be crazy.
What am I doing here? It's love, darling.
Don't try to fight it.
You could have this every night, you know.
- Hmm Fruit plate.
- Die Fledermaus, once we're married, we can rule the city side-by-side.
[stuttering.]
M M Married? - Married? - Yes, married! Oh, we'll be such a handsome couple, sowing fear and discontent throughout the land.
Together for the rest of our lives.
All so sudden.
Rest of our lives? Air getting thin! It's just that marriage is kind of a big word for me.
Not that you're not the one, baby.
But I've been burnt in the past, and I'm not trying to say that I'm not a commitment kind of guy.
It's just that, well, you'll be working such long hours, sowing fear and all.
We'd never get to see each other.
Silence! Do you reject a cherished place next to the throne of the empress? [Tick.]
Ottoman, there'll be no justice of the peace for you! Just a big piece of justice! You! How dare you people! Of all the rude, insolent Attack, my children! Defend the empire! Attack! Die Fledermaus, help me! Die Fledermaus, I can give you everything you've ever dreamed of.
Hmm Loyal colleague, helps a lot of people, wouldn't let me fall.
Wants to tie me down, force for evil Airplane! [all screaming.]
[man.]
Towards the front of the plane, you might make out five people in costumes having a fight with some dining room furniture.
You know, you're in a lot of trouble, my friend.
- You are out of control.
- We're falling! No! Whoa! [grunts.]
Looks like I'm going solo.
[bellows.]
Thanks, Arthur.
I owe you one.
[gasping.]
No problem.
Don't mention it.
- Tick! - Tick, you're OK.
I thought maybe Well, I I didn't know what to think.
[chuckling.]
[with British accent.]
You're very kind to be so concerned, little moth man.
You and your cleaning woman here must be my guests for dinner this evening at my villa.
You know, you didn't really have to save me back there.
Not save you, my sweet? And who would rule beside me during my glorious reign over the city? Oh, yes, of course! [chuckling nervously.]
How stupid of me.
And it will be glorious, won't it, darling? Just the two of us, the empress and her adoring helpmate growing old together.
Yah! [grunts.]
You'll marry me, my sweet.
You have no choice! Oh, man.
And though Ottoman has amassed an army to overpower the city's defenses, she appears to have diverted her energies to the pursuit of a man: Die Fledermaus, one of the city's lesser heroes.
We'll have more as the story develops.
[with accent.]
Sarsaparilla and fresh horses for all my men.
Hmm.
I'm worried about The Tick.
I don't think falling 4,000 feet and getting hit by a subway train did him any good.
Conserve energy, little moth man, for tonight, we dance.
The Tick will be fine, Arthur.
Now, we've gotta find Die Fledermaus.
The Ottoman won't be far behind.
Die Fledermaus! Are you OK? If we don't put that crazy dame away, she's gonna marry me! Get down.
Close the shades.
[all yelp.]
Oh, no.
[Ottoman chuckling.]
[struggling.]
Send in the dragoons! OK, come on.
Let's get up to the roof.
I've got a plan.
- A-ha! - Tick! Grab the comfortable chair! [with British woman's accent.]
I'm to be addressed as "Duchess.
" OK, Duchess, lug that chair up to the roof.
Splendid! Do you understand the plan, Ti Duchess? [with British man's accent.]
The Duchess? Is she here? Bully! [Ottoman.]
So, Die Fledermaus, you refuse to marry me?! Fine! Well, then you'll be destroyed with the rest of them.
I'm no stranger to loneliness.
I grew up lonely.
No brothers, no sisters, no playmates, no pets.
The only friends I had were furniture.
I played with furniture, I talked to furniture, I listened to furniture, I thought I was furniture.
Until I was 13, I was a coffee table.
[screams.]
- Now, now! - Right-o! Maybe I don't have to be evil anymore.
Maybe I can just sit in this chair.
This is all the furniture I need.
[moaning.]
[in normal voice.]
Arthur.
American Maid.
What's doing? Don't ever try to marry me again.
Why would anyone want to marry you? Why would anyone want to do anything but sit in this lovely chair? Look, Arthur.
It's a completely rehabilitated villain.
She's comfortable with herself.
Comfort, commitment, marriage.
What do these things have in common? The letter "C.
" Except for marriage.
And if people get all British whenever they get knocked on the head, what do British people get? I know.
Comatose! Another "C.
" Tick, it's great to have you back to normal.
You too, Arthur.