The Tick (2016) s02e03 Episode Script

Hot Beige!

1 I am Agent Commander Tyrannosaurus Rathbone, and I'm up here tonight to talk about AEGIS and you.
The AEGIS branch in your fair metropolis had to shut down a few years back due to funding cuts.
And in our absence, we have failed you.
AEGIS and the superhero community left you high and dry in the clutches of The Terror for over a decade.
And for that, we are deeply, deeply damn sorry.
But if Lobstercules is any indication, this town's trials are far from over.
New villains will plunder, new heroes will rise, and that age-old tangle will start again, right here, in earnest.
That is why we have been authorized to reopen The City's AEGIS office.
That is why I will be reinstating the Flag Five.
Didn't think I'd see his face again.
RATHBONE: I want your town to have a superhero team - you can be proud of.
- DANGERBOAT: He's got great bone structure.
Shut up.
RATHBONE: And as for AEGIS, we will be here, on the ground, taking decisive action to secure The City.
From this day forward, you are safe.
You are protected.
You are under our AEGIS.
I wonder if somewhere in this tangle of a metropolis, a certain corrupt crustacean is shaking in his shell, knowing The Tick and Arthur are closing in.
Arthur? Aw, my little soldier's all tuckered out.
(MUMBLING): No, no, I don't want the lobster, I want the penne.
Good night, sweet soldier.
Hello! Hello! SUPERIAN: Arthur, good.
You're up.
Superian where am I? We are in the Guatemalan jungle.
I wanted us to have a chance to talk one on one.
In, in Guatemala? You brought me all the way - to Guatemala.
- Anyway, I was out in space, and I was trying to get a grip on all of it.
And then it occurred to me; "Wonder what Arthur has to say about this situation.
" - Me? - That's crazy, right? - Huh.
- But I got to say, I really respected what you had to say the last time we talked.
- Really? - Yeah.
Well, I was out of my mind with bismuth poisoning at the time, but it still hit home.
It was very candid.
It was a tough talk.
You reminded me that we all fall short of perfect sometimes.
Even Superian.
- Mm-hmm.
- And it's that kind of low-to-ground, salt-of-the-earth reasoning that we are gonna need to deal with this world crisis.
Uh I'm-I'm sorry, there's a world crisis? That's a thumbs down, Arthur.
And that's not the only thing.
There are Tumblrs and tweets and "hushtaghs," and people saying very not positive things about me.
(NOTIFICATION CHIMES) Um well, uh, I think maybe, you know, just don't pay attention to these people.
Why don't they understand how much I care about them? Seriously, I've been here for a century, doing my darndest to safeguard humanity and the world.
I love it here.
You know? I'm really grateful that I met you all, and I-I really want to help you not go extinct.
(SIGHS) How can I get you all to understand that again? I-I-I think we do understand, if I can speak for everyone.
- You know, maybe they need a little - (NOTIFICATION CHIMES) - reminding right now.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- How? Uh I don't know.
Maybe some sort of gesture? You know? Like, some way to let them know how you really feel.
I think I'm reading your mail.
A grand gesture.
A gift of some sorts, maybe.
Sure, yeah.
Oh, Arthur, that's excellent.
Arthur, great talking to you.
- Oh, uh, Superian.
- Yeah? - Uh, can I go back home now? - Oh, right, yes.
- I'm your ride, yes.
- Yeah, yeah.
Let me just I got to grab my - Oh, yeah, get your blanket.
- Yeah.
("I WANT MORE" BY BANGS PLAYING) Force-fed an image, girl next door Watch all her movies and I want more Turning all their tricks It's rotten to the core Tastes so sugary, but I want more Do you need it? We don't know Just force-feed it and watch it grow Grab my hand, start to look around 'Cause we just gotta burn it All to the ground right now! ANNOUNCER (ON TV): Try new Brown Tingle Zip.
Same great taste, zero additives.
Brown Tingle Zip! - Tick? - Completely Terror free.
