The Tick (1994) s02e08 Episode Script


[buzzing] [sign buzzing] [ticking] [up-tempo music plays] You got evil in this town So bad But if you're smart you won't be there for them to kick around Chasin' your tail like a little lost puppy No place for you to face Swingin' on a star You got evil in this town So bad That's why the heroes are around Put out a couple of heroes [man] Heroes was filmed on location with the cooperation of members of the superhero community.
[Tick] Yeah, the first patrol is usually pretty quiet.
Your average villain prefers the cover of night.
You get the occasional evil morning person, but rarely before seven.
I don't know why that is.
By 7:30, 8:00, evil is wide awake.
But we're even wider.
We've been up since 6:30! - [feedback buzzes] - Hello, TV Land! I love this show.
I watch it every week.
I'm sure millions of viewers are out there just wondering what it's like to wear the tights of justice.
Well, it's tingly.
It's uncomfortable.
But it gets the job done.
And, oh, the job of it! Tick, maybe we should get out there.
Arthur informs me, with his watch, that evil will wait not a second longer.
The word "go" defines us now.
Everybody, into the pool! - [static buzzes] - [panting, grunting] [screaming, grunting] [chuckling] Close call, huh? Here's a little tip: Leap before you look.
- [static buzzes] - [panting] Challenging roof ahead! [exclaiming] [man struggling] - [Tick] Dog! - [dog growling] [man yelping] - [static buzzing] - [Tick] You OK back there? - Huh Feeling a little better? - [man pants] Good! Hey, ever seen a secret superhero headquarters before? I thought not! Come on over here.
You'll like this.
Yes, here's Arthur's TV set.
We get a lot of special crime information out of this baby.
Usually around 6:00 and then again at 11:00.
Over here, we'll be installing the big crime computer.
We'll put our early-warning perimeter defense system over there.
Probably have to take out a wall for that one.
- [Arthur sighs] - [chuckles] And you see up there? The whole roof will slide away whenever we do this! And get this.
Soon, we'll be able to eject the entire kitchen from the building.
Next time evil tries to catch us with our pants down, they'll get a face-full of kitchen! Being a superhero sidekick Hmm Well, I don't know.
I guess what I find most rewarding are the personal relationships one forms in this business.
[Tick] Arthur! Did you throw away the secret message cannon? The crime-fighting vehicle is an important part of the superhero patrol.
Ours is equipped with many devices crucial in the war against villainy.
- Show 'em the horn, Arthur.
- [Arthur] No.
The dashboard compass guides us always by true magnetic north.
The horn, Arthur, the horn.
Convenient and essential, the map light.
Come on, Arthur, please.
Ooh! And look, moist towelettes! Arthur, honk if you love justice! [Arthur] Oh, for All right, all right! [Arthur honks horn] [snoring] [Tick] Hey, you're not sleeping back there, are you? [man] What? Who are you? - Like a moist towelette? - [man] No.
Is something happening up there yet? [Arthur] Nope.
Still pretty quiet.
What we got on our hands now is what we call a lull.
[crickets chirping] Normally, the lulls don't bunch up like this.
[Arthur] Now what is that? [chuckling] Let the dance begin! [man cackling] Soon, the people of the city will see only by the light of evil.
So commands The Deadly Bulb.
[chuckling] Looks like we got us a live one.
Behold the power of The Deadly Bulb! Deadly Bulb! Remember the name.
That's me, The Deadly Bulb! Deadly Bulb? You face the sworn protector of The City.
You face The Tick! [grunting] Meaningless blue worm, prepare for the new Dark Age.
The Deadly Bulb reigns supreme.
The Deadly B - [screams] My beautiful balloon! - Oh, no! Look out! Get out of the way! [all squealing] This is not happening.
This is not happening! Deadly Bulb, I'm about to write you a reality check.
[choking] Or would you prefer the cold, hard cash of truth.
- [squeaking] - [gasping] - Say, what do you got down there? - Can't see? Need a little light? - [screaming, moaning] - [cackling] [Tick] Shiny! [man] Excuse me, Mr.
We're shooting an episode of Heroes, - and I was wondering - Heroes? I love that show.
if you would mind signing a release form for us.
- [Tick] Can't see! - [man] It's just a formality, for the guys in Legal, so we can use you on the show.
- Certainly.
