The Umbrella Academy (2019) s03e05 Episode Script

Kindest Cut

1
Oh, great.
You again.

So to what do I owe
the pleasure this time?
Not talking, huh?
Well, then, listen.

I'm not in the mood for all
of your riddles and allegories
and sick little parlor games, okay?
Can I just hang out for a
little while to improve my tan?
I mean, you said I was pale.

All right, but could
you just please tell me
which way that I'm supposed to go?
What kinda snuff movie is this?
Hey.

Hang in there, li'l me.

Dad.

Experiment Number 73,
cessation of life function
at 12 hours and 22 minutes.

Restarting the timer to reanimation.

All right! This is more like it.

Hey, teen Klaus!
Klaus! Klaus! Klaus!
Tonight we drink to childhood trauma!
No, no, don't!
Whoa! This is so cool.

Hey, come on.
Chop-chop, Stan.

Gotta go see a man about a buffalo
Oh shit.

So these weren't
near-death experiences.

These were
actual-death experiences.

How do you know our mothers?
What did you do to them?
Tapes.
I need my tapes.

Hey.
I'm talking to you!
No!
No.
Not until you tell me the truth.

- I could tear you to atoms.

- Try it.

Why?
It was an accident.

- 27 dead women is not an accident.

- You're supposed to understand.
Mom
- Don't bring Sissy into this.

- She swore you'd come back to us.

Make things right again.

So I waited for years.

You never did.

And on the day she died
I felt you again.
Here.

And I reached out.

It wasn't you.

It was our mothers.

You connected to them.

They were terrified about something
growing in them.

I I could feel their pain.

Their screams so loud, like a
storm in my head tearing me apart.

I tried to break the connection.
I
I couldn't.

It was too late.

I pushed back.

After that, I just
hid myself away.

Just to be safe.
Until now.

Hey.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
You're okay, baby.

You're okay.
I'm here.

You are okay.

You're okay.
Yes, you are.

I got you.

I got you, you still
got your voice, okay?
Just breathe for me, baby.
There you go.

Breathe.

There been times ♪
That I thought ♪
I wouldn't last for long ♪
But now I think
I'm able to carry on ♪
It's been a long ♪
Long time comin' ♪
But tell me what I know ♪
- Change is gon' come.

- Yes, my baby.

Change is gon' come, baby.

I'm not a fool, Viktor.

I always knew my life was gonna be hard,
but never like this.

Never gonna hurt anyone.
Ever.

That part's not me.
That's
That's me.

That's kinda my thing.

I've hurt a lot of people with my power.

And I am just so sorry
you were one of them.

I need to tell your
family what I did to them.

No.
No.

Harlan, what you did
had bigger consequences,
and people I love got hurt.

So we have to be very
careful how we tell them.

Consequences? Like what?
They handed over the bodies,
we got what we wanted.

Why do we need this old guy?
"Bodies"? You mean Jayme
and Alphonso, our siblings.

Or have you already
forgotten about them?
No, you know what I meant.

We need to punish their killer.

- Revenge can wait.

- Until when?
Until we deal with that
thing in the basement.

It's getting stronger every day.

People from all over the
world are disappearing now.

We need to work together
with the Umbrellas.

The man who killed our
siblings is an outsider.

Neither Sparrow nor Umbrella.

He needs to be dealt with
before we can merge the families.

And if they refuse?
How do we save the world?
Hey.
You seen Allison?
- What the hell happened?
- It's, uh It's not as bad as it looks.

It looks as if you're
lucky to be upright.

- Did Harlan do that?
- We just got in a disagreement.

- About what?
- It doesn't matter.

So I just checked the
perimeter.
We're good.

Now, we're gonna have to take turns.

Oh my God! What happened to you?
- Was it Harlan?
- What?
The Sparrows are right.
He
shouldn't be here.
He's dangerous.

He's only dangerous
because I made him that way.

This is my problem,
and I appreciate your concern,
but I'm gonna figure it out.

I'm gonna fix it.

