The Upshaws (2021) s04e04 Episode Script

Slap Happy

[funky instrumental music plays]
Ooh, damn, this coffee is nasty.
That's because
you see your reflection in it.
Now, Regina's home.
Why are you here?
I thought we released you
back into the wild.
Don't make me "Al Green" you
with this coffee.
Well, if you gon' do it, do it right.
Toss some grits on me. I'm hungry.
Don't hate me 'cause I'm fly.
[Bennie whoops]
I hate you because you weren't clear
when we went shopping
that I was paying.
Baby, I am going to kill them
at the clinic today.
With this look though. [chuckles]
- Not negligence.
- [both laugh]
You look good, girl.
You got time to take it off
and put it right back on again?
Ooh! I might.
- Whatcha thinkin'? Whatcha thinkin'?
- Ooh!
[both laugh]
I'm thinking whether I should
poke out my eyes or rip off my ears.
Do both, hater.
I'm just treating my baby
the way she deserves.
If Regina had what she deserves,
you'd literally be anyone else.
It's game day.
What are we having for breakfast?
[scoffs] Encouragement.
Let's go, Kelvin!
- Appreciate that, but I'm still hungry.
- [Bennie] Yeah, me too.
Maybe we hit the drive-through.
Get your stuff. Meet you in the car.
Hey, baby, uh, you got some money
in your purse for gas?
Oh, I didn't get to the ATM.
Cree, can you spot my man some cash?
If I put gas in his car, it's gon' be
on the seats with a match to follow.
And that's the closest you will ever come
to being hot.
I'm gon' put up some big numbers today.
Uh, damn!
I told my mama, "Nail glue don't hold."
Your dad has some extra bags
in the garage. Just grab something, okay?
- Have a good game.
- Thanks, Miss Regina.
[Regina chuckles]
Nail glue?
That's even ghetto for Tasha's ass.
- What did you make for breakfast, Mom?
- Ah, sorry, baby.
Time got away from me this morning.
I was working on this look.
You're back, but you're still not here.
[exhales deeply]
Careful. You gon' eat those words.
I'm gonna have to. It's the only thing
we've got to eat in this house.
Okay, whatever's about to happen,
the neighbors don't need to see.
Aaliyah, ever since I've been home,
you've been acting funky.
I've been funky since you left.
You just weren't here to see it.
Why is she leaving here
with all the parts she came with?
Normally, she'd be missing something,
but she's going through it.
I I talked to Maya,
and I tried talking to her,
but she's not ready to hear it.
I'm gonna let it be for now.
I asked for grace.
I gotta give Aaliyah some.
Therapy stole you from me.
Solid as a rock ♪
Solid, solid, solid, solid ♪
[funky instrumental music plays]
The team we playin' are oh and five.
I'm about to drop a 50 burger
on these fools.
[laughs] Cool, cool. No pressure.
But if you don't cover the spread,
I gotta leave early.
- You bet on me?
- Of course I did.
That's what good daddies do.
But if you're up two,
I'd miss the free throw late.
- I'm just glad you came, man.
- [laughs]
Who's always there for you, son?
Up high. Put it
- [Kelvin] Noah!
- What the hell?
That ain't funny.
Uh, uh, uh, uh!
[both] Hey!
- You ready for this?
- [Bennie] Yes, he is.
And he's about to drop a 50 burger.
And now that you all caught up,
huh, thanks for stopping by.
- Always got a joke, Bennie.
- [whistle blows]
Upshaw, are we playing or talking?
Playing, Coach.
Get in there and suit up.
That's my boy!
What are you doing here?
To support Kelvin, and I sponsor the team.
[Bennie scoffs]
Bruh, a greasy-ass slice of pizza
after the game? That ain't sponsoring.
No, but the uniforms and shoes are.
Not to mention this shirt
and this Fathead.
What'd you call me?
Oh yeah, huh.
That's what they call those?
I call 'em face fans.
You know, how they do in church? Jesus!
- Can I get my Kelvin back?
- Hold up. Hold up! Let's ask him. Okay?
What do you think, son?
No, you my real daddy.
I wanna come live with you.
You heard what he said.
Uh-huh. Yeah, that's that's funny.
[funky instrumental music plays]
[Regina chuckles softly]
Hey, Miss Regina!
[chuckles] Hey, Mr. Lewis.
Oh, you still work here?
The word on the street said you went nuts.
No, no. Just took a little personal time,
but I'm back!
[Mr. Lewis] Well, good for you.
