The Unicorn (2019) s01e02 Episode Script

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

His wife's funeral was almost a year ago, and they're still living off the meals people made for them.
- Hey, Wade.
- Hey, Tracy.
This man has no idea what catnip he is to these women.
You are a devoted father.
You were a devoted husband.
You are a unicorn.
You know, that elusive - creature that all single women are looking for.
- Are you guys saying that all of these women are only into me because - my wife died? - Yep.
You're factory fresh, buddy.
Oh, what stinks in here? Noah's eating Sour Bombz.
They're the sourest thing in the world.
Don't believe me? Ask a scientist.
Oh, my God, that chemical smell is making my eyes water.
Natalie? Hey, Grace, can you put your seat belt on? Grace? Hello? - She's on Instagram.
- What? No, I'm not! - Then what is it? - Oh, it's a new app.
It's called "Why don't you mind your own business?" Yeah, I've heard of it.
Wade, word on the street is you've got a date tonight.
Oh, yeah? Is the street your mom? I'd rather not say, but she says you shouldn't be allowed to pick out your own date because you've got no sense.
(LAUGHS) Well, that's an interesting perspective.
All right.
Hey, Michelle.
- Hey, Wade.
Uh, by any chance, have you been talking about my social life in front of your kids? It wasn't me.
Noah, what did Mama say about keeping our mouths shut? I'm just making small talk.
Well, talk about sports.
Which one? There's, like, a hundred.
I don't care.
Basketball, football, hockey.
Sorry, Wade.
- Fencing.
- What's fencing? It's things with knives.
- You'd like it.
- NOAH: Can I sit in the front? No, you can't sit in the front, 'cause you don't know no sports.
- So then, as soon as he walked away - Uh-huh.
- my friend said, "Do you know who that is?" - Mm? - "That was Boston Rob".
- No.
- Boston Rob? No.
- Yes! Yeah.
I have no idea who that is.
The guy from Survivor.
Oh, Survivor.
Oh, I-I-I I love them.
- Are you kidding? "Eye of the Tiger"? - (LAUGHS) I didn't know they were from Boston.
Oh oh, no.
No, Survivor, the television show? It's been on for, like, 15 years? Oh.
Um, I don't have television down in my cave.
That was a joke.
I-I don't really live in a cave.
(LAUGHING) You're hilarious! I've never heard of Boston Rob.
Thank you very much.
Seriously? He was on Survivor? Survivor All-Stars? Survivor Redemption Island? Survivor Hero vs.
Villains? We've never seen any of the Survivors, Forrest.
- Mm.
- Survivor Marquesas? - Oh, yes.
Yeah, seen that one.
- Wasn't that great? We've seen no Survivors! - Okay! - Slalom! FORREST: Hey, listen.
There's more fish in the sea, right? Well, what makes you think it was a bad date? Literally everything you said about it.
Long silences, awkward conversations, no sex.
There was never gonna be any sex, Forrest.
- Not with that attitude.
- (CHUCKLES) Okay.
All right, I admit it.
We didn't exactly have chemistry, and she did substitute a side salad for the coleslaw.
- Oh, we are done with her.
- She didn't eat the coleslaw?! - At Edgerton's? - She's dead! - Dead! - She was very nice.
And to be fair, uh, I'm a little rusty.
You know, I've barely been on a date in 20 years.
So, who am I to judge? You're not going out with her again, are you? Friday.
- Oh, she's a dud! - Why? She was very nice.
Okay, nice is nice, but nice isn't everything, Wade.
Mm-hmm, nice is nothing.
I'm not nice.
Delia's not nice.
I'm nice.
Look, it's a no-pressure thing, all right? We're just gonna go out, and we're gonna have drinks.
That's all.
I just got an alert on my phone saying that I spent $12 on Lime.
- What's Lime? - MICHELLE: Oh, it's those scooters that people are riding all over the place.
Oh, yeah, people don't wear helmets.
I'm constantly yelling out the window at them.
- (DOOR OPENS) - Nicely.