- What's going on?
- Oh my God.
He got you too?
You okay?
- Great.
You?
- Never better.

- Shit.

- Shoo!
Where have you been?
Facing my mortality,
Viktor.
I don't recommend it.

You had the briefcase?
We've been looking for this!
Well, look no further.

That's the last one on Earth.

Or was the last one.

Yeah, that's toast.

Oh shit.
All right.

Hey.
You're happy to
see me.
What's wrong?
Turns out there's less time to
hold grudges than I had planned.

You're off the hook.

Hey, where's Stan?
- Excuse me.
One second.

- Yeah?
Did you and Allison get into
some kinda fight last night?
Hell yes!
We kicked some serious ass last night.

What the hell's gotten into this family?
I don't know, but it's awesome.

Swear to God, I've
never seen her do things
like she did yesterday.
She was brutal.

It's fine.

You know, just needed to
blow some steam off.
I helped.

She's good.

Oh, yeah.
Real good.

Hey, Chatty Cathys, quit
the chitchat, all right?
I'm calling a family meeting here.

Ah, ah, ah.

That means you too.

Where's Klaus?
I'll be right back.

Don't leave me with your
Dieg Lost another.
Great.

Spit it out, Five.

Oh, well, since you asked
so nicely, sister mine,
our little paradox brought
forth a freaking Kugelblitz.

What the hell is a Kugelblitz?
Stan!
Stanley!
What is all this? Acid?
Well, um, you told me
to clean up my own mess.

I just have to thank you for
teaching me such a valuable lesson
in personal responsibility.

Yeah, I'm not buying
that.
What's going on?
You got blood on you.

Come on, talk to me.

Hey, I'm your dad.

Um okay.

But you gotta promise
you won't be pissed.

What did you do?
Nothing.

Do not lie to me.
This is my brother.

Tell me what you did.

We were just messing
around, and it was fine.

Until the gun went off.

And you were gonna dissolve the body?!
I didn't know what else to do, okay?
You were gonna hate me, and
I'd have to go to prison,
join a gang for protection,
and end up in the hole!
Hey, hey, hey, hey.

I don't hate you.

I just can't believe it, okay?
All the stupid shit Klaus used to do.

I used to think he could survive
anything, and now he's dead.

I'm really, really sorry.

Me too, kid.

Come on and help me wrap
up your uncle in the carpet.

I know you.

Of course you do.

I'm your mother.

'Course.

Is that menudo?
Yes.

Good stuff.

Mmm
Mmm.
Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.

Mmm!
So how can you be my mom if
you died before I was born?
How have you died 56 times
and come back to life?
That's a trick question 'cause I
didn't know that I was doing that.

Well, what did you think you were doing?
I just thought I was one of those
lovable rascally
Looney Tunes characters.

Hit me on the head with a hammer,
and I see some cartoon birds.

And then, pop! I get back up.

Uh
What's a "cartoon"?
Oh, seriously? You're so Amish.

- Oh!
- You're so
I'm kidding.

We have all the channels here.

But mostly, I watch you.

Even the naughty bits?
I've seen you mourning
me, and you don't need to.

I'm I'm at peace.

Bah!
Peace is overrated.

And chaos is exhausting.

Only for amateurs.
I'm
a professional, Mom.

So just tell me, okay? Tell
me who it was who killed you.

- You're not looking for vengeance.

- I'm not
You're looking for purpose.

And I can't give you that.

No one can.

Are you sure?
I know I'm new to this whole mom thing,
but aren't you supposed
to help me, your son?
- What's so funny?
- You.

All this time and energy
running away from the
exact thing you're chasing.

No wonder you can't see what's
right in front of you all along.

So this Kugelblitz, it's ?
The end of everything.

Every rock, every star, every atom
sucked into a radiant black hole.

Randomly collapsing
matter every moment in time
across all existence
till nothing's left.

Hate to say I told you so, but
You love to say I told you so.

You know, it's impressive.

Whoever knocked off your
mums hated you all enough
to end the entire universe.

