The Vampire Diaries s07e06 Episode Script

Best Served Cold

1 Previously on "The Vampire Diaries" What was the deal with you and Stefan? I was the first love of Stefan's life.
Stefan, meet Julian.
Julian was the man you were not supposed to fall for.
Does Stefan Salvatore know that you - are pregnant with his child? - What? I wanted to tell you personally, but Julian made sure there was nothing to tell.
Please don't tell anyone.
I won't, I promise.
Alaric: The Phoenix Stone brings people back from the dead.
Bonnie: We made a mistake.
Jo was never in that stone.
I put someone else in her body.
You're not my wife.
I don't think I am.
We'll figure this out together.
Damon: Burying that bastard's body would've been too good for Lily.
I want to give her that man that she's missed for a hundred years, and then I want to rip his head off right in front of her.
Valerie: Julian is the devil.
I can't let Lily bring him back.
If she does, I will kill Julian myself.
[Voices and laughter on TV] So tell me, what thoughts go through a man's mind before he decides, "I think I'll take the ones with the roosters"? I didn't pick those out.
Hang on.
Well, it goes with the territory.
What the hell do you want, Damon? When's the last time you talked to your fiancée? I see word travels fast.
She texted earlier today.
Why? What time was it, and what'd she say? 12:18 "Do we need bread?" Well, she's not answering her phone now.
Well, she doesn't like to answer the phone before a broadcast.
I don't care.
Get her on the horn.
Stefan's being hunted again, and it's only a matter of time before Caroline's the bait that's used to lure him out.
Caroline: We apologize for the interruption to your current program.
My name is Caroline.
I am a segment producer for "KQBC News.
" Please listen carefully.
I have an urgent message for Stefan Salvatore.
Oh, well.
I guess the old ball and chain won't make it home for dinner, after all, will she? [Clears throat] Hold the gun.
There you go.
Now, the first thing you want to do [Spits] Bite the paper off the cartridge like this.
Hand me that ramrod.
There you go.
Now I want you to do it.
Push it all the way down.
How far away can I shoot? Well, you see that, uh You see that tree over there with the bark falling off? No.
Pretty far, then, huh? Can I shoot it? I don't know.
Think you're old enough? I'm 11.
I was 12 when I shot my first gun.
Dad, I can do it.
- You think so? - Yeah.
All right.
Let's go find ourselves a deer.
Come on.
[Click] See, now, the trick is, never take your eye off the target.
Got that? Jacob.
Jacob! Jacob! Jacob! Jacob! Jacob! Hey, it's just me.
- Hey.
- Who's Jacob? - Who? - Jacob.
You were yelling his name.
Oh, um, must have been a bad dream.
Oh, probably because you're sleeping on the couch, silly.
What are you doing down here? That would be my fault.
I I just wanted to let you know I used the last of the shampoo.
Valerie, I didn't know that you were staying here.
Stayed, past tense, um, just one night.
[Clears throat] I should go put some clothes on.
You do that.
- All right.
- Ok.
- Explain.
- Ok.
Lily wants to raise Julian from the dead.
Valerie tried to scorch his body before she can get her hands on him, and that did not work out so well.
Not following how that's our problem.
If and when Lily welcomes Julian back into his body, he will find out what Valerie did, and he'll come after her.
Just not connecting those dots.
Well, maybe you can just trust me that I know what I'm doing.
So what you're saying is, Valerie needs to disappear New name, new job, a country in a separate hemisphere.
Well, you just said that she's in danger.
I mean, if I need to drive her to the airport myself, - I will do that.
- Mm-hmm.
Unless you have a problem with that.
Uh, you know, I I really like this form of manipulation.
[Clears throat] Whatever we're doing, we should do it fast.
The Phoenix Stone turns people mad, and Julian's soul's been in it for over a hundred years, so anywhere he is, I need to be as far away as possible.
Hwah! Ah See, Beau, fencing's got to flow hwah! Like a conversation.
I speak.
You listen.
I speak some more.
You've improved.
Well done, friend.
Ah! Men: you're in my head get out of my bed you don't run the world you're in my head Lily: Gentlemen Our back yard's not big enough? Beau insisted, didn't you, friend? Heh heh.
Take it outside, please.
Well, you heard this ridiculously attractive woman.
