The Unicorn (2019) s01e08 Episode Script

Turkeys and Traditions

1 Grace, Natalie, I have a bone to pick with you.
- So lame.
- Really, Dad? I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me.
- I must have lost my head.
- (LAUGHTER) I'm so embarrassed for you right now.
I made you laugh.
That was a pity laugh.
Hey, uh, Nat, you know, we should probably throw that thing away.
No.
Not my jane-o'-lantern.
All right, uh, as long as you promise to get rid of her before she gets all smushy.
- Promise.
- ‭WADE: So, Thanksgiving.
What are we thinking? NATALIE: Can't we do what we just did last year? You know, watch Marvel movies in our PJs? Sure, although the only reason that we did that last year is it was so soon after Mom and everything.
I don't know.
This year, it might be nice to have a real Thanksgiving.
Uh, we could.
But I don't know.
Thanksgiving was always Mom's favorite, and it might feel like a lot.
Mom would not want us moping around.
Why don't we invite the whole gang? We could invite your Aunt Allison up from Pensacola.
Huh? Come on, it would make your mom so happy for us to spend the holiday with her sister.
I guess that could be fun.
You know it can.
And you guys can make that casserole that Mom always made.
The one with the sweet potatoes - and the bacon.
Ooh.
- (LAUGHTER) - I could eat a million pounds of that stuff.
- Oh, oh a million pounds.
Me, too.
All right, let's do it.
Give it to me.
Yes! Thanksgiving.
I guess this idea isn't that boneheaded.
You're stealing my material.
(LAUGHS) But it's all very humerus.
(LAUGHTER) I don't get that one.
You know what? Don't even worry about it.
All right.
We're having Thanksgiving.
ALL: Rest in pieces! Guys, I-I want to ask you a favor.
I know that you usually spend Thanksgiving with Ben's family in New Orleans, but I was hoping, if maybe this year, you could spend it with us instead? You're doing Thanksgiving? Good for you.
BEN: You know what? Hell yes.
We'll be there, man.
We got you.
MICHELLE: Yeah, sounds way better than hanging out with Ben's weird cousins.
- They're not weird, they're eccentric.
- WADE: Oh, guys, I am so happy that you are coming.
I mean, Thanksgiving was always such a Jill thing.
And I'm just, I don't know, I'm feeling nervous about it.
What can we bring? BEN: I know.
I can whip up one of my world-famous deep-fried turkeys.
That would be amazing.
- No.
Uh-uh.
He asks every year, - ‭Mm-hmm.
and I always say no.
But Wade just said yes.
Wade's house, Wade's rules.
- Go turkey.
Go turkey.
- No.
Don't ain't no go turkey.
- Go turkey.
Go turkey - No turkey.
Stop dancing.
MICHELLE: Didn't I say stop dancing? I hope Wade knows how much work it's gonna be.
Don't worry about that.
He's got it covered.
Ben and Michelle are doing the turkey, Allison's bringing pies, and guess what, he assigned us - root vegetables.
- ‭Great.
I know, all right, they're not the star of the show, right? But a really good parsnip dish goes a long way.
No.
Allison's coming.
I always get the feeling like she doesn't like me.
Come on, that's silly.
- (SCOFFS) - Why wouldn't she like you? Everybody likes you.
You know, you're smart and beautiful, - Aw.
- and-and your hair, my God, it's lustrous, you know? Like you, like you came in from a summer storm.
Forrest, I'm not gonna have sex with you right now.
What? Tha (LAUGHS) That's really I'm working.
(LAUGHS): Have sex right Gosh.
Okay, quickly.
All right.
Awesome.
Natalie, you got to throw away your jane-o'-lantern! I'm not touching that thing, it's gross.
- Uh, how's it going in here? - Not great.
I've been trying to find the casserole recipe online but there's a million of them and none of them look right.
Your mom kept all of her recipes in this binder.
W-Where, where did I see that thing? Aren't you supposed to cook those first? Yeah, but I'm enjoying watching her try.
- All right.
I am going to find those recipes.
