The Two Ronnies (1971) s05e06 Episode Script
Series 5, Episode 6
(Applause) Hello and it's good to be with you again, isn't it? Yes, it is.
And in a packed programme tonight, we meet a scientist who crossed the theories of Sigmund Freud with those of Albert Einstein and got sex at the speed of light.
And for the ladies tonight, we talk about rum babas and what to wear if you've got them.
But first, the news.
Following the dispute with the domestic servants union at Buckingham Palace, the Queen, a radiant figure in white silk gown and crimson robe, swept down the main staircase and through the hall.
She then dusted the cloakroom and hoovered the lounge.
In a dramatic incident in the House of Commons last night, Mr Cyril Smith rose from the Liberal front bench and the rest of the party fell off the other end.
And we've just heard that the price of British Rail coffee is to go up to 15p a slice.
The powerful secret society known as the Lords of the Universe held their annual meeting last night.
Their president, the Lord Chief Controller and Commander 0ver All Living Things was unable to be present.
His wife wouldn't let him out.
The next event was the annual general meeting of the Society For People Who Think They Are Methods 0f Transport.
It's patrons are Mr Robert Carr and Mr Michael Foot.
Mr Foot arrived by car and Mr Carr arrived on foot.
Mr Foot launched proceedings by hitting a man who thinks he's an ocean liner over the head with a bottle of champagne.
He then hailed a woman who thinks she's a taxi, boarded her and left.
The whole venture is financed by someone who wishes to remain an omnibus.
In the next sketch, I interview a lady who likes Nicholas Parsons.
And I interview a parson who likes knickerless ladies.
(Applause) - Good afternoon.
- Good afternoon.
I'd like to enrol for one of your night classes, please.
Yes.
Now, what sort of course were you thinking of taking? Poisoning.
- Pardon? - Poisoning.
- I want to learn how to poison things.
- We don't have a poisoning course.
- Ah, well, chemistry, then.
- Chemistry, yes.
Yes.
Chemistry with access to the poison cupboard.
0ur chemistry course doesn't run as far as the poison cupboard.
What about something else, something like metal work? - 0h, will that include knife sharpening? - It might well.
- And axe grinding? - No, no, no.
I suggest you keep away from that sort of thing.
- Why? Why? - Well, it's not normal, you know.
Not normal? I'm perfectly normal.
I'm a normal human being who just wants to know how to sharpen a knife, so that its blade glints in the sunlight, as I smash it down on her 0n whatever I smash it down on - a pork chop or something like that.
No, no.
What about first aid? 0h! How to remove blood stains from clothing? No, no, not that.
What about Knots and Hitches? - Ah, slip knots? - No, no.
Needlework, then? - Hypodermic needlework? - No, no, no.
- Why not learn an instrument? - Ah, yes.
- A blunt instrument.
- No, no.
Why do you want to learn all these dreadful things? - I'm writing a book on it.
- A book? Yes.
How To Murder The Woman At 49 Ashley Gardens And 0ther Stories.
- 49 Ashley Gardens? - Yes.
Do you know it? - I know the road, yes.
- Well, I live at 49 Ashley Gardens and my wife is being unfaithful to me.
- Really? - Yes.
A little chap with glasses.
0h.
What's that got to do with me? Nothing.
Nothing at all.
It's just that I want to learn about it to write a book, you see, and you're the person who can tell me about night classes.
0f course.
I'm the person who tells you about night classes.
- Yes, quite.
- What I do in my own time is my own affair.
0h, yes.
Mind you, my wife's affairs are far from private.
- Really? - My wife's affairs are public.
- She's ultra-friendly.
- What? Every man in the road and two in the crescent and four up the avenue.
The skinny ginger-haired little tart.
An accurate description.
Look, sir, why don't you have a nice weekend in Brighton, something bracing? - Do you think so? - And when you come back on Monday, perhaps you'll have something to write a book about.
- 0h, all right, then.
I'll go to Brighton.
- See you on Monday.
- See you Monday, then.
- Yes, indeed.
Bye-bye.
Hello, Daphne? He's just been in, yes.
Yes, I've managed to persuade him to go to Brighton for the weekend, so I'll see you tonight, my dearest.
Hello, is that 0utdoor Activities? It's Frobisher here.
Have you a gardening course going? 0nly I wanted to learn how to dig a big hole, six-foot deep by 38-24-36.
(Applause) Good evening.
I'm from the Ministry of Sex Equality.
And I'm here tonight to explain the situation, man to man.
0r, as we have to say now, person to person.
My name is Mr stroke Mrs Barker but I don't advise any of you to try it.
Stroking Mrs Barker, that is.
Now, due to this new law, no one is allowed to be called male or female, man or woman.
This has already caused a great deal of argument in parliament, so they're going for a parliamentary conference at Manchester, or as we now say, Personchester.
They will all stay in a nudist colony and air their differences.
Members only, of course.
But how does this affect you? Is it easy to become unsexed? Well, it can be done and I represent the proof, or at least half of me does.
The other half represents the poof.
Well, the first thing we have to realise is that for too long, women have been beneath men, not only in the home but in the office as well.
And there are many ways in which we can change that.
Vertical desk tops, for a start.
Now, the main area of change, of course, will be in the language.
The man in the street will become the person in the street.
Whoever you are, man or woman, you will be the person in the street.
Incidentally, when I was in the street, I nearly fell down a person hole, so be careful.
Now, certain professions will have their names changed, from the chair person of a large company, right down to the humble dust person.
Not be confused with the famous film star, Dustin Hoffperson.
Now speaking of films, there will be special films made showing the equality of the sexes.
Already in production, a new musical called Seven Persons For Seven 0ther Persons.
Starring Paul Newperson with choreography by Robert Helpperson.
And music by Persontovani And His 0rchestra.
Now, dress.
Dress, of course, you won't be expected to dress like this.
This sort of costume is much too expensive.
Half a nicker certainly doesn't cover it.
No Each person can of course choose what to wear, provided it includes the customary shirt, bra, underpants and handbag.
Shoes can be black or brown according to taste.
I find that black shoes taste better than brown ones.
Jobs, too, will be entirely sexless, with one or two obvious exceptions.
"What are they?" you may ask.
You may ask but I'm not telling you on this programme.
Here is a clue.
They have jam on them and appear at tea time.
(Mouths) Now, a job must be open to either a whatsit or a whosit, that is, of either sex.
For instance, certain advertisements will not be allowed.
I have one here in the local paper and it says, if I can find it 0h, yes.
"Bar staff required for West Country pub, male or female, "must have big boobs.
" Now, that won't be passed by the Ministry.
What they should've said was, "Bar staff required, male or female, "must be attractive, in the Bristol area.
" That would've got past.
The recent idea by the Ministry to avoid confusion is to call a man a doings and a woman a thingy.