- Or enjoy Brown Tingle "Old School.
" - Tick? Arthur! There you are! (CLATTERING) When I woke up, you were gone.
I was beside myself.
And the pair of us were frantic.
Please don't disappear like that again.
Yeah, well, it was less a disappearance, you know, more of an abduction.
An abduction? By what fiend? Uh, Superian, actually.
Pleasant surprise.
Decided to take me out for breakfast.
What-what happened here, exactly? Uh, no idea.
But I can assure you, I should not be left alone to steer this apartment.
Okay, well, let's maybe steer it into some cleanup.
No time.
Lobstercules has clawed his way into another bank, continuing his spree of evil.
It's a "spreevil!" Great, um, let's get on that.
I just need to take a-a-a shower first, maybe, or at least brush my teeth, or - Our nemesis awaits.
- Fine.
I will suit up.
MORGAN PEARL (ON TV): Yes, Lobstercules and his lobster men have struck again.
As AEGIS commander and legendary patriot Ty Rathbone said last night, "These weirdos are just the beginning!" I am telling you, City, get ready for the freak parade, 'cause it's a-comin'.
Today's the first day of the rest of your life.
But now it's cooler.
I want to see what it can do.
First we get you acquainted with the heads-up software.
- Will it be ready for tonight? - Yes.
If you get acquainted with the heads-up software.
What's tonight? We're gonna run the equipment through a tactical scenario.
What scenario? I s-still don't know what you want to do with this.
Frank, I've got super-villain seafood robbing my banks, and every two-bit gangster in this town thinking they're gonna be the next king of the hill.
And I can't do anything without the feds dropping on me like a ton of bricks.
Meanwhile, everyone keeps talking about this new wave of superheroes.
Well I'll give them a wave.
I'll give them a damn tsunami.
AEGIS lounge certainly has an impressive array of refreshments.
Yeah and full access to the police reports from this morning's robbery.
- Croissant? - Oh, yeah.
So, Lobstercules seems to be sticking with the same plan.
You know, he comes up from the sewers, he rips the vault door off its hinges and then sends his henchmen away with all the money.
Then it's back into the sewers to hunt for this selfish shellfish.
No, we tried that already.
No, I mean, without real clues, we're just gonna get lost down there again.
FLEXON: Heads up! Do you mind? TICK: Chum.
Rubber band hand at 12 o'clock.
Tick, don't you know who that is? - No idea! - That-that's Flexon.
The Flexometric Man? He used to fight crime alongside the Flag Five here in The City Wait, what, what are you doing? TICK: Hail, fellow crusader.
Here to rejoin the never-ending battle? No, man, I'm-I'm retired.
I've already saved the world, twice.
Thanks, and thanks.
You're welcome, and I'm done.
I'm just wearing the old tights to get lounge access.
Mmm, I miss these croissants.
It's the nano-butter that gets you.
You're Tick and you're Arthur, right? Yeah, wow, you-you've actually heard of us? Yeah.
Saw you go against the V-L-M on the news.
- That took grit.
- Wow, that means, that means so much coming from you.
We're on the Lobstercules case now.
- How's that going? - Uh, well, you know, our-our trail's gotten a little cold.
Well, you want some advice? - Sure.
- Please.
I've tracked criminals all across the country, and it doesn't matter what city you're sleuthing in.
First step, it's always; go to the docks.
Go to the docks? The docks.
There is literally always some guy at the docks that knows something.
You find that guy, and you squeeze him a little.
Okay, but-but how-how do we know which person to squeeze? Well, he'll have a, uh, look on his mug, you know? And then, when he sees your look, all of a sudden, he'll have a different look.
Then he'll start running.
You get that guy, he'll know something.
Thanks, Flex.
We'll try that.
(CHUCKLES) - Well, this is a little fun.
- Right? (SHIP HORN BLOWS) Flexon told us to be on the lookout for a look.