- (DOORBELL RINGS) Hey.
Our first guests are here! Happy Thanksgiving! - Hey, hey.
- Hey.
Food's here.
- Wow.
- We got green bean casserole, we got two types of stuffing, we got mashed potatoes, - we got sweet potatoes.
- Whoa.
- MICHELLE: Aw - (BARKING) We don't got sweet potatoes.
WADE: It's fine.
The girls have it covered.
- BEN: Coming through! - Welcome, everybody.
- Whoa.
- Coming through.
Make space, clear a path to the backyard Yeah.
Yeah.
- Clear a path to the backyard.
- Whoa, are you, uh, are you gonna build a rocket back there? Turkey fryer.
I've been waiting years to fire this baby up.
(STIFLED LAUGH) If I were you, I'd call the fire department now.
I heard that! - DELIA: Wait.
Hi.
We're here.
- Oh.
Oh.
- Hey.
Wow.
- Hi.
- Welcome.
- FORREST: Come on, man.
- Yeah, just, uh, yeah.
- Oh.
Come right there we go.
BEN: You're a lucky man, Noah.
You know why? You are about to witness the birth of a new Taylor Thanksgiving tradition.
The deep-fried turkey.
(EXHALES) Watch and learn, son.
One day, you'll pass this knowledge on to your own kids.
I don't want kids.
They're annoying.
Can't fight you on that one.
Hello? - Allison.
Allison.
- (GASPS) Aw.
(CHUCKLES) - H-Hey.
- Thanks so much for inviting us.
Hey, why isn't the TV on? - We're missing the pregame show.
- Oh, Jim.
Could you at least make an effort at pleasantries? - (LAUGHS) ‭ - Okay, Wade, how you doing? You're looking good.
Why isn't the TV on? Knock yourself out, Jim.
- Ooh.
- Football is his wife, I am his sidepiece.
- I've accepted it.
(CHUCKLES) - (CHUCKLES) Layne, look at you.
Wow.
You're turning into a man.
'Kay.
Congratulations, Wade, you got a whole syllable out of him.
- (CHUCKLES) - Mom, stop.
- Okay.
- Uh, that's, uh, two.
Hey, girls! Look who's here! - Aunt Allison! - You're here! - (CHUCKLES) - Natalie, Grace, - you're so beautiful! (GASPS) ‭ - (CHUCKLING) Wait, we can't say that anymore.
You're strong and independent.
(GASPS) You made us pies.
- Yes.
- Thank you.
(EXHALES) I can't believe it.
Every day, they look more and more like Jill.
Yeah, they sure do.
Hey, Wade! Where's the rest of your TV? I got toenails bigger than this screen.
Honey, that's gross! Oh, boy.
Here comes Allison.
So I'm just gonna slap a big smile on my face and get through the day.
- Allison! - Hey.
Well, if it isn't my favorite - Raleigh power couple.
- (CHUCKLING) - Ah, come on.
- Mm.
- Forrest, I swear, - Uh-huh.
- you are reverse-aging.
- (CHUCKLES): No.
You look like a cooler Moby.
- Really? - (FORREST LAUGHS) That is literally the nicest compliment I've ever received.
Yeah.
Delia.
Come here, you.
- Oh, hi, you.
- (CHUCKLES): Oh.
- Uh Oh, my God! - Whoa.
- Is this cute little Layne? ‭ - Yeah.
What happened? In a great way.
- FORREST: Yeah.
- You are just - Ah.
Hi! - FORREST: Layne, awesome shirt.
Ring-ding, da-da-da, ring-ding.
- (CROAKING) Metal.
‭ - (CHUCKLES) Ah.
- Adorable.
(CHUCKLES) - Yeah.
- He's so excited to be here.
‭ - No.
- I bet.
‭ - Yeah.
- Delia.
- Yes.
- You look tired.
- Really? ‭Why don't you sit down and-and relax? - And I'll-I'll set the table.
- No, it's okay.
We're almost done, and I'm very refreshed.
I'm just very particular about everything being just so.
I'm like Martha Stewart without the criminal record.
