The Venture Bros (2003) s04e03 Episode Script

Perchance to Dean

I know you're still settling in here and all, but I figure if you're gonna be my new bodyguard, you might as well see what you're in for.
Yes sir when you're riding shotgun with a Rusty Venture, the road can get a little bit bumpy.
Pays to keep a few spares in the trunk.
Oh, don't be so squeamish.
Kinda takes a little of the pressure off your job, doesn't it? Don't talk much, do you? Well, good.
Because mum's the word about my little cabbage patch here.
These tadpoles aren't exactly street legal, if you get my drift.
You know, you really shouldn't smoke when we're pregnant.
Seriouslyno smoking in the lab areas.
Oooooh! Oh, what is this?! No no no, this won't do at all.
Specimen D-19.
Yeah, 'had a feeling about this one.
Autosomes always did look a bit sloppy, just between you and me.
God! Is that a face only a mother could love or what? Good thing she's not here then, huh? Sowhat are we gonna do for lunch? Dean? Dean?! What'd ya fall in?! Come on now, Lil Mister, the head is for everyone! You've had your ten, now give your brother his shift! Wha--? Oh, come on! Hey! Hey! I'm in here! Well, you should be in your room, mister! You are grounded! I'm not even allowed to make a pee now? Not in here you aren't! It's our only bathroom! You should have thought of that before you called your father "the President of the United States of Boogers" in front of company.
Now get out! You get out! I'm peeing! Oh, no you aren't-- Hank! Attica! Attica! Attica! Daddy? You're the-- Dean.
We need to talk.
There is no hair fairy, is there? Not even close.
The time has come for you to leave the magic and folly of childhood behind, Dean.
Because I'm losing all my baby hair, and my grown-up hair's gonna start coming in soon? No, because you need to start taking your future career in science more seriously, Dean.
Your biological time bomb is ticking! But I have been practicing my science just like you told me, Pop.
Look, I made these.
Shrinky dinks don't count, son.
I'm not even going to ask you why you sleep with those things.
'Cause I can't find Mr.
Don't blame yourself, Dean.
It's my fault.
I should have given you this years ago.
Ta-daaaaa! The panic room? Your very own junior laboratory! No more working on the kitchen table for you! In here, you'll be able to really focus on your science with no distractions! How come Baby Einstein gets his own lab and I'm stuck pushing boxes around, huh? When do I get to train for my future career? Who says you're not right now? Those go up in the attic, boy.
Well, I'm sure your brain's already buzzing with a million ideas you want to get cracking on.
Can I get you anything else? A window? Like I said -- no distractions! Now go get into your speed suit.
I have another surprise for you.
"Get into your speed suit.
I have a surprise for you.
" Good gravy! Never gave me my own lab.
Never gave me nothin'! Why do you they get to have everything? I'm as smart as they are! I'm smarter, even! They keep going to sleep with the angels, but I'm still here! Aren't you a little old for stuffed animals? Don't you think you should give that back to the real Dean? I am a real Dean! No, you were rejected.
You weren't good enough.
You mean I wasn't pretty enough My god, but you are hideous.
I can't believe you even came from me.
I try to be like the ones you love so much.
I watch them.
I learn from them Yeah, but then there's still the whole face issue.
Not after tonight! Just you wait and see! It's almost finished! I just need one more and then and then I'm gonna be just like the rest of them Oh, yessirree bob! Hard to leather Great.
On top of everything else, you're getting fat now, too.
Was that you? I'm not even here, crazy.
It's all about Dean, isn't it? Tonight! Tonight! Whoa-hoooo Nelly! And that's just at "N scale!" It's a fresh new twist on the classic decoy tactic.
We place 'em in key locations around the compound, and the next time your Monarch or your Baron Whats-His-Bheit comes a-knockin', he gets spanked in the face with 5'7" of screamin' hot stop it! I'm five ten.
Yeah, maybe with them fancy elevator beatle boots of yours.
Got a delivery here for a "Sgt.
Hatred"? Are either of you? Oh, take a guess.
Sign here, please.
Whoa! Easy! Let's just be real careful with those.
Kid gloves.
Sir, do these crates contain any hazardous materials I should know about? I'm required by law to- Hey, Nosey McPeeks-A-Lot.
You know what brown can do for me? He can mind his own business.
Oh, sorry.
Well, hey there, slugger! You look like you're buckin' for my job! Did my dad tell you to say that? Uh, no Then are you psychic? Hank, leave the man alone.
Just because he's black doesn't mean he has "the shining.
" Save me, dude.
Now am I ungrounded? Why, have you finished washing the car already? - What? - It was on the list.
What "list?" The "things Hank has to do for his father before I can even think of un-grounding him" list.
Oh, didn't I c.
You on that? Aww! What--?! Aw, there's like 20 -- Hold up a sec, Hank.
Number four.
Like mirrors, Hank.
I don't wanna tell ya how to do your daddy duty or nothing, but don'tcha think maybe you're bein' just a little too hard on the ol' Hankinator? "Hankinator?" You're sleeping with him, aren't you?! Hey.