- How many fingers holding up? Looks like nine! A-ha! Sight, old friend, I knew you wouldn't abandon me for long.
Now, where's that Bulb guy? No, Tick, no, no.
Not that way.
I'd rather not put down my address, if that's [man] That's fine.
Thank you so much.
But Tick won't stay blinded for long, Pig Leg.
We better [growling] [stuttering] Did I call you that? I'm sorry.
Deadly Bulb.
You're The Deadly Bulb, of course.
[squealing, snuffling] Watt, detach the balloon and start the engine.
This is our big exit.
Remember, it's "The Deadly Bulb.
" Deadly Bulb, you rat! I have you now.
[man groans, muffled cries] - [struggling] - [Arthur] Tick, quit it! Let him go! [up-tempo music plays] Feeling a little better? Sorry about "mishap" back there.
You know, I'd just gotten blinded and you were the first warm body I found.
[man] Yeah.
Listen, Tick.
I called the office and I had them bring this over.
It's a head-mounted remote camera.
We usually use it for chimpanzees, but I want you to have it.
[chuckling] Whoa! Keen! The Tick Cam.
[Tick] Arthur.
Arthur, eat that pie.
Go ahead, eat it, lad.
Show 'em how you chew.
Tick, please get out of my face.
Here you go.
My résumé and a recent headshot.
Listen, I heard The Tick roughed you up a bit, and I just wanted to say, I work with my cameraman.
Anytime you wanna ride with me in the Maus-mobile, just give me a buzz.
[clicks tongue] [man] Who are you? Now, you take a guy like, um Like The Deadly Bulb, OK? He's obviously unstable.
A menace to society.
We destroyed some very expensive equipment of his tonight, so, you know, I think we can expect to see him again, probably really soon.
'Course, you know I'm definitely an excellent superhero.
[Tick] Incredible! Tick, you've got mashed potato all over your lens.
[man] The same thing used to happen with the chimps.
I've got a hundred million viewers strapped to my head.
Let's patrol! [all screaming] [all struggling] [squealing] [Deadly Bulb] Is it working? Can they see me? [man] Just hold on a second.
[man] OK.
We got picture.
I'm on? I'm on? Hello, America.
Welcome back to Heroes.
If you've just tuned in, I, The Deadly Bulb, have literally stolen the show.
[squealing] Quiet, down there.
[chuckles] We've got a fabulous lineup for you.
Tonight, we'll do more than just singe the wings of The City's most famous sidekick.
But first, let me introduce my evil minions.
Watt, Socket, say hi to America.
That was some excellent villainy at the diner, boss.
This new Deadly Bulb thing should really do the trick.
Yeah, it's great.
No one will be talking about that pig anymore.
- Shut up! - [both yell] - [laughing] Minions.
- [man] Say, Bulb, do you think we could talk about what you've got going on down there? [gasps] No! - Cut.
Cut! - [squealing, snuffling] [groaning] I got a bad case of camera chafe.
Some TV hero, letting the villain steal Arthur and the camera.
We've still got millions of viewers right here.
Folks, this might seem like a dire situation.
But from a professional point of view, having your sidekick, who's proven himself in the field time and time again, and who happens to be your best friend in the whole wide world, patient and kind, lets you sleep on his couch without paying rent And there's always good crunchy cereal in his pantry and he's oh, so tidy, well, when he gets kidnapped, well, that's just plain awful! We gotta save Arthur! [man] Show us the whole story.
The viewers have a right to know.
Watt, Socket, get that camera out of here! - Get that camera out of here, boss! - [man] Stop that! [static] [snuffling] No! It's always been a difficult thing for me to talk about.
I mean, when one of your legs is a pig, people can't help saying, "Oh, there's a pig there.
" [snorting] And that really starts to hurt after a while.
[sighs] [squealing, snuffling] Perhaps I'm just overtired.
Socket, get me another bulb.
And Watt, more mud for my leg.
[man] Ah [coughs] What's that stuff over there? Oh, that rubbish? You know, somebody gives you one for your birthday, and then people drop by and they assume you like that kind of thing.
Lately, though, all my new friends are giving me light bulb related gifts.
[man] Yeah.
So what was your evil plan? What it was? Oh, no, my friend.
What it is! Sure, I shared a moment of vulnerability with an entire nation, but that's over now.
All my life, people have called me P P [stuttering] - [man] Pig Leg? - Yes.
