The Upshaws (2021) s03e03 Episode Script

Treading Water

[funky instrumental music playing]
I hate coming to city-county.
It smell too much like court.
We gotta file this paperwork
so the city will cover the damage
from the water main break.
[Bennie sighs]
I got the munchies.
You got any old lady candy in that purse?
I hate that I do.
Peppermint or butterscotch or something.
Here. Have a LifeSaver.
A green one? I don't want that one.
Would you stop complaining?
You haven't done anything.
I gave myself carpal tunnel
from filling out all these damn forms.
Time for my break.
- [woman] Uh
- Not today, Satan.
We've been standing out here all morning,
you're gonna look at these.
Business interruption claims
need to go to window four.
Where the hell is window four?
Can't you slide these over there?
I got this.
Millicent. Can I call you Millie?
I'd rather you didn't.
Millie, girl
You too fine to be
sending me down there to window four.
This sexist shit ain't gonna fly.
Okay. Let me see what I can do for you.
See? This why we'll
never break that glass ceiling.
- Everything looks good here.
- Fantastic.
Except these need
to be completed in blue ink.
Blue pens are by window four.
What if he smacks your ass?
What if I smack your ass?
Solid as a rock ♪
Solid ♪
[funky instrumental music playing]
[both laughing]
Oh, this has been just wonderful.
I don't know how
Mercy General let you get away.
I know, right?
I hated to leave. [chuckles]
They had to practically
drag me up out of there. [chuckles]
But I needed something more challenging.
I really admire that.
I probably shouldn't tell you this,
but you're like the Beyoncé of billing.
Well, I've had
a bunch of other interviews,
so you better put a ring on it.
[laughs] Thank you for coming in.
Oh, my pleasure.
Uh, did I mention that my house
is only 4.3 miles from here?
You did. Twice.
[both chuckle]
The Ken Jennings Almanac?
"The Big Quiz Book"?
Carlotta, are you a fellow trivia buff?
Yes, indeed.
The more useless the knowledge,
the more I want it in my brain.
Chief export of Sri Lanka?
Shoot! Textiles.
Who doesn't know that?
National animal of Scotland?
The unicorn.
- [laughs]
- You got to come harder than that.
Carlotta, don't make me dust you up
in here when I'm trying to get a job.
Oh, I am really looking forward
to working with you. Ooh!
I would hire you
for this banana bread alone.
Well, then go ahead,
'cause I will bring you
a loaf every Friday.
- Mmm.
- [chuckles] With lemonade.
'Cause you called me the Beyoncé of
I'mma just exit to the left.
[funky instrumental music playing]
Thank God that's over.
So, when do we get our money?
Do they do direct deposit
or do we got to pick it up?
They leave it under your pillow.
Bennie, they haven't even decided
if they're going to give it to us yet.
You might have to sext with Millie.
No, no. I I'm just surprised.
I'm shocked, honestly,
because [sighs]
Carlotta just seemed impressed.
Well, I understand.
Thank you for considering me.
You should consider kissing my ass.
- Damn, baby, you didn't get another one?
- Why you gotta say it like that?
The market's crazy competitive, okay?
I can't get anything
and I'm the Beyoncé of interviews.
Oh, Regina, you not saying that
in the interviews, are you?
They're saying it.
You know what? I know I'mma get a job.
And in the meantime,
I'mma enjoy my funemployment.
I got a mani-pedi on Wednesday,
a trivia tournament on Thursday
and I'mma day drink
on Friday, just 'cause.
Well, I'll holler at you on Friday.
Look, you gonna have to get a job too.
With the shop being closed,
we can't afford to pay everybody.
Fire Tony.
Shit, we can't fire Duck. He's on parole.
I can't send him to jail twice.
He got a key to this house.
Well, that'll be the new homeowner's
problem if you don't find a job.
[scoffs] I ain't built
for no nine-to-five.
You can barely do nine-to-ten.
We saying the same thing,
but it's for my family.
A man got to do what he gotta do.
- Hmm! That's my man.
- [chuckles]
Listen, don't feel bad
if you don't land something right away.
[funky instrumental music playing]
Well, your man starts at Lexus tomorrow.
Are you shitting me?
That's your first interview.
And they kept me for a whole half hour
and gave me something called
a signing bonus.
