The Two Ronnies (1971) s05e05 Episode Script
Series 5, Episode 5
(Applause) Hello, and it's good to be with you, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, and in a packed programme tonight, we ask the burning question about pilfering coal miners - do they have lots of slack in their trousers? And we'll have a feature on weeny-boppers, and how you shouldn't make fun of people who've got them.
But first, here is the news.
There was an embarrassing incident at Madame Tussauds last week when Mr Callaghan unveiled a wax model of himself and his chauffeur drove it back to Downing Street by mistake.
Luckily, it had only held three Cabinet meetings before it was discovered.
And we've just heard that at a Golders Green maternity hospital today, the wife of a well-known ventriloquist gave birth to a 9lb gouncing gagy goy.
A new dance is sweeping the country.
It's called the Pony Trot.
0nce round the floor, then outside for your oats.
Sport.
Sorry.
Sport.
Reports that athletes indulge in too much sex before meetings were hotly denied today by sprinter Wellesley Blunt.
He went on to win the 100m in a time of two hours, 37 minutes.
Now for the notices.
There'll be a conference and sermon in the Free Church Hall tomorrow for those who thirst after righteousness.
And for those who thirst before righteousness, the Cat and Fiddle opens early.
In a sketch that follows about teddy boys and topless girls at a dance, I knock around with a pair of rockers.
And I rock around with a pair of Notts County footballers.
(Train clattering rhythmically) Morning.
- Morning.
- Morning.
- Lovely day, isn't it? - (In time with train) Beautiful day.
- Beautiful day.
- Beautiful day.
- Chilly but crisp.
- Frosty but nice.
- Bracing and bright.
- Nip in the air.
- Good for the blood.
- Gives you a glow.
- Spring in your step.
- Makes you feel good.
- Top of the world.
- Walking on air.
- Feel full of beans.
- I quite agree.
- Been for your hols? - At the weekend.
- Anywhere nice? - Cornwall for us.
Same every year.
- Booked it all up.
Bought two to Looe.
- Bought two to Looe? - Monte for me.
- Going abroad? Fiddle-de-dee.
- Fiddle-de-dee? - Fiddle-de-dee.
- Seen this bit here? - What does it say? Says that a man, age 42, took a young girl back to his flat, gave her some drinks, then she passed out, when she woke up, she was in bed, in the Near East, and nothing else, know what I mean, man of the world, need I say more, word to the wise.
(Laughs) 0h, you're a one.
Rubbish like that makes me feel sick.
Who wants to read that sort of filth? Vicars and Scouts, orgies and drugs, bosoms and boots, brazen young bits, flaunting their flesh, showing their thighs, all that they've got, world's in a mess, going to pot, sign of the times, God, I feel hot, think I'll strip off.
- Have you gone mad? - I think he's snapped, gone round the twist.
- Give us a kiss.
- Get back, you fool! - I want a kiss.
- Leave her alone.
Keep out of this.
I knew you cared.
I had a hunch.
- Come to my arms! - Mind my packed lunch.
- No, no, not here.
- Now is the time.
I want you now.
- George, is this wise? - I love your lips.
I love your eyes.
- I love your nose.
- Take me by force! - I love your - (Toots) Here's Charing Cross! 0h.
0h.
I'm sorry.
(Sighs) 0h.
I say, I, er I'm most awfully sorry.
I don't know what came over me.
0h, that's quite all right.
Say no more about it.
Just one of those things.
George.
Thank you so much.
Wouldn't mind, but it's the same thing every day.
0ne thing about these white people, they've got a great sense of rhythm.
(All talking indistinctly) You're gin and tonic, you're stout half wine Yes, right.
Right, you all go out on the terrace.
I'll get the waiter to bring the drinks out, shall I? That's fine.
0ff we go.
- Good evening.
What would you like? - To start with, I'll have a large gin and tonic.
- Sir.
- Very large.
- Ice and lemon, sir? - If there's room in the glass, yes.
- And what else, sir? - Er, well, as a matter of fact, I've just met these people.
I don't know them at all, they're all friends of my wife.
So, now, let's see.
The lady in the sack dress wants an enormous brandy, er, the young man with the flat head wants a rum and Coke, er, Andy, he's the tall chap, he's Scottish, he wants a pink gin with lemon, er, the girl with the boobs wants a white lady, er, my wife will have a Scotch on the rocks, er, the woman with the bare arms behind her, she will have half a bottle of the house wine, and the old man with the rather shifty eyes, he'll have a rough cider.
- But first, I'll have another gin and tonic.
- Yes, sir.
0h! Beautiful.
So, right, that's an enormous brandy, a rum and Coke, a pink gin, a white Scotch, a wine, a cider and a lemon on the rocks.
- Pardon, sir? - (Groans) 0h.
Look, the lady in the sack dress, a brandy.
Er, the flat head, a rum and Coke, the Scotsman behind, a white gin.
Er, the lady with the pink boobs, a cider, and And the gent Er, just a minute.
Just a minute.
- Er - (All talking indistinctly) Yes, right.
- Yes, I thought that was it, yes.
Is that mine? - Yes, sir.
Thank you very much.
- 0hh.
Same again, please.
- Certainly, sir.
Now, I've got it this time.
It's one brandy, one rum and lemon, er, a pink thing, a white lady with double boobs, erm er, rough rocks, wine on the house and a big bottle.
- Pardon, sir? - Don't worry, it's all under control.
Look, the lady in the sack wants a tall Scotch, the bare lady with the behind wants a rum and Coke, er, my wife will have an old man on the rocks, erm, the girl with the shifty boobs wants a big bottle of brandy on the house, the young man with the flat wife wants an enormous wine, the white lady with the pink Er, just a minute.
Just a minute.
Now, wait.
Have you ordered a pink wine? (All talk indistinctly) Yes, I thought that was it, yes.
Is that mine? - Yes, sir.
- 0h, thank you.
Same again, will you? Now, are you listening? It's simple.
Simple.
I'll have a gin and tonic.
- I've got one ready for you, sir.
- 0h, thank you.
- Either one of these, is it? - Yes, sir.
0h, thank you.
Thank you.
- Er Why don't you have a beer? - No, thank you, sir.
Right.
Now, I do exactly what I'm knowing.
All right? Here goes.
The randy girl with the big bottle wants a rough Scotsman Rough Scotsman the tall lemon wants a double shifty on the rocks, er, the bare woman with the boobs like the side of a house wants a pink old man, the the enormous chap with the flat gin wants my wife with a beer behind.
And the white lady wants a sack of coke.
It's simple enough.
- What are you having? - Sir, I'm No, no, really, now wait a minute.
No, look, this is it, right? Forget all previous orders, just get me a sack of coke, two large rocks, two pink boobs, an enormous lemon and a large bare lady of the house.
- I'm glad we've finally got that sorted out.
- Yes, so am I, yes.
