The Upshaws (2021) s03e04 Episode Script

Off Beat

Mommy, is the cake ready?
Is the cake ready?
I just put it in five minutes ago.
You watched me.
Yeah, well, it's taking forever.
You're ruining Mr. Pinky-paws' birthday.
He's a stuffed dog, Maya.
You never liked Mr. Pinky-paws!
Mom, if I know the girl I'm chatting with
is actually a 50-year-old man,
I'm catfishing him, right?
What the hell is wrong with you?
You trying to get took?
You are not that hard up for friends.
You know
Mm-mmm. I'mma just hang onto this.
Just let me know
if "Mr. Tiffany" hits me back.
I'll just hang with you.
When's the cake done?
Did somebody say the cake's done?
Okay! Okay!
Anybody still in this room by the time
I count to one is gonna lose Christmas.
Come on.
We not sharing gifts again.
Mm, nope. Slippery slope, Regina.
Your man's been working all hard.
I'm all tense.
Hit me with them magic fingers, babe.
Come on.
How about these magic fingers
choke your ass.
What the hell?
Bennie, I have been trapped
in this house every day, all day.
You get to leave!
Thank God. I'd go crazy
if I was in here with these kids.
I'mma kill you.
I played hide-and-seek with Maya today.
While she hid, I hid in the basement
and smoked half a joint.
Only half?
I'll be in the basement!
Not today.
Who am I kidding?
- Hey.
- Mm-hmm.
This house smells like
Willy Wonka's weed factory.
What y'all doing in here?
Barely surviving.
There you go.
Can I borrow your lavender top?
You could
if Maya hadn't cut it up
to make Mr. Pinky-paws
a birthday crop top.
Well, I'm done here. Bye.
The hell you are.
You the first adult I've talked to today.
Didn't I see Bennie's car in the driveway?
What did I say?
I don't have time to talk.
I gotta go pack
for my college homecoming this weekend.
Might be a good thing
you didn't have that top.
I tend to lose 'em
once the Remy starts flowing.
Oh, my God.
A no-kids weekend
with no kids and drinking and no kids?
Take me.
Hell no.
I'd give you a thousand dollars.
You don't have a thousand dollars.
I can borrow from you
and give it back.
Lucretia, please! I need this.
Regina, I hear you. I do.
But there's no way I'm letting
all this needy anywhere near my friends.
Where are we on that cake?
Lucretia, you can put me
in your car or under your car,
but either way, my misery is ending.
Mr. Pinky-paws' guests
are getting restless.
They're starting to go home.
And so am I.
Well, at least take me there.
Solid as a rock ♪
Solid ♪
Ooh, my jam.
Ain't nothin' goin' on but the rent ♪
- You got to have a J-O-B ♪
- If you wanna be with me ♪
You trying to get us killed?
Girl, it's worth it.
I'm out the house. Shit, sister trip!
I specifically told you
you weren't invited.
This is supposed to be my weekend
to hang out with my old drumline friends.
And you can still hang
with your dumb-line friends.
You won't even know that I'm there.
It'll be easier if you weren't there.
Oh, just shut up and drive.
Just get up front. This ain't no Uber.
Damn right. Shit, Uber would have snacks.
If you want, I can pull off at a rest stop
and you can grab some food.
So, you could drive off
when I get out?
Oh, no.
You ain't pulling a Daddy on me.
- Should we talk about that?
- Not this weekend.
Hell, Regina didn't leave us
nothing to eat in here.
Ooh, burnt the hairs in my nose.
Hey, Pop.
- Hey.
- Hey, Pappy.
There she is. Get them.
- We here to grab my old boxing gloves.
- Oh, yeah?
I'mma take Sydney
to the gym to teach her some things.
What, that you can't hit?
Man, Mom is really good at hide-and-seek.
I've been looking for her all morning.
I'm great at hide-and-seek. Let me help.
She doesn't know Mom went away?
Damn. I forgot to tell her.
Hi, Mr. Upshaw. Is Aaliyah home?
She's expecting me.
Aaliyah, Savannah's here.
Look, I I get lost sometimes.
Are you the girl that we like
or the one we be mad at?
Dad, can we have the room?
If you decide to make some spaghetti,
you'd be my favorite.
I brought your nail polish,
your flat iron, the photo of us
at Six Flags where we look old-timey.
Come on, Savannah.
Do we really have to do this?
Let me finish, please.
You know what? It's all in there.
Just a big box of who we used to be.
Girl, that's a lyric.
You think so? 'Cause, you know,
my mom just bought me a guitar and
No, Savannah, don't get sucked in.
How many times do I have to say I'm sorry?
What else can I do?
You can give me back my things.
Ain't nothing in here.
Yep. Empty.
Just like your promise
we'd be best friends forever.
Nope. Don't put that on me.
Look, the only thing I want from you
right now is my jacket. That you got on.
But I love this. You didn't even like it
when your mom bought it for you.
You know what? Fine.
Take it.
Goodbye, Aaliyah.
Goodbye, Savannah.