I can't buy a job,
and they paying you to take one?
Seem like that.
[slowly] You got a job before me.
Why you talking like Duck?
[in normal voice] No, I
I'm having a hard time.
Shit, me too. I got a job today.
You know what, baby?
Why don't you take your mind off
both our troubles and make me a meat loaf?
[cell phone ringing]
Ah. St. Charles Medical.
Regina Upshaw. Hit me with that good news.
8:00 a.m., Monday. I'll be there.
[ends call]
They were reminding me of my mammogram.
My ego has been crushed.
May as well get my titties squeezed.
[funky instrumental music playing]
Hey, where you been? [laughs]
Not hanging with you.
Wait, wait, wait
I saw you break your pencil
in history today.
[Savannah] Mm-hmm.
So, I brought you a copy of my notes
in case you missed anything.
That's a lame excuse, even for you.
- I did miss the last three bullet points.
- See?
I knew it. I can't have my girl
only knowing one root cause
of the Spanish-American War.
We both know the only reason you're here
is because Steph and her crew curved you.
That is not true.
- [chuckles]
- But, I mean, yeah, they iced me out,
and turned half of
the freshman class against me,
but that's not why I'm here.
I miss you, Vannah.
Oh, so now you like my nickname idea?
Look, we had some good times,
but I'm not finna be
your booty call bestie.
Thanks for these, though.
But from here on out,
we good where we are.
Fine, I don't need you.
I have plenty of friends.
Hey, friend.
[Bennie humming]
Hey, Josh,
I finished the work on that SC430.
Man! Are you going for
employee of the month on your first day?
You haven't stopped since you clocked in.
Company policy, you're supposed to
take a 15-minute break every hour.
I am?
Yeah. That's why we all go to the lounge.
- What the hell's the lounge?
- They didn't tell you in orientation?
What the hell is orientation?
I guess I got to start listening
to people when they talk to me.
Oh, cookies, ping-pong
So, this is where
everybody's running off to.
I just assumed
everybody had a drug problem.
Hey, Bennie, you up for a game?
You know it.
Who the hell's that?
That's Greg. He ran orientation.
Oh, my God. A massage chair. What the
Look at this.
Man, look at this.
- [motor whirring]
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
I could leave my wife for this chair.
[funky instrumental music playing]
What is the 10th largest state capital
in the United States? Atlanta.
Ooh, come on, me.
[laughs] You better challenge yourself.
[clicks tongue]
They ain't ready for me at trivia tonight.
- [chuckles]
- [Maya grunts]
Is Aaliyah around?
What are you doing there?
Trying not to be her only friend.
I have to pee. Gotta risk it.
There you are, friend. Tag, you're it.
Okay. You better run.
[Aaliyah chuckles]
I'll pee at Miss Shirley's.
Ah, do not pet her cross-eyed cat.
I know.
- [Bernard] Where you going?
- Miss Shirley's.
- Don't pet that cross-eyed
- I know.
Hey, Ma. How's it going?
You out of groceries again?
I ain't got nothing but baking soda
and I think that's expired.
Well, you can share the pizza
with the girls. I got trivia tonight.
Thought you were
dressed for a job interview.
[scoffs] Bump a job.
I got more important things
to focus on, like winning a trophy.
Come on, ask your mama a question.
Why is my mama not out looking for a job?
- Tanzania.
- What?
Oh, I wasn't listening to you,
I was reading my book again.
You're kinda putting a lot on
this trivia tournament.
- Is there prize money?
- No.
Thomas Edison.
Maybe he can help keep your power on.
You are distracting me
with all that job talk.
I'm trying to keep my eye on the prize.
You just said there was no prize.
Where the heck is Maya?
Ain't nobody chasing me.
Mom, where's my old Girl Scout uniform?
There's a troop on the corner
selling cookies. I'm gonna go blend in.
[funky instrumental music playing]
Boy, this place really got hit.
[sighs] Yeah, the water was
up to my waist and your mustache.
Well, I guess that explains
how you got water on the brain.
Just plug in the dehumidifier.
[Tony humming]
Tony, what are you doing here?
We fired you.
Oh, my girl wants me out of the house
for eight hours, working or not.
I came here to skate,
but didn't wanna interrupt the service.
The service? What service?
[distant singing]
Oh, sounds like they're at the altar call.