- 0ne sack of coke.
- 0ne sack of coke.
- Two large rocks.
- Two large rocks.
- 0ne pair of pink boobs.
- 0ne pair of pink boobs.
- An enormous lemon.
- Enormous lemon.
- And, erm, a large bare lady on the house.
- Ah.
You carry that.
Now, I'll take the lemons, you take the rocks.
Come on.
Now, who ordered the pink boobs? Victorian London was now in a state of terror.
The series of outrageous and sudden attacks by the Phantom Raspberry Blower continued.
No one was safe alone at night.
Even married couples had taken to going around in pairs, chief victims being members of the aristocracy and their staff.
- (Raspberry) - 0hh! 0h, help! I've never been so 0h! Did you see the man? Inspector Corner of the Yard, however, at last had a lead.
He now knows that the Phantom would only be satisfied when he had attacked the Queen, and so was born his master plan.
The Home Secretary, Sir Doddington Diddle, outlines his scheme to a group of special constables at Hendon.
(Marching music) Queen Victorias, mark time! Queen Victorias, halt! Queen Victorias, left turn! Queen Victorias, from the right, number! (All call out numbers from one to six) Queen Victorias reporting for duty, Home Secretary.
Queen Victorias, stand at ease.
(Imitating echo) Men-men, you are no doubt wondering-ondering why you have been asked to dress like this.
Simply this-this.
We have inside information-tion that an attempt is to be made upon Her Majesty's person by the Phantom Raspberry Blower of old London et cetera-et cetera.
Therefore, we have found it necessary to take certain steps-eps to defeat his purposes-urposes.
Now, your duty is clear.
You have all been chosen-osen for your general facial resemblance to Her Majesty, Queen Victoria-oria.
You will all be given specific duties to perform.
0ne of you will take up residence in Buckingham Pal-iace, another will drive in an open landau through Hyde Park-ark, and a third will give a soirée at St James's Pal-iace, and so on.
In this way, we hope to decoy the miscreant into being overconfident.
Where will Her Majesty really be, sir? She will be playing the lead in Charley's Aunt at the Hippodrome-ome.
Any further questions? No? Good.
And very good luck to you all.
Ravishing.
Ravishing-avishing! Queen Victorias, 'shun! Queen Victorias, right turn.
Queen Victorias, by the left, quick march.
Thus the platoon of six Queen Victorias, first class, set about their vital task of decoying the Raspberry Blower into a lethal trap.
But each of the six suffered a different fate at the hands of the Phantom.
The first one, Constable Cyril Custard, was posted to Windsor.
He disappeared after being at the receiving end of a nasty one from under the table.
(Raspberry) The second one was receiving debutantes at Buckingham Palace, but the Phantom disguised himself as a deb and struck again, and the poor constable was discovered when his skirt was blown off by the force of the blast.
(Raspberry) A third attack poisoned the coffee on the Royal Train, and the policeman never recovered.
(Raspberry) The fourth Queen Victoria got stuck in a traffic jam at Ludgate Circus and was never seen again.
And the fifth and sixth ones fell in love and lived happily ever after.
(# Pastoral music) But worse was to come.
On the night of February 3rd, 1899, the Phantom's card was found underneath the Queen's bed by her faithful retainer, John Brown.
0h, my goodness me! The nation was shocked.
An emergency was called at Number 10 Downing Street.
All the heads of the Commonwealth were present.
The Prime Minister addressed them.
My lords, prime ministers, sultans, potentates, sheikhs, maharajas, and Miss Maureen Worthy.
Gentlemen.
And Maureen.
We must take steps to isolate this threat to our dear Queen.
Everything else takes second place.
- Hear, hear.
- 'Ear, 'ear.
- Hear, hear.
- (Deep, echoing) Hear, hear.
Now, hands up all those in agreement.
Good.
Now, here is my master plan to put paid to the Bloomsbury Phantom Rasser of 0ld (Raspberry) Good night, sir.
Stop, stop! It's the Phantom! (No sound) He's rendered my whistle lifeless, sir.
Here, use mine.
- 0oh, that's a nice one, sir.
- (Whistle) Here, I want a word with you.
Is nothing sacred? Can nothing be done? Authority is once again powerless to stop him.
Who is there who will now dare to pit his wits against the Phantom Raspberry Blower of old London Town? (Raspberry) Now, here is the late news.
A man who broke into the Royal Palace at Monaco and tried to escape wearing shoes belonging to Prince Rainier's son, and a dress belonging to his wife, has been charged with putting on airs and graces.
In news from the courts, 30 drunken trippers who nipped off their coach for a certain reason on Hammersmith Bridge just as the Cambridge crew were passing underneath have been each fined L10 for having one over the eight.
And a young woman from Wealdstone made an extremely serious complaint against a famous cosmetic surgeon.
She said he gave her a perfect bust but made it far too big.
Having weighed the evidence, the police have put it in the hands of the public prosecutor.
And a National Health patient complained today of how he was rushed around the country for a series of emergency operations.
He had a hand operation at Neasden and a knee operation at Handsworth, and he had a heart transplant at Liverpool and a liver transplant at Hartlepool.
Then he had a hair transplant at Littlehampton and on arriving at Harefield, he fainted.
# Answer me, oh, my love # Just what sin have I been guilty of? # Tell me how I came to lose your love # Please answer me, sweetheart # You were mine yesterday # I believed the love was here to stay # Won't you tell me where I've gone astray # Please answer me, my love # If you're happier without me, I will try not to care # Try not to care # But if you still think about me, please listen to my prayer # You must know, ooh, I've been true # Won't you say that we can start anew # In my sorrow now I turn to you # Please answer me, my love # Answer me, my love # If you're happier without me, I'll try not to care # Try not to care # But if you still think about me, please listen to my prayer # To my prayer # You must know, ooh, I've been true # Won't you say that we can start anew # In my sorrow now I turn to you # Please answer me, my love # 0h, answer me # Answer me # Answer me, my love # Love, love # Ah, ah, ah # Answer, my love # Ah, ah, ah # Answer, my love # Ah, ah, ah # Answer, my love # Ah, ah, ah # Answer my love # Ah, ah, ah # Answer, my love - # Ah, ah, ah - (Applause) # Answer, my love # Good evening.
Here is the news for Friday, June 4th, 2001.
King Foot of Europe is to abdicate.
"With a name like Foot, it's hard to put on a brave face," he said.
"It's been dragged through the mud many times, especially in wet weather.
"But now I wish to take it easy, relax and put it up for a while.
" Mrs Elizabeth Windsor, formerly the Queen, has applied to have her council flat redecorated.
The last time it was decorated was in 1971, when it received the 0BE.
Asked who did the decorating, she replied, "My husband and I.
" And now, the main news story this evening.
Reports are just coming in of the discovery of a large container in a park at Ealing, which appears to have been dropped from an unknown aircraft.