Hey, everyone.
- Hey, pumpkin.
- Hey.
Uh, have you been on a Lime? (CHUCKLES) Since when do you know about Lime? I don't.
I just got an alert on my phone.
Thought I turned those alerts off on your phone.
Why would you do that? So she could ride a Lime.
Please tell me you wore a helmet.
Uh (CHUCKLES) Come on, of course.
- Give me some credit.
- Yeah, that's a no.
Oh, Grace, come on.
You know the drill.
I've got to know where you are at all times, no exceptions.
But that's an invasion of my privacy.
You're 14 years old.
- You don't get to have privacy.
- DELIA: Okay.
Excuse me.
Just curious over here.
Uh, do you want a serious head injury? Is that, like, what all the cool kids are doing? Are you, like, "Hey, dude! I'm rocking this subdural hematoma!" - "Oh, no way, I'm so jelly!" - (CHUCKLES) Is it yeah like that? Is it like that? You know what? I'm canceling your Lime account.
I don't know how to do that.
You cancel your Lime account, but do it for real, or else I'm gonna take your phone away.
WADE: Well, my night's off to a great start.
DELIA: Look, there is no shame in canceling a date - if you're just not feeling it.
- Mm-hmm.
My sister Meg told me she saw her date roll up in a PT Cruiser, so she went on the app and canceled him before he cleared the valet stand.
And then she called an Uber, which sadly was also him.
Uh, well, good for her, but I don't judge people that quickly.
First dates are always awkward.
Maybe this one will be different.
(LAUGHING LOUDLY) Oh, seriously? Yeah, yeah.
Went went right through my foot.
Yeah, yeah, it was worse.
Somehow, it was worse.
Well, now you know, and you can move on.
- Yeah.
I can move on.
You know what? - (PHONE CHIMES) You're exactly right about that.
- I can just move on.
- Mm-hmm.
It's Lizzie.
"Last night was fun.
" - Really? - (CHUCKLES) I mean, I guess she did laugh a lot.
- Not at my jokes, but still - Hey.
- You're a magnetic guy.
- Hmm.
- Yeah, but I don't know, what do I do? - Nothing.
- Come on.
No, come on, man.
- (CHUCKLING): You do nothing, Wade.
I'm not that kind of guy.
How about this? How about just, uh, "Yes, it was"? Done.
There it is.
- No looking back.
- No looking back.
- Okay.
- All right.
Yeah, it's time to play some soccer.
- (LAPTOP CHIMES) - Oh, what's that? Oh.
Uh, it's that woman Lizzie I went out with.
She sent me a friend request.
You don't have to accept it.
Yeah that seems kind of mean.
No reason not to be friends.
You posted a picture of your lunch.
- (GRUNTS) - (CELL PHONE CHIMES) Oh, I really don't want to play Boggle with you right now.
(EXHALES) Cat catch (CELL PHONE CHIMES) (SIGHS) That's cute.
Oh, come on.
Uh (GROANS) - (PHONE CHIMES) - WADE: Ah, would you stop it? - Stop! - What? - BEN: Oh, you okay? - No.
- It's Lizzie.
- Lizzie? Lizzie the dud? Yes.
Yes, we have been in almost constant contact.
- Ugh.
- Guys, I'm drowning here.
I had no idea that dating was going to be this complicated.
When I was young, you would just go to a keg party at somebody's farm, and you would meet a girl at the bonfire - and start making out.
- Right.
- Mmm.
- Next thing you know, bam.
You're a thing.
And after a while, you would have some dumb fight, and she'd throw all your cassettes out the truck window, and that was it.
You just moved on.
Right, hey, uh, quick question: Did you grow up inside of a John Cougar Mellencamp song? (CHUCKLES) - Yeah Sort of.
- Ah.
That explains that.
Look, the whole thing, it just happens so fast now.
I mean, I know everything there is to know about this woman.
Her rabbit has diarrhea.
- Wow.
- BEN: Ugh.
I mean, what do what do I do? You can change your number.
