The Venture Bros (2003) s02e12 Episode Script

Showdown At Cremation Creek (Part 1)

Morning, sugar blossom.
Breakfast in bed.
I got an orange and a bag of carob pretzels.
That's all they had in the mini-bar.
Why don't you put that crap down and come over here? Hello, girls.
Remember me? Dumpling? Have you had some work done? I can barely get my hands around them.
They're exactly the same size.
- Are you riding your menstrual cycle? - No! What are you getting at? That maybe you're hiding something from me? Like a little gift that Phantom Limb left in your oven.
All right.
I knew you couldn't handle this.
It's crazy! We've been meeting in this crappy hotel like, three times a week and it's going nowhere! All right, fine, I'll do Thursdays, too! But only for, like, an hour.
Which means we have to get right to the dirty deed! I give you permission to begin without me.
Gee, thanks.
Look, I keep coming home with welts on my neck and the "I got jumped by Flying Squid" excuse is starting to get Phantom Limb a wee bit suspicious.
Screw Phantom Limb! No, wait, no, don't.
Don't you get it?! I love you! But I don't want this! All right.
Fine! Oh, crap.
You're crying.
I I Marry me? Stop it, I'm worn down from all this! I should go.
- Marry me.
- You're being serious? Deadly serious! - Yes.
- Good! Done.
Now get your ass back in that bed! But we need to make some ground rules.
No more of this "I need my space, you're crowding me" crap.
Fine, whatever.
Where were you hiding that list? Two! I'm not your number two.
I'm your partner.
I'll get you a crown or something.
Anything else on that magic and probably moist list of yours? Yes, number three.
This whole Dr.
Venture thing is over.
Yes! We kill him once and for all! And we shall make slaves of his sons and a lamp from the flesh of Brock Samson! No! I want you to give up this insane grudge you have with Dr.
Venture once and for all! No way! Dr.
Venture is my sworn enemy! Never mind then, I knew you weren't serious! No, no, don't go! Fine, I'll do it.
No more arching Dr.
- Ever? - Never.
- Swear.
- I pinky swear! OK? Are you happy now? The happiest woman alive.
He's gonna kill us.
- Maybe if we beg for mercy.
- God, let him.
It would be such sweet release from this torture we've brought upon ourselves.
F it, you kill me.
Just don't hit my head or make too much noise doing it.
I have an idea, Chunk.
You open this door, and I'll kill ya.
What did we do? Sh! I thought I dreamt that part.
Apparently, you lost your hearing as well as your arms.
I said I'm getting married to your girlfriend! Yes, yes.
I heard you.
You surprise me, Limb.
You're taking this pretty well.
I thought you'd try to kill me.
I'm no fool, Monarch.
You don't live with a woman and not know when this is coming.
You don't dine on the bounty of a woman's flesh and not know what she's thinking.
- OK, OK.
You don't drive your manhood over and over into a woman and Yes, stop.
I get it! Just give me her sh and let me go.
She needs something old.
In due time.
I thought we'd have a nice chat first.
There's one.
- Was that Mr.
Monday? - Yes.
You two were in prison together, were you not? I saw him around.
I think.
You'd be surprised at the array of wildlife here on the grounds.
Wonder what other game we could scare up.
Dr Septapus? Oh, don't tell me.
Not another one of your former prison mates? What are the odds? All right, Limb.
What's going on here? Just disposing of some vermin.
Terrible, the havoc they can wreak on a meticulously manicured lawn, you know.
OK, OK, fine.
So what did you do? Bust all these guys out of jail just to show me how ruthless you are? What do you take me for, a common thug? Of course not.
I hired them an excellent appeals attorney.
And there he is.
Please! Phantom Limb! I did everything you asked! I'm a reasonable man, Monarch.
But don't think for a moment that I will forget this.
Revenge, like gazpacho soup is best served cold, precise and merciless.
Oh, yeah.
You can never have enough precision in your soup.
Look, nutjob, I hate these traitorous dinks more than you do! So shoot whoever you want.
Her sh is by the door in a box marked "Hers.
" It's like playing keep-away with the neighborhood spastic.
Can't get a bead on him.
You should give us the all-seeing orb.
"You should?" nice, Al.
Very polite.
What? You catch more flies with honey.
- Give us the eye, or face oblivion! - Please! Fat chance, ladies.