It is emitting a strange, sweet-smelling gas which is rapidly being dispersed over a wide area.
Roger Kinsey reports.
- (Hissing) - Good evening.
I have been advised to wear this gas mask, but quite frankly, it seems to me to be a complete waste of time, because these two ladies over here seem to be suffering from no ill effects whatsoever.
The canister was discovered earlier this morning and is marked on the side in large letters, "Formation Gas.
" What this means, we are not sure, but scientists are now waiting for the appearance of a trigger device, something that will cause this, at the moment harmless gas to start working.
Roger Kinley, News At Ten, Ealing Common.
Mrs Biggs, number 11, Knocker Street.
And here is some film of what could be that trigger device.
A parachute was observed floating down above Acton a few minutes ago.
It has just landed in the front garden of a house in Mulberry Crescent.
Two eminent scientists, in protective clothing, are even now about to examine it.
Perhaps they with be able to unravel the secret of the mysterious "formation gas".
Roger Kinsey reports.
(Sighs) Here we are in Acton now.
Approaching the moment of truth.
Everyone in the area has breathed the formation gas.
It remains to see now whether the scientists can render this trigger device harmless.
- (Two clicks) - (Whirring) Good heavens.
It appears they have now triggered off the device.
Nothing can now stop this gas becoming effective.
Roger Kinsey, News At Ten, on his bike.
(# Moon River playing) Reports are just beginning to come in confirming that the gas is spreading.
Some commuters travelling home from work have already been affected.
(Castanets) (Flamenco guitar) In Southend, the gas woke up several council road-menders during working hours.
(Mambo music) Here comes Roger Kinsey again.
(Crash) (Mambo music continues) Police headquarters have recruited a special squad to deal with the situation.
- (Indistinct police radio chatter) - (Woman) What's that, then? (Light piano music) Please note that Constable Peter Harris, repeat, Constable Peter Harris, is wearing a navy blue sequined uniform, accessories and truncheon, over.
And his entire ensemble was made by his mother in three evenings at a cost of L7.
55.
The government has just issued a communiqué urging people not to panic in the present crisis, which they hope will be short-lived.
Simply keep calm and dance about your business in the normal way.
Mr Eric Morley has been made Minister of Dancing.
We must now all look towards Mecca for a solution.
Meanwhile, Brigadier General Dogsbody has taken over as Supreme Allied Commander in charge of all military two-steps.
However, the gas container has been loaded onto a lorry and is at this very moment being driven to the South Coast to be dumped in the sea, while the trigger device is on its way north to be buried in a disused coal mine near Middlesbrough.
Let us hope that, with them both travelling in opposite directions, we are approaching the end of this bizarre affair.
(Brakes squealing) - (Man) What's all this about, then? - (Bemused chattering) - (Slow ballroom music) - (Man) I don't know why I'm stopping here.
(Humming) There we are, sir.
Now, what is sir going to have? - I would like a shave, please.
- A shave.
Mr Engel does the shaving, sir.
- Mr Engel? Customer for you.
- 0h, right.
0h, my God.
Morning, madam.
Morning.
- Nice morning.
- Yes, it is a nice morning, isn't it? Nice blue sky out there.
Bit quiet, mind you.
Who's that nosey parker peeping in? Clear off! Clear off! - I'd like a shave, please.
- Would you mind waiting your turn, please? I've warned you about that before.
You've been in here before.
Sorry.
I'm sorry about that, lady.
I'm not a lady! No matter how low you sink, women and ladies are all the same to me.
- Look, I haven't got much time.
- I haven't got much time either.
Now, we'll get this done in no time.
I Er Has the lady gone, then? - Yes, she has.
- 0h.
Well, you must be next, I reckon.
- Now, what can I do for you? - I would like a shave, please.
Uh-huh.
Now, are we going to leave this moustache on, do you think, or? - Yes, please.
- Yes, with a flattish nose like you have, you can carry it off.
- Would you hurry up, please? - Yes, I will, yes.
Now, er, do you think 0h, there we are.
Do you think Middlesex will beat Arsenal? I think they will do if the going's all right.
Mind you, you can't believe all you read in the papers, can you? 0nly useful for fish and chips.
I take it all with a pinch of Wait a minute, my glasses are steaming up a bit.
I'll just give them a wipe off.
- (Sighs) - There we are.
Ah.
That's better.
0h.
It's snowing.
In the summer, indoors as well.
Somebody must have left the roof off.
(Chuckles) You've got lather on your glasses.
- Pardon? - Lather on your glasses.
(Clattering) 0h dear.
0h, I've dropped them.
Where are they? (Crunch) 0h, there they are.
Ah.
- You've smashed them now, look.
- Well, at least it's stopped snowing.
Be thankful for small mercies.
There we are.
Now, I'll just give this a little, er Give this a little Make sure it's all 0h dear.
Er Have your beard off in no time.
You won't know it's gone till you nod your head and it drops off.
- I'll leave it.
I've decided to grow a beard.
- 0h no, most unhygienic.
Look, you're in no shape to shave me without your glasses.
Well, let's have a stab at it, at least.
Goodness me, I know men's chins like the back of me own hand.
0uch.
0oh, I cut my hand there.
- Look, I don't trust you.
- Look, I could do this blindfold.
- Would you like a blindfold? - No, I'd like to go.
- Wait a minute, just stay where you are.
- No, no, please - Anything else you want? Hair restoring? - No.
- Any other requisites at all? - No, no, no.
Wait, there's a bit on your Adam's apple.
I'll just take that off.
Leave it! Leave it, please.
0h, God.
- (Bell) - 0h.
Very temperamental.
Come in, please.
That's it.
That's it.
Sit down there.
All right, there we are.
Lovely.
Now, what would you like? A nice Tony Curtis? I'll sweep it back and blow-dry it, shape it.
- Is that the best thing? - (Applause) (Applause) Thank you.
0oh.
The story I'm going to tell you, when I get comfortable here, er, there we are.
You know, when the TV pioneer Logie Baird died, some people said he put all his money into bricks and mortar, and others that he'd hidden his wealth in a chair.
And I personally sometimes think they're both right.
I think he bought bricks and mortar and stuffed this chair with it.
Anyway, the story.
0oh, there we are.
The story.
Imagine, if you will, the parade ring at Ascot, and the horses are being got ready, and Lord Rosebery is standing there sharing a joke with Her Majesty.
He was telling the one about the old dowager who decided to streak through the hunt ball, and as she was running through the ballroom with nothing on, one old gentleman turned to another one and said, "I say, wasn't that Felicity Mainwaring?" And the other one said, "Yes, I think it was.
Did you notice what she was wearing?" He said, "No, not exactly, but whatever it was, it certainly needs ironing.
" When When out of the corner of his eye, Lord Rosebery sees one of the trainers feeding something to one of the horses.
"Excuse me, Your Majesty," he said, "but I think one of the lads her is trying to pull a flanker.
