The Umbrella Academy (2019) s03e04 Episode Script

Kugelblitz

Freak!
No!
Stop! It hurts!
I can't!
You! Upstairs! Now!
Oh man.
Heavens to
Betsy.
What did you do?
Did Viktor go full "Carrie" again?
We didn't do this.

- Harlan?
- Don't!
Don't come near me, please.

I just want to make
sure that you're okay.

You can You can talk now.

- It's
- I can do a lot of things now.

Who the hell is creepy grandpa?
That's the kid Viktor saved in Dallas.

- Oh yeah, shit.

- Oh shit! You're right!
But didn't he get rid of all the
kid's mojo when he did all "that"?
- Yeah, I guess that didn't stick.

- What's he doing here, now?
Who cares? He saved
us from the Sparrows.

- Sloane.

- Wow, he did that?
Sloane, are you all right?
It's okay.

It's all right.

Sloane, it's all right.

Sloane.

You got a live one, Luther!
Shit.
Sloane!
- Harlan, wait!
- Hey!
Um Go help Luther.

What about you?
- I can handle it.
Go.

- Okay, okay, okay.

Holy shit.

I was just here.
How
long was I bloody gone?
It seems the grandfather
paradox is affecting everything.

- Even places out of time.

- Is that possible?
I stopped tracking what was
possible a long time ago.

We better get moving.
I'll
check the Infinite Switchboard.

And I'll check Herb's office.
Little
cockroach would survive anything.

- Bye.

- See ya.

Miss you.

That's weird.

Sloane!
Sloane, wait.

Sloane?
Oh! Jesus.

Sloane?
Sloane?
Sloane
- What are you doing?
- Did you set me up?
No, I would never do that.

I would.
Drop him.

- You good?
- I'm good.

- All right, let's go.

- Diego, it's okay.
You can let her go now.

What? Are you kidding me?
I said let her go.
She's hurt.

She is the enemy.

If you hurt her, I will bury you.

You gonna bury me too, Luther?
Just
Just let me talk to her.

Okay? Please.

Trust me.

She's gonna talk.

It's okay.

You haven't aged.

It's It's only
been three days for me.

How did you find me?
Ever since that day at the lake.

We're connected.

I can feel you, people like you
Like us.

What does it feel like?
Vibrations.

Like a tuning fork in my head.

Louder and louder, the
closer one of you gets.

I can put it out if I focus, but
sometimes I slip.

Is that what happened downstairs?
There's no hope for me.

I'm
not special like you.

I wasn't made for this power.

I can't control it.

I'm here now, okay?
I'm gonna make this right.

How?
I heard a rumor
Whoa, Allison, hey.

- you're gonna tell me the truth.

- Let her do her thing, man.

Where's the briefcase?
Tell me.

Where is it?
Where the hell is it?
- I don't know!
- Allison!
We left it in your house, and
it is our only way out of this!
Where is it?
That's enough!
You better ask yourself
which side you on, bro.

- Would you get out of here?
- Gonna tell me what to do?
All of you, just get out!
She doesn't leave your sight.

Do you understand?
This isn't over.

Come on, let's go.

Breathe, breathe,
breathe, breathe, breathe.

I heard a rumor
that you were
happy.

Viktor.

You cut your hair.

Yeah.

Uh, you okay?
Yeah, never better.

What's wrong?
The Sparrows don't have the
briefcase.
They never did.

What?
- Are you sure?
- Yeah, very.

What do we do now? What's our next move?
I'm sorry.
I can't I can't
deal with this right this second.

We can talk later, okay?
No, not okay.

Later, please.

You walked us into a slaughter.

You were both right there with me.

This is as much your fault as mine.

How? You're Number One, remember?
Yeah, but I'm a different
kind of Number One.

Mm, the shitty kind.

That's why Dad demoted you.

That's why he made Marcus Number One.

You don't know how to lead.

You don't have what it takes.