- Is that the look? - ARTHUR: Uh, no, I think that's a regular guy trying to figure out why we're staring at him.
Tick, I'm not so sure about this one.
Feels a little vague to me.
Just keep on the lookout, chum.
- (BEEPING) - Hello? DANGERBOAT: Arthur, it's DB.
Just checking in.
What do you think about the end of the week, to watch a movie? Yeah, we're actually on a case right now, Dangerboat, - so now's not really the time.
- Okay, well, Saturday works for me.
Dangerboat, please! I can't talk about movies right now.
Okay? I'm sorry.
DANGERBOAT: He runs hot.
Arthur, look.
There's a flock of likely lookers.
Follow my lead.
Excuse me, gentlemen, uh, we just need to examine each of your looks in succession.
This will only take a moment.
Just, uh, superheroes, following up on a crime spree, so nothing to worry about.
Got a real thing going on.
Tick, the "look".
I'm on it, chum.
(STRAINING): I didn't do nothing! (GRUNTING) Um, Arthur, uh, I'm at a bit of a loss.
- What do we do now? - Uh, you know.
- Squeeze him, like Flexon said.
- How about if I tell him a scary tale, with a twist at the end? I think more, like, asking questions, probably.
I know my constitutional rights! - That's not our question! - (WHIMPERS) Tell me all you know about the bank-robbing behemoth they call Lobstercules.
Come on, man, I don't know crustaceans, I'm just a bookie.
What about his crew, huh? Four lobstermen from Maine.
Just rolled into town, made off with a bunch of cash.
Okay, okay, there's some guy that came around Romeo's the other night.
I think his name was Donny.
He was, uh, throwing around a lot of money, and shooting his mouth off, he had a, uh, a New England a-an accent.
Uh, this, uh, Romeo's What is it, like, a night club something? No, it's an underground gambling den.
It's run by Romeo and his gang.
They have one every night.
But it takes at least a thousand dollars to sit at the table.
I'm sorry, a thousand dollar Like, American? That's a lot of paper, chum.
Are we done? Uh Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, I guess so.
- All right.
Squeeze you later.
- (GRUNTS) Thank you.
TICK: Shepherd's pie you say.
Tell me more.
What? Meat, potatoes and vegetables, all in one flaky, edible dish? Get out.
Since when are Tick and Mom such buds? Uh, I don't know, but they talk every day now.
Which actually helps me with my mother-son phone time requirement.
- Hmm.
- TICK: And the shepherd.
- What is his role in all this? - JOAN: Well Maybe I need a big blue roommate.
- JOAN: Oh, no, honey.
- Ah, there is no shepherd.
What happened to your hands? Oh, I started doing Krav Maga again.
- I couldn't find my gloves.
- (TICK LAUGHS) Joan, you're a pip.
All right.
Thursday night for dinner it is.
- JOAN: Great.
- I'll tell the kids.
All right, bye-bye.
Good news.
Joan forgives us for our family dinner faux pas.
- Oh.
- That is great.
Why does everything I own look like the wall of a DMV? I think it's more gas station bathroom.
I prefer the hot beige.
This? So is this whole gambling den thing gonna be dangerous? Uh, well, I have to pass myself off as an experienced high roller, so I'd say it's more like, uh, - embarrassing? - TICK: Ooh, powder blue.
Sophisticated yet infantile.
So, Tick, you're gonna wait outside while you go in, play cards and try to track down your bank robber? Yes.
Have you guys done reconnaissance? Worked out exit strategies? - I will be our exit strategy.
- Okay.
Uh, what about communication systems? You have that? Yes, Dot, we have a plan, okay? I worked on it all afternoon.
I'm just trying to help.
(SARCASTIC): Okay, well, thank you.
Sounds like somebody would like a mission of their own.
- What did you just say? - A mission.
- (BED SQUEAKS) - An important goal or purpose in the service of a cause possibly accompanied by a calling.
That's it! Perfect! The perfect disguise.
Arthur, you're a walking non-description.