" Now, I expect a lot of you are surprised at my fluent use of such racing expressions as "parade ring", "Lord Rosebery", "horse".
Well, I'll let you into a little secret.
0n the side, I do breed racehorses.
I haven't bred any yet, but I've got a damn good idea how it's done.
Actually, owning a racehorse is something of a prestige symbol in this business, to sort of show you've made it.
Some people buy a racehorse, others get a divorce.
My wife actually was in favour of the divorce.
She said it's more permanent.
Something that we could both enjoy.
And I remember when I first mentioned that I'd like to buy a racehorse, she didn't speak for nearly a minute.
Which was rather exciting.
Because another ten seconds and she'd have broken her own record.
"Whatever do you want a racehorse for?" She said.
"You've already got a dog.
" I had to explain to her that you can't expect a ten-year-old poodle to win the Grand National.
Takes him all his time to put his leg up for the 0aks.
But I digress.
I also seem to have forgotten the joke.
Which, luckily, I happen to have jotted down here.
0n the back of this.
0ne of my fan letters.
Isn't that pathetic? I get one fan letter and here I am deliberately boasting about it.
Anyway, thank you, Chunky of North Ealing.
I'm sorry you took the "standing up in the hammock" joke too seriously.
Get well soon.
Both of you.
Anyway Honestly, one lousy fan letter.
Sorry, Chunky.
No offence.
Well, at least 0h dear.
At least I'm honest about it.
I'm honest about it.
I wonder if I'll go down there and get that.
It's a bit of a fall if I fall off here, you know.
I'll go down and get it.
Here we go.
0h dear.
That's it.
I'll get vertigo here.
Ah.
My wife's as bad as me, vertigo.
I took her the other day for a row in the Serpentine, she went down with scurvy.
At least I'm honest about it.
Not like these people who come on the telly and say, (American accent) "I want to thank the millions of viewers who wrote letters of sympathy "after watching my show last week.
" I don't know who writes all those letters.
I mean, to me, the gas bill is fan mail.
Honestly, I carry it around pointing at my name in the little window.
And when I pay it, I enclose an autographed photo of myself, looking out of the little window.
Back to the joke.
Now, we'd got to the point where Lord Rosebery went over to the trainer.
And he said, "What have you just put in that horse's mouth?" And the trainer said, "As a matter of fact, Your Lordship, it's a few lumps of sugar.
"Look, there's nothing wrong with it.
Taste it.
" And he ate a bit himself, you see, and Lord Rosebery ate a lump.
See? See? "I'm sorry," said Lord Rosebery, having eaten the lump of sugar.
"I'm thorry, "but I thought you might have been bunging him a dose of the old hurry-up mixture.
" He had a quaint turn of phrase, did His Lordship.
And when he'd gone, the trainer turned to the jockey and he said, "Now, what I want you to do is to hold him in for the first four furlongs and then let him go.
"Now, you've got nothing to worry about.
"If anything passes you, it'll be either me or Lord Rosebery.
" (Country music) Ladies and gentlemen, in concert, Jehosaban and Jones.
(Music ends) Good evening.
Thank you.
(Country music) # Now, just listen to me, darling # What I say to you is true # If you really want to leave me # That's entirely up to you # But believe me when I tell you # I am really not to blame # All your silly fears are groundless # I still love you just the same # It don't mean that I don't love you # Wah-ooh, wah-ooh # Just because I never speak # Wah-ooh, wah-ooh # And I never give you presents # Wah-ooh, wah-ooh # Take you swimming in the creek # Wah-ooh, wah-ooh # Just because I hate your cooking # Wah-ooh, wah-ooh # 0h, please don't get in a stew # Wah-ooh, wah-ooh # Just because I shot your grandma # Wah-ooh, wah-ooh # Doesn't mean I don't love you # It don't mean that I don't love you when I punch you in the nose # And go out with other women, never buy you any clothes # How can we remain together with so many ifs and buts? # It don't mean that I don't love you # Wah-ooh, wah-ooh # But my wife, she hates your guts # Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very, very much.
Hi there.
Hi there, folks, on behalf of me and my old pal and buddy Fatbelly here, let me say how pleased I am to be back over in England, isn't that right, Fatbelly? Sure enough, Jim.
Sure enough.
Yeah, it's great to come and mingle with you lovely people again.
I sure do love to mingle, don't I, Fatbelly? Yeah, you sure do, Jim, and maybe that's what's wrong with the world today, is people just don't mingle enough.
Why, I bet there's people in this audience tonight that ain't mungled for years.
Still, we didn't come here to make the world better.
We came here to sing a few songs.
Yep, and make it worse.
All right.
Let's get back and do this little song we do.
What's it called? It's called I'm Changing My Glasses.
# I got myself a gorgeous girl, she lives just out of town # She's always most agreeable whenever I'm around # We never ever quarrel and she sees my point of view # She just agrees with everything - well, that's not strictly true # She agrees we're like the bees and the birds up in the trees # She agrees that love is wonderful and right # She agrees in every way with everything I say # But she won't agree to do what I asked her to last night # She's such a healthy sort of girl, she plays all kind of sports # She's a wonderful all-rounder when she's wearing tennis shorts # She's great up on the golf course and she's an expert rifle shot # And when she plays a game she gives it everything she's got # She plays baseball, she plays boules, she plays hockey for the school # She can ski and swim and fence and fly a kite # Throw a dart or bounce a ball, she'll play any game at all # But she wouldn't play the game that I asked her to last night # She agrees that I'm sincere and she thinks that I'm a dear # But she won't agree to do what I asked her to last night # She agrees that I've got class and she thinks that I'm a gas # But she won't agree to do what I asked her to last night # No, she won't agree to do what I asked her to last night # Thank you very much.
(Fiddle intro) # She was a big, fat, welcome on the mat, true blue Southern gal # Met her down in Arkansas, never saw the gal before, but she seemed a real good pal # She could rustle cattle, and her sister from Seattle, she used to do it as well # She was a big, fat, what do you think of that, uptight, downtown belle # She was a huge, tall, really on the ball, great big lovin' dame # Travelled with the rodeo, working in the strip show, no two shows the same # County show or cattle fair, she would drop her underwear # Everybody enjoyed it, you could tell # She was a huge, tall, no complaints at all, uptight, downtown belle # She was a mighty fine, rattling big success # She seemed to be the one for me, seemed a lot of fun to me, but she made my life a mess # Took my gold, left me in the cold, didn't even leave me my heart # She was a large, fine, lay-it-on-the-line, regular downtown tart # Well, that's all for this week, except for two items of late news.
Mr Arthur Perkis, the man who this week won L500,000 on the pools, has announced that he will never work another day in his life.
He's staying on with British Rail.
And a Watford man has made a serious complaint against Sunnyview Naturist Paradise.
