The Tick (2016) s02e02 Episode Script

A.E.G.I.S and You

NARRATOR: There are monsters out there.
Make no mistake, it takes heroes to fight them.
But it takes more than heroes to make us safe.
That's where we come in.
The men and women of AEGIS, marching in lockstep towards a future where all citizens are watched over and protected.
In fact, you can think of AEGIS as a government-funded shield, a shield over you and yours.
Well, that was a little cool.
A little cool? Tick, are you kidding me? We're here at AEGIS.
I mean, we're really here.
You know, not just for a school field trip or something.
I mean, man, can you believe they actually want us to register as superheroes? We're already registered, chum, with destiny.
And she's given us a brand-new super-villain to fight and the press has dubbed him Lobstercules.
Uh, I think, I think, Tick, I-I think that's pronounced Lobster-cules.
Lobstercules.
- I don't get it.
- I don't either.
Anyhow, we should introduce this bank-robbing lobster to Surf and Turf.
Now offering market prices.
Yes, okay, but we-we'll do that.
Okay? I promise.
We're on the case.
But first, can we please just get licensed? I mean, you heard Rathbone.
He thinks we have a real shot at joining the new Flag Five.
An exciting time to be alive, am I right? Gentlemen, I'm Dr.
Agent Hobbes, Acting Branch Director of Science.
Ha-Have you been there the whole time? Yes.
I love this movie.
Agent Commander Rathbone has asked me to give you a little tour of the facility.
Well, we have a crooked crustacean caper that needs cracking, so I'm afraid we don't have the time to What? No, we definitely have the time.
We'd love to take part in that.
Thank you so much for asking us.
Lovely.
Follow me.
Forgive the mess.
We're still unpacking.
This office has been shut down for quite a while.
Seems people like playing army around here.
Tick, those are real AEGIS troopers.
You know? "Humanity's first defense against the unfathomable.
" Oh, my God, and that's the AEGIS Villain Doppler.
Look, it uses barometric pressure to predict crime patterns.
I sense a fellow fan.
Hey, it's that bossy guy with the gas-cap heart.
I want that core up and radiating by this time tomorrow.
- Yes, sir.
Right away, sir.
- Hello, gentlemen.
Glad you decided to show.
See you met our head egghead here, Dr.
Hobbes.
Makes sure that you bring them up to see the Ops Center.
Oh, and, uh, don't forget you have that meet and greet with the Molemen at 3:00.
Some things never change.
Setting up shop in a big town, you got to make your peace with the Molemen.
Thank you, sir.
(ALARM BLARING) MAN: AEGIS personnel! Salute! Arthur, what's happening? (QUIETLY): Tick, Tick, it's the AEGIS anthem, okay? - Just stay quiet and follow me.
- (MUSIC PLAYING) (BAGPIPES PLAYING) - Arthur.
- ARTHUR: Shh! That screeching creature is sucking the life out of that man.
ARTHUR (WHISPERING): It's not that's not what's happening.
- Okay? Just What? - I got it.
Tick.
No.
Tick.
Tick, Tick.
Tick! - (MAN GRUNTING) - (BAGPIPES PLAY INTERMITTENTLY) He'll be all right.
Just a little winded.
JOAN: Dot? Your brother and your father are waiting for us.
Please, just choose, honey.
- I want the boots.
- DOT: Want the boots.
I'm not getting you combat boots.
I told you that.
DOT: Want the boots.
JOAN: Please, Dot, choose.
YOUNG DOT: I don't know.
JOAN: Dot, hurry up.
I don't think they fit, Mom.
(PEOPLE SCREAMING) JOAN: Well, now look.
Your father's under all of that.
That's what you get for being a minute late, young lady.
You're a minute late.
- Finally.
- (GASPS) I've been pinned under you since daybreak.
You had options, you know.
You could've just moved me or - chewed your arm off.
- Thought about it.
I think we passed out.
You passed out.
I just drifted off.
No.
No.
I'm taking another day off work.
(OVERKILL SIGHS) (HELMET VIBRATING) Please, Overkill, pick up.
Come on.
Pick up.
Welcome to the Heroes' Lounge.