We don't know that.

It doesn't matter who created the
thing.
We just have to kick its ass.

Oh really? How?
Are you and Diego gonna
punch it in the Kugel?
The best plan is to go back in
time and eliminate the paradox
and destroy whatever it was
that took out our mothers
and stop the Kugelblitz before
it starts, but we can't do that.

Briefcase is kaput.

And why the hell can't you
just jump us out of here?
Last time I tried that,
we all got trapped in time.

Do you really wanna risk that again?
What's plan B?
Are you sure we can't
just torch the evidence?
A couple flames from
Mr.
Burns over here.

Give me that, you little pyro.

We're not burning anything.

We're gonna go talk
to the family together.

They'll, uh, understand
that this was an accident.

Hey.
No matter what happens,
I got your back, okay?
Tú ya eres mi sangre.

I still don't speak Spanish.

And I accept your flaws, all right?
Now
I got it, I got it.

Just go get the door.

- No, let me
- No.
Go wait over there.

- Wait by the
- Okay.

Uh yeah, we're, uh,
playing a game.

What's it called?
Guy in a Carpet.

I hope you win.

- Go get the door.

- Okay.

Klaus was right.

I love this place.

Okay.

- Get his head, get his head.

- Yeah, I got it.
I got it.

- Oh, that's heavy.

- Press the button.

Okay.

- Ground, ground.
G.
There you go.

- Yeah.
Okay.

Oh my God!
You told me he was dead, puta!
He was, and now you speak Spanish?
Let's just turn down the
volume a smidge, shall we?
Celestial comedown is a bitch!
Whoa!
Oh, you scared the shit out of
me, Klaus! I thought you were dead.

Yeah.

Me too.

Me too.
Me too.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Dude.
Dude, slow down.

You were dead, like, three minutes ago.

Like dead dead, all right, so
Well, I'm back now.

Apparently, it's, like, a
thing I do.
Who knew, right?
And look, look, look.

It's It's already healing.

What would happen if we cut off
your head? Would it grow two of you?
Stan.

Would it?
- Gimme that.

- What happened to you?
Oh, just a speargun to
the chest.
No big deal.

What did we miss?
The universe is ending,
and we're all going to die.

Why have you brought me before my God?
- Your right eye.
Give it to me.

- What are you doing?
If we wanna beat this thing,
first we need to understand it.

It's time to see what's
on the other side.

- Whoa!
- Fei, watch it! Grab her!
What the hell was that?
That was a Kugel wave.

- Oh, it's getting worse.

- How long do we have?
At this rate of escalation,
if you factor in
How long, Five?
Four, maybe five days before
the rest of existence is blitzed.

Come on, Ben!
- I'm telling you, it won't work!
- Hold on, Fei!
God has a million eyes,
each falling into themselves.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Oh, black holes? Really?
Am I just surrounded by morons?
Maybe he's right.

What if what Grace is describing
is a black hole collapsing in on itself?
Oh, whatever.

God is angry with us.

We are wasting precious time.

This is bigger than
just us.
We need help.

Harlan first, then we can
kill whatever the hell this is.

We should've given them Harlan.

- Luther.

- What about Harlan?
The Sparrows said if we turned him
over, we could end the fighting,
and then work together
to save the world.

But if we didn't
But we tried to make peace.

Okay, and then the step-siblings
from hell attacked, kidnapped you,
and they tried to kill us.

I mean, come on.
We can't trust them.

Working together would be like
trying to defuse a bomb
by pouring gas on it.

It's only gonna make
things burn down faster.

But don't we need the big bad
glow-y thing in their basement?
Klaus, do you know
where the Kugelblitz is?
Oh, yeah.
I saw it.

When I went to visit Dad.

It's in the old storage room where
Mom used to keep all her luggage.

- Why didn't you tell anyone?
- I did.
I told you!
You say stupid shit all the time!
Of course.
It appeared
in the same place we did.

important stupid shit.