Is the spaghetti ready?
I got a headache.
Girl, if you don't stop Your mama
cook all the time with a headache.
Ooh, that's cute!
You find a corner
and stay there until I come get you.
Damn, Cree. I know I'm crashing,
but can you please
not act like I'm embarrassing you?
Oh, shit, bubbly!
Ooh, Mommy likey.
Wait a minute, let me get two
for them kids that I left at home.
Okay, just tell your friends
you don't know me.
Already my plan.
- Crab cake?
- Mmm.
Damn skippy.
Lucretia, do me a solid
and pop one in my mouth.
Pop one in my mouth.
Form up!
Uh-oh! Sticks Turner in the house!
She got an extra stick. What happened?
Fell off a jetway.
According to the settlement.
All right, catch me up.
Who got bald and who got fat?
Ugh, I'm both.
You were always there.
- We used to call you bass drum.
- You did?
Oh, shit! It's a party now!
The corner got boring.
- Meatball?
- We called you that too.
Obviously, you've wandered over
from the theater department.
Those freaks are in Ballroom C.
She is joking.
I'm her sister, Regina.
I didn't go to college here.
I'm just trying to get away
from my kids while I'm in between jobs.
That champagne hit quick.
Is she the, uh,
successful motivational sister,
or the one that ruined her life
and dragged you out
of college to save her?
You heard her.
Were you motivated by anything she said?
You know, we still haven't forgiven you
for taking our line captain away.
Really? 'Cause that was,
like, almost 30 years ago, y'all.
I mean, she's over it. Right, Lucretia?
So, who got fat and who got bald?
No one could do the solo like her.
But I get it. Family is family.
At least tell us you got away
from the loser that knocked you up.
Oh, hey!
A corner just opened up.
I'm just gonna put myself
in this corner right here.
That's who you dropped us for?
Hey, we all did stupid shit in college.
- Joker, joker, deuce, deuce!
- Deuce, deuce!
- Hey!
- Oh, my God!
That's how we do!
- Mm-hmm.
- Of course y'all won. Look at my partner.
I was your partner?
I'm gonna go lay down.
That's what losing will do to you.
- We can play something with three.
- We gotta get ready to go to the gym.
You just wanna leave
'cause we dusted your butt!
I think we been spending
a little too much time with Pappy.
Go grab my gloves
and some water out of the kitchen.
You really into
this boxing thing, ain't you?
Sure am.
Man, I'm telling you.
She's not gonna wanna do this.
She gonna hate you.
I'm not taking parenting advice
from the guy who told me
that the racetrack was the zoo.
Well, your dumb ass believed it.
What zoo only got one animal?
I was eight. I was just happy to hang
with the guy who I heard was my father.
Feel your feelings.
She's not gonna wanna box.
Look. I love boxing, okay?
So, I'm gonna share that with my daughter.
Well, don't get all the way down
to the gym to find out that I'm right.
Okay? You could do that
out there in the driveway.
Okay, works for me.
Just so you can see how wrong you are.
Yo, if you want to show me something,
show me how you can make a spaghetti!
Hey! Hey!
May I have my trays, please?
That drunk woman over there
is waiting for me to come back.
I see you, Brett.
Bring your ass over here
with them spring rolls.
Dreux. That was tight.
- Yes.
- Thank you, thank you.
Eh, was it?
I mean, all I heard was
a loose-ass triple stroke roll.
And don't get me started
on your paradiddle.
I'm tired.
I caught a body last night.
Don't trip.
I'm a mortician.
So, that's why your drumming so stiff.
Same old Sticks.
Always putting us down to lift us up.
Well, you know how I do.
I like to think that I led with love.
Why don't you lead us tonight?
Some of the young blood
wanna battle us OGs.
- Oh, yeah? They trying to step to us?
- Mm-hmm.
Where they at?
We gotta go. Come on.
See how I'm snapping my wrists
at the end of my punch?
Okay. I'm punching through my target.
I'm gonna swing
and you're gonna block, okay?
See? You're having fun.
Yeah, I guess.
Okay, look here.
Okay. In this corner, cute as a button,
nine years old, would love to be
anywhere else in the world,
it's "Sweet" Sydney Robinson!
Will you stop?
And in this corner,
refusing to listen to his daddy,
blind to the truth,
thinks he knows every damn thing,
is Bernard Upshaw Jr.!
Look, just ignore him, okay?
Now, I'm gonna go a little bit faster.
Remember, swing, block,
swing, block, okay?
Bernard, you made your little point.
Let's go in and play some Spades.
She doesn't want to.
Sure seems like she does.
Would you go take care of your own kids?
I'm trying to. He won't listen to me.
Because you don't know
what you're talking about.
I know what an unhappy child looks like.
You should. You got four of them.
Don't let your daddy
bully you like that.
We are having a good time.
- Oh!
- Ow!
Now you going to jail!
I don't get it.
You practically begged me to come with you
and now we're leaving?
Look, I saw everyone,
walked down memory lane and I was done.
You're lying.