But when I destroy The City's most powerful superhero on national TV, everyone will know me only as The Deadly Bulb! [cackling] Thanks for joining us.
Once again, I am The Deadly Bulb.
And we're about ready to get started.
- [squealing] - [grunting] To lure a superhero to his doom, you need irresistible bait.
That's what sidekicks are for.
Well, let's flip it.
[Arthur] It's about time something happened! [screaming] Soon, The Tick will be mine.
Fly like a moth, fry like a moth! [Tick] After years of superhero training, you start to notice that a lot of villains kind of have a motif going.
In fact, I'll bet my bottom dollar that that four-story light bulb there has something to do with The Deadly Bulb.
Plus, that's Arthur.
[American Maid] Tick.
Tick! - Let's go.
I'll meet you at the top.
- [Tick] Right.
We're off! This is what villains call "denouement.
" French for "when we finish off the superheroes.
" [Tick gasping] This is what we heroes call the "denouement.
" That's French for "when we finish off the super villains.
" - [snuffling] - [Tick] Ha! Roof pig! Most unexpected! Oh, good.
You finally made it.
Well, come on.
Hey, TV guy! Still got the Tick Cam! Working great.
[Arthur] Help! Oh, boy.
Whoa What'd you do, step in a pig? Never mind the leg.
Forget the leg.
Meet me now in the field of battle.
Right on, Pig Leg.
[echoing screaming] [crashing] Now The Tick is being processed and prepared for his doom.
Let's go take a look.
- [gears grinding] - [Tick yelping] Ouch! Whoa! [blabbering] Uh! Oh! Oh! The Tick should be in position any moment now.
- [screaming] - [light bulb buzzing] [Deadly Bulb] Ah, there he is.
- You'll never get away with this - I hate to disagree, but The Tick has just been turned into the largest and most powerful light bulb filament the world has ever known! [Tick] So warm.
So bright.
Itchy all over.
I'm twinkling.
I'm twinkling! [cackling] Right now, one billion watts of pure electricity are coursing through our blue friend.
I'd say he's got about, oh, five minutes before he burns out.
[Tick] I'm a blazing furnace of light, etched into the firmament.
I got me a celestial body now! You know, it's ridiculous.
They can build a light bulb that will last for 60 years, but the ones you get in the hardware store Watt! Socket! Stop her! Hi-yah! [Watt] That hurt.
[Tick groaning] Hotter.
I'm a fiery new sun! - Don't you do it.
- Eat this.
- No, leg! No! - [squealing] - [Arthur] Help! - [American Maid] Hang on, Arthur! [Tick] Huh? The universe is over and my solar life had just begun? I gotta find a new place to shine.
[grunts] Oh, boy.
- [squealing] - [light bulb crashing] Oh, leg, sweet leg.
Without you, I would have gone right over that edge.
Come to think of it, flat-nosed, pudgy leg, you've been my only friend all these dark long years.
What about Watt and me? We've been doing all your stuff.
Employees don't count.
Give me that blueberry blintz.
This is the end of the light bulb game for me.
From now on, I'm I'm no longer The Deadly Bulb.
I will proudly call myself Pig Leg! [Tick] Happy me! I'm the biggest, brightest ball of gas in the cosmos.
Oh, look, a little lumpy white planet.
Tick? Are you OK? Oh, it's a chatty, misshapen thing, devoid of life.
But I will breathe my warmth upon it.
- [inhaling, exhaling forcefully] - [sirens wailing] [woman on radio]875, we're on a family dispute.
497 [man] Pig Leg, any evil plans we can look forward to? From this point on, I will dedicate my life to making my leg as happy as it can be.
[squealing] All right, keep it moving.
- Thanks, American Maid.
- Well, folks, there you have it.
A day in the life of a superhero and his sidekick.
It's a very long day.
The tights are uncomfortable.
I think we covered that before.
Map light, convenient and essential.
A lot of working with villain motifs.
Crime has a bossa nova beat.
Leap before you look.
Remember, denouement.
Other French words: inconvenient, not essential.
I could go on and on and on, but time's a-wastin' and evil's out there making handcrafted mischief for the swap meet of villainy.
And you can't strike a good deal with evil, no matter how much you haggle.
We don't need to look for a bargain! Goodness is cheap because it's free, and free is as cheap as it gets! Cut! - You got evil in this town - [Tick] What was that pig all about?