Really? This is just huh, looks a little accountant to me.
You know, we should probably go over the plan again.
TICK: All right.
ASSISTANT: One last signature, sir.
(SIGHS) Sometimes, I wish my name wasn't so damn long.
OVERKILL (OVER PHONE): Hello, Commander.
- Yeah.
- It's Overkill.
You should get more rest.
You look tired.
I am touched by your concern.
And I like your new haircut.
You're watching me.
I get it.
Did you come here to put a bullet into your old superior officer? The hell's on your chest? You get an upgrade? I wouldn't exactly call it that.
I didn't go rogue.
I didn't sell out my squadron.
That's not what happened.
My forensic boys told me everyone on your team died except you.
And then you ran.
Guilty people run.
I didn't do it.
I'd like to believe you, son.
I wish you did, Commander.
But you gave up on me, just like everyone else.
There have been whispers.
- About what? - About the Duke.
Whispers about how he didn't die.
How he just went into hiding.
That's impossible.
I decapitated him myself.
But did you kill him? That guy dealt in mad science.
Could be a head in a jar somewhere, still calling the shots.
Why are you telling me this? If you betrayed AEGIS and your team, then you're working for the Duke already.
But if you are innocent, then maybe you can figure this out.
Get us both out of this mess.
Good-bye, shooter.
And Godspeed.
(PHONE BEEPS) (PANTING) Tick calling Arthur.
Do you copy? Over.
Yes, I can read you, Tick, okay? We already checked.
The earbuds are working.
Yes! We're ear-buddies now.
Bonded at the tympanum.
Do you have your monies ready? Yeah.
I got a thousand dollars, right here.
TICK: Risking your full nut! That's the hero's way, fella.
Okay, so I'm gonna wait until I definitely have an I.
on Donny.
I'll give you the signal, you come in, we both grab him.
Okay? Copy that, Arthur.
Until then, radio silence.
Unless we absolutely have to talk.
Copy that.
Radio silence unless we absolutely have to talk.
Let's see your dead presidents.
Yeah, sure, sure thing.
Although, you know, technically, Benjamin Franklin was never president.
Am I right? What am I talking about? We're not here to talk U.
We're here to play cards.
(CHUCKLES) Ice cold cool, fella.
What's happening, Arthur? Paint me a vulgar picture.
Talk me a turgid tableau.
Is there a buffet? Over.
Tick, I can't talk right now.
Remember, Tick? Radio silence.
TICK: But you're our eyes and ears, Arthur.
Yeah, well, we just don't want our eyes and ears getting caught spying in here, all right? What's that? Uh I was just, uh, remarking to myself how much I love it in here.
You got good taste.
I'm very proud of my establishment.
Oh, well, I'm, uh, proud of you.
- MAN: Hey, Romeo.
- ROMEO: Yeah? MAN: Come here.
I want you to meet some Was that Donny? Should I come in? Over.
No, no, no, no.
You stay put and wait for my signal, - okay? Over.
- "Stay put.
" Right.
Well, it's pretty boring out here, but I can try.
Please, thank you.
Over and out.
- Flexon? - Oh.
(CHUCKLES) Hey, brother.
Hey, uh, easy with the name calling.
I'm in my, uh, civvies.
Right, sorry, uh w-what are you doing here? Me? Oh, I got a bit of a gambling problem.
The problem is I'm too good at gambling.
So you're-you're on the case? You kind of have that - pasty undercover look.
- Oh, God, is it that obvious? Really? - Nah.
You're good.
You're good.
- Okay.
'Cause, you know, I'm not really a gambler, per se.
Oh, hey, are you kidding me? You're a superhero.
Biggest gamble of all.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
You didn't see me.
DONNY: Ah, full boat.
Kings high.
Pisser! (LAUGHS) (QUIETLY): Hello, Donny.
Staying put.
Staying put.
ARTHUR: Well, well, well.
I hope you're all big fans of losing because I am not.