Weep the tears of damnation! Form the Thaumaturgic Man-Mound! Man, Orpheus, what are you wearing? Golf shoes? I think my hand is bleeding.
And the squirming I think it's the flip part.
That's the zing.
We need the zing.
Well, the zing hurts my hand.
Well, if we practiced more often than once a month Hey, look! I'm in The Residents! Does anybody else feel even slightly embarrassed here? Only most of the time.
Practice makes perfect! We shall meet at my home for some real training.
Yeah! Slumber party! Are you out of your f minds?! They were going to be our gift to you guys.
"On this your wedding day.
" You dicks! I promised her! I made a pinky swear! A sacred pinky swear! Dr.
Fiancée is going to flip! And then she will never have sex with me again! - How does he do that? - I can hear that in my eyes! Will you shut up and listen to your leader?! Do not do that.
We get it.
We screwed up.
Just use the quiet voice, please.
Look, don't think I'm not impressed.
I am.
That isn't what this is about.
I'd love to know why you couldn't pull this off at, like, any point in the last ten years, but Wait a minute.
How the hell did you pull this off? Well, after the party died down and you went to bed you know, some of us were still pretty wired and so we decided to pick up a case and hit the tenderloin.
Mind you, we were wicked toasted by this point which is when I spotted this tattoo parlor and I just had to get me some ink.
See? I've had this design in my wallet for, like, a year but, you know, that sh is permanent.
- You never had the balls.
- Guilty.
But once this Cowardly Lion got himself some courage from that Wizard of Booze, we went in there.
Stand by.
OK, so we get in there.
And who should we see, not, like, ten feet away getting himself a sweet friggin' tat? None other than Brock Samson, murderist extraordinaire.
Slayer of men, slayer of henchmen.
He, who would, and has, totally ripped our heads off if he saw us coming.
Which, of course, he didn't, so we got the jump on him.
Now there were, of course, the predictable casualties.
Of course.
But once he was, like, totally out of the picture we naturally got to thinking Dr.
Venture's, like, easy pickings now.
And what better gift to get The Monarch, than his arch-nemesis? Honey! I'm going to start getting dressed.
I just want What the f? Funny face! You're - Hi.
- I can't believe you.
You couldn't keep a promise for one lousy month?! That's it.
I'm calling this off.
No, no, no, no.
This isn't how it looks.
You've got Dr.
Venture and his whole f family in that f cell and this isn't how it looks? No.
Of course not, pookums.
He's He's my best man.
You know, I wanted to prove to you I was going to let bygones be bygones.
Turn over a new leaf.
Then why are they in our holding cell? Because, well we were rehearsing the whole ring thing, you know and the blonde kid, he was all, like, "Is that a real prison cell?" And I'm like, "Yeah, you want to see inside?" And between you and me, the kid's not the sharpest tack.
Pretty sure he thinks we're in a submarine.
Where are we? - See? - All right, fine.
Well, I got to get ready.
The next time I see you, we'll be man and wife.
Can't wait.
See you later Mr.
A bientôt, Dr.
The Council of 13 has reviewed your request and it is denied.
You are to commit no acts of vengeance against The Monarch.
It matters not that you were dumped.
And that's kinda you know.
- I understand, Sovereign.
- May I suggest you start a journal? There you could pour out your woes upon the tear-stained pages of dear diary.
That is an excellent suggestion, my liege.
Or maybe go jogging with friends.
I shall do just that! You honor me, my master.
So I have your word then? No movement on The Monarch.
- You have my word.
- Excellent! Well, I'm glad we got this wrapped up.
I've got a wedding to get to.
I'm gonna go.
I can't thank you jerks enough.
So, you and Manwich are finally tying the knot, huh? I always figured you for a closet case.
In your dreams, macho man.
I'm about to marry the hottest piece of ass in Supervillainy.
- Why would you do this? - What, be a henchman? Yeah! Retardo costume, some skinny guy yelling at you all the time Dude, are you describing me or you? - I don't wear a costume.
- What!? Are you drunk? Where do you even buy a baby blue kerchief? I just said kerchief.
Dude, what, does your dad use his time machine to go shopping? Are the walls titanium, or made of secret rocket-ship metal? What? Who cares? I know they're wicked easy to stain.
Then we can rule out any chromium-based metals.
Those clean nicely with a damp cloth.