How'd you get in? Security's a joke in this dump.
So, what're you in for? "sass in the first degree.
" Gay.
And I peed in the tub? - S'pretty badass.
- Right? Yeah, I'm grounded, too.
I snuck out, though.
Hey, where's your dorky brother? Probably busy getting his heiney shined by my dad.
He gets to do whatever he wants and I'm stuck with a list of dumb chores.
He's lucky he's not here.
Still owe him a beatdown.
Didn't he kinda beat you up? What is that supposed to be, a joke? He cheap shotted me when I wasn't ready.
Plus I had, like, a massive stomach flu that day.
Check it -- number five, you do that one yet? - No.
- Sweet.
If your dad needs his car washed, let's give him a good reason to wash it.
The egg.
It is the symbol of creation.
And since I was your age, it has hatched all my greatest super-science ideas - No windows - Pay attention, Dean.
Now sit down.
You're about to meet my muse.
Mommy? Progressive rock! Now normally, I'd start you off with Asia or something more accessible.
But I think you're ready for the primo shit.
Just take a gander at that cover art and try to pretend you're not already inspired.
It's like something out of a dream.
Painted by our greatest living artist Mr.
Roger Dean.
Hey, that's my name! That's no accident, boy.
Maybe now you have some sense of the gravity-- nay, the destiny-- of this moment.
This is your birthright.
Golly, I don't know what to say Just sayyes! Hey, what's this one with the face? That? Oh no no no no you are not ready to step into the court of the crimson king.
At this stage in your training, album like that could turn you into an evil scientist.
Buckle your mind, Dean.
Because it's about to get blown.
- Agh! - Sorry! What? I said "What do you think?" I-I'm not sure, but I think I'm starting to feel it.
That's called inspiration, Dean.
More! You got it, son! But no air drumming this time.
Bruford can change the timing up so fast you could snap your wrist.
Now can we do this? Yeah! Time to make the donuts! Put that on your list, Rusty! You call that a donut? Dude, you drive like my grandfather pees.
Give her some gas! Quit it! Why don't you drive, then? Um, 'cuz I don't have a vagina.
I told you, I only drive stick.
Now c'mon, let's take this thing to the quarry for some off-road action.
UmmI don't think I should take it off the compound.
Yeah, well you didn't think I should hot wire it either.
'Cause I had the keys! Yes! Yes! Perfect-a-mundo! Whatever, whatever.
Just admit that I coulda hot-wired it.
Yes, fine! I believe you! Super! Runaway! What was that?!? Hello, sheriff? I think something terrible is about to go down at the Venture compound.
Hell, looks like your basic garden-variety advanced research super-scientific-industrial complex to me.
"The Compound.
" That's what they call it.
I delivered a dozen army surplus crates to that place today.
I think they're stocking up for something big, man.
I got a real bad feeling All right, there, Holloway.
This wouldn't be the first time one of your famous premonitions sent me on a wild goose chase.
Their leader-- he's a real militia type.
'Got a big tattoo on his face.
And don't even get me started on those weird-ass kids they got up in there, all walkin' around talkin' crazy.
I'm telling you something strange is going on in that compound.
Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! Dermott I killed Dean! We gotta tell my dad- What're you, high? We can't tell anybody about this! What? But we gotta -- Two words, dude -- Vehicular.
You think being grounded is bad? Try prison.
That's like being grounded for life.
Plus, instead of chores Butt sex! Oh my God, Dermott! What are we gonna do?! Just don't panic, Hank! I've handled this kind of mess before.
Why do you think they used to call me "the wolf?" Nobody calls you that.
They did back in my old neighborhood when they weren't calling me "Psycho.
" There was actually a war between two rival gangs over which nickname to call me -- What do we do?!! All right, first we gotta destroy all the evidence.
Wipe the car clean of all your DNA.
And while we're at it, gimme your driver's license But it's only a learner's permit.
Dude, give! Hey! What're you doing? You gotta go off the grid! Gotta disappear and lay low in Mexico for a few years until this all blows over.
You're a shadow, Hank! W-what about D-Dean? Echh I've been buried alive five, maybe six times in my life.
This was worse.
Oh my God! I forgot about Dean! Dean! No!!! Oh, my god! It's side two of Dark Side of the Moon! He's in a Floyd hole! Fill the tub with ice! Now! It's all my fault, I pushed you too hard.
It was too much, too soon! Damn you, boy! You weren't ready! Eureka!!! No, Dean.
Sit back.
You've been through a lot, you need to rest.
No, Dad I need to science! Well, looks like my work here is done.
Nooooooo! No no no no no! Noo! I was so doggone close! Darn it! Is that a crybaby I hear? It wasn't my fault! Dumb old Hank ruined everything.
As usual.
"Dumb old Hank ruined everything!" It takes more than a whiffle and a sweater vest to be Dean, boy.
He doesn't even wear those anymore.
What--what else? Tell me! I'll do anything! It takes heart.
