The Venture Bros (2003) s04e02 Episode Script

Handsome Ransom

Time to pay the piper, Venture! For in minutes, my mechapillars' silky issue will smother the only living proof that you have actually had sex.
That is, unless you give me $10 million! What?! Since when do you arch for money? Yeah, what are you doing? Honey, how long have we been trying to kill this schmuck-- I don't know, since Marky Mark had a funky bunch? And it never works! You wanna know how to really hurt Venture? Not really, but as a wife, I try to be supportive, so You strike him in the pocketbook! Yeah, speaking of, how much did those mechapillars set us back? 'Couple mil.
Anyway! It's $10 million, Venture.
Tick tock, tick tock.
Look, I don't have that kind of cash just lying around.
Daddy! All right! You can have anything you want in my lab.
Anything you see here, take your pick.
Anything but the positron accelerator.
I don't want any of your old crap! This isn't Antiques Road Show, dick! It's your money or their lives! Yeah, quit being such a skinflint, and pay the piper man! Don't take sides with your arch enemies! Shut up! You're not the dad of me.
Hank, don't you sass your bodyguard! He's not my bodyguard! Will you accept half for just Dean? You can keep Hank.
Your father doesn't mean that, Hank.
Oh, don't I? Do you know what Mr.
Smart mouth called me when he stormed out of the house this morning? A honky! Did you really? Yeah.
I'm transmitting the instructions for the dropoff now, Venture.
I suggest you follow them, or your boys will follow the rainbow bridge to Valhalla! That's not as dark as it sounds in my head, is it? Up to your old tricks again, eh, Monarch? Captain Sunshine? Aah! Got a thing for torturing young boys, don't you? Well, you're not fighting a boy now.
Ow! You may be invulnerable, Monarch.
But no one is invulnerable to justice! I'm going to make you pay for what you did to Wonder Boy.
Once and for all! Anything? No, stay out of sight.
Did you call him? No answer.
Now get down.
I'm thinking maybe we should drill again or something.
I'm starting to cramp up down here.
No! Just crawl back in your little spider hole and wait for my signal.
But it's hot as hell in there! My damn sack is turning into a puddle of silly putty! I'm half afraid it's gonna have Popeye cartoons all over it when I peel it off my thigh.
Finally! I've been trying to reach you people for hours.
Your instructions said 2:00! I'm sorry.
We had some engine trouble.
Then my my period came! Henchman 21! Can you hang on a second? There is a taxi idling in the driveway awaiting his fare.
Slay him.
Is that Venture? What did you tell him? What the hell time is it? I stalled.
What did he do to you? The usual.
He threw me in jail.
Threw me right into the yard at the state prison.
Then he shouts up to the warden, "looks like this one won't be causing any more trouble.
" Then he flys off with a gay little salute.
Apparently nobody ever told him what due process was.
What the hell did you do to Wonder Boy to get him so worked up? Remember when we were broken up, and I was drinking a lot? Well, I kind of slew him.
Did he look old to you? - Who? - Captain Sunshine.
No, I thought he looked great for his age.
He looked old to me.
I mean, he's still super-fit, but when you get up real close, he's like totally hitting that age when men start to look like somebody's aunt.
Whatever, we've got a problem.
Whoa! Whoa! Oh, man, he got you bad.
When did you get hit? That's what I'm trying to tell you, he came back.
Who? Captain Sunshine.
He flew in like, 10 minutes ago and rescued Hank.
Hank? What about Dean? Present! Okay, there you go.
And let's just keep this between you and me, okay? I got a rep to protect.
What, no tip? Dude, I was ordered to kill you.
You're lucky to get that.
It's a good thing I found you when I did.
Your mom must be worried sick about you.
I don't have a mom.
Your dad, then.
Look, it's Captain Sunshine! He's back! Oh, thank goodness! He'll clean up the crime in this city.
Just, you know, keep him away from my kid.
That's all I'm saying.
Oh, you're so bad.
You like me, don't you, Hank? It is Hank, isn't it? Yeah.
Ahem, you know, Hank, I think you and I are going to be super friends.
Um Well, I think that's enough excitement for one day, youngster.
What say we get you home.
Now, now.
Let's not have any guff.
I won't take "no" for an answer.
Welcome to your new home, lad! Wow! Really?! Honest Injun.
God, you look just like him when you smile.
Who? Well, Venture.
