The Unicorn (2019) s01e01 Episode Script

Pilot

1 (GRUNTS) Uh how about a chicken parm? Who made it? Dottie Palmer.
- Ugh! - (IMITATES BUZZER) Oh.
Can you try to find one of Judy Bickell's lasagnas? Great idea.
Love Judy.
Love her lasagnas.
Hey, Wade.
Actually, you know, we stopped by to see if we could take you guys out to dinner.
We're gonna pick up Addie at gymnastics and, uh, go for Thai food.
Oh, thanks, man.
We're good.
We got, like, 15 lasagnas in here.
FORREST: Okay.
Girls, um are the dogs allowed on the counter? - Uh, no, they're not.
- Okay.
So we gonna do anything about that? They'll get down when they need to pee.
Okay, thank you.
That's cool.
Do you see how bad it's gotten around here? I see.
It's like the Disney Channel version of Grey Gardens.
- (QUIETLY): I know.
- I mean, come on.
Jill's funeral was almost a year ago, and they're still living off the meals people made for them? The man is in denial.
Look at him.
He's putting on a brave face for the girls like everything's just great, but it's not.
- (WHISPERS): I know.
- Remember how he used to love to cook? - I remember.
- Oh.
He used to love to cook! Who are you arguing with? I keep agreeing with you.
Behold! A Bickell lasagna! - Hey! Now we're talkin'! - Yeah, baby! Linda, don't want your tail to catch on fire.
Okay.
Ah.
I think these are brownies.
Are you girls good with brownies for dinner? - NATALIE: Bring it! - Yeah, works for me.
- Yes! - Ooh.
(WHISPERS): Who's arguing with you? Are you sure you guys don't want to stay? Oh, go, go, go, go, go, go! Run, run, run, run, run! Go! Go! Go! Get the ball! - (WHISTLE BLOWS) - Oh! Damn it! Hey.
Wade.
Be professional.
- Sorry, Coach.
- Hey, Wade.
- WADE: Oh.
Hey, Tracy.
- So, I don't know what you're doing later, but I'm gonna take Izzy and Hailey over to Nomo's after the game.
Oh, uh, great, great.
- Yeah.
- H-Have fun.
You know, uh, they sell beer there now, so, hey, fun for the grown-ups, too, right? - (LAUGHS) Yeah.
- Really? Oh, that-that's really good to know.
- So - Red ball! What's up, Dad? What's up, little man? Two times.
Uh, uh! - Hey, honey.
- Hey, peanut.
- How's it going? - Check out our boy.
MICHELLE: Look at Tracy Wilvers.
- What is he doing? - He's got no clue.
So maybe I'll see you there.
Uh, maybe.
Yeah, yeah.
We-we go there a lot.
No, no, no, I mean, am I gonna see you there today? - (WHISTLE BLOWS) - MAN: What's the call, ref? Red ball.
(JEERING, ANGRY SHOUTING) - What?! - Terrible call! Blue ball! (JEERING, ANGRY SHOUTING) Just a dad, folks! Not getting paid! MICHELLE: I'm telling you, Tracy Wilvers was all over him.
And last week, it was Leslie what's-her-name, the new art teacher.
This man has no idea what catnip he is to these women.
I swear, a woman could just yank down his pants, grab it Delia.
My kids are in the car.
Okay, Michelle, you have to tell me that when I pick up.
They're always with me.
- Oh, crap, where's Noah? - NOAH: I'm here.
I spilled soda on my pants.
You let your kids have soda? Stop judging me.
You have one kid.
And compared to four kids, one kid is like no kids.
And put the pants back on, Noah.
I'm not wearing wet pants.
MICHELLE: Who do you think you're talking to like that? Tracy Wilvers was hitting on him? (WHISPERS): Yes.
Go ahead, say it.
- What? Say what? - "Oh, she's so smokin' hot.
Are you kidding me? Lucky guy.
What?" Please.
She's fine.
Tracy Wilvers is stupid hot! I know! And she wanted him.
- (GROANS) - Wade had no clue.