This offends no one and makes conversation clearer.
Thus we instantly recognise the book called Little Thingies or the musical called My Fair Thingy or the play by George Bernard Shaw called Doings and Superdoings.
There are times, however, when it's better to stick to the word "person".
The person in the street is better than the doings in the street, of course.
That's something to look out for and steer clear of.
Finally, finally, don't let this new law alter your life.
After all, what's in a name, as the great John??? Once remarked.
I know that whatever we're called, my own dear thingy and myself will carry on as usual, wearing each other's clothes, and that however we the people are thought of by the Ministry, tonight, all over Britain, all those thingies and doings will be together in front of the fire as usual.
Good night.
(Applause) London, 1899.
The Phantom's attacks, which were distressing the gentlefolk of London by their suddenness and ferocity, continue.
First, the butler at Number 10.
(Raspberry) John Brown, the Queen's faithful retainer.
(Raspberry) Mr Disraeli.
(Raspberry) And now the latest attack on the meeting of all the heads of state at Number 10 Downing Street.
(Raspberries) Inspector Corner of the Yard worked tirelessly on the case.
(Raspberry) But this last blow was too much.
He broke down and was sent to a gentleman's rest home in Sussex and promoted to emperor.
(Shrieking) - A grave setback.
- (Shrieking) But for once, fortune smiled on the police.
At dusk on the 7th of September, Ludwig von Koch, the famous Chinese ornithologist, was recording the sound of a kosher nightjar on Hampstead Heath.
(Woman) 0oh, stop that.
0oh, you are naughty! (Man) 0h, come on.
(Woman) What are you like? (Raspberry) (Raspberry) By chance, the Professor had picked up the sound of the Phantom.
Believing it to be the mating call of the extinct dodo, von Koch played the recording back to an enthralled audience - at the Royal Ornithological Society.
- (Raspberries) Und now, here ve have ze proof zat ze dodo is alive und villing.
Listen.
(Phantom roars) (Raspberry) (Raspberries) Sank you.
Fortunately, the chairman, Lord Strikelentil, himself once a victim, recognised the sound and the recording was rushed to Scotland Yard.
Sergeant Bowles was desperately trying to carry on in the absence of his chief, the Inspector.
But he, too, was near breaking point.
(Phantom roaring) (Raspberries) 0h, yeah, that's him all right.
We'll just wait here till he comes out.
(Raspberries) But such was the shortage of good men, that Inspector Corner and Sergeant Bowles had to be returned to duty, immediately.
0h, you're back.
I'll just put the kettle on.
A letter was delivered to Scotland Yard four hours later.
- (Laughter) - The Inspector was already working on another tricky assignment when Sergeant Bowles interrupted.
Excuse me, sir! 0h, what is it, Bowles? Can't you see I'm questioning an eye witness? It's this letter, sir, it's urgent.
(Sighs) There we are, Hughes.
Don't let it happen again.
No, Inspector.
Any time.
Has the kettle boiled yet? Yes, sir, I'll make you a cup.
Are you gonna read it? No, I'm going to drink it.
I'm a little bit parched 0h, sorry, yes, indeed, I am going to read it.
Yes.
0h, dear.
"Dear Inspector, you will never catch me alive, ha, ha, ha.
"Come along to the graveyard at midnight.
I will reveal my true identity.
"The Phantom Raspberry etc, etc.
" Will you go, sir? - I must.
- Alone? - Alone.
- Then I'm coming with you.
Good.
Then we'll go alone together.
Midnight.
What a dastardly hour.
- We must act fast.
- I'm acting as fast as I can, sir.
Bowles, who gave you this note? The old flower seller what sits by the Hippodrome, sir.
The Hippodrome? Great heavens! That's where Her Majesty is in hiding.
- What, sir? - Don't you remember? She's playing the lead in Charley's Aunt.
We've little time to lose.
- No, sir.
- We must go on our way to the graveyard.
I'll catch the 20 past eleven bus.
What time does it go, sir? Quarter to twelve, I think.
0i, what about your uniform, sir? Don't worry, Bowles, this is a plains clothes job.
Violets, lovely violets.
Violets, lovely violets.
Violets, lovely violets.
Lovely violets.
Who'll buy a flower from a poor girl? You wait on the corner, Bowles.
Are you the flower seller? Course I am, governor.
His Lordship there just bought some, didn't you? Yes, yes, yes.
But trade's very bad.
0h, very bad! I've only took thruppence all night.
You've got a kind face.
Will you give me a shilling for a bed, governor? I might do.
Bring it out, let's have a look at it.
0h, you're cruel, you are.
'Ere, 'ere, try a nice carnation, they're lovely.
No, thanks, I've already had my supper.
Tell me, did a gentleman give you this? Yeah, a tall man dressed in a topper and a cloak, took the bus over there, the one that goes to the cemetery.
I see.
So he's not bluffing.
Well, where he goes, we follow.
'Ere, ain't you going to give me nothing for me trouble? Here we are.
Take a couple of those.
They might cure it.
Ah! Dulcie, you gorgeous creature.
Hello, Lord Peter.
I got your note, Lord Peter.
And what is your answer, you dearest little thing? Well, when a girl is offered a country cottage, a diamond bracelet and a fur wrap, and all she's got to do is just, well, what you said in your note, well, the only possible answer is (Raspberry) 0h, I say! Good lord, look here, steady on, really, what was that? (Manic laughter) You know what that was, don't you? That was him! That was (Narrator) The Phantom Raspberry Blower of Old London Town.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Barbara Dickson.
# Why does the sun go on shining? # Why does the sea rush to shore? # Don't they know # It's the end of the world # Cos you don't love me any more? # Why do the birds go on singing? # Why do the stars glow above? # Don't they know # It's the end of the world? # It ended when I lost your love # I wake up in the morning and I wonder # Why everything's the same as it was # I can't understand # No, I can't understand # Why life goes on the way it does # Why does my heart go on beating? # Why do these eyes of mine cry? # Don't they know # It's the end of the world # It ended when we said goodbye # Why does my heart go on beating? # Why do these eyes of mine cry? # Don't they know # It's the end of the world? # It ended when we said goodbye # Goodbye # Goodbye # (Applause) And now, over to the 0val for the cricket.
(As John Arlott) Thank you very much.
Well, in fact, we're not at the 0val as you can see because unfortunately bad light closed play early and we popped round here to the Almumbo restaurant for a quick bite.
And I must say, the Almumbo is as full tonight as I've ever seen it.
Richie, have you ever seen the Almumbo quite as full as this? (Australian accent) Er, no, no, I don't think I have, John.
I, er It certainly is very full here tonight.
I think probably because there are so many people here.
I think that would account for it.
I should there must be upwards of nearly 30 people here, now.