You gotta work on yourself.
Look what it's done for me.
Same old, same old.
[gasps] Hey, prodigal B.
The "B" stands for "bestie" now.
[laughing] Hey, Sheila.
You here visiting your man?
Y'all back there sneaking into exam rooms?
Wrinkling up some of that butcher's paper?
Oh, no, we have hotel money.
Actually, I've been filling in for you
since you've been gone.
You know, going back and forth
between here and Mercy General.
It was a lot.
Well, thank you. I really appreciate that.
That's nice of you.
To tell the truth,
it's been a pleasure to be here.
The hospital has been a hot mess lately.
Oh. Yeah. You mean since I left.
Oh, no, that transition was smooth.
It's Jan. She's on the wagon.
Oh no. Dammit.
I have heard stories about sober Jan.
Mm-hmm. Well, I'm living them.
Micromanaging, unnecessary meetings,
calling me at 4:00 a.m. with "ideas."
Are the ideas at least good?
No. They are not.
I mean, I am proud of her
for getting her life together,
but why does she have to ruin mine?
I'm supposed to be in a meeting right now.
You know, truth is,
I've kind of been hiding out here.
That's not healthy, Sheila.
If you're not being respected,
then you've gotta set some boundaries.
Assert yourself.
You tell Big J what you want,
and then you stand by it.
Oh, I don't know.
I'm trying to tell you.
Listen, that's what I learned,
and more, in therapy.
You gotta buy her book.
Did you start therapy after
your heart attack and nervous breakdown?
It was a mild cardiac event
and a regular-ass breakdown.
We gettin' off off point.
Know your worth, Sheila.
I'm pretty unclear about it,
but you should know it.
Okay. You're one honest B.
I can see we're gonna have
one of those complicated friendships.
Oh no. [laughs]
No, no, no. Not complicated.
I'm genuinely rooting for you.
Go, girl!
Advocate your ass off. [chuckles]
Black girl magic!
[laughing] Okay, bye!
I'm starving.
Can we just order mozzarella sticks?
We can split 'em.
Not yet.
Happy hour starts in 20 minutes.
We're not paying three times as much
for the same thing.
Are you ready to order yet? [sighs]
I don't know why you keep
circling back here, Andre.
Shit ain't changing.
Unless you're willing
to get on Greenwich Mean Time.
You better get your orders in
before the slap fight starts.
Are you threatening me, Andre?
No. They do this every Saturday.
It's like boxing, but with slaps.
Whoever's left standing wins.
Okay, look, I'm trying
to be friends with you, Peg,
but this is just way too white.
From now on, I pick the bar.
You seriously still don't want anything?
I want you to come back in 18 minutes.
[cell phone vibrates]
Oh my God.
Oh my God! Oh my God! [laughs]
Bumble match? Good for you.
No, it it's from work.
They found Eric.
Where's his thievin' ass?
He's in custody.
They're arraigning him tomorrow.
Lucretia, you know what this means?
Hell yeah! We're getting our money back!
Uh, Andre!
Bring us the happy-hour menu.
It's in your hand.
Not the paper. All this shit on it.
We're rich again.
[Peg chuckles]
Actually, I don't know
what your financial situation was,
but I'm rich again!
[chanting] Windy, windy weather,
jumping together.
January, February, March.
Explain to me again
how this is us working out together.
You don't feel that burn?
Sadly, I kinda do.
- Windy, windy weather
- [knock on door]
And I'm pretty sure
that's my downstairs neighbor.
Don't worry. We'll keep it do
Aaliyah? What's going on?
Mom sucks.
Oh. Hey, Sydney.
Hey, girl. What happened?
Did your mom leave again?
No, she's there.
She just sucks.
Okay. Sydney, why don't you grab us
something from the game room?
Fine. You wanna play Scrabble
with no vowels or Connect Two?
Bring 'em both. We'll make our own game.
[sighs] All right.
What's going on with you?
What's up with you?
Are you for real?
Every day, you've been going in on Mom.
Don't you think she deserves it?
She's been back for two seconds
and acts like she didn't abandon us.
She didn't abandon us.
Really? From you?
All you ever talk about
is how Dad wasn't around for you.
Your entire personality is "mad at Dad."
First of all, I am a layered human being.
And second,
what Dad did and what Mom did
are not the same thing.
Yes, they are. He wasn't there for you.
Mom wasn't there for me.
Dad wasn't there because he's Bennie.
Mom wasn't there
because she needed to work on herself.
