The Upshaws (2021) s04e03 Episode Script

1
I am gon' miss Lucretia's pillow top.
Mm! And her Egyptian cotton.
You know, if her guest room is this nice,
imagine what she's sleeping on.
You mean what she's nesting on?
Her kind likes dry leaves, twigs,
and whatever she sheds.
Still, I'm so happy
to be coming back home.
I'm happy to get you back home.
Nobody's had socks for two weeks.
No, I'm just playing.
I'm just glad
to have my cuddle buddy back.
Mm. Well, I might not have time
if I'm busy doing laundry.
Maybe we should cuddle right now.
Just in case.
Let's do it.
- Whoo!
- Man.
- Oh!
- You cuddled my brains out.
That was hot.
Where'd you get them moves at?
Whoo, hey.
You had some moves yourself. Mm!
I always have.
Ooh, but you surprised me.
What you think about the scoop and flip?
Yes, yes, yes! You tore it up.
You tore it up.
But, listen, sh.
I don't want my sister to hear you.
She knows I'm here. She seen me walk in.
I know, but she thinks
that you here helping me pack.
Yeah, I am packing it in.
Up top.
Oh, why you so cute?
All right, look. One more round,
but then I got to fold my sweaters.
Oh shit! She can't see us like this.
She had one rule.
Damn, you quick.
Quick people don't get shot.
Regina!
How's it going in here?
What? Why are you in bed?
Where's Bennie?
Bennie went to get more tape,
and I got cold.
Yeah, that tracks.
Okay, well, I'm just waiting out here,
making sure you ready to go.
I'll help you carry your bags out.
You know? I limp, but I'm motivated.
And crack a window.
Smells disrespectful in here.
Okay.
Uh, okay, baby. She's gone.
Bennie.
Bennie?
Bennie.
How you do that?
I'm Bennie Upshaw.
Yes.
You most certainly are.
I don't know what thing got into you,
but I wish I had a Gatorade.
Ooh, all this all this sneaking.
- This is hot.
- Right.
- We being so bad.
- Hmm.
You know, I am not that kind of girl.
Hold up. I'm confused.
Do you want this or not?
Yes.
I'm role-playing.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. All right.
- Okay.
Action!
Solid as a rock ♪
Solid, solid, solid, solid ♪
Congrats again to Allan Jacobs,
the student of the month,
and don't forget to donate items
for our upcoming rummage sale.
Let's finally get that playground
up to code.
Peanut butter, bologna, and Funyuns?
Come on, Daddy.
You gave me your sandwich again.
What is that smell?
Three things that don't go together.
My mom packed me half a chicken,
SunChips,
and two chocolate cupcakes.
Half a chicken?! Break me off a thigh!
Uh-uh.
I'm growing. My mama, my chicken.
Ain't my fault your mama bounced on y'all.
At least she could leave.
Your mom's on house arrest.
At least she's home,
and I have never eaten better.
Why do I sit with you?
Baby, you hungry?
It smells like your daddy
made your lunch again.
He did.
Come on with me.
Miss Ella got your back.
I got my famous fish sticks
and those brownies you like with the M&Ms.
Come on.
- Oh, hey, Dad.
- Hey.
I'm so glad you're home.
I need help studying.
Studying?
Girl, you funny.
I'm about to study that couch for a nap.
Dad, this is for my learner's permit.
I thought you were studying
with Savannah and Kelvin.
We were, but they just
had to go to Dairy Queen.
Didn't even ask me. I like Dairy Queen.
Everybody like Dairy Queen.
Text them and tell 'em
to bring me back a Blizzard,
but do it upstairs.
I'mma need this couch. Come on.
- Get out of here.
- Fine.
- I'll just get all my rides from boys.
- Oh! Give me that book!
No, you're not.
All right.
Now, "If an officer's directing traffic
at a working traffic light"
Wait.
That doesn't make any sense.
If the light is working,
why is there an officer there?
Because it's a stop-and-frisk trap.
Bust a U-ey and get the hell out of there.
That's not one of the answers in the book.
Well, that's the Black answer, baby.
I'm trying to keep your Black ass alive.
Well, I need the DMV answers.
Uh
Ah, hell, I got another one for you.