You are suspiciously cheery.
Are you sure you shouldn't still be in bed? My love, I need to be on my feet again.
I spent the last hundred years on my back, so unless you can make an offer that I cannot refuse Mm Ok.
Tempting, but I have another idea.
And I like it already.
Ha ha ha! We have enemies here.
You mean Valerie.
That name is not to be uttered in this house.
I am referring to my sons.
Your sons are alive? Ok.
Well, I have some catching up to do.
- My thoughts exactly.
- Hmm.
[Doorbell rings] "Lily Salvatore requests your presence to celebrate our town's peaceful spirit and introduce a new friend This evening, 5:00.
" Hmm, looks like Mom raised her man crush from the dead.
[Tape rewinding] Alaric, on tape: I promise to be with you and love you.
[Cell phone rings] - Hey.
- Bonnie: Hey.
Remember when we used an ancient relic to raise your wife from the dead and ended up imbuing her with someone else's soul? Why are you calling me? Because I'm at Scull Bar, where faux Jo is currently holding her laptop like it's a book.
You promised me you would help her figure out who she was before she did anything crazy.
Yeah, and every time I look into her eyes, I see my murdered wife, so I'm taking a break.
I know this is probably impossible for you.
We have no idea what's gonna happen to her.
We can't just leave her unattended.
Well, just keep an eye on her, then.
I can't.
I have to go to Mystic Falls.
Lily Salvatore is having some peace party mixer which'll probably result in half of my friends nearly dying if I don't attend, so get here now, preferably before someone asks Jo to perform surgery, ok? Zac Carper: I just say that I'm happy now leave me alone Ah, go no tie, I'm going no tie.
Not just no tie, no going.
You saw her invite.
Julian's back.
You're going.
To watch Lily bat her eyes at her zombie douche brain boy toy? Thanks, but I'd rather stay home and stub my toe repeatedly.
You do realize that zombie douche brain boy toy is living in your house, bathing in your tub, eating your froot loops.
Oh, I know.
I also know that he's the love of Mom's life, Mom, who convinced Kai to link Elena's life with Bonnie's so I'd be miserable for the next 6-plus decades.
What are you getting at? Julian makes her happy, Stefan.
More time they spend together, the happier she gets, the more tragic it'll be in 6 months when I hand-deliver his heart to her.
6 months? Yeah, you know, give or take.
Let her get her hopes up.
Let her start planning their entire eternity, and then, squish, he's dead.
That might be a bit of a problem, brother, because I plan on killing the bastard tonight.
Seattle looks nice.
Hey, they got the Space Needle, great coffee, Mount St.
Didn't take you much of a sunshine person.
Um, I mean, there's always Indonesia.
Oh, you could rent a hut on the beach and drink out of coconuts.
Be 9,000 miles from your boyfriend in either direction.
Let's put a pin in locations for a moment and talk names because Valerie Tulle is way too traceable.
I'm thinking Matilda.
Oh, you could totally pull off Matilda Matilda Pettigrew from Liverpool, England.
What, do you want to write it down? You're handling me like I'm a wounded bird, like I'm some sort of victim, but I'm not.
When Stefan kills Julian, he can't hurt anyone else, and I can just put this whole mess behind me.
What mess? You know, the whole reason I'm afraid of Julian, my big secret, the entire horror story.
Stefan must have told you.
He promised me he wouldn't tell anyone, but I didn't know that that included you.
Well, his loyalty certainly is attractive, isn't it? Ok.
I'm sorry.
What didn't he tell me? Never mind.
As you were saying, uh, Matilda Pettigrew from Liverpool, hmm? That's good.
I like it.
So you just line up those matching pieces of candy like so.
There you go.
You got it.
It took Mary Louise a month to pass the first level.
And this is meant to be, like, fun, right? Oh, yeah.
Give it another 5 minutes, you'll be full-on addicted.
I think this era suits you, Nora.
Well, I wouldn't know.
Lily keeps us trapped inside the town border.
There's nothing here for us.
Well, I think she's just nervous to let her little birdies fly free.
She doesn't want another Valerie on her hands.
Well, Valerie's a traitor, and Lily knows she and I are nothing alike.
You certainly are not.
Perhaps I could talk to Lily, see if I can't convince her to loosen her reins a little.
- You would do that? - Of course.