- Oh! (CHUCKLES) - (LAUGHS) I'm gonna use that one.
(LAUGHS) - That's good.
- (CHUCKLES) That's a lot of oil, Benjamin.
The guy on YouTube said you need enough oil to cover the bird.
So you're cooking our Thanksgiving dinner from a YouTube video? He's got, like, 2,000 subscribers.
What do you do with the oil afterwards? Ain't nobody looked at that video yet.
He's going deep! He's got it! Yes! Wade, you are missing a great game.
I know.
I would love to watch it, I just promised the girls that I would find Jill's recipe book.
GRACE: No! Don't put those in there! I know I'm right.
I've been eating this longer than you.
- By, like, two years.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- What's going on? - Natalie is ruining it by putting in marshmallows.
No, this is what she used to make it sweeter.
- No, she put in molasses.
- Listen, everybody's gonna love whatever you make because do you know what the most important ingredient is? - Don't say love.
- (CHUCKLES) I wasn't going to say love.
I was going to say nutmeg.
Guys, this is stupid.
We can't make Mom's recipe.
Only Mom could do it.
No, we're gonna do this.
I am gonna find Mom's recipe book, and everything is going to be great.
(EXPLOSION) (LAUGHING) It's okay! Everything's okay.
Sounded way worse than it was.
Everything's gonna be great.
All right.
Oh.
How are we, uh, how are we doing on appetizers, huh? Do we, uh, do we have enough cranberries? I can run to the store.
I mean, they don't close until 3:00.
Wade, relax.
You're working way too hard here.
JIM: Wade, get your butt in here! - Check that out, man.
- Whoa! Ha! Rang his bell, huh? - NATALIE: Dad! - Uh, yeah? Whoo! Right, recipe book, I am on it.
- Wade, do you want me to make some coffee? - Would you, Allison? - That would be great.
- Actually, I already made a pot.
Oh, was this coffee? It was so pale, I thought it was tea.
I'm such a dingbat.
That's coffee.
And you're pouring it out anyway.
Okay.
Great.
190 degrees.
Once this baby hits 350, in goes that turkey, and it's fry, birdie, fry.
What else can you fry in there? Oh, son, you can fry just about anything in this.
A ham? Sure, you can fry a ham.
A soccer ball? I guess so.
Another smaller fryer? Pass me the flavor injector.
It should be in my bag.
Mm.
It's not in here.
Watch out, son.
Watch out, watch out, watch out.
Let's see Damn.
I must have left it at the house.
Okay, I'm gonna just run home real quick and grab it.
You want me to watch the fryer? Second thought, you're coming with me.
Hey, buddy.
Yo.
(MUSIC PLAYING OVER HEADPHONES) Onion dip! O.
D.
Oh, and Ruffles.
Shoot.
I used to go to town on these bitches back in the day.
You want some of these, you better make your move, 'cause I'm about to rip 'em a new "A".
(CHUCKLES) What are you listening to? (LOUDLY): What are you listening to? You wouldn't know them.
(LAUGHS) Okay.
I'm, like, a veteran metalhead from way back.
Try me.
Mercyful Fate.
Nah, I do not know them.
But I saw Megadeth, I saw Slayer.
I saw MotÃrhead nine times.
Lemmy spit on me twice.
What was the last show you saw? The Wiggles.
It was The Wiggles, yeah.
But, again, nine MotÃrheads.
(SIGHS) (SCOFFS) And he takes the chips.
Dick move, Layne.
Ah.
Man.
What smells so good in here? That's a good question.
Judas.
Alexa, set timer for 15 minutes.
ALEXA: 15 minutes, starting now.
Oh, you know what? That's a little long.
Layne doesn't like it when the bottoms get burned.
- Oh.
- ‭Alexa, set timer for 12 minutes.
ALEXA: Second timer, 12 minutes, starting now.
Hmm.
That's seems a little short, 'cause then the middle's still gonna be a little doughy, so Alexa, set timer for 15 minutes.
ALEXA: Third timer, 15 minutes, starting now.