Uh, what are you doing?
I'm I'm asking you a question.
Sometimes your blinker breaks
and you gotta use hand signals.
Uh, I have no idea what any of that means.
You ain't trying
to drive, okay?
Walk your ass up there to Dairy Queen.
Don't come back till you ready to study!
So, what you thinking?
I don't like when the government is quiet.
Well, you were right, Miss Turner.
The information you've given us
doesn't match what your accountant gave.
I knew I shoulda handled this myself.
Oh, thank you, Jesus!
Yeah.
Let's start with Jesus.
The church donations you're claiming
are way less
than what your accountant wrote off.
According to last year's returns,
you built a children's chapel.
I did?
I did.
They are our future.
But your receipt says
you only tithed $10 a week
and donated three Bibles.
I mean, well,
you can't put a value on the good book.
We don't need to. Barnes & Noble did.
$24.99.
That's just the tip of the iceberg.
Based on what you brought us,
it looks like you could owe us more.
More?
Oh, hell no.
Man, I was hoping
y'all would cut me a check right now.
I got a busted water heater at my building
and a plumber who would only accept cash.
Cash? What's this plumber's name?
Will it make all this go away?
Oh God, no.
I'm gonna run this upstairs.
They're never gonna believe
you came in on your own.
I didn't!
I was never here.
Thanks for giving me a ride
to Dairy Queen.
I saw your Charlie Brown ass
walking all sad.
Wait, you drive for a living.
Help me study for my permit?
I do a little more than that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're an essential worker.
Here. Ask me questions.
Uh, first note, don't read and drive.
Look, you're stressing yourself out.
There's not that much to driving.
- Then explain zipper merging.
- What the hell is zipper merging?
See? You drive
and don't even know how to drive.
I know how to drive,
unlike this asshole in front of me!
A handicap placard
doesn't mean you don't have to signal,
you stupid bastard!
What else you was having trouble with?
Your tone.
When they say "car lengths,"
are they talking midsize, sedans
Shut your ass up!
Sorry!
I'll just assume midsize.
You're a mean teacher.
I'm not talking to you.
I'm talking to this jackass
trying to bogart me.
This ain't my car. You wanna hit me?
Then hit me!
There ain't nothing in here I care about!
Your sister?!
Well, that was pleasant.
Yeah, you were decent too.
What the hell is wrong with us?
I don't know.
- It's like we was off.
- Mm.
I mean, I scooped and flipped.
It seemed like you were fighting me.
I think I was.
Did I punch you?
Yeah, a little bit.
- What was different?
- Nothing.
The only thing that I could think of is,
clearly, you moved the dresser.
Why is it over there?
'Cause I like it over there.
Well, let me tell you what I don't like.
Halfway through, I rolled over on this.
Have you been eating in bed?
You're damn right.
For the last month, your side of the bed
has been called "the table."
What are we doing?
Why do we sound so married right now?
Because we're married.
Ah, maybe that's the problem.
Damn, you gon' drop a bitch
after one bad scoop-and-flip?
I mean, like, when we at Lucretia's,
it's sneaky and fun.
And then, you know, the whole thing
of the monster coming in, catching us.
- Shut up! Shut up!
- "Where you at?"
I mean, you ain't wrong.
Maybe I could spend
a couple more nights there?
You wanna go now?
You know the answer.
Then why are we talking?
Let's get dressed
so we can get naked!
Come on!
Don't be stomping in this house.
But we always stop at McDonald's on
the days you pick me up from gymnastics.
Well, we drove past.
You saw it. You never finish it anyway.
I mean, God don't like people
who waste McNuggets.
But I'm hungry!
What am I supposed to do without food?
Not today, little girl.
We're standing in a room
full of already-paid-for food.
Find something.
Why are you treating me like I'm Kelvin?
'Cause today, the whole world is Kelvin.
Wait a minute.
Is that that expensive Keurig
I got your parents for Christmas?
At full price?
I don't know.
We call it the step stool.
The step What?!
Ain't that a
I can't believe they never used this.
Come to think of it,
there's a lot of stuff I bought
that I've never seen them use.
Like, where's that air fryer?
Huh? Where's that expensive mixer?
Where is that?
