The Tick (1994) s02e13 Episode Script

Grandpa Wore Tights

[alarm buzzing] [sign buzzing] [ticking] [man] Let me see.
That must've been '48.
19-odd-48.
[woman] Nah.
It wasn't '48.
In '48, we were in uh Mexico City.
Fighting the Velvet Fist.
[man] No, I tell you, it was '48.
I remember it 'cause of the snow.
Moscow, the Kremlin, Joseph Stalin.
[zapping] [man 2] He was a firecracker! You know, Terror, I think what we need here are intercontinental ballistic missiles.
[Terror] That's small potatoes, Joe.
Dr.
Think is almost ready with our secret army of atomic robot zombie men.
[German accent] Ja! Ja! It will be the largest secret army of atomic robot zombie men in the world! [beeping] Drat! It's that meddling Captain Decency and his Decency Squad.
Visual Eye, let's get a closer look at their desperate scheme.
Roger, Captain.
Rocket from the sockets! Johnny Polite, this is your stop, mister.
Roger, Cap.
Let me at them! I'm full of tinier men! Not yet, Living Doll.
Suffragette, you and the Living Doll cover us from the air.
- We're going in.
- [both] Roger, Captain.
[gasps] Terror, the jig is up.
Sit down, Joe.
Fire them Kremlin domes! - What? - What is it? Kremlin domes at 12:00.
[beeping] [man] Yeah, that Terror was always making trouble for decent folk.
Incredible tale.
Ah, the golden age.
- That wasn't '48, was it, Captain? - [snoring] We have much to learn from our elders.
I could sit here all day, lapping up the pearly mess of their wisdom.
Yeah, Tick, me, too.
But, don't you think we ought to get out on patrol? We will, chum, but we have a responsibility to learn everything we can about our glorious superhero heritage.
Tick, I'm not sure these people have all their wheels on the pavement.
Flummery, chum.
Have a little respect.
This is history on the hoof.
Please, old wisdom heads, we beg of you, share yet another of your amazing adventures.
No, they're still talking about the Kremlin caper.
[babbling on phone] I'm trying, but they keep telling the same stories.
Listen, Dad, I I'm doing my best.
[man] Yeah? [coughs] Do better, sonny boy! I need that machine! [hacking] [babbling on phone] Gotta go.
[screeching] Get down, sidekick.
Let me at them, captain.
I'm full of tinier men! Not yet, Doll, not yet.
[Visual Eye] We were in the islands of Peru, fighting the deadly monkeys of the Machu Picchus.
[Living Doll] They weren't monkeys, they were gibbons.
[Visual Eye] Monkeys, gibbons, what's the difference? They're subhuman.
Rocket from the sockets! [Visual Eye] See, they won hold of the secret, experimental atomic torpedo! [Suffragette] Wait a minute.
What are you talking? That wasn't the gibbons.
That was the guy, um that was the one with the The submarine on his head? [sighs] [Visual Eye] Yeah.
The Sub Human.
The Sub Human.
- One ugly customer.
- 1936.
The middle of the Atlantic.
I remember 'cause of the water.
Well, if it isn't that meddling Decency Squad I've been hearing so much about on the wireless.
I can't think of a better time for my secret, experimental - atomic torpedo! - [beeping] [man] Hold it.
Is the Terror even in this story? - [snoring] - '36? No, the Terror was in Berlin.
Don't you have some story with the Terror and some ultimate weapon? [Suffragette] Ah, the Terror had plenty of ultimate weapons.
Yeah, like the Ray Gun.
OK.
Yeah, good.
The Ray Gun, what was that? Oh, the Ray Gun? The worst.
One blast from that sucker turned half a town into a guy named "Ray.
" Hi, Chief, fill her up? [bell dinging] - Oh, wicked! - [sighs] And then there was the Tommy Gun.
No, no, no.
You know, the Terror, the most dangerous weapon in the history of mankind? You guys hid it away so it wouldn't fall into the wrong hands? - Anything like that? - Oh, yeah.
The Desire-O-Vac.
The City.
I remember 'cause of the chocolate.