Great Caesar's Break Room! Available to registered heroes 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
ARTHUR: Ah, man, this place is amazing.
HOBBES: Here you can enjoy access to the AEGIS criminal database or network with other heroes or our own personnel.
Or you can simply take a break at our world-class refreshment and coffee bar.
Our croissants are particularly good.
Hmm.
- Ah, man.
- Mmm.
- Mmm, mmm.
- This is particularly good.
Buttery in all the right places.
That would be our nano-butter.
Like regular butter, but smaller, more advanced.
Small butter.
Keen.
This place is unbelievable.
I mean, they got cable TV, free Wi-Fi.
They even have phone charging stations.
Yes.
Membership does have its privileges.
Here at AEGIS we like to say, "We're here to help the heroes while the heroes are helping the helpless.
" That sounds pretty help-y.
Well, if you are interested, I'll leave you with these forms to fill out.
Egad, more paper.
Yeah, no, we are definitely interested.
Thank you.
Have fun with them.
I think we should get started on these right away.
- They look pretty, uh, thorough.
- (GROANS) Oh, hey, Arthur.
Check this out.
I didn't know Dangerboat had siblings.
ARTHUR: Huh, that must be what he used to do here.
Does this mean our woefully water-bound friend can fly? Um, I don't know what it means, but I think we should maybe ix-nay, you know, on the angerboat-day.
(LAUGHS) Man, I dig your crazy mouth music.
(QUIETLY): I'm serious, okay? We shouldn't talk about him or Overkill while we're here.
They went rogue from AEGIS, remember? Say, do you think AEGIS share my "murder isn't cool" policy? I think they do, yeah.
You-you know? Which is why you should sign this.
Mm.
(SIGHS) Name.
"The Tick.
" All right.
Maybe this won't be so difficult.
E.
MORGAN PEARL (OVER TV): Guess what? Superian isn't perfect.
Remember, this is the genius who told us for years that The Terror was dead.
It turns out he was tricked.
That's why we're finally seeing this unprecedented dip in his approval ratings.
We're all starting to wonder if Superian isn't perfect, then what exactly is he, anyway? - (TV TURNS OFF) - He's getting a little PO'd.
- Hey, Superian? - Hey, Larry.
Hey.
Uh, just wondering how, uh, long you want the room for? Holland is great and all and, uh Larry, what's this? Oh, no.
Oh, don't look at that.
I mean, I know what it is.
I know what it is.
It's a thumbs d-down.
It's it's a thumbs down! Social media is a cesspool, buddy.
I mean, seriously, just the, just the wrong kind of mirror.
And is it "unlike" or "not like"? Because whichever one it is, it means someone somewhere is actively disliking me and, Larry, they're doing it everywhere.
We got people on that.
We'll get some bots and we'll trend you right back up, okay? - Come on.
You're above this.
- I am not above this.
Why don't I just take the computer? Larry.
Back off.
Okay.
Okay.
I'll just let everyone know that you are unavailable until further notice.
Hey, you want to do that thing where you throw me high in the air and catch me? Okay.
(GROANS) Well, this is nice.
I can practically smell the pineapple.
FRANK: You can, actually.
They pump it in through the vents.
Hey.
We're lucky we even made it here.
When The Terror went down, the cops raided your lair.
They took Derek in for questioning and they're watching the place like hawks.
Maybe you should've just kept running, you know? I'm not running, Frank.
And I'm not letting one of Ramses' old captains take over his operation.
It's my city.
I know, but AEGIS is in town.
Soon there's gonna be superheroes everywhere.
You won't be able to show your face in this city.
Yeah, you're right about that.
I still have access to Ramses' old accounts.
It's a hefty chunk of change.
I'm thinking I might want to invest in some super-tech.
Super-tech? Yeah.
Oh.
I know a guy who knows a guy.
- Go get him.
- Yeah.
And I am done.
Ooh.
How are you doing, Tick? Ugh, this typographic typhoon has marooned my mind.
Arthur, do I have any offshore property, or own any satellites in orbit? Uh, no.
I think it's safe to put "no" down for that.
All right.
(GROANING) God, how are we gonna fill all of these out for you? Ah, this has been a cruel quiz to pop on a man with no past.