He said that after being in the nudist camp for at least three months, he had a letter from a letter from the secretary that began, "Dear Sir or Madam.
" - But that's all, so good night from me - And it's good night from him.
(Both) Good night.
But first, here is the news.
There was an embarrassing incident at Madame Tussauds last week when Mr Callaghan unveiled a wax model of himself and his chauffeur drove it back to Downing Street by mistake.
Luckily, it had only held three Cabinet meetings before it was discovered.
And we've just heard that at a Golders Green maternity hospital today, the wife of a well-known ventriloquist gave birth to a 9lb gouncing gagy goy.
A new dance is sweeping the country.
It's called the Pony Trot.
0nce round the floor, then outside for your oats.
Sport.
Sorry.
Sport.
Reports that athletes indulge in too much sex before meetings were hotly denied today by sprinter Wellesley Blunt.
He went on to win the 100m in a time of two hours, 37 minutes.
Now for the notices.
There'll be a conference and sermon in the Free Church Hall tomorrow for those who thirst after righteousness.
And for those who thirst before righteousness, the Cat and Fiddle opens early.
In a sketch that follows about teddy boys and topless girls at a dance, I knock around with a pair of rockers.
And I rock around with a pair of Notts County footballers.
(Train clattering rhythmically) Morning.
- Morning.
- Morning.
- Lovely day, isn't it? - (In time with train) Beautiful day.
- Beautiful day.
- Beautiful day.
- Chilly but crisp.
- Frosty but nice.
- Bracing and bright.
- Nip in the air.
- Good for the blood.
- Gives you a glow.
- Spring in your step.
- Makes you feel good.
- Top of the world.
- Walking on air.
- Feel full of beans.
- I quite agree.
- Been for your hols? - At the weekend.
- Anywhere nice? - Cornwall for us.
Same every year.
- Booked it all up.
Bought two to Looe.
- Bought two to Looe? - Monte for me.
- Going abroad? Fiddle-de-dee.
- Fiddle-de-dee? - Fiddle-de-dee.
- Seen this bit here? - What does it say? Says that a man, age 42, took a young girl back to his flat, gave her some drinks, then she passed out, when she woke up, she was in bed, in the Near East, and nothing else, know what I mean, man of the world, need I say more, word to the wise.
(Laughs) 0h, you're a one.
Rubbish like that makes me feel sick.
Who wants to read that sort of filth? Vicars and Scouts, orgies and drugs, bosoms and boots, brazen young bits, flaunting their flesh, showing their thighs, all that they've got, world's in a mess, going to pot, sign of the times, God, I feel hot, think I'll strip off.
- Have you gone mad? - I think he's snapped, gone round the twist.
- Give us a kiss.
- Get back, you fool! - I want a kiss.
- Leave her alone.
Keep out of this.
I knew you cared.
I had a hunch.
- Come to my arms! - Mind my packed lunch.
- No, no, not here.
- Now is the time.
I want you now.
- George, is this wise? - I love your lips.
I love your eyes.
- I love your nose.
- Take me by force! - I love your - (Toots) Here's Charing Cross! 0h.
0h.
I'm sorry.
(Sighs) 0h.
I say, I, er I'm most awfully sorry.
I don't know what came over me.
0h, that's quite all right.
Say no more about it.
Just one of those things.
George.
Thank you so much.
Wouldn't mind, but it's the same thing every day.
0ne thing about these white people, they've got a great sense of rhythm.
(All talking indistinctly) You're gin and tonic, you're stout half wine Yes, right.
Right, you all go out on the terrace.
I'll get the waiter to bring the drinks out, shall I? That's fine.
0ff we go.
- Good evening.
What would you like? - To start with, I'll have a large gin and tonic.
- Sir.
- Very large.
- Ice and lemon, sir? - If there's room in the glass, yes.
- And what else, sir? - Er, well, as a matter of fact, I've just met these people.
I don't know them at all, they're all friends of my wife.
So, now, let's see.
The lady in the sack dress wants an enormous brandy, er, the young man with the flat head wants a rum and Coke, er, Andy, he's the tall chap, he's Scottish, he wants a pink gin with lemon, er, the girl with the boobs wants a white lady, er, my wife will have a Scotch on the rocks, er, the woman with the bare arms behind her, she will have half a bottle of the house wine, and the old man with the rather shifty eyes, he'll have a rough cider.
- But first, I'll have another gin and tonic.
- Yes, sir.
0h! Beautiful.
So, right, that's an enormous brandy, a rum and Coke, a pink gin, a white Scotch, a wine, a cider and a lemon on the rocks.
- Pardon, sir? - (Groans) 0h.
Look, the lady in the sack dress, a brandy.
Er, the flat head, a rum and Coke, the Scotsman behind, a white gin.
Er, the lady with the pink boobs, a cider, and And the gent Er, just a minute.
Just a minute.
- Er - (All talking indistinctly) Yes, right.
- Yes, I thought that was it, yes.
Is that mine? - Yes, sir.
Thank you very much.
- 0hh.
Same again, please.
- Certainly, sir.
Now, I've got it this time.
It's one brandy, one rum and lemon, er, a pink thing, a white lady with double boobs, erm er, rough rocks, wine on the house and a big bottle.
- Pardon, sir? - Don't worry, it's all under control.
Look, the lady in the sack wants a tall Scotch, the bare lady with the behind wants a rum and Coke, er, my wife will have an old man on the rocks, erm, the girl with the shifty boobs wants a big bottle of brandy on the house, the young man with the flat wife wants an enormous wine, the white lady with the pink Er, just a minute.
Just a minute.
Now, wait.
Have you ordered a pink wine? (All talk indistinctly) Yes, I thought that was it, yes.
Is that mine? - Yes, sir.
- 0h, thank you.
Same again, will you? Now, are you listening? It's simple.
Simple.
I'll have a gin and tonic.
- I've got one ready for you, sir.
- 0h, thank you.
- Either one of these, is it? - Yes, sir.
0h, thank you.
Thank you.
- Er Why don't you have a beer? - No, thank you, sir.
Right.
Now, I do exactly what I'm knowing.
All right? Here goes.
The randy girl with the big bottle wants a rough Scotsman Rough Scotsman the tall lemon wants a double shifty on the rocks, er, the bare woman with the boobs like the side of a house wants a pink old man, the the enormous chap with the flat gin wants my wife with a beer behind.
And the white lady wants a sack of coke.
It's simple enough.
- What are you having? - Sir, I'm No, no, really, now wait a minute.
No, look, this is it, right? Forget all previous orders, just get me a sack of coke, two large rocks, two pink boobs, an enormous lemon and a large bare lady of the house.
- I'm glad we've finally got that sorted out.
- Yes, so am I, yes.
- 0ne sack of coke.
- 0ne sack of coke.
- Two large rocks.
- Two large rocks.
- 0ne pair of pink boobs.
- 0ne pair of pink boobs.