I better lace up.
[man on speakers] Amen ♪
Amen ♪
What a joyful noise.
Let the love of Christ flow through you.
What the hell is this shit?
I'm not with him.
I think we should take a moment of prayer.
Everybody, bow your heads
and cover your ears.
Why you acting like a pastor
at a crystal meth cathedral?
I heard the call.
God led me here.
Plus, Lucretia said we couldn't do it
in her laundry room no more.
Duck, that was six months ago.
I mean, how long have
you been doing this in our shop?
Six months.
And ironically, we had just got to
Noah's Ark when the shop got flooded.
Ain't God funny? [chuckles]
Duck, we trying to get this place
back open, right?
We can't have all these lost souls
hanging around here.
Lucretia, let the man preach.
At least let him pass
his collection plate.
Oh, I don't collect money from my church.
Then why they using our lights?
I got this, come on.
[imitating preacher] Brothers and sisters!
I said, brothers and sisters.
Let the spirit rise you on up,
move you straight to that door.
[in normal voice] Let's go.
Move to that door.
You don't gotta get saved at home,
but you can't get saved here.
Let the door hit you
where the good Lord split you.
[clears throat] Hey, man,
let me get communion before I leave.
Oh, yeah, I'm not fully ordained.
I can't administer the body of Christ.
Just toss me some bread, man, I'm hungry.
Or at least some
after-church donuts and coffee.
You know this ain't AA right?
Oh, those drunks have donuts?
Later, gator.
All right, now that that's over,
we got a lot of work to do around here.
First up, Duck, break down your sanctuary.
Bennie, check all the lift hoses.
Oh, and start patching up the walls.
Also, check the floor drains
for any small animals
'cause I don't know
what washed up in here.
You know what?
It's always something with this place.
We get inspected, sued, flooding
I think God's trying to tell us something
and I'm ready to hear him out.
Oh, so you can have a calling?
So, what? You just gonna walk away?
Why not?
This place is trouble.
Let Duck have it as a church,
or you can open up a nail salon,
like you always talk about.
- Are you serious?
- Yeah.
Regina needs a job.
Y'all could be in here picking out colors.
Ugh, I want so much more for Regina.
Man, all I know is I wasn't doing
nothing here that I wasn't doing at Lexus.
It's stress-free. Got them warm cookies.
Matter of fact, I gotta go
pick out my tacos for Taco Thursday.
It's Taco Tuesday, idiot.
Yeah, we get 'em twice a week.
That's how my man Josh
do it down at Lexus.
[funky instrumental music playing]
[Bernard groans]
Come on, Bernard.
Two truths and a lie.
Guess which one's made up.
Let me go home and think about it
and I'll let you know tomorrow.
I bet it's not the one you think it is.
Then you win. Good game.
- [door opens and closes]
- [sighs loudly]
I'm so glad I don't have kids.
Oh, wait
Take a minute to kick in, don't it?
Have a beer, son.
Lexus catalog, huh?
They giving you homework at that job?
[Bennie chuckles]
No, but they damn near
giving me everything else.
Health insurance, no paperwork,
a hundred percent no Lucretia. [chuckles]
Never thought I'd hear you talk like this.
You know I hate Lucretia.
No, I meant working for somebody else.
Oh, yeah. That surprised me too.
[beer can opens]
It will be kind of weird
not having you at the garage.
I don't know if I ever told you this,
but I always liked saying,
"I'm going down to my dad's garage."
Man, you know damn well
you ain't never told me that.
[both chuckle]
All right. You're right, I did know.
And now I can do some things
like have a beer with my boy.
Didn't you set your own hours at the shop?
- [Bennie] Yeah.
- Could've been kicking like this.
Boy, you want a free beer or not?
Yes, please.
All I got at home is baking soda.
You know, I've been actually thinking
about starting my own thing.
Oh, yeah,
like delivering shit by yourself?
What you gonna call it, "Just You PS"?
A boxing gym,
but way to mess up a nice moment.
No, a gym, that's cool for you.
I like that.
That that's cool for you, a gym.
Yeah, you know, maybe I could
pass it down to Sydney one day.
I don't know. It's probably dumb.
No, having your own shit ain't dumb.
[door opens]
I heard a lull.
Anybody wanna pick a number?