Tell her to feed the rabbit a banana? What? Cheese? Guys, I don't even know why I'm even asking you.
You have no idea what it's like out there now.
- (PHONE CHIMES) - Ho, ho.
- Oh, God.
- Well - God.
- FORREST: What? - What is it now? - She got bangs.
FORREST: She got Well, okay.
- Relax.
Don't like it.
Just don't like it.
- That's her choice.
BEN: No, Wade! - Oh! Why? - Come on! Well, I'm-I'm sure she's probably feeling insecure she got bangs.
- Well, I get that.
- What? It's a big move.
How can Wade say I don't know what it's like out there? He's just wrong.
I'm not out of touch.
- Please.
You were never in touch.
- What?! I could write a book on dating.
You remember how I wooed you with champagne? Wooed? You yelled at me from across the club, "Yo, baby! I got Cristal! The best for the best!" It worked, didn't it? - Yes, it worked.
- (CHUCKLES) And that's why it's going in my book.
Wade's wrong.
We know what it's like out there.
We were just in the game, like, a minute ago.
Honey, it's been 20 years.
Oh, my God.
Has it? Deels, are we old? - No, we're not old.
- No.
- We got our whole lives ahead of us.
- Yes.
Just less of it.
Aw, crap.
Let's go make love right now.
- (WHISPERS): Yes.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
Or I'm listening.
- Better.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- I'm gonna put it in the shared calendar.
- Good.
'Cause you've just been served.
- (CHUCKLES) You know, we'd been together two weeks, and you still thought my name was Nicole.
- It was a loud club.
- Mmm.
Are you getting a divorce? We are having an adult conversation.
Connor's parents got a divorce, and he got an iPad.
Well, sorry, we're very happy together, so you're getting nothing.
BEN: I don't know.
- Maybe Wade is right.
- Hmm? I'm not in these streets like I used to be.
And I want to help him, but I don't even know what the rules are anymore.
You know who does? Please don't say my sister.
Okay, Meg, I just want you to talk to him.
- Do not hit on him.
Do not touch him.
- I won't.
MICHELLE: I mean it, he's in a very vulnerable place.
How vulnerable? Meg, I do not want him mixed up in your whole mess.
- I am not a mess.
- What's in the coffee cup? Coffee.
Try again.
Thank you.
Where's Grace? Ah, she insisted on staying home.
Not sure what's going on with her lately, but just trying to give her a little space.
Yeah, I wouldn't worry about that, man.
I was a bit of a loner myself when I was her age.
You know, but luckily, I found speed metal, started getting high, and a whole new world of colors opened up to me.
- What? - DELIA: Oh, but don't worry, Wade.
- She's nothing like him.
- Oh, no, no.
Not at all.
That's not what I was saying.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Wade.
Uh, you remember my sister Meg.
She was at the game today.
Yeah, yeah, Meg.
Hey, how you doing? I'm fine.
So fine.
NOAH: Natalie, check me out.
These things are so hot they're illegal in ten states.
Are you crying? No.
I'm cool.
Wade, honey, I'm on all the dating sites.
I know what's what, okay? And I'll tell you something.
These women aren't just sitting by the phone waiting for a Prince Charming to call.
Okay? Men are a commodity.
Trust me.
I'm dating three guys right now.
Bread-crumbing another.
And this guy that I Caspered four guys ago is orbiting me.
DELIA: I'm sorry.
- What? - Was that even English? What I'm saying is don't worry, baby.
Just because you went on a date with someone does not mean you're in a relationship, okay? BEN: Boom.
See, Wade? You better listen to Meg.
- She knows what she's talking about.
- WADE: Yeah.
I guess it was just a couple of dates.
- A couple? - Uh, yeah.
That-that's not a problem, right? MEG: Okay, okay, cool.
Just as long as you cut it off before a third.
Uh, there-there is a third.
- Oh, boy.
- Uh, she invited me to - her friend's play.
- Ugh.
- And you said yes? - Well, I clicked "interested" on Facebook, and she called me out on it, so yeah.