That's not your fault?
I'm inside your brain, pulling
levers and stuff? Serious
You don't think the Kugelblitz
Hey.

Why are you protecting this guy,
huh? It's like Peabody all over again.

Harlan is nothing like Leonard.

Well, he's clearly got
some kinda hold over you.

- Stop covering for him.

- Covering what?
What's going on?
- He didn't mean to hurt anyone.

- Really? You mean, when he did this?
- Ow!
- Wait, Harlan did that?
That's it, I'm gonna end him.

Look, I know how it looks,
but Harlan didn't ask for this.

If we hadn't gone back to 1963,
if I hadn't have saved him
He killed Jayme and Alphonso, not you.

He's the reason we're in this mess,
and he's our only way out of it.

Luther's right.

If we're gonna have an iota of a
chance of getting out of this alive,
we need access to the Kugelblitz.

There's only four of them left.

We can just overpower them.

What, and risk losing
some of us in the process?
Harlan is insignificant.

You told me once that
no one is insignificant.

They'll kill him.

Uh, so?
We are talking about one person
versus saving billions of lives here.

I mean, is this really
a debate for you people?
Hey, Little Britain?
You don't get a vote.

Lila lives in this universe too.

Besides, she's family now.
Kinda, sorta.

Mm.
Thanks, kitten.

I don't give a shit about the Sparrows,
but I'm not gonna let scary-ass
Grandpa finish you off.

Five days ago, he was just a little kid.

And what? Now I'm supposed to just
decide whether he lives or dies?
Viktor, we're down to ethical
triage here, all right?
We can't save everyone.

The kindest cut wins.

You always wanted to be on the team.

This is what it is.

Saving the world means
making the hard calls.

I hate this.

Yeah, I know.

I'll go get him.

Wait, no.

Let me do it.

He trusts me.

I can convince him to come quietly.

What are you listening to?
Wind.

The sound it makes blowing
through a field of corn.

Tractor half a mile away.

And horses.

Mustangs mostly.
One palomino.

It sounds like
Home.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, I remember.

What do you think would have
happened if I had stayed?
We'd have been happy.

Or maybe I still would've
ruined everything for her.

Hey.
I know the little
boy you were, Harlan.

You didn't ruin anything.

Then why are you giving up on me?
I can feel it.

I can't hide anything from you, can I?
That's our curse.

I'm sorry I couldn't fix things.

I tried.

But we never tried together.

I bet we could get it right this time.

There's still time.

You are obviously grounded, at least
through to the end of the world.

Yeah, and you better
recognize how lucky you are.

You know how many kids would wish
their cool dead uncle
would come back to life?
- That's a bit random.

- Not helping.

- Okay.

- This thing won't budge.

- Together on three.

- Okay.

One, two, three.

- Looks as good as new.

- All right.

Hey.
Now you are gonna take all
this back to where you got it.

And next time you steal, I expect
it to be something valuable.

- Okay.

- Honestly, we need to set higher expectations.

Here.

You're gonna make me drop them.

Oh, no, that's a you problem, man.

Come on.

- Add it on.

- No!
Here, don't forget the big one.

That's enough, boys.

Stan.

Ear medicine, downstairs.

Don't forget to take it, okay?
Okay.

You know, you're a less terrible
father than I thought you'd be.

Yeah, I think I'm winning him over.

I think all you gotta do
is show a little bit of
Wait, what was that?
I dunno.
Sexy dad is kind of a turn-on.

Plus, it's the end of the world.

Oh, okay.
Well, I thought
you already moved on
to, like, many, many men.

So?
So I need to be wooed.

- You need to be wooed.

- Wooed.

- Ooh.

- Yeah, flowers.

An expensive bottle of wine.

Or I could find another
DILF to play Daddy.

I'm the daddy here.

Yeah, you are.

Hey.

So, um
should I be worried about you?
Me?
Better than ever.
Just ask Diego.

Ah, yes.

See now, you hanging out with Diego
is how I know something's wrong.

Hmm.

I know you, Allison.