- And you, Peter? - Yes, yes, I think that is so.
I see the waiter coming towards us now, from the cocktail bar end.
He's moving in, in between the tables, with that slow, almost lolloping walk of his and as he comes in towards our table, over to you, John.
Yes, here's a really wonderful example of a very accurate slow waiter, coming here with this lovely lazy action and he's about to hand me the menu.
You'll notice he's bending as he does so and he hands me Thank you very much indeed.
Richie, did you notice by the way, that he happens to be a left-hander? Er, yes, er, I did, I did notice that, John, in fact, yes.
I thought he was going to transfer it to his right but he hung onto it with his left and I think that must be fairly uncommon.
Yes, perhaps John Hammond can tell us exactly how many left-handed waiters there are in this part of London.
And while John's working that out, we can have a little look at the menu.
Yes, well, yes, well, there it is.
- I see the ice cream has just gone up.
- Yes.
I notice also that the minestrone and the chicken risotto are back on the menu.
What do you make of that, John? Well, I'm very pleased to see that minestrone back on there.
It's the sort of thing this meal really needed.
I'm pleased they've dropped the suet pudding, I'm glad of that, and I'm frankly quite amazed to see that chicken risotto getting a second chance.
Richie, you had experience of the chicken risotto in Australia last year.
- What did you think of it then? - Well, er, Peter, I think it's very easy to underestimate the risotto.
The ingredients are all there, you could fare a lot worse.
0f course, there is the question of the runs to be considered.
I'm very pleased indeed to see that they decided to drop the fried haddock.
Apparently, that was found to be off colour late last night.
Yes, of course, if you want something solid, you can't do better than the roast beef with the full weight of Yorkshire behind it.
Yes, all right, though, personally, there you are, I think I shall go for the minestrone and the chicken risotto, - with a follow-on - I'm going to stop you there, Peter, because, in fact, Richie has just put his finger right in the mustard there.
Yes, I certainly did, there, John.
I was just reaching out to get the olives and I stuck my thumb in the mustard.
Perhaps we could see that again.
Do you think we could see that again? There we are, now.
The hand is coming over the sauce bottle, going for the olives and right into the mustard.
He's gone right into it, there, look at that Yes.
Indeed.
(Applause) getting that little bit of turn off the table.
Well, in fact we're back live now, we're back live and Joss Hammond has just told me that apparently there are 28 left-handed waiters in this part of London and 16 of those have beards.
0h, dear.
I'll have to stop you, there, John.
I have in fact now knocked over a glass of beer.
- You knocked it right over, Richie? - Yes, I certainly did, John.
I just reached out, put my hand down on the table and the whole thing Er, now Now the table has broken.
The whole side of it's collapsed, I'm afraid Well, this is something I'm sure none of us had envisaged.
The complete and total collapse of the side, it's all just happening Now, what about this, Peter? Well, that certainly is an extraordinary spell for Richie.
In 30 seconds, he's put his thumb right in the mustard, he knocked over his own beer and smashed the table.
Yes, perhaps Joss Hammond can tell us when this last happened at the Almumbo.
- If indeed it ever has.
- If indeed it ever has.
Well, now the manager is having a word with Richie - and I think we're being asked to leave.
- I think we are being asked.
We are being asked to leave, yes, I'm sure we are.
- Yes.
0h! - Yes, well, the meal is over.
We are being asked to leave.
The manager has now got me by the coat and Joss Hammond tells me that the manager is also a left-hander and (Applause) (Crashing and clattering) And now, back to the studio.
(Applause) Now here is the late news.
After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, Chief Inspector McTavish has announced that he is looking for a man with one eye.
If he doesn't find him, he's going to use both eyes.
And the perfect crime was committed last night, when thieves broke into Scotland Yard and stole all the toilets.
Police say they've absolutely nothing to go on.
(Applause) Mr Earnest Quigley, the winner of the sponsored hairdressing marathon, who has had his hair permed and set non-stop for 73 hours, was today described as completely and utterly lacquered.
It has been revealed in a report laid before the International 0lympic Committee that at the last 0lympic Games several athletes took steroids, the Russian Anna Volgus took aneroids, Antony Armstrong-Jones took Polaroids and David Hemery didn't take anything.
Thank you.
Here's a Here's a funny story.
Listen to this.
It's about It's about a chap who has been out of circulation, you know, for about 20 years.
I don't like to say he's been in prison because it's not very nice, is it, really? Although, come to think of it, there is someone not a million miles from here who is making a marvellous living from that very same subject, so er So So why not? After all, that is the way it was told to me at the BBC party last night, you know.
Somebody said, "'Ere, Ron, there's this geezer "who's been banged up in a poky, doing his porridge" and No, it wasn't Angela Rippon.
No.
But you're warm.
By the way, I think I should point out to any worried viewers that the licence money is not being wasted at our parties.
0h, no, no, no, no, no, no.
0oh, I wish I hadn't done that.
I think one of my eyes has come a bit loose.
Anyway, I can assure you that not one penny is wasted.
Because we enjoy every minute of it.
And in any case, you mustn't think that the BBC party department dish out beer money just like that, you know.
I mean, you have to have a good reason.
So last night we celebrated the bicentenary of the return of Halley's comet.
Although I actually don't know whether he ever did get it back.
But it's the thought that counts.
No, wait a minute, I'm sorry, I'm telling a lie.
Sorry, sorry.
That was the night before, you know.
Last night's party was for old Charlie, that was it.
0ld Charlie, who's just completed 25 years in the Television Centre car park.
Yes.
Although I think he should've known better and parked out in the road.
Anyway I got it wrong again, that's tonight.
I'll get it right in a minute.
That is tonight.
Last night we were celebrating the 900th anniversary of the death of St Nathan the Ne'er-do-well.
The first Jewish Druid.
Well, he was the man who put up all the money for Stonehenge, you know.
The building of which, I may say, gave many of our ancestors something that they had never had before.
A hernia.
Anyway I know Anyway, I remember that was the occasion because the young generation did the dance of the seven virgins, entirely from memory and Because we didn't have any music.
No, please, don't make up your own jokes, otherwise you'll give this show a bad name.
Anyway And later in the evening, the BBC chaplain, I remember, he came in to give us a blessing.
You know.
But he couldn't make himself heard and he gave up halfway.
And I was dancing with the producer's wife.
She said, "Fancy that!" she says, "It's only nine o'clock "and I'm half blessed.
" Anyway Anyway, somebody told me this joke.
I'm rather surprised I remembered it because it was at the end of the evening and we were well into injury time.
Er, the story concerns a chap The story concerns a chap who was in prison for about 20 years and upon his release, he returned to his home, you see, where he discovered a receipt for a pair of boots that he had taken to be repaired the day he went away, and, incidentally, that he'd forgotten to leave a note for the milkman.