There you are.
Guests are arriving.
Help me greet them? You're greeting them dressed like that? What's wrong with it? Absolutely nothing, Mary Louise.
You look stunning, as always.
[Creak] Am I allowed in, or does your cleaning lady need to invite me? We had her sign the house over to us.
She was too expensive.
Come in.
Thank you.
Compliments of the Lockwood cellar.
Oh, thank you.
Ooh, where did all these people come from? Neighboring towns.
We promised them a night of drink and conversation.
Ah, so you compelled them.
I wanted to show you what peace looks like.
My family is civilized.
None of these people are in danger.
Damon: What? No tie? What are you doing here? I missed my stash.
Lily: Boys, why don't you go mingle? I'll put this away.
Tell me that you are here to help me.
You know how you wanted to, uh, redecorate? Mm-hmm.
Can't let you do that.
Why the hell not? Because Lily just rearranged the furniture and she needs a little time to live in it, ow, fall in love because Lily just with the whole furniture feng shui of it all.
Let me guess for 6 months.
I give up.
What am I missing here? Why do you care so much? Let's just say that the furniture Lily recently purchased is psychotic and needs to be disposed of immediately.
Julian: Gentlemen, welcome.
- Hmm.
I'm Julian.
- I'm Damon.
Lily told me all about you.
Of course, you were only a boy back then, and now you're, well, you.
Stefan, how long has it been? I don't know.
I must have lost track after I stopped thinking about you.
Huh, my charm is being lost on you.
You must be dreadfully sober.
Beau, get these men something to drink, will you? Deputy Donovan.
It's Matt.
We lost all formalities when you and your girlfriend nearly drained me of all my blood.
The whole point of this shindig is to start over, so Got a better idea.
Why don't you convince your family to leave Mystic Falls? And why would I do that? Why would a group of vampires hang around an abandoned town with nothing to eat? What are we talking about? Apparently, Matt is sick of us.
I just want my town back, preferably before anyone else dies.
Look around.
Look at all these people.
They're still alive, aren't they? At least till the dessert course.
You're making it worse.
Come on.
Let's go meet people.
Bonnie: Oh, did whatever animal they're serving for dinner get a plus-one? Hilarious.
I was invited.
You're scoping the competition.
There is not competition to scope.
[Knocks on door] Since you're here, if anyone's wondering, you're my date.
Sorry? Lorenzo, I'm so glad you came.
Wouldn't miss it.
Bonnie, I know we've had a rocky past, but I hope this means you're willing to start fresh.
You're the reason I'm never gonna see my best friend again, so I hope you're joking.
- Ahh - Hmm, nice break.
Well, it is my pool table, after all.
Ah, Damon, come play with us.
Oh, I would, but I have an irrational fear of pool tables.
It's not a rational fear of losing? Wait.
Has he nev Have you never heard the story about the guy that tries to kill the vampire during a game of pool? Huh.
Well, considering my body's been in stasis for a century, why don't you enlighten me? Well, there's this guy.
He's about Stefan's build, maybe a wee bit bigger, little more chiseled, less height on the hair.
Get on with the story.
Right, so this vampire that he wants to kill is at least 300 years older than him, and anyone and everyone with half a brain knew he was being an idiot, but he had this inexplicable obsession, so he bets the vampire in a game of pool, and just as the vamp is setting up for his last shot And? - Never got a chance.
- Oh.
Another vampire comes out of nowhere and stops him.
Like I said, he was being an idiot.
Wow, that is a wonderful story, Hemingway.
[Whistling "Strangers in the Night"] Hmm.
Man: know what is to come or to sing of your history our lives are like I see you've mastered the Internet.
One of these students showed me something called WebMD.
Apparently, I have a form of retrograde amnesia.
So far, I've cancelled out encephalitis and paraneoplastic limbic encephalitis.
Most of my characteristics fall under fugue-state amnesia, which is rare, but then again, so is coming back from the dead, which I just said too loudly.
What? Nothing.
Woman: Dr.
Laughlin, you're back.
I thought you were on sabbatical.
Laura Homested, one of your interns at the med center last semester.
Oh, right.
You remember Laura, who you mentioned to me, right? Laura my star pupil.
Really? You gave me a "C".
Anyway, how was your honeymoon? Amazing, wasn't it, Ric? Yeah, uh, fantastic.