Did you wash the dishes?
[Aaliyah] Mm-mmm.
[funky instrumental music playing]
[soft music playing on speakers]
You told me we were meeting at a bar.
This is a bar.
But they ruined it with trivia.
Call me when you're day drinking.
Lucretia, wait a second.
Anna cancelled last minute, okay?
I can't compete without a partner. Please.
You buy all my drinks
and I don't answer anything.
- Deal.
- [mic feedback]
Let's get down to quiz-ness!
Yeah! Whoo-hoo!
Quick, let's think up a good team name.
How about Team This Some Bullshit?
[funky instrumental music playing]
So, the part itself costs about $100,
but the labor is gonna run you $450.
Hey, Josh. Might I have a word with you?
He'll be right back.
What you doing, player?
Why you charging for three hours of labor?
I can knock that shit out in 30 minutes.
[chuckles] Bennie,
it's not what you think.
This is a dealership.
We have set minimums.
Well, that ain't how I do it at my shop.
Well, it's not your shop.
Oh, and zip up your coveralls.
Company policy.
[funky instrumental music playing]
[Bennie humming]
What you doing here?
I left my Bible. It's my favorite one.
I got it for free from a hotel.
I feel you.
That's where I got my first TV.
[both laugh]
Hey, man, since you here, man,
grab this broom
and help me get ready for my reopening.
Wait, hold on.
So, I thought you about that Lexus life?
Like, the free tacos and whatnot.
Man, Lexus can kiss my ass.
I'm only working down there until I get
my shop back exactly how I want it.
Well, maybe not exactly.
Hey, you right.
I'mma get me a massage chair.
No, I mean I'm leaving.
Damn, Duck,
they sending you back in? What you do?
No, it ain't like that, man.
I'm going to seminary.
God school.
Remember I told you I had a calling?
Okay, well, send that shit to voicemail.
I need a mechanic.
[Duck chuckles]
Hey, I already worked it out
with the parole officer. It's all set.
Oh, man.
That's good, Duck, man.
For real, man. That's good for you, man.
[chuckles] Thank you, man.
Hey, I appreciate everything
you did holding me down too, man.
Hey, baby, Duck leaving.
I got my job back.
Uh, so, uh, can I come home now?
And in seventh place, Quiz Markie,
followed by This Some Bullshit,
and in last place, the Test-icles.
Classy, guys.
Go get your consolation pizza.
Hey, well at least you beat the nuts.
This some bullshit.
- Go team!
- Can you stop it?
I needed a win tonight.
It's just stupid trivia.
I'll buy you a nerd trophy.
It's not just trivia, Lucretia.
It's everything.
I didn't get my scholarship,
I can't find a job
You're still married to Bennie.
And that helps how?
You're in a slump.
Life will get back on track.
Stop trippin'.
It's just so much right now.
[scoffs] I feel like
I just want to crawl under this table.
[Lucretia] Stop it.
Look how much you've overcome. Huh?
Getting pregnant at 16 by Bennie,
graduating high school and college anyhow,
getting pregnant by Bennie again,
Tasha getting pregnant by Bennie,
you getting pregnant
by Bennie a third time
You got through all of that.
You'll get through this.
You think so?
Of course, you just gotta
give yourself some grace.
And top me off
before you close out your tab.
Hey, it's, uh it's Beyoncé. [chuckles]
- [chuckles awkwardly]
- Regina Upshaw.
Oh, yes. I I know. Nice to see you.
So, anyway,
I was talking to Darryl about the game
Wow. So, it's like that.
[softly] Please don't make a scene.
A scene? Why would I make a scene?
- Are you guys ready to order?
- They gonna need a minute.
Now, how am I making a scene?
[in normal voice] Let's just say
I heard how things
went down at your last job
and I don't need
that kind of drama in my life.
Oh, that. Girl, I'm sure
that got blown way out of proportion.
Cussing out your boss,
leaving in the middle of the day
and then coming back
like nothing ever happened?
Those are the broad strokes.
I liked you,
but hospitals are a business
and we need someone
with a few less red flags.
Best of luck.
Maybe update your references.
I don't have any other references.
I was at the same job for 20 years.
Like I said, best of luck.
I'm never gonna work again.
Definitely not as a waitress.
Where the hell is my drink?
[theme music playing]
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