It takes devotion.
You think you have what it takes? Y-Yes! Yes, yes! Well, a real Dean wouldn't give up so easy.
He'd pick himself up and get right back on that horse.
But I can't finish my super special project now.
There's no more left! Really? Pretty sure I left another Dean around here somewhere.
Nothat was the last one with a good face.
You sure? Have you looked everywhere? Like, say in the panic room? They never put them in the panic r- Oh! N-No! You don't mean--? Don't I? Do you really wanna be Dean or just Dean's uglier, unhygienic older brother? D-Dean.
And I can only have one favorite son, so it wouldn't very well do to have two Deans walking around, now, would it? But I can't! That would bewrong.
What's wrong is that everything you were always meant to have.
And Dean-- may I call you Dean? Ohh yes! This one's even a little bigger than the others were.
Dude, don't be a puss! We gotta burn your fingerprints off so Interpol can't track you.
Own your pain, dude! Go into your cave, like in Fight Club.
I didn't see Fight Club! I saw it in the theater twice.
Totally snuck in, too.
My mom dropped me off at the mall to see some Elmo in Grouchland bullcrap.
Ditched that noise.
What the f--? This is like papier mache goo.
Doesn't your dad have any hydrochloric acid lying around? Who am I, Bill Nye the science guy? I don't know what any of this stuff is-- that's Dean's bag was Dean's bag.
I wish Dean was here! Oh, mother of mercy, what have I done?! Keep it together! All right, we're gonna have to do this commando style.
You want me to take off my underwear? Coolness.
It slipped! Stupid hands are all sweaty.
Oh, what is this? Aw, all over my nice floors.
Hank-- oh! Ow! What the--? Wh-who are you? Deeeeeaannn! Oh no, I-I've created a monster! Sgt.
Hatred! Help! Come quick! I-- Weird.
Weird, weird, weird.
They're all just standing there like the living dead.
All with shaved heads, all wearin' the same outfits Brainwashed, probably.
Yeah, you were right.
This is definitely some strango cult stuff goin' on right here.
Bodies dozens of them.
In an open grave out back.
Most of 'em look like -- they look like kids, sir! Those sick bastards.
Okay, hit 'em with the lights.
Attention, you inside the compound! 'The hell? This is the police.
Dude, your dad called the cops! We gotta bolt right now! H-how? Don't you guys have a plane? I don't know how to fly it.
And my pilot's license is only rated for single engine craft.
So we're gonna need wheels.
My dad's car! We just washed it! That's the murder weapon, dingus! Why don't we just hop on your brother's corpse and toboggan down to the county jail while we're at it? Dean.
Dean? I'm sorry I tried to play God!! Please go away! Ah-ha! Fire bad! You fear fire! What are you talking about? Whoa! Fire! Fire! We've got a fire inside the compound.
They're goin' full Waco on us.
This is it people! We gotta save those kids in there! Move in! Move in! Freeze! Down on the ground, baldy! Doc! Doc! Code orange! Fire in the compound! Yeah, no duh.
You gotta get to-- oh, hey! It's the police! Man, you guys got here qui- This is your last warning, Churchy.
If you do not drop down and spread 'em in 32 Hey, c'mon now, fellas! Don't you know who I work for? Yeah.
They're not impressed.
That my hard drive? Hey, listen, uh, any questionable images you may or may not find on there are 100% computer-generated.
Uh, Sheriff? You'd better get out here Freedom!!! Ahhgh! Not again!!! You think they saw us? Look, dude! Look out! Hey, that's where that is.
Dean! All I wanted was to grow my hair back! W-What do you want from me?! I want your pretty little life! And your smooth, pretty little face! I don't even want to be a scientist! I'm only doing this because my dad made me do it! Me too! What in the hell is that? Probably the comet these poor fools think they're gonna fly away to heaven on.
Dude! Hold up! Stop here! - Did we miss a turn? This is my house.
I gotta go.
Dermott, sweety? Is that you? Coming W-What about Mexico? - I got curfew.
Besides, someone has to stay here and disseminate the cover story.
- Dermott - I'm coming! Jeez! Take a chill pill, why don't ya? Vaya con Dios, dude.
Take this.
You're gonna need it.
Get me, like, fireworks and Spanish fly.
Son? That's enough.
D-Daddy? You don't need to hurt that other poor Dean to get what you want.
I don't? No, son.
Because all you ever really wanted was a father's love.
And you don't need to look like him to get it.
- I don't? - Of course not.
Aside from some basic hygiene issues, you're perfect just the way you are.
Now come here.
Give your old man a hug.
That's it.
Let it all out.
Don't be shy, now.
Hug away! Daddy! Who the hell was that? Mexico.
Hank! What the hell do you think you're doing?! Are you kidding? Are you kidding? You set fire to your brother's lab, you try to run away in my people mover, you call the police on me? And you think that entitles you to listen to records? What world are you living in, where you think there's even a chance that you won't be grounded for the rest of the year? And you don't take a man's Jimmy Buffet records without askin' either!
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