- An enormous lemon.
- Enormous lemon.
- And, erm, a large bare lady on the house.
- Ah.
You carry that.
Now, I'll take the lemons, you take the rocks.
Come on.
Now, who ordered the pink boobs? Victorian London was now in a state of terror.
The series of outrageous and sudden attacks by the Phantom Raspberry Blower continued.
No one was safe alone at night.
Even married couples had taken to going around in pairs, chief victims being members of the aristocracy and their staff.
- (Raspberry) - 0hh! 0h, help! I've never been so 0h! Did you see the man? Inspector Corner of the Yard, however, at last had a lead.
He now knows that the Phantom would only be satisfied when he had attacked the Queen, and so was born his master plan.
The Home Secretary, Sir Doddington Diddle, outlines his scheme to a group of special constables at Hendon.
(Marching music) Queen Victorias, mark time! Queen Victorias, halt! Queen Victorias, left turn! Queen Victorias, from the right, number! (All call out numbers from one to six) Queen Victorias reporting for duty, Home Secretary.
Queen Victorias, stand at ease.
(Imitating echo) Men-men, you are no doubt wondering-ondering why you have been asked to dress like this.
Simply this-this.
We have inside information-tion that an attempt is to be made upon Her Majesty's person by the Phantom Raspberry Blower of old London et cetera-et cetera.
Therefore, we have found it necessary to take certain steps-eps to defeat his purposes-urposes.
Now, your duty is clear.
You have all been chosen-osen for your general facial resemblance to Her Majesty, Queen Victoria-oria.
You will all be given specific duties to perform.
0ne of you will take up residence in Buckingham Pal-iace, another will drive in an open landau through Hyde Park-ark, and a third will give a soirée at St James's Pal-iace, and so on.
In this way, we hope to decoy the miscreant into being overconfident.
Where will Her Majesty really be, sir? She will be playing the lead in Charley's Aunt at the Hippodrome-ome.
Any further questions? No? Good.
And very good luck to you all.
Ravishing.
Ravishing-avishing! Queen Victorias, 'shun! Queen Victorias, right turn.
Queen Victorias, by the left, quick march.
Thus the platoon of six Queen Victorias, first class, set about their vital task of decoying the Raspberry Blower into a lethal trap.
But each of the six suffered a different fate at the hands of the Phantom.
The first one, Constable Cyril Custard, was posted to Windsor.
He disappeared after being at the receiving end of a nasty one from under the table.
(Raspberry) The second one was receiving debutantes at Buckingham Palace, but the Phantom disguised himself as a deb and struck again, and the poor constable was discovered when his skirt was blown off by the force of the blast.
(Raspberry) A third attack poisoned the coffee on the Royal Train, and the policeman never recovered.
(Raspberry) The fourth Queen Victoria got stuck in a traffic jam at Ludgate Circus and was never seen again.
And the fifth and sixth ones fell in love and lived happily ever after.
(# Pastoral music) But worse was to come.
On the night of February 3rd, 1899, the Phantom's card was found underneath the Queen's bed by her faithful retainer, John Brown.
0h, my goodness me! The nation was shocked.
An emergency was called at Number 10 Downing Street.
All the heads of the Commonwealth were present.
The Prime Minister addressed them.
My lords, prime ministers, sultans, potentates, sheikhs, maharajas, and Miss Maureen Worthy.
Gentlemen.
And Maureen.
We must take steps to isolate this threat to our dear Queen.
Everything else takes second place.
- Hear, hear.
- 'Ear, 'ear.
- Hear, hear.
- (Deep, echoing) Hear, hear.
Now, hands up all those in agreement.
Good.
Now, here is my master plan to put paid to the Bloomsbury Phantom Rasser of 0ld (Raspberry) Good night, sir.
Stop, stop! It's the Phantom! (No sound) He's rendered my whistle lifeless, sir.
Here, use mine.
- 0oh, that's a nice one, sir.
- (Whistle) Here, I want a word with you.
Is nothing sacred? Can nothing be done? Authority is once again powerless to stop him.
Who is there who will now dare to pit his wits against the Phantom Raspberry Blower of old London Town? (Raspberry) Now, here is the late news.
A man who broke into the Royal Palace at Monaco and tried to escape wearing shoes belonging to Prince Rainier's son, and a dress belonging to his wife, has been charged with putting on airs and graces.
In news from the courts, 30 drunken trippers who nipped off their coach for a certain reason on Hammersmith Bridge just as the Cambridge crew were passing underneath have been each fined L10 for having one over the eight.
And a young woman from Wealdstone made an extremely serious complaint against a famous cosmetic surgeon.
She said he gave her a perfect bust but made it far too big.
Having weighed the evidence, the police have put it in the hands of the public prosecutor.
And a National Health patient complained today of how he was rushed around the country for a series of emergency operations.
He had a hand operation at Neasden and a knee operation at Handsworth, and he had a heart transplant at Liverpool and a liver transplant at Hartlepool.
Then he had a hair transplant at Littlehampton and on arriving at Harefield, he fainted.
# Answer me, oh, my love # Just what sin have I been guilty of? # Tell me how I came to lose your love # Please answer me, sweetheart # You were mine yesterday # I believed the love was here to stay # Won't you tell me where I've gone astray # Please answer me, my love # If you're happier without me, I will try not to care # Try not to care # But if you still think about me, please listen to my prayer # You must know, ooh, I've been true # Won't you say that we can start anew # In my sorrow now I turn to you # Please answer me, my love # Answer me, my love # If you're happier without me, I'll try not to care # Try not to care # But if you still think about me, please listen to my prayer # To my prayer # You must know, ooh, I've been true # Won't you say that we can start anew # In my sorrow now I turn to you # Please answer me, my love # 0h, answer me # Answer me # Answer me, my love # Love, love # Ah, ah, ah # Answer, my love # Ah, ah, ah # Answer, my love # Ah, ah, ah # Answer, my love # Ah, ah, ah # Answer my love # Ah, ah, ah # Answer, my love - # Ah, ah, ah - (Applause) # Answer, my love # Good evening.
Here is the news for Friday, June 4th, 2001.
King Foot of Europe is to abdicate.
"With a name like Foot, it's hard to put on a brave face," he said.
"It's been dragged through the mud many times, especially in wet weather.
"But now I wish to take it easy, relax and put it up for a while.
" Mrs Elizabeth Windsor, formerly the Queen, has applied to have her council flat redecorated.
The last time it was decorated was in 1971, when it received the 0BE.
Asked who did the decorating, she replied, "My husband and I.
" And now, the main news story this evening.
Reports are just coming in of the discovery of a large container in a park at Ealing, which appears to have been dropped from an unknown aircraft.
It is emitting a strange, sweet-smelling gas which is rapidly being dispersed over a wide area.
Roger Kinsey reports.
- (Hissing) - Good evening.