Oh.
Hey, Tick, look, I'm sorry about making you do this.
No, I'm the sorry one, chum.
Your dream of proper governmental status is on the line.
If only I could remember one iota of my origin story, I'd be able to fill in the blanks.
Blanks like "origin story.
" Wait a second, how about we check the box for "mysterious massive memory loss.
" There's a box for that? - Yeah.
- Uh, do that! Yeah, that's actually very, very convenient.
Whoa.
Then it's Mys-Mass-Mem-Loss for me.
- Okay.
- Arthur, you really do have a sixth sense for paper.
So, how'd we do, gentlemen? - TICK: Great.
- Yeah.
I think we're pretty much done.
Okay, then if you're ready, we can begin the testing.
I'm sorry.
Testing? - Yes.
- It's just, I thought you said all we had to do was fill out our paperwork, and then we'd be well on our way.
Yes, on a journey with many stops.
Next stop, testing.
This way.
(BOTH SIGH) I had the weirdest dream.
I had dreams, once.
Of who I'd like to be, of who I'd like to kill.
No.
Like an "I'm asleep" dream.
Right.
Got it.
My mom was in it.
We were shopping for shoes.
We were going to meet Arthur and my dad.
What? It was the day my dad died.
My mom, she took me shopping for back-to-school clothes, and we took too long.
Wow, I've never dreamed about that before.
You've been through a lot lately.
It was so real.
But all twisted.
She kept saying that I was a minute late.
But the way that she said it, it was like, like I was supposed to fix it somehow.
- Fix what? - I don't know.
- Everything, I guess.
- The past is poison.
- Bury it in the glacier.
- (HELMET VIBRATES) I can't really bury it if it's coming up - in my dreams - Sorry.
Helmet call.
Hello? DANGERBOAT: I've been calling you for hours.
You shouldn't shut off your helmet ringer in the field.
It's just bad tactical practice.
- What do you want? - I'm tracking AEGIS Drones.
- Damn it.
How many? - A lot.
And Overkill, I've decoded some chatter.
Rathbone is in town.
OVERKILL: This is an unsecured location, DB.
Radio silence until we regroup.
- What's wrong with you? - Big Brother.
- What, the show? - No.
Not the damn show.
(DRONE WHIRRING) We can't talk here.
Sky might be listening.
And you don't have audio scramblers.
- Audio scramblers, what? - Shh! If you want to be less confused, come with me.
HOBBES: All right.
Oh.
Arthur, you have to drink that.
- It's barium.
- Yeah, I just wanted to ask, uh, why-why do I have to drink the barium? Here at AEGIS, we've been studying the science of the superhero for decades.
That's what these tests are going to determine, the degree to which you are super.
And you can figure that out? Yes, Arthur.
If you drink the barium.
Hmm? There we go.
You see, the barium helps the machine detect whether or not you're what we call a Category.
A Category is an individual with an ability or a power that sets them apart from the rest of humanity.
The higher the power level, the higher the number the machine assigns.
So for example, if a superhuman classed in Category One, then he may be able to run faster or heal faster or, uh, lift more than is humanly possible.
At Category Two, a person might have one or more minor superpowers.
A limited telekinesis, or slightly extrasensory perception.
You see? I recently tested a woman who could bench-press 400 pounds and also read the mind of a house cat.
Limited usefulness of that second power in the field, but, uh, did get her to Category Two, so hooray.
Okay, now, Arthur? It's very important that you don't move.
Um, is this gonna hurt? (SCOFFS) Todd? - Todd says no.
- Oh.
Thanks, Todd.
If you do test as something to write home about, the machine makes something of a light show.
I mean, the colors are pretty dazzling, so get ready.
- Yeah.
I-I'm ready.
- Good.
Here we go.
(MACHINE WHIRRING) (MACHINE DINGS) Well, that was brief.
That-that's it? It's-it's done? Only this part of the exam.
It takes a full battery of tests to determine whether or not you qualify for AEGIS registration.
Q-Qualify? Wait, you mean there's, there's a chance that I fail? I mean, we can't just register any lunatic in tights and headgear who wanders in off the street.
That would be chaos.
Right, Arthur? I'm right.
