The Tick (1994) s02e11 Episode Script

Tick vs. the Big Nothing

[alarm buzzing] [sign buzzing] [ticking] [snoring] [snorting] Huh? Well, that's new.
- [electricity crackling] - [groaning] OK.
[speaking in alien language] I've read about this kind of thing at the checkout counter.
[moans] What the? Who? You guys haven't done this much, have you? [speaking in alien language] Hey, Arthur, lookie.
I'm being abducted by space aliens! What?! [all] Hey! Hey! [groans] Who are you? What are you doing in my apartment? Hey! Hey, hey! [screams] [crackling] [sighs] So, abducted by space aliens, huh? Well, let the probing begin! [speaking alien language] Oh, you know, the part where you examine your specimen.
- [clears throat] What? - Aw, come on.
Whip out those weird instruments of science and probe away.
[speaking alien language] My elbow? [chuckles] You guys don't have a clue, do you? [speaking alien language] Tick, we have a confession to make.
Hey, you speak English.
[chuckles] Well yes.
I'm the mission's interpreter.
Our language consists of only one word.
- What? - Exactly.
But I have trained myself to speak all earth languages.
Except, of course, Esperanto.
[laughs] You could tell that one was going nowhere fast.
Anyway, we're not who you think we are.
We had to disguise ourselves because we're being followed by intergalactic spies.
In fact, we captured one of them in your apartment.
Oh, cool! [speaking What language] Eww! You guys are ugly, with a capital "ug.
" Well, Tick, I'd like to be able to say that on our planet, we're considered quite beautiful, but, frankly - What! - we're dogs.
Who are you? What do you want? What have you done with Tick? - [door slides open] - [screams] [gasping and screaming] - Hey.
- What? Hey.
Mmm! Boy, you know these space cookies are great.
I'm glad you're enjoying them.
But that's not why we brought you here.
We'd like you to view this holographic presentation of our apocalyptic dilemma.
Keen.
Dinner and a show.
[voice] Did you ever think about the end of the universe? No? Well, let's give it a thought, shall we? Here's your favorite sandwich, a BLT.
It's delicious.
And now, it's gone.
Here's your favorite planet, the Earth.
It's where you keep all your stuff.
And now, it's gone.
And, here you are, you're just minding your own business.
And now, you're gone.
Oh, man! That's the pits! - Hey.
- What? - Hey.
- What? What?! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
[male voice] To understand the end, let's go back to the beginning.
The Big Bang.
According to our theory, the Big Bang was the cosmic event in which all space, time, matter and energy was formed.
Science.
Boring.
Interest fading.
[yawning] I don't know what you want from me.
[shuddering] What is that? Wait! [screaming] [deep voice] Now I am speaking to you with my mind, Hey-scum.
[Arthur] What? What are you talking about? Don't play dumb with me! You are a spy for the Hey empire, we know all about your plan to destroy the universe.
The universe? I don't want to destroy anything.
Liar! Even now, your entire population is poised at the black hole, at the center of this galaxy, ready to insert yet another black hole into it.
And then Kaboom! [male voice] Nothing.
The Big Nothing.
That's what the Heys want.
They worship nothing.
Just listen to this Hey propaganda.
- Hey! - Nothing lasts forever.
- Hey.
- Nothing is worth fighting for.
- Hey! - Yes, we have no bananas.
Wow.
These guys look just like my sidekick.
- What? - The Heys.
They look like Arthur.
The guy I live with.
[speaking What language] [all gasping] - Did I say something wrong? - Nothing, no problem.
We're [stammering] Enjoy another space cookie, we'll be right back.
Well, I can see you have been well-trained at keeping secrets.
No matter, we have other methods.
The thought vacuum will suck every memory out of your head.
Leaving you a mindless vegetable.
- Ready? - [Arthur] What? Oh, no.
No, please.
I I like my mind.
[moaning] [all shouting in What language] What's in the pollo asada? Chicken? Ha! What's that? [man] A black hole is the strongest gravitational force in the universe.
Nothing, not even light, can escape its powerful pull.
[Tick snoring] Hello.
Here's that little friend you were talking about.
Arthur, you got abducted too? Isn't this great? We're gonna save the universe! - It's gonna be boss! - [alien] Arthur, um On behalf of our captain, I'd like to apologize for for temporarily losing your, um ahem, luggage.
He'd like to present you with complimentary slippers, this pillow and drink coupons for the duration of the flight.
- Aw, Arthur, you lucky dog! - [chuckles] Yeah.
- [klaxon sounding] - [speaking What language] This is bad.
Our scanners have detected the Heys' most devastating weapon.
It's followed us for light years.
We thought we'd lost it.
It's back on our trail.
- What is it? - Yeah, what is it? It's the Infinity Ball.