[cackling] Finally, the Desire-O-Vac is in my clutches.
Anything I wish for is mine.
[cackling] Give me money! [man] Not so fast, Terror.
So, it's Johnny Polite, eh? You like chocolate, Johnny? - Yes, sir, I do very much.
- Give me some chocolate for Johnny Polite.
In fact, give me chocolate for the whole city! [cackling maniacally] That's it.
Keep him busy, Johnny.
We'll Oh, drat! We're chocolate covered and we're going down.
Don't worry, I'll get him.
[cackling] [screaming] I vote for goodness! [laughing] I vote for goodness.
- [snoring] - I kicked his keister.
So, where do you suppose the Desire-O-Vac is now? Well, like you said before, the Desire-O-Vac was far too dangerous to trust in the hands of anyone.
The temptation would be too great.
Even for the Decency Squad.
[Living Doll] So, we hid it in the abandoned mine shafts outside The City.
[Terror] Hello, Warden.
Hi, this is just a law-abiding, tax-paying citizen.
Yeah, I'd like to speak to the Human Ton.
[thunderclap] [man] You got five minutes, mister.
Hello? [Terror] Ton, this is [coughs] this is Terror.
Let me speak to Handy.
Hello? I know where they hid the Desire-O-Vac.
I need some muscle to help me get it.
What's he saying? Get your toothbrushes, I'm springing you tonight.
- [Tick grunting] - [crashing] I'm so glad we decided to visit Commander Goodbye's.
Yes, those old-timer's stories were unbelievable.
I'll say.
You can't believe a word of it.
- What? - Come on.
The Kremlin dome missiles? Atomic robot zombie men? The Desire-O-Vac? Give me a break.
Arthur, you have no historical perspective.
Science in those days worked in broad strokes.
They got right to the point.
Nowadays, it's all just molecule, molecule, molecule.
Nothing ever happens big.
[alarm ringing] Huh? What's that? Postal fraud? [man] Attention, Terror.
Exit your vehicle or we will be forced to fire.
Try me, percy-pants.
[cackling] [Handy] We're on.
Attention, prisoner 618 and prisoner 618A, halt or we'll shoot.
Flake off, coppers.
- [gunfire] - [screaming] The Terror is springing the Human Ton and his little friend, Handy.
Not that rotten puppet.
Hop in, boys.
Everything's jake.
Terry, [coughs] get us out of here.
Dad, you never taught me how to drive this thing.
Oh, for Pipe down and get out of the way, you little Betty.
This is exactly what I've been talking about, Dad.
You don't respect me.
- Rah, bah, bah.
- [thud] Put those felons back where you found them, you geriatric jerk.
You're that nosy guy from the retirement home, what are you doing here? [chuckling] Day trip? - [zapping] - [screaming] [crash] Tick.
Whoa.
That was pretty big.
[owl hooting] I can't see anything.
Which mine shaft did you say it was? I don't know, because my son here didn't think to ask.
- Did you? - Dad! They couldn't remember Oh, rah bah bah! Stop dismissing me.
I'm somebody.
I've got a wife and kids and beautiful grandchildren.
Rah bah bah! You are the most pathetic super villain [coughs] I ever saw! Dad, I'm not a super villain.
I'm a retired insurance claims adjuster.
I'm just doing this to get close to you.
Oh, you want to get close to me, sonny? Do something bad, not badly! There it is.
[chuckling] The Terror's going after the Desire-O-Vac.
Think of it, sidekick.
You and me, mano a mano, with the greatest criminal mind of the 20th century! And even part of the 19th, I think.
I don't know.
These places are really dangerous.
How do we know there really is a Desire-O-Vac? And the world hangs in the balance.
[sighs] Let me have the flashlight.
[all laughing] So, what kind of mine do you think this was, anyway? Gold, uranium, diamonds? [sighs] Tick, look around you, it was a coal mine.
Ooh.
Coal.
You know, the only difference between a lump of coal and a shiny diamond is a little pressure and a little time.
Here, watch this, I saw it in a movie once.
[groaning] Tick, come on! Tick, I really think Arthur Is it a diamond yet? [Terror laughs and coughs] [sighing] So, Dad, you finally got the Desire-O-Vac.