All right.
I'll "rule that out.
" So you like being a - Dean? - Yeah, a Dean.
That must kind of suck.
Come on, that voice!? Sounds like a dude! - Probably still half a dude.
- Hell-o, jealous much? Excuse me, but I am not the rough trade in a tight camisole with a naked guy tattooed on my arm! It's not finished.
Supposed to be Icarus.
You know, from the Led Zeppelin albums, yeah, yeah.
Super f cool! When I was, like, 14.
Sweetie, it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding.
It's Doct Rusty Venture.
- I have something for you.
- Sorry.
I brought you something blue.
So you agreed to be the best man.
That's rather big of you.
That's not the only thing that's big of me.
Are you trying to say something sexual? Don't play games here Charlene.
Who is Charlene? Why don't you two go help Willy Wonka or something? This is grown-up business.
Who is Charlene?! Only the finest woman in 18 years to steal my heart only the sexiest pile of girl parts to climb Mount Rusty.
What? I have no idea what you're Oh, my God! I'm here! And I've got some fancy beer and some chips that are guaranteed to be extreme! - How is that possible? - I don't know.
By putting a lightning bolt on the bag.
Where's JT? I got him a surprise.
- He's setting up the apparatus.
- Apparatus? Sounds sexy.
Al, what is that? I need earplugs to look at your shirt.
I'm in disguise as a paunchy gay guy who loved Jimmy Buffett.
I thought you were setting up an apparatus! That's a pilates mat and a baby's first birthday candle.
Orpheus is trying to hone our conjuring skills.
I'll try to work up some interest.
But in the meanwhile, what say you gents to taking the edge off? For one, it's only noon, and two, I don't drink.
I know.
I have here, in this very bag five packs of nickel nips.
Maybe after we have filled our bellies with the super-natural.
There is much to do! Yeah, like watch JT go blind on red-flavored sugar water.
Orpheus, get the insulin! It's been a while.
What's that?! You say you're waxy good.
You tease.
I think I've still got an old costume you can wear.
And before you say it, I was much slimmer then.
I was gonna say you have more toys than a little girl.
- What? Dude, there are no toys in here.
- What do you call that? - That's a maquette.
- Doll.
And that? - That is a collectable bust.
- That is a toy.
How can you play with a disembodied head? Well, he could be like a like an all-knowing head that tells - Quisp? - That tells Quisp that he has to kill - The micronaut.
- Kill the micronaut.
- So do you wanna - Only if I get to be that He-Man head.
I bet I know what I'd like to do.
Is it sit quietly till the wedding begins? No, silly! I would sure love a tour of the engine room.
I've only read about engines that run on anti-matter.
OK, there, junior science cadet.
Why don't you go exploring or something? Just don't touch anything.
Aye-aye, sir.
I'll touch with my eyes, not with my hands.
Care to escort this cadet? That's a negative, Cadet Dean who really should be going now.
Under orders? That's preposterous! - You were all over me.
- That was my mission.
I seduce you, turn you into a butterfly and then The Monarch was going to tie you to this huge bug zapper thing.
But you didn't! You gave me the antidote.
And why? Because I turned the tables and made you fall for me.
- You didn't even know it was me! - Well, I do now.
And I put two and two together, and that equals forever.
All right.
You understand that you're my boyfriend's archenemy? You know how this works, right? I know what works.
I know that we works.
And I know as sure as sugar that you planned this whole thing.
That was my big dream.
I wanted to get The Monarch and Dr.
Venture together and then do them both.
I'm not willing to share you.
You have to make a choice.
What's a girl to do? Will you zip me up? You kicked my moppets out.
Die! Die! - I killed Hugo! - You totally missed! Oh, my God! So wrong! Solarian has, like, 20/two billion vision.
Cool beans! The beard comes off.
Hello-ski! I am, how you say, Russian Guyovitch! Hank, you should totally grow one of those! You look like Green Arrow.
Or, like, the mirror mirror version of Hank! - Yeah, Evil Hank! - Yeah, Evil Hank, completely.
Crap, is that the time? Dude, the guests will be here any minute and I'm not even dressed! Hello, Rusty, it's time to get up! OK, come on, we've got work to do.
And then, like, that wasn't enough I ended up with a raging case of crotch crickets.
And did I get an apology? Hell, no.
I got a, "I'll call you.