She had a heart attack.
She was depressed.
She knew if she stayed, she wouldn't
have been able to take care of you.
Dad left for Dad.
Mom left for you.
For us.
So, what? I'm just supposed to get over it
because she's "fixed"?
Look, you can feel how you feel,
but maybe don't "air quote" her progress.
Mom's not supposed to leave.
I was scared.
Me too.
And so was Mom.
But she's home, and she's trying.
I guess she is trying.
She really shoulda popped me this morning.
But she didn't
'cause she loves you, stupid.
I'm stupid?
You're the one who just sent your child
to the basement by herself.
Oh, damn, she has been down there
for a while.
And her mama got a gun.
[crowd cheering]
Yo, Jamar! Box that guy out.
He's killing us on the board!
Yo, Jamar, don't listen to Noah.
He's nobody's daddy!
Yo, man, how long you gonna keep this up?
I'm not here to try to replace you.
I just
I don't wanna be a shitty stepdad.
Y'all got married and didn't tell me?
[scoffs] Not yet.
We have four venues on hold,
but Tasha keeps changing the date.
My grandma's on life support,
but I'm sure she's happy to hang on
until our moon signs are rising.
Yeah. I see Tasha's
still on that crazy zodiac shit.
I'm sorry, bruh. [laughs] You know.
Thank you.
It helps to say that out loud.
You know, I know you got your hands full,
and if there's gonna be another dude
in my son's life, I'm glad it's you.
Before you, Tasha had a lot of bad dudes.
I appreciate that.
A a lot?
Noah, can you come here a sec?
It's about Kelvin.
Is he okay?
- [Bennie] What's going on?
- We got a problem.
His dad's right here.
You should be talking to him.
Thank you. What's up?
Weed fell out of his bag.
Kelvin is off the team.
My Ke Wait a minute, man.
This Kelvin?
Put this cream on it, Mrs. Hall,
and if you can't see the whole thing,
uh, get a friend.
What's next?
Oh, Miss Taylor is in room two.
Her chart is in your office,
and Eduardo is 0.8 miles away
with our dim sum.
I am so glad you're back.
You know Sheila had me eating salads
for a month? No dressing.
You ever had a dry Caesar salad?
That ain't nothing but croutons.
Right? I love my wife,
and I'm glad she was here to cover,
but it feels so good [chuckles]
to miss her again.
[both laugh]
No disrespect, I get it.
I worked with your wife.
I'm not gonna say
her name came up in therapy,
but her name came up in therapy.
[door opens]
Oh my God, Sheila, what's wrong?
I went to the hospital like Regina said.
I talked to Jan like Regina said.
I advocated for myself like Regina said.
Uh, I don't love the way you keep saying,
"Regina said."
Oh, no, no, no. It's fine.
Oh. Well, in that case,
toss in a couple more "Regina saids."
I'm here for you, girl.
I got fired.
Why is Eduardo turning left?
- Fired?
- Yes.
Apparently, Jan feels
all those unnecessary meetings I missed
were necessary.
You know, but this is actually
a blessing in disguise.
[Regina] Yep.
Now you can follow your passion.
Go reenlist in the Old Navy.
Oh, no, I I burned those bridges.
And a couple sweaters.
I meant I should work here.
- Say what now?
- Here?
It was so good when you were there.
For you. It was good for you.
[Regina] Yep.
Yeah, you you don't wanna limit yourself.
[laughing] I mean,
look at this tiny-ass place.
We would just be clipping your wings.
I know, but I did love
the two of us working together.
It was something.
Plus, getting to work side by side
with my bestie.
I'm struggling to imagine.
[both mouthing]
So, what do you say, honey?
[Malcolm] Well, I mean, what else
can I say [laughs]
except welcome back, baby!
[Sheila laughs hysterically]
You and me, girl.
I am so excited, I could scream.
Oh, me too, yeah.
Uh, you know, I've gotta
go and do mine in the bathroom.
- Okay.
- [Regina] Okay.
- Okay.
- [Regina] Okay.
[laughing nervously]
[Regina screaming]
I keep telling you, it's not my weed.
Kelvin, it fell out of your bag.
I hate to cut him, but he's done.
Look, he said it wasn't his, all right?
At least let him finish the game.
Hey, man, you wanna jump in here?
Honestly, maybe we should take the win.
We're lucky the cops aren't here.
You don't believe me?
Kelvin, come on.
Look, I gotta rework my plans
for the second half
'cause all my plays
start with "Give it to Kelvin."
