The Venture Bros (2003) s03e01 Episode Script

Shadowman 9: In the Cradle of Destiny

Deep breath.
Sheila, you've been rehearsing this.
[ Inhales, exhales deeply .]
Monarch I'm-- whoa! Pay attention, Monarch! That last one almost took my head off! Sorry! Sorry.
I was just thinking about how this time yesterday when we were floating in our comfy escape cocoon still moist from doing it Yeah? and how you turned to me and softly made your brave confession.
And how this is the last fucking thing I expected you to say! [ Up-tempo music plays .]
HENCHMAN 24: Well, they're gone.
Now what the hell do we do? HENCHMAN 21 : We forge our own destiny.
We are as Ronin-- wandering samurai without a master.
TIM-TOM: Wrong.
We're your master now.
HENCHMAN 24: What? Says who? Who died and put you in charge? May we point out the obvious.
Henchman number 2, front and center.
OK, Henchman 3, step forward.
Henchman 4, 5.
Henchman 6.
You see? There isn't even anyone here above, what, an 1 8? Whereas Kevin and I were Dr.
Girlfriend's number 2s.
- Our numbers are ranks? - Shush! You're inept, undisciplined, lazy-- shall I go on? Ow! Let me ask you a question, 24.
You better watch your step.
There's a whole lot more of us than there are of you.
Yeah, and not just numerically.
We each have like 3 feet and 1 00 pounds on you.
Some of us more.
Was that a fat dig? Yeah! What do you think of that? ALL: Yeah.
- Kevin.
- Thought you'd never ask, Tim-Tom.
Aah! Ooh! [ Groaning .]
Any questions? Good.
Team A, start cleaning this crap up.
Team B, take this list to Home Depot.
You ask for Carl.
You can't do this to us.
Where's the Monarch? MAN: You will see him soon enough.
Only after the Guild of Calamitous Intent is satisfied.
You know why you are here.
No clue.
A few hours ago, I was in my floating escape bed repeatedly consummating my marriage and the next thing I know your supercreeps are blindfolding us and dragging us here to get shot at.
This is the way these things are done.
And in light of recent events we need to be sure we can trust you.
Trust us? You were the ones who promoted him all these years.
There's no reason to get defensive.
We just have some questions for you.
Tell us about the traitor Phantom Limb.
I know he wears an awful lot of purple for a white guy.
What else you want to know? You know damn well that Phantom Limb ruined my life.
Ruined it? My dear Doctor, he began it.
PHANTOM LIMB: Je t'adore.
[ Speaking French .]
I didn't know you could speak French.
[ Chuckles .]
There is much you don't know about me and tonight's your lucky night.
Tonight you will learn all my secrets.
Oh, for God's sakes.
The French was impressive but how about at least taking a girl out for dinner? This was once my curse but now it is my blessing.
Behold! What happened to your legs? What do you know of evil? Why? You "evil-ed" your legs? PHANTOM LIMB: Evil is misunderstood.
Society slaps our wrists and tells us to simmer down while she wages her murderous wars, destroys our planet and prays to the mighty dollar.
And then she made your legs invisible? Do you have something to tell me or are you just trying to scare me for the fun of it? Join me and you could have everything you want.
[ Chuckles .]
The world is yours.
MONARCH: Oh, man.
If that shows up on Youtube-- I-I'm serious.
What kind of torture is this? Couldn't you just drill my teeth or shove bamboo under my nails or something? This is not a torture, Mr.
It is an interrogation.
Or a trial of sorts.
I always say it's a crucible.
Oh, that's way cooler.
Now you have seen how easily the Doctor was seduced by evil.
Look, heads, any guy in a tight evil costume could seduce Dr.
Girlfriend back then.
I'm not retarded.
I mean, I know her past.
Her past with the traitor Phantom Limb? [ Sighs .]
Man! What do you want me to pull my tights off so you can jam it in deeper? Does she know your past with him? Yeah, yeah.
Of course.
Of course.
No, no.
I told her that so there's no reason to get into that again.
Indulge us.
Observe! WATCH: Welcome to the Citadel of Attribution.
My name is Watch.
I will be the only human face you will see speak to, and enjoy.
So that's Lady Au Pair.
Dude, get out of here.
She's not supposed to see anybody but me.
- Really? - No, I'm making that up.
Yes, really! Oh, should I put on my hood? Forget it.
She already saw your face.
- You might as well stay.
- Good.
So, Lady Au Pair, OK it seems that you bombed as a single.
Mm, yeah.
My Murderous Moppets were kind of hard to handle.
No, not interested.
We have you slotted for a Number 2 position.
Are you a Vendetta Candidate? Anybody out there that's got it in for you? No.
I'm enrolled in the general studies program.