Yeah, our-our boy's game is hella wack.
Mm.
Don't say that.
- Don't say what? - Just doesn't come out right.
Oh, so you can say it, - but I can't.
I get it.
- No, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
Plenty of white dudes can pull it off.
Just not you.
We got to shock Wade out of this.
- You know what I'm thinking? - Hmm? Me and Forrest tell him we're going to Home Depot, but we lock his ass in the minivan, drive him straight to Vegas! Mm-hmm.
And try telling that to Delia.
She keeps saying that we have to have an intervention.
Like you did with Aunt Meg? Who told you Aunt Meg had a intervention? You did.
Yeah, that sounds like me.
Look, we just have to chill, okay? Wade'll let us know when he's ready.
(BARKS) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) GRACE: Dad? Are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm just-just prepping dinner.
Oh.
It's frozen to his arm skin.
I think we should call an adult.
What is this, anyway? (VOICE BREAKING): Dottie Palmer's chicken parmesan.
(WHISPERS): Yuck.
All that food that people made for us, it seemed like it would last forever.
(SIGHS): But it's gone.
It feels like like Jill is really gone.
(GROANS) I know this is a gut punch, buddy, but maybe this is a sign to get on with your life.
DELIA: Forrest is right.
You know, when when Jill got sick, you took care of her and the girls.
And you were such a rock star, but You need to get your butt out of this house and start dating.
No, I'm getting to that.
I was just trying to be a little more artful about it.
Dating? I mean, come on, guys.
I can't date.
With everything that I have going on? DELIA: Wade, sweetheart, you have nothing going on.
- Mm-mm, nothing at all.
- Zero.
You're fully available, Wade.
Hey, Dad, can Andrew and I spend $5.
95 to buy a new Fortnite skin? Oh, Grace, come on.
You know better than that.
Just spend the extra two bucks and get something practical, like the shield potion or the-the bouncer trap.
Thanks, Mr.
F.
Oh, my God, you should not know that! - What even is all that crap? - What the hell is a skin potion? Hey.
Okay, okay, okay, you're right.
You're right, but dating? (GROANS) I mean, what am I gonna tell the girls? - Don't.
- What? I can't lie to my kids.
(LAUGHTER) - That's all I do is lie to my kids.
- Mm-hmm.
Drive them places and lie.
Oh, I've never kept anything from them.
- I-I can't start now.
- FORREST: I hate to be nitpicky here, but there was that time you left the cat door open, and Doodles got out and got eaten by a coyote, - and you didn't tell them.
- Mm, mm.
I can't believe you just went there.
It's a lie.
(LAUGHTER) WADE: Girls we need to talk about something.
What's wrong? Don't worry, it's, uh, it's-it's not a bad thing.
Are we getting another cat?! - No.
- Oh, my God! Did Doodles come back? No.
Look, um, here's the thing.
Uh, some people have brought up the idea that maybe I should start dating.
You're gonna replace Mom? Nat, no.
No, no.
I could never replace Mom.
Look, you know how much I love hanging out with you guys, but adults also need to spend time with other adults.
Oh, my God.
It's a sex thing.
I'm gonna throw up.
I'm-I'm gonna throw up! - No, you're not.
- You want to bet me? (RETCHING DRAMATICALLY) Natalie, please stop doing that.
Then don't replace Mom! Natalie, will you give Dad a break? All he ever does is take care of us.
He deserves to have a life.
Thank you, Grace.
It's important for me to know that I can always be honest with you guys.
Well, you can.
About anything.
Look, since we're being honest, Doodles isn't coming back.
He was eaten by a coyote.
What?! How could you not tell us that?! What? I thought I could be honest with you guys? You could've said it better! - Uh, name.
Easy.
- FORREST: Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
- MICHELLE: Yes.
- You did it.
- Good.
For height, just put six even.
Uh, that's not how tall I am.
So? Who cares? Who's gonna know? If I meet her, I might stand up.
Can you move? He's doing it wrong.
(COMPUTER CHIMES) Favorite thing to do in bed.