Did you bring it? Yep.
It's all right here! All $10 million of it.
You gotta be kidding me.
Huh? What is that -- toner I smell? Nooooww!!! Hit the deck, boys! Uncle Hatred's here to -- Hey, where's Hank? - Hey, yeah? What? Didn't he bring him back? - Who? - Captain Suns-- Uh--we knew you'd pull something like this, Venture! So we kept Hank as collateral! Ha! Unh-unh, foul! The Guild ransom bylaws strictly stipulate you gotta return all abductees if the ransom's been paid in good faith.
How the hell do an ambush and a bag of dittos constitute good faith? What's the matter with him now? He's been scarfing pistachios in a hot spider hole for two hours because somebody was late.
Oh, excuse us for ruining your double cross! All right, do over.
Everybody back in the cocoon.
We'll try it again tomorrow.
Wait! The least you could do for making us wait around all day is let us keep Dean.
No way! Uh, do you really want that kid hanging around all night? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right, fine.
You can keep Dean.
Oh, wait a minute! How did I get screwed on this deal?! I want an I.
! Fine.
Too cheap to even spring for the double-sided printing.
Hey! Missed a couple of zeros there, Oprah.
Nice try.
You'll be hearing from us via facsimile transmission.
And next time come alone! I see we're running on daylight savings time this evening, sir.
Droll as always, Desmond.
You have the Children's Charity Banquet at 9:00, followed by your usual obligations at 11:00.
Not tonight, Des.
Cancel all my appointments.
But sir, you never miss the Children's -- Charity begins at home, Desmond.
I found a new pet project.
Wow! Oh, really, sir.
Not another.
Oh, but this one's perfect, Desmond.
He's an orphan.
I think he might even be homeless.
Welcome to my Sanctum Solarium, lad.
What do you think? Awesome! It's almost as cool as the Batcave! Hey, I didn't know the Monarch hated anyone besides my dad.
Oh, you poor sweet lad.
The Monarch took someone special away from you too, didn't he? That's actually kinda why I asked you here.
Hank, how would you like to be my new Wonder Boy? Whoa, you mean, like, be your partner and stuff? And stuff! Cool! Would there be any kind of, shall we say, compensation for the job? How does room and board, free rides on the ferris wheel and 20 video game tokens a week sound? Like a sweetheart deal! I get a whole costume, right? Oh, boy, do you ever.
Okay, you're on.
Wonderful! Buddy hug! Desmond, wash him up and get him ready for bed.
Sure he'd love to help you there, Rust, but the chairman's out of town this whole week.
Well didn't he leave a forwarding number? Nah, he's, like way outta town.
He's building his Gargantua II up there in the, what do you call it, the stratosphere.
I guess that's a big no? Shut up.
This wouldn't even be happening if you had just done your job in the first place.
The way I see it, it's you who should be paying the Monarch.
Yeah, well I don't see that at all.
Weren't you some kind of big shot criminal for 20 years? Didn't you put any money away? I'll be honest with you, Venture, I drank most of it away.
And what little I remember not drinking away, Princess Tinyfeet got.
Because I drank her away.
Ah, there I go.
Why did you have to bring that up? Aye aye aye caramba Aye aye aye caramba Aye aye aye caramba Come on, let me hold it again.
Oh, yeah.
This is gonna finally put Conjectural Technologies on the super science map, huh? See? Business is picking up already.
Conjectural Technolgies, how can we make your tomorrow better? There we are.
Nice and clean.
The master insists his boys be tidy.
Everything okay in there? Just finishing up, sir.
Okay, I'll just be in here.
Master can be so restive when he's excited.
Now come along, sir.
He's waiting for you in your new quarters.
You may wish to put this on before you retire.
Is this for my wonder-cycle or something? Suggested application is to the buttocks and inner thigh.
I shall leave you to it, Master Hank.
Your hair looks very handsome, Hank.
I mean, Wonder Boy.
Uh, thanks.
Did, uh, did Desmond instruct you about the, uh -- Yeah, it feels kinda ooky.
Trust me, you'll be glad you had it in the morning.
Well, I for one can't wait to get started.
Would you care for some warm milk? It might relax you.
No, thanks.
I'm -- I'm okay.
After all, tomorrow's gonna be a big day! I want you to get plenty of rest! Well, goodnight then, Wonder Boy! Oh, good night, Captain Sunshine.
Just kidding.