They say I'm a Category Four.
Yeah, I figured you'd be up around there.
- How about you? - Oh, you know.
Not a Four.
So, gentlemen, inside this room is a machine that will map your strength, your endurance and your clinical moxie.
Ah, well, now you're in for something, because Arthur here is full of moxie.
- Ah.
- Sure, he has some bones, a little hair on top, but inside, pure moxie.
Show 'em, chum.
Arthur, why don't you go first? - Gladly.
- Yeah.
HOBBES: Okay, Arthur, please step to the center of the room and stand in the yellow square.
The yellow square says "Danger.
" Yes.
That's the one.
(QUIETLY): Okay Man, that arm jouster is over-the-top.
Yes, the Strong Arm-6000.
It may look very simplistic, but it's actually - quite sophisticated.
- (GASPS) Hey, um, how-how am I supposed to win against this thing? No.
The-the Strong Arm-6000 is going to win.
It's gonna judge you by the effort it took to win.
So don't even think about winning.
Take all thought of winning out of your mind.
Just go ahead and lose naturally.
Okay.
Takes the pressure off, I guess.
Oh.
Hey.
Uh, it's-it's squeezing me pretty tight.
- Is it smiling? - (YELPS) Arthur! That's the fastest incapacitation we've ever had.
He's going to be good for the dataset.
You all right, Arthur? Yeah, f-finished all my homework.
Well.
All right, well done.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER) You may be a titan of tensile strength, but today, you tussle with The Tick.
Testing begins in three, two, one.
Oh, you call that elbow grease? Come on.
This is really remarkable.
Yeah, he really is.
Uh, what-what's happening here? Your friend is extraordinarily powerful.
The Strong Arm-6000 is absorbing The Tick's energy and then feeding it directly back to him.
Oh, hey, Arthur, look! I'm avenging you! Great, Tick.
That's great.
But let's try to not break the machine.
What? Oh.
Uh Uh Remarkable.
I think I broke your machine.
Sorry.
Uh Let's see (CLATTERING) There we go.
I fixed it! DANGERBOAT: Overkill, there you are.
I was getting worried.
Dangerboat, you got your scramblers up yet? - Scramblers up, cloaking on full.
- OK.
- DOT: Now can we talk? - Yeah.
- Now we can talk.
- Great.
What's going on? Look, I'm a wanted man, and Dangerboat's a wanted boat.
When AEGIS rolls into town, that's when we roll out.
So unless you were meaning to take a trip to Cuba, you'd better get out of here.
Why didn't you tell me that before I came all the way here? Ubers don't have scramblers.
So you're just running away? I'm not running away.
I'm retreating, strategically.
You don't understand, okay? No, of course I don't understand because you never tell me anything.
After the crash, Agent Ty Rathbone retrained me as an AEGIS heavy action operative.
He became like a father to me, made me the leader of an elite team: Perseus Squadron.
We took on missions that most people would consider to be impossible.
DANGERBOAT: And then one mission was.
Our target was located just off the coast of Miami, South Beach.
Hurricane Ivan was bearing down like the pinwheel of some avenging god.
We were sent in to neutralize a black market, super-tech kingpin they called "The Duke.
" The Duke knew we were coming.
I lost my entire team.
I managed to kill my way to The Duke and I cut that bastard's head off myself.
Then the hurricane hit.
I don't know what happened next, but I woke up a few hours later being pushed to shore by a pod of dolphins.
That's horrible.
I mean, not the dolphins.
The dolphins are cool, but the rest is horrible.
After the Flag Five, I swore I'd never let my family die again, but I let my family die again.
So Rathbone blames you? That's what I heard.
Wait, I'm sorry, you never actually talked to him? What's the point? AEGIS thinks I'm the traitor.
And I would, too, if I were them.
Why is everything so black and white with you? My eyes are cybernetic.
I can't change the settings.
Dangerboat, prime your power cells.
DANGERBOAT: Um, please? Please.
I don't want to stop until we're in another time zone.
DANGERBOAT: Priming power cells now.
Good-bye forever, Dot.
You know what? That's great.
That's actually really good for me because this whole thing is completely ridiculous.
It's totally stupid! You were framed.