Do you have a theme in mind? Like, do you have a mutation? I'm sure you want to feature that voic-- Dude, ix-nay on the oice-vay.
I'm not interested in doing a theme based on my voice.
Oh, come on! When did they put Pig-Latin back into the curriculum? Then let's work on a mutation.
The Ocelot Woman.
You simply mutate into ocelot.
We'll let him bite you, and bang-- ocelot powers.
They are fierce and super territorial.
Formfitting costume with ears and a tail that uh, grabs things.
Uh, no.
Mink De Lovely.
Take a quick dip in a vat of boiling minks.
They have been skinned, pureed, and belted with gamma rays.
Very sexy costume with this option.
I was thinking of something that plays off my abilities more than my sexuality.
Say no more! You want a Number 2 for a woman.
The feminist-type.
Meet pin-up murderess Betty Rage.
PHANTOM LIMB: The girl is with me.
Pardon our insolence, Phantom Limb.
I will complete her training myself.
Shadowman 9.
- Shadowman 9! - SHADOWMAN 9: Quit shoving.
What? Oh.
Am I 9? I thought I was Shadowguy 6.
Take Lady Au Pair to The Lair of the Phantom.
Of course.
I mean, uh, gladly.
I mean, yes, Master Limb.
- So - What? Oh, you mean now? But wait.
Was that henchman the Monarch? - Silence! - What is that? What are you doing? I was just trying to sound intimidating.
Ah, yes.
Go on.
The traitor Phantom Limb has controlled you from the very beginning.
Playing you-- Silence! [ Clears throat .]
OK, you need to do that when she's talking.
Now I completely forgot what I was saying.
He was more than your controller.
Hewasyourlover! No duh.
Yet still you were not satisfied.
Well, I'm a go-getter.
What, did you really expect me to work for Phantom Dink my whole life? We expected you to go through the proper channels and training.
Not just make a costume out of leggings and cardboard and immediately go after Dr.
That prick had it coming! Why, exactly? Our sources tell us you began arching him in college.
Yeah, yeah.
Roll the clip.
Unfortunately, we have no visual records of your time in college.
Really? Oh, so we're not gonna have to sit through hours of me abusing myself to Markie Post? Of course not.
How could we have video of you from that long ago? That's crazy.
We're the Council of 1 3, not magic angel babies.
We don't have, like, a magic window into the past, you know.
I get it.
Then why don't you enlighten us all? Well, Night Court was huge at the time-- - Not that.
- Oh.
Well [Clears throat.]
my first attempt to destroy Venture was admittedly a failure.
[ Explosion .]
Yes! - Malcolm, did you hear? - What? T.
Venture-- What?! Tell me! Is he dead?! No.
He blew up Werner Underbheit's face! Aah! Not only did I miss my target but Venture got the credit for my sinister handiwork.
He left school right after that on account of his dear old dad dear-old died.
Hey, who killed him anyway? You guys must know.
We're asking the questions here, Mr.
In retrospect, I was still undergoing what we in the butterfly biz call the "pupal stage.
" For my second attempt, I needed to become something more-- Something twice as beautiful and thrice as deadly.
[ Engine revs, tires screech .]
Aaaaaah! Die, Dr.
Venture! Die! Di-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-e! Aaaaaah! Dr.
Venture! Gaze upon the face of doom and cower before me! [ Panting .]
For I amthe Mon-- Ooh! Ow! I would've taken him down then if Venture hadn't hired a private army of ex-Navy Seal cyborg ninja witches to protect him.
Also, my memory's a little foggy but I'm pretty sure he had a fucking tank.
So you admit that you were arching Dr.
Venture with neither license nor consent from the Guild of Calamitous Intent.
Well, duh! I hadn't even heard of you schmucks yet.
We have pages and pages of complaints all signed by Dr.
Thaddeus S.
Venture and all filed after you registered yourself as a henchman with the Guild.
You can't see it, but he's holding them off camera.
So he was moonlighting as a Monarch when he was working under Limb? Not just the traitor Phantom Limb but everyone he ever henched for.
The Sea Anemone, Helicoptro even Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Nightmare Coat.
By his own admission it seems that he created this persona for one reason.
To menace Dr.
Thaddeus Venture.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! How'd we get off track here, huh? I thought you guys wanted to know about Phantom Limb.
We will deal with the traitor Phantom Limb.
The Council has assembled this Tribunal - Interrogation.
- Inquiry.
- Trial.
- More of a crucible.
to determine your fate.
We gave up our honeymoon for this?! I did what you asked.
I made him promise to stop arching Dr.
Venture! Which sucked.
Hasn't the Monarch suffered enough? He has not even begun his suffering.
According to this Tribunal MAN: Crucible.
there is no Monarch.