Are you satisfied now? [cackling] You betcha! [hacking] Now, what do I want? How about you and me really talking for once? To see each other as people, loving, caring people.
Rah bah bah! Ooh! I got a good one.
Give me the Decency Squad! [cackling and coughing] [man] Now we return to tonight's episode of The Mummy Speaks.
I'm shooting pool, Imhotep.
When I miss, then you can shoot pool.
[groans] Now, that guy's old.
Honey, I forget, what was so bad about evil? [snoring] [cackling] Well, ain't this the cat's galoshes? My greatest rivals will witness my greatest triumph.
I Man! You guys are elderly! - You'll never get away with it, Terror.
- Rah bah bah.
- Don't you hate it when he does that? - Terry, you betrayed us.
We told you all our best anecdotes.
And we thought you were our friend.
Well, I'd like to be, but Well, it's just he's my dad.
You got that right, Esmerelda.
Now, before I unleash my darkest desire on the world, I think I'm gonna play a little game called, "I'm OK and You're Not!" [Tick] Not so fast, wrinkly wrongdoer.
You face The Tick.
- [chuckling] You don't get it, do you? - Tick, he's got the Desire-O-Vac.
That's right, moth-boy.
And let me give you a little demo.
Give me those things on The Tick's head.
Huh? [screams] Terror, you stink! You know these things always bugged me, what are they for, anyway? Can't keep balance.
- I fall.
- Tick! You know what? Playing with you saps is beginning to bore me.
I think it's time for you all to exit the picture.
Permanently.
[hacking] - Dad, I can't let you do that.
- Ah, rah bah bah.
- I can't - Give me [Terror shouting] - Hang on, Tick.
- Mm-hm.
Uh Uh Give me those things.
[Human Ton] Come here! Now you're gonna get it.
Wait, you big goon, forget the moth.
We can have whatever we want.
Oh, yeah.
I want to be a real boy.
- [Arthur laughs] - [whimpering] Ha! You see, you can't have wishes because you don't have your own brain.
You're a puppet.
Literally, a puppet.
[whimpering] No.
You can't let him talk to me like that.
- Yeah, shut up! - [screams] Why didn't you ever play catch with me? Or take me fishing? Because you're such a little dweeb.
OK, who wants a little of these? Looks like it's up to the Decency Squad.
- Right.
- I'll knock the big one off his Keds.
I vote for [both scream] [growling] - OK.
- Ah! Rocket from the sockets! Whoa! Well, that was an Oedipal moment.
- [both] Huh? - Sophocles.
- [speaks French] - [Handy] Oedipus Tyrannus? The guy plucks his own eyes out?! Read a book! [both groans] Oh, uh Give me, uh, The Tick's antennae.
[groans] No.
No, no! Why couldn't you just be a dad once in a while? I had to work.
Money doesn't grow on trees, you know.
I'll handle this monster.
You go help The Tick.
Back off, grandpa.
[chuckles] You can't beat me, I'm full of tinier men.
[grunts] [laughs] The Living Doll strikes! Hey, get back here.
I'm full of tinier men, too! [laughs] - I don't feel well.
- OK, big fella, we got you.
Lean on me, go ahead.
Give me these things back on The Tick's head.
OK, that hurt.
Oh, man.
That is so much better.
[Handy grunts] [cackling] Now what are you gonna do, tiny man? [Handy screams] [Human Ton growls] Spoon! All right! You wouldn't put your old man in prison now, would you, sonny boy? Yes, Dad, I guess I would.
- Is that all of you, honey? - I I think so.
Oh, nuts! Where did you come from? [snoring] And so, once again, we find that the evil of the past seeps into the present like salad dressing through cheap waxed paper, mixing memory and desire.
You guys escort the Terror outside, and I'll handle the Human Ton.
[Human Ton, muffled] Thank you.
Uh, Tick, do us a favor and destroy that Desire-O-Vac.
Gotcha.
Give me a BLT.
Oh! Fab! Hmm? You call this a BLT? Where's the mayonnaise?! [groans]