- Cuddle.
- DELIA: Yeah.
Well, uh, if I'm being honest, I really like - Cuddle.
- Cuddle.
Okay.
Cuddle.
Uh, eye color.
Let me see.
Green.
No, green.
Hazel.
- What? - What kind of color is hazel anyway? It's like a brownish-green, right? Hey, Siri, show me a hazelnut.
What are you talking about? It's green.
Let's vote.
No.
No, we're not gonna vote on what color my eyes are.
- No.
- I have brown eyes.
- Relationship status.
Widowed.
- Uh, "Are you ready to begin your journey?" It's okay, buddy.
- Yes.
Yeah, I can do it.
- Yeah.
Yeah! WADE: I can do it.
It's time.
But it's-it's a really big step, guys.
- I mean Yeah.
- (COMPUTER PLAYS FANFARE) You did it.
Yay! No, he didn't.
You did it for him.
I used his finger.
It's fine.
This is exciting, right? - Yeah.
Yes.
Yeah.
- Yay, exciting.
All right, I got to go.
I got patients.
We got to talk about after-school pickups.
Wade, don't forget you're getting Addie and taking her - to soccer practice after school.
- Oh, shoot.
I forgot, I got to take Grace to the orthodontist at 3:00.
Well, you know what? Maybe Ben could take, uh, - everybody to soccer practice.
- (OVERLAPPING CHATTER) Yeah, I can take them, too, but I can't stay.
Okay, good.
Sounds like a plan.
- Okay.
- WADE: Wait.
- Does it? - (PHONE CHIMING) Uh, whoa.
Hey, hey, wait.
My profile is getting responses.
- (CHUCKLING) - What? Ah, there's, like, six of them.
Seven.
- Eight.
My God.
- DELIA: Shut up.
Is it supposed to work this quickly? Six-foot cuddler like you? Hell yeah.
- Word.
- WADE: Oh, my God.
I've got 15.
- What? - This app is amazing.
No, it's not the app.
See, my sister Meg is on all these dating sites.
- She knows all about this.
- (PHONE CONTINUES CHIMING) You are a unicorn.
- I'm a what? - A unicorn.
You know, that elusive creature that all single women are looking for.
See, most of the men on these dating sites are having midlife crisis.
They're getting divorced.
- Mm-hmm.
Yep.
- They're buying Porsches.
They're hooking up with 25-year-olds.
You are a devoted father, you are a devoted husband, and not for nothing, you haven't had sex with anybody besides Jill in, like, 20 years, so you're factory fresh, buddy.
Technically, he's, like, certified pre-owned.
Why you got to put your own spin on everything? - (PHONE CHIMES) - Oh, well, what do you know? That's my sister Meg.
Do not click on her.
Wait.
Are-are you guys saying that all of these women are only into me because Jill died? Yep! No, no, no, no.
I don't want this to be what defines me.
I spent the last year of my life being pitied.
People used to see me and say, "Hey, Wade! How you doing?!" Now they say, "Hey, Wade.
How you doing?" Last thing that I want is pity dates.
Think about it like this though.
- Pity dates sometimes lead to pity sex.
- Mm.
Believe me, I speak from experience.
- He's not wrong.
- Mm.
Okay, that's not what I want, so I'm just gonna go - with plain old "single".
- (COMPUTER PLAYS FANFARE) And just like that, the unicorn becomes a regular dumb horse.
You know what? There's nothing wrong with a horse.
Just a plain brown-eyed horse.
Brownish-hazel.
Or green.
Bye.
(SIGHS) Wow! Look at you.
- What do you think? - You look fantastic.
Yeah.
I mean, it-it could use - a-a French tuck, maybe.
- Ooh.
- I don't know what that is.
- Oh, I'll show you.
Watch this.
You know what I'm thinking? Do you mind if I shove my hands down your pants? - N-No, no, no.
Do what you got to do.
- Okay.
I'm thinking watch this.
- What? - Half a French.
- Forrest.
- Yeah.
I'm not mad at that.