(GRUNTS) Staying put.
(SIGHS) (BICYCLE BELL DINGS) MISS LINT (OVER COMM): Edgelord, are you in position? Over.
I'm hot-spotting now.
Okay, I'm linked.
What's your status? In position and ready to strike.
DONNY: What's your name, sport? DEALER: Changing one thousand.
They call me The Accountant.
DONNY: The Accountant? We ever met before? Us? I don't know.
You ever been, uh, up the Northeast? Around New England? Maine, Boothbay Harbor.
Born and raised.
Why? - You from up north? - No, no.
I'm f-from here.
I recognized the accent.
(CHUCKLES) EDGELORD: Energy levels look good so far.
What was that? MISS LINT: Having trouble reading the heads-up display.
EDGELORD: You sure you want to do this tonight? You should probably at least have skimmed the manual.
Hey, Hot Topic.
You're my manual.
And we're doing this now.
This put staying is a mental agony.
EDGELORD: The neuro-sectors aren't properly signaling the electronic twitch sensors.
You'll overheat.
- Just give me a second.
- MISS LINT: Okay, well, hurry up.
- Ah.
- EDGELORD: All right, I'll reset A wayward urchin of the street.
- EDGELORD: Okay, I've got it.
- Uh, pardon me, lost youth, but this place is the proverbial crime alley.
No place to be doing your personal computing.
Stand back.
You are interfering with an ongoing superhero operation.
Wait a minute.
How did you know about our operation? Not your operation.
Our operation.
Whose operation? DONNY: And so, my brother Dougie, he has a bait cooler full of Roman candles.
(LAUGHS): Meanwhile, my other brother Danny, he's so drunk, he fires his flare gun right into it.
- (LAUGHS) - I swear to God.
The harbormaster thought he was in a war zone! (LAUGHTER) I'm in for another hundred.
So, uh, you said you and your brother got a fishing boat? No, it's my boat.
They were crewing it for me, till it went down.
Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
I see your bet and I raise it.
You trying to bluff me, sport? I don't know.
I guess you're gonna have to pay $200 to find out, sport.
Nah, hell.
- Take it.
- Mm-hmm.
And The Accountant continues his roll.
With a little extra sugar for the old SEP-IRA.
EDGELORD: Of course they are.
And you haven't been watching your coils.
All your capacitors are in the red.
Are you not reading that? (SHOUTING) (QUIETLY): Tick, we are under attack.
Hold on, Arthur, I'm coming! DONNY: Screw this noise.
MAN: You can't take that! ARTHUR: Donny! Donny, drop the box, - you stupid ape! - Get off me! What do you want? I want you, Romeo.
I don't like when people commit crime in my city.
- Wait a minute.
It's you.
- That's right.
And it will always be me.
(DONNY GRUNTING) Ah! (SHOUTS) (GUN CLICKS) Leave that volting valkyrie alone.
(SCREAMS) Well done, sparky.
(PANTING) Tick, I lost Donny, but I got his shoe.
A shoe clue.
Nice work, chum.
Hey, looks as though The City's got itself a new defender.
Tick, I don't think she's here defending anything.
Says who? Hey! (BICYCLE BELL DINGING) Hey, stop.
- What do you think you're doing? - Fighting crime.
Isn't that what superheroes are supposed to do? That it is.
Tick, look.
It's Miss Lint.
Miss Lint? Egad, you're right! Angry lightning lady.
You're both wrong.
You listen to me.
You can't hide behind that mask forever, because we both know who you really are.
You forgot about a little something called the 28th Amendment.
As long as I have this on, I'm whoever I say I am.
And I say I'm a hero.
So back off, Wilbur.
So be it.
But if you truly are a masked avenger, what is your hero's name? You can call me Joan of Arc.
Going ah, shit.
I got to admit, I like her style.
(CHITTERING) There you go.
(SHUSHING) Uh, yeah.
(SIGHS) Damn you, black hole heart.