Here's your bag.
Wait, that's my bag.
What are you doing with my bag?
Mine broke. Miss Regina told me
to get one of yours from the garage.
And you had to grab the one
with the weed in it.
Why do any of them have weed in it?
Wait a minute.
This ain't the time, Noah, all right?
Hey, Coach. Look,
my bag, my weed.
- This ain't on him.
- I told you.
Let my son play, Coach.
Come on, Coach.
Kelvin, get back out there.
[both laugh]
It's not like
I have another offensive strategy.
- All right. Thanks, Coach. Thanks, Pops.
- Yeah.
Look, Kelvin, I'm sorry. I Kelvin, get
Now that we cool, can I get my bag back?
Sure. It's yours.
Not that one.
The other bag.
[customers groan]
[Peg chuckles]
Why they gotta slap so loud over there?
To hell with that.
Cheers to
What's left to cheers to?
Oh, I know!
These napkins.
Keeping our mouths clean.
Thank you, napkins.
Okay, that's it, Peg.
Two more drinks,
and I'm calling you an Uber.
I can afford it. I got my pension back.
I'm 30 years away from money.
[Peg laughs]
Well, I'm happy for you, Peg.
I'm happy for me too.
I don't have to hide anymore.
I can be there for my family again.
Bennie never found out.
That's everybody else.
What does the money mean for you?
I guess it always meant
[cell phone ringing]
It's work again.
Of course we heard.
We're celebrating already!
[Peg cackles]
What do you mean "stop"? [laughs]
What do you mean "gone"?
All of it? [laughing]
Please be her pension.
Please be her pension.
[Peg] No!
Thanks for calling.
They did find Eric,
but not the money.
They don't know if he spent it
or if he's hiding it.
All they know is
we're not getting it back.
All right, we got four margaritas
and a Mucho Nacho Bowl,
extra guacamole,
because "we rich and money ain't a thang."
Uh, hey, man. It's a thing.
It's a thing. Take this shit back.
I'm broke again?
Who's next?
Lucretia, please stop.
It's feeling like a hate crime.
[funky instrumental music plays]
Hey, you seen that guy foul me?
Number 22, and I still made the bucket.
You did.
Full of luck today.
Nah, it ain't luck if you got the skills.
- But luck don't last forever.
- What do you mean?
Nigga, that was your weed.
Huh? You said it was yours.
It was inside your bag.
Please, I was saving your dumb ass.
I know where all my weed is.
Do we really need two flashlights
in one drawer?
'Cause I got weed in this one.
I got weed in that bran flakes cereal
that we never eat.
And I got weed
in the fireplace we never use.
Damn, Pops. There's kids in here.
I know. That's why I hide it.
So, if you knew it was mine,
why'd you cover for me?
Because I'm your father, okay?
And I don't want one dumb mistake
to ruin your future.
Thanks, Pops.
Your future won't start until you're 20.
You will be on lockdown until then.
- Twenty? For some sticks and stems?
- See? You know too much.
Make it 30.
Man, you too young
to be smoking that shit.
- I don't like how you did Noah either.
- He thought I was lying.
You was!
In the basement, Snoop Dogg.
Damn, I just dry snitched on myself.
Now I gotta re-hide this shit.
Phew. Hey.
Hey, baby.
- How was your first day back at work?
- [sighs] It was Sheila's first day too.
Sharing my therapy is biting me in my ass.
[Bennie chuckles]
You wanna hit that blue flashlight?
Uh, no.
- That shit is way too strong.
- [both laugh]
Let me get you what's in the chimney.
Might take the edge off.
- [groans]
- Thought I heard you.
Uh-uh. Aaliyah,
I am not in the mood, okay?
So, can you hate me tomorrow?
What's happening? What
What you doin'? Why you squeezing me?
Is this a TikTok trend?
It's a hug.
Oh! [laughs softly]
I haven't had one of these
from you in a while.
I know that things have been rough.
- And I want you to know
- Mom, it's okay.
I'm just happy you're home.
[Regina laughs softly]
Oh, oh, okay, check you out. You doin' it.
[Regina chuckles]
Don't trip.
The chimney weed is missing.
Something built a nest over there,
so keep your eyes open
for a skinny, mellow-ass raccoon.
You just have one more.
Damn right.
Ain't nobody madder than me right now.
[Lucretia] Waffle House?
Oh shit.
And I just worked a double.
Why don't we just
[Lucretia groans]
[theme music playing]
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