And I know when you're drowning.

It's happening again, isn't it?
- Everything's ending.

- Yeah, we'll figure that out.

Yeah.

Or we won't.

Or we will,
but it won't matter
because the new timeline
will be even worse for me.

I can't keep doing this.

I can't keep losing
people.
It's not fair.

Hey.

Hey, come here.

Uh
Uh
I thought you, um
No.
I mean, I used to
- I just can't.

- Oh God.

I can't, uh
It's okay.
I just, um
I just said I'd go see
Sloane, so I'm gonna
I'm just gonna go.

Wow.

You can't be serious.

You're blowing me off for some
knockoff you've known for five minutes?
What do you even want from me?
No, come on, be honest.

If you had Ray and Claire
back, would you even be here?
But they're not back, are they?
I get that you need a distraction,
but you can't use me for that.

I can if I want to.

That's not funny.

I heard a rumor you stay.

Allison
I'm done letting other people
decide how much I can stand to lose.

Allison, please.

- Don't do this.

- I heard a rumor you want me.

Stop.
Stop.

Please stop.

Stop!
Wha Viktor.

Oh, are you okay?
I'm fine, um
Are you sneaking him out?
I have to.

The whole family voted to
hand him over to the Sparrows.

There's still a chance.

I can save him.
I can
take back his powers.

Get him out of town.

Yeah, and then what?
Then I can focus on the
Sparrows and the Kugel-whatever.

- Yeah, that's a really bad idea
- Look, I owe him this.

What if we fix the Kugel,
and I don't make it?
And he's just stuck like this?
Allison, please.

Please, you
You didn't see us.

Look, I will take him somewhere safe.

But, Viktor, you have to tell them.

You don't have to do this.

You'd do it for me, right?
Okay.
Harlan, you're gonna
go with Allison for a bit.

What about you?
I'll join you as soon
as I can.
I promise.

Okay, go.

Hey.

It's time.

Where's Harlan?
- He's gone.

- You let him go, didn't you?
Harlan's death is not
gonna stop the Kugelblitz.

It's just gonna be another
tragedy on a tragedy,
and we can find another
I will find another way.

Well, congratulations, Viktor.

You managed to destroy everything.

Again.

I really thought you
were smarter than that.

Well!
That went great!
- There.

- Thanks.

I saw my future self die.

That's crazy.

Almost the exact same
thing happened to me.

- But I didn't die, but I did, but
- He told me not to save the world.

- And then he died.

- I don't know.

- What do you think he meant by that?
- Well, shouldn't you know?
Shouldn't you know about your Okay.

- Well, up your ass.

- Salut.

Klaus, I've dedicated my entire
life to stopping the apocalypse.

Apocalypses, plural.

- And he tells me
- Mm-hmm?
That it's it's,
what? It's meaningless?
Oh, well, I don't know anything
Maybe that's his way of saying
not to become him, but
Oh, you're really messed
up about this, huh?
I've cheated time so much,
I guess I just figured
I'd somehow cheat death.

But it turns out, I die
a one-armed nightmare
inside a bureaucratic
hellscape of my own design.

Spoiler alert!
Not to mention the trashy tattoo.

Ugh!
Is this your skin?
I'll be damned if I go out
with an old man tramp stamp.

If you don't wanna end up like this guy,
why don't you just do
something completely different?
Completely different Move
upstate, become an alpaca farmer.

Yeah, I could.

The timeline's malleable.

We've proven that much.

I could try and break the cycle, but
Yeah, sure.

Just keep your arms and
extremities away from sharp objects,
and don't join the Mothers of Agony.

- What?
- The tattoo.

It's the symbol of the biker
gang, the Mothers of Agony.

You know them?
Like two timelines ago,
they were How do I put it?
My farmacistas.

This is good.

'Cause you know
Thank you, Klaus.

All right, great talk.

Go get 'em, buddy.

- Hi.

- Hey.

Can I come in?
Always.

What you doing here, baby?
Lost, kid?
Been looking for you.

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