Why are you Facebook friends with this woman? Because she asked.
And she likes to play Boggle.
Wait, you're playing Boggle with her? MEG: I'm sorry, I'm too late.
- This man's in a relationship.
- No.
I-I was just trying to be nice.
That's all.
And what'd we tell you about trying to be nice? Okay, you were right.
- Well, break up with her.
- I can't do that.
Oh, for God sakes, why not? Because that would leave her alone.
And that's the worst thing that you could do to somebody.
I know, Delia.
I've been through it.
Oh, honey, don't you think you're projecting just a little bit here? MICHELLE: Yeah, this is not the same thing that happened to you.
Yeah, well, maybe it's not, but I-I can't hurt someone like that.
I just can't.
(PHONE VIBRATING) No, no, no, Wade, maybe no more Boggle, though, huh? - No, it's Grace.
- MICHELLE: Is she okay? Yeah, yeah, she's fine.
I gotta go.
Her bike has a flat tire.
Wait, I thought she was at home.
Yeah, so did I.
BEN: Oh, geez.
Poor guy.
- Aw, he's just too nice for this world.
- Yeah.
Ooh, I would make him so happy.
Have I not been clear with you? Noah, did you eat your supper? My tummy hurts for no reason.
Did you eat this whole bag of red-hot nonsense? And a whole thing of Sour Bombz.
- They're not even sour to me.
- DELIA: Oh, God.
Try to get some milk in him.
Whichever end it comes out of, it is not gonna be pretty.
Ben? Why does Noah keep doing that? Because he wants to impress you.
Are you saying Noah likes me? He's, like, ten.
Like, a young ten.
Okay, he's not even thinking on that level.
- This is a prepubescent courtship ritual.
- MEG: Mm-hmm.
- I was gonna say the same thing.
- Yeah.
- Okay, well, that is weird and gross.
- Uh-huh, well, I hate to break it to you, but the subsequent phases of male development aren't much of an improvement.
FORREST: Hey, Deels, check me out.
I'm having a food baby.
Might be twins.
Oh, good for you.
Look, before you say anything, I was wearing my helmet.
- That's important to remember.
- Grace are you out of your mind? Do you really think this is okay? Sneaking out of the house, coming downtown to do God knows what.
- You won't understand, Dad.
- No, I probably won't.
But just for the fun of it, let's-let's try.
I was just going to walls.
Walls? For Instagram.
- Instagram is an app.
- I know that.
It's the whole wall part that I'm not getting.
(SCOFFS) All of this just to take your picture in front of a wall? Come on, Grace, don't you think that's a little Stupid? Yes, Dad, it's stupid.
That's why I was trying to hide it from you.
And, I mean, I'm sorry, it's just I mean, all the girls at my school are doing it, and I know I shouldn't care about that, but I do.
And they're all getting likes.
I want likes, too.
I mean, I hate likes, but I still want them.
So you're-you're doing this to be popular? No, no, not popular.
Just normal.
I mean, after the past year, I just I want to feel normal again.
Hey, come here.
I get that.
(SIGHS) I'm trying to feel normal, too.
That's why I started dating again.
Thought it would help me get back to being myself.
Is it working? No, it is not.
I went out with that woman a couple of times, and then the whole thing spiraled on me.
I know I need to get out of it, but I can't.
Okay, now, that's stupid.
Well, I don't want to hurt anyone, Grace.
Dad, if you're unhappy, that means Natalie and I are unhappy.
- That hurts us.
- Hmm.
That's a good point.
- Right? - Yeah.
Don't call your dad stupid.
- Sorry.
- Okay.
- (GRUNTS) - We going home? Uh not yet.
Come on.
Okay, hands a little bit Okay, a little bit A little lower.
Just, okay, on the string.
Okay, all right, perfect.
Okay, uh, carried away by mariposas! (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING) - Yes! You're welcome, - Thank you.
you're welcome.
Now, here.
Uh, I want you to-to take a picture of me.