And he is now very big in the yoghurt game.
However, a few A few days later, he happened to be passing a little shoe repair shop where he'd left the boots 20 years previously.
He thought, "Well, you never know, they might still be there, "it's worth a try.
" So he went in and he said to the old cobbler, he said, "I know you'll think this is rather unusual but I've been incarcerated in Her Majesty's nick for 20 years "for certain naughties that I committed and which I won't go into at this moment.
" And the old cobbler, thinking he's going to be touched for a few bob, put his hand up like that.
A gesture inherited from his mother, who'd been frightened by a lollipop lady.
The old cobbler said, "I'm sorry but I can't afford to give you anything.
"Can't you see? I'm down to my last last.
" And the chap said The chap smiled and said, "No, I don't think you understand.
What I'm trying to say I've got this ticket for a pair of boots I left here all those years ago and I was wondering if you'd still got them.
The old cobbler took the ticket and he said, "A pair of brown shoes? Brown boots? "Soled, heeled, bit of stitching round the toecap.
" Chap said, "That's right.
" Cobbler said, "They'll be ready Wednesday.
" (Applause) (# Military band plays march) 0h! 0h, I'll have to stop a minute.
0h! 0h, dear! (Strains and groans) Fair puffs you out, don't it? What, climbing up that hill? No, getting your hanky out.
Still, fresh air does us good.
Yes, I like a bit of a walk.
Yeah.
You know, it's the Queen's birthday today, you know? How old is she now? Well, I was trying to work it out.
She was She was born in 1820, so that makes her about 156.
- What? - Fancy being that age.
I should think she's very glad she's not alive.
Yes.
Mind you, she was always older than us.
I should think she was, yeah.
Some of them girls as we used to know, they must be getting on a bit, and all.
Yes.
My little sister's 78, you know.
- Is she? 78? - Yes.
Doesn't seem a minute ago, does it, Albert? No, you and me used to get around a lot of girls in them days, didn't we? - Yes.
- Well, I did.
You used to say you did.
Yeah.
What are you talking about? I loved 'em all.
Beautiful girls, they was.
Do you remember Do you remember the French girls? - What was their names again? - Madeleine and Millicent.
That's it, yes, that's it.
0h! # Madeleine come from Armentieres, parlay voo # Madeleine loved the navy and army, too # She surrendered every night # But she never went down without a fight # Inky pinky parlay voo # Millicent came from Clapham Road, Waterloo # She was a girl who did what she ought to do # To officers, she was always prone but the privates they were left alone # Inky pinky Waterloo # - Ah.
- Do you remember Daisy? - Eh? - I remember them all, yes.
# Daisy, Daisy # How can we ever wed? # You're so lazy, you never get out of bed # I bet it would be much quicker # If I brought along the vicar # For the honeymoon this afternoon # And just let him say grace instead # Mary, Mary # Lived with her aunt at Crewe # Strong and hairy # Stood about six foot two # I told her I'd never marry # She changed her name to Harry # Her great big feet now pound the beat # Cos she's one of our boys in blue # Surbiton Katie was terribly matey # In the yard, she wants to sweep me off me feet # But her f-father got into a lather # And he kicked me up the c-c-c-cobbled street # (# Sentimental trumpet tune) # I first met Ivy when I was quite small # She was the other side of an 18-foot wall # She tried to entice me with a sweet night of sin # So I took a run at it # And pole-vaulted in # I fell in love with Mary from the dairy # And little Mary fell in love with me # She was such a pretty sight in the cowshed every night # The pull of every udder made my shudder with delight # She was the very cream of all the dairies # I married her, now I'm the biggest clot # It's no wonder that I'm frail # And I feel a little pale # Cos she's milking me for everything I've got # - 0h, dear, oh, dear.
- (Applause) - 0h.
0h, dear.
- 0h 0h, dear, so many of them.
Where are they all now, eh? - Where are they all? - 'Ere, do you remember Phyllis Hooter? - Who? - The Honourable Phyllis Hooter.
Don't you remember? That posh girl we met at the railway station.
0h, yes.
We had our dress uniforms on, she didn't know we were ordinary people.
She asked us to that big dance in her house.
0h, yeah, that's it.
We had a good old time there.
0oh, yeah.
There were lots of girls there, wasn't there, eh? 0h, yeah.
You remember.
Yes, not half.
I can remember all their names.
# There was Jean, there was June, there was Janet, there was Jennifer # And Jane and Joyce and Jacqueline and Juliet and Joan # There was Lily who was silly, there was Bessie who was messy # There was Annie with her granny and Fanny on her own # And they all stood around looking rather ineffectual # Their feet close together and their bottoms to the walls # And some of them were thick and others intellectual # And some were fairly sexual and others weren't at all # There was Claire, there was Chris, there Connie and Clarissa # And Cecilia and Charity and Caroline and Kate # There was shrinking little Violet who doesn't want to marry yet # And bulging little Harriet who can't afford to wait # And Melissa, you could kiss her, you could meddle with Marisa # And Vanessa, you could press her and caress against the wall # You could have fun with Nicola but if you tried to tickle her # You'd end up with Virginia who wouldn't do at all # There was Nora, Dora, Thora, Gloria, Flora and Felicity # The sweetness and simplicity enchanting one and all # Though we fancied every one of them # We finished up with none of them # We both went home together from Phyllis Hooter's ball # We both went home together from Phyllis Hooter's ball # - Whoo! Yeah.
- (Applause) Yeah.
0h, yes.
0h, yes.
Nothing.
Still, still, it's lovely to look back on, isn't it? 0h, yes, yes.
Well, I think we'd better get off back home.
You're getting too excited.
I can feel the chair vibrating.
No, not me, old son, not any more.
All I'm interested in tonight is me dinner.
Yes.
Yes, I'm afraid it's goodbye to all that now.
Yeah.
Goodbye, little girls.
- Goodbye.
- Yes.
# Goodbye, girlies, we must leave you # Though it breaks our hearts to go # We're no longer in the running # Cos we're past it now, you know # We just think about the old times # Each dog has its day # We'll remember with affection # 'Ere, come on, Albert, it's my turn in the pram.
That's more like it.
Ah! # Goodbye, Dolly Gray # (Applause) Well, that's all for this week.
Next week, we'll discuss the question, what should you tip the porter in an all-male nudist camp and would a pound note cover it? And we will show excerpts from the films the BBC are showing this autumn.
The famous children's film Chitty Chitty Bang Bang will be followed by a film about orgies at the University of 0xford, entitled Witty City Gang Bang.
Then there's a cartoon about two cats who go shooting, called Kitty Kitty Bang Bang.
And finally, there will be film about Raquel Welch and an exploding bra.
Perhaps viewers can think of a title for that.
But that's all we've time for.