I have been advised to wear this gas mask, but quite frankly, it seems to me to be a complete waste of time, because these two ladies over here seem to be suffering from no ill effects whatsoever.
The canister was discovered earlier this morning and is marked on the side in large letters, "Formation Gas.
" What this means, we are not sure, but scientists are now waiting for the appearance of a trigger device, something that will cause this, at the moment harmless gas to start working.
Roger Kinley, News At Ten, Ealing Common.
Mrs Biggs, number 11, Knocker Street.
And here is some film of what could be that trigger device.
A parachute was observed floating down above Acton a few minutes ago.
It has just landed in the front garden of a house in Mulberry Crescent.
Two eminent scientists, in protective clothing, are even now about to examine it.
Perhaps they with be able to unravel the secret of the mysterious "formation gas".
Roger Kinsey reports.
(Sighs) Here we are in Acton now.
Approaching the moment of truth.
Everyone in the area has breathed the formation gas.
It remains to see now whether the scientists can render this trigger device harmless.
- (Two clicks) - (Whirring) Good heavens.
It appears they have now triggered off the device.
Nothing can now stop this gas becoming effective.
Roger Kinsey, News At Ten, on his bike.
(# Moon River playing) Reports are just beginning to come in confirming that the gas is spreading.
Some commuters travelling home from work have already been affected.
(Castanets) (Flamenco guitar) In Southend, the gas woke up several council road-menders during working hours.
(Mambo music) Here comes Roger Kinsey again.
(Crash) (Mambo music continues) Police headquarters have recruited a special squad to deal with the situation.
- (Indistinct police radio chatter) - (Woman) What's that, then? (Light piano music) Please note that Constable Peter Harris, repeat, Constable Peter Harris, is wearing a navy blue sequined uniform, accessories and truncheon, over.
And his entire ensemble was made by his mother in three evenings at a cost of L7.
55.
The government has just issued a communiqué urging people not to panic in the present crisis, which they hope will be short-lived.
Simply keep calm and dance about your business in the normal way.
Mr Eric Morley has been made Minister of Dancing.
We must now all look towards Mecca for a solution.
Meanwhile, Brigadier General Dogsbody has taken over as Supreme Allied Commander in charge of all military two-steps.
However, the gas container has been loaded onto a lorry and is at this very moment being driven to the South Coast to be dumped in the sea, while the trigger device is on its way north to be buried in a disused coal mine near Middlesbrough.
Let us hope that, with them both travelling in opposite directions, we are approaching the end of this bizarre affair.
(Brakes squealing) - (Man) What's all this about, then? - (Bemused chattering) - (Slow ballroom music) - (Man) I don't know why I'm stopping here.
(Humming) There we are, sir.
Now, what is sir going to have? - I would like a shave, please.
- A shave.
Mr Engel does the shaving, sir.
- Mr Engel? Customer for you.
- 0h, right.
0h, my God.
Morning, madam.
Morning.
- Nice morning.
- Yes, it is a nice morning, isn't it? Nice blue sky out there.
Bit quiet, mind you.
Who's that nosey parker peeping in? Clear off! Clear off! - I'd like a shave, please.
- Would you mind waiting your turn, please? I've warned you about that before.
You've been in here before.
Sorry.
I'm sorry about that, lady.
I'm not a lady! No matter how low you sink, women and ladies are all the same to me.
- Look, I haven't got much time.
- I haven't got much time either.
Now, we'll get this done in no time.
I Er Has the lady gone, then? - Yes, she has.
- 0h.
Well, you must be next, I reckon.
- Now, what can I do for you? - I would like a shave, please.
Uh-huh.
Now, are we going to leave this moustache on, do you think, or? - Yes, please.
- Yes, with a flattish nose like you have, you can carry it off.
- Would you hurry up, please? - Yes, I will, yes.
Now, er, do you think 0h, there we are.
Do you think Middlesex will beat Arsenal? I think they will do if the going's all right.
Mind you, you can't believe all you read in the papers, can you? 0nly useful for fish and chips.
I take it all with a pinch of Wait a minute, my glasses are steaming up a bit.
I'll just give them a wipe off.
- (Sighs) - There we are.
Ah.
That's better.
0h.
It's snowing.
In the summer, indoors as well.
Somebody must have left the roof off.
(Chuckles) You've got lather on your glasses.
- Pardon? - Lather on your glasses.
(Clattering) 0h dear.
0h, I've dropped them.
Where are they? (Crunch) 0h, there they are.
Ah.
- You've smashed them now, look.
- Well, at least it's stopped snowing.
Be thankful for small mercies.
There we are.
Now, I'll just give this a little, er Give this a little Make sure it's all 0h dear.
Er Have your beard off in no time.
You won't know it's gone till you nod your head and it drops off.
- I'll leave it.
I've decided to grow a beard.
- 0h no, most unhygienic.
Look, you're in no shape to shave me without your glasses.
Well, let's have a stab at it, at least.
Goodness me, I know men's chins like the back of me own hand.
0uch.
0oh, I cut my hand there.
- Look, I don't trust you.
- Look, I could do this blindfold.
- Would you like a blindfold? - No, I'd like to go.
- Wait a minute, just stay where you are.
- No, no, please - Anything else you want? Hair restoring? - No.
- Any other requisites at all? - No, no, no.
Wait, there's a bit on your Adam's apple.
I'll just take that off.
Leave it! Leave it, please.
0h, God.
- (Bell) - 0h.
Very temperamental.
Come in, please.
That's it.
That's it.
Sit down there.
All right, there we are.
Lovely.
Now, what would you like? A nice Tony Curtis? I'll sweep it back and blow-dry it, shape it.
- Is that the best thing? - (Applause) (Applause) Thank you.
0oh.
The story I'm going to tell you, when I get comfortable here, er, there we are.
You know, when the TV pioneer Logie Baird died, some people said he put all his money into bricks and mortar, and others that he'd hidden his wealth in a chair.
And I personally sometimes think they're both right.
I think he bought bricks and mortar and stuffed this chair with it.
Anyway, the story.
0oh, there we are.
The story.
Imagine, if you will, the parade ring at Ascot, and the horses are being got ready, and Lord Rosebery is standing there sharing a joke with Her Majesty.
He was telling the one about the old dowager who decided to streak through the hunt ball, and as she was running through the ballroom with nothing on, one old gentleman turned to another one and said, "I say, wasn't that Felicity Mainwaring?" And the other one said, "Yes, I think it was.
Did you notice what she was wearing?" He said, "No, not exactly, but whatever it was, it certainly needs ironing.
" When When out of the corner of his eye, Lord Rosebery sees one of the trainers feeding something to one of the horses.
"Excuse me, Your Majesty," he said, "but I think one of the lads her is trying to pull a flanker.
" Now, I expect a lot of you are surprised at my fluent use of such racing expressions as "parade ring", "Lord Rosebery", "horse".