Oh, Dr.
Laughlin, y your nose.
Your nose is bleeding.
Oh, hey, do you mind getting us some napkins? Yeah.
I'll be right back.
[Coughs] What the hell is wrong with me? my lover [Scatting] [Applause] [Feedback] [Clink clink clink] I hate to interrupt the party, but I just wanted to introduce my dearest love Julian.
He's just returned from, shall we say, travels abroad.
My family is finally complete.
My hope now is that in time, we can learn to accept each other and, together, restore this town with its residents to a state of peace.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
[Glasses clink] [Sighs] [Piano playing softly] Beau, can I ask you something? Lily's concerns about me weren't entirely wrong.
My time away might have affected my head a bit, nothing to worry about, of course, but, um, there is a little something that would bring me great relief.
Our dearly departed Oscar had something of mine, but it wasn't on him when he died, so I thought perhaps it was in his automobile.
Could you maybe figure out where it was sent? Great.
[Pat] We haven't met.
- Lorenzo.
- Hmm.
Those meat-and-cheese spirals were decadent.
Your staff does fantastic work.
I'll send them your compliments.
It's called dignity.
Have some.
It's free.
Oh, what I got in return was priceless.
Julian is looking for Oscar's car.
I intend to find it first.
What are you doing? Lily is watching.
I am fixing your tie, making her jealous like any good date.
That's what you wanted, right, make her a little jealous? Maybe a little.
[Inhales] Anyway, I got what I came for.
Have a nice night.
[Coughing] Her nose just started to bleed, and And then that started.
Oh, here.
Uh! Take my blood.
It'll heal you.
[Gulping] [Gulp] [Coughing] Or not.
What the hell's wrong with her? Valerie: Seems a vampire soul inside a human body does not a perfect match make.
What does that mean? The Phoenix Stone traps vampire souls.
Oscar had a vampire body, got some other vampire's soul, and he lost the plot.
Jo was a human.
Clearly, a basic human body is unable to contain the essence of a vampire soul.
You add that together, carry the one, you're a decomposing mess.
Thank you, Valerie.
Your tact is wildly appreciated.
I was just saying that she was a corpse who was meant to stay a corpse.
We know.
We heard you, but that corpse was supposed to be Ric's wife who died with two kids inside of her on their wedding day.
I I had no idea.
Well, now you do, so just sit down quietly while he says good-bye.
Ah, what a pretty dress.
Do you think? Nora didn't even notice.
Well, Nora needs her eyes examined.
She's talking to everyone at this party but me.
I feel like a fool running around trying to impress my own girlfriend.
Stand still and say nothing.
Why don't you drink what you're actually craving? Lily would have my head.
No feeding on the guests.
She practically made us sign on oath in our blood.
Mm, just as I expected.
What? You, Mary Louise, have lost your swagger.
The girl I remember had spunk, vigor, danger, rules be damned.
No wonder Nora's bored.
Mm, I won't tell this if you won't.
[Slurping] Dorothy Martin: gotta raise a little hell ooh ooh ooh-ooh ooh ooh Mare, did you change? You're looking very Scarlett Johan Martin: baby, drop them bones baby, fare thee well somebody gotta gotta raise a little hell Man: Excuse me.
Can you tell me where the high school is? Oh, the entire town's shut down.
You haven't noticed the million signs? Yeah.
I'm looking for the high school.
I heard you the first time.
Why? Uh, can you tell me where the high school is? Who you been talking to? Uh, I can't say.
If my boss is looking for me, can you tell him I quit? Uh What was that about? I don't know, but I get the impression he didn't, either.
We should follow him [Cell phone chirps] Unless you have other plans.
This'll only take a minute.
I'll meet you at my truck.
Where the hell's your TV? - Where's my bed? - Wow.
Guess Lily took over your bedroom, and I will bet you your old flat-screen that Julian is not sleeping in the guest quarters.
Here, I thought she slept standing up like a horse.
You need to help me kill him, or you need to leave.
Do you know what this means? Knock it off.
It means Mom's happy.
Another couple of months of this, and she'll have convinced herself it's forever, and that's when we strike, Stefan.
Look at your bedroom.
Our house is unrecognizable.
Lily needs to go, and killing Julian is the start of that.
You know something.