You never even went rogue.
- That's in the past.
- You can't run from your past.
I can totally run from my past.
Talk to Rathbone.
Convince him you're not the traitor.
You have to at least try.
If you are too afraid to do even that Adios, I guess.
DANGERBOAT: Should I set a course for Havana? No.
Okay, but I'm still going to put on a little salsa because that got intense.
(SALSA MUSIC PLAYS) Ah, there you are.
Thought I'd lost you in all the fuss back there.
- Hey, Tick.
- Uh-oh.
This is a memory lane land mine.
ARTHUR: The last thing I ever told my dad, I said to him that I was gonna join the Flag Five someday.
For a moment there, with all this talk about a new Flag Five forming, I I actually let myself believe maybe it was gonna happen for me.
Then let's make it happen.
A-Are you kidding, Tick? They're not even gonna let me register.
I-I-I got a zero on the Category Machine, a zero.
I-I am a zero.
You saw what happened in that physical exam.
I Their tests don't mean anything.
I've seen you pass the real test, the one that counts.
Yeah, well, their test counts, too.
Okay, Agent Commander Rathbone would like to have a word with you.
Good, well, I have a few words to trade with him.
.
Not you, Tick.
Arthur.
Eh? - Seriously? - Yes.
(SIGHS) This is our big high-tech connection? - What is he, 15? - Miss Lint, this is Edgelord.
Edgelord? - It's because I push the limits.
- People say he's going places.
- Extreme places.
- What people? Do you want to stand here and quiz my extremities? Or do you want to talk about the kind of high-technology that can have your rivals writhing under your new kick-ass electro-convection battle boots? (TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING) I want to talk about the boots.
- Show her the other stuff.
- The boots are just a start.
With your unique electrical output, we can put together something that can really enhance your look and your power level.
And you can get all of this? - (MUSIC STOPS) - I'm Edgelord.
- I walk between the raindrops.
- (TECHNO MUSIC RESUMES) ASSISTANT: Please follow me, sir.
This way.
Just keep following me, sir.
Arthur Everest, aka "Arthur.
" Have a seat.
Test results.
Category Machine gave you a zilch, zero.
No powers detected.
Most people move the needle even a little bit, but you, not at all.
Okay, sir, uh, I know that I'm not technically super, b-but I believe that I possess certain qualities Son, why the hell are you applying to my agency for a superhero license? Look, Agent Commander Rathbone, I-I know that I don't look like your typical hero, but-but I'm here because this is my des Because this is what I'm supposed to do.
It is, you know, a-and The Tick and I are already out there defending the city.
I mean, I-I'm already doing the job.
Let's talk about The Tick.
Yeah, I mean, you know, you saw him.
He's amazing.
He's the whole We don't even know what the hell he is.
No I.
D.
, no birth records, no past.
He could be from outer space.
He could be something that the Russians are cooking up.
Hell, for all we know, he could be a big blue genie.
But I can see that he's formed a bond with you.
You're his damn Jiminy Cricket.
So let's say that we grant you your superhero license.
There is just one thing that you need to do for me.
I need you to keep tabs on your friend.
You tell us if anything new develops, if he remembers anything, if you uncover anything.
I'm-I'm sorry.
You want me to spy on The Tick? Spying's a whole different department, son.
I'm just talking tabs, keeping tabs.
Yeah, uh Respectfully, I don't know if I feel comfortable doing that.
I build teams, son.
I built the Flag Five.
You and The Tick, it's a classic brain and brawn situation.
I am just asking for the brains to keep an eye on the brawn, for both your sakes and the sake of a grateful nation.
Now does that sound like such a bad thing? I guess not, when you put it like that.
Then congratulations, Arthur Everest.
You are officially approved.
Oh, my God.
Thank you.
Thank you, thank you very much.
E.
MORGAN PEARL: We humans aren't perfect.
We never claimed to be, but we know who we are, and we know where we're from.
We're humans, gosh darn it, from the good old US-of-A.
But Superian, on the other hand, he isn't human at all.
As they say, he's not from around these parts.
He's not from around these parts.
Maybe Superian ought to remember that the next time he tries to tell us locals what to do.
(SHOUTS)