Slumber party! Aw, that was all our seed money.
And you'll get it all back if you stick to the plan and don't screw up.
Did you bring it? Got it right here.
Wow, did you really make all this selling seeds? I couldn't even sell enough of the things to win the damned go-cart when I was a little boy.
And I'm not a little boy.
I'm 37.
Hold on, now! You're 37? You mean to tell me it's perfectly legal for me -- Oh! Captain, Asbeastos has broken out of prison again! We could sure use your super help.
I wish I could, Barbie-Q, but it's just not a good time.
Would you like to talk about it? I too know the terrible pain of love, the hollowness one feels when one is just going through the motions of life like a living ghost or a robot.
Well, thank you, Ghost Robot, but I'm better now.
Then quit yer belly-itching and git your sun-kissed butt back here, you worthless weak wiggly worm! I think that's U.
's way of saying he misses you, Cap.
We all do.
Aw shucks.
I appreciate that, gang.
And I promise I'll be back as soon as -- Oh, sweet! You were totally right about that lube.
Slipped on like a glove.
Damn, Cap, another one? Oh, what is this? Told you to come alone! What? Oh.
Stop it, it's Dean for God's sake.
All right.
Send him out! Oh, what are you trying to pull? Wild horses couldn't get Hank to take off Brock's old jacket.
This can't be Hank! All right, look, I don't have Hank, okay.
What? Did you lose him? How do you lose a Hank? Same way you just lost $10 million, genius.
Henchmen, run! Now! Now! No.
No! Nooo! Come on! I don't know what the hell you're laughing about.
I just made 10 million bucks the Monarch way.
Guild rules, duh! Now we're obligated to get Hank back.
Hello! How do you expect to find Captain Sunshine? Aahh! Don't think too hard, Sweetie.
You're lucky you're married to a scientist.
So when do I get to see some action? Not until you're ready, lad.
You have to learn to patrol for crime before you can fight it.
So, how come you have a car when you can just, like fly everywhere? Because it also turns into a submarine.
God, you sure ask a lot more questions that he did.
What is that?! What? Your seatbelt, lad.
Why isn't it buckled? Well, well, well.
If it isn't Captain Sunshine.
I thought you'd retired.
No such luck, Scorpio.
Ooh! Who's the new Wonder Boy? Just you nevermind! Mmm.
I'd sure love to tie him to a giant typewriter.
You know the rules, Scorpio.
He's off limits during training.
Haven't broken his cherry yet, eh? Well, I hope you do a better job with this one.
Oh, to think that a C-lister like the Monarch -- That's it! Stay here, Wonder Boy.
You! You! You shut up! Just shut up! Just shut your damn mouth! Holy totally-beating-that-guy's-head-in! Captain Sunshine, you want any help? I said stay in the car! Wonder Boy, are you all right? Do you know what could have happened to you?! Do you?! You see, when I analyze your skin, it contains trace amounts of Captain Sunshine's unique type of solar radiation.
His powers have a signature, like an artist.
Or, like, everybody.
Go on, Sweetie.
Okay, by running the nav-computer through the scintillator, I can trace the path of that radiation.
All the way to Captain Sunshine's doorstep! Hot damn we're good at this villain crap! Why do we even waste our time chasing Dr.
Venture around? I'm not gonna validate that with an answer.
Did you get all that? Yeah, why do I care? Because the fella they're talking about has our boy Hank! If you can get to him first, the Monarch's gotta give you your money back.
That's just Guild law right there.
I'm sorry for my outburst earlier, Wonder Boy.
I just.
I couldn't live with myself if anything bad ever happened to you again.
It's cool, Captain Sunshine.
I mean, I'd still like to go on more superhero patrols with you if you'd have me.
- You would? - Well, yeah! And, hey, I was thinking maybe we should try doing them at night 'cause isn't there, like, more criminals out then? Not for us, chum.
Besides, at night, I see action with a different team.
This is the Channel 5 Action News with Chuck Scarsdale and Barbara Qantas, Sam Turgen with sports, Weatherbot 5 with Exclusive Action Weather 5 Cast, and Neville Brown with sports.
Good evening, I'm Barbara Qantas.
Chuck Scarsdale is out tonight because -- Oh, no, no! I'm here, I'm here! I can do this.
I can do this.
I'm here to do the news tonight.
Oh, hello.
I'm millionaire playboy Bruce White.
This is my ward, Billy.