Where's that humidifier I got your mom?
You mean the door holder?
It's in the basement doing its job.
Its job was to moisten up
all this dry-ass air!
You know where they got good air?
McDonald's PlayPlace.
You can get sticky at home.
I'm on a mission.
If y'all don't appreciate all the stuff
I buy with my precious money,
huh, you don't get to keep it.
- Yeah. I'm finna wear that
- Uh! Uh!
Uh, Maya!
Hey!
- How was school, baby?
- Yeah.
Didn't, uh, Aunt Lucretia bring you home?
Where where is she?
She's in the basement.
Oh, she's in the base
She's not gon' be happy.
You know the exterminator
was here Tuesday.
They got rid of
most of her little rat friends down there.
Mommy, are you home for good yet?
Your mama needs
a few more nights.
But really soon, baby, okay?
Really, really soon.
Mm, we should give this
to the school rummage sale.
No, no, no. The school
is not getting our stepping stool.
- Come on, baby.
- Let's go!
Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!
So you're back home.
That's a big step. How's it going?
It's amazing.
I'm so glad to hear you're lying to me.
Okay, fine.
I haven't gone home.
Coming in here like I don't know
what I'm doing. I told you, read my book.
I'm planning to go home.
It's just, see,
the thing with me and Bennie
Hmm.
we work best
when we, um
We found
He been knocking the bottom out,
and I like it where it is.
Sex.
You haven't gone home because of sex?
You ain't had this sex.
You know you're delaying for a reason
that has nothing to do with sex.
It's been a minute for you, huh?
Okay, stay out of my business.
But for the record,
I smash.
Okay, listen now.
You've had big breakthroughs,
but your need for control
isn't just gonna disappear overnight.
Now, that's true.
We had sex at home,
and it was just sex at home.
Maybe I'm waiting
on the other shoe to drop.
What other shoe?
All your shoes have dropped.
You came in here with a broken heel.
What?
Girl, read my damn book!
Your hour is over.
Let's go, Regina.
She didn't talk you out of anything,
did she?
'Cause I've been stretching.
Very healthy.
You weren't kidding.
Everything really is brand new.
I know.
So let me get this straight.
You take it all, sell it,
and give me my money.
- Minus my cut.
- Right. Ten percent.
- Thirty percent.
- Oh, you remembered that.
My business model?
Yes, I did.
You're my fifth run, so my car's full,
but I'll send someone to pick this up.
Well, tell 'em to hurry
'cause I'm on the clock.
Is this stuff hot?
No, racist.
And neither is the water in my building,
so come on, get.
Them fighting stripes
threw off my equilibrium.
- Hey, Miss Ella. Thanks for coming.
- Hey, Maya.
You said your folks have some stuff
for the rummage sale?
I Sure?
All this?
- I guess.
- This is amazing.
Let me load up my car,
and I'll get out your hair.
Hold on a minute.
Don't you wanna wait
until my daddy gets home?
- Where's your dad?
- Working.
He has his own business,
and he's very handsome.
Okay. Good to know, I guess.
Can I get you a drink?
Or some perfume?
Oh man. I do smell like today's beefaroni.
I love your beefaroni.
I can eat it every day.
I'll be right back.
Mom.
Oh, this is some good stuff.
I might keep this air fryer for myself.
No, Ella.
That's how you lost your last job.
Hey.
Is that beefaroni?
You must be here for the stuff.
Yeah. Maya let me in.
She said all this stuff was up for grabs.
Every last piece.
I'll even throw in Maya
for the right price.
Oh, I'm I'm kidding.
I'm just in a very dark place right now.
How's this?
Hmm? Man, Regina didn't even break
the seal on this Dior I got her.
Thanks, Maya.
I'mma go see
what they got in the liquor cabinet.
Oh, no, ma'am. We don't take alcohol.
Oh, no. That's for me.
Coming up to a four-way stop.
Remember what to do?
Stay calm, I hope.
As long as everybody goes
when they're supposed to.
Unlike this asshole!
You next!
Go!
You waiting on a damn invitation?
Go!
Bernard, stop!
Dumbasses won't learn
unless you teach 'em.
How can you go postal
when you work for UPS?
- What are you talking about?