- So it's good night from me.
- And it's good night from him.
- Good night.
- Good night.
(Applause)
And in a packed programme tonight, we meet a scientist who crossed the theories of Sigmund Freud with those of Albert Einstein and got sex at the speed of light.
And for the ladies tonight, we talk about rum babas and what to wear if you've got them.
But first, the news.
Following the dispute with the domestic servants union at Buckingham Palace, the Queen, a radiant figure in white silk gown and crimson robe, swept down the main staircase and through the hall.
She then dusted the cloakroom and hoovered the lounge.
In a dramatic incident in the House of Commons last night, Mr Cyril Smith rose from the Liberal front bench and the rest of the party fell off the other end.
And we've just heard that the price of British Rail coffee is to go up to 15p a slice.
The powerful secret society known as the Lords of the Universe held their annual meeting last night.
Their president, the Lord Chief Controller and Commander 0ver All Living Things was unable to be present.
His wife wouldn't let him out.
The next event was the annual general meeting of the Society For People Who Think They Are Methods 0f Transport.
It's patrons are Mr Robert Carr and Mr Michael Foot.
Mr Foot arrived by car and Mr Carr arrived on foot.
Mr Foot launched proceedings by hitting a man who thinks he's an ocean liner over the head with a bottle of champagne.
He then hailed a woman who thinks she's a taxi, boarded her and left.
The whole venture is financed by someone who wishes to remain an omnibus.
In the next sketch, I interview a lady who likes Nicholas Parsons.
And I interview a parson who likes knickerless ladies.
(Applause) - Good afternoon.
- Good afternoon.
I'd like to enrol for one of your night classes, please.
Yes.
Now, what sort of course were you thinking of taking? Poisoning.
- Pardon? - Poisoning.
- I want to learn how to poison things.
- We don't have a poisoning course.
- Ah, well, chemistry, then.
- Chemistry, yes.
Yes.
Chemistry with access to the poison cupboard.
0ur chemistry course doesn't run as far as the poison cupboard.
What about something else, something like metal work? - 0h, will that include knife sharpening? - It might well.
- And axe grinding? - No, no, no.
I suggest you keep away from that sort of thing.
- Why? Why? - Well, it's not normal, you know.
Not normal? I'm perfectly normal.
I'm a normal human being who just wants to know how to sharpen a knife, so that its blade glints in the sunlight, as I smash it down on her 0n whatever I smash it down on - a pork chop or something like that.
No, no.
What about first aid? 0h! How to remove blood stains from clothing? No, no, not that.
What about Knots and Hitches? - Ah, slip knots? - No, no.
Needlework, then? - Hypodermic needlework? - No, no, no.
- Why not learn an instrument? - Ah, yes.
- A blunt instrument.
- No, no.
Why do you want to learn all these dreadful things? - I'm writing a book on it.
- A book? Yes.
How To Murder The Woman At 49 Ashley Gardens And 0ther Stories.
- 49 Ashley Gardens? - Yes.
Do you know it? - I know the road, yes.
- Well, I live at 49 Ashley Gardens and my wife is being unfaithful to me.
- Really? - Yes.
A little chap with glasses.
0h.
What's that got to do with me? Nothing.
Nothing at all.
It's just that I want to learn about it to write a book, you see, and you're the person who can tell me about night classes.
0f course.
I'm the person who tells you about night classes.
- Yes, quite.
- What I do in my own time is my own affair.
0h, yes.
Mind you, my wife's affairs are far from private.
- Really? - My wife's affairs are public.
- She's ultra-friendly.
- What? Every man in the road and two in the crescent and four up the avenue.
The skinny ginger-haired little tart.
An accurate description.
Look, sir, why don't you have a nice weekend in Brighton, something bracing? - Do you think so? - And when you come back on Monday, perhaps you'll have something to write a book about.
- 0h, all right, then.
I'll go to Brighton.
- See you on Monday.
- See you Monday, then.
- Yes, indeed.
Bye-bye.
Hello, Daphne? He's just been in, yes.
Yes, I've managed to persuade him to go to Brighton for the weekend, so I'll see you tonight, my dearest.
Hello, is that 0utdoor Activities? It's Frobisher here.
Have you a gardening course going? 0nly I wanted to learn how to dig a big hole, six-foot deep by 38-24-36.
(Applause) Good evening.
I'm from the Ministry of Sex Equality.
And I'm here tonight to explain the situation, man to man.
0r, as we have to say now, person to person.
My name is Mr stroke Mrs Barker but I don't advise any of you to try it.
Stroking Mrs Barker, that is.
Now, due to this new law, no one is allowed to be called male or female, man or woman.
This has already caused a great deal of argument in parliament, so they're going for a parliamentary conference at Manchester, or as we now say, Personchester.
They will all stay in a nudist colony and air their differences.
Members only, of course.
But how does this affect you? Is it easy to become unsexed? Well, it can be done and I represent the proof, or at least half of me does.
The other half represents the poof.
Well, the first thing we have to realise is that for too long, women have been beneath men, not only in the home but in the office as well.
And there are many ways in which we can change that.
Vertical desk tops, for a start.
Now, the main area of change, of course, will be in the language.
The man in the street will become the person in the street.
Whoever you are, man or woman, you will be the person in the street.
Incidentally, when I was in the street, I nearly fell down a person hole, so be careful.
Now, certain professions will have their names changed, from the chair person of a large company, right down to the humble dust person.
Not be confused with the famous film star, Dustin Hoffperson.
Now speaking of films, there will be special films made showing the equality of the sexes.
Already in production, a new musical called Seven Persons For Seven 0ther Persons.
Starring Paul Newperson with choreography by Robert Helpperson.
And music by Persontovani And His 0rchestra.
Now, dress.
Dress, of course, you won't be expected to dress like this.
This sort of costume is much too expensive.
Half a nicker certainly doesn't cover it.
No Each person can of course choose what to wear, provided it includes the customary shirt, bra, underpants and handbag.
Shoes can be black or brown according to taste.
I find that black shoes taste better than brown ones.
Jobs, too, will be entirely sexless, with one or two obvious exceptions.
"What are they?" you may ask.
You may ask but I'm not telling you on this programme.
Here is a clue.
They have jam on them and appear at tea time.
(Mouths) Now, a job must be open to either a whatsit or a whosit, that is, of either sex.
For instance, certain advertisements will not be allowed.
I have one here in the local paper and it says, if I can find it 0h, yes.
"Bar staff required for West Country pub, male or female, "must have big boobs.
" Now, that won't be passed by the Ministry.
What they should've said was, "Bar staff required, male or female, "must be attractive, in the Bristol area.
" That would've got past.
The recent idea by the Ministry to avoid confusion is to call a man a doings and a woman a thingy.
This offends no one and makes conversation clearer.
