The Tick (1994) s02e12 Episode Script

Tick vs. Reno, Nevada

[alarm buzzing] [sign buzzing] [ticking] [bells dinging] [people screaming] [French man] And now, please allow us to introduce a great artist, a great mammal [French woman] And a close friend of many years [man laughs] That's right, Fred.
Ladies and gentlemen, Monsieur Smarty Pants.
The smartest dolphin in the world.
So, Monsieur Smarty Pants, let's just see how smart you are, ah? And up! That was easy, no? But now, are you smart enough to jump through the same hoop on fire?! "Below I dream of fish Above me wretched siblings Prance in sequence" Seventeen perfect syllables.
And now, we must ask for complete silence.
As Monsieur Smarty Pants prepares to earn his name.
Go, Smarty! But jumping into a pair of one-legged relaxed fit slacks is easy.
Try jumping into pants when they are on fire! Come on, Smarty, let's nail those flaming pants! [screams] Help! Help! Hey, you! That is our dolphin! - He's his own dolphin.
- He's finished working for "the man.
" Help! Help us! [gurgling] We are floundering! [man talking on TV] [ringing] - Hello? - Arthur, help.
Help us, they stole Monsieur Smarty Pants.
We've lost our porpoise.
In life.
- Who is this? - We are Soren and Frederica.
World famous Reno enter-trainers.
Arthur, we met your parents on a Caribbean cruise and they told us you were a superhero.
And we are in trouble.
Big trouble.
[bells dinging] Listen, Tick.
I want to tell you something about Reno.
- You have to be really careful, OK? - [coins jingling] Because these gambling casinos play on people's weakness and gullibility.
Free money! Wait, Tick, that's what I was trying to say.
[Frederica] You must be Arthur.
Thank goodness you've come.
Everything will be OK! He really is a superhero.
- Help us, Arthur.
- [clears throat] Actually, I'm Arthur.
[crying] Oh, no.
And, uh, this is The Tick.
He's with me.
Look, Soren, the big blue man is with him.
[speaks French] [kissing] Ahem.
Maybe you should take us to the scene of the crime.
The scene of the crime? Say, you are professionals.
OK, this way.
[hypnotic voice] Tick.
- [coins jingling] - Tick.
Tick, are you all right? [mumbling] Of course.
Lead on, sleuthful sidekick, there's a mystery to be solved.
[Soren] My sister Fred alone must have fought off a dozen of them, while I guarded Mr.
Smarty Pants with the selfless determination of a lioness protecting her cubs.
- Isn't that right, Fred? - Oui.
You were so brave.
- [coins jingling] - Free money.
- Tick, what happened? - I I was looking for clues.
I think I may have stumbled on one.
You mean this? Say, that is not one of our fish.
We would never feed that kind of fish to Mr.
Smarty Pants.
Too fatty.
Whoever stole the dolphin must've dropped this fish on the way out.
There is only one place in Reno to get a fish like that.
A-ha! Our first break.
Lead on, glamour guys.
[man's voice] Now we move on to the most challenging phase of my master plan.
Squeaky, progress report.
Well, I I think I'm getting the hang of sonar.
- What? - Sonar.
I've been practicing at night in my bunk.
[mimics dolphin] It's true.
He can do it, I seen him.
How many fingers am I holding up? [mimics dolphin] Two.
Ooh, that's really close.
I can speak dolphin, I know I can.
[mimics dolphin] And I've reached my dolphin-ness through interpretive dance.
- Seven? - Try again.
[man's voice] You ninnies! You nitwits! You becoming dolphins has nothing to do with my plans.
But, that's the one true path isn't it? Porpoise power, power to the porpoises.
No? [man's voice] What I need you to do is bring me the components of the device I have designed.
[chuckling] Soon, all of Reno will be at my mercy.
After that, who knows? Perhaps the entire state of Nevada.
[chuckling] - [laughing] - [dolphin squeaks] Mr.
Smarty Pants is dead.
Long live The Fin! Long live The Fin! Long live The Fin! [man] What's that? Come in, Commander Bob, - I I I can't read you.
- [radio interference] I repeat, do not enter the Earth's atmosphere.
Dangerous r r robots have taken over our electoral college.
Do you copy? We are alone.
I I gotta go, someone needs fish.
Jack, this little minnow's been playing hookey.
Any idea where it goes to school? - Tick, what are you doing? - Hard-boiled sleuthing, chum.
Well, maybe that's my fish and maybe it ain't.
Who wants to know? Hmm, tough nut, eh? Well, I've cracked a couple of them.
Why don't you come clean with the dirt and maybe we'll slip you a few Samoans.
Please, Jack, someone stole our dolphin.
Wait a second.
You're Soren and Fred.
You mean someone stole Mr.
Smarty Pants? Yes! All right, all right I know who ordered those fish.
They're coming back today for another six barrels.
Barrels, eh? That gives me an idea.
Here's their order, they'll be here any minute.
OK, we gotta act fast.
We'll let the crooks take us to their hideout.
Fred, get into this barrel of fish.
- [hypnotic voice] Tick.
- Huh? Five will get you ten, ten will get you twenty.
Twenty will get you a million zillion.
Don't worry, we've been in this situation lots of times.
Right, Tick? Tick? Hey, pal! Those fish are the property of The Cult of The Fin.
I think you'd better step aside, weirdo.