You know, that's a great point, Delia.
- Why don't we set it for 12 minutes? - Mm-hmm.
And then we'll check and see if it needs another minute or two.
Alexa, set timer for 12 minutes.
ALEXA: Fourth timer, 12 minutes, starting now.
Perfect.
- ANNOUNCER (OVER TV): That's gonna be incomplete.
- Peanut.
Why is there a turkey in our oven? I just thought it couldn't hurt to have a backup, you know, just in case.
In case my turkey goes wrong? Don't you trust that I know what I'm doing? - No, I do.
- If you did, you wouldn't be sneaking around behind your husband's back with a turkey on the side.
Now you being a little dramatic.
I don't want to hear it.
I'm gonna go put my turkey in the fryer.
At least I know it won't stab me in the back.
Ooh, look at that catch.
Henderson has great hands.
ADDIE: Why are you making us watch this? Because it's no fun to watch football alone.
When did you say Beyoncé's coming out? Oh, uh, uh, 15, 20 minutes.
MICHELLE: Is someone gonna turn off those timers? (SIGHS, MUTTERS) Here.
No.
DELIA: Alexa, off.
Where the hell is this book? JIM: That guy's got six interceptions.
- Oh, hey, Jim.
You good? - Oh, hell yeah.
Wouldn't say "no" to a beer.
Yeah, there's a 12-pack in the fridge.
There was.
Wow.
Yeah, buddy.
Sure, I got you.
(SIGHS) - Wade, you okay? - Yeah.
I'm just looking for something.
And I've got to go get some more beer for Jim.
And all of these timers keep going off.
Are you ready for a little dip? The oil's just fine.
Aah! (OIL GURGLING AND SIZZLING) Ah.
(SIGHS) "Kitchen".
"My recipes".
Hmm.
Wow.
Hmm.
"Rolled sweet cookies".
"Sweet potato casserole".
"Only put the pecan toppings on half, because Grace loves them, and Natalie hates them.
Finish on broil to make crispier, because that's" "That's how Wade likes it".
GRACE: Dad? Dad?! Um yeah, in-in, uh in-in the garage.
Hey.
Uncle Jim was worried you got lost on your way to find the beer.
- No.
It's right here.
- Hey! - You found the recipe.
‭ - Yeah.
I found it.
Thanks.
(LAUGHS) Natalie, he found it! (SIGHS) - (SIGHS) - FORREST: Hey.
There you are.
Listen, bad news.
It looks like the sweet potatoes went right through the dogs.
Oh.
Also, uh, I hate to be a narc, but Grace has beer.
FORREST: Gonna need more than one roll! Kids, wash up! Two minutes to dinner! So, you and I are gonna sit here next to Ben and Michelle.
And Grace wanted to sit at the adult table, because Layne gets to, but You should let her there's room here, and she is 14.
And I would, but it opens a whole can of worms for Natalie.
(CHUCKLES): Delia.
I'm always impressed at how you manage to make the simplest things so complicated.
(LAUGHS) I'm sorry, I have been trying all day to just be so nice to you, while you have just been peckin' away at me just peck, peck, peck, peck, like a little chicken! - Like a chicken! - FORREST: Okay.
- Just like a little tiny chicken! - Okay.
Okay, uh, Delia okay, I got to apologize.
See, here's the thing.
Delia has it in her head that for some reason she thinks you don't like her.
- (BOTH CHUCKLE) - Oh - FORREST: Yeah.
- Oh.
- That explains it.
- ‭FORREST: Right.
(CHUCKLES) Uh, I didn't hear a denial there.
Well, the truth is I don't really like her.
Ha-ha-ha! Yes! Yes! Told you, Forrest! Wait.
What? Why don't you like me? This isn't the right time, Delia.
No.
I need to know.
What could you possibly have against me? I mean, I do everything for your nieces.
I was like a sister to Jill.
Jill had a sister! I was her sister! But did she go to the beach at Hilton Head with me? No, she went with you.
You are the one she confided in, called when there was news.
I mean, Grace and Natalie even call you Aunt Delia.