[rumbling] [humming and squeaking] [Tick] Uh, let me get this straight, you want us to go into the mouth of a black hole, confront the entire population of Hey, and steal or destroy their doomsday device? - That's the idea, Tick.
- Piece of cake.
You know, ever since I got my mind back, I've been doing some thinking.
If the Heys' device is operational, why haven't they destroyed the universe yet? Well, in addition to being dangerously deranged nihilists, the Heys are a chatty, ceremonious race.
[speaking in Hey language] This is an important event for the Heys.
Their leader has been giving his Good Bye to Everything speech for 13 years.
[clearing throat] But our spies inform us that the Hey leader is finally reaching the end of his speech.
[speaking in What] Soon he will detonate the Big Nothing.
That's bad.
The Infinity Ball is approaching.
It's within visual scanner range.
Hey, we've got those on earth.
We knock them into little pockets with sticks.
- Really? You guys are tough.
- Uh-huh.
And we got higher numbers too.
[Tick] Well, come on, uglies, how do we spur this space pony on? [Infinity Ball humming, squeaking] Our race is the most squirrelly, easily frightened bunch of cowards in the universe.
Centuries ago, we learned to harness our fear and use it as fuel.
Your ship runs on fear? Wiggy.
Well, fill her up, boys.
That's just it.
Now that you're around, we're really not that scared.
- We don't have enough fear.
- Oh, well Here, try Arthur, he's an anxious little dude.
Tick, I don't think this is going to work.
I don't like this idea at all.
- [babbling] - [Arthur gasps] Look.
See, he's scared already.
Go, man, go! [speaking What language] Infinity Ball, ten minutes and closing.
All right uh killer bees! Oooh! Loch Ness monster! Uh Uh Girls.
OK, this will get you.
The end of the universe! Sorry, it's too big.
I can't get a grip on it.
Oh, come on.
The end of everything! No more BLTs.
[screaming] [humming and squeaking] [shuddering] Take it easy, man, it's just a sandwich.
Arthur's incredible.
This is the fastest our ship has ever gone! [hard gasping] - [speaking What language] - But it's not quite fast enough.
The Infinity Ball is still gaining on us.
Infinity Ball, five minutes and closing.
Come on, Arthur, freak out! It won't work.
Our fuel tanks are already full of fear and I've never seen anyone as scared as Arthur.
[gasping] Besides, we're going faster than the speed of light.
And the Infinity Ball is still gaining on us.
We're going to have to use untested technology to achieve the speed of lint.
The speed of excuse me? Lint, Tick, the fastest thing in the universe.
Right after you do your laundry, what's the first thing you find in your pockets? - Crayons, change, lip balm? - Lint! And how does it get there? - Uh, I don't know! - It's that fast! Prepare to enter lint warp! [beep] This is it! [all screaming] Ugh.
I've never seen so much lint in my life.
The ship's hull can't take any more.
We've got to drop out of lint warp.
[groaning] What a trip.
[cheering] We lost the Infinity Ball! - [sensors beeping] - [screaming] On the other hand, we found the black hole.
[all screaming] And there's the Hey Mothership.
[speaking Hey language] Why aren't they getting sucked into the black hole with the rest of us? - They have an anti-gravity force field.
- Lucky ducks! Well, fire the engines! Spur this iron space pony on.
We can't.
Lint warp drained our fuel reserves.
Oh.
Curve ball.
Hook me up! Oh, no.
The Hey leader is only minutes from finishing his speech.
He's just acknowledged the decorations committee.
And now he's thanking his parents.
- Tick, are you suited up? - [Tick] Roger.
So, what do you think, Arthur? Let's just go.
Well, Arthur, if we don't make it, it's been really nice knowing you.
You, too, Tick.
[leader speaking Hey language] Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Hey.
Hey! [speaking Hey language] [cheering] Hey! - [Tick grunting] - Hey! [beeping] [grunts] Oh, man.
Rats! [grunts] [grunting] I got to pull myself together.
Must defy laws of physics.
Defy it, Tick! Fight that black hole! [grunting] - Arthur, I got it.
- Well, that's the good news.
[all] Hey! Hey hey! [strained] It's that kind of day, isn't it? OK, come on, pal.
Take your best shot! [gulps] Hey.
[Tick] Yeah [chuckles] And because I destroyed their most devastating weapon, which turned out to be pretty lame, the entire population began to worship me, like unto a god.
Uh-huh.
Let me get this straight.
Last night you get abducted by aliens, they take you to the center of the galaxy, where you get sucked into a black hole? - Right.
- [Die Fledermaus] Uh-huh.
- And then you save the universe.
- Yep.
And, can you prove any of this? Well, uh we're all still here, aren't we? Yeah, so I guess we owe you one, Tick.
Yeah, thanks.
Any time, chums.