- You, Mad Max.
How can you act like this?
You got that "How's my driving?" number
on the back.
I been scratched that off.
Okay, maybe I am a little tense.
I mean, I am pretty stressed
about not being able to buy my gym.
And there's a teeny chance
I'm taking my frustrations out
on the road.
And every car
and pedestrian
and small animal crossing the street.
It was that squirrel's time.
Look, I don't wanna turn you off driving.
Maybe you should go back to studying
with Kelvin and Savannah.
Can't. Last time I saw them,
they were ditching me at Panda Express.
Friends not around, Mom's not around.
I'm gonna flunk this test.
And why is this Jeep
driving slow as hell?!
Move! People need their shit!
Aaliyah!
He has a Blue Lives Matter sticker.
We don't yell at them.
Now I gotta act
like this was my damn exit.
You got me good with the perfume.
It's not mace, baby.
You gotta mist it.
Sorry.
I just wanted you to smell nice, New Mom.
"New Mom"?
Oh Lord. Not again.
Ella, you be putting your foot
in them fish sticks.
Where's all our stuff going?
And why is your lunch lady here?
She's for Daddy.
For what?
To be my new mom,
since this one's never around.
"This one"? What the hell?
Just to be clear,
I thought I was here to pick up some items
for the rummage sale.
I got a man.
I'm I'm so sorry.
Obviously, you got pulled into something.
Can I take the stuff?
Yes, please, take everything
except my husband.
Girl, you safe.
Hey, I don't want you either, lunch lady!
Thanks again.
But next year,
y'all gotta drop shit off at the school.
That's fair.
Maya,
you don't have to try to replace me.
But you don't live here anymore.
Buck up, little girl.
She'll be back in a couple more nights.
Actually, Bennie, nope.
Baby, I'm back right now.
I'm home.
Don't you play with me.
I'm not.
I know that things have been confusing.
You probably still have questions.
I still have questions.
But I need you
to be very clear about this.
I will always be your mommy,
and I will always be here for you.
Okay?
I love you.
I love you too, Old Mom.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Let's not get that going.
Oh snap!
I gotta go sell my turnips
on Animal Crossing.
That panda do not play.
That's right. They don't. Hey.
Hook me up. Sell mine too.
Your island, your problem.
All right, well, she bounced back
pretty quickly.
Speaking of bouncing back
You still wanna keep sneaking around?
You know, we got our little thing.
Well, that thing has to wait.
Maya tried to replace the irreplaceable
with her lunch lady!
- I know.
- What the hell?
Ah, but it was all fun, you know?
Now you home, you all home.
That's the general idea.
And then there's gon' be
all that "Pick that up,"
"That don't go there,"
"Your toenails scratched my leg,"
"You smell like weed at church."
And you, you're gonna be all
"Make me a sandwich,"
"Scratch my back,"
"Your kids need you,"
"My side kid needs you."
That's life.
That's what we do here.
I guess.
Baby, now that I'm back,
things will have to be different though.
I mean, I know that I said
I wanted to put me first,
but I gotta keep doing the work
to find a different balance
so that I can have all of that, you know?
The good, the bad, the ups, the downs,
the ins and outs,
the scoops and the flips.
- And oh shit, I done worked myself up!
- Ooh!
- You wanna go smash at Lucretia's?
- Ooh, it's always so good at Lucretia's.
What the hell?
I had one rule.
Y'all nasty.
Yeah, we are.
I should just burn everything
and start over again.
All right. All right.
Now, you seem a little upset.
Let me just say thank you. Okay?
I I I I appreciate you.
You held it down here for me.
You let me stay at your crib. I
You even took care
of getting all that stuff
for Maya's school rummage sale.
Thank you.
Rummage sale?
Oh!
Ooh! Ooh!
I hate y'all.
Oh , , , !
Of course
it's for the mother rummage sale.
What else would it be for, Lucretia, ?
What the ?
Can't be nothing good for Lucretia!
Uh, uh, uh!
that! Know what? all y'all.
That's what I'm saying now.
y'all. this house.
your kids.
this whole state.
What the ?
, me!
Sorry, I'm just in a
It's a very dark place right now.
Did she just say, " the kids"?