Look at you murdery, vengeful.
It's very humanity-off, Stefan, except your switch is intact, which means you know something, so spit it out.
It's not my secret to tell, Damon.
Oh, really? Matt: So Nora showed me where they keep the good stuff.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hang on.
Does this bottle say, "default deputy"? No.
It says, "Damon's good stuff.
Do not touch.
" [Coughing] Stefan: Take Bonnie.
Get out of here.
It's about to get ugly.
My brother told the story wrong.
Ugh! Uh Ooh! Aagh! What are you doing? Aagh! Aagh! Aagh! Aagh! [Run-out groove crackling] Uhh Mhh Lily: What did I do to make you hate me so much? It's not about you.
Not about me? Ever since I've been back, all you have done is try to strip me of my happiness.
Answer me.
What did I do wrong? [Footsteps] Well, I see Stefan's plan went swimmingly.
Probably explains why your fake guests are leaving.
Sit down, both of you.
Damon: Oh, well, we wouldn't want to wear out our welcome.
Ha ha! Brother, let's hit the road.
Sit down, son, or I'll seat you myself.
Hmm, over a hundred years inside this thing, although in this, my own custom-made hell, time is meaningless.
The pain, the emptiness, the complete lack of humanity is quite literally endless.
Every day is the same.
I wake up.
I try to escape, but instead, I end up killing the person that I love the most.
Every day, over and over again, I drive a stake through your mother.
It's almost enough to turn even the soundest mind mad, but when you're over 475 years old, you learn a thing or two about yourself.
This couldn't be real because I would never bring harm to your mother.
Hell was playing tricks on me, hmm? It was trying to break me, but, no, I wouldn't let it because I knew that if I did snap Ooh, no, no I wouldn't be a man.
I'd be a monster.
Your children have no respect for you.
Rrgh Julian! Knock it off.
- Ah! - Julian.
[Gasps] Boys, out now.
I wonder what WebMD would have to say about me now.
It's probably best not to find out.
A woman was wielding a sword that pierced my heart.
The blade was metal.
It shouldn't have been able to kill me, but it did.
Did you just remember this? I also remembered my name.
I think I'm Florence.
Well, it's nice to meet you, Florence.
Birdy: I've been sleepless at night I am so sorry that I put you through this.
It's ok.
I know you want your wife back.
I'm sorry I'm not her.
I wish I was.
She was a lucky woman.
Birdy: if I look back to the start now You would have been an amazing husband.
Birdy: I see everything true there's still a fire in my heart, my darling It's been so nice It's been so nice to hear her voice again.
Thank you.
Thank you for allowing me to say good-bye.
Birdy: and who says love should [Alaric sobs] Birdy: break us when we fall? Good-bye, Ric.
Birdy: and if we're strong enough to let it in mm mm mm, mm mm mm we're strong enough to let it go oh oh oh, oh oh let it all go, let it all go, let it all out now we're strong enough to let it go oh oh oh, oh oh [Rattling] Hey, hey, what are you doing here? He did actually see us, didn't he? All right, everybody.
Please stand up.
We're gonna get you out of here, ok? [Snap snap] Bonnie: It's not gonna work, Matt.
Someone compelled them to be here.
Sanguinem filio, sanguinem effugarex perpetuum Do you want the white sheet or the off-white sheet? I don't care.
You choose.
Effugarex perpetuum What are you doing? What is that? It's my wedding video post-explosion.
I've never been able to watch it past the wedding vows.
- Valerie, turn it off.
- Quiet.
I recognize this chant.
That Gemini kid Kai thought they were sending him to a prison world.
Who cares? Turn it off.
You're not listening.
They weren't sending him away, Caroline.
They were trying to save the next generation of Gemini twins.
I think your babies are still alive.
He's still alive, so I don't know what you're moping about.
No talking until I'm seeing two of you.
Then I'll kick both of your asses.
This is why there is a hard line between good and evil, Stefan.
I don't cross over into your territory.
Don't cross over into mine.
This isn't about you, Damon.
Get over it.
You know, I never thought I'd say this, Stefan, but I miss the days when you just let your big brother handle all the dirty work.
Quite frankly, I can't figure out why you have such a big beef with this guy, unless v-card Valerie got under your skin.
You don't want to start with me right now, Damon.