Marcus would have never let
He's gone.

You know what our real problem is?
You.

You're a shit Number Two, Fei.

See?
Even Christopher agrees with me.

What have I missed?
Sounds juicy.

Dad, we lost Jayme,
Alphonso, and Sloane.

Oh! Well, then we should be out
looking for them.
Fetch my jacket.

No, Dad.
He means they're dead.

Such a shame.

What happened?
Those assholes from
the Umbrella Academy.

You were actually right about them.

After Marcus disappeared, Ben led
us on a mission to take them down.

And it would have worked, but they
had some kind of secret weapon.

This old guy with powers on their side,
which is totally cheating.

We didn't have a chance.

So what do you intend to do about it?
We need to be ready if
they come to finish us off,
and they will unless
we come up with a plan.

So, what is your next genius idea,
idea guy?
Fine.
Go with her.
See if I care.

There is still a way to
turn this to your favor.

You're gonna clean up
every square inch of this.

What? Most of this wasn't even my fault.

It was the man, the octogenarian.

I don't give a shit where he grew
up.
You're gonna clean.
No one
Yeah, you're just mad that you got
your ass kicked by a floating cube!
That's it.
You're grounded.

Why are you laughing?
You were conveniently absent
when all this shit went down.

I was talking with Dad.

Don't move an inch.

Huh?
- You ask him about the mother shit?
- Yeah.

- What'd he say?
- That he didn't kill them.

- Oh, you believe him?
- Well, I don't know.
It's hard to say.

The Sparrows have got him all
doped up like a like a me!
It doesn't alarm you at all,
the fact that they're
drugging their father?
Wish we would have thought
of that.
Anything else?
Oh, you know the luggage room
in the basement of the Academy
where we used to huff paint?
Yeah, vaguely.

Do you recall this
blinding orb of light?
- Now we're done.

- Huh?
As requested.

- What the hell is this?
- Your punishment.

And when you're done here,
you're gonna clean
every room on Chet's list
to pay for this shit, okay?
And your Uncle Klaus
is gonna watch over you.

- What? No! Please don't.

- What? No! Why can't you do it?
Because I have to babysit Luther in
case Allison pops off again.
Okay?
All right, you two have tons in common.

- No, we don't.

- Really? Like what?
- Being a pain in my ass.

- Eat shit.

- You're an asshat.

- Heard that.

Okay.

Okay.
That's good.

There's been a rip in
the space-time continuum.

It's swallowing everything.

Oh, my sweet Dot, Iris,
Josh from accounting, they're all gone.

I've tried everything! I
don't know what else to do.

The timeline is collapsing.

Oh.

This is the end.

I could kill for some
scrambled eggs right now.

- This is bigger than the timeline, Lila.

- What's bigger than the timeline?
- The entire universe.

- Yeah.

The missing dogs, people It's
the opposite of the big bang.

Instead of the universe expanding,
it's now collapsing in on itself.

Like a prolapsing rectum.

That's a weird analogy, but yeah.

Here, then.
This might
give us some answers.

- Master handbook.

- The one and only.

Here we are.

Okay, protocol.

"In the unlikely case of
the grandfather paradox,
the founder and any essential
personnel should "
" be immediately remanded
to the operations bunker.
"
The founder.

What founder?
I don't know.

We need to find that bunker
ASAP.

Jinx.

A-B-C-1-2-3, personal padlock.

- Can you not
- You can't speak!
All right.

I hate your family.

That's cool.
Not a super
fan of yours right now.

- Were you part of it?
- Of what?
- Ambushing us with Superman's grandpa.

- Sloane
My family can't decide whether or
not to put mushrooms on a pizza.

I have no idea who that old
guy is.
He just showed up.

You expect me to believe that?
Hold on here.

You attacked us.

- I tried to warn you.

- Yeah, pfft, at the last second.

- You almost took us out.

- Yeah, but we didn't.