Well, I'll let you into a little secret.
0n the side, I do breed racehorses.
I haven't bred any yet, but I've got a damn good idea how it's done.
Actually, owning a racehorse is something of a prestige symbol in this business, to sort of show you've made it.
Some people buy a racehorse, others get a divorce.
My wife actually was in favour of the divorce.
She said it's more permanent.
Something that we could both enjoy.
And I remember when I first mentioned that I'd like to buy a racehorse, she didn't speak for nearly a minute.
Which was rather exciting.
Because another ten seconds and she'd have broken her own record.
"Whatever do you want a racehorse for?" She said.
"You've already got a dog.
" I had to explain to her that you can't expect a ten-year-old poodle to win the Grand National.
Takes him all his time to put his leg up for the 0aks.
But I digress.
I also seem to have forgotten the joke.
Which, luckily, I happen to have jotted down here.
0n the back of this.
0ne of my fan letters.
Isn't that pathetic? I get one fan letter and here I am deliberately boasting about it.
Anyway, thank you, Chunky of North Ealing.
I'm sorry you took the "standing up in the hammock" joke too seriously.
Get well soon.
Both of you.
Anyway Honestly, one lousy fan letter.
Sorry, Chunky.
No offence.
Well, at least 0h dear.
At least I'm honest about it.
I'm honest about it.
I wonder if I'll go down there and get that.
It's a bit of a fall if I fall off here, you know.
I'll go down and get it.
Here we go.
0h dear.
That's it.
I'll get vertigo here.
Ah.
My wife's as bad as me, vertigo.
I took her the other day for a row in the Serpentine, she went down with scurvy.
At least I'm honest about it.
Not like these people who come on the telly and say, (American accent) "I want to thank the millions of viewers who wrote letters of sympathy "after watching my show last week.
" I don't know who writes all those letters.
I mean, to me, the gas bill is fan mail.
Honestly, I carry it around pointing at my name in the little window.
And when I pay it, I enclose an autographed photo of myself, looking out of the little window.
Back to the joke.
Now, we'd got to the point where Lord Rosebery went over to the trainer.
And he said, "What have you just put in that horse's mouth?" And the trainer said, "As a matter of fact, Your Lordship, it's a few lumps of sugar.
"Look, there's nothing wrong with it.
Taste it.
" And he ate a bit himself, you see, and Lord Rosebery ate a lump.
See? See? "I'm sorry," said Lord Rosebery, having eaten the lump of sugar.
"I'm thorry, "but I thought you might have been bunging him a dose of the old hurry-up mixture.
" He had a quaint turn of phrase, did His Lordship.
And when he'd gone, the trainer turned to the jockey and he said, "Now, what I want you to do is to hold him in for the first four furlongs and then let him go.
"Now, you've got nothing to worry about.
"If anything passes you, it'll be either me or Lord Rosebery.
" (Country music) Ladies and gentlemen, in concert, Jehosaban and Jones.
(Music ends) Good evening.
Thank you.
(Country music) # Now, just listen to me, darling # What I say to you is true # If you really want to leave me # That's entirely up to you # But believe me when I tell you # I am really not to blame # All your silly fears are groundless # I still love you just the same # It don't mean that I don't love you # Wah-ooh, wah-ooh # Just because I never speak # Wah-ooh, wah-ooh # And I never give you presents # Wah-ooh, wah-ooh # Take you swimming in the creek # Wah-ooh, wah-ooh # Just because I hate your cooking # Wah-ooh, wah-ooh # 0h, please don't get in a stew # Wah-ooh, wah-ooh # Just because I shot your grandma # Wah-ooh, wah-ooh # Doesn't mean I don't love you # It don't mean that I don't love you when I punch you in the nose # And go out with other women, never buy you any clothes # How can we remain together with so many ifs and buts? # It don't mean that I don't love you # Wah-ooh, wah-ooh # But my wife, she hates your guts # Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very, very much.
Hi there.
Hi there, folks, on behalf of me and my old pal and buddy Fatbelly here, let me say how pleased I am to be back over in England, isn't that right, Fatbelly? Sure enough, Jim.
Sure enough.
Yeah, it's great to come and mingle with you lovely people again.
I sure do love to mingle, don't I, Fatbelly? Yeah, you sure do, Jim, and maybe that's what's wrong with the world today, is people just don't mingle enough.
Why, I bet there's people in this audience tonight that ain't mungled for years.
Still, we didn't come here to make the world better.
We came here to sing a few songs.
Yep, and make it worse.
All right.
Let's get back and do this little song we do.
What's it called? It's called I'm Changing My Glasses.
# I got myself a gorgeous girl, she lives just out of town # She's always most agreeable whenever I'm around # We never ever quarrel and she sees my point of view # She just agrees with everything - well, that's not strictly true # She agrees we're like the bees and the birds up in the trees # She agrees that love is wonderful and right # She agrees in every way with everything I say # But she won't agree to do what I asked her to last night # She's such a healthy sort of girl, she plays all kind of sports # She's a wonderful all-rounder when she's wearing tennis shorts # She's great up on the golf course and she's an expert rifle shot # And when she plays a game she gives it everything she's got # She plays baseball, she plays boules, she plays hockey for the school # She can ski and swim and fence and fly a kite # Throw a dart or bounce a ball, she'll play any game at all # But she wouldn't play the game that I asked her to last night # She agrees that I'm sincere and she thinks that I'm a dear # But she won't agree to do what I asked her to last night # She agrees that I've got class and she thinks that I'm a gas # But she won't agree to do what I asked her to last night # No, she won't agree to do what I asked her to last night # Thank you very much.
(Fiddle intro) # She was a big, fat, welcome on the mat, true blue Southern gal # Met her down in Arkansas, never saw the gal before, but she seemed a real good pal # She could rustle cattle, and her sister from Seattle, she used to do it as well # She was a big, fat, what do you think of that, uptight, downtown belle # She was a huge, tall, really on the ball, great big lovin' dame # Travelled with the rodeo, working in the strip show, no two shows the same # County show or cattle fair, she would drop her underwear # Everybody enjoyed it, you could tell # She was a huge, tall, no complaints at all, uptight, downtown belle # She was a mighty fine, rattling big success # She seemed to be the one for me, seemed a lot of fun to me, but she made my life a mess # Took my gold, left me in the cold, didn't even leave me my heart # She was a large, fine, lay-it-on-the-line, regular downtown tart # Well, that's all for this week, except for two items of late news.
Mr Arthur Perkis, the man who this week won L500,000 on the pools, has announced that he will never work another day in his life.
He's staying on with British Rail.
And a Watford man has made a serious complaint against Sunnyview Naturist Paradise.
He said that after being in the nudist camp for at least three months, he had a letter from a letter from the secretary that began, "Dear Sir or Madam.
" - But that's all, so good night from me - And it's good night from him.
(Both) Good night.