First of all, I don't even like being called Aunt Delia, because it sounds like pancake mix.
And I was not trying to replace you, Allison.
I was just being a good friend to Jill.
- You don't help Delia.
You impose.
‭ - Okay, you know what? While you were in Pensacola, I've been here for Wade and the girls.
It's because of me that they're not eating frozen dinners every single night.
It's because of me that Wade has finally started to date! A You're dating? You hadn't told her that? I was waiting for the right time.
And-and this this is not it.
Course, I'm the last one to know about this.
- (SIGHS) - ‭DELIA: Well, you do live in Pensacola! Oh, my God, but I'm the crazy one, right? FORREST: These rolls are excellent.
They're buttery, you know, not oily.
I think they're gonna go great with this turkey.
BEN: Yeah, I agree, Forrest, but which turkey? You know, we happen to have two.
- Here we go.
- Question for the table.
What kind of woman doesn't have the confidence in her man's ability to prepare a succulent meal for his friends? Will you relax? I left the backup bird at home.
- What kind of woman makes a backup bird?! - Now, you need to calm down.
Look, nobody minds if I watch the game on my phone while we eat, right? Can you stop talking about football - for half an hour? - Gonna put the sound down! - You're not getting none of my bird.
- I don't want none of your greasy bird.
- Okay, okay.
- Stop it! (WADE SIGHS HEAVILY) I don't know what I was thinking.
Like I could pull off a Thanksgiving dinner.
Jill did this.
Not me.
I mean, the only thing that I did was carve the turkey, and and keep the dogs off the table.
(WADE SIGHS) What is that? I know that smell.
I do, too.
Look.
We did it.
We used Mom's recipe.
It was maple syrup that made all the difference.
Oh, girls, that is that looks incredible.
(LAUGHS): That's-that's-that's amazing.
Wow! Oh! Hey, come on.
Guys, what are we doing here? This is Thanksgiving.
All right, let's take this in there and split it up, okay? Come on.
DELIA: I'm so sorry if you thought that I was trying to take your place or No.
I'm so happy Jill had someone like you in her life.
In a way, we we both lost a sister.
MICHELLE: I got to admit, your turkey looks good.
Oh, yeah? Mm-hmm.
You gonna taste some of it? I'm gonna taste some.
- Are you using innuendo right now? - Mind your business.
Okay.
Got it.
These dates of yours, do you like any of them? Not really.
(EXHALES) Good.
But I am trying.
(SIGHS) Hmm.
MotÃrhead rocked.
Yeah, they did.
They really, really did.
- Don't touch me.
‭ - You got it.
Is everyone done apologizing? I want to eat! (OTHERS CHEER) (OVERLAPPING CHATTER) Hey, uh, before we eat, I, uh I want to say something.
Look, I-I know that I made it seem like I was super excited about Thanksgiving, but the truth is that was just an act.
Really I was worried that it was going to be a painful reminder of Jill being gone.
But I look around this table and I see Allison and I see Jim.
We got married in your backyard.
(CHUCKLES) And I see Michelle, who Jill met at the playground before Natalie and Sahai were even two.
And I see Delia, who Jill met - at that Mommy & Me art class.
You remember? - We only stayed for a few weeks, because well, it wasn't advanced enough for Addie, but I made a friend for life.
Yeah, we're all together here at this table because of Jill.
I was worried that I couldn't do this without her, but the truth is she's here.
She's in all of us.
And that's what I'm most thankful for.
Now can we eat? (OTHERS CHUCKLE) I'm grabbing that drumstick.
If you touch that drumstick, Jim, I am going to football-tackle you.
- (LAUGHTER) - ‭Uh-oh.
No more fighting.
- There is more at my house.
‭ - Okay, - then let's eat! Yes! - (CHEERING) Happy Thanksgiving! Linda.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Didn't you learn anything from the sweet potatoes? Natalie, you still haven't thrown away your pumpkin.
You should've made it throw away when you had the chance.
(GRUNTS): Oh, okay.
All right.
Let's go inside.