And your stupid family's
fine, and half of mine is dead.

Were you just
using me?
Getting close to gather information?
Do you really believe that?
Sloane, you need to
know something about me.

I don't really have any friends.

Or romances.

I just have my family,
and I would do anything to protect them
except betray you
because that's not who I wanna be.

So, if you're playing me right now,
you win.

But if this
if this is for real,
we have to trust each other
because we're not our families.

Okay.

Okay.

Ahhh!
Ugh.

Hey, you missed a spot.

You missed a spot on your
face, and I'm not complaining.

Hey, hey, hey.
Listen to me, buddy.

This is nothing compared to what
I endured when I was your age.

You know he once gave me six
months' laundry duty.
Six months!
Just for pawning one of his stupid
priceless artifacts from Mexico.

Well, it turns out it
did have a price, Dad,
and that price was $35 for
meth, thank you very much.

Laundry duty doesn't seem that bad.

Well, it is when you know what
your brothers do into their socks.

Did you get in a lot
of trouble at my age?
Oh, tons.

Truancy, larceny, arsony.

You know, a lot of the stuff I was doing
wasn't even illegal at the time.

Have you heard of Klaus's Law?
Nope.

Oh, whatever.
It doesn't matter.

Half the time, I was just
trying to piss off my dad,
Luther, Diego, or Ben.

- Yeah, oppositional defiant disorder.

- Huh?
- At least that's what my shrink calls it.

- Go on.

It's typically associated with
an argumentative, aggressive
irritable mood.

- Exactly.

- Yeah.

- Antisocial
- Yeah.

risk-seeking
behavior, and impulsivity.

Ding-dong, who's at the door? Me.

I have the Wow!
You know, and it feels so
good to put a name to it,
so all the drugs and the
manipulation and my cult and
You had a cult?
Well, it was the '60s,
babe.
Everybody had one.

But the point is that all of
that was a reaction to my father
and his obscenely high
expectations of me.

And then, after Dad, I had
Ben haunting my every move.

Who's Ben?
Ben is your dead uncle.

Who's alive in this timeline.

But he's dead to me.
It doesn't matter.

But, I mean, if I set
this room on fire
Yeah?
would it be fulfilling?
I don't know.

If I was to act out now,
I mean, who would it
even be in opposition to?
Maybe this whole new timeline
thingy is a blessing in disguise,
except for you, obviously.

But maybe now I can have,
like, a normal-ish relationship
with my cold and emotionless father.

Huh?
Stanley.

Hey! Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay!
Ch-pfff! Ch-pfff!
- Come on!
- No, put it back.

Okay, you caught me.

All of it, please.
Yes, yes.

I thought you were supposed
to be the fun uncle.

I know, me too.

Can I just keep one thing?
All right, you can keep the panties.

I really should get home.

I can't let you go.

I don't wanna let you go either,
but Jayme and Alphonso,
they deserve a proper burial.

No, I mean,
I can't let you leave.

You're a hostage.

Oh, right.
That.

My family already thinks
I'm a traitor.
So, I can't
- No, I totally get it.

- Good.

My family probably
is plotting vengeance.

So, I guess we just
go back to fighting
until everybody's dead.

We can put an end to this
and still be together.

How?
I need you to stay in here
until I figure some things out.

Your sister called you Viktor.

Is that what I should call you?
I'd like that.

You know, your mom's a
a big part of who I am.

She was the first
person to truly see me.

It's okay if you wanna ask about her.

Did Sissy hate me for what I did to you?
She said you saved her life.

Did she have a good life?
Hmm.

Wasn't easy.

Not with me there.

But she was free in a way
she never was on the farm.

She never stopped thinking about you,
and she never gave up hope that
you'd come back to us one day.

Why did you leave us?
I needed you.

We thought you'd be safer away from me.

But I wish I had stayed.

I should have stayed.

Meeting in the poolroom.

Family only.

Stay here.
I'll be right back.