Let's go, people! Today! What the hell is this? It looks like a spare Monarchmobile.
I can't believe this! We could've been tooling around in that sweet ride for the last year instead of my crappy Stanza.
Speaking of, check this out.
Oh! My Stanza! Doug's gonna kill me.
Who the hell is Doug? My dad.
I never finished paying him for this.
21 and 24 quit your bullshitting and get back to work! BOTH: Sorry, sir.
Man, I can't believe those little Midg-Hitlers expect us to rebuild this whole freakin' place! What are the odds we'll get lucky enough they'll pull a double Villechaize on themselves? Huh? W-wait! Maybe someone we know could take them out for us.
Dude, they tore through everyone we know like a bag of Lays.
Uh, right.
But who else do we know who's done the same thing to, like, everybody else that we know, like 1 00 times? Mmah! [ Beeping .]
The Council of 1 3 has determined that the person acting as the Monarch is in violation of the Guild's primary law of organized villainy and is hereby sentenced to a painful execution.
By hot lava.
Oh, boy, it's lava this week.
I thought it was bee stings.
What say you in defense? You guys are dicks? This is nonsense.
This isn't my fault.
- That is for us to-- - Silence! Oh! You were so close.
I should've just gone with my instincts and said it when I felt it.
You're gonna let me defend him, right? Yes.
Guild law provides you with the opportunity for rebuttal.
Oh, you are in for a beating.
I've done this before, you know.
[ Clears throat .]
Can I use your magic videos of every embarrassing thing I've ever done? Our records are at your disposal.
Then bring up the night I first made it with Dr.
Uhare you serious? Deadly! There's more to that night than just the proof of my unbelievable sexual prowess.
MAN: There had better be.
Observe! Number 9, I have orders for-- holy crap! You're-- The Monarch! So, you've heard of the mighty Monarch, then? No.
The hot new villain that's arching Dr.
Venture? I'm all the rage.
I thought Dr.
Venture was dead.
Venture's son.
- I can't believe you haven't heard of me.
- Sorry.
Well, Limb's hosting the Guild Ball tonight.
You're on duty.
So you can't go arch that kid.
I'm not going to arch tonight.
Tonight I am attending the Guild Ball as the Monarch! Ah, dude, the place is gonna be crawling with Guild guys.
You can't arch here.
They'll kill you.
They might make me kill you.
No arching! I shall don the colors for love.
As a henchman, she is forbidden fruit but as the Monarch, she is easy pickings.
Tonight I take what is loinfully mine.
Mm, nope.
Tonight you are standing around holding a tray of mini tacos dressed like an idiot with a 9 on your chest.
You wear my costume tonight and do me this favor and I'll make you the Monarch's Number 2.
- Really? - Totally.
I'm just waiting for some trust-fund money to slide out of escrow and then I'm doing this full time, baby.
You're my boy, 24.
I meanNumber 2.
[ Clears throat .]
Well? Well, what? Well, didn't you say that I was dressing like the Monarch for one reason-- to arch Dr.
Venture? Well And here you plainly see me wearing my clunky old costume for another reason.
Ha! Eat it! No, no, no, no, no, no.
That's not the part I was talking about.
Play the rest of the video.
Uh, that gets kind of - Compromising.
- Well Naughty, extra-hot great? Yeah, more like that.
Just play it.
There is a good reason.
There better be.
MONARCH: So I noticed that the ray gun's safety was on, right? So I go, "No blast can penetrate "the exoskeleton of the Mighty Monarch!" [ Laughs .]
And I am scared shitless.
Oh, I could imagine.
And then Captain Sunshine pulls the trigger and, of course, nothing.
To this day, he still thinks I'm invulnerable.
Oh, that is priceless.
That is rich, I'll tell ya.
Well, my tank's gettin' low.
Can I get you kids something to drink? No? OK.
Pull over! Truckules coming through.
Oh, that guy's a hoot.
Yeah, I used to work for him.
So now you're Number 2-ing for, uh Phantom Limb.
Yeah, if you could even call it that.
I don't do anything.
I just stand around in this skimpy outfit and-- Look amazing.
I can't believe he treats you like that.
I mean, you are, like the most capable villain in his whole group.
- Well, you think? - Oh, I know.
Uh, what say we, uh, step outside, huh? The smell of diesel exhaust in here is killing me.
[ Mid-tempo music playing, both moaning .]
That was amazing.
You know, uh, "Monarch" doesn't just mean butterflies.
There's a whole royalty angle, too.
The double meaning to the word.
You should work with that.
Like a king.
Like "The King of the Butterflies.
" I like it.
Oh, I should write that down.
Oh, yeah! Yeah.