" Still waiting for that chestnut.
OK, Byron, your turn.
Truth or dare.
You're actually talking to me? Truth.
Did you really think you could get a bunch of middle-aged men together to chase bad guys around and take it seriously? Well, yes, I did, as a matter of fact.
The Order of the Triad has potential.
Potential? When JT was conscious he was throwing up artificial cherry-flavored vomit.
And I'm a little Busby Berkeley myself.
Just don't touch anything.
What could go wrong? You know I'm on the PA and not in your mind, right? What? Yeah.
I wasn't going to push it.
- Good.
Now get to the wedding.
- Okie-dokie.
- Good.
You going to the ceremony? - Yes sir.
The radar's been lit up like a Christmas tree.
You got to get these radars to The Monarch, pronto.
Keep it hush, OK? What is that? - You seen my brother? - Nah, he's probably sitting down torturing Monstroso with Snapple Facts.
Nah, I don't think Holy moly! That guy is almost a truck! Truckulese? - Yeah.
- With a "T.
" Here you are and your guest.
Came stag, friend.
This big ol' rig takes up two seats.
OK, but you only get one bag of Jordan Almonds.
Bride's side, fourth row, seats 6-7.
- Where am I sitting? - You are next to Sergeant Hatred and guest.
Look at that, honey! Look at that! Tell me those aren't the monitors from my old hover tank? What the hell kind of a deal is this what kind of a shabby operation they running here? You're not gonna bad touch me, are you? Do I know? Honey, do we know him? No! Hello-ski! I am How you say? Russian Guyovitch! Sergeant Hatred, pleased to meet you! This here's Princess Tiny Feet.
Show him, honey.
Show him the little gentlemen.
So she is.
Look at those perfect little toes, so plump! Like little nibblets! Like little corn nibblets! - Maize.
- That's right, honey! Hot damn it! Those things are beautiful! Gimmie, gimmie! Gimmie just a little! Gimmie just - No way! - Is that? David Bowie.
- Brock Samson, it's been a while.
- Not long enough.
You're lucky I don't kill you right here after what you pulled in Berlin.
You're welcome to try.
- What the hell are you doing here? - He's giving me away.
You look fabulous! Thank you so much for doing this, David.
And one, two All right.
Left foot on the one but don't enter until the second verse! I'll know when to go out.
- She's too good for you.
- Are you still mad at me? What!? I'm suddenly supposed to be your best friend? I can't remember a day of my life that you didn't f up.
Calm down.
Look at all that history! We have so much in common.
You don't know the half of it, buddy-boy.
What is that supposed to mean? There she is! Hi, pookums! - I feel so dirty when they start talking cute.
- Get used to it.
I wanna tell her that I love her but the point is probably moot.
Are you reciting Jessie"s Girl? Sorry! Dearly beloved We just need to take it more seriously.
The séance was going great.
Don't you remember how light as a feather and stiff as a board Jefferson was? - He's still pretty stiff.
And we were able to materialize a spirit from the beyond or at least from a trading card.
Poor guy.
Can we take him in the back and kill him with a shovel or something? Why am I bothering? You don't care about this.
I care about the true spirit of the divine! I care about the universal truth but being a magic super hero that keeps chasing the same guy? It's completely gay! And that is coming from a guy that voluntarily has sex with men! Well.
So does this mean it's over? - Are we breaking up? - I guess so.
Do you want me to pack up my blackula hunter and leave quietly? Come on, Byron, don't be so ding-dong serious all the time! Your Montel Williams neck pin is blinking.
There is cosmic peril somewhere.
No, no, answer it! I guess I'll just wait.
It says that Dr.
Venture and his entire family are in danger.
Then there was something about hundreds of deaths.
Like you care.
No! You old bag of sad! That I care about! That's the kind of cosmic ju-ju I am interested in! For I am, the Alchemist, seeker of truth! And I am Dr.
Orpheus, master necromancer! And he is Jefferson Twilight, blackula hunter! Do you, Ms.
The Girlfriend take Mr.
The Monarch to be your lawfully wedded husband? To have and to hold in sickness, and in health till death do you part? I Monarch, this is the Phantom Limb.
- You are surrounded.
- Dick move! You have five minutes to turn over my girlfriend or I will destroy your ridiculous cocoon and all inside.
Ça, c'est de la bonne soupe
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