Thus we instantly recognise the book called Little Thingies or the musical called My Fair Thingy or the play by George Bernard Shaw called Doings and Superdoings.
There are times, however, when it's better to stick to the word "person".
The person in the street is better than the doings in the street, of course.
That's something to look out for and steer clear of.
Finally, finally, don't let this new law alter your life.
After all, what's in a name, as the great John??? Once remarked.
I know that whatever we're called, my own dear thingy and myself will carry on as usual, wearing each other's clothes, and that however we the people are thought of by the Ministry, tonight, all over Britain, all those thingies and doings will be together in front of the fire as usual.
Good night.
(Applause) London, 1899.
The Phantom's attacks, which were distressing the gentlefolk of London by their suddenness and ferocity, continue.
First, the butler at Number 10.
(Raspberry) John Brown, the Queen's faithful retainer.
(Raspberry) Mr Disraeli.
(Raspberry) And now the latest attack on the meeting of all the heads of state at Number 10 Downing Street.
(Raspberries) Inspector Corner of the Yard worked tirelessly on the case.
(Raspberry) But this last blow was too much.
He broke down and was sent to a gentleman's rest home in Sussex and promoted to emperor.
(Shrieking) - A grave setback.
- (Shrieking) But for once, fortune smiled on the police.
At dusk on the 7th of September, Ludwig von Koch, the famous Chinese ornithologist, was recording the sound of a kosher nightjar on Hampstead Heath.
(Woman) 0oh, stop that.
0oh, you are naughty! (Man) 0h, come on.
(Woman) What are you like? (Raspberry) (Raspberry) By chance, the Professor had picked up the sound of the Phantom.
Believing it to be the mating call of the extinct dodo, von Koch played the recording back to an enthralled audience - at the Royal Ornithological Society.
- (Raspberries) Und now, here ve have ze proof zat ze dodo is alive und villing.
Listen.
(Phantom roars) (Raspberry) (Raspberries) Sank you.
Fortunately, the chairman, Lord Strikelentil, himself once a victim, recognised the sound and the recording was rushed to Scotland Yard.
Sergeant Bowles was desperately trying to carry on in the absence of his chief, the Inspector.
But he, too, was near breaking point.
(Phantom roaring) (Raspberries) 0h, yeah, that's him all right.
We'll just wait here till he comes out.
(Raspberries) But such was the shortage of good men, that Inspector Corner and Sergeant Bowles had to be returned to duty, immediately.
0h, you're back.
I'll just put the kettle on.
A letter was delivered to Scotland Yard four hours later.
- (Laughter) - The Inspector was already working on another tricky assignment when Sergeant Bowles interrupted.
Excuse me, sir! 0h, what is it, Bowles? Can't you see I'm questioning an eye witness? It's this letter, sir, it's urgent.
(Sighs) There we are, Hughes.
Don't let it happen again.
No, Inspector.
Any time.
Has the kettle boiled yet? Yes, sir, I'll make you a cup.
Are you gonna read it? No, I'm going to drink it.
I'm a little bit parched 0h, sorry, yes, indeed, I am going to read it.
Yes.
0h, dear.
"Dear Inspector, you will never catch me alive, ha, ha, ha.
"Come along to the graveyard at midnight.
I will reveal my true identity.
"The Phantom Raspberry etc, etc.
" Will you go, sir? - I must.
- Alone? - Alone.
- Then I'm coming with you.
Good.
Then we'll go alone together.
Midnight.
What a dastardly hour.
- We must act fast.
- I'm acting as fast as I can, sir.
Bowles, who gave you this note? The old flower seller what sits by the Hippodrome, sir.
The Hippodrome? Great heavens! That's where Her Majesty is in hiding.
- What, sir? - Don't you remember? She's playing the lead in Charley's Aunt.
We've little time to lose.
- No, sir.
- We must go on our way to the graveyard.
I'll catch the 20 past eleven bus.
What time does it go, sir? Quarter to twelve, I think.
0i, what about your uniform, sir? Don't worry, Bowles, this is a plains clothes job.
Violets, lovely violets.
Violets, lovely violets.
Violets, lovely violets.
Lovely violets.
Who'll buy a flower from a poor girl? You wait on the corner, Bowles.
Are you the flower seller? Course I am, governor.
His Lordship there just bought some, didn't you? Yes, yes, yes.
But trade's very bad.
0h, very bad! I've only took thruppence all night.
You've got a kind face.
Will you give me a shilling for a bed, governor? I might do.
Bring it out, let's have a look at it.
0h, you're cruel, you are.
'Ere, 'ere, try a nice carnation, they're lovely.
No, thanks, I've already had my supper.
Tell me, did a gentleman give you this? Yeah, a tall man dressed in a topper and a cloak, took the bus over there, the one that goes to the cemetery.
I see.
So he's not bluffing.
Well, where he goes, we follow.
'Ere, ain't you going to give me nothing for me trouble? Here we are.
Take a couple of those.
They might cure it.
Ah! Dulcie, you gorgeous creature.
Hello, Lord Peter.
I got your note, Lord Peter.
And what is your answer, you dearest little thing? Well, when a girl is offered a country cottage, a diamond bracelet and a fur wrap, and all she's got to do is just, well, what you said in your note, well, the only possible answer is (Raspberry) 0h, I say! Good lord, look here, steady on, really, what was that? (Manic laughter) You know what that was, don't you? That was him! That was (Narrator) The Phantom Raspberry Blower of Old London Town.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Barbara Dickson.
# Why does the sun go on shining? # Why does the sea rush to shore? # Don't they know # It's the end of the world # Cos you don't love me any more? # Why do the birds go on singing? # Why do the stars glow above? # Don't they know # It's the end of the world? # It ended when I lost your love # I wake up in the morning and I wonder # Why everything's the same as it was # I can't understand # No, I can't understand # Why life goes on the way it does # Why does my heart go on beating? # Why do these eyes of mine cry? # Don't they know # It's the end of the world # It ended when we said goodbye # Why does my heart go on beating? # Why do these eyes of mine cry? # Don't they know # It's the end of the world? # It ended when we said goodbye # Goodbye # Goodbye # (Applause) And now, over to the 0val for the cricket.
(As John Arlott) Thank you very much.
Well, in fact, we're not at the 0val as you can see because unfortunately bad light closed play early and we popped round here to the Almumbo restaurant for a quick bite.
And I must say, the Almumbo is as full tonight as I've ever seen it.
Richie, have you ever seen the Almumbo quite as full as this? (Australian accent) Er, no, no, I don't think I have, John.
I, er It certainly is very full here tonight.
I think probably because there are so many people here.
I think that would account for it.
I should there must be upwards of nearly 30 people here, now.
- And you, Peter? - Yes, yes, I think that is so.
I see the waiter coming towards us now, from the cocktail bar end.