I'm surprised, Stefan.
I thought Caroline was the one, and yet, again, we all thought Elena was the one, huh? What is it about the first time that just makes it so memorable? I got Valerie pregnant What? In 1863.
Julian found out about it, and he beat her until the baby was no longer alive.
Oh I could've been a father.
Why didn't you just tell me? What'd you want me to do, tell you I could've had a kid and watch you brush it off with some glib joke about how it was 150 years ago? Yeah.
I know it was 150 years ago, Damon, and it's stupid how much it affects me, but it still does.
I want him dead, Damon.
No one's gonna stop me from killing him Not in 6 months, not in 6 weeks Now.
Valerie: Twins are the lifeblood of the Gemini coven.
If a pregnant mother is in danger, then the transfer is our magical failsafe.
It's rarely used but used nonetheless.
Ric, tell me that this isn't crazy.
My wife, who died months ago, just looked me in the eyes and said good-bye to me.
Why the hell not? Because I don't want you to get your hopes up for something that's insane.
I need your blood.
Now put it here Indonesia, farthest geographical point from Mystic Falls.
Your progeny are, obviously, made up of your DNA.
If they're alive, the blood will travel along the map.
Once it's in the proximity of the babies, the map should ignite.
Close your eyes.
Clear your mind.
Phesmatos quare infantatum.
Phesmatos quare filios.
Ado finet terraeum.
Nunc temos rogamus.
Combutis et sanguinem.
Phesmatos quare infantatum.
Stefan: May I ask you something? Did Julian remind you of anyone in particular tonight? The almighty Giuseppe Salvatore.
- Mm-hmm.
- You saw it, too.
Yep, although I will say, Julian's right hook has got a little more heft to it.
Elena and I talked about starting a family.
I mean, it was fantasy, but still, we secretly knew as long as she was a vampire, it's all it was.
Then she took the cure, and all of a sudden, having a real family was a possibility.
Granted, it'd be dysfunctional as hell, but we'd have a real human family.
Did it ever scare you, the thought that maybe you'd turn out like our father? The guy sent our mom away to die alone.
He bullied us for years, and then he shot us.
If anything, I just want to be a great dad to spite him.
- Hmm.
- What about you? Well, I've been on this earth for 160-some years, and I've seen the world at 30,000 feet.
I've traveled to every continent and learned how to cook, built a Porsche.
I think my only regret would be not having a kid.
If you want Julian dead, I'll help you.
Tomorrow, tonight, now I'm in.
What the hell happened down there? You were in a blind rage.
Ha! Rage? We offered them escargot and wine, and your boy threw me in the fire, so he's lucky that he still has his head.
They were just trying to hurt me, all right? Look.
The whole point of tonight was to end this feud, not start a new one.
Why do you care what they think? The Lily that I remember moved on from her children.
Where's the girl that I fell in love with, the girl that I found irresistible? I can't say that I recognize this version.
This version has no desire to see her children dead.
If you have a problem with that, we have a problem.
Lily Perhaps I'm more affected by my time away than I wanted to admit.
You know I was wishing that the hell had gone away, but my mind, it's not right.
I mean, the truth is, I'm frightened that I'm not the Julian that you remember.
- We'll fix it.
- [Sighs] We'll fix it together, all right, but you must promise me nothing like that will ever happen again.
Well, in the meantime [Sniffles] I need to feel safe.
Your kids will strike again, and I need to protect myself.
What I believe you have in mind will take the cooperation of the entire family.
It will, but I don't anticipate that to be a problem.
They love me.
Valerie: Finet terraeum.
Nunc temos rogamus.
Combutis et sanguinem.
Phesmatos quare infantatum.
Ado finet terraeum.
Nunc temos rogamus.
Combutis et sanguinem.
Phesmatos quare filios.
Guys, I don't think it's working.
Nunc temos rogamus.
Combutis et sanguinem.
Caroline: Guys, stop.
The spell isn't working, ok? The blood's just off the map now.
See? I warned you not to get your hopes up.
Oh, my God! Ok.
What the hell happened? Not possible.
What's not possible? Valerie: Babies.
They're here.
Caroline: Where, huh, floating in a raft in the Pacific Ocean somewhere? Look at the map.
Your spell didn't work.
They're not on the map, Caroline.
They're inside of you.