- Seriously? - Oh, hell yes.
- You don't even have an Instagram.
- That's okay.
I'm gonna use yours.
Your friends are gonna love it.
- No, you're not.
- Okay, ready, - and - Oh, perfect.
- Oh, my gosh.
- How about this? One where I'm jumping.
Wah! - Oh! With the ninja jump.
Yes! - Yeah! All right, come on, let's go get something to eat.
GRACE: Oh, you can put these on Lizzie's Instagram.
Uh, that's not funny.
Ah, come on.
Hey, uh, guys, guys.
Uh, so, I've been talking to Grace, and she thinks that it's time that I end - this thing with Lizzie.
- DELIA: Oh, wow.
What a great idea.
MICHELLE: We've been telling you this from the beginning.
Why are you just now getting it? Look, however you got there, great.
Oh, I felt a kick.
- You got this, buddy? - Yeah.
Yes, yes.
Uh Dear Lizzie - You don't write "dear" in a text.
- I know.
I'm nervous.
Hey, Lizzie, how are you? I hope that your rabbit is feeling better.
MICHELLE: Cut to the chase, Wade.
FORREST: Let me do it for you.
Watch this.
Check this out.
All right, um, dictation.
Lizzie, it's Wade.
Regarding our recent dates, I regret to inform you that we're done.
Good luck in your future romantic ventures.
VOICE ON PHONE: Lizzie in suede regarding your resin days arigato inform you that weird one good luck in your foot your old robotic features.
- I don't hate that.
- You know what? I can do this.
I just have to do it my way.
- Okay? All right.
- Okay.
MEG: Oh, I hate to see him go, but I love to watch him walk away.
NATALIE: Well, Noah's feeling better, but now he's bragging he's gonna eat expired yogurt.
He's trying to impress her.
(SINGSONGY): I'm doing it.
I'm really gonna do it.
MICHELLE: Aw, look at my little man.
He's got game, just like his daddy.
Chobani today, - Cristal tomorrow.
- That's right.
"But please understand that my intention was never to hurt you.
And while you undoubtedly will make some lucky man very, very happy, I'm afraid that that man can't be me.
So thank you for everything, and I hope that we can still play Boggle.
" - No, you can't.
- Delete that.
"Best wishes.
May the wind always be at your back.
- Hmm.
- Fondly, Wade F.
" Well, it's not short.
- No, it's perfect.
Don't change a word.
- BEN: Send it.
Just send it.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
(PHONE CHIMES) Okay, it's done.
I sent it.
- All right.
- Thanks, guys.
- You're welcome.
- Oh, oh, oh, we got dots.
She's writing back.
(PHONE CHIMES) Broken heart, broken heart, broken heart.
"I'm crushed"? Oh, my God, what have I done? What have I done? You people are monsters! Then your daughter's the monster.
It was Grace's idea.
DELIA: Forrest! Did you just throw a child under the bus? (MOUTHING WORDS) BEN: Wait, hold up.
We got more dots.
- Just messing with you.
- DELIA: Oh, God.
- (RELIEVED SIGHS) - I'm on a date right now.
- Call me if you ever want to bone sometime.
" - Wow.
Well - Oh.
- FORREST: Whoa.
That's rather forward.
WADE: Wow.
So that's - that's it.
- Mm-hmm.
She's fine.
Lizzie is she's fine, right? - That's what it sounds like.
- Oh, yeah, okay.
All right, she's fine.
I think everything is better than fine, man.
You're free, and you got a bone in your back pocket.
- DELIA: Not bad.
- MICHELLE: So that's good.
- FORREST: There you go.
- That's not bad.
BEN: Whoo! We call that the win-win.
Wait a minute, Wade, you got another text coming in.
(PHONE CHIMES) Oh, don't read the man's texts.
Apparently, he has two bones in his back pocket.
WADE: Meg - I am very flattered.
- Do not talk to her.
Man, she will tear your pants right off.
Look forward, Wade.
ANNOUNCER: Watch The Good Place, all new next on Global.

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