He's moving in, in between the tables, with that slow, almost lolloping walk of his and as he comes in towards our table, over to you, John.
Yes, here's a really wonderful example of a very accurate slow waiter, coming here with this lovely lazy action and he's about to hand me the menu.
You'll notice he's bending as he does so and he hands me Thank you very much indeed.
Richie, did you notice by the way, that he happens to be a left-hander? Er, yes, er, I did, I did notice that, John, in fact, yes.
I thought he was going to transfer it to his right but he hung onto it with his left and I think that must be fairly uncommon.
Yes, perhaps John Hammond can tell us exactly how many left-handed waiters there are in this part of London.
And while John's working that out, we can have a little look at the menu.
Yes, well, yes, well, there it is.
- I see the ice cream has just gone up.
- Yes.
I notice also that the minestrone and the chicken risotto are back on the menu.
What do you make of that, John? Well, I'm very pleased to see that minestrone back on there.
It's the sort of thing this meal really needed.
I'm pleased they've dropped the suet pudding, I'm glad of that, and I'm frankly quite amazed to see that chicken risotto getting a second chance.
Richie, you had experience of the chicken risotto in Australia last year.
- What did you think of it then? - Well, er, Peter, I think it's very easy to underestimate the risotto.
The ingredients are all there, you could fare a lot worse.
0f course, there is the question of the runs to be considered.
I'm very pleased indeed to see that they decided to drop the fried haddock.
Apparently, that was found to be off colour late last night.
Yes, of course, if you want something solid, you can't do better than the roast beef with the full weight of Yorkshire behind it.
Yes, all right, though, personally, there you are, I think I shall go for the minestrone and the chicken risotto, - with a follow-on - I'm going to stop you there, Peter, because, in fact, Richie has just put his finger right in the mustard there.
Yes, I certainly did, there, John.
I was just reaching out to get the olives and I stuck my thumb in the mustard.
Perhaps we could see that again.
Do you think we could see that again? There we are, now.
The hand is coming over the sauce bottle, going for the olives and right into the mustard.
He's gone right into it, there, look at that Yes.
Indeed.
(Applause) getting that little bit of turn off the table.
Well, in fact we're back live now, we're back live and Joss Hammond has just told me that apparently there are 28 left-handed waiters in this part of London and 16 of those have beards.
0h, dear.
I'll have to stop you, there, John.
I have in fact now knocked over a glass of beer.
- You knocked it right over, Richie? - Yes, I certainly did, John.
I just reached out, put my hand down on the table and the whole thing Er, now Now the table has broken.
The whole side of it's collapsed, I'm afraid Well, this is something I'm sure none of us had envisaged.
The complete and total collapse of the side, it's all just happening Now, what about this, Peter? Well, that certainly is an extraordinary spell for Richie.
In 30 seconds, he's put his thumb right in the mustard, he knocked over his own beer and smashed the table.
Yes, perhaps Joss Hammond can tell us when this last happened at the Almumbo.
- If indeed it ever has.
- If indeed it ever has.
Well, now the manager is having a word with Richie - and I think we're being asked to leave.
- I think we are being asked.
We are being asked to leave, yes, I'm sure we are.
- Yes.
0h! - Yes, well, the meal is over.
We are being asked to leave.
The manager has now got me by the coat and Joss Hammond tells me that the manager is also a left-hander and (Applause) (Crashing and clattering) And now, back to the studio.
(Applause) Now here is the late news.
After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, Chief Inspector McTavish has announced that he is looking for a man with one eye.
If he doesn't find him, he's going to use both eyes.
And the perfect crime was committed last night, when thieves broke into Scotland Yard and stole all the toilets.
Police say they've absolutely nothing to go on.
(Applause) Mr Earnest Quigley, the winner of the sponsored hairdressing marathon, who has had his hair permed and set non-stop for 73 hours, was today described as completely and utterly lacquered.
It has been revealed in a report laid before the International 0lympic Committee that at the last 0lympic Games several athletes took steroids, the Russian Anna Volgus took aneroids, Antony Armstrong-Jones took Polaroids and David Hemery didn't take anything.
Thank you.
Here's a Here's a funny story.
Listen to this.
It's about It's about a chap who has been out of circulation, you know, for about 20 years.
I don't like to say he's been in prison because it's not very nice, is it, really? Although, come to think of it, there is someone not a million miles from here who is making a marvellous living from that very same subject, so er So So why not? After all, that is the way it was told to me at the BBC party last night, you know.
Somebody said, "'Ere, Ron, there's this geezer "who's been banged up in a poky, doing his porridge" and No, it wasn't Angela Rippon.
No.
But you're warm.
By the way, I think I should point out to any worried viewers that the licence money is not being wasted at our parties.
0h, no, no, no, no, no, no.
0oh, I wish I hadn't done that.
I think one of my eyes has come a bit loose.
Anyway, I can assure you that not one penny is wasted.
Because we enjoy every minute of it.
And in any case, you mustn't think that the BBC party department dish out beer money just like that, you know.
I mean, you have to have a good reason.
So last night we celebrated the bicentenary of the return of Halley's comet.
Although I actually don't know whether he ever did get it back.
But it's the thought that counts.
No, wait a minute, I'm sorry, I'm telling a lie.
Sorry, sorry.
That was the night before, you know.
Last night's party was for old Charlie, that was it.
0ld Charlie, who's just completed 25 years in the Television Centre car park.
Yes.
Although I think he should've known better and parked out in the road.
Anyway I got it wrong again, that's tonight.
I'll get it right in a minute.
That is tonight.
Last night we were celebrating the 900th anniversary of the death of St Nathan the Ne'er-do-well.
The first Jewish Druid.
Well, he was the man who put up all the money for Stonehenge, you know.
The building of which, I may say, gave many of our ancestors something that they had never had before.
A hernia.
Anyway I know Anyway, I remember that was the occasion because the young generation did the dance of the seven virgins, entirely from memory and Because we didn't have any music.
No, please, don't make up your own jokes, otherwise you'll give this show a bad name.
Anyway And later in the evening, the BBC chaplain, I remember, he came in to give us a blessing.
You know.
But he couldn't make himself heard and he gave up halfway.
And I was dancing with the producer's wife.
She said, "Fancy that!" she says, "It's only nine o'clock "and I'm half blessed.
" Anyway Anyway, somebody told me this joke.
I'm rather surprised I remembered it because it was at the end of the evening and we were well into injury time.
Er, the story concerns a chap The story concerns a chap who was in prison for about 20 years and upon his release, he returned to his home, you see, where he discovered a receipt for a pair of boots that he had taken to be repaired the day he went away, and, incidentally, that he'd forgotten to leave a note for the milkman.
And he is now very big in the yoghurt game.