You're trying not to say it was me.
It's me.
Your friends
were all talking about
how I messed up your life.
And being here reminds you of all that.
Being at your house
reminds me of all that.
Don't you protect me, sister.
Don't you do it.
You're just embarrassed
because I'm a jobless loser.
You should just just pull over
and and kick me out right now.
I haven't even started the car yet.
Look, I didn't want to drum, okay?
Well Who was asking you to?
The line, drunkie.
I haven't done it since my leg.
Oh, Lucretia.
Who's drunk now?
You don't drum with your leg.
Can you breathe that way?
I'm getting a contact drunk.
They want Sticks Turner,
but I'm not her anymore.
I don't know if I can do all the moves,
all that body-rolling and shit.
They're right.
That cane in the back?
That's the only stick I've got now.
You're just scared.
Lucretia, you can do this.
You can do this.
And if you need
some extra sticks, Sticks Turner,
I've got these little ones
from the meatballs.
Dr. Moses, it's an emergency.
Bernard, what are you doing
with a tooth in a bag of water?
I put it on ice but we hit traffic.
Can you put it back in her?
No, this is a baby tooth.
It's supposed to stay out.
First-time dads.
See, Bernard?
I told you it was already loose.
Good. Can we go get something to eat?
I've just seen a Olive Garden on the way.
What What's going on with Aaliyah?
She's sad.
Her friend broke up with her.
Did she hit her?
Because her jaw's swollen.
- For real?
- It is?
Can you open your mouth for me, sweetie?
Oh, I see what's going on.
Those wisdom teeth need to come out,
like, yesterday. Come with me.
Don't look at me.
He the one that punches kids
in the face with all his might.
Free floss. You have anything else free?
Monique's never gonna
let me see Sydney again.
I was just trying to connect with her.
Yeah, you connected with her all right.
At least I brought my kid to the dentist.
My kid was walking around
looking like Don Corleone.
It's not easy having a kid's mom
who has a Taser and a gun.
Well, my kid's mama has a Lucretia.
I just wanted her
to like a thing that I like.
No, you just wanted to be
the dad that you didn't have.
That's stupid.
All I wanted was for her to
Oh, shit.
I just thought this fatherhood thing
was gonna be easier.
No, it sucks. Except when it doesn't.
Yeah, I get that.
Cut yourself some slack.
You're doing a good job.
Thanks, Pop.
And you a better father
than I gave you credit for.
I mean, you never
accidentally punched me in the face.
You don't remember the state fair?
Neither do I.
Hi, Daddy.
That's a fun word.
She on that good stuff.
Is there anything left in the tank?
We could film a reel for her Insta.
She can post it and go viral.
- That'll cheer her up.
- All right. Yeah, that'll be funny.
- Look, here's her phone.
- Yeah.
Aaliyah, how you feeling, baby girl?
I'm feeling everything,
and everything feeling me back.
Ya feel me?
Except Savannah. That feels sad.
I miss you, Savannah, where'd you go?
All for that fake, stupid Steph Greene.
She be stealing.
She's not cool.
Savannah's cool.
Ice cool.
She was my best friend,
and I was so mean to her.
Mean, mean, mean.
Don't bring no more kids home, okay?
No, we can't post this.
Wait a minute, is that live?
- Oh, shoot.
- Shut it off!
- I did!
- The hell's wrong with you?
If Aaliyah finds out,
we'll just blame it on Maya.
Oh, shit, Maya!
Man! You guys are really good hiders.
But I'mma find you!
Oh, man. Am I still high?
Yes. I'm really here.
And I brought you ice cream.
What'd you put in it?
Just rat poison and broken glass.
Nothing, you weirdo.
It's vanilla.
It's so lame that's your favorite.
What's happening right now?
Don't you hate me?
I did.
Till I saw your Instagram Live.
So, we doing bowls
or straight from the carton?
Bowls. Duh.
Wait. What Instagram Live?
Y'all got old.
I'm not old.
But my pressure's up like a mud.
If I put my arm in there,
that shit would explode.
Quit bogarting the Icy Hot.
Here, take the Advil.
The important thing is we did this shit.
Y'all made me proud tonight.
You, not so much.
Damn it, Satie. Stop shaking the Advil.
People got a headache.
Quit smoking weed in the basement
and hiding from your kids.
Fix your life.
I will. Tomorrow.
I'm sleeping here tonight.
Oh, I need a pillow.
Oh, yeah.
So, recently I was at a CVS
and something hit me.
I realize now that the way
that I quit was unprofessional.
You didn't deserve that.
Well, it takes a big woman
to admit she was insane.
Mmm, I think I said I was, uh
I deserve that.
So, I just
You know, I I appreciate you, Sheila,
coming down here
so that I could tell you that.
Oh, no worries. Part of why I came is
I may have a job opportunity for you.
Mm. At Mercy General?
That ship has sailed.
It's a chief administrator position.
As soon as I heard about it,
I thought of you.
Sheila! Oh, thank you.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
I always knew you was a real one.
That bitch.
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