You know what? Danielle's not gonna be able to keep her little hands off ya.
Oh, my God, I'm in here.
Oh.
I'm N-Not your dad.
Nobody's touching him.
He's gross.
(BOTH MOUTHING) NATALIE: Linda, Joyce! Come on! Let's go for a walk.
- Oh, babies.
- (BARKING) Hey, Nat.
How do I look? Dumb.
- Aw.
- Dumb awesome, right? Oh, come on, Nat.
- I just want to get your opin - Dad.
Don't worry about her.
She'll be fine.
- (DOGS BARKING) - Now go and have fun.
(SIGHS): Yeah.
Oh, hey.
Wedding ring.
Oh, uh, yeah.
I don't know if I can take it off.
Look, Wade, I know that this is hard, but this is good.
This is saying yes to the future.
I'm gonna grab Thank you, Delia.
What I mean is I don't know if I can get it off my finger.
It hasn't been off in 20 years.
You just dip it in cold water.
It makes extremities shrink.
It's a finger.
(LIVELY CHATTER) Mmm.
Mmm.
Wow.
These shishito peppers are great until suddenly zoom your mouth is on fire.
(LAUGHS) Do you date a lot, Wade? Uh, uh, no.
No.
I, um Oh.
Spend a lot of time at work? - I do, yeah.
- So that's why you're single.
I guess it's among the reasons, yeah.
So, um, tell me something about you.
- What kind of music do you like? - Rock.
How many people have you met online? Not many.
Uh, what kind of rock? Hard? Soft rock? What's your favorite? Check.
What? Why? - You're married.
Check.
- No, I'm not.
Tell that to the white circle on your ring finger.
Oh.
No, this No.
No, no, no.
Danielle, this, I-I can explain this.
- I don't date cheaters.
- But I'm not a cheater.
Look, I couldn't cheat if I wanted to.
My wife died! (CHATTER STOPS) It was a year ago.
And I just took my wedding ring off today.
I am so sorry.
I'm gonna comp the shishito peppers.
Oh, that's-that's okay.
- You must think I'm awful.
- No.
I Compliments of the people in the corner booth.
That's not necessary.
Uh, corner booth, thank you.
But, really, that's-that's not necessary.
I'm sorry.
Um, this is what I was trying to avoid.
Yeah.
So do you want to leave? Might as well.
My place is, like, five minutes from here.
Oh, wow, that's really convenient for you.
Oh.
You You mean me, to Wow.
- Really? - Wow.
- O-O-Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- All right.
All right.
I'm sorry.
I-I can't do this.
- You can't? - (SIGHS) Here's the thing: I know that you're only doing this because I'm a unicorn.
- You're a what? - Because my wife died.
It's a term for someone like me.
You know, not divorced, haven't been sleeping around.
What's wrong with divorced people who sleep around? I'm-I'm sorry.
I-I just described you, didn't I? You did.
And that's great! That's awesome.
It's just I don't really know who I am anymore.
So whenever I do this, it can't be because of the tragedy in my life.
I get it.
And when you figure out who you are, click on me again.
You're sweet, and you're nothing like the guys I've been dating.
You don't drive a Porsche, do you? I drive a dirty pickup.
God, you're hot.
(EXHALES) (DOOR CREAKS SOFTLY) I'm still really mad at you.
(SIGHS) Trust me, I understand.
And if it makes you feel any better, my date was a total disaster.
Good.
(CHUCKLES) Okay, get dressed.
We're gonna go to Jimby's to get some waffles like we used to do with Mom.
Now? It's 9:30 on a school night.
You don't want waffles? Come on, let's go.
(CHUCKLES): I can't believe what a bad parent you are.
Come on! Hey, Grace! Grace! - Get up.
We're gonna go - GRACE: Dad! - Oh.
Sorry! - (POP MUSIC PLAYING) Wait a second, I'm (EXHALES) I'm not sorry.
- Grace.
- (MUSIC STOPS) Um, Dad you know, you know Andrew.
Yes, I do know Andrew.
He's lived next door for the last ten years.