However, a few A few days later, he happened to be passing a little shoe repair shop where he'd left the boots 20 years previously.
He thought, "Well, you never know, they might still be there, "it's worth a try.
" So he went in and he said to the old cobbler, he said, "I know you'll think this is rather unusual but I've been incarcerated in Her Majesty's nick for 20 years "for certain naughties that I committed and which I won't go into at this moment.
" And the old cobbler, thinking he's going to be touched for a few bob, put his hand up like that.
A gesture inherited from his mother, who'd been frightened by a lollipop lady.
The old cobbler said, "I'm sorry but I can't afford to give you anything.
"Can't you see? I'm down to my last last.
" And the chap said The chap smiled and said, "No, I don't think you understand.
What I'm trying to say I've got this ticket for a pair of boots I left here all those years ago and I was wondering if you'd still got them.
The old cobbler took the ticket and he said, "A pair of brown shoes? Brown boots? "Soled, heeled, bit of stitching round the toecap.
" Chap said, "That's right.
" Cobbler said, "They'll be ready Wednesday.
" (Applause) (# Military band plays march) 0h! 0h, I'll have to stop a minute.
0h! 0h, dear! (Strains and groans) Fair puffs you out, don't it? What, climbing up that hill? No, getting your hanky out.
Still, fresh air does us good.
Yes, I like a bit of a walk.
Yeah.
You know, it's the Queen's birthday today, you know? How old is she now? Well, I was trying to work it out.
She was She was born in 1820, so that makes her about 156.
- What? - Fancy being that age.
I should think she's very glad she's not alive.
Yes.
Mind you, she was always older than us.
I should think she was, yeah.
Some of them girls as we used to know, they must be getting on a bit, and all.
Yes.
My little sister's 78, you know.
- Is she? 78? - Yes.
Doesn't seem a minute ago, does it, Albert? No, you and me used to get around a lot of girls in them days, didn't we? - Yes.
- Well, I did.
You used to say you did.
Yeah.
What are you talking about? I loved 'em all.
Beautiful girls, they was.
Do you remember Do you remember the French girls? - What was their names again? - Madeleine and Millicent.
That's it, yes, that's it.
0h! # Madeleine come from Armentieres, parlay voo # Madeleine loved the navy and army, too # She surrendered every night # But she never went down without a fight # Inky pinky parlay voo # Millicent came from Clapham Road, Waterloo # She was a girl who did what she ought to do # To officers, she was always prone but the privates they were left alone # Inky pinky Waterloo # - Ah.
- Do you remember Daisy? - Eh? - I remember them all, yes.
# Daisy, Daisy # How can we ever wed? # You're so lazy, you never get out of bed # I bet it would be much quicker # If I brought along the vicar # For the honeymoon this afternoon # And just let him say grace instead # Mary, Mary # Lived with her aunt at Crewe # Strong and hairy # Stood about six foot two # I told her I'd never marry # She changed her name to Harry # Her great big feet now pound the beat # Cos she's one of our boys in blue # Surbiton Katie was terribly matey # In the yard, she wants to sweep me off me feet # But her f-father got into a lather # And he kicked me up the c-c-c-cobbled street # (# Sentimental trumpet tune) # I first met Ivy when I was quite small # She was the other side of an 18-foot wall # She tried to entice me with a sweet night of sin # So I took a run at it # And pole-vaulted in # I fell in love with Mary from the dairy # And little Mary fell in love with me # She was such a pretty sight in the cowshed every night # The pull of every udder made my shudder with delight # She was the very cream of all the dairies # I married her, now I'm the biggest clot # It's no wonder that I'm frail # And I feel a little pale # Cos she's milking me for everything I've got # - 0h, dear, oh, dear.
- (Applause) - 0h.
0h, dear.
- 0h 0h, dear, so many of them.
Where are they all now, eh? - Where are they all? - 'Ere, do you remember Phyllis Hooter? - Who? - The Honourable Phyllis Hooter.
Don't you remember? That posh girl we met at the railway station.
0h, yes.
We had our dress uniforms on, she didn't know we were ordinary people.
She asked us to that big dance in her house.
0h, yeah, that's it.
We had a good old time there.
0oh, yeah.
There were lots of girls there, wasn't there, eh? 0h, yeah.
You remember.
Yes, not half.
I can remember all their names.
# There was Jean, there was June, there was Janet, there was Jennifer # And Jane and Joyce and Jacqueline and Juliet and Joan # There was Lily who was silly, there was Bessie who was messy # There was Annie with her granny and Fanny on her own # And they all stood around looking rather ineffectual # Their feet close together and their bottoms to the walls # And some of them were thick and others intellectual # And some were fairly sexual and others weren't at all # There was Claire, there was Chris, there Connie and Clarissa # And Cecilia and Charity and Caroline and Kate # There was shrinking little Violet who doesn't want to marry yet # And bulging little Harriet who can't afford to wait # And Melissa, you could kiss her, you could meddle with Marisa # And Vanessa, you could press her and caress against the wall # You could have fun with Nicola but if you tried to tickle her # You'd end up with Virginia who wouldn't do at all # There was Nora, Dora, Thora, Gloria, Flora and Felicity # The sweetness and simplicity enchanting one and all # Though we fancied every one of them # We finished up with none of them # We both went home together from Phyllis Hooter's ball # We both went home together from Phyllis Hooter's ball # - Whoo! Yeah.
- (Applause) Yeah.
0h, yes.
0h, yes.
Nothing.
Still, still, it's lovely to look back on, isn't it? 0h, yes, yes.
Well, I think we'd better get off back home.
You're getting too excited.
I can feel the chair vibrating.
No, not me, old son, not any more.
All I'm interested in tonight is me dinner.
Yes.
Yes, I'm afraid it's goodbye to all that now.
Yeah.
Goodbye, little girls.
- Goodbye.
- Yes.
# Goodbye, girlies, we must leave you # Though it breaks our hearts to go # We're no longer in the running # Cos we're past it now, you know # We just think about the old times # Each dog has its day # We'll remember with affection # 'Ere, come on, Albert, it's my turn in the pram.
That's more like it.
Ah! # Goodbye, Dolly Gray # (Applause) Well, that's all for this week.
Next week, we'll discuss the question, what should you tip the porter in an all-male nudist camp and would a pound note cover it? And we will show excerpts from the films the BBC are showing this autumn.
The famous children's film Chitty Chitty Bang Bang will be followed by a film about orgies at the University of 0xford, entitled Witty City Gang Bang.
Then there's a cartoon about two cats who go shooting, called Kitty Kitty Bang Bang.
And finally, there will be film about Raquel Welch and an exploding bra.
Perhaps viewers can think of a title for that.
But that's all we've time for.
- So it's good night from me.
- And it's good night from him.
- Good night.
- Good night.
(Applause)