You could-- you could wear a crown and everything which isn't to say you can't push the butterfly thing a little further, too.
Like instead of a cape, why not wings? - Wings.
- You know, you're a supervillain.
You should just be going nuts with this thing.
Would they actually work? Whatlike, could you fly with them? Yeah, sure.
I could design you some functional lightweight wings that would actually work.
You-- you would do that for me? Only if you'd promise to get a car with a bigger backseat.
Oh, yeah.
So we can try out the more acrobatic positions.
For the henchmen, silly.
We're gonna have lots and lots of henchmen.
[ Purrs .]
You know, there's-- there's really something I should tell you before we make this official.
[ Clears throat .]
Queen Etheria, I'm-- Eyebrows! Wow.
I-I thought your mask was an aesthetic choice but I can get used to-- No, no, no.
That's not my secret.
The thing is-- Oh! Hey! Aah! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Sheila, clean yourself up and go upstairs.
Our guests have been asking questions.
We'll discuss this matter after I've disposed of this pest.
I'm not coming back to the party, Hamilton.
I'm not coming back ever! I'm gonna work with the-- Is there a problem, Mr.
Limb? Uh, no, no.
No problem, my lieges.
Merely saying good night to my guests.
Yeah, I'm gonna give Queen Etheria a ride.
Very well.
Please be quick about it.
Councilman 1 0 is getting drowsy.
I shall.
[ Chuckles .]
Well, good night, fellas.
Good night, Sparky.
What is your name, you insolent little nobody? Why I'm the mighty M-m-m Man-otaur! Then let this be a warning to you Man-otaur.
You're hereby officially on the Phantom Limb's shit list.
And from this night forward my primary focus in life will be to destroy you.
Shadowmen! Oh, yeah? Well, you'll have to find me first.
That is, if you can make it through my Mmm-Malevolent Murder Maze.
[ Laughs .]
Eh Wait.
Take me with you.
Well, you said you wanted lots of henchmen.
Uh, that's 9.
The one I told you about-- with the staring.
Sorry, man.
Did that video have a wipe? Councilman 3 got Adobe premiere.
Was it too showy? I thought it would make the scene more lively.
- And why'd you change the music? - Pardon? Listen, a man remembers what's on his car radio the first time he taps his future wife.
That was not the song.
Uh, we couldn't afford the rights.
Einar was ready to sign but Bjork's lawyers just would not budge.
Well, that proves it.
Are you gonna tell me that Phantom Limb is so stupid that he couldn't recognize his own henchman or that he's so dim that later when he met the Monarch he couldn't put two and two together? It does seem far-fetched.
Nobody's that thickheaded.
Clearly, Phantom Limb is responsible for this.
He's the one who hid the Monarch's illicit activity from the Guild.
The Monarch-- he's innocent of everything but ignorance.
[ Monitors power down .]
Hi, honey.
I think I'm gonna be dipped in lava.
Monarch, I'm sorry.
That's what you should've told me in the escape pod.
[ Monitors power up .]
BOTH: Sovereign! It's David Bowie.
The Council of 1 3 have made their decision.
Man, what's happening? Well, they're just talking.
Maybe Brock knows how to kill with words.
Maybe his name is a killing word.
Wait, wait, wait.
Now he's shaking their hands.
Why would he do that? Marquess of Queensberry rules.
Oh, wait.
Now he's picking up a hammer.
This is gonna be good.
I don't see Tim-Tom, though.
Where the hell? Did Brock smush him already? No.
He-- he's right here.
Was you the one who called for help, 21 ? Uh, no, no.
Uh, no, I was not.
- That was all him.
- Dude, why? Good idea, chump.
What say we call a few more of your old pals? You have been tested in mutual combat against our slaughterbots.
You have proved your romantic and professional compatibility and you have even proved the Monarch's innocence.
Your trial is thus concluded.
Nowjoin hands.
Monarch, Dr.
Girlfriend the Guild of Calamitous Intent hereby approves your application for Duoship.
I now pronounce you Villain and Villainess.
You may kiss your queen.
[ Applause .]
[ Cheering .]
Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Bring it, bitch! Bring it! In accordance with the Guild's Edict of Usurpation you must now complete your first mission together.
[ Crickets chirping .]
The Lair of the Phantom! Minions, attack! Kill everyone! God will recognize his own.
Take no prisoners! Show no mercy! - Monarch.
- What?! Excuse me? Oh.
Sorry, pookums.
Welcome home.
You deployed my wings with your ass.
PHANTOM LIMB: Did you really think I'd forget about you, old man? OLD MAN: What is this, some kind of revenge trip? I retired from all that villainy crap.
No one retires from the Phantom Limb's shit list.
[ Laughs evilly .]
Looking for this
Previous EpisodeNext Episode