Good evening, sir.
How was your date? - Not great.
- Waffles! (CHUCKLES): Oh.
This is so awkward.
(EXHALES) Everything good here? My sister let a boy touch her boob.
(NATALIE LAUGHS) (CHUCKLES): It's not funny.
No, it's not funny, Grace.
(SCOFFS) I was so happy that you were being so supportive.
It turns out you only wanted me out of the house so that you could, you know - Boob action.
- Yes, Nat.
Thank you.
(SIGHS) You know what your mother would say right now? Yes.
Well? What would that be? You don't know? No, I have no idea.
Your mom and I had a very strict division of labor.
We were a team.
She did discipline, I put toys together.
She did diapers, I did vomit.
But this, what happened tonight? That would be her sitting here right now.
I'm sorry, Dad.
But I-I mean, you don't have to worry.
- You know you can trust me.
- Yes.
But I'm gonna watch you like a hawk.
Fantastic.
(LAUGHS) We're gonna have to make some changes, guys.
I mean, starting with me.
The way we've been living? Dogs on the counter? - Uh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
And, also, brownies for dinner? I mean, I'm 12 years old, and even I know that is messed up.
- (CHUCKLES) - Okay.
Agreed.
But we can do this.
Hands right here.
If we can make it through this last year, we can make it through anything.
I miss Mom.
I miss her, too, kiddo.
(PHONE CHIMING) What keeps making that noise? Um, I don't know.
- It's your dating app, isn't it? - No, it's not.
- Oh, yeah, give it to me.
Give it to me.
- Uh-huh.
Yes, it is.
Oh.
Oh.
- We can do better than her.
- Let me see.
"Oh, I'm gonna go drop my kids off at the museum.
" Like, outside the grocery store (EXCITED CHATTER AND LAUGHING CONTINUES) Behold! Wade's five-alarm chili! (ALL CHEERING) Wade, it is so good to see you cooking again.
- Thank you, Michelle.
- Mm-hmm.
I really think that I'm turning a corner.
Mmm, what we got here? Uh, special recipe.
No more than two bowls each.
- Ah! (LAUGHS) - Okay.
Enjoy.
- We won't.
- Enjoy.
Mmm.
You know what I forgot in all this? - Hmm? - Wade is a terrible cook.
He sucks.
Ugh.
(SNIFFS, WHINES) - Yeah.
- (TALKING QUIETLY) Andrew.
Y-Yes, sir? We're cool.
Just, uh, sit right here.
That's fair.
Yeah.
DELIA: Hey.
- Hey.
Hey, Delia.
- Hey, kiddo.
So, you know, your dad tells me that you entered - the exploration phase of life, huh? - Oh, God.
No, no, no.
There's nothing to feel ashamed or weird about.
This is very natural.
You know, I'm a pediatrician, so I would love to just unpack this with you.
Can I just have a pamphlet or something? No.
Okay.
Now, there's a physiological response for a lot of things.
- Oh, God.
- Like when we get embarrassed, we start to sweat.
(CHUCKLES): And sometimes, when we get real turned-on You might want to listen to this.
Huh? If you're feeling bad Hey, Wade.
Oh, hey, Tracy.
Mmm.
This chili is bomb.
- Mmm.
- Oh, thank you.
I'll, um, I'll send you the recipe.
Oh, I-I'd rather you just teach me how to make it.
Oh.
Uh, sure.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Why not? We can, we can figure something out.
Mmm.
Mm-hmm.
Uh, hey, guys, can we, uh can we huddle up over here? I don't want to be that guy, but I think Tracy Wilvers is really into me.
You go back to her place! We will watch your kids! - Why are you yelling at me? - God, Forrest.
It's Tracy Wilvers! Who is just fine.
Go over there.
I feel like you just need to talk with her yourself.
- Go, go, go.
Go, go, go.
- Like, you can do that.
(MOUTHS) DELIA: Don't do that.
(MOUTHS) - FORREST: No, no, no, don't fist bump! - DELIA: And he blew it up.
What is he doing?