I was just passing through the neighborhood -- I find all of that quite difficult to believe.
Believe this, Ask Jeeves.
Good work.
All right, let's find the $10 million boy and get the hell out of here.
That was the best you can do, "this is my ward"? What? You are kinda my ward.
That makes me the subservient Mother and puppies are all doing just fine.
Barbara? Here's a story that's out of this world.
Just minutes ago, an area man captured Oh, my God.
this amateur video of what appears to be a UFO.
Several eyewitnesses have reported the strange glowing object hovering over their upscale South Highland neighborhood.
Oh, my God, not again.
Could it be E.
or just an elaborate hoax? You decide.
Chuck? Wonder Boy! What's he doing? Noooo!!! Go to tape! Go to tape! Of what? Anything! Introducing the new Copter 5! The newest edition to the Action News news arsenal and the most advanced news copter in the air! Copter 5 is so sophisticated, it requires five onboard news computers.
With pinpoint mapping intelligence, a high definition news camera with 100 times magnification Hey, Chuck Scarsdale with a surprise visit.
What brings you up to Copter 5? No! Wonder Booooy! All right, fan out and find Hank before the police get here.
If you see Sunshine, leave him to me.
Halt in the name of justice! Hank? Aaah! That's Wonder Boy to you! Take that, bad guy.
Oh, Hank! Come on, man.
Dude, quit it.
What are you trying to be? I'm your worst nightmare, dirtbag.
Jab! Body blow! Body blow! Ow! I'm sorry I had to pop you one, but you're being a little dick.
Chuck! Flash bomb! All right, Hank.
Playtime's over.
Let's get your gay little ass hom-- Aaaahh! Oh, that is it! Come here! It was Hank, I swear! He sounded like he was coming from this room! Wonder Boy! I'm coming! I'm coming! Shit! It's Chuck Scarsdale! Hide, or we're gonna be on the news! Nooooo!!!!! Wonder Boooy!! Come here! Aahh! Aaaaaahhh! Wonder Boy! Are you all right? - Scorching wedgie! - No! Nooo! Take! That! Costume! Off! What's the matter, Captain Funtime? Isn't this what you've always wanted? What are you talking about? Wouldn't it just fix everything twisted up inside of you if you could only fuck Wonder Boy and your worst enemy at the same time, huh? Well, come and get us.
Where do you want it, Captain? You get away! Where do you want my pussy? Here? Here? Stop! Stop it right now, or I'll -- You'll what? I know your dirty little secret, Sunshine.
You can't do a damn thing to me because your powers don't work at night! You see, I did my homework, Captain.
And for extra credit, I made this.
Well, my wife helped.
What is that? Just a little high-powered radiation cannon that simulates your sunshine beams.
Hope you brought your sunblock, Captain! SPF 5000 should do the trick because I'm about to have a fun time eating sunshine on a stick! Bombarded by the same solar radiation which by day grants him his amazing abilities, Captain Sunshine's light-sensitive supercells become energized, and his incredible sunshine powers return.
I don't even know these people.
Albino here.
Wait, dude! Don't! Hank! Why are you dressed like a pride parade? And who's this clown? Gimme a minute here, Pop.
Pop? He's your -- You told me you were an orphan.
I should be so lucky.
Pop! Now, technically, I never said that.
Were you ever even in the circus? Or did you lie about that too? Look, I appreciate everything you've given me, especially the chocodiles, 'cause my bodyguard never lets me have those.
But I just think, maybe you're using me to try to replace someone else, maybe somebody you lost or something.
I don't really know what's up with that.
You keep talking about him, I didn't wanna ask.
What I do know is that I can't be that other kid.
No matter how hard I try.
Don't say that.
Don't say that, Wonder Boy.
You can be a great Wonder Boy some day, Wonder Boy.
That's just it.
I'm not Wonder Boy.
I'm Hank Venture.
And I wanna go home.
Please don't leave me again, Wonder Boy.
Okay, you're really not getting the whole Hank, Wonder-Boy, not-me thing, so I'm just gonna let myself out.
Don't do this, Wonder Boy.
You broke my heart, Hank.
You broke my heart.
You know, I bet this guy would pay 10 million for Hank.
What do you say, double or nothing? Oh, hey, um you think maybe you could, you know, put in a good word with Batman for me? Get out of my Sanctum Solarium! Okay, buddy, that'll be -- Oh!
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