Come on, Tick, you know what you want.
OK, now this is only for an emergency.
Come on, pretty fruit, bring it home to daddy.
[pulls slot arm] Oh.
One quarter left.
I think that qualifies as an emergency.
[van engine starting] [moans] Soren? Fred? Tick! Where are you? [The Fin] Heave.
[men groaning] [The Fin] Heave! OK.
Excellent, boys.
Those wretched enter-trainers preyed upon my weakness for fresh fish, using my compulsive hunger to make me jump through their hoops.
Well, they'll be sorry.
- Where do you want these? - Over there.
No, bring them closer.
You know what? Just dump them into the pool.
[The Fin] Fish.
Fish, food of the gods.
[gurgling] Incredible.
[both gasp] Mr.
Smarty Pants! Well, Soren, Fred I do believe this is the happiest day of my life.
And we are happy to see you.
Smarty Pants, you can talk! Ishmael, Billy, pry these hairless apes from my streamlined form, and prepare them for torture! [laughs] [Tick] Come on, mega money.
Mega money! Mega money! Mega money! [hypnotic voice] Ooh, Tick, you've got the touch.
[laughs] [cackles] I gotta help Soren and Fred.
Don't you want to be a winner, Tick? Oh, yes, please.
I'd like to be a winner, thank you.
Well, all right! [laughs maniacally] Last quarter.
I'm a winner.
Tick, I've been looking all over for you.
Arthur, I have a problem.
Keep working, boys.
Untold riches await us all.
Here you go, Mr.
Smarty I mean Mr.
"Soren's lips are blue I think he's cold It makes me sad I hope we live" You call this a haiku?! He's just counting syllables.
Get back in the water! And after I specifically warned you about gambling! I know.
I know.
[hypnotic voice] Tick.
Say, Arthur, those wings of yours are pretty nice.
What do you think a pair like that would be worth? Used, I mean.
Tick! Our friends are in trouble and we've got to help them! Listen to me.
If you don't snap out of this stupid gambling fever right now, then then I'm not sure you can help anyone.
[whimpering] And my middle name used to be "Helping People.
" The "Helping People" Tick.
Then let's go help Soren and Fred! OK! Very good, Soren.
Well done, Fred.
But, anyone can be tied up, prodded with boat hooks and pushed off a ten meter platform into a giant pair of pants.
[chuckling] Let's see if you can do the same trick on fire! [cackles] "Oh, their brains, their greasy, shiny brains.
And that some otherworldly intelligent may value them as a sandwich spread.
" [chuckles] - Jack, we need your help.
- You again? Yes! Even now, they've got Soren and Fred and it's all my fault.
They've got Mr.
Smarty Pants and his charming, perfectly groomed trainers? This smells like conspiracy! Government cover-up.
Men in black.
Hangar 19.
What happened to checks and balances, to decentralized power? Someone's pursuing my happiness.
[groans] How much coffee can one man drink? [snickers] Here's the enemy's billing address.
And here, you'll need some wheels.
Here's the keys to my ride.
The keys to your what? - We look cool! - Yeah.
[Arthur groans] Good heavens, Arthur, look! Soren and Fred, dangling in the same pair of pants.
What perversity is this? That does it, Arthur.
Spoon! Good bye, Fred.
I Well, I Me, too, Soren.
[screaming] Don't you worry, little fella.
We'll have you back at the hotel in no time.
Someone come and pummel this annoying person.
- Um - [shouting] Well, I think we can pretty much call it a day.
[The Fin] Think again, you big blue dink! Soon you will be begging me for mercy.
[clicks teeth] And you will find that I have none! You know, for a loveable dolphin, he's pretty hostile.
Ram his ribs with your snouts, boys! [screaming] [groaning] [man] Oh, man! [The Fin] You overconfident bibs.
You've lost and you don't even know it.
For I have constructed a revolutionary device that will bury Reno in my wealth! I have invented the fish magnet.
A fish magnet? That's ridiculous.
Yeah, boss.
We thought you were doing something to bring the cult a lot of money.
You fools.
Money doesn't put fish on the table.
Fish puts fish on the table.
Yeah, but even so, there's no such thing as a fish magnet.
Is there? [The Fin] Oh, isn't there? Watch.
[droning sound] Yes, well [clears throat] Coincidence? Well, I guess everything is attracted to something.
[wind howling] Uh-oh.
[The Fin laughs] Now, that's weird.
You've got to get us out of here.
A few more seconds and we'll be buried alive.
Quick, I'll get the dolphin, you reverse the polarity on that fish magnet.
[groaning] Ow! Whoa! [zapping] Yes! [both gasping] I don't know.
Dolphins can hold their breath a really long time.
Yeah? Well, so can The Tick.
[gasps] - Monsieur Smarty Pants, speak to us.
- Get away from me.
Ah! Bracing.
Monsieur Smarty Pants, we are so sorry.
How could we have known you were so unhappy? - But you heard what the judge said.
- You have been remanded to our custody.
You must do as we say.
Here, have another fish.
I don't need your stinking fish.
Why don't you get real jobs, you tanning booth disasters? - Oui.
Keep it up.
- Now you've got it.
And so, Arthur, we learned that gambling is bad.
And yet, in a certain sense, isn't life itself a gamble? You can never really be sure of anything.
Like, who would have thought dolphins could go bad? Or that fish were magnetic? Not me.
No, sir, not me.