Yeah!
Go faster! Faster!
- Coming through!
- Yeah! Ooh.

Squirt, make with the key on this one.

- Chop-chop.

- Let me check.

Nope, this room isn't on the list,
and I'm not gonna clean a room
that's not even on the list.

White Buffalo.

I could pick the lock, but
Diego took my switchblade.

Yeah, stand down.

You know, I once had to
pick a lock with my teeth
while partially paralyzed on Quaaludes.

Oh man, that was an evening.

All right, keep a watch
out for me, grasshopper.

All right.

You're serious?
We use Sloane as an olive branch.

We let her go as a gesture of peace,
along with the bodies
of Jayme and Alphonso.

Once I'm back with my
family, I can convince them
the old guy had nothing to do with
you and get them to stand down.

You wanna let her go
after attacking us? Uh-uh.

Me? I lost two of my siblings
to you and your murder troll.

Again, Harlan not with us.

Well, he's not not with us.

He was just trying to protect me.

This only works if I
can convince my family
he isn't a part of your team,
so is he with you or not?
Harlan saved our asses.
He can
stay here as long as he wants.

You know what, Luther?
He can take your bed.
Since
you're sleeping with the enemy.

Watch it.

Guys, come on.

Having an ally on the inside
could help us right now.

Right?
Yeah, but how do we know
we can trust Gravity Barbie?
I trust her.

Yeah, you trusted emails
from a Nigerian prince.

Tunde was not a prince, he was a king,
and he was unjustly deposed.

Okay.

So rumor me again.

Go on, not hiding anything.

Whatever it takes.

Do whatever you wanna
do, Luther.
That's on you.

I've got bigger shit to deal with.

Allison.
Wait up.

This is just like a bunch
of bureaucratic bullshit.

There's no clear directives in
here about crisis management.

You know, Lila, I shouldn't
even be here.
I was I was out.

I was done, and yet here I
am, swept back into the chaos.

Why can't I just escape this hellhole?
Because you love it.

My bad.

Face it, Five,
apocalypse problems are the only
things that get your heart pumping.

I don't know why people keep saying
that.
I don't actually like chaos.

I don't want disorder.
I
I want retirement.

Yeah, right.
What?
A normal life of groceries and
taxes? You would die of boredom.

Yeah, well, you're not exactly
cut out for domestic bliss either.

'Course I'm bloody not.

Thank God!
I mean, maybe it's a tone thing?
I don't know, but you could really
work on, like, the way you speak.

It's very It's irritating.

I'm just saying it's something
you can work on, you know?
For the future.

Why you smiling, you little pisspot?
'Cause of that.

Well, you could have led with that.

When you said you'd take me for a drink,
I had something a
little stronger in mind.

Do not disrespect the Slushee.

Check the glove box.

Oh, thank God.

You know, you're way
more fun these days.

Excuse me?
Telling off Luther and
melting Sloane's brain.

You were always the nice one of us.

Okay, okay.
You know,
grading on an umbrella curve.

Yeah, well, getting stuck
in the past without Claire,
then leaving Ray, thinking she'd
be waiting for me in the future
only to discover that she
doesn't exist in the present
could do that to a person.

Jesus.

- Do you wanna talk about it?
- No.

Oh, come on.

You know I'm a great therapist.

They call me Dr.
Fuego.

No one calls you that.

- They should though.

- Mm-mm.

That shit sounds badass.

I've never felt so hopeless in my life.

You're a pretty thing.

Even after my voice came back,
I knew the cost of standing
up and speaking out.

No more back door!
Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out!
Living every day under threat
that you or someone you
loved would disappear or
fall victim to some heinous crime.

And there's nothing you can do about it.

That shit lingers, huh?
Yeah.

I know we all got stuck
in Dallas.
I just
I don't think some of the others
really understand what it
was like for me, you know?
Yeah.

I know.

But hey, we're here now.

- We made it back, right?
- Yeah, and for what?
Ray and Claire were the two
things keeping me together,
and just like that,
they're gone, and I am
I am so angry.
I don't
know where to put any of it.

You remember that
vigilante shit I used to do?
Yeah.
Bargain Batman.

Smartass.

You know, you guys all laugh,
but that shit helped me, man.

Kicking assholes in their
assholes is like therapy,
but for cool people.

Yeah, trust me.
I wish I
had somebody I could hit.

Well, you spend enough time in the
city, you get to know a few things.

People in there
hate people like us.

We can go in there.

Get a drink, see if
they start something.

And we make damn sure we finish it.

Or, we could just drive home.

You know.

I could really use another drink.

Well, this is it.

This puts an end to it.

No.

We want the old man too.

- What are you doing?
- You wanted a plan.
Here it is.

It's a stupid plan.

- He isn't a part of the deal.

- He is now.

Ben, they aren't working with him.

They had nothing to
do with the attacks
Then they won't mind finding
him and handing him over.

It's simple.

Bring us the man who killed our
siblings, and this will all be over.

If not
Exsqueeze me.

You're excused.

Operations bunker.

We're screwed.

- Unauthorized access.

- Oh shit.

Jesus.
You're sweating like a
dodgy shrimp on ice.
What's wrong?
Access granted.

I guess you're essential personnel.

Wow.

That's him, huh?
The founder.

Looks like tinned beef.

I was expecting more man and less
can.

It can't be.

What's wrong?
It's me.

No way.

This whole time you've been
complaining about the Commission,
and you're the one who founded it.

Classic.

If I did, I have no memory of it.

So here I was thinking
you were a maverick,
but you're a company
man, down to the bone.

I mean, you
You literally cannot
breathe without this place.

Something's not right.

I don't have paradox psychosis.

I could feel it outside,
but in here, it's
nothing.

Never were too bright, were we?
The operations bunker is
paradox-proof.

I constructed it as a panic room
in case of a collapse
in the time continuum.

In this room,
all permutations of yourself can exist.

You must be here because of a
Kugelblitz.

Is that like a cheese blintz?
It's German for "ball of lightning.
"
It's an extra kinky kind of black hole.

The kind that can suck
up entire timelines.

Bingo.

So, how do we fix it?
You don't.

If you created all of this,
then you must have created a solution.

All that will be left is
oblivion.

Oblivion?
What do you mean?
This is what you have coming.

Listen to me, you ass.

I just spent the last
20 days running around
saving the world from apocalypses,
only to keep trying to save the world.

Now I am stuck in this pubescent
body, my hormones are raging,
and all I wanna do is go out and
buy a 1970s Corvette Stingray.

Take it easy on him, Five.

Lila, this is between me and myself,
so stay out of it.

Thank you.

Now, this Kugelblitz,
it is not some tiny leak
that we can simply fix by
patching a couple of pinholes.

It is a giant trash compactor
which is grinding up the universe
and consuming it whole.

So tell me
how you stop it!
Whatever you do
don't save the world.

What do you mean, don't save Five!
How do I fix this?
He's dead, Five.

Can I have the room?
Er I don't think I
should leave you two alone.

Lila, I need the room.

Son of a bitch.

What's this?
Ahh
Got it.

Whoa-oh!
Looks like friggin'
Indiana Jones in here!
Whoa, a pachinko!
Look at this.

Ooh, what's this?
Whoa!
This is so cool.

I adopted them instead of you.

Dad!
I'm not your father,
young man.
Not anymore.

What is this?
Whoa.

This is so cool.

Hey, come on.
Chop-chop, Stan.

Gotta go see a man about a buffalo
Oh shit.

No.

Uncle Klaus!
Viktor?
Viktor?
Harlan, you need to stay in your room.

What's wrong?
Why do you have these?
Huh?
Why?
Do you know them?
It